Mixer Mania #18 – Using and Abusing

Posted on May 1, 2017 by Daniel Wilson

For some time, commercials have aired hyping chocolate milk as the perfect post-workout beverage. Yes, better than protein shakes, regular milk, water, or sports drinks. Regardless of how legit this claim may be, it got the Sip Advisor thinking about fictional substances used by characters to enhance their physique:

Weight Gain 4000 – South Park

In Eric Cartman’s obsession to be a “beefcake” for his televised award ceremony, after winning his school’s Save Our Fragile Planet essay contest, he begins taking doses of Weight Gain 4000. Well, at least the product came as advertised. By the end of the episode, Cartman has swelled to a massive size and is barely moveable. In his mind, though, the added pounds are simply muscle mass. Cartman does get the fame he wanted, though, as his obesity lands him on talk show Geraldo.

Cartman Weight Gain 4000

Thump – Aqua Teen Hunger Force

After being hospitalized for high blood pressure, Master Shake decides to get into shape. His method of doing this is to drink copious amounts of an illegal fitness beverage called Thump. The product’s flavour options – Mango Bitch Slap, Coconut What Did You Say To Me, and Blueberry Butt Rape – would have most people reconsider, but this is Master Shake we’re talking about. Of course, the muscles gained come to life and start a murderous rampage… just another day in South Jersey!

Powersauce – The Simpsons

Looking to shed his trademark spare tire, Homer Simpson turns to the Rainier Wolfcastle endorsed Powersauce bars to help with his efforts in the gym. Homer’s dedication to only eating foods in bar form led to him becoming the next spokesperson for Powersauce bars and their representative to scale the ominous Murderhorn Mountain. Homer ends up being successful in reaching the Murderhorn peak, but it is also learned that Powersauce bars are merely made from apple cores and Chinese newspapers.

Homer Powersauce Bars

Spinach – Popeye

Popeye has been using this “performance-enhancing substance” throughout his career, with Olive Oyl his enabler. Popeye simply grabs a can of spinach, pops it open and consumes the vegetable, leading to bulging muscles that get him through a number of dire situations. In the real world, spinach sales increased as a result of the character’s association with it. Ironically, spinach was chosen as Popeye’s supplement of choice, due to its iron content, which was later determined to be a miscalculation.

Venom – Batman

The supervillain Bane gains his massive physique by abusing this super steroid. The addictive formula must be constantly administered, directly to Bane’s brain, or else the user will suffer extreme withdrawal. The drug makes Bane so strong, that he is able to break Batman’s back and send him into temporary retirement. Of course, anytime his stream of Venom is disrupted, Bane becomes weak and easily defeated. After all, every antagonist has to have their Achilles’ heel.

Mixer Mania #18: Dirty Bastard

Dirty Bastard.JPG

1 oz Tequila
0.5 oz Irish Crème
0.5 oz Kahlua
0.5 oz Amaretto
Top with Chocolate Milk
Garnish with Maraschino Cherries

I don’t think I would take any of these enhancers. No, I’ll stick to the chocolate milk – preferably booze-fueled – thank you very much!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
The highlight of this martini might have been finally opening the bottle of Bailey’s Cherry Chocolate Irish Crème I’ve been holding onto for far too long. Despite all the booze that’s part of this recipe, the cocktail is fairly light and the flavours are quite cohesive.

December 26 – Christmas Cheer

Posted on December 26, 2015 by Daniel Wilson

Better to Give

Christmas may have passed, but to keep in the spirit, let’s have one more look at some great gifts given, this time in TV history:

#5: iPod – The Office

Looking to impress young intern Ryan, Michael Scott totally disregards the $20 limit on Secret Santa gifts and instead buys a $400 iPod, setting off a trading war for the music player. The real great gift was what Jim had put together for Pam: a tea pot filled with mementos and a private letter (which he later withdrew). Across the pond, the U.K. Office also had a memorable gift exchange, when Tim gave Dawn an art set, encouraging her to “Never give up” on her dreams.

#4: Blank Cheque – Mary Tyler Moore Show

While it was simply an oversight, Mary Richards’ Christmas turned interesting when she received a blank cheque from boss, Lou Grant, as a gift. What would you do? Personally, I would bilk TV station WJM of every dime they had and then vanish into the night, never to be seen again, as I live the rest of my days in some tropical paradise with Mrs. Sip and an endless supply of booze. Mary, on the other hand, had to go and inform the gruff managing editor of his error.

#3: Leonard Nimoy’s Autograph – Big Bang Theory

Christmas shopping can be an awkward exercise, especially when finding a gift for someone you don’t know so well. Part of the issue is you don’t know what they might be getting you in return. Sheldon Cooper seemed to have that all figured out by buying his neighbour Penny bath baskets in varying sizes. When she surprises him with a signed napkin from his hero Leonard Nimoy (Star Trek’s Spock), he rushes to his room and gathers every basket he had assembled.

#2: Santa’s Little Helper – The Simpsons

Down on his luck after learning he will not receive a Christmas bonus and that his second job as a mall Santa didn’t pay out as he had hoped, Homer Simpson had no presents for his family. Fortune has a funny way of turning around at Christmas, though, and as Homer and Bart are picking through the discarded wagers outside the dog track, hoping to find a winning stub, out comes the dog they bet on, in need of a new family. This special was the start of The Simpsons long animated run.

#1: Lost Love Letters – A Garfield Christmas

There are some incredibly thoughtful gifts in this Christmas special. While Odie’s construction of a backscratcher for Garfield was incredibly cute, the lasagna-loving cat stole the holiday by unearthing lost love letters sent to Grandma Arbuckle by her late husband. The funny thing is that if this were ever to happen for Mrs. Sip in the very distant future, a tuna water-loving kitty would have to dig up all my old e-mails to her. Hopefully the cat has no issues remembering my password.

Super Saturday Shot Day: Christmas Cheer

0.75 oz Peppermint Schnapps
0.75 oz Eggnog
Garnish with a Candy Cane

Some might argue that the greatest gift from TV might be the now real holiday of Festivus, from the Seinfeld episode The Strike. If that’s how you prefer to celebrate, I hope your airing of grievances, feats of strength, and Festivus miracles are everything you ever wished for!

Flavour Revolution – Banana

Posted on August 31, 2015 by Daniel Wilson

Fave Foods

Bananas are making a huge comeback – in fact, they may have never been so popular – thanks to the Minions and their fondness for the tropical fruit… heck, “banana” is one of the few words that can be understood from the Minionese language. Despite all the wonderful food out there, some characters have favourites, preferring one item over anything else. Here are some of the finest examples:

Cookies – Cookie Monster

Thank the lord above that this character wasn’t created nowadays or he might have been Fruit-in-Yogurt Monster or something ridiculous like that. As a proud and certified member of the Cookie Monster club, I fully endorse the high pursuit of cookie happiness. While the Sip Advisor has his favourite cookie options, Cookie Monster is not picky in the slightest. Every treat is perfect for the occasion.

Lasagna – Garfield

While this kitty isn’t adverse to any food, lasagna is by far his favourite. This is based on the fact that creator Jim Davis is also a lasagna lover, saying fans come up to him often saying their cats eat the Italian dish. The thought of any cat I’ve ever had enjoying pasta noodles just doesn’t jive, but Garfield is in it for the meat and cheese (kind of sounds like Mrs. Sip!).

Pizza – Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

Mostly all teens love pizza and that’s no different with these heroes in a half shell, who manage to get their hands on the meal, despite living in the sewers beneath New York City. What took the Turtles enjoyment of pizza to a whole other level was the wacky combinations they ordered, such as granola and licorice, peanut butter and clams, and coconut and sweet pickle.

Donuts – Homer Simpson

If there’s one thing Homer Simpson loves more than beer and even pork chops, it’s donuts. So much so, that one element of currency in the game The Simpsons: Tapped Out, is the dessert treat. Donuts have played a role in many of Homer’s adventures, most notably, the selling of his soul for a tasty pastry… to a devil Ned Flanders, of all people!

Honey – Winnie the Pooh

The lengths, to which Winnie the Pooh will go, in the pursuit of honey (or ‘hunny’ as it’s known in the Hundred Acre Wood), are pretty remarkable. This loveable, seemingly always hungry bear has a habit of getting his head caught in a honey pot, but it’s totally worth it for a smackeral of the good stuff. There’s even a song, penned by Pooh, which is basically all about honey love!

Tater Tots – Napoleon Dynamite

The only thing that gets Napoleon Dynamite through a tough day of school (or at his dysfunctional home, for that matter) is the promise of tater tots from the school cafeteria. The teen always seems to have the side dish on him, often stuffed in his pockets for later enjoyment. He also doesn’t hesitate to snatch his friend’s tater tots, if the opportunity arises.

Marmalade – Paddington Bear

Much like his carnivorous counterpart, Winnie the Pooh, Paddington Bear has a weakness for a toast accompaniment. In Paddington’s case, it is a fondness for marmalade. In 2007, Paddington tried “something different” with Marmite sandwiches, but he will always be a marmalade bear. If we’re talking preserves, the Sip Advisor is more of a raspberry jam fan, but whateves!

Flavour Revolution: Monkey Business

Muddle Cardamom Pods
1.5 oz Bourbon
1 oz Bols Banana Liqueur
Splash of Lemon Juice
Garnish with Cardamom Pods

Some honourable mentions include Monterrey Jack (Rescue Rangers) and his crazed obsession with cheese; Bugs Bunny (Looney Tunes) and his penchant for chomping on a carrot every time he’s foiled an antagonist; and Popeye, who without spinach, would have absolutely no chance against the dastardly Bluto, in his pursuit of Olive Oil. I can’t help but notice that many of my favourite characters ever comprise this list. When you add the Sip Advisor as a bona fide potato chip connoisseur, the article is complete!

August 29 – After Work Special

Posted on August 29, 2015 by Daniel Wilson

Lame Labour

Admittedly, the Sip Advisor isn’t content with his current career. Apparently, I’m not alone, as there is a lot of literature out there about why people hate their occupation and what they should do about it. With Labour Day rapidly approaching, here are some other folks that really hated their job:

#5: Walter White – Breaking Bad

Before moving to a life of crime and meth production, Walter was a high school chemistry teacher. And it’s not that there’s anything wrong with that, but he had previously been on the cutting edge of the science world, before selling his share in an idea that would eventually become quite profitable. Walt is so underpaid as a teacher that he has to take a side job as a carwash cashier and when he’s diagnosed with cancer, he has to enter into the seedy world of drug manufacturing, in order to make enough cash to keep up his treatment.

#4: Peter Gibbons – Office Space

Out of all the entries on this list, I probably identify most with Peter, who is frustrated with his place in life and the lack of pleasure his mundane, dead end career brings him. His dealings with his boss are excruciating and he has no other option but to take all the crap. Flanked by his colleagues Michael and Samir, the trio try to take a small cut from each transaction coming through the company, only to have their program give them a much larger slice than they intended. At least they got to destroy the printer that was always breaking down.

#3: Jim Halpert – The Office

In a similar fashion to Peter from Office Space, Jim is young and talented, but stuck in a job that pays the bills, while not providing the satisfaction he’s really searching for. If it wasn’t for his attraction to receptionist Pam Beasley, he probably would have bolted years earlier. I gotta say, though, working closely with your girlfriend/wife and getting to see her at all hours is something I would love to do. I know it’s not for everyone, but it’s cool with the Sip Advisor. In time, Jim figures things out and begins to pursue an interest in a start-up sports marketing company.

#2: Homer Simpson – The Simpsons

While Homer has tackled numerous jobs (boxer, sports mascot, snow plow driver, voice actor, etc.) during the show’s long run, the one he has to attend day in, day out, is one he does not enjoy. Homer was able to break free once from the Nuclear Power Plant, but with another baby on the way, was forced to return and grovel for his job back. A sign now sits in his sector, which states: “Don’t Forget: You’re Here Forever.” Homer changed the sign with photos to read “Do It For Her” in reference to daughter Maggie, the reason he had to return.

#1: Al Bundy – Married with Children

Nearly every episode of this iconic show featured woman’s shoe salesman, Al Bundy, returning from a day of work in which he didn’t get paid very well, but was verbally and sometimes physically abused by the clientele. “So a fat woman walks into the store today,” is usually how the tale began and ended with an epic struggle to fit a woman’s foot (or hoof as Al often called it) into a shoe that was too many sizes smaller than needed. So much for a guy who once had dreams of playing pro football… all until he was married with children!

Super Saturday Shot Day: After Work Special

0.5 oz Amaretto
0.5 oz Coconut Rum
Splash of Orange Juice
Splash of Pineapple Juice
Garnish with Coconut Shavings

For those out there that are working in what they love to do (or at least what they went to school for), I am absolutely jelly of you. Sadly, the Sip Advisor has to save his passions for outside of work… and I don’t even get paid for my efforts. One day, my rainbow will come though. I just have to keep my head held high and reach for the sky!

May 2 – Fight Club

Posted on May 2, 2015 by Daniel Wilson

Technical Knockout

With tonight’s massive super fight between Floyd Mayweather and Manny Pacquiao, I thought we should have a little look into the world of boxing… or at least the fictional side of the sport. Here are some of the greatest characters to ever step into the ring:

#5: Rock’em Sock’em Robots

I never played Rock’em Sock’em Robots, but any game where the goal is to knock your opponents head off sounds like a lot of fun. The toy was so successful that it has become a pop culture icon and has been turned into video games and an action figure line. The robots even appeared as characters in the movie Toy Story 2, which is a crowning achievement for any game. I never knew that the robots had their own names, including Red Rocker and Blue Bomber (and at one time, Bolt Crusher Bob and Gear Grinder Greg).

#4: Butch Coolidge – Pulp Fiction

Butch Coolidge’s tale in the serial Pulp Fiction begins with his change of heart about throwing a fight. Despite the consequences of disobeying mobster Marsellus Wallace, Coolidge not only doesn’t take a dive, but he knocks out the fighter he was supposed to lose to and even kills him. Things end up getting pretty weird for both Coolidge and Wallace, as they find themselves the prisoners of two sadistic serial killers, who are intent on raping and torturing the men, before putting them out of their misery. Coolidge escapes and saves Wallace, thus earning his freedom from the mob.

#3: Drederick Tatum – The Simpsons

Drederick Tatum is The Simpsons universe version of former Heavyweight Champion and ‘Baddest Man on the Planet’ Mike Tyson, right down to having a manager (Lucius Sweet) similar to Don King. Homer Simpson also took a turn at boxing, when it was learned he could take a massive beating and not get knocked out. Guided by boxer turned bartender turned manager Moe Szyzlak, Homer was even placed into a fight with Tatum, for the former champions return to the ring after a prison stint for pushing his mother down the stairs!

#2: Mickey O’Neil – Snatch

You might not understand a single word this bloke says, but the talking he does with his fists, you will certainly make sense of… unless you’re on the receiving end of his blows and then you might not even remember your own name! Much like Butch Coolidge, Mickey agrees to throw a fight, only to knock out his opponent… twice! Thanks to betting on himself, O’Neil makes quite the killing and at the same time, avoids becoming the victim of a horde of gangsters. Those gypsies are a tricky bunch and that’s before they even get into the ring.

#1: Rocky Balboa – Rocky

I’m not a fan of Sylvester Stallone – not many are – but I will give him credit for his work with the Rocky franchise. Through the films, the Italian Stallion goes from unknown, small-time fighter to Heavyweight Champion to American hero. Balboa’s battles with the likes of Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang, Ivan Drago, Tommy ‘The Machine’ Gunn, and Mason ‘The Line’ Dixon, are legendary. The training montages alone in these films are iconic, from boxing in a meat locker, to running triumphantly up stairs, to trying to figure out how to defeat a machine-like Russian.

Super Saturday Shot Day: Fight Club

Rim glass with Lime Powder
1 oz Vodka
Splash of Lime Juice
Dash of Sugar

A special shout out has to go to the characters of the Punch-Out video game series, including Little Mac, King Hippo, Glass Joe, and Bear Hugger. Heck, even Donkey Kong found his way into the franchise and a pair of boxing gloves!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
My first inclination was to use a flavoured vodka to lessen any harshness in the shooter. But I reconsidered, wanting to let the lime flavour do as much as it could to influence the shot, rather than any other tastes. I settled for Zubrowka Bison Grass Vodka to hit on both of my thoughts. The sugar added to the concoction solved any issues with it being too strong and it was much more pleasant than I ever thought it would be.

May 24 – Crackhouse

Posted on May 24, 2014 by Daniel Wilson

There Goes the Neighbourhood

Last week we took a look at some of the best neighbourly relationships ever, which means this week, it’s time to do an about face and examine the worst neighbours you could ever find yourself living next door to. Prepare to see the neighbourhood go down the tubes:

#5: Homer Simpson & Ned Flanders – The Simpsons

Ned is the consummate neighbour (or neighbourino as he would prefer to put it) and has an almost infinite well of patience for Homer. Despite that, Homer can’t stand stupid sexy Flanders and always seems to be at odds with the mustachioed one. With the way the two treat each other, you’d figure Ned would be the one to be short and rude with Homer and not the other way around. For example, half of Ned’s possessions have found their way into the Simpson home, as Homer seems to borrow items with no return date and Homer is jealous of the Flanders superior lifestyle.

#4: Jerry Seinfeld & Cosmo Kramer – Seinfeld

These two may actually be friends, but Kramer’s penchant for using Jerry’s apartment as an offsite location for himself would grate on any person. Kramer’s constant raiding of the fridge, use of the telephone, and occupation of Jerry’s couch would drive me crazy. Worst of all, Kramer is friends with Jerry’s sworn enemy, Newman, and often brings him around to the apartment. Add in Kramer’s string of bizarre adventures, get-rich-quick schemes, and other outlandish behaviour and you’re in for a bumpy ride, whether you like it or not.

#3: Winslow Family & Steve Urkel – Family Matters

Sure, by the end of each episode whoever Steve had upset within the Winslow family had made peace with the uber nerd, but that kid brought some serious tough times to the household. Steve’s clumsiness caused an untold number of repairs to be necessary to the home and because his own parents were so absent in his life, Steve practically lived with the Winslow’s. The threat of a surprise visit from the suspender-clad dork would cause great tension for myself, even though I love the guy. I just don’t think I could take the destruction that follows Steve like a cursed shadow.

#2: Bundy Family & D’Arcy Family – Married with Children

While most of them are reasonably amiable with one another, Al and Marcy have been feuding for years and things get even more tense when Marcy’s women’s group clashes with Al’s NO MA’AM organization. Admittedly, it would be tough existing next door to the Bundy clan and their unique way of living. From the always scheming Bud, to dim-witted Kelly, to parents Al and Peg, who are always taking advantage of the more well-off D’Arcy’s, it would be exhausting to come home. Then again, you can’t feel too bad, given they don’t seem to even like each other, let alone their neighbours.

#1: John Gustafson, Jr. & Max Goldman – Grumpy Old Men

The way these two curmudgeons prank each other comes from years of being rivals. John and Max have grown up together and even competed over girls during their younger days. That set off a lifelong animosity between the two neighbours, one that flares up when an attractive woman moves into the town and both grumps end up fawning over the lady. In the end, the joke is all on John and Max, though, as their kids end up married to one another, meaning the two will forever be linked. Something could also be said for the two old men needing each other, whether they realize it or not.

Super Saturday Shot Day: Crackhouse

1 oz Blackcurrant Liqueur
0.5 oz Peach Schnapps
Splash of Cranberry Juice
Garnish with Cranberries

All that’s left is to decide which one of you has to put up the ‘For Sale’ sign. Either that, or continue to battle forever, passing the torch on to future generations. Sometimes you just have to stand your ground and hope for the best!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I liked this shot. It could have been too sweet, but the Cranberry Juice neutralizes that. For some reason, I really love chewing on Cranberries when the shooter is done. Yeah, I’d probably be one of those neighbours you hate with vehement passion!

Ireland – The Emerald

Posted on March 20, 2014 by Daniel Wilson

Pot of Gold

The leprechaun has long been associated with Ireland and is an important figure of Irish folklore. Of course, that doesn’t necessarily mean it will always be portrayed in the best of lights elsewhere. Here are some of the famous leprechauns we can learn from:

Lucky the Leprechaun – Lucky Charms

Also known as Sir Charms and L.C. Leprechaun (monikers he invented to avoid creditors who were after his Lucky Charms!), this imp was introduced in the 1960’s, shortly after the cereal hit store shelves. Originally, the breakfast option only contained four different marshmallow shapes, but over time that number grew to eight permanent charms. Lucky was briefly replaced by Waldo the Wizard in 1975, but it wasn’t long before the leprechaun was back with the brand. Some say he bought his way back into the picture with his pot o’ gold riches!

O’Reilly – The Simpsons

This little hellraiser appears in a number of Simpsons episodes, most notably one of the Treehouse of Horror segments where Homer has drawn the ire of a gypsy and has been cursed. Looking to reverse his fortune, he traps a leprechaun (using Lucky Charms as bait), but O’Reilly just causes havoc in the Simpson home. When Homer takes the leprechaun to battle the gypsy, the two fall in love and are married in a ceremony performed by Yoda of Star Wars fame. O’Reilly is also an imaginary vision for Ralph Wiggum, telling the youngster to burn things.

Braun the Leprechaun – World Championship Wrestling

Leave it to professional wrestling to have a leprechaun running around the ring and causing havoc. Braun briefly appeared with the Dungeon of Doom stable, a group of dark and sometimes mythological characters, including The Yeti (although he was dressed like a mummy… no, seriously) and Loch Ness (a 600-plus pound monster of a man, billed from the Scottish Highlands). Portrayed by the grappler (real name DeWayne Bruce) that would eventually become perennial loser Sgt. Buddy Lee Parker, he is most recognized for his work training future stars, particularly Bill Goldberg.

Hornswoggle – World Wrestling Entertainment

Sticking with professional wrestling, years after Braun, another shot was taken at the character, this time using a little person. Originally named Little Bastard, the character soon evolved into Hornswoggle (which means to cheat, swindle, hoodwink, or hoax), helping Irish bruiser Finlay score a number of underhanded victories. Hornswoggle has gone on to become a fan favourite, while enjoying high-profile roles such as joining D-Generation X as their mascot, being the illegitimate son of WWE Chairman Vince McMahon, winning the Cruiserweight Title, and holding the position of anonymous General Manager of Monday Night Raw.

Notre Dame Fighting Irish/Boston Celtics Leprechauns

These famous logos and mascots have helped define both squads. For Notre Dame, the team had gone through a number of nicknames (Catholics, Hoosiers, Rockmen, Bulldogs) before settling on the Fighting Irish. This was done because a leprechaun joined the cheerleading squad and has remained on the team’s sideline ever since. As for the Celtics, their mascot Lucky was designed by the brother of legendary coach Red Auerbach. Complete with shillelagh and shamrock-adorned attire, it just doesn’t get much more Irish… although Lucky lacks the red locks we usually associate with leprechauns.

The Leprechaun – Leprechaun Movies

Played by little person Warwick Davis (of Willow and Harry Potter fame), The Leprechaun horror movie franchise has spawned six films and is due for a reboot with the aforementioned Hornswoggle (real name Dylan Postl) taking over the lead role. Falling in line with recent movie trends, the new film will be an origin story. Back to the original series, premises ranged from The Leprechaun tracking down his stolen gold, to searching for a bride, and even rampages through Las Vegas, space, and Compton, California (in the ghetto!). The first installment even featured a young and unknown Jennifer Aniston… she ended up doing pretty well for herself!

Seriously, they did not one, but two Leprechaun films set in “Tha Hood”!

Brian Connors – Darby O’Gill and the Little People

This Disney live action movie features a horde of leprechauns led by Brian Connors, the ‘King of the Leprechauns’. Connors and O’Gill are friendly adversaries, each trying to outsmart the other. O’Gill, an elderly groundskeeper is trying to capture Connors and be granted three wishes, hoping to set his daughter up for a happy life. Conners was played by Jimmy O’Dea, an Irish comedian and songwriter. Sean Connery is also in the film and he even sings! Legend has it that his role as Michael McBride, the daughter’s eventual love interest, led to him being cast as James Bond.

Shado – Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

Known as Shado the Brain Thief because he possesses telepathic abilities, this leprechaun lawyer uses his powers to mess with opposing counsel and juries and manipulate them for his own gains. If Mrs. Sip (also a lawyer) was capable of telepathy, she’d be even more of a legend than she already is… which is due largely in part to her association with the Sip Advisor. Anyhoo, Shado is voiced by Toby Huss, who provided the dialogue for a number of characters on King of the Hill, including Cotton Hill, Kahn Souphanousinphone, Joe Jack, and M.F. Thatherton.

Ireland: The Emerald

2 oz Irish Whiskey
1 oz Sweet Vermouth
Dashes of Orange Bitters
Garnish with Orange Zest

I hope everyone finds their pot of gold at the end of the rainbow… that is, unless you have to battle a deranged leprechaun to get at your cash money. My advice is to wait until the little guys tucker themselves out before achieving your treasure. Kind of like I do with my desire to high-five monkeys!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
This is basically a Manhattan variation and it was decent. Whenever I make a drink with Orange Bitters, I go a little crazy with the dashes and that’s not a bad thing. I thought the Orange Zest bits looked pretty darn good, if I don’t say so myself. Party on!

July 30 – Maple Donut

Posted on July 30, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Mmmm, Donuts!

One of The Sip Advisor’s favourite snack treats is the donut, despite the rarity in which I actually indulge in having one (after all, I can’t look as good as I do without a little effort in self-discipline!). Let’s take a little look at some of the more interesting bits and bites I was able to dig up on such a treasured subject!

The donut is the favourite food of Homer Simpson and he isn’t alone. It’s estimated that 10 billion donuts are made annually in the U.S. and the average American will eat 63 of these snacks each year.

National Donut Day occurs on the first Friday of every June and celebrates volunteers with the Salvation Army providing World War I veterans with the treat nearly a century ago. Sadly, Canada doesn’t recognize this holiday, but donut chains like Krispy Kreme, which have expanded into the country, extend the same free donut offer they do in the U.S. to their Canadian customers.

The glazed donut is by far the world’s most popular selection and only contains 200 calories on average. Other more “health conscious” breakfast items such as bagels or croissants will rack you up much more than that in calory content.

According to WhitePages.com, 10 people in the United States have the name Donut or Doughnut. I’m not sure if this is a hippy thing or just a snack treat loving thing.

At the 1933 World’s Fair in Chicago, the donut was lauded as the “Hit Food of the Century of Progress”… that’s some serious street cred!

The art of dunking a donut into coffee was popularized by Clark Gable in the movie It Happened One Night. Legend persists though, that actress Mae Murray was the first to ever try this combination when she accidentally dropped her snack into a cup of java.

Voodoo Doughnut in Oregon has become world famous for their unique recipes and eclectic business operations. It even performs marriage ceremonies, providing donuts and coffee for the reception. Some of Voodoo’s fascinating recipes include the Captain My Captain, featuring Captain Crunch cereal on top of vanilla frosting and the Bacon-Maple Bar, with strips of crispy bacon. It also experiments with other cereals, such as Froot Loops and Cocoa Puffs, and many of Voodoo’s doughnuts have a sexual or occult overtone. The company used to offer NyQuil Glazed and Vanilla Pepto Crushed Tums doughnuts, but local health officials kyboshed those varieties.

Tim Horton’s, Canada’s largest contribution to the coffee and donut game, was founded by a former NHL player of the same name. Sadly, while he enjoyed some success with the business, he never saw the company grow into what it has become, dying after a high-speed police chase. His blood alcohol level was twice the legal limit at the time of his death. It may be a little ironic that Tim Horton’s has an annual Roll-Up the Rim to Win prize campaign, when its founder died rolling his sports car. On a positive note, despite Horton’s widow selling the family’s shares in the company for $1 million to Horton’s business partner and co-founder, Ron Joyce, Joyce’s son and Horton’s daughter later got married, bringing the Horton family back into the ownership fold.

Speaking of donut shops, I’m proud to say that Canada has more outlets per capita than any other country in the world. That’s some impressive stuff from my countrymen! Sadly, we can’t claim to have created the largest donut ever, as that unsurprisingly goes to the U.S. with a jelly donut weighting 1.7 tons.

There is much debate over doughnut vs. donut. I prefer donut and will only use the other form if that is the actual name of a company… enough of this arguing though, it’s time for some pastry snacking of the solid and liquid variety!

Drink #211: Maple Donut (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

Rim glass with Sugar
1.5 oz Glazed Donut Liqueur
1.5 oz Crown Royal Maple Whiskey

Do you have any donut trivia to pass along to me? I’ll just be sitting here downing a Long John or two and sipping away at this terrific martini. But don’t worry about disturbing me… it was bound to happen sooner or later!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
On a whim, I put together this little recipe and it was a hit with the entire Sip Alliance. My only regret is that I didn’t have a donut or Timbit (Canadian donut hole) around to garnish the cocktail with. Oh well, will have to remember this slip up in the future.

March 18 – Lush

Posted on March 18, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Drunk-a-lunks

A couple months ago, we shared a few laughs looking at some alcohol lightweights. Today, we look at their opposites, the folks who can really throw the drink back and give a new meaning to the term booze hound. Ah, my idols!

Roger Smith – American Dad

There are very few scenes of American Dad where Roger isn’t drunk, drinking or talking about getting soused. He’s been known to spend a majority of the Christmas season out of his gourd on eggnog and has even gone into the moonshine business, showing his passion for sweet lady liqour and all that she can provide mankind.

Intoxi-quoted: “Pardon me, sir. I’m what you might call an advanced drinker, and I’ve been having a Dickens of a time concocting an eggnog that provides the certain… heady tingle that I require.”

Homer Simpson & Barney Gumble – The Simpsons

While both men have struggled with their alcohol needs over the series’ many years, Barney seems to have finally strapped himself onto the sober wagon but I don’t think Homer ever will… he’s just too funny when he’s blitzed. Ironically, Homer is the one who gave Barney his first beer… the night before Barney’s SAT exam that he was set to ace.

Intoxi-quoted: Homer: “Wow, Barney. You brought a whole beer keg.” Barney: “Yeah… where do I fill it up?”

Cheers Gang – Cheers

While you don’t often see the guys from Cheers getting drunk per se, given the number of hours they spend at the bar each day, you’d have to assume that they’re often going home substantially liquored up. Heck, it’s the only way Norm Peterson will go home to his never-seen wife, Vera.

Intoxi-quoted: Woody Boyd: “Hey Mr. Peterson. Jack Frost nipping at your nose?” Norm Peterson: “Yeah. Now let’s get Joe Beer nipping at my liver.”

Willie – Bad Santa

Willie is a stinking drunk and he knows it. He has no interest in turning his life around and wants nothing more than his next big score (usually from robbing whichever department store he’s worked at during the Christmas season) before moving onto the next target. If I was ever a mall Santa, you can bet I’d show up to work looking as disheveled as this naughty Claus.

Intoxi-quoted: Sue: “I’ve always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn’t notice. It’s like some deep-seeded childhood thing.” Willie: “So is my thing for tits.”

Bender Rodriguez – Futurama

Bender is not really an alcoholic, but he needs to drink alcohol to keep his mechanics running… so, he drinks a LOT! He even fermented his own brew inside of himself, treating the mix as if it were his own unborn child. Now that’s true love and devotion.

Intoxi-quoted: “I’m gonna drink ’til I reboot!”

Lucille Bluth – Arrested Development

The matriarch of the Bluth clan, Lucille lives a life of luxury (despite the fact she can no longer afford it) and what better to do than get drunk off your ass on a daily basis. Her kids have grown up – although Buster, in his late 30’s, has yet to leave home – and she doesn’t have to (or want to) work, so the only way to pass the time is with a delicious cocktail.

Intoxi-quoted: Lucille Bluth: “Get me a vodka rocks.” Michael: “Mom, it’s breakfast.” Lucille: “And a piece of toast.”

Peter Griffin – Family Guy

When Peter and the guys hit the Drunken Clam, someone, if not all of them, are bound to go home plastered. Peter’s drinking has got him into a lot of trouble over time, including multiple arrests, issues with his wife, near-death experiences and the killing of nearly every brain cell he ever had… and he didn’t start off with many to begin with.

Intoxi-quoted: “C’mon, let’s go drink ’til we can’t feel feelings anymore.”

Drink #77: Lush

1 oz Vodka
0.5 oz Melon Liqueur
0.5 oz Peach Schnapps
Top with Apple-Lime Juice
Garnish with Lime Wedge and Apple Wedge

Mrs. Sip often calls me a drunk-a-lunk when I’m hitting the bottle with awesome passion and force. So, here are some departing words from yours truly: “When you wake up after a hard night of drinking and you’re worried about your liquor supply, just remember that even potatoes can be turned into vodka!”

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
I thoroughly enjoyed this cocktail. From the usually solid Melon Liqueur to the delicious Apple-Lime Juice, I was very happy that a recipe I thought would be awesome actually turned out that way. It also looked great, completing the package.

January 8 – Scotch on the Rocks

Posted on January 8, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Potent Quotables

So, I come home from a long day at the office to screaming kids, a messy place and an angry wife… not to mention no dinner on the table. Just kidding, only one of those things was true and that’s only because I do most of the cooking around here at the Sip Advisor offices.

Still, I felt that it was a good day to put away the mixology tools, pour myself a glass of scotch and wax philosophical about some of my favourite alcohol quotes. So, put on your tweed jackets with leather elbow patches and join me for a riveting tour through the human psyche… inebriated edition.

“To alcohol, the cause of… and solution to, all of life’s problems.” – Homer Simpson

I love this quote. It really sums up the whole life story of booze in 12 words and some ellipses or dashes… whichever you prefer. Alcohol can mend fences as quickly as it can burn those fences to the ground, if you’re not careful. Take one sip if it’s caused you a problem. Take two sips if it’s solved an issue. Chug if it has destroyed and fixed the same problem, or vice versa, in succession.

“Alcohol may be man’s worst enemy, but the bible says love your enemy.” – Frank Sinatra

Oh, Frankie… you sure did do it your way! If I’m to take anything from his quote, my enemies also consist of my wife, kitties and blankets.

“Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life.” – George Bernard Shaw

Way to be a bit of a killjoy, Mr. Shaw. Although you have given me an idea for any future surgeries I may have to confront. Instead of taking the prescribed anesthesia (when I was 12 and had my kidney removed it looked like apple juice, but brother it sure didn’t taste like apple juice and I still can’t bring myself to drink AJ to this day) I’ll just get loaded to the point of passing out and then the doctors can do their worse to me.

“Alcohol gives you infinite patience for stupidity.” – Sammy Davis, Jr.

Who would have ever thought that The Rat Pack members would be asked their thoughts on alcohol? Hell, you could probably write an entire book on the group’s exploits with and thoughts on liquor. Sammy makes a great point, though… why do you think my wife drinks?!

Oh, Winston, that hand signals means quite a different thing now than it did in your day…

“I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.” – Winston Churchill

Atta boy Winston… you show them who’s the man. And we should all be enjoying life to the fullest, taking everything we can out of it. You only get one shot at living and I’ll be damned if I’m going to take it easy on myself in order to extend a life that can be snuffed out by things beyond my control.

“Alcohol is like love. The first kiss is magic, the second is intimate, the third is routine. After that you take the girl’s clothes off.” – Raymond Chandler

Sure, you could make an analogy between the start of a relationship and getting drunk for the first times in your life… but have you ever seen a bottle of booze naked… there’s really not much there to enjoy.

“That’s the problem with drinking, I thought, as I poured myself a drink. If something bad happens you drink in an attempt to forget; if something good happens you drink in order to celebrate; and if nothing happens you drink to make something happen.” – Charles Bukowski

Alcohol is many things to many different people. Some don’t like it, some love it and some don’t care either way. To me, booze should only be drunk in times of good… thankfully, I’m a very happy man!

And now, here’s something we hope you’ll really like (ala Rocky the Flying Squirrel)…

Drink #8: Scotch on the Rocks

2 oz Scotch (I used my Glenfiddich: Milleniumm Vintage)
Add ice as desired
Garnish with whatever meets your fancy

For the occasional scotch drinker, unless you are sipping an 18-year-old scotch, chances are you will feel the need for a bit of ice. Some Scotch connoisseurs may turn their nose up at a bit of ice, but hey it’s your drink and I’m over here getting too drunk to judge (I generally leave that to women and cats… especially cats, those judgmental, but very cute buggers).

I love my bottle of scotch, given to me as a wedding gift. I just find the details of the scotch (part of the new millennium batch and bottled the year I got married) to be so neat and a case of symmetry in my life. It’s almost as if it were fate that all these moving parts came together for me. So, please join me in a toast with whatever you have in your hand:

“To alcohol… because life just isn’t the same without it!” – Daniel Wilson aka The Sip Advisor

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
What can you say about Scotch on the Rocks that hasn’t been said by millions of others over time. It is certainly an acquired taste and one that I’ve been happy to develop in recent years. It will certainly make you feel all warm and fuzzy in little time and the smoky flavour is an enjoyable one for me.

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The Good, The Bad & The Bubbly

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