June 14 – Who’s Ya Daddy?

Father Knows Best

Much like we did for Mother’s Day last month, for Father’s Day, we’ll take a peek at some of the worst hombres out there, so we can truly appreciate the male role models in our life. Here are the Top 5 worst dads:

#5: George Bluth, Sr. – Arrested Development

The patriarch of the Bluth family is a prime culprit for why his children have turned out to be so rotten. Sure, mother Lucille isn’t that much better and is perhaps even worse, but George has played a significant role in ruining his kid’s lives. I mean, the series basically kicks off with his arrest for shady business practices and he spends most of the series behind bars or on the run. George’s son Gob could even make the list, although for a long time, Gob didn’t even know he was a father. The problem, is that when he learned of his son’s existence, he still didn’t do much to have a relationship with him and instead carried on in his normal selfish fashion.

George Bluth

#4: Peter Griffin – Family Guy

Forget his complete stupidity and lack of compassion, Peter Griffin is a horrible father in every way possible. The way he treats his daughter Meg, in particular, is criminal (although admittedly, occasionally funny). Peter’s own dad – or at least who he thought was his biological father – was mean-spirited and neglectful to him and it seems Francis Griffin’s childrearing techniques have been passed down a generation. While he seems to mostly get along with his sons Chris and Stewie, they have also been at odds over various issues, as well. Somehow they still find a way to love the dope and thus we have the Family Guy.

#3: Darth Vader – Star Wars

So, first this guy slices off his son’s hand and then drops the bombshell on him that he’s his father! That’s some top-notch caretaking there. It should also be noted that all Darth Vader wants to do is swing Luke Skywalker over to the dark side. That’s like fathers in this day in age bringing their children along for drive-by shootings and bank robberies. Sure, he finally redeems himself a little before his death, but your general silence towards your children pushes them into an unwittingly incestuous moment. I never knew the Star Wars empire resembled that of the backwoods, but apparently it’s not that far off… just look at the Ewoks!

Darth Vader Father

#2: Tywin Lannister – Game of Thrones

There is some good competition for worst father on this show and an entire list could be compiled based on the father figures presented. Tywin Lannister tops them all, though, thanks to his range of bad deeds and prominence in the series. He is quick to pit his children against each other and disregards their feelings if they don’t jive with his aspirations of improving the family name and place in the realm. His abuse of his imp son Tyrion is particularly disturbing as he seems constantly ashamed of Tyrion because of his appearance (as if he can control how he was born) and how it might reflect on him and the family’s standing.

#1: Vince McMahon – World Wrestling Entertainment

While he could very well be the best father in the world off-camera, on screen, Vince McMahon (or Mr. McMahon as he prefers to be known) has been awful towards both his children, as well as his wife, feuding with each of them at one point or another. It’s no wonder that both of his kin have turned on him and even worked together to try and drive him out of business. Shane and Stephanie certainly have their own faults, but the lengths Vince has gone to in order to antagonize his enemies, at the expense of his children, has been psychopathic. He even had daughter Stephanie put up as a blood sacrifice to The Undertaker and fought Shane in a Street Fight.

Super Saturday Shot Day: Who’s Ya Daddy?

Who's Ya Daddy? Shot

  • Rim glass with Caramel Syrup
  • 0.75 oz Cognac
  • 0.75 oz Kahlua

I just want to wish Pa Sip a very happy Father’s Day and thank him for not using any of the men listed above as inspiration! To all the other prod papas out there, enjoy your day and make sure the next generation doesn’t drop the ball!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
This shot was everything you would expect from mixing Cognac and Kahlua together. It was smooth and a little sweet. I used a simple Caramel Syrup rim because dad’s aren’t flashy and this classy shooter deserved an equally refined presentation.

May 10 – Blushing Lady

Motherly Love

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and every single little sipper out there in Sip Nation better be doing something special for their mom. I, personally know the way to Ma Sip’s heart is paved with wine… know your audience, am I right!? To show each and every one of you just how awesome your mom probably is, here are the top five worst mothers:

#5: Lois Wilkerson – Malcolm in the Middle

She’s driven one child to reform school and the three others that still live at home (with a fifth child eventually joining the fray) are wilder than a pack of hyenas. It’s a miracle that Malcolm emerged as a gifted student, although a couple of his other brothers are also intelligent, but use their smarts in other realms. It was rare to see Lois not shouting at the kids or disciplining them. An interesting tidbit about Malcolm in the Middle is that the writers worked very hard to conceal the family’s surname throughout the series, going so far as to have Francis drop his nametag at one point and for the audience to see it say “Nolastname.”

Lois Fate

#4: Cersei Lannister – Game of Thrones

Parents are often punished for the crimes of their children and anyone who can produce such an awful, sadomasochistic spawn, such as Joffrey Baratheon, has to have their own issues… like, I don’t know, being in an incestuous relationship with your brother. Oddly, her other son Tommen is the complete opposite to Joffrey, so perhaps he was just a bad apple (there’s one in every bunch). Cersei is certainly a wicked woman, not entirely surprising given her father’s actions and child rearing skills, which include demoralizing his brood every chance he gets and running their lives through power and intimidation.

#3: Peggy Bundy – Married with Children

Peggy’s greatest crime as a mother is that she just doesn’t care about her offspring and is too pre-occupied with spending all of the family’s money on treats for herself, rather than groceries, clothes, and the other needs of her husband and children. Her lack of a job throughout a vast majority of the show’s long run and preference for staying at home and watching Oprah while chowing down on bonbons shows just how lazy she is. Add in her disdain for cooking and cleaning and you have a mom who isn’t really paying her dues for the family.

Peg Bundy

#2: Malory Archer – Archer

Sterling Archer spent most of his life being raised by Woodhouse, his live-in caretaker, and being sent to boarding school, while his mother’s career as an international operative flourished. Malory even left Sterling stranded in a train station one Christmas Eve, as he was trying to make his way home from school for the holidays. In a case fit for the Maury Show, Malory is unsure of who Sterling’s father is and with a couple of options, made up a fictionalized dad, complete with backstory and naval honours. Despite her lack of affection for her son, Malory has made sure that Sterling has been dependent on her for most of his adult life.

#1: Lucille Bluth – Arrested Development

Lucille is really only loved by one of her children and even Buster has his moments where he can’t stand the nasty, alcoholic matriarch of the Bluth family. She is quick to criticize all of her kin (also including Gob, Lindsay, and Michael) and also has a habit of turning them against each other. Most of the messes the Bluth family wind up in is caused by Lucille, particularly her pilfering of the family company’s funds to support her lavish lifestyle. Played by Jessica Walters, who also provides the voice for Malory Archer, it would seem this lady has the market cornered on awful mother characters… bet she’s nice in real life, though.

Super Saturday Shot Day: Blushing Lady

Blushing Lady Shot

  • Rim glass with Sugar
  • 0.5 oz Vodka
  • 0.5 oz PAMA Pomegranate Liqueur
  • Splash of Grapefruit Juice
  • Garnish with a Strawberry Slice

Perhaps next year, we’ll take a look at the flip side of this coin, the warm and loving mothers (your Marge Simpson’s, Kitty Forman’s, etc. of the world) to further provide examples of how to be a great mom. Either that, or we’ll examine the reality TV “real life” moms out there that are cringe worthy with every act they commit. Happy Mother’s Day to all the lovely ladies out there that deserve the title!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
Yet another cocktail I’ve had to convert into a shot… clearly there are some noticeable voids in the mixology world that the Sip Advisor will have to fill! This shot was pretty good with a bitter aftertaste from the Grapefruit Juice. That’s what kind of takes the rating down a little.

March 18 – Lush

Drunk-a-lunks 

A couple months ago, we shared a few laughs looking at some alcohol lightweights. Today, we look at their opposites, the folks who can really throw the drink back and give a new meaning to the term booze hound. Ah, my idols!

Roger Smith – American Dad

There are very few scenes of American Dad where Roger isn’t drunk, drinking or talking about getting soused. He’s been known to spend a majority of the Christmas season out of his gourd on eggnog and has even gone into the moonshine business, showing his passion for sweet lady liqour and all that she can provide mankind.

Intoxi-quoted: “Pardon me, sir. I’m what you might call an advanced drinker, and I’ve been having a Dickens of a time concocting an eggnog that provides the certain… heady tingle that I require.”

Roger Drunk

Homer Simpson & Barney Gumble – The Simpsons

While both men have struggled with their alcohol needs over the series’ many years, Barney seems to have finally strapped himself onto the sober wagon but I don’t think Homer ever will… he’s just too funny when he’s blitzed. Ironically, Homer is the one who gave Barney his first beer… the night before Barney’s SAT exam that he was set to ace.

Intoxi-quoted: Homer: “Wow, Barney. You brought a whole beer keg.” Barney: “Yeah… where do I fill it up?”

Cheers Gang – Cheers

While you don’t often see the guys from Cheers getting drunk per se, given the number of hours they spend at the bar each day, you’d have to assume that they’re often going home substantially liquored up. Heck, it’s the only way Norm Peterson will go home to his never-seen wife, Vera.

Intoxi-quoted: Woody Boyd: “Hey Mr. Peterson. Jack Frost nipping at your nose?” Norm Peterson: “Yeah. Now let’s get Joe Beer nipping at my liver.”

Willie – Bad Santa

Willie is a stinking drunk and he knows it. He has no interest in turning his life around and wants nothing more than his next big score (usually from robbing whichever department store he’s worked at during the Christmas season) before moving onto the next target. If I was ever a mall Santa, you can bet I’d show up to work looking as disheveled as this naughty Claus.

Intoxi-quoted: Sue: “I’ve always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn’t notice. It’s like some deep-seeded childhood thing.” Willie: “So is my thing for tits.”

Bad Santa Drunk

Bender Rodriguez – Futurama

Bender is not really an alcoholic, but he needs to drink alcohol to keep his mechanics running… so, he drinks a LOT! He even fermented his own brew inside of himself, treating the mix as if it were his own unborn child. Now that’s true love and devotion.

Intoxi-quoted: “I’m gonna drink ’til I reboot!”

Lucille Bluth – Arrested Development

The matriarch of the Bluth clan, Lucille lives a life of luxury (despite the fact she can no longer afford it) and what better to do than get drunk off your ass on a daily basis. Her kids have grown up – although Buster, in his late 30’s, has yet to leave home – and she doesn’t have to (or want to) work, so the only way to pass the time is with a delicious cocktail.

Intoxi-quoted: Lucille Bluth: “Get me a vodka rocks.” Michael: “Mom, it’s breakfast.” Lucille: “And a piece of toast.”

Peter Griffin – Family Guy

When Peter and the guys hit the Drunken Clam, someone, if not all of them, are bound to go home plastered. Peter’s drinking has got him into a lot of trouble over time, including multiple arrests, issues with his wife, near-death experiences and the killing of nearly every brain cell he ever had… and he didn’t start off with many to begin with.

Intoxi-quoted: “C’mon, let’s go drink ’til we can’t feel feelings anymore.”

Drink #77: Lush

Lush Cocktail

  • 1 oz Vodka
  • 0.5 oz Melon Liqueur
  • 0.5 oz Peach Schnapps
  • Top with Apple-Lime Juice
  • Garnish with Lime Wedge and Apple Wedge

Mrs. Sip often calls me a drunk-a-lunk when I’m hitting the bottle with awesome passion and force. So, here are some departing words from yours truly: “When you wake up after a hard night of drinking and you’re worried about your liquor supply, just remember that even potatoes can be turned into vodka!”

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
I thoroughly enjoyed this cocktail. From the usually solid Melon Liqueur to the delicious Apple-Lime Juice, I was very happy that a recipe I thought would be awesome actually turned out that way. It also looked great, completing the package.