Mixer Mania #18 – Using and Abusing

Posted on May 1, 2017 by Daniel Wilson

For some time, commercials have aired hyping chocolate milk as the perfect post-workout beverage. Yes, better than protein shakes, regular milk, water, or sports drinks. Regardless of how legit this claim may be, it got the Sip Advisor thinking about fictional substances used by characters to enhance their physique:

Weight Gain 4000 – South Park

In Eric Cartman’s obsession to be a “beefcake” for his televised award ceremony, after winning his school’s Save Our Fragile Planet essay contest, he begins taking doses of Weight Gain 4000. Well, at least the product came as advertised. By the end of the episode, Cartman has swelled to a massive size and is barely moveable. In his mind, though, the added pounds are simply muscle mass. Cartman does get the fame he wanted, though, as his obesity lands him on talk show Geraldo.

Cartman Weight Gain 4000

Thump – Aqua Teen Hunger Force

After being hospitalized for high blood pressure, Master Shake decides to get into shape. His method of doing this is to drink copious amounts of an illegal fitness beverage called Thump. The product’s flavour options – Mango Bitch Slap, Coconut What Did You Say To Me, and Blueberry Butt Rape – would have most people reconsider, but this is Master Shake we’re talking about. Of course, the muscles gained come to life and start a murderous rampage… just another day in South Jersey!

Powersauce – The Simpsons

Looking to shed his trademark spare tire, Homer Simpson turns to the Rainier Wolfcastle endorsed Powersauce bars to help with his efforts in the gym. Homer’s dedication to only eating foods in bar form led to him becoming the next spokesperson for Powersauce bars and their representative to scale the ominous Murderhorn Mountain. Homer ends up being successful in reaching the Murderhorn peak, but it is also learned that Powersauce bars are merely made from apple cores and Chinese newspapers.

Homer Powersauce Bars

Spinach – Popeye

Popeye has been using this “performance-enhancing substance” throughout his career, with Olive Oyl his enabler. Popeye simply grabs a can of spinach, pops it open and consumes the vegetable, leading to bulging muscles that get him through a number of dire situations. In the real world, spinach sales increased as a result of the character’s association with it. Ironically, spinach was chosen as Popeye’s supplement of choice, due to its iron content, which was later determined to be a miscalculation.

Venom – Batman

The supervillain Bane gains his massive physique by abusing this super steroid. The addictive formula must be constantly administered, directly to Bane’s brain, or else the user will suffer extreme withdrawal. The drug makes Bane so strong, that he is able to break Batman’s back and send him into temporary retirement. Of course, anytime his stream of Venom is disrupted, Bane becomes weak and easily defeated. After all, every antagonist has to have their Achilles’ heel.

Mixer Mania #18: Dirty Bastard

Dirty Bastard.JPG

1 oz Tequila
0.5 oz Irish Crème
0.5 oz Kahlua
0.5 oz Amaretto
Top with Chocolate Milk
Garnish with Maraschino Cherries

I don’t think I would take any of these enhancers. No, I’ll stick to the chocolate milk – preferably booze-fueled – thank you very much!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
The highlight of this martini might have been finally opening the bottle of Bailey’s Cherry Chocolate Irish Crème I’ve been holding onto for far too long. Despite all the booze that’s part of this recipe, the cocktail is fairly light and the flavours are quite cohesive.

Flavour Revolution – Marshmallow

Posted on July 20, 2015 by Daniel Wilson

Original Origins

Legend has it that the word s’more (one of the most popular marshmallow concoctions) is a contraction of “some more”, as in “I want some more s’mores!” As a wordsmith and general random information hound, I’ve often wondered where other words and concepts come from… here’s the answer to some of those origin stories:

Ponzi Scheme

I never really thought about the fact that the term Ponzi Scheme (taking money from new investors to pay older investors) came from an actual person. In fact, it came from the originator of the practice. In the early 1920’s, Charles Ponzi started taking money from investors for international postal coupons, promising returns of 50% in 45 days and 100% in 90 days. Although he never purchased the coupons, Ponzi quickly raked in $15 million as the scam went as viral as things could back in that time. Ponzi was later arrested and convicted, but went on to launch other schemes after his release. He eventually died in Brazil, an impoverished man.

Boycott

Today, people boycott products and concepts for all sorts of reasons. We have Charles Boycott to thank for that, although it’s not like he ever wanted things to turn out this way. When Boycott tried to evict a number of tenants during the Irish Land War of 1880, the result was being ostracised by his own workers, who refused to lift a finger for their employer; the disruption of trade between Boycott and other local businesses; and even the stoppage of mail being delivered to Boycott. A number of famous boycotts have occurred since, including countries refusing to attend various Olympic Games and the use of boycotts to invoke changes in civil rights, such as the Montgomery Bus Boycott.

Guillotine

In 1789, Dr. Joseph-Ignace Guillotin suggested to the French government that they find a more humane way of executing prisoners. His solution was to rapidly lop off their heads, rather than stick with the traditional methods used previously, such as beheading by sword and axe. The Guillotine would go on to be called France’s ‘National Razor’ – a term Gillette should steal for themselves – and was an immensely popular device, causing spectator events and parties surrounding executions. Despite this, Guillotin was not happy to be so closely associated with the device of death, his ancestors even trying to change its name, by appealing to the French government.

Turtle Guillotine

Sadism and Masochism

Two of the big four that make up the BDSM culture, can be attributed to people who practiced the acts, as well as wrote extensively on the subjects. Respectively, Marquis de Sade and Leopold von Sacher-Masoch can be credited with being the faces for these sexual behaviours, as introduced by Richard von Krafft-Ebing, a German psychiatrist, in his 1890 work ‘New Research in the Area of Psychopathology of Sex’. Half of Sade’s life was spent in various prisons and asylums, where he wrote many of his compositions. While Sacher-Masoch avoided jail time during his life, he also ended up in psychiatric care. Now, if only we could also explain bondage and domination in a similar fashion.

Miranda Rights

This right to remain silent, while being arrested by police in the United States, can be attributed to Ernesto Arturo Miranda, who argued that he was not informed what he was confessing to could be used against him as self-incriminating evidence, when he was detained, in 1963, on suspicion of kidnapping, rape, and armed robbery. Miranda was retried without his admissions being used in his subsequent trial and was convicted again. Upon being paroled, in 1972, Miranda would sell autographed Miranda Rights cards for $1.50 each. That was until he was killed in a bar fight in 1976. Many other countries have adopted similar warnings, since this case occured.

Flavour Revolution: Marshmallow Fondue

Swirl glass with Chocolate Syrup
2 oz Marshmallow Vodka
Top with Chocolate Milk
Garnish with Mini Marshmallows

The largest s’more ever made weighed 1,600 pounds, consisting of 20,000 marshmallows and 7,000 chocolate bars. This was possible thanks to a 1927 Girl Scout Handbook recipe, which not only outlined the ingredients needed, but gave the treat its name!

South Africa – Brown Elephant

Posted on January 23, 2014 by Daniel Wilson

Animal Crackers

Mrs. Sip and I hope to one day travel to South Africa and its neighbouring countries to enjoy a safari tour. I’ve always enjoyed the animatronic versions of the Jungle Cruise at the Disney Parks (even the corny jokes), so why not experience the real thing. I think my only issue with the entire trip would be encountering any snakes. The Black Mamba can kill 12 men within an hour it’s so venomous. While I hope to avoid the slithering folk as much as possible, here’s what I wouldn’t mind doing with some of the other inhabitants of the pride land!

Nap with Lions

Lions sleep about 20 hours each day, which sounds pretty awesome. Think about it, the ‘King of the Jungle’ sits atop the animal food chain, usually has a harem of lady kitties to choose from, and doesn’t really have to do anything to earn that power… that’s a pretty sweet existence. The lions could even keep you warm with the fur and playful mauling… um, I mean cuddling!

Stretch Out with Giraffes

I thoroughly enjoy a good stretch every now and again. When you’re as lazy as I claim to be (and I’m damn proud of it) you’ll find that stretching can be extremely rewarding and may even be the most exercise you experience is a week’s time. My favourite body part to stretch is my tongue. Keeping that organ limber has helped me be able to tie a cherry stem into a knot… yes, Mrs. Sip is a lucky lady!

Don’t Give a Shit with Honey Badgers

I have so much respect for these weasels. They are so bad ass that they can be bitten by a deadly snake, turn around and thrash that same serpent before eating it. They’re incredibly aggressive and persistent, often winning a fight by simply tiring their opposition. And then they walk around like they just don’t care. Teach me, oh wise honey badger.

Play Hungry Hungry Hippos with… well, Hippopotami!

Hippos are vegetarians, which means we better be competing for two different food supplies. I don’t want any damn vegetables on the game board unless they’re side dishes for a main course of some kind of animal. I guess veggies are still better than those little balls they’re trying to chomp in the classic board game. I don’t think plastic is easily digested by either human or hippo.

Stampede with Elephants

I certainly couldn’t retain water like elephants or go without drinking for long periods of time, but we could go for a run together and cause a little mayhem. I feel I’m far too mild-mannered in my life and perhaps there is much to learn from the elephants. They seem pretty docile until riled up and then watch out tree, you’re coming down.

Watch Stand-up Comedy with Hyenas

If you’re up for a good chuckle, why not enjoy some humour with a pack of hyenas. My only worry is that they won’t really get the jokes and will only cackle to not appear out of place. Don’t you hate those people? The ones who clearly don’t get it, but then over exaggerate their reaction just to be part of the moment. Typical hyenas…

Chew the Fat with Crocodiles

Sterling Archer’s second greatest fear is okay by me. That’s not to say I want to go for an underwater roll with it… I like my fresh air, thank you very much (although I can drink a beer underwater, so maybe I am part amphibious!?). I wish I had a set of chompers like a croc. That would make devouring everything from meat to caramels that much easier.

Gore Things with Rhinos

I think I’d be great at smashing into things with my head. I have been known to be stubborn and hard-headed and also have eradicated much of my brain cells, thereby making any concussion issues non-existent. I often get Mrs. Sip’s attention by butting my head into her shoulder. She doesn’t appreciate this very much, but it is a sincere sign of love on my part.

Evolve with Gorillas

I think it’s pretty amazing that us humans come from primates. Perhaps, and keep in mind I only play a scientist on TV, it’s the other way around and gorillas evolved from humans. If the Planet of the Apes franchise has taught me anything, it’s that gorillas probably wouldn’t take too kindly to me infiltrating their ranks and would outwit me with their vast intelligence and moxie.

Blend in with Zebras

These masters of disguises sure know how to disappear within their environment. As an introvert personality type, I sure could learn a lot by mimicking their blending techniques. That way, I could go to an unlimited number of parties and never be bugged by people trying to engage in small talk. I think people have grown tired of my shifty eyes and one word answers. I’m really only there to drink, anyway!

South Africa: Brown Elephant

2 oz Amarula
Top with Milk and Cola
Garnish with a Chocolate Stick

What would you like to do with the animals of the safari? One thing you probably want to avoid is spreading diseases with mosquitos… like a drug, it can be a hard world to extricate yourself from and you’ll probably have to go through a rehabilitation regime to get yourself back to normal.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
I decided to use Chocolate Milk with this recipe, harkening back to my early days as a wee little sipper when the first cocktail I ever created was called Zap and mixed Chocolate Milk with Cola. Add in that wonderful Amarula cream liqueur and you had one very happy Sip Advisor!

October 8 – Mudslide

Posted on October 8, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Ready-Made

Personally, I’m not a fan of ready-made booze products. But it’s a topic I feel should be discussed and what better time to do it than while we enjoy a fresh serving of one of the more popular bottled options, the Mudslide. Here are some other pre-mixed selections available on the market:

Mudslide – Packaged by the folks at Kahlua (among other companies), this is one concoction that I’ve actually tried and I remember (stop laughing… I do have some brain cells left) enjoying. Of course, this was years before I got into mixology and I don’t think I’d try this type of product nowadays.

Caesar – There’s been quite the market the last few years for ready-made Caesars and while it’s nice to have such a complicated recipe simplified in bottle form, I think the Caesar truly shines when you put all those intricate ingredients together yourself.

Cola Mixes – This can be done with rum, whiskey, bourbon, etc. with companies such as Bacardi, Malibu, Bulleit, Jim Beam, and Jack Daniel’s flooding the market. Broski Sip and I did find ourselves enjoying Jack Daniel’s Hard Cola on one vacation, but that was many moons before I became the Sip Advisor you worship today… I’m a bit of a booze snob now. Most of these liquor companies also offer their spirit mixed with ginger ale for the anti-cola drinker.

Gin & Tonic – G&T’s are so easy to make, it amazes me that anyone would need it to be pre-mixed and bottled for them, but the world has become incredibly lazy. Gordon’s is one prominent company that has jumped aboard the ‘ready-to-drink’ train. Smirnoff also offers a vodka tonic mix.

Cosmopolitan – I guess you could still pour your Cosmo bottle into a martini glass, but I think all of the class and sophistication the drink is supposed to come with would be lost. The girls on Sex and the City would be so horrified!

Mojito – I strive to make a wicked Mojito and have received rave reviews. I just can’t fathom enjoying a pre-mixed version of the cocktail, so I’ll just move on.

Long Island Iced Tea – I am a fan of the pre-mixed Long Island Iced Tea spirit, combining vodka, gin, rum, and triple sec in one fell swoop, but I don’t think I’d like a pre-bottled version of the drink, eliminating the chance for me to play with different mixers.

Long Island Iced Tea in a box!?!? Oh, shizzle, where do I sign up!

Dark N’ Stormy – Made by the Bundaberg Rum company, I only wonder if they got clearance from the Gosling’s folks to bottle this drink, since Gosling’s claims a copyright on the Dark N’ Stormy recipe and will fight bartenders who use it sans Gosling’s Rum.

Daiquiri/Margarita – I’ve seen these offerings in a wide array of flavours, from lime to strawberry to mango and everything in between. I’m a huge fan of the legitimate versions of these drinks and am curious to try the pre-mixed style, but also a little cautious, as well.

Pina Colada – We finish with the Pina Colada, which troubles me a little because I think the drink is best received in frozen form. I guess you could add it to shaved ice, much like a snow cone, but given we are mired in the onset of winter, I can’t even think about summer drinks at the moment.

Drink #281: Mudslide

1 oz Tequila (I used Hornitos)
0.5 oz Kahlua
0.5 oz Chocolate Liqueur
0.5 oz Irish Crème
Top with Chocolate Milk
Garnish with Peanut Butter Cup

It seems that all of your popular cocktails have been released in pre-mix form. That’s capitalism for you, I suppose. If this is how you prefer to get your swerve on, I don’t hate you… I just don’t like you very much!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
There are a variety of Mudslide recipes in existence. The ingredients I used are an amalgamation of those offerings. The Tequila stood out a little stronger than I would have liked, but otherwise, the cocktail was passable.

July 12 – Chocolate Milk Mojito

Posted on July 12, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Back In My Day…

As it is with every generational gap, there are a number of things my children will never get to experience and when I sit them down and tell them about my numerous adventures and quests, they will be forced to ask (as they are gripped by the power of my tales), “Daddy, what’s that?” I will shed a brief tear as I detail a treasure we’ve all lost and an experience point they will never gain (or even need). Love it or hate it, this is the way of our world.

Going to the Video Store

I wasn’t a big video store patron growing up, but we always joke that Mrs. Sip’s dad largely funded his local store with his renting activities, in all likelihood, keeping them in business a couple months more than they had any right to be. I do have to say that there was always a thrill when you’d be taken out to rent a flick. What would you grab for your evening entertainment? What would be available? Would your favourite flick be waiting on the shelf or would it be heartbreakingly gone? And just think of the snacks that flowed as you snuggle up and enjoy your movie. It’s a party…until you have to rush the Video/DVD back by noon the next day or risk the late fines!

Tapes, CDs, DVDs

Every generation loses an item that was previously used to record music or pictures. Growing up, I saw the phasing out of records, tapes, and video cassettes. My kids will likely come into a world where there are absolutely no products to be purchased in order to enjoy entertainment. Everything is becoming downloadable and streamable. Services like iTunes and Netflix are rendering stores like Best Buy, HMV, and Future Shop useless and the evolution continues.

Chalkboards and Overhead Projectors

This one may all be for the better. White boards are infinitely superior to gross, dusty chalkboards, while PowerPoint presentations surely top annoying, impractical overhead projectors. I dreaded being picked in school to either write on the chalkboard or projector, knowing my writing style would result in smudged chalk or pen. Things are just so much more sterilized these days and I bet even if chalkboards were still the norm, half the kids in the school wouldn’t be able to use them due to the discovery of chalk allergy. Might as well wrap them up in bubbles…

Trans-Fats

With this overwhelming move to healthier lifestyles in recent years (which I am in favour of), we’re losing a lot of wonderful junk food items. We must remember that snacks are okay in moderation. It’s a person’s own choice how much restraint they actually enact. Just because some fatty wants to stuff a few more Oreos in their gullet shouldn’t affect my ability to have a Tollhouse Ice Cream Cookie Sandwich with all its glorious trans-fats still in place. Sadly, my children won’t get to experience such an occasional treat as this.

Walking to School

It seems kids get driven everywhere nowadays. Or if, in the rare case, they actually walk to school, they are accompanied by a parent from door-to-door. Gone are the days when your group of children would gather in a cul-de-sac and traverse the mean streets together. I believe that eventually legs will become redundant and humans will turn into a race of non-walkers. It’s already happening at the world’s biggest theme parks and will be coming to a town near you soon!

Pennies and Paper Money

Penny for your thoughts? Ha, not anymore. Pennies are being eradicated from the earth and finding lose change on the street (a childhood thrill) will soon be a figment of the past with more and more folks from my generation refusing to carry anything but plastic. My kids will also never have to worry about washing their clothes with money in their pocket, thanks to Canada’s new polymer bills. While this is good in that I won’t have to worry about their allowance being destroyed, it won’t teach them to keep track of their belongings and value their gifts.

Drink #193: Chocolate Milk Mojito (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

Muddled Mint Leaves and Limes
1.5 oz White Rum (I used Bacardi)
0.5 oz Peppermint Schnapps
Top with Chocolate Milk
Garnish with Chocolate Straw and Lime Wedge

I think for one week every year, we should force our children to live the way we did, giving them a chance to reflect on how good they have it – and also how awesome our lives have been. We could call it: A Blast from the Past, and while our kids beg us to return to normalcy, we shall refuse, for we are having too much fun!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (2 Sips out of 5):
This had potential, but I might have misfired in some areas. I would remove the Lime and Peppermint Schnapps from future servings, as the Mint Liqueur is unnecessary and the Lime doesn’t play nice with the Chocolate Milk. Failure is not having the courage to try!

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