October 10 – Clown Corruption

Clowning Around

Clowns are downright creepy. Hell, serial killer John Wayne Gacey was one, performing for youngsters at parties in the same neighbourhoods where he stalked his prey. I’ve never been a fan of clowns, but at the same time, I can’t say I necessarily fear them. There are many who do, though. So many, that it even has its own term: coulrophobia. Here are some of the clowns that cause our anxiety:

#5: Doink the Clown

When Doink the Clown was first introduced into the then-WWF, he was sadistic and violent, with a nasty scowl that frightened audiences. The character lost its way when he was turned into a practical jokester good guy and paired with a midget doppelganger, dubbed Dink. Perhaps one of the reasons for the personality change was the departure from the company of original portrayer, Matt Osbourne, who seamlessly made Doink a figment of most kids’ nightmares, in the child friendly wrestling production.

#4: Twisty – American Horror Story

Mrs. Sip and I have only watched a couple episodes of American Horror Story: Freakshow, but it’s been enough to know that Twisty deserves a spot on this list. Some of the first images of the season show this deranged, psychopathic monster stalking a couple teenage lovers, before bludgeoning the boy. Although Twisty is a “retired” clown, he’s clearly not ready to abandon the makeup and he has a vendetta for the recently arrived freak show that is now inhabiting his town.

#3: Sweet Tooth

What do you get when you combine an insane, serial killer clown, with a missile-equipped ice cream truck? Twisted Metal, of course! Sweet Tooth’s backstory includes being cursed with a head that is perpetually on fire, helping him become an icon and mascot of not only the Twisted Metal franchise, but also the Sony Playstation console. Never again will the sounds of an ice cream truck conjure images of pleasure. Those have been replaced by mayhem, screams, and ‘Game Over’ captions.

#2: The Joker

There are many psychopaths among the Caped Crusader’s rogue gallery, but The Joker is chief among them. The ‘Clown Prince of Crime’ is not to be taken lightly, despite his festive appearance, as he has been responsible for the death of Jason Todd (the second Robin) and crippling Barbara Gordon (aka Batgirl), among other horrendous atrocities. No matter who portrays the character, The Joker continues to be a memorable and uber-creepy clown.

#1: Pennywise

From the mind of Stephen King, comes this disturbing tale of lost innocence and a murderous clown, who feeds on the fear of his victims. With spiked teeth, long claws, and an appetite for anxiety, it’s easy for Pennywise to create the panic that nourishes him. The made-for-TV movie still haunts many little sippers of my generation, even though the first half of the film – setting up the story – is so much better than the second half, where the now adults battle and defeat the maniacal clown.

Super Saturday Shot Day: Clown Corruption (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

  • Rim glass with Sprinkles
  • 1 oz Karnival Vodka
  • 0.5 oz Jagermeister Spice

The Cirque du Soleil clowns deserve some mention. While providing comedic relief, they’re super creepy and their gibberish language doesn’t help matters. Same goes for Ronald McDonald, who rumour has it, murdered all the McDonaldland characters we never see anymore!

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August 30 – Smokestack

Mains & Sides

Well, this is the last long weekend of the summer, which means it’s primetime for all the barbecue masters out there to whip up the delicacies we crave all winter long. While I’m pretty open to anything someone is kind enough to put on my plate, here are the Top 5 barbecue foods, according to the Sip Advisor:

#5: Kangaroo

Although Mrs. Sip and I only enjoyed this barbecued delicacy once, it’s a meal I will never forget… which is a little surprising because we were on a winery tour in the Barossa Valley of Australia and well on route to a drunken bender. The meat was prepared in red wine and was so tender and juicy that we went at the offering with a piranha-like frenzy. While I would usually never commit the faux pas of eating the last remaining piece, in this case, I even stabbed some poor dude with a fork to get it!

Kangaroo Meats

#4: Corn on the Cob/Cornbread

Corn is an essential ingredient for a good barbecue and thanks to these two serving options, can be enjoyed in different forms with equally pleasurable results. While the Sip Advisor hates getting food stuck in his teeth (the main reason he loathes popcorn), corn on the cob is one situation where that fear is thrown out the window. As for cornbread, you better lay your hands off my slice or it’s dueling time. Slap some butter on either of these side dishes and you’ll be in sweet-salty heaven.

#3: Potato Chips

My affinity for the potato chip has been discussed at length, but here we go again! I love my chippies and am practically addicted to the snack treat. Like a junkie, I start itching for that sweet release that comes with the first bite and the burst of flavour that will soon fill the void in my soul. Chips are an easy side for any meal, but work best when you have a big ol’ bowl of them on display for the Sip Advisor to steal, hide in some dark, dank corner and inject straight to the veins.

potato-chips-funny-quotes

#2: Pulled Pork

There’s nothing like smacking a glob of pulled pork down onto a fresh bun, topping it with some slaw and taking a mammoth bite out of the wicked sandwich. Preferably, you next move will be to wash down that food with an ice cold brewski, thus completing two-thirds of the holy trinity. All that’s left is to take a brief cat nap and repeat the process again. God bless the pig for all the awesomeness it provides.

#1: Hot Dogs

Is there anything that smells better in this world than a barbecue grilling up hot dogs? Other meats are all well and good, too, but for my money, nothing tops some smokies! Hot dogs are so amazing that they can become the icing on the cake or the cherry on the sundae, even when purchased on the street in the wee hours of the morning after getting blitzed all night long. Somebody better get the grill going because I’m ready for a feast fit for a Sip Advisor!

Super Saturday Shot Day: Smokestack (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

Aug 30

  • Rim glass with Barbecue Sauce
  • 1 oz Absolut Texas Vodka
  • 0.5 oz Chipotle Spirit
  • Garnish with Cucumber Slices

I have to throw a massive shout out and honourable mention to potato and noodle salads. Without these two brothers in mayonnaise, I don’t know how I would have survived barbecues as a little sipper picky eater!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (2 Sips out of 5):
This could be the world’s next great punishment shot, even though on their own, in various cocktails, the alcohols are quite nice. Speaking of the alcohol, Mrs. Sip and I recently stumbled upon this entry in the Absolut City Series, which combines Cucumber and Serrano Chili Peppers… a perfect summer blend. The Cucumber Slices were a nice touch visually, but were a choking hazard during the actual shooter.

August 9 – Secret of the Ooze

Reptile Rebellion

I’m a huge Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan and have been since the cool dudes with attitudes hit the airwaves in 1987. With the movie reboot that came out last night, it’s time to dedicate some space to turtle power and discuss the greatest reptiles ever. Let the debate begin!

#5: The Fraternity of Crocodiles – Pearls Before Swine

Some of the funniest Pearls Before Swine comics involve the Fraternity of Crocodiles (under their official name of Da Brudderhood of Zeeba Zeeba Eata) trying to get their chompers wrapped around the animals of Albany, California. These crocs really aren’t very bright, but they’re enthusiasm for eating zebras is unrivaled. Their failed attempts at procuring dinner is akin to Wile E. Coyote’s efforts and you find yourself routing for the bad guy to pick up a win.

zeeba_zeeba_eata

#4: Geico Gecko

I love this little mascot, who despite his gentle nature, seems to have a bite to him, as well. He is, after all, the smartest man in the room at high-level Geico meetings and that might be saying something about the insurance industry in general. The Geico Gecko was born out of the 1999 Screen Actors Guild strike, which resulted in the company not being able to use live actors. Kelsey Grammar originally voiced the character, but he has evolved into more of an everyman gecko with a Cockney accent.

#3: Rango

Perfectly cast, with Johnny Depp providing the lizard’s voice, Rango is the tale of a fish-out-of-water chameleon, who becomes sheriff of the desert town of Dirt and uncovers a mystery involving the area’s drinking water. I also have to give Rango props for dealing with the dreaded Rattlesnake Jake, using his brains to defeat the brawny gunslinger. Anytime a slithering snake is defeated, the Sip Advisor is a happy man.

rango-fear-and-loathing

#2: Bowser – Nintendo

One of the greatest video game baddies of all-time, Bowser seems obsessed with Princess Peach to the point that he’s kidnapped her so many times she’s developed a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome and doesn’t mind playing board games and going go-kart racing with the evil lizard king. Bowser even has his family members getting in on the sinful acts and you may defeat them, but the princess will likely be in another castle!

#1: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

You had to know that these four heroes in a half shell would take the top spot. Of course, Michaelangelo is my favourite among the troupe, but each member of the team holds a special place in my heart and brings something different to the table. One of my favourite things about the TMNT franchise is all the different sidekicks and villains that were introduced, from Casey Jones to the Shredder, and all the Bebop’s and Rocksteady’s in between.

Super Saturday Shot Day: Secret of the Ooze (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

Aug 9

  • Rim glass with Candy Sugar
  • 0.5 oz Melon Liqueur
  • 0.5 oz Pisang Ambon
  • Splash of Sour Apple Mix
  • Dash of Lime Cordial

I have to throw some honourable mentions out to Dino (Flintstones), Godzilla, Tick-Tock (Peter Pan), Sir Hiss (Robin Hood), and Reptile (Mortal Kombat). One reptilian that is definitely on the hate list is Barney the Dinosaur… he gives all prehistoric beasts a bad name and should have been slaughtered by the Transformers Dinobots crew.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
I wasn’t really happy with the Mutagen and other Ninja Turtles-themed drinks that already existed (although Drunken Moogle has a neat cocktail that actually uses the toy mutagen canister for its glass), so I built my own shot version, using as many green-coloured products I had in my arsenal. The results were a fruit punch of sorts, including the Lime Cordial Mrs. Sip and I made ourselves. This shooter also provided my first chance to use my new tilted shot glass, which goes perfectly with the theme, in my honest opinion.

March 8 – Pop Quiz

Learning Curve

While I’m happy to be done with school (although it may one day pull me back, kicking and screaming), there are a number of fictional institutes of learning that I haven’t minded attending on a weekly basis. Here are the top five schools of fine learning:

#5: Bayside High School – Saved by the Bell

It seems like the inmates run the asylum at Bayside. Mr. Belding can easily be wrapped around anyone’s finger and the collection of oddball teachers seem to have more fun making friends with their pupils than actually teaching them. Need a break from the stresses of teenage life? Why not hit up The Max for a bite to eat and a respite from the classroom. Upon graduation, you’d could even follow the gang to California University for some post-secondary tutelage.

SBTB

It truly was a perfect world!

#4: Acme Looniversity – Tiny Toon Adventures

I can only imagine the sheer joy (and pain) I’d experience while being taught by my idols; Wile E. Coyote, Sylvester J. Cat, and Yosemite Sam. The course catalogue would be interesting to scan through and might include classes like “Navigating Acme Products”, “Treating Exploding Cigar Injuries” and “Dressing in Drag to Confuse Enemies”. Remember, the teaching staff’s been getting laughs since 1933!

#3: Third Street School – Recess

This school will take you back to your earliest days of learning. To a time of first friends, crushes, and recesses. Recess depicted a time in life when kids don’t have many cares and can just be kids. The only thing to keep in mind is what you’re going to do at break time. Are you going to join an intense game of All the Balls? Perhaps you’ll hit Old Rusty, the jungle gym, for a few good slides. Just pray that you’re not stuck inside on a rain day or suffering through a dreaded detention sentence.

Recess

#2: Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters

Also known as Xavier Institute for Higher Learning, the only pre-requisite you’d have to figure out before attending would be finding your super power. I don’t think fending off hangovers is a talent suitable for a mutant academy, so I’m at a loss for what I could bring to the table. Still, a staff that includes a dude that shoots lasers from his eyes, a woman that can harness the power of weather, and a couple that can read your mind, would make classes very interesting.

#1: Greendale Community College – Community

This would be a truly epic school to attend, so long as every day featured one of the educational institute’s wacky competitions or other shenanigans. From paintball wars to the floor is lava games, each day would bring many unique opportunities. The faculty is a whole other level of insanity from Dean Craig Pelton to instructors such as Señor Ben Chang. Attending Greendale would certainly make your life more exciting, even if your degree wasn’t worth much in the real world.

Super Saturday Shot Day: Pop Quiz (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

Pop Quiz Shooter

  • Rim glass with Pop Rocks
  • 0.5 oz Root Beer Schnapps
  • 0.5 oz Bubble Gum Vodka
  • Splash of Lemonade

There are so many other institutions of learning that could have made this list, from Springfield Elementary (The Simpsons) to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (Harry Potter) and everything in between. Mrs. Sip would probably have loved to attend Breaker High, the school aboard a world-travelling cruise ship (not to mention Ryan Gosling would be a fellow student), while I could see myself excelling at Shiroiwa Junior High School, being shipped off to outlast my classmates Battle Royale style!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I had higher hopes for this original recipe (seven herbs and spices, of course!). It wasn’t bad, but it could have been better. When I think about it, Root Beer Schnapps and Bubble Gum Vodka have similar aftertastes and perhaps the two got lost in each other. Maybe a Bubble Gum Liqueur would have worked better than the Vodka version, but I don’t think that product exists yet.

December 7 – Winter is Coming

Yuletide Legends

Urban legends can be so fascinating. Movies and websites have been made to cover all of the crazy (yet sometimes true) theories out there. And Christmas is not safe from urban legends. Here are some of the most intriguing:

Suicidal Dream

Christmas is supposed to be one of happiest times of the year. For some, though, that just makes it all the more miserable. But the theory that more people commit suicide during the holidays over any other time of the year is pure myth. So, while the holidays may drive you crazy, as you visit with relatives you don’t particularly care for and battle with fellow shoppers to find the perfect gifts… it at least won’t drive you to kill yourself!

Assisted_Suicide

Candied Cane

While we recognize peppermints and candy canes as often being coloured red and white, a rumour has persisted that there’s more to the iconic image than just flavour. Some have insinuated that the candy cane is a symbol for Jesus Christ; the red representing his blood, and the white his purity, as well as the shape being a ‘J’. It’s simply not true, however, so feel free to eat your Jesus canes at all hours of the day and with complete disregard towards religious persecution.

The Brotherhood of the Travelling Pants

Let’s get a true legend into this piece. Apparently, two brother-in-laws spent 25 years trading a pair of pants back-and-forth as a Christmas gift, each year finding a more inventive way of exchanging the slacks. The tradition began in the 1960’s and involved the pants being stuffed into a thin pipe, baled, and even added to a concrete mix. The pants were finally destroyed when they were to be encased in molten glass, but were burned to ashes, accidentally. Kind of makes me hope I never have a brother-in-law!

Won’t Someone Think of the Children

We’ve all seen those donation boxes at Wal-Mart and other outlets that say toys bought in the store can be donated to needy children… well, it seems this case went awry when the donated toys were returned to store shelves for resale. At the Sterling, Colorado location, managers wanted gifts to be wrapped in a Wal-Mart bag to prove the item had been purchased and not simply taken off the shelf and tossed in the box. Of course, staff made the mistake of putting the box in an unsupervised spot in the first place and should have just taken a loss on any possible donations through mischief.

walmart-gene-pool

Unlikely Allies

We’ve all heard the story that German and Allied troops took a break from their World War I fighting on Christmas Day in 1914 to exchanged gifts, sing carols, and even play some footie (soccer for you North American blokes). Well, all of that is, in fact, true! There’s nothing like partying with your enemy. This is why I’m always celebrating with Mrs. Sip! The 1914 truce eventually ended (as does many of my armistices with Mrs. Sip) and future attempts to come together on Christmas didn’t pan out. The war ended on Nov. 11, 1918.

Only in Canada

Sometimes I love this little country of ours. Okay, so it’s actually a massive country, but that’s not the point. If you’ve ever wondered how to reach ol’ Santy Claus, apparently us Canucks even gave the jolly fat man a postal code. It’s H0H 0H0… that’s right, it reads Ho Ho Ho! Pretty clever stuff, am I right!? Every letter sent to this address is answered, even if it comes in a foreign language or even Braille. The postal code was established in 1982 does not require postage and even return letters are free of charge!

City of Santa Hate

Philadelphia is known as the City of Brotherly Love, but clearly not so much in the sports world, where fans of the NFL’s Philadelphia Eagles actually booed Santa Claus when he appeared during a game in December 1968. The Eagles had experienced a dreadful season that year, finishing with a 2-12 record and conditions at the game were horrible, with cold temperatures, slushy seats, and falling snow. The half-time Christmas Pageant ended with Santa being pelted with snowballs from much of the Philadelphia faithful. I hope they all received coal for Christmas!

Drink #341: Winter is Coming (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

Winter is Coming Shooter

There are, of course, so many other urban legends to do with the Christmas season. So many that I can’t possibly fit them all in. If you’re interested in more, head over to Snopes and browse away to your heart’s content!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
Based off of the catchphrase Winter is Coming from Game of Thrones, I decided to combine my alcohols that had the word “frost” in their title. The Crowberry Frost Liqueur is quite ironic because crows play a large role in the Game of Thrones story and there’s even an entire pack that dresses like the filthy bird. As for taste, it was pretty good. The Perma Frost Liqueur is strong, but not unpleasant and the Crowberry Liqueur adds a touch of sweetness to the shooter.

November 6 – Dubble Bubble

Chewing Good

I recently bought Mrs. Sip a bottle of Bubble Gum Vodka… okay, busted… it was for me, just as much as for her, but in my defense, I’ve never tasted it until making this drink, while Mrs. Sip is a fan of the fun spirit. Here are some other bubble gum facts to be enjoyed with this cocktail:

Gum Riddle

People who spell words like “gross” wrong make ME sick!

People have been chewing gum for over 5,000 years. The product was first made using natural latex (so, like chewing on a condom) and later a synthetic rubber (so, like chewing on a condom!).

Bubble gum was first invented by Walter E. Diemer, an accountant for the Fleer Chewing Gum Company, who was experimenting with new recipes. That’s a diehard accountant for you. This is the product that eventually became Dubble Bubble. The colour pink was chosen because it was the only dye available to Diemer, as well as being his favourite hue. This dude would have done quite well with the ladies, thanks to his dedication to his job and love to the rosy colour.

Sugar-free gum has been shown to reduce cavities and plaque and can actually help patients recovering from abdominal and gastrointestinal surgeries, as it helps with removing obstructions. Gum can also be beneficial with gastro-esophageal reflux disease because people chewing the candy swallow more, which neutralizes the acid on the esophagus. Plus, they’ll also have minty-fresh breath!

Gum Comic

The Guinness World Record for biggest bubble blown is 23 inches, produced by Susan Williams of Fresno, California. Apparently the naughty girl used her hands to hold the massive bubble, as there is also a record for not using supports. Chad Fell produced this record with a 20-inch blow. And yes, I meant for that to sound dirty!

Gum isn’t all good, though, as there are many negative aspects to the products.

Swallowing gum may not reside in your stomach for seven years, as the old urban legend stated, but it can’t be digested and will pass through your system as is. I leave that to your own imagination.

Never Swallow Gum

Also, remember when you were a little sipper and gum was outlawed in elementary school? Well, it was also banned in Singapore in 1983 as the city-state grew tired of the cost of cleaning the sticky substance, as well as the possible dangers the discarded gum presented.

And doesn’t everybody hate getting gum stuck to the bottom of your shoes or reaching beneath a seat or table and touching someone’s discarded gum wad? One study found that 250,000 pieces of gum were stuck to the ground on Oxford Street, in London.

chew-bubble-gum-kick-ass

Other gum facts:

There are two famous bubble gum “art” areas in the United States, where tourists stick a piece of their gum among the millions of pieces fossilized in the region: Bubble Gum Alley in San Luis Obispo, California and the Gum Wall in Seattle, Washington (I’ve seen this one personally and it’s actually pretty gross… not even my bachelor party inebriation could mask my disgust). Somehow, the areas have become tourist attractions and popular stops for wedding photos!

In Africa, gum is sometimes used as a dowry payment for a wife, as opposed to sheep and oxen. It took me two tubs of Dubble Bubble for Mrs. Sip’s father to permit me to marry her… he wanted three, but I bartered him down!

Drink #310: Dubble Bubble

Dubble Bubble Martini

  • 1.5 oz Bubble Gum Vodka
  • Top with Jones Bubble Gum Soda
  • Garnish with Pieces of Gum

What is your favourite bubble gum-related fact? I wish you all the best in your chewing endeavours!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
This martini was in fact a Triple Bubble, thanks to my garnishing of the drink with a spear of Dubble Bubble gum pieces. I offered it to Mrs. Sip and she liked it, being a fan of the Bubble Gum Vodka. She didn’t even know a product like Jones Bubble Gum Soda existed, but that’s part and parcel of my job… bring little known ingredients to the masses attention!

November 4 – Cajun Kiss

Tender Loving Care

Everybody has their own way of expressing love towards family and friends. I’m prone to copying cats and bashing my head against people to let them know of my affection! Here are some other examples of how to share your adoration:

Hongi

When Maori people greet each other (or even non-Maori folk), they lovingly touch their noses and foreheads together in a momentary embrace. If exchanged with an outsider, that person is no longer considered a visitor to the tribe. This action means that individual could be required to assist with tribal needs and that can include anything from tending to crops to even helping the tribe during times of war. Mrs. Sip and I have received this rite of passage and I will come to the defense of the Maori, if I am ever summoned.

porcupine-kisses

Butterfly Kiss

This is the act of fluttering your eyelashes together with your lover, much like a butterflies wings flap. I’ve been led to believe that this type of kiss can be quite romantic, as two lovers stare longingly into each other’s eyes. I’m not a fan of getting eyelashes into my own peepers, so I certainly don’t want to welcome other’s lashes in, either. That said, Mrs. Sip has some tempting, lovely eyes, so perhaps I’ll have to get over my own fears.

Eskimo Kiss

The Inuit are known to rub their nose against a loved one’s faces when greeting one another in an act known as a kunik. A kunik can be done against a family member or friend’s nose, cheek or forehead. It is a misconception to think the Inuit perform this act so they don’t freeze together while sharing a kiss. It is actually done because the people often only have their nose and eyes exposed when outdoors, where they may come across someone they have to greet.

French Kiss

Most people know about the French kiss (the act of locking tongues with your lover in an open mouth embrace), but they don’t know how the term came about. Look no further, as the Sip Advisor has all the answers. Apparently it comes from the French having a reputation for engaging in more sexually adventurous practices and that includes the act of “the lover’s kiss”. You have to imagine that someone would have discovered this kissing variance eventually, though.

hamster-kiss

Spiderman Kiss

The smooch made famous by Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst (or at least their stunt/body doubles). Every time I’ve put myself upside down (and trust me, it happens much more often than Mrs. Sip would ever like) I don’t receive any sugar in response. I thought women got all hot and bothered by that scene in Spiderman. Why do I get such disdain when I’m hanging upside down from ziplines, diving boards, and other inanimate objects?

Hickey/Vampire Kiss

Halloween just passed, but that doesn’t mean you can’t break someone’s skin every now and again with a perfectly planted artery attack! When Mrs. Sip and I were just young teenagers in love (or was it lust), we didn’t do the hickey thing much. Anytime it did happen, we were teased so much by our family and friends that we decided to abandon the neck kissing arts. Nowadays, I think Mrs. Sip sometimes tries to get me marked just to embarrass me… that no-good, sexy she-devil!

Drink #308: Cajun Kiss (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

Cajun Kiss Martini

  • 1 oz Cajun Spiced Rum
  • 0.5 oz Midori
  • 0.5 oz Gin
  • Top with Apple-Lime Juice
  • Garnish with Lime Wheel

Have I missed your favourite style of kissing? Just remember to keep it clean. You never know how many fucking kids read this site!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
This was a very good drink, which we created while experimenting with our new Cajun Spiced Rum. I largely created the recipe, but Mrs. Sip suggested the addition of the Gin and it was the touch that completed the cocktail. The Apple-Lime Juice was its usual spectacular contributor and has really become a go-to mixer for me.