Utah – Bee’s Knees

Each week, the Sip Advisor will alphabetically travel the United States, discovering the best each state has to offer in a variety of subjects. Today, we travel to Utah, home to Mormons and polygamists. While that all sounds… fun, I’m a little hesitant entering the Beehive State, given its no fun reputation, but I’ve made good out of dry situations before:

Motto: “Industry” – Well, if that isn’t the most flowery slogan amongst all the states…

Food: As someone who’s always looking to up my condiment game, I have to give props to Utah for being the birthplace of Fry Sauce. Sometimes called the unofficial state condiment, Fry Sauce is a combination of equal parts mayo and ketchup. It was first introduced at Utah restaurant chain Arctic Circle by chef and founder Don Carlos Edwards.

Drink: Utah has a number of odd laws regarding alcohol service, including putting up Zion Curtains (walls and even some roofs, so patrons aren’t forced to watch a drink being made), fines to establishments for serving drinks to customers before they’ve ordered dinner, low alcohol beers and limited amounts of spirits in cocktails. It’s enough to make the Sip Advisor cry.

Fry Sauce

Site to See: The options are endless in Utah, with five national parks, eight national monuments, two national recreation areas and seven national forests, among other attractions. The many famous rock formations (Rainbow Bridge, Delicate Arch, etc.) in the state need to be seen to be believed. There’s also Four Corners, where Utah, Colorado, New Mexico and Arizona meet.

Street: Highway 12 is among the most scenic routes in the country, designated an All-American Road/National Scenic Byway in 2002. The 122-mile stretch goes through or near the Dixie National Forest (Red Canyon), Bryce Canyon National Park, Grand Staircase-Escalante National Monument (Escalante River) and Capitol Reef National Park.

TV Show: Big Love, starring Bill Paxton, is about the patriarch of a polygamist Mormon family and his many wives and children. The HBO series ran for five seasons and 53 episodes, receiving Emmy and Golden Globe nominations. If you want the reality TV version, there’s the TLC series Sister Wives, although I have to think Big Love might be the more realistic of the two.

Movie: 127 Hours, starring James Franco, tells the real-life story of hiker and climber Aron Ralston, who found himself alone and trapped between a rock and a hard place in Canyonlands National Park. He documents his struggle with a video camera, finally freeing himself by amputating his arm. The film was nominated for Best Picture and Best Actor Oscars.

127 Hours

Book/Author: Edward Abbey’s most notable works are set in Utah, the autobiographical Desert Solitaire, which documented his experiences as a park ranger in Arches National Park, and the fictional The Monkey Wrench Gang, about ecoterrorism in the southwest. Abbey’s celebration of life is something I’d hope for, as he requested: “a flood of beer and booze! Lots of singing, dancing, talking, hollering, laughing, and lovemaking.”

Fictional Character: A favourite character of the Sip Advisor, for our shared effort to lack-of-reward ratio, is Wile E. Coyote. The Looney Tunes creation is said to inhabit the deserts of Utah, constantly coming up short in his pursuit of the Road Runner, despite employing an array of Acme gadgets. Although technically a bad guy, it’s pretty easy to root for Wile E.

Fictional City: Footloose, starring Kevin Bacon, is set in Bomont. The town is said to be located somewhere in the Midwest, with many drawing comparisons to Elmore City, Oklahoma, due to that town’s ban on dancing, similar to the storyline in Footloose. However, the movie was filmed in Utah, with no attempts made to hide that fact, so that’s how I’m settling this category.

Actor/Actress: Roseanne Barr was born in Salt Lake City. The stand-up comedian rose to fame thanks to her popular TV series Roseanne (1988-1997), which followed the lives of the working class Connor family. Barr has also been embroiled in a couple controversies, most recently including a racist tweet that resulted in her being written out of the Roseanne revival.

Wile E Coyote

Song: Utah by The Osmonds is a tribute to the family’s home state, highlighting the fun that can be had there. The music video features the band riding motorcycles through the desert and snowmobiles in the forest. The Beach Boys also made an ode to Utah, with their song Salt Lake City, a place they performed often and where they enjoyed early success and popularity.

Band/Musician: The Osmonds, particularly Donny and Marie, are from Ogden. As a family band, the group consisted of five brothers performing as a barbershop quintet. Donny and Marie later teamed up for duets, while each enjoying solo success. The pair had a popular variety show in the late 1970’s and reunited for a daytime talk show from 1998-2000.

People: Businessman and electrical engineer Nolan Bushnell was born in Clearfield. He co-created Pong, one of the earliest arcade games, and the Atari home video game system. Looking for a way to further capitalize on people playing video games, Bushnell conceived the Chuck E. Cheese restaurant chain, where a young Sip Advisor first enjoyed cheese pizza and arcade classics.

Animal: The Hogle Zoo in Salt Lake City has been home to a number of famous animals, including Princess Alice the Elephant (a frequent escape of the zoo), Shasta the Liger (the first liger born in the U.S.), Gorgeous the Gorilla (once the oldest female gorilla), Dari the Elephant (oldest African elephant ever), and Daphne the Giraffe (once the oldest giraffe).

Chuck E Cheese

Invention: Philo T. Farnsworth, inventor of the TV, was born in Beaver. I’ve enjoyed countless hours of entertainment thanks to Farnsworth, who was inducted into the National Inventors Hall of Fame in 1984, with his other patents leading to the development of radar, baby incubators and telescopes. Another notable Utah invention is the Zamboni ice-resurfacing machine.

Crime: Ted Bundy committed murders across the U.S., including Utah, where the killer was finally caught and incarcerated. Bundy would escape when transferred to Colorado and continue his murderous ways until caught again in Florida and later executed. In Utah, he slayed at a handful of women, while studying at the University of Utah Law School.

Law: In Utah, if a woman commits a crime with her husband present, he is technically responsible. I can see this law resulting in an interesting way for women to get revenge on an unfaithful/abusive husband.

Sports Team: Utah was without a professional sports team until the NBA’s New Orleans Jazz moved to Salt Lake City in 1979. The Jazz have never won a NBA Championship, having only appeared in two consecutive NBA Finals (1997 and 1998), led by superstars Karl Malone and John Stockton, but coming up against the Chicago Bulls dynasty both times.

Philo T Farnsworth

Athlete: NFL quarterback Steve Young was born in Salt Lake City, a great-great-great grandson of Brigham Young, founder of Salt Lake City and first governor of the Utah Territory. Young spent most of his career with the San Francisco 49ers, where he won three Super Bowls and was selected as the league’s MVP in 1992 and 1994. He is a member of the Pro Football Hall of Fame.

Famous Home: Butch Cassidy’s Childhood Home in Circleville may not look like much, but it’s where the legendary outlaw spent the first few years of his life before going on to a career as a notorious train and bank robber. Cassidy, born Robert LeRoy Parker, was the leader of the Wild Bunch gang and his romanticized history has made the log cabin a tourist attraction.

Urban Legend: The 1956 movie The Conqueror, starring John Wayne as Genghis Khan, was filmed in Utah. This included the city of St. George, which was downwind of the Nevada National Security Site, where nuclear testing had occurred. By 1980, 91 of the 220 cast and crew members had been diagnosed with cancer, with 46 deaths. How much their participation in this film was to blame will always remain a question.

Museum: A major event in Utah’s history was hosting the 2002 Winter Olympics, despite the games being marred by bribery scandals involving the organizing committee, as well as figure skating judges. The Salt Lake 2002 Olympic Cauldron Park, found on the campus of the University of Utah until February 2020, provided a remembrance of the competition. The cauldron is being refurbished and relocated.

Olympics

Firsts: The first department store in the U.S. was the Zions Co-operative Mercantile Institution (ZCMI), founded by Brigham Young in Salt Lake City in 1868. The chain even used the slogan “America’s First Department Store” for a time. In December 1999, ZCMI was sold to Macy’s Inc., ending 131 years of operation, although the name continued on in some locations.

Company: Ancestry.com is headquartered in Lehi. The genealogy company is the largest in the world, with 27 billion historical records and 100 million family trees as part of their network. They have even inadvertently aided in solving serious crimes, including the Golden State Killer. Recently, The Blackstone Group announced it was acquiring the company for $4.7 billion.

Events: On May 10, 1869, at promontory Summit, the Wedding of the Rails occurred, which marked the completion of the First Transcontinental Railroad. The last spike, known as the Golden Spike, connected the Central Pacific and Union Pacific Railroad lines. Today, the Golden Spike National Historical Park commemorates this event, including replicas of the two engines from the meet.

Miscellaneous: The Sundance Film Festival, established by actor Robert Redford (who portrayed the Sundance Kid) and others, is held annually in Park City. It has grown to become the largest independent film festival in the country. Countless films, directors and actors have gained notoriety thanks to the festival, which now has spinoffs in London and Hong Kong.

Bee’s Knees

Bee's Knees

  • 2 oz Gin
  • Splash of Lemon Juice
  • Dash of Honey Syrup
  • Garnish with a Lemon Slice

Finding cocktails that originated in Utah was a tough task, given their antiquated views on liquor. Given it’s the Beehive State, I went with this honey-based drink. The recipe is simple enough, so let’s find out if it really is the bee’s knees.

August 9 – Secret of the Ooze

Reptile Rebellion

I’m a huge Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan and have been since the cool dudes with attitudes hit the airwaves in 1987. With the movie reboot that came out last night, it’s time to dedicate some space to turtle power and discuss the greatest reptiles ever. Let the debate begin!

#5: The Fraternity of Crocodiles – Pearls Before Swine

Some of the funniest Pearls Before Swine comics involve the Fraternity of Crocodiles (under their official name of Da Brudderhood of Zeeba Zeeba Eata) trying to get their chompers wrapped around the animals of Albany, California. These crocs really aren’t very bright, but they’re enthusiasm for eating zebras is unrivaled. Their failed attempts at procuring dinner is akin to Wile E. Coyote’s efforts and you find yourself routing for the bad guy to pick up a win.

zeeba_zeeba_eata

#4: Geico Gecko

I love this little mascot, who despite his gentle nature, seems to have a bite to him, as well. He is, after all, the smartest man in the room at high-level Geico meetings and that might be saying something about the insurance industry in general. The Geico Gecko was born out of the 1999 Screen Actors Guild strike, which resulted in the company not being able to use live actors. Kelsey Grammar originally voiced the character, but he has evolved into more of an everyman gecko with a Cockney accent.

#3: Rango

Perfectly cast, with Johnny Depp providing the lizard’s voice, Rango is the tale of a fish-out-of-water chameleon, who becomes sheriff of the desert town of Dirt and uncovers a mystery involving the area’s drinking water. I also have to give Rango props for dealing with the dreaded Rattlesnake Jake, using his brains to defeat the brawny gunslinger. Anytime a slithering snake is defeated, the Sip Advisor is a happy man.

rango-fear-and-loathing

#2: Bowser – Nintendo

One of the greatest video game baddies of all-time, Bowser seems obsessed with Princess Peach to the point that he’s kidnapped her so many times she’s developed a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome and doesn’t mind playing board games and going go-kart racing with the evil lizard king. Bowser even has his family members getting in on the sinful acts and you may defeat them, but the princess will likely be in another castle!

#1: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

You had to know that these four heroes in a half shell would take the top spot. Of course, Michaelangelo is my favourite among the troupe, but each member of the team holds a special place in my heart and brings something different to the table. One of my favourite things about the TMNT franchise is all the different sidekicks and villains that were introduced, from Casey Jones to the Shredder, and all the Bebop’s and Rocksteady’s in between.

Super Saturday Shot Day: Secret of the Ooze (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

Aug 9

  • Rim glass with Candy Sugar
  • 0.5 oz Melon Liqueur
  • 0.5 oz Pisang Ambon
  • Splash of Sour Apple Mix
  • Dash of Lime Cordial

I have to throw some honourable mentions out to Dino (Flintstones), Godzilla, Tick-Tock (Peter Pan), Sir Hiss (Robin Hood), and Reptile (Mortal Kombat). One reptilian that is definitely on the hate list is Barney the Dinosaur… he gives all prehistoric beasts a bad name and should have been slaughtered by the Transformers Dinobots crew.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
I wasn’t really happy with the Mutagen and other Ninja Turtles-themed drinks that already existed (although Drunken Moogle has a neat cocktail that actually uses the toy mutagen canister for its glass), so I built my own shot version, using as many green-coloured products I had in my arsenal. The results were a fruit punch of sorts, including the Lime Cordial Mrs. Sip and I made ourselves. This shooter also provided my first chance to use my new tilted shot glass, which goes perfectly with the theme, in my honest opinion.

March 8 – Pop Quiz

Learning Curve

While I’m happy to be done with school (although it may one day pull me back, kicking and screaming), there are a number of fictional institutes of learning that I haven’t minded attending on a weekly basis. Here are the top five schools of fine learning:

#5: Bayside High School – Saved by the Bell

It seems like the inmates run the asylum at Bayside. Mr. Belding can easily be wrapped around anyone’s finger and the collection of oddball teachers seem to have more fun making friends with their pupils than actually teaching them. Need a break from the stresses of teenage life? Why not hit up The Max for a bite to eat and a respite from the classroom. Upon graduation, you’d could even follow the gang to California University for some post-secondary tutelage.

SBTB

It truly was a perfect world!

#4: Acme Looniversity – Tiny Toon Adventures

I can only imagine the sheer joy (and pain) I’d experience while being taught by my idols; Wile E. Coyote, Sylvester J. Cat, and Yosemite Sam. The course catalogue would be interesting to scan through and might include classes like “Navigating Acme Products”, “Treating Exploding Cigar Injuries” and “Dressing in Drag to Confuse Enemies”. Remember, the teaching staff’s been getting laughs since 1933!

#3: Third Street School – Recess

This school will take you back to your earliest days of learning. To a time of first friends, crushes, and recesses. Recess depicted a time in life when kids don’t have many cares and can just be kids. The only thing to keep in mind is what you’re going to do at break time. Are you going to join an intense game of All the Balls? Perhaps you’ll hit Old Rusty, the jungle gym, for a few good slides. Just pray that you’re not stuck inside on a rain day or suffering through a dreaded detention sentence.

Recess

#2: Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters

Also known as Xavier Institute for Higher Learning, the only pre-requisite you’d have to figure out before attending would be finding your super power. I don’t think fending off hangovers is a talent suitable for a mutant academy, so I’m at a loss for what I could bring to the table. Still, a staff that includes a dude that shoots lasers from his eyes, a woman that can harness the power of weather, and a couple that can read your mind, would make classes very interesting.

#1: Greendale Community College – Community

This would be a truly epic school to attend, so long as every day featured one of the educational institute’s wacky competitions or other shenanigans. From paintball wars to the floor is lava games, each day would bring many unique opportunities. The faculty is a whole other level of insanity from Dean Craig Pelton to instructors such as Señor Ben Chang. Attending Greendale would certainly make your life more exciting, even if your degree wasn’t worth much in the real world.

Super Saturday Shot Day: Pop Quiz (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

Pop Quiz Shooter

  • Rim glass with Pop Rocks
  • 0.5 oz Root Beer Schnapps
  • 0.5 oz Bubble Gum Vodka
  • Splash of Lemonade

There are so many other institutions of learning that could have made this list, from Springfield Elementary (The Simpsons) to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (Harry Potter) and everything in between. Mrs. Sip would probably have loved to attend Breaker High, the school aboard a world-travelling cruise ship (not to mention Ryan Gosling would be a fellow student), while I could see myself excelling at Shiroiwa Junior High School, being shipped off to outlast my classmates Battle Royale style!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I had higher hopes for this original recipe (seven herbs and spices, of course!). It wasn’t bad, but it could have been better. When I think about it, Root Beer Schnapps and Bubble Gum Vodka have similar aftertastes and perhaps the two got lost in each other. Maybe a Bubble Gum Liqueur would have worked better than the Vodka version, but I don’t think that product exists yet.

United States – The Revolver

Living Arrangements

It would be neat if we could find ourselves living in one of the fictional cities we read about or see in movies or on TV. Most of these fictional cities are located across the United States (our next stop on the worldwide liquor express) and here are the places I’d choose to reside if given the option:

South Park – South Park

There always seems to be crazy shit going down in South Park. It has been the epicenter for nearly all the world’s activity since 1997, including attacks by Mecha-Streisand (a mechanized Barbara Streisand), the initiation of same-sex marriage laws, and the battle ground for artists and consumers over illegal downloading, among so much else. Heck, both Jesus and Satan have resided in the small Colorado town, with Jesus even hosting a public access call-in TV show!

South_Park

Duckburg – DuckTales

Hopefully I’d be part of Scrooge McDuck’s inner circle and get to join him, Launchpad McQuack, and the gang on all their jet-setting adventures. If I wound up as one of the Beagle Boys, I don’t think I’d enjoy the experience nearly as much. Perhaps Scrooge and I could go for a dip in his vault and have a coin fight. We’d be the best of friends until I got greedy and stole his lucky dime. Then Flintheart Glomgold  and myself would go on the lam as filthy rich baddies.

Gotham City – Batman

The only thing to decide before settling in Gotham City is whether you’re going to be a hero or a villain. That’s actually a really difficult decision for me. I think I’ve spent too much of my life being a good guy and it might be time for a change… time to do something different and look after number one for a little while. Of course, that means I’ll have to battle Batman, rather than fight beside him, but I’m game. Hopefully I get some hot tail, too, like Harley Quinn, Catwoman, or Poison Ivy!

Springfield – The Simpsons

While there are actual Springfield’s across the United States, it still seems like this version is very much fictional. It probably helps that the state in which the Simpsons et al reside is never fully disclosed. It’s hinted at from time to time, but those hints often change and bury the mystery deeper and deeper. I think I’d be able to find a nice life in Springfield, hanging out at Moe’s Tavern and chowing down at Krusty Burger.

simpsons-springfield

Storybrooke – Once Upon a Time

I’ve actually been to Storybrooke… or at least the town (Steveston) where much of the show’s exterior shots are filmed. It’s only a half hour drive from Mrs. Sip’s and my home and we once upon a time went out that way for dinner and tracked down Mr. Gold’s pawn shop and other landmarks. Through Storybrooke, I could also visit places like Neverland, Wonderland, and the Enchanted Forest. That’s getting into a whole nother can of worms, dealing with fictional realms.

Pawnee – Parks and Recreation

The United States’ fourth most obese city, my svelte body may stick out like a sore thumb, but at least I could work with the Parks and Rec crew (perhaps the only time I’d ever be interested in government work). I’d make sure that Ron Swanson became my mentor and through his tutelage, I could amass a fortune of gold bars and an appreciation for outdoor life, woodwork, and simply being a man’s man.

Pawnee

Any Soap Opera Town – General Hospital, One Life to Live, Young and the Restless, etc.

Who wouldn’t want to live in a town where it seems nobody ever works and all they do is have romantic trysts and get into sticky situations!? Nobody is ever in need of money, unless you’re introduced as a homeless character and you don’t have to feel bad about committing evil acts because months later, you’ll likely redeem yourself and become a good guy, once again. Murderers, rapists, kidnappers, and the like have all become fan favourites in the Soaps.

Toontown – Who Framed Roger Rabbit?

Living as a cartoon character would be pretty sweet. You can never die, no matter how many anvils or pianos are dropped on your head, and you spend most of your day scheming to catch a bird or mouse. If I had to pick the character that best matches my personality, it would probably be Wile E. Coyote, with a sprinkle of Taz. My plans – as elaborate as they may be – never really work out and that drives me to whirlwind fits of rage, despite my good heart!

United States: The Revolver

The Revolver Drink Recipe

  • 2 oz Jim Beam Bourbon
  • 0.5 oz Kahlua
  • Dashes of Orange Bitters
  • Garnish with Orange Zest

Honourable Mentions go to Mayberry (Andy Griffiths Show), Bedrock (The Flintstones), and Sunnydale (Buffy the Vampire Slayer). The last one makes the list only so I can be the one to slay the slayer!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (2.5 Sips out of 5):
I really thought I’d like this cocktail more. Perhaps I went too light on the Orange Bitters. It was a touch too strong on the Bourbon side and I even used Black Cherry and not straight up Jim Beam. I do love what I did with the Orange Zest, so pat on the back for me!

May 14 – Time for a Change?

Politically Declined

To sum up quickly, I hate elections, politicians and basically everything having to do with the political process.

I feel that government doesn’t do very much, what it does accomplish takes way too long to get done, and when it finally gets done, then we go and repeal it anyway. I would never trust a politician further than I could throw them… unless it was hilariously off a cliff Wile E. Coyote style!

swanson-govt

Elections are the worst time of the year. Our news is inundated with one group of politicians going on about stupid things other politicians have done such as riding transit without a ticket or running a red light while taking their son to an early morning hockey practice, all presumably in an attempt to sway voters who won’t bother to actually look up the various parties’ platforms. With a multitude of rainbow signs going up everywhere you look and TV commercials interrupting my programming, I just want to take a three-month nap and avoid the whole scenario. And don’t even get me started on the annoying phone calls and pamphlets.

Perhaps if elections were solved with cage fights, I might be a little more interested. Think about it, you could have a stacked card of death matches and charge people to come and see who “wins” the battle. And all the proceeds would go to fund the “elected” government’s initiatives and programs.

If you look through the history of the world, every important issue has been settled at WrestleMania, so why not continue down this path in the political forum?

Sadly, this is not to be, but it’s something for future generations to keep in mind. Maybe when the polar ice caps eventually melt and we go into a state of martial law, we can revisit my proposal.

politicians

I took a political science course once and I couldn’t stand it. Every class, when the teacher looked like he was wrapping things up and was going to let us free a little earlier, there would always be one jackass who would keep asking questions – queries of a political nature, but having nothing to do with our current lesson – until before you knew it, we had actually run over the class time and would now be fighting each other to exit, Battle Royal style, in order to get to the parking lot.

All that said, today I have to go stand in line to execute my “right” as a free democratic being who enjoys the benefits of not living in a dictatorship, I guess.

dictator

Although, this guy looks like he knows how to party!

Mrs. Sip insists that I vote, even threatening to withhold potato chips and cookies from me. What she doesn’t know is that as soon as I enter the private voting booth, I promptly check off the candidate she dislikes the most, file my ballot, and call it a day!

Drink #134: Time for a Change?

Time For a Change Cocktail

  • Rim glass with Sugar
  • 1.5 oz Black Cherry Bourbon
  • 0.5 oz Cointreau
  • Splash of Lemon Juice
  • Splash of Wildberry Juice
  • Dash of Orange Bitters

Is it really time for a change? I say, who cares. It’s usually not too long before we hate the dude or dudette we all elected. People say if you don’t vote, you have no right to complain about what happens. And really, that’s the only reason the Sip Advisor goes to the polls every year!

elections-candidate

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
This is quite the cocktail to undertake. Sadly, I had to leave the lavender portion of the recipe out, but it wasn’t missed too much. I really enjoy any drink that contains Black Cherry Bourbon and this was no exception. I found it really hard to pick an election-themed cocktail, as most were American-related and well, that’s not where I live. I still love the drink name Obama Slammer, though.

April 9 – Toucan

Angry Advisor

Let’s see: coffee drinkers… check; religious zealots… check; birds… hmmm, haven’t ranted on that yet!

I hate birds. Just downright don’t like them. All they do is poop on people… I should know, their bombs have struck me twice in my life and that’s something you just don’t forget.

Kittypult

Not to mention Mrs. Sip and I currently have a bird infestation on the balcony of our place. When we first moved in, a bird had made a nest on the ground of the balcony and we had a baby pigeon. Not realizing what a mess that would turn out to be, we named it Baby Buster and then ignored the problem for several months. Before we knew it, our balcony became a shelter for the stupid creatures who completely ignored the wooden owl that’s supposed to scare them away. And once again an owl has failed me.

Now, it looks like a war zone of bird crap out there. So much so, that we are afraid to open that sliding door, even on the hottest summer days, fearing that we could be breathing in toxins from these vermin. Stupid birds.

Even birds seem to hate other birds. They seem to fight more than warring homeless people.

gothandhippiebirds

And it’s not just real birds that piss me off. Animated ones draw my ire, too. Tweety: stupid and annoying. The Roadrunner: stupid and annoying. Woody Woodpecker: stupid and annoying. Sorry about that, the adjective generator in my brain was overloaded the other day and the repair guys are supposed to show up sometime between 9am and 5pm today.

To be fair, I respect the poke playing hawks in the new Old Spice deodorant commercial, but that’s only because I fear them as well. Ducks (Donald, Scrooge, Daffy) and penguins (Opus, Chilly Willy, Wheezy) get a pass because they entertain me. And surprisingly, I do love me some Angry Birds (there’s something so satisfying seeing birds get launched into objects and the resulting mass destruction!).

I cheer when Peter Griffin fights the giant angry chicken. I cry every time Tweety and The Roadrunner get the better of Sylvester J. Pussycat and Wile E. Coyote, respectively, and my blood pressure rises every time I’m woken up by the cooing of a filthy bird on my balcony.

In closing, I am taking steps forward in organizing the Anti-Bird Movement (apparently I’m not alone). Our offices will be located in the Swiss Alps, so high in altitude that birds cannot find us and therefore we need not worry about their poop, their weird birdy noises, or their ability to steal French fries. While this drink may have been enjoyable, I’m feel great shame and sadness every time I make a drink that is bird-related. On the plus side, once you slam this cocktail, that’s one less feathered fiend in existence.

Drink #99: Toucan

Toucan Martini Cocktail

  • 1 oz Malibu Rum
  • 1 oz Peach Schnapps
  • Top with half Orange Juice and half Lemon-Lime Soda
  • Garnish with an Orange Slice covered in Coconut Shavings

Tomorrow marks our 100th post here at The Sip Advisor. I hope you’ll join us, as we look back at the first 100 days of this drinking challenge, through wild recipes, insane garnishes and wonderful time spent together.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I may be guilty of kind of screwing this one up. Despite using Orange Juice, I was surprised to see how clear the drink was. After photos and drinking, I realized that I forgot to shake the OJ and that was why it was so clear. It still tasted decent, so I guess the essence of Orange Juice is good for something.

January 22 – Envy

The Green-Eyed Monster

Jealousy…  I’m not too familiar with the feeling myself, but I assume it’s that feeling that other guys get when they see me free lifting my 200 pound weights in the gym, living my rock n’ roll gangsta lifestyle, or busting my sweet gangnam-style moves on the dance floor. 99% of the above may almost certainly be a lie, but since it’s Tequila Week here at The Sip Advisor headquarters, I know all you loyal readers are a bit jealous. To even it up, here’s a small selection of those who earn my envy:

Cookie Monster

Cookie Monster (speaking of monsters)

Imagine being able to eat whatever you want – cookies, plates, even the moon – and not gain a single pound. Seriously, Cookie Monster has been around since 1969 and despite eating whatever he wants, whenever he wants, he still looks the same, even though what he’s stuffed back would have other beings suffering the onset of diabetes or an incredibly gruesome and painful death or something. He may not lose any weight, but maintaining the body status quo would be classified a win for me. I love me some cookies (and chippies for that matter), so being able to eat so indiscernibly (and look cool in so much blue) definitely tops my list of enviable qualities.

Wolverine

Two words: adamantium skeleton. Sure the guy can’t remember who the hell he is or what his past life was, but he’s indestructible. Hell, I often can’t remember who I am or parts of my past life, thanks in large part to the subject matter of this blog. My mind is spinning with the stupid stuff I could get up to if I was immortal. Bungee jumping sans bungee cord, demolition derbies onboard a motorcycle, mixed martial arts fights with dinosaurs… the possibilities are endless, when your mind is as deteriorated as mine.

Garfield

The fat orange cat is allowed to be as surly as he wants and we love him for it. His enviable attitude is something that doesn’t work so well with my wife, however. While I’m not really down with the whole lasagna obsession thing, I can totally get behind the blankie, teddy bear (Pooky), fuzzy slippers and pajamas. And just like Garfield, I would only be nice twice a year, on my own Halloween and Christmas specials. I mean, how could you not be nice at Halloween and Christmas with all the candy, candy, candy and presents, presents, presents!?

Wile E Coyote

Wile E. Coyote

One has to admire Mr. Coyote’s passion and drive in his dogged pursuit of the Roadrunner. If I possessed the same ambition, I’d be able to get this 365-day challenge done in a month (never mind the fact that I may implode like said Coyote in the attempt to do so). I would also love to have the resources Wile E. has at his disposal. His ACME account must be unlimited and if they had an alcohol department, I would be all over that. The one drawback is his constant injuries. One can only fall off a cliff so many times before it would probably get tiresome. My hat is off to you buddy, keep chasing that rainbow and get yourself some sweet, sweet Roadrunner meat!

Inspector Gadget

He may be a bumbling idiot (sounds a little too similar to MY personality profile!), but he’s a respected and accomplished detective. Plus, he gets to travel the world, chasing criminals and use an array of high-tech – well, mostly low-tech umbrellas and such – gadgets (wait!? Is that why he’s called Inspector Gadget? Another of life’s mysteries solved). Perhaps I’d be the one to finally catch Dr. Claw. After all, in my younger days, I was very successful in my hunt for Carmen Sandiego and her band of henchmen. Go-go-gadget 12 inches, am I right, ladies?

Richie Rich

Simply put, the kid had a fully-staffed McDonald’s right inside his own house. We don’t even need to get into the whole gazillionaire, set-for-life kid, B.S. Nope, just McDonald’s… in your house… they would probably even do room service.  I would hold these off-the-chain shindigs with the guys from Epic Meal Time and we’d get completely destroyed on Chicken McNuggets and milkshakes. It would be, well, epic.

So, doing a final tally, if I put all my traits together, like a wonderfully-blended cocktail, I would be invincible; surly, but lovable; driven, with uncapped resources; with my own personal McDonald’s restaurant where I could eat at every day and never gain weight… and let’s not forget about the 12-incher!

Drink #22: Envy

Envy Martini

  • 1.5 oz Tequila (I used Sauza Gold)
  • 1 oz Blue Curacao
  • Top with Pineapple Juice
  • Garnish with Pineapple Wedge and Maraschino Cherry

Who (aside from super me) are you jealous of? Drop me a line and let me know. Perhaps your list will be better… I doubt it though, because I’m pretty awesome! Maybe there will be a list on narcissism in the future!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
I like how this drink came together visually with the Blue Curacao half resting at the bottom of the martini glass and the rest combining with the Pineapple Juice to make a greenish hue, perfect for the Envy moniker. The taste wasn’t half bad either.