July 5 – Too Cool for School

Teacher’s Pet

I have never felt comfortable in a teacher or trainer position and while these folks only play the role on TV and in movies, they do a pretty damn good job of it. I tip my metaphorical hat and give them my full attention. Here are the top five educators in media:

#5: Mr. Feeny – Boy Meets World

Guide and neighbour to the young, impressionable Cory Matthews, Mr. Feeny will always be remembered as the voice of Knight Rider… I mean as the voice of reason when Cory was facing a dilemma at school or in his personal life. As the kids moved from grade school to high school to college, Feeny came along with them, jumping from teacher to administrator to professor to pedo… no, he never went that far. When you really think about it, though, how awful would it be to live next door to your teacher/principal/professor? He’d always know what you were up to and there’d be no separation of school and not school.

What Would Mr. Feeny Do

#4: Mr. Belding – Saved by the Bell

Mr. Belding is the authority figure children of the 80’s most identify with, as a school disciplinarian. His many run-ins with Zack Morris and the gang led to many of our fondest childhood memories and without him, we probably wouldn’t realize that principals actually do have a heart and are, in fact, real people. Belding was not without his faults, though. His relationship with his students bordered on creepy. He had a guy’s night with Zack, Slater and Screech, eating pizza and talking philosophically with the boys in Zack’s bedroom. What kind of absentee parents would allow this to happen under their own roof?

#3: Mr. Garrison – South Park

Mr. Garrison, has gone from Mr. to Mrs. and back to Mr. again. He’s been straight, gay, lesbian and even hat-sexual. While dealing with the potty-mouthed children at South Park Elementary, Garrison is just as likely to be caught cursing up a storm and acting as childishly as his students. His antics have resulted in his being fired or suspended on a few occasions and he seems to suffer from a number of mental health issues. Whether it be Mr. or Mrs. or something completely different, Garrison is one of the funniest recurring characters on the show and being in his classroom would be a very unique experience.

Mr. Garrison

#2: Dean Pelton – Community

Much like Belding, Dean Pelton has an odd affiliation with his student body, particularly that of Jeff Winger, unofficial leader of everyone’s favourite study group. While he just wants to better the image of his school, he goes about it in all the wrong ways, often leading to mass chaos on the campus. For example, end-of-the-year paintball tournaments have turned the community college into a post-apocalyptic warzone. If that is enough to make you want to enrol at the school, which for the Sip Advisor it is, then well done Dean… mission accomplished!

#1: Principal Skinner – The Simpsons

Perhaps the longest running school official and therefore, the most famous on this list, Skinner has a tough job, trying to operate Springfield Elementary on a shoestring budget and dealing with delinquents like Bart Simpson and below-average intelligence pupils, such as Ralph Wiggum. When he’s not challenged by the student body, he has to deal with Superintendent Chalmers breathing down his neck. And did you know that he’s not even the real principal Skinner??? Oh wait, we were supposed to completely forget that ever happened. My bad.

Super Saturday Shot Day: Too Cool for School

Too Cool for School Shot

  • Rim glass with Coconut Shavings
  • 0.3 oz Coconut Rum
  • 0.3 oz Mango Rum
  • 0.3 oz Blue Curacao
  • 0.3 oz Orange Juice
  • 0.3 oz Pineapple Juice

Honourable mentions include Gabe Kotter (Welcome Back Kotter), Peggy Hill (King of the Hill), and anything Ben Stein does (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off/The Wonder Years). I only include them so as to avoid the omnipotent threat of detention!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
Yet another cocktail I had to convert into a shot for my own purposes… what is this world coming to!? The shot was heavy with tropical juices, but it was nice to have the Mango and Coconut Rums come in with the aftertaste. This shooter provided my first opportunity to use the Bols Blue Curacao foam I picked up in Europe and I think I’ll have a lot of fun playing with this neat product in the future!

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March 8 – Pop Quiz

Learning Curve

While I’m happy to be done with school (although it may one day pull me back, kicking and screaming), there are a number of fictional institutes of learning that I haven’t minded attending on a weekly basis. Here are the top five schools of fine learning:

#5: Bayside High School – Saved by the Bell

It seems like the inmates run the asylum at Bayside. Mr. Belding can easily be wrapped around anyone’s finger and the collection of oddball teachers seem to have more fun making friends with their pupils than actually teaching them. Need a break from the stresses of teenage life? Why not hit up The Max for a bite to eat and a respite from the classroom. Upon graduation, you’d could even follow the gang to California University for some post-secondary tutelage.

SBTB

It truly was a perfect world!

#4: Acme Looniversity – Tiny Toon Adventures

I can only imagine the sheer joy (and pain) I’d experience while being taught by my idols; Wile E. Coyote, Sylvester J. Cat, and Yosemite Sam. The course catalogue would be interesting to scan through and might include classes like “Navigating Acme Products”, “Treating Exploding Cigar Injuries” and “Dressing in Drag to Confuse Enemies”. Remember, the teaching staff’s been getting laughs since 1933!

#3: Third Street School – Recess

This school will take you back to your earliest days of learning. To a time of first friends, crushes, and recesses. Recess depicted a time in life when kids don’t have many cares and can just be kids. The only thing to keep in mind is what you’re going to do at break time. Are you going to join an intense game of All the Balls? Perhaps you’ll hit Old Rusty, the jungle gym, for a few good slides. Just pray that you’re not stuck inside on a rain day or suffering through a dreaded detention sentence.

Recess

#2: Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters

Also known as Xavier Institute for Higher Learning, the only pre-requisite you’d have to figure out before attending would be finding your super power. I don’t think fending off hangovers is a talent suitable for a mutant academy, so I’m at a loss for what I could bring to the table. Still, a staff that includes a dude that shoots lasers from his eyes, a woman that can harness the power of weather, and a couple that can read your mind, would make classes very interesting.

#1: Greendale Community College – Community

This would be a truly epic school to attend, so long as every day featured one of the educational institute’s wacky competitions or other shenanigans. From paintball wars to the floor is lava games, each day would bring many unique opportunities. The faculty is a whole other level of insanity from Dean Craig Pelton to instructors such as Señor Ben Chang. Attending Greendale would certainly make your life more exciting, even if your degree wasn’t worth much in the real world.

Super Saturday Shot Day: Pop Quiz (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

Pop Quiz Shooter

  • Rim glass with Pop Rocks
  • 0.5 oz Root Beer Schnapps
  • 0.5 oz Bubble Gum Vodka
  • Splash of Lemonade

There are so many other institutions of learning that could have made this list, from Springfield Elementary (The Simpsons) to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (Harry Potter) and everything in between. Mrs. Sip would probably have loved to attend Breaker High, the school aboard a world-travelling cruise ship (not to mention Ryan Gosling would be a fellow student), while I could see myself excelling at Shiroiwa Junior High School, being shipped off to outlast my classmates Battle Royale style!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I had higher hopes for this original recipe (seven herbs and spices, of course!). It wasn’t bad, but it could have been better. When I think about it, Root Beer Schnapps and Bubble Gum Vodka have similar aftertastes and perhaps the two got lost in each other. Maybe a Bubble Gum Liqueur would have worked better than the Vodka version, but I don’t think that product exists yet.

May 6 – Spiritual Enlightenment

Spiritually Speaking

Once you read through my list of spirit guides – those that I dub the Sinister Seven – you may notice some themes and common threads. This is what makes the Sip Advisor the man he is today: a Canadian icon and treasure!

Master Shake – Aqua Teen Hunger Force

The only thing Master Shake cares about is having fun. Sadly, the anthropomorphised drink container doesn’t have the necessary funds to accomplish most of his desires and thus has to settle for pleasures within his means, like swimming in neighbor Carl’s filthy pool. His lack of riches doesn’t stop him from arrogantly boasting about various skills he thinks he possesses, so you gotta give him props for believing in himself.
When to summon: When it’s party time, obviously!

Master Shake

Jeff Winger – Community

Mr. Winger was able to fake an entire law career for years, until he was busted by a competing colleague. As the husband of a lawyer, I know that this surely was no easy task and full credit has to be given to someone who exuded so much confidence and intelligence to pull the rouse off.
When to summon: In situations when massive amounts of swagger will put you over the edge.

Roger Smith – American Dad

Roger is a self-described “advanced drinker” and as all you little sippers have learned over our past few months together, no moniker has ever fit this Sip Advisor better than that. While I’ll leave the disguises and alter egos to my alien friend, I do like Roger’s penchant for stirring the pot and getting into (and out of) sticky situations. Might as well have some fun while we’re here on earth!
When to summon: Anytime liquor is being cracked open for mass consumption.

Sterling Archer – Archer

Your Sip Advisor may not be a secret agent, but he does share many traits with one of the best in the business. First and foremost, our complete and utter misunderstanding of “core concepts” has bonded us for eternity. Next comes our love, appreciation, and total devotion to sweet lady liquor. Archer is afraid to quit drinking cold turkey because of the massive hangover he feels has accumulated and is now pending should he ever quit. I’ve never been able to put those same thoughts into words before.
When to summon: When the skills and touch of a secret agent are necessary, like bedding numerous females in a single mission.

Archer

Zack Morris – Saved by the Bell

Zack had all the right moves to accomplish everything from ditching detention to winning the heart of Kelly Kapowski. Usually with the help of friend and resident nerd Screech, Zack got up to so much mischief during his formative years that the principal’s office was a second home to him.
When to summon: In any situation that harkens back to your days as a teenager and high school student… or at least any time your cell phone is as big as your forearm.

Daniel Tosh – Tosh.0

No topic is off limits for Daniel Tosh and he isn’t concerned whether or not he’s crossing a line and offending anyone. People nowadays can be way too cautious, afraid anything they say or do may set off a cluster bomb of hysteria and backlash against them. The safe and easier road more travelled is not for this comedian.
When to summon: In moments where freedom of speech is the only right you really have left anymore.

Bucky Katt – Get Fuzzy

Bucky is always scheming and thinking up his next big idea and opportunity to grift his roommates – human Rob Wilco and dog Satchel Pooch – out of some cash. He has tried everything from a line of clothing, to merging two popular products together into one, to even writing his own poetry. That’s a pretty good resume for someone that sleeps 20 hours each day.
When to summon: When the entrepreneurial spirit hits you and you feel like hitting back… or when you feel that you just need a good nap.

Drink #126: Spiritual Enlightenment

Spiritual Enlightenment Cockttail

  • 1 oz Crème de Cacao
  • 1 oz Peppermint Schnapps
  • 1 oz Grand Marnier
  • Garnish with Spearmint Life-Saver

Who do you, my little sippers, summon when you are in need of a spirit check? If anyone takes the time to summon me, just please know that I am not available between the hours of 12:01am-11:59pm… that’s my time. I am available on a per crisis basis right around midnight each night, so please feel free to hit me up if you are in need!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (2.5 Sips out of 5):
This cocktail restored my faith in Crème de Menthe, as this drink wasn’t half bad… it wasn’t half good either, so I settled at a 2.5. Mrs. Sip thought it tasted like an After Eight chocolate and would have rated it a bit higher but I felt that the Grand Marnier is completely wasted in this drink. Plus, if the cocktail’s creator had been a clever, it would have been called Spiritual EnlightenMINT instead!