July 5 – Too Cool for School

Teacher’s Pet

I have never felt comfortable in a teacher or trainer position and while these folks only play the role on TV and in movies, they do a pretty damn good job of it. I tip my metaphorical hat and give them my full attention. Here are the top five educators in media:

#5: Mr. Feeny – Boy Meets World

Guide and neighbour to the young, impressionable Cory Matthews, Mr. Feeny will always be remembered as the voice of Knight Rider… I mean as the voice of reason when Cory was facing a dilemma at school or in his personal life. As the kids moved from grade school to high school to college, Feeny came along with them, jumping from teacher to administrator to professor to pedo… no, he never went that far. When you really think about it, though, how awful would it be to live next door to your teacher/principal/professor? He’d always know what you were up to and there’d be no separation of school and not school.

What Would Mr. Feeny Do

#4: Mr. Belding – Saved by the Bell

Mr. Belding is the authority figure children of the 80’s most identify with, as a school disciplinarian. His many run-ins with Zack Morris and the gang led to many of our fondest childhood memories and without him, we probably wouldn’t realize that principals actually do have a heart and are, in fact, real people. Belding was not without his faults, though. His relationship with his students bordered on creepy. He had a guy’s night with Zack, Slater and Screech, eating pizza and talking philosophically with the boys in Zack’s bedroom. What kind of absentee parents would allow this to happen under their own roof?

#3: Mr. Garrison – South Park

Mr. Garrison, has gone from Mr. to Mrs. and back to Mr. again. He’s been straight, gay, lesbian and even hat-sexual. While dealing with the potty-mouthed children at South Park Elementary, Garrison is just as likely to be caught cursing up a storm and acting as childishly as his students. His antics have resulted in his being fired or suspended on a few occasions and he seems to suffer from a number of mental health issues. Whether it be Mr. or Mrs. or something completely different, Garrison is one of the funniest recurring characters on the show and being in his classroom would be a very unique experience.

Mr. Garrison

#2: Dean Pelton – Community

Much like Belding, Dean Pelton has an odd affiliation with his student body, particularly that of Jeff Winger, unofficial leader of everyone’s favourite study group. While he just wants to better the image of his school, he goes about it in all the wrong ways, often leading to mass chaos on the campus. For example, end-of-the-year paintball tournaments have turned the community college into a post-apocalyptic warzone. If that is enough to make you want to enrol at the school, which for the Sip Advisor it is, then well done Dean… mission accomplished!

#1: Principal Skinner – The Simpsons

Perhaps the longest running school official and therefore, the most famous on this list, Skinner has a tough job, trying to operate Springfield Elementary on a shoestring budget and dealing with delinquents like Bart Simpson and below-average intelligence pupils, such as Ralph Wiggum. When he’s not challenged by the student body, he has to deal with Superintendent Chalmers breathing down his neck. And did you know that he’s not even the real principal Skinner??? Oh wait, we were supposed to completely forget that ever happened. My bad.

Super Saturday Shot Day: Too Cool for School

Too Cool for School Shot

  • Rim glass with Coconut Shavings
  • 0.3 oz Coconut Rum
  • 0.3 oz Mango Rum
  • 0.3 oz Blue Curacao
  • 0.3 oz Orange Juice
  • 0.3 oz Pineapple Juice

Honourable mentions include Gabe Kotter (Welcome Back Kotter), Peggy Hill (King of the Hill), and anything Ben Stein does (Ferris Bueller’s Day Off/The Wonder Years). I only include them so as to avoid the omnipotent threat of detention!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
Yet another cocktail I had to convert into a shot for my own purposes… what is this world coming to!? The shot was heavy with tropical juices, but it was nice to have the Mango and Coconut Rums come in with the aftertaste. This shooter provided my first opportunity to use the Bols Blue Curacao foam I picked up in Europe and I think I’ll have a lot of fun playing with this neat product in the future!

April 18 – Golden Cadillac

Carmageddon

I’ve never been a big car nut. Hell, the instant someone starts talking to me about engines, makes and models, or brake pads in need of replacement… well, that’s when the ol’ mind drifts more than a suped-up Tokyo racer. That said, there are a number of vehicles I wouldn’t mind taking a spin in. Drivers, start your engines!

Mystery Machine – Scooby-Doo

Granted, today it looks more like a van where either smokeouts or rapes would occur, but the Mystery Machine is a pretty fine vehicle. I could join the entire gang as we traipse across the world and solve mysteries, getting paid with food and lodging. I would certainly rival Freddy for best ascot and perhaps Shaggy and Scooby could teach me how to stuff an entire 40-layer sandwich into my mouth in one gulp.

Mystery-Machine

Pope-mobile

My only wish for riding in the Pope-mobile is that someone would make an assassination attempt on my life and then I could laugh at them through the bulletproof glass. Why someone would have a beef with The Sip Advisor will forever be an unsolved mystery. Perhaps they are a time traveler from the Prohibition Era and they realize I am the reason the whole concept never worked out. Bring it on, you anti-alcoholite.

Batmobile – Batman

I don’t know what would be more exciting: riding in the Batmobile with Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson, or getting access to the super-secret Batcave. If those bastards blindfold me before taking me there (and it’s not for anything kinky), I will be super pissed. The second we spot that bat signal, we roll and I only pray that the villain for our selected adventure is one of the hotties, like Catwoman, Poison Ivy or Harley Quinn!

General Lee – Dukes of Hazzard

Really the only thing anyone wants to do in the General Lee is slide through the open window into a seat and go off some crazy dirt road jump. Aside from that, who would ever want to live in Hazzard County with the nefarious Boss Hogg and his lackey Rosco P. Coltrane? Unless you’re looking to settle down with Daisy Duke and get her out of those cutoffs, then it’s just not worth the hassle.

batmobile

DeLorean – Back to the Future

Doc Brown, Marty McFly, and I would have made an amazing trio, revving up to 88 miles per hour and seeing where the DeLorean takes us for our next adventure. It would be a foregone conclusion that I would somehow find a way to make myself never born. I feel that would make me invisible and that way I could go around and spy on Mrs. Sip undetected. I could then perform hilarious antics like hide her contact solution and eat her freshly-baked cookies.

K.I.T.T. – Knight Rider

I’ve been on too many late night, lonely drives to count and it would have been nice on these journeys to have someone – or more aptly something – to converse with. A talking car is just the beginning of what K.I.T.T. (Knight Industries Three Thousand) has to offer drivers. All those fun buttons to push would keep me entertained four hours, like a never-ending sheet of bubble wrap. Plus you get to hang out with David Hasselhoff… not too shabby!

Ecto-1 – Ghostbusters

Imagine hauling ass, in the Ecto-1, to the site of a ghostly disturbance with your proton packs charged at the ready and the thrill of being a member of the Ghostbusters team. Yeah, The Sip Advisor, Egon, Ray, Peter and Winston… has a nice ring to it, don’t you think!? I wonder if Slimer is as cool behind the scenes as he seems in front of the camera. I ain’t fraid of no ghost!

Ecto1

A-Team Van – The A-Team

Riding shotgun with B.A. Barracus and the gang, in the A-Team van, would be pretty sweet. I don’t think I’d bring much to the A-Team, but perhaps I could be their manager or something – setting up an A-Team website and organizing their bookings – letting Hannibal concentrate on strategy for taking down the bad guys.

Ferrari – Magnum P.I.

I’m an associate of Robin Masters, much like my boy Thomas Magnum. As an acquaintance, I have been given access to all of Mr. Masters’ toys, including the Ferrari. Together, Magnum and I would work the Hawaiian Islands, helping those who have found themselves in trouble and landing countless babes with our wild moustaches and overgrown chest hair.

Drink #108: Golden Cadillac

Golden Cadillac Cocktail

  • 2 oz Galliano
  • 1 oz Crème de Cacao
  • Top with Milk
  • Garnish with a Kit Kat Stick

My only requirement with all of these vehicles is that their respective theme songs be pumping on a continuous loop whenever we go for an outing. What track would be blasted in the Pope-mobile? Well, Hell’s Bells by AC/DC, of course!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
A very tasty drink indeed! Perfect for dessert, the Milk-based cocktail is delicious and the Kit Kat Stir Stick was the much-needed final touch to take the cocktail up a few notches.