May 23 – Orange Tundra

Posted on May 23, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Vodka Not-To-Playlist

I was looking forward to doing my monthly playlist based on the alcohol of the week, but that enthusiasm was quickly dashed when I could only dig up a few vodka-related songs. Worse yet, I have an inkling that all these tunes will suck harder than a black hole. Shall we have a listen together, for the first ever, in the long history of music, Not-To-Playlist?

VODKA by Korpilklaani

This Euro metal band also has songs about tequila and beer. I can’t understand a word they’re saying and I think that’s only partly because they’re not speaking English. Well, I do understand one word and that would be “vodka”, which they repeat often. The tune isn’t too bad, all things considered and the accordion addition is an interesting touch. Clearly these guy like to drink and I’m down with that.

The Vodka Song by Seamus Moore

I guess you’d call this a folk song!? I have no clue. Again, the song is okay, but I almost long for the days of songs in languages I couldn’t understand… like the one above. Also, why is an Irish dude singing about vodka. Shouldn’t he be concentrating on the Irish traditions of whiskey and stout beer?

Black Vodka by Ja Rule

Oh good, this is the “album version“… I guess that means that it’s better??? If this is a better version of the song, I hope they destroyed all the copies of any other takes of the track. Wow, this tune goes on for five whole minutes. That’s five whole minutes I’ll never get back. Eh, I probably would have wasted the time anyway watching infomercials or opening junk mail.

Drink #143: Orange Tundra

1.5 oz Vodka (I used Bols)
0.5 oz Kahlua
Top with half Cream Soda and half Orange Juice
Garnish with Orange Wedge

A key note for this cocktail is to not stir any of the ingredients, which results in the awesome look you see above. If anyone out there in Sip Nation can find a GOOD vodka song I wasn’t able to, please pass it along so that future generations will have something to jam to while getting their vodka blitz on!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
This drink was a pleasure to the taste buds and eyes. The Orange Tundra features the coming together of a bunch of different flavours – Kahlua, Cream Soda, Orange Juice – that tastes good and looks great. There was a party in my mouth and everyone was invited!

May 22 – Greyhound

Posted on May 22, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

The Great Debate

Gin and vodka have long waged a war over liquor supremacy. For example, many arguments have taken place over whether a true martini should be made with gin or vodka. Years ago, vodka surpassed gin and when it did so, a number of cocktails that used to feature the juniper tasting alcohol began a metamorphosis, which included a new name. Today we look at gin names vs. vodka names and I play god and decide which one is better.

The battle often wages within the same company…

Salty Dog (Gin) vs. Greyhound (Vodka) – Winner: Greyhound

For some reason I’m perturbed by the name Salty Dog. I have no clue where this aversion lies within me, but I just don’t like the name. It’s a drink I was planning to make for Gin Week last month, but when I discovered that there was a vodka version with a more palatable name (to me at least… and I’m calling the shots), I made some edits to my calendar. And that brings us to today!

Martini (Gin) vs. Kangaroo (Vodka) – Winner: Martini

I do love me some barbecued kangaroo, but I’m afraid that’s not enough to sway this judge. I gotta go with the original Martini in this case. Many alcohol lovers will tell you that if it’s not made of gin and vermouth, it’s just not a Martini, no matter what kind of glass you serve it in. While I don’t completely agree with this line of logic, I do respect their opinion. After all, I already have enough enemies as it is.

The Gin Army

Ruddy Mary (Gin) vs. Bloody Mary (Vodka) – Winner: Bloody Mary

This one isn’t even close, as you have a classic cocktail matched up against a relatively unknown drink. That said, I would like to try the gin version of the libation and see how it compares to the vodka option. I wonder how it might have changed my perception of the Bakon Bloody Mary I made last month, although we would have tragically lost the bacon essence with the removal of Bakon Vodka.

Negroni (Gin) vs. Negroski (Vodka) – Winner: Draw

This one was tough to judge. On one hand, you have the famous drink, Negroni, but on the other hand, when vodka is substituted, you have a pretty cool name in Negroski. In a rare Sip Advisor move, I decided to call it a draw. I know, having no outcome is like kissing your sister – or at least that’s how the sports pundits always put it. Tell ya what, I’ll flip a coin… if only I could find one.

The Vodka Troops

Tom Collins (Gin) vs. Vodka Collins (Vodka) – Winner: Tom Collins

Much like the Bloody vs. Ruddy Mary, this one took little time to make a decision. The Tom Collins is one of my favourite drinks and I can’t even fathom changing up the way I make them (see Cool Collins). Looking back, I guess I changed the name and recipe, too. Well, now my entire world is upside down. Thankfully, I’ve always been skilled at standing on my head. And we just keep on rolling.

Gin & Tonic (Gin) vs. Vodka Tonic (Vodka) – Winner: Neither

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: I don’t much care for Tonic Water. Therefore, both competitors have been disqualified and given lifetime bans from the sport.

Gin & Juice (Gin) vs. Screwdriver (Vodka) – Winner: Gin & Juice

While I’ve always been a fan of good drink names and the Screwdriver is among my favourites, I feel if I didn’t pick Gin & Juice, that Snoop Dogg would put a hit out on your national hero, the Sip Advisor. While I maintain that I ain’t ‘fraid of no ghosts, I am deathly scared of gats and I therefore settle the case in favour of Mr. Dogg. His drink also comes with a sweet song, so there’s that little caveat.

Drink #142: Greyhound

Rim glass with Salt
1.5 oz Vodka (I used Pinnacle Citrus)
Top with Grapefruit Juice
Garnish with Lemon and Lime Wedges

It’s incredible that gin and vodka can be so interchangeable, despite their very different tastes. Perhaps we should all just call a truce between the two alcohols, drink a Vesper (which combines both gin and vodka) and declare this the best summer of love EVER! Then again, the Vesper features three parts gin to one part vodka… this feud will never be over…

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I was looking forward to trying this drink, despite not being a fan of Grapefruit Juice. I’ve always liked salted rims, so that probably helped in my enjoyment of the cocktail and as I figured, all the ingredients came together to make a nice mix.

May 21 – Prickly Pear

Posted on May 21, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Vodkommercialization

There are some great vodka ads out there. Whether in print, video, or hell, even the dead art of radio, the liquor is well represented and here are some of the best examples I was able to find (in photos only):

Mrs. Sip and I both really enjoy this Van Gogh Vodka ad campaign. My particular favourite is the one about women not getting their panties in a bunch because they’re rocking it commando style! The company makes a very valid point with this ad and I believe that all us gentlemen should support such a cause. Perhaps we should even host charity functions to get the message out.

And some of us have too many vices to list! One of them is in the above ad… good lord I love typography! While I haven’t heard of this vodka brand before, this message will remain with me until it’s pushed out of my mind by other useless junk and I will keep my eyes open for it until then. If it comes with one of those blindfold thingies, it may make the perfect night out combo!

Yeah, I would definitely have a drink with me. I would also certainly have a drink with Hugh Hefner. You could ask him to divulge the secret of how he’s been so awesome for so long. I mean, the guy was dating three young, hot women at the same time. I can barely handle one lady and this octogenarian was keeping up with three girls that could have been his great granddaughters.

It’s a little hard to read, but the text next to the woman says “Nothing warms me up like Effen by the fire.” I’ve seen some losers post complaints about the name of this vodka. I personally think it’s clever. It will definitely stick with you as you try to choose one brand from the many that are available. Plus it provides an almost unending number of advertising possibilities, like the ones seen above.

These ladies and I practiced ‘O’ faces all night long until we finally had it right. Three Olives has so many crazy flavours and they have ads similar to the ones above for each concoction. There’s even one that features a dude… hey, I’m all for equal opportunity. But who really wants to see a guy’s ‘O’ face? Let’s face it, we don’t pull it off as well as the ladies. Why do you think we’re usually the ones behind the camera!

Drink #141: Prickly Pear

1.5 oz Pear Vodka (I used Absolut)
0.5 oz Triple Sec
0.5 oz Blue Curacao
Top with Pineapple Juice
Splash of Sweet & Sour Mix
Garnish with Pear Slice

I really enjoyed this look at vodka advertisements and I hope all you little sippers did, too. In the future, I hope to design my own vodka and with it, a series of commercials that feature inanimate objects being attracted to the libation. Just wait until I release the storyboards… it’s going to be a doozy!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
The pear is certainly not near the top of my favourite fruit list, but I was intrigued by Pear Vodka and this drink was decent. However, there are a lot of different flavours competing for your attention, drowning each other out, which isn’t how I like my drinks.

May 20 – Sex on the Beach

Posted on May 20, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Making Whoopee

I certainly don’t advocate getting freaky along the shoreline. What with all that sand that could wind up literally anywhere. I don’t even like sand getting in between my toes, so I would abhor the substance being wedged betwixt my buttocks. While I’d like to think that any setting provides a good opportunity for doing the down and dirty, here are some other places you might want to avoid:

Airplane Bathroom

Getting two people crammed into this very tight space would be a modern miracle. Then, putting up with the stench the last guy left for you long enough to finish your business would be a performance of Iron Man proportions. I know that a lot of folks want to join the “Mile High Club”, but is it really worth all the coordination and effort. My advice is to keep it on the ground, unless you’re ever financially set enough to have your own private plane. In that case, go nuts… literally!

Theme Park Ride

Perhaps this was more achievable many years ago when cameras weren’t everywhere and security was more lax. Today, you never really know where people are located on rides, hidden in the darkness and making sure riders follow all the rules. I remember being on Splash Mountain once and I had the double-wide backseat to myself with Mrs. Sip in front. Just before the big drop she tried to slide back to sit with me (not to do anything sensual, but just because it’s fun to sit together heading into the briar patch), until some dude emerged from the shadows, scaring the bejesus out of both of us. Mrs. Sip promptly returned to her assigned spot and as soon as we finished the attraction, we got the eff out of dodge.

Forest

Unless you want to go home with sap and pine needles pasted all over your body (similar to stripper pasties, but tougher to remove… as if I have comprehensive knowledge of the devices), the forest may not be the best place to find an intimate moment. Sure it provides the two elements that the above entries lack – privacy and spaciousness – but it’s not the cleanliest of settings. If you thrive on getting dirty, in all manner and senses, then go wild!

Dance Floor

I know with all the raunchy bumpin’ and grindin’ that occurs at the clubs nowadays, it’s hard not getting all hot and bothered. I can remember many times (and I am far from a clubbing regular) where a guy and a girl were getting really physical with each other, likely thinking everybody was doing their own thing and not paying them attention. On the contrary, every single person on the dance floor stopped en masse and was watching this exhibit of primal passion. Might as well give them a golf clap for their efforts.

Body of Water

Surely, someone will die during your exploits in the H2O. Whether it is from drowning or the always hilarious going over a waterfall, one or both of you are not going to have a very good time. With questions regarding the purity of nearly every body of water on earth today, is that really something you want to be trifling in. Remember, that’s where fishies pee!

Playground

Talk about rockin’ out teeter-totter style! The problem with a playground is that there’s too many apparatus options, all of which carry a high degree of risk and injury. You could go down the slide together, but one of you would surely topple over the other. You could try the swings, but one or both of you will be compelled to jump into the rough gravel below. Finally, there’s the fire pole, but that will just ruin all of your memories of the classic Batman live action show, not to mention some kind of chaffing with all that exposed skin.

Drink #140: Sex on the Beach

1.5 oz Vodka (I used Smirnoff Blueberry)
1 oz Peach Schnapps
Top with half Orange Juice and half Cranberry Juice
Garnish with a Mandarin Orange Slice

I like that the mocktail versions of this drink can be referred to as Safe Sex on the Beach, Dry Humping on the Beach, or Virgins on the Beach. Perhaps this is the only way to safely traverse through the world of sexual discovery… but you won’t have nearly as much fun!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I like the Peach Schnapps taste, despite not being a peach fruit fan. This was a very enjoyable martini that would be awesome poolside or, as the drink advises, on the beach! I regret not putting a cocktail umbrella into the drink as that would be a perfect finishing touch.

May 19 – Kamikaze

Posted on May 19, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Voducation

It’s the start of Vodka Week here at The Sip and as we’ve done in the past, day one is all about educating ourselves. I will play the role of teacher and as per usual, you my little sippers will be my eager pupils, taking in the breadth of my knowledge (or at least what I could scour from the internet). There will be a test at the end, so please pay attention. Ah, what do I care, let’s go through the motions of the lesson plan and get drunk!

Northern, Eastern and Central Europe – Russia, Poland, Ukraine, Belarus, Scandinavian countries, Latvia, Lithuania, etc. – is known as the Vodka Belt because these countries are the historic home of the spirit as well as the area where it is most consumed worldwide. Sure beats living in America’s Bible Belt! Imagine you could actually have a belt that was filled with vodka and had an extendable straw you could pull out to access the alcohol… I call dibs on the franchising rights. Lucky for me, I’m on my way to many of these countries at the moment during a Scandinavian cruise! (I see lots of vodka in my foreseeable future!)

Vodka gets its name from the Russian word ‘voda’, which translates to mean water. I have it on good authority that Russians actually drink vodka like IT IS water and are practically raised on the stuff. That’s pretty badass, as they’re running around with mickeys as bottles, while us North Americans are deciding how much Nesquik to put in our milk.

Vodka is considered to be the purest alcohol in the world thanks to its distillation process and lack of fusel oils.

While vodka can be blamed for too numerous injuries and deaths to count, the libation can also have many positive medical effects. It is known to keep arteries strong and clear, while also keeping drinkers cholesterol down. It can also be used to heal cold sores and fever and stave off strokes, heart attacks and Alzheimer’s Disease.

Before 1885, vodka was only sold in buckets of12.3 litres at a time. You could bathe in that much booze and apparently in Poland they did, as vodka was originally scented and used as after shave. Could this be why Mrs. Sip’s legs smell so good? She is part Polish, after all!

Vodka has a ton of other uses, such as being a disinfectant that is strong enough to clean bathrooms. I find this to be a two-fold problem. First, who has the money to overpay on cleaning products and second, that’s just a lot of wasted liquor. In a pinch, though, if you have company coming over and have used your entire budget on entertainment goods, I guess you could pull off the clean sweep using vodka. As early as the 15th century, the liquor was even used in gunpowder manufacturing by Sweden.

There are actually Vodka museums in St. Petersburg, Moscow, Stockholm, and Amsterdam.

Today, nearly anything you can think of has been turned into a flavoured vodka. There’s bacon, smoked salmon, Froot Loop, cupcake, marshmallow, and the list is endless. Companies like Smirnoff, Absolut, Three Olives, and Pinnacle have the flavoured vodka market cornered, but even top shelf spirits like Grey Goose and Van Gogh have delved into the exotic vodka flavours.

Drink #139: Kamikaze

1.5 oz Vodka (I used Pinnacle Cherry Lemonade)
1 oz Triple Sec
Splash of Lime Juice
Garnish with a Lime Wheel

So, let’s get into our best Vodka Belt mood and party ‘til the sun comes up! And what if it’s that time of year where the sun never comes up, you ask? Then you better have some longevity when it comes to your boozing!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I like that this is a vodka version of a margarita. I took the shot recipe and turned it into a delicious, refreshing drink, perfect for summer. The Cherry Lemonade Vodka was a nice touch, with Cherry flavour coming through in the aftertaste.

May 18 – Alien Piss

Posted on May 18, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Alien-Nation

In reality, we are all “aliens” to someone else. However, the following characters are completely out of this world. If life really exists “out there”, I only hope that these beings are similar to the entries that I’ve compiled below. That would make for some very interesting extra-terrestrial visitors and hopefully a few folks to share some drinks with!

Mork – Mork & Mindy

Only the high-intensity comedic stylings of Robin Williams could make this character really work. It probably helped that he was pretty coked up during this portion of his life. I mean, standing on your head when asked to take a seat (which is how Williams landed the gig on the spot)… how crazy is that! You also have to remember Mork for the catchphrases he created, including the greeting “Na-Nu, Na-Nu” and the curse word “Shazbot”.

Roger Smith – American Dad

One of my favourite characters of all time! Roger is a booze consuming, costume wearing, mayhem causing, intergalactic traveler. Did I mention that he drinks a lot? He puts us all to shame with the copious amounts of liquor he can throw back. I guess aliens just know how to party better than we do and maybe we should be learning from them, rather than the other way around.

Dr. Zoidberg – Futurama

There are so many characters I could choose from the futuristic series (Kif, Nibbler, etc.), but I’ll settle for poor Dr. Zoidberg. Sadly, nobody really gets the big fellow and it’s a recurring joke about how disliked the good doctor is. Zoidberg is really a gentle soul… at least until he returns to his home planet, where he becomes embroiled in the mating battle of his species and nearly kills colleague Philip J. Fry in the frenzied process.

Alf – Alf

You little sippers out there know that the Sip Advisor loves his puppets and Alf places very respectively on my list of favourites. His verbal sparring with Willie Tanner, the man of the house, was always fun to watch. I’m not one for violence against animals, but it would have been interesting if Alf ever got his hands on the Tanner’s cat, Lucky. Hey, hold on a second. The Full House family was also named Tanner. I wonder if they were related!?

Marvin the Martian – Looney Tunes

While I never really thought much of Marvin when he was placed in the role of protagonist, it was always fun to see him get blown up and maimed in other manners at the hands of Bugs Bunny and Daffy Duck. You still have to give credit to Marvin for being one of the first alien characters ever, debuting in 1948.

The Solomons – 3rd Rock From the Sun

This show was vastly underappreciated during its time, but it had a really talented cast and good writing. The show involved a team of four aliens who were sent to earth to observe humans and report back to their leader, The Big Giant Head. You had Dick, the captain of the mission; Harry, the communications officer; Sally, the security and weapons expert; and young Tommy, the wise, old (despite his teenager appearance) information guru. As they adapted to the foreign world around them, hilarity ensued showing just how funny interspecies interaction can be.

Kang & Kodos – The Simpsons

Making regular guest appearances for The Simpsons Treehouse of Horrors Halloween specials, Kang and Kodos have done everything from abduct the Simpson family to win the American presidential election and overthrow earth. I think you’d have to be an alien to want to be a politician. All that smiling and ass kissing you have to do certainly couldn’t be tolerated by most normal people of the human species. Perhaps they’re just ingesting…

Drink #138: Alien Piss

Rim glass with Alien Piss (just kidding, it’s Caramel Syrup)
0.3 oz Honey Whiskey (I used Jack Daniel’s)
0.3 oz Blue Curacao
0.3 oz Sour Apple Mixer
0.3 oz Sweet & Sour Mix
0.3 oz Lemon-Lime Soda

I always find it amazing that so many shows with aliens involve them wanting to learn about our culture and behavior. Really! Do aliens really need to know about selfies, monster truck rallies, and beer pong?… well, maybe that last one would come in handy.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
This is a fun little shot with lots of ingredients. Going in, I had no clue what it would taste like and all I can describe it as afterwards is delicious. It’s a very light shooter, but all the ingredients are nice, so you make peace with it not getting you blitzed. If you wanted it to be more boozy, you could switch to Sour Apple Puss or Pucker and use some sort of Citrus Rum or Vodka, as well.

May 17 – PB&J Martini

Posted on May 17, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Peanut Butter Jelly Time

After yesterday’s debacle of a cocktail, I’m happy to follow it up with this treat. Like a professional athlete in need of a bounce back effort, here I am scoring the game winning goal, destroying the walk-off homerun, hitting the buzzer beater… you get my drift. While I’m a big fan of liquid lunches, I have to say that my heart flutters for sandwiches, as well. Here are some of the best ones:

Grilled Cheese

I’ve mentioned before that I’m not the biggest fan of cheese. That said, I’m bizarrely a fan of grilled cheese sandwiches, providing they’re made with a white cheese like mozzarella or swiss and not the processed American cheddar slices that are synonymous with the meal. With a side of potato chips and a dollop of ketchup to dip your sandwich into, I’m in kid-like heaven.

BLT & Club

When I was younger, I was a picky eater. A BLT, though, was a favourite of mine and a regular order at restaurants. As my tastes evolved, the club sandwich largely replaced the BLT for me and it doesn’t matter whether that extra meat is turkey, chicken, ham, or all three… they’re all going to the same wasteland known as my stomach! You have to remember, my little sippers, bacon is an essential item on nearly every sandwich, so don’t be stingy with it.

PB&J

The classic that I make better than most everyone else on the planet (if I don’t say so myself)! Now that I’ve also conquered the liquid form of this marrying of peanut butter and jelly, you might even say that I’ve become a god among men. There aren’t many tag teams out there that can compare with peanut butter and jelly. Ham and pineapple gave them a run for their money once, but it was an uphill battle.

Ice Cream

The first draft of this blog did not include the scrumptious ice cream sandwich. For that, I have repented my sins and after considering whether or not my best days were behind me and it was time to retire from the writing game, I have decided to carry on and work at redeeming myself. The best ice cream sandwich I’ve ever had is the Tollhouse Chocolate Chip Cookie one, which used to be infinitely better before meddlesome folks began their crusade against junk foods.

Beef Dip

Not a lot beats a nice soft roll, stuffed with thin slices of roast beef and a delicious hot au jus to dip the sandwich into. Flavouring a meat in its own drippings seems cannibalistic, but nobody’s on trial here, so go ahead and do your worst. Destroy that sandwich with the ferocity of a natural predator and don’t feel a moment of remorse. If you are not of the carnivoristic variety, then go on your merry way with your *chortle* salad.

Pulled Pork

I love barbecued meats, especially pulled pork. I could eat this stuff on the reg and never get sick of the deliciously shredded substance. If you throw a little creamy coleslaw down on that sammy, brother, your head will be spinning into orbit. You don’t trust the Sip Advisor? You know, I’m not a one dimensional cocktail jockey… I hate other skills to go along with my liquor awesomosity.

Now that is a beautiful sandwich!

Philly Cheesesteak

I had never really tried a cheesesteak sandwich until an American Cheesesteak restaurant opened up close to my home. I have to say, that I was completely blown away. My order of choice is The Cowboy, which includes shaved prime rib, crispy onion straws, barbecue sauce, bacon mayo and aged white cheddar (which by now, you know is disqualified from my order). It’s a delicious meal that I don’t indulge in often enough.

Meatball Sub

Make sure to have your pens and paper ready because I’m about to reveal to the world my typical Subway order, now famously referred to as ‘The Advisor’. I start with a 12-inch meatball sandwich on Italian herb and cheese bread (yeah, I oddly like cheese in my bread, but not on my sandwich). I elect to not have it toasted and then I add the following condiments: lettuce, tomato, pickles, black olives, green olives (if I’m at one of the rare Subway’s that carries this delicious addition) and topped with mayo. My order is rarely modified because consistency is an art form.

Drink #137: PB&J Martini

Rim glass with Peanut Butter and Jelly
1.5 oz Chambord
1.5 oz Frangelico
Top with Milk

I bet after reading this, every single one of you are hungry for a good sandwich! In writing this post, I realized that I’ve never really had a true Sloppy Joe before. I will have to give this a try and see if it cracks the list above. My money is on it making the list… anyone else care to enter a wager!?

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
A tasty drink made all the more better with a very fun rim job. You can also turn the ingredients into a shooter, if you remove the milk proportion. I’ve wanted to try this drink for some time and I was finally able to put it all together. It actually tastes like a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, minus the bread and with a little more booze flavour than the lunch has. You won’t be disappointed if you try it yourself.

May 16 – Greenback

Posted on May 16, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Drinking Bad

We recently faced a conundrum here at the Sip Advisor headquarters: do we feature a bad drink? I work diligently to select drinks that I hope at least one sect of my fan base will enjoy and I think to this point, I’ve done a good job of making decent cocktails for all you little sippers. Heck, we made it to May before we had to address this issue.

I’m not perfect, but I’m pretty close. Every drink I’ve made thus far has received a passing grade (although the Flatliner was close to having to attend summer school).

That is, until I tried making the Greenback. At first glance of the name, I figured I could write about money and how I don’t understand so much financial mumbo jumbo. After one sip of this vile substance, I learned two things: bad cocktails are my kryptonite and I’d be crafting a post about when recipes go bad.

Bacon is my kryptonite too… just in a good way!

I had never tried Crème de Menthe, but I’ve seen it featured in a ton of recipes, especially ones to do with Gin, so I figured this was a tried, tested and proven drink. If it is tried and tested, those brave souls are surely dumb, deaf, and blind from the experience.

This concoction is gross. I’m not sure I’ve had anything quite so disgusting and we’re talking about a guy who would make some Fear Factor winners blush with the list of things I’m willing to try.

Unfortunately, not every drink that has a published recipe means that it is good (or at the very least drinkable). A lot of human error went into this mix and I’d love to meet whoever first invented it so that I could shake his hand… [Wait, remember Sip Advisor, you hated this drink]… Let’s try that again, using comedian Christopher Titus’ proposed Control-Z machine, which takes us back exactly 12 seconds into the past: so that I could stomp on his foot, forever sullying his pristine white shoelaces and while he’s looking down stunned, I would deliver the world’s greatest flying knee lift, ala Brutus ‘The Barber’ Beefcake.

Would I be arrested on the spot, of course, but it would all be worth it to exact a small degree of revenge against this perpetrator. Plus, once I explained myself to the judge, she would surely let me off with a slap on the wrist and a “boys will be boys” chuckle. Plus, what she doesn’t know, is that I kind of enjoy a little light wrist slapping.

This cocktail made me question whether I deserved the title of Sip Advisor. In a moment of total anxiety I burned all the merchandise concepts we eventually plan on rolling out through the site. I took my entire bar collection and threw it off our balcony. I even took my precious muddler and tried to flush it down the toilet.

In the fetal position and with a flooding bathroom, Mrs. Sip tried to calm me down and restore my usual swagger. She reasoned that this is exactly what a Sip Advisor does. Tries the good and bad and lets the world know which is which (she may have even pointed out that the tagline of this site is in fact “The Good, The Bad, and The Bubbly”). She was right, I do look good naked (my mind always drifts off eventually).

So, I know with this cocktail, you readers no longer view me as a hero. I will settle for being a nearly flawless individual who is responsible for so much good on this earth that it’s hard to fathom I’m merely mortal.

Drink #136: Greenback

1 oz Green Crème de Menthe
1 oz Gin
Splash of Lemon Juice
Garnish with a Lemon Wedge

I don’t even know why I’ve included the recipe. It should be scorched from the earth. If you do decide to take your life into your own hands and attempt making and consuming this drink, the risk is all on you. The Sip Advisor cautions that this beverage contains scenes of violence and coarse language (usually known as the good stuff, but not in this case). Viewer’s digestion is advised. On second thought, don’t worry about the coarse language because this drink is worse than having soap in your mouth!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (1 Sips out of 5):
And that score is generous. This awful mess is basically a mouthwash – you spit and don’t swallow. And it does, in fact, taste exactly as if you are drinking mouthwash (I went and had some Listerine after to compare). I feel I’m being too generous with giving it any score at all. Yuck!

May 15 – Atone-Mint

Posted on May 15, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Making Amends

I’ve been a bad, bad boy and the TV court judges – your Judys, Joe Browns, and the like – have sentenced me to atone for my sundry misdeeds. And there are a lot of them:

I am the legendary D.B. Cooper

That’s right, my little sippers. At the ripe age of minus-12, I boarded Northwest Orient Airlines Flight 305 and made off with $200,000. I promptly blew the money on baby food and diapers for my impending birth more than a decade later. For me, it was all about the thrill. All the fame and notoriety that followed was icing on the cake, although like Batman, I could never soak up the adulation.

I am the cause of power outages

Because of the massive amounts of electricity that flows through my body, I am a surge protector’s worst nightmare. Take all the electricity-based super villians – Electro, Shocker, Livewire – put them together and they still have nothing on me. You can ask Mrs. Sip… every time I touch her she gets shocked. I laugh a boisterous bad guy laugh, she lets out a soft whimper, and that’s the end of our foreplay!

I failed to stop the vampire craze

When I was younger, I took it upon myself to patrol the online message boards of the vast and lawless internet. I was one part Steve McGarrett from Hawaii 5-0 and two parts Carl Winslow from Family Matters. My assignment, which I chose to accept, was to kibosh any positive talk about the return of any “monster” movies. Frankenstein – never stood a chance; Wolfman – pssh, please… I slipped up, though. I figured no one would ever get so obsessed with vampires again. So, yes, I am to blame for all the Twilights, the True Bloods, the Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunters. I cry myself to sleep every night thinking about where I went wrong. Frighteningly, my tears are those creepy vampire blood ones…

I am the reason sneezes sometimes don’t come out

Don’t you hate it when that happens? It’s worse than being stuck in a car after drinking a Big Gulp with no restroom in sight. Well, friends, I’m to blame for your lack of release (that’s what she said). You see, this all began when I was just a young’un. I took great delight in distracting people just as they were about to sneeze and as we all know, that precious moment can pass quickly. As I grew older, I had to be stealthier with these attacks. Not many people will hit a devious kid, but a punk teenager should be throttled if justified. This behavior has continued into my adult years and now I’m able to do it telepathically, having refined my skills to such an nth degree.

I am to blame for potato chip price inflation

This one is all about supply and demand. Prices go up because I destroy much of the supply and there’s still a huge demand for the salty, delicious snack. Thankfully, my sponsors (not the AA type, although if there were a Chipoholics anonymous, I might be their first patron) keep me well stocked and in the chippy-filled lifestyle to which I have become accustomed.

Global warming… you can pin that on me, too

My sincerest apologies to the polar ice caps… I’m just so damn hot that I’m warming up this little world of ours and causing melting of massive chunks of ice. The Game of Thrones Northerners would be so pissed with me. They keep saying that “winter is coming”, but not as long as I’m around. I’m trying to reduce my thermal excretions (wow, that sounds so unsexy), particularly for all the animals I’d be affecting. I love penguins, polar bears, and such and will do everything in my power to see that they are safe and comfortable.

Drink #135: Atone-Mint

Muddle Mint, Strawberries and Lemon Wedges
1.5 oz Blueberry Vodka (I used Smirnoff)
Splash of Lemon Juice
Top with Lemon-Lime Soda

What I really need to apologize for is for being so awesome. Not only can the club not handle me, but most of the world just can’t compete at my level. I leave it all on the floor, day-in, day-out.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
This drink was really enjoyable. The Blueberry Vodka was a nice twist in a Mojito-style cocktail and having so much muddled goodness floating around gave the beverage a wicked presentation. This will be a wonderful summer selection and I can’t wait for the sun to come back and party for a while!

May 14 – Time for a Change?

Posted on May 14, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Politically Declined

To sum up quickly, I hate elections, politicians and basically everything having to do with the political process.

I feel that government doesn’t do very much, what it does accomplish takes way too long to get done, and when it finally gets done, then we go and repeal it anyway. I would never trust a politician further than I could throw them… unless it was hilariously off a cliff Wile E. Coyote style!

Elections are the worst time of the year. Our news is inundated with one group of politicians going on about stupid things other politicians have done such as riding transit without a ticket or running a red light while taking their son to an early morning hockey practice, all presumably in an attempt to sway voters who won’t bother to actually look up the various parties’ platforms. With a multitude of rainbow signs going up everywhere you look and TV commercials interrupting my programming, I just want to take a three-month nap and avoid the whole scenario. And don’t even get me started on the annoying phone calls and pamphlets.

Perhaps if elections were solved with cage fights, I might be a little more interested. Think about it, you could have a stacked card of death matches and charge people to come and see who “wins” the battle. And all the proceeds would go to fund the “elected” government’s initiatives and programs.

If you look through the history of the world, every important issue has been settled at WrestleMania, so why not continue down this path in the political forum?

Sadly, this is not to be, but it’s something for future generations to keep in mind. Maybe when the polar ice caps eventually melt and we go into a state of martial law, we can revisit my proposal.

I took a political science course once and I couldn’t stand it. Every class, when the teacher looked like he was wrapping things up and was going to let us free a little earlier, there would always be one jackass who would keep asking questions – queries of a political nature, but having nothing to do with our current lesson – until before you knew it, we had actually run over the class time and would now be fighting each other to exit, Battle Royal style, in order to get to the parking lot.

All that said, today I have to go stand in line to execute my “right” as a free democratic being who enjoys the benefits of not living in a dictatorship, I guess.

Although, this guy looks like he knows how to party!

Mrs. Sip insists that I vote, even threatening to withhold potato chips and cookies from me. What she doesn’t know is that as soon as I enter the private voting booth, I promptly check off the candidate she dislikes the most, file my ballot, and call it a day!

Drink #134: Time for a Change?

Rim glass with Sugar
1.5 oz Black Cherry Bourbon
0.5 oz Cointreau
Splash of Lemon Juice
Splash of Wildberry Juice
Dash of Orange Bitters

Is it really time for a change? I say, who cares. It’s usually not too long before we hate the dude or dudette we all elected. People say if you don’t vote, you have no right to complain about what happens. And really, that’s the only reason the Sip Advisor goes to the polls every year!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
This is quite the cocktail to undertake. Sadly, I had to leave the lavender portion of the recipe out, but it wasn’t missed too much. I really enjoy any drink that contains Black Cherry Bourbon and this was no exception. I found it really hard to pick an election-themed cocktail, as most were American-related and well, that’s not where I live. I still love the drink name Obama Slammer, though.