May 20 – Sex on the Beach

Making Whoopee

I certainly don’t advocate getting freaky along the shoreline. What with all that sand that could wind up literally anywhere. I don’t even like sand getting in between my toes, so I would abhor the substance being wedged betwixt my buttocks. While I’d like to think that any setting provides a good opportunity for doing the down and dirty, here are some other places you might want to avoid:

Airplane Bathroom

Getting two people crammed into this very tight space would be a modern miracle. Then, putting up with the stench the last guy left for you long enough to finish your business would be a performance of Iron Man proportions. I know that a lot of folks want to join the “Mile High Club”, but is it really worth all the coordination and effort. My advice is to keep it on the ground, unless you’re ever financially set enough to have your own private plane. In that case, go nuts… literally!

Mile High Club

Theme Park Ride

Perhaps this was more achievable many years ago when cameras weren’t everywhere and security was more lax. Today, you never really know where people are located on rides, hidden in the darkness and making sure riders follow all the rules. I remember being on Splash Mountain once and I had the double-wide backseat to myself with Mrs. Sip in front. Just before the big drop she tried to slide back to sit with me (not to do anything sensual, but just because it’s fun to sit together heading into the briar patch), until some dude emerged from the shadows, scaring the bejesus out of both of us. Mrs. Sip promptly returned to her assigned spot and as soon as we finished the attraction, we got the eff out of dodge.

Forest

Unless you want to go home with sap and pine needles pasted all over your body (similar to stripper pasties, but tougher to remove… as if I have comprehensive knowledge of the devices), the forest may not be the best place to find an intimate moment. Sure it provides the two elements that the above entries lack – privacy and spaciousness – but it’s not the cleanliest of settings. If you thrive on getting dirty, in all manner and senses, then go wild!

Dance Floor

I know with all the raunchy bumpin’ and grindin’ that occurs at the clubs nowadays, it’s hard not getting all hot and bothered. I can remember many times (and I am far from a clubbing regular) where a guy and a girl were getting really physical with each other, likely thinking everybody was doing their own thing and not paying them attention. On the contrary, every single person on the dance floor stopped en masse and was watching this exhibit of primal passion. Might as well give them a golf clap for their efforts.

Evolution of Dance

Body of Water

Surely, someone will die during your exploits in the H2O. Whether it is from drowning or the always hilarious going over a waterfall, one or both of you are not going to have a very good time. With questions regarding the purity of nearly every body of water on earth today, is that really something you want to be trifling in. Remember, that’s where fishies pee!

Playground

Talk about rockin’ out teeter-totter style! The problem with a playground is that there’s too many apparatus options, all of which carry a high degree of risk and injury. You could go down the slide together, but one of you would surely topple over the other. You could try the swings, but one or both of you will be compelled to jump into the rough gravel below. Finally, there’s the fire pole, but that will just ruin all of your memories of the classic Batman live action show, not to mention some kind of chaffing with all that exposed skin.

Drink #140: Sex on the Beach

May 20 (1)

  • 1.5 oz Vodka (I used Smirnoff Blueberry)
  • 1 oz Peach Schnapps
  • Top with half Orange Juice and half Cranberry Juice
  • Garnish with a Mandarin Orange Slice

I like that the mocktail versions of this drink can be referred to as Safe Sex on the Beach, Dry Humping on the Beach, or Virgins on the Beach. Perhaps this is the only way to safely traverse through the world of sexual discovery… but you won’t have nearly as much fun!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I like the Peach Schnapps taste, despite not being a peach fruit fan. This was a very enjoyable martini that would be awesome poolside or, as the drink advises, on the beach! I regret not putting a cocktail umbrella into the drink as that would be a perfect finishing touch.

April 12 – Black Magic

Magically Delicious

Love them or hate them, illusionists exist… unless their existence is, in fact, an illusion itself. Whoa… mind blown… better get on with the post before they make what’s left of my mind disappear, too! So tip your glass to some of the best real and fictional tricksters!

Harry Houdini

Any list about magicians realistically starts and ends with Harry Houdini. I remember as a kid being fascinated by Houdini, who I read about in a library book. For those that know the ol’ Sip Advisor well, the fact I was reading at all is a modern day miracle. Greatest illusion: The Milk Can Escape – where Houdini would be handcuffed and sealed inside a milk can filled with water. Failure, surely meant death.

houdinimilkcan

His assistants look uber evil!

David Copperfield

The Las Vegas legend is one of the most famous and successful illusionists of all time. His greatest illusion should really be his engagement to Claudia Schiffer (lucky bastard), but I digress! Greatest illusion: Vanishing Statue of Liberty – Thankfully, Copperfield wasn’t considered a terrorist for making this national landmark disappear.

Burt Wonderstone & Anton Marvelton

After years of going through the motions of their act, Burt Wonderstone and Anton Marvelton reunite in a bid to outdo endurance artist and street magician Steve Gray. With the help of the legendary Rance Holloway, they show that Gray’s style of pain “magic” will never overtake their efforts in the classical trickery department. Greatest illusion: Disappearing Audience – in unusual Sip Advisor form, I won’t spoil the details of this illusion.

Penn & Teller

Turning to a real life amazing duo, Penn and Teller’s mix of magic, mayhem and comedy is perfect for all fans of the art. After seeing them live in Las Vegas, where Mrs. Sip became a part of the act, I can totally vouch for them as top rate performers. They’re always changing up and perfecting their show, so you never know what you might see. Greatest illusion: Bullet Catch – I wonder if Teller ever gets to shoot at Penn!?

G.O.B. Bluth

The hapless magician from Arrested Development is searching for his father’s love and respect… and thinks a career as an illusionist will help him accomplish it. G.O.B.’s act (or lack thereof, since he was kicked out of the Magician’s Alliance for divulging the secret to one of his tricks… oh sorry “illusion”) is a lot of smoke and mirrors, but he can be credited with bringing back the Europe hit “Final Countdown”! Greatest Illusion: Disappearing Yacht – okay, so he actually just blew the thing up for insurance money, but the crowd still roared its approval!

gob-bluth

David Blaine

An illusionist of the street magician and endurance stunt variety, I’ve always found David Blaine creepy. He just seems too “power of zen” for my liking. Still, the guy has done some crazy stuff. Greatest illusion: Vertigo – the guy stood atop a massive pillar in high winds and cold temperatures for 35 hours straight… I couldn’t even be lazy that long and Mrs. Sip would tell you I’m pretty good at that.

Criss Angel

Ever been mind freaked!? I can’t say that it’s a position I’ve ever tried, but apparently it made this dude popular. Greatest illusion: Walking on Water – for a guy who often purports to be Jesus-like, he might as well give this a shot. Quite frankly I would be more impressed if he could turn that water into wine!

Drink #102: Black Magic

Black Magic Cocktail

  • 1.5 oz Vodka (I used Absolut Raspberry)
  • 1 oz Kahlua
  • Splash of Lemon Juice
  • Garnish with Lemon Twist

This drink is a member of the Black Russian family and was quite enjoyable. Its greatest illusion was giving me a sense of inebriation… that, and super powers.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
I love the Lemon Twist garnish I used for this cocktail. This drink reminded me of the Brave Bull recipe I did earlier this year and both tasted good. The Raspberry Vodka added a nice twist to the concoction and worked well with the Kahlua.