I’ve been a bad, bad boy and the TV court judges – your Judys, Joe Browns, and the like – have sentenced me to atone for my sundry misdeeds. And there are a lot of them:
I am the legendary D.B. Cooper
That’s right, my little sippers. At the ripe age of minus-12, I boarded Northwest Orient Airlines Flight 305 and made off with $200,000. I promptly blew the money on baby food and diapers for my impending birth more than a decade later. For me, it was all about the thrill. All the fame and notoriety that followed was icing on the cake, although like Batman, I could never soak up the adulation.
I am the cause of power outages
Because of the massive amounts of electricity that flows through my body, I am a surge protector’s worst nightmare. Take all the electricity-based super villians – Electro, Shocker, Livewire – put them together and they still have nothing on me. You can ask Mrs. Sip… every time I touch her she gets shocked. I laugh a boisterous bad guy laugh, she lets out a soft whimper, and that’s the end of our foreplay!
I failed to stop the vampire craze
When I was younger, I took it upon myself to patrol the online message boards of the vast and lawless internet. I was one part Steve McGarrett from Hawaii 5-0 and two parts Carl Winslow from Family Matters. My assignment, which I chose to accept, was to kibosh any positive talk about the return of any “monster” movies. Frankenstein – never stood a chance; Wolfman – pssh, please… I slipped up, though. I figured no one would ever get so obsessed with vampires again. So, yes, I am to blame for all the Twilights, the True Bloods, the Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunters. I cry myself to sleep every night thinking about where I went wrong. Frighteningly, my tears are those creepy vampire blood ones…
I am the reason sneezes sometimes don’t come out
Don’t you hate it when that happens? It’s worse than being stuck in a car after drinking a Big Gulp with no restroom in sight. Well, friends, I’m to blame for your lack of release (that’s what she said). You see, this all began when I was just a young’un. I took great delight in distracting people just as they were about to sneeze and as we all know, that precious moment can pass quickly. As I grew older, I had to be stealthier with these attacks. Not many people will hit a devious kid, but a punk teenager should be throttled if justified. This behavior has continued into my adult years and now I’m able to do it telepathically, having refined my skills to such an nth degree.
I am to blame for potato chip price inflation
This one is all about supply and demand. Prices go up because I destroy much of the supply and there’s still a huge demand for the salty, delicious snack. Thankfully, my sponsors (not the AA type, although if there were a Chipoholics anonymous, I might be their first patron) keep me well stocked and in the chippy-filled lifestyle to which I have become accustomed.
Global warming… you can pin that on me, too
My sincerest apologies to the polar ice caps… I’m just so damn hot that I’m warming up this little world of ours and causing melting of massive chunks of ice. The Game of Thrones Northerners would be so pissed with me. They keep saying that “winter is coming”, but not as long as I’m around. I’m trying to reduce my thermal excretions (wow, that sounds so unsexy), particularly for all the animals I’d be affecting. I love penguins, polar bears, and such and will do everything in my power to see that they are safe and comfortable.
Drink #135: Atone-Mint
- Muddle Mint, Strawberries and Lemon Wedges
- 1.5 oz Blueberry Vodka (I used Smirnoff)
- Splash of Lemon Juice
- Top with Lemon-Lime Soda
What I really need to apologize for is for being so awesome. Not only can the club not handle me, but most of the world just can’t compete at my level. I leave it all on the floor, day-in, day-out.
Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
This drink was really enjoyable. The Blueberry Vodka was a nice twist in a Mojito-style cocktail and having so much muddled goodness floating around gave the beverage a wicked presentation. This will be a wonderful summer selection and I can’t wait for the sun to come back and party for a while!