March 14 – Monkey Gland

Posted on March 14, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Monkeying Around

You may not have noticed by now, but I kind of love monkeys. Along with kittens and potato chips, monkeys have made frequent guest appearances in blog posts. Even after a group of monkeys assaulted me and viciously violated me while on vacation in Indonesia, I still have a massive respect for the creatures. After all, I was guilty of holding a bag of peanuts that they wanted (that’s right elephants, peanuts are not just for you!). Thank god I had a little Indonesian woman to protect me by shooing them away with her sandal. I beg forgiveness my simian friends. Without further ado, are some of my favourite primates:

George – Curious George

You’d think with all the trouble George gets into that the Man in the Yellow Hat would send the little guy packing. And what was up with that Man in the Yellow Hat anyways? Doesn’t he realize how ridiculous he looks? Looks like a freakin’ banana if you ask me (and I know you do). No wonder Curious George was so troublesome, it was probably the result of slow psychotic breakdown from having to live with a giant talking banana. Curious George should just try to eat him sometime.

Abu – Aladdin

I often dress my kitty sidekick, Furious B, in Abu’s trademark fez hat and vest. It may result in numerous scratches and one pissed off pussy, but it’s worth it for the half second I can see him clothed before he runs and hides behind the couch and pees on my DVDs.

Mr. Teeny – The Simpsons

The roller-skating, cigar-smoking chimp and sidekick to Krusty the Clown, has lived a life few monkeys have the opportunity to. It is one of celebrity, which comes with good and bad. Hell, I’d be Krusty’s subordinate if it meant an increase in pay and getting to wear a bowtie… even if Krusty has plans to take one of Teeny’s lungs should he ever need a replacement.

Evil Monkey – Family Guy

We later learn that this monkey isn’t so evil after all. He’s actually a nice, mild-mannered being who was just down on his luck (his monkey wife had cheated on him) and found a home in Chris Griffin’s closet. If my wife cheated on me with a monkey, I’d just be crossing my fingers that it turned into a threesome.

Donkey Kong

Originally a villain, Donkey Kong worked his way into the hearts of gamers by barrel blasting and enemy bopping his way through King K. Rool’s gang of baddies. It turns out he just wants his god damn bananas back. Poor guy has to deal with a serious potassium deficiency!

King Louie – Jungle Book and Tale Spin

This orangutan sure knows how to party. His joint is always swinging with song and merriment, especially when he and best friend Baloo were given new life in the 90’s cartoon Tale Spin. In that series, he became the owner of Louie’s Place, a tropical bar, which this Sip Advisor aspires to one day track down and go to work there.

Monkey Talents

Whether it’s the air duct-invading monkey (Community), the cigarette-smoking, drug-dealing monkey (The Hangover 2), the skeleton monkey (Pirates of the Caribbean) or any other simian performer, they’re all good in my books.

Phonics Monkey – South Park

Oh my god, he killed Kenny… you bastard!

Drink #73: Monkey Gland

1.5 oz Gin (I used Beefeater)
0.5 oz Absinthe
Top with Orange Juice
Dash of Grenadine
Garnish with Orange Zest

Monkeys and their distant relatives are awesome… there’s even a gorilla in San Francisco that has a thing for breasts. And yet some people still don’t believe in evolution! Let’s not forget the Ikea Monkey (now somehow available on Twitter), whose winter coat made us all melt.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
I’d love to know why this drink is called Monkey Gland. Regardless, the cocktail was decent and one in which I actually enjoyed Orange Juice. I like how the Orange Twist came across too, as it looks more like a Blood Orange, when it wasn’t.

March 13 – Sazerac

Posted on March 13, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Macaroni Workshop

Today, we unveil the first ever Sip Advisor art gala… the results of an absinthe-induced buzz. I worked long and hard on this piece and I hope the results are worth my efforts!

Drum roll, please…

I tried to live up to the standards of the Macaroni Masters. I hope I have not let them down.

My inspiration for this piece included Tyrannosaurus Rex (note the short arms on Mr. Stick – a distant relative of Mr. Sip) and Johnny Depp (notice the resemblance!?).

Mrs. Sip said that my stickman was very well done and gave me a gold star, which I promptly put into my sticker book. If I earn five gold stars, apparently she’ll take me to Chuck E. Cheese’s, or at least that’s the rumour on the playground!

Oh and this is Mrs. Sip’s absinthe-induced art gala entry, which I guess warrants an honourable mention… clearly mine’s better!

Now let’s enjoy a drink that helped me get through this exhausting process.

Drink #72: Sazerac

1 oz Absinthe
1 oz Whiskey (I used Crown Royal)
Splash of Lemon Juice
Dash of Simple Syrup
Garnish with a Blackberry

What do you think? Should I take my piece on a worldwide tour? As crazy as it sounds, I feel there might actually be an audience for my “special” talents.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
My favourite cocktail of Absinthe Week. I think I have to give a nod to Crown Royal Whiskey as the ingredient that made this drink so enjoyable. The Lemon Juice and Simple Syrup also played important roles in making the Absinthe more agreeable.

March 12 – Sepultura

Posted on March 12, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Grave Diggin’

In Portuguese, Sepultura means grave. And while this drink may eventually send you there, you still have time to figure out what will be written on your headstone. Here’s some things to consider:

Do you want to be remembered for your legacy?

“That’s All Folks!”
The Man of a Thousand Voices

Mel Blanc (voice of numerous Looney Tunes characters)

“The Entertainer”
He Did It All

Sammy Davis, Jr. (triple threat: actor, singer, comedian)

Do you want to tell your story?

Truth and History.
21 Men.
The Boy Bandit King–
He Died As He Lived

William H. Bonney “Billy the Kid” (legendary outlaw)

Are you hoping to deliver a lasting message?

…that nothing’s so sacred as honor and nothing’s so loyal as love

Wyatt Earp (old west lawman)

Workers of all lands unite.
The philosophers have only
interpreted the world in various ways;
the point is to change it.

Karl Marx (Communist manifestonian)

“Tomorrow is the most important thing in life.
Comes into us at midnight very clean.
It’s perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands
It hopes we’ve learned something from yesterday”

John Wayne (cowboy)

Why not crack a joke on your way out?

There goes the neighborhood

Rodney Dangerfield (comedian)

Jack Lemmon
in

Jack Lemmon (actor)

“I will not be right back after this message.”

Merv Griffin (talk show host/game show creator)

“I’m a writer, but then nobody’s perfect.”

Billy Wilder (movie icon)

Or, do you just want to get in the last word?

Quoth the Raven,
“Nevermore”

Edgar Allan Poe (writer)

After careful consideration, I’ve decided that my tombstone should read:

The Sip Advisor
He provided the world with endless joy
So we drink to him, eating Chips Ahoy
He was a legend, a stud, never rude
To sum up: he was one good dude!

Of course, if you have to pay per letter, I’m cool with it simply saying “C U”. Ah hell, I want to be cremated anyway, with my ashes to be sprinkled in a distillery, so I can be with my loved ones forever. Or at least until they sweep up around the place.

Drink #71: Sepultura

0.75 oz Absinthe
0.75 oz Fireball Whiskey (or Cinnamon Schnapps)
1 Beer (I used Rickard’s Red)

Take the two liquors and put them into a shot glass, drop the shooter into the beer and voila, you have a liquid grave to drown your sorrows in. Only happiness is allowed around here!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
I used a frozen shot glass for this dropped shot cocktail, which eliminated much of the mess and clean up when the drink was done. I would like to try this recipe with other beers and see which one works best.

March 10 – Absinthe

Posted on March 10, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Absinthe-Minded

Well, my little sippers, we’re kicking Absinthe Week off in style by rocking the classic serving of absinthe, tripping balls and seeing a few green fairies. While I’m in my state of delirium, here’s some information about the alcohol to mull over.

Absinthe is an anise-flavoured – that always makes me laugh and I often bug Mrs. Sip about the word ‘anise’ – spirit… apparently there’s even a green anise… might want to get that checked out. While often being depicted as an addictive, psychedelic, hallucination-inducing spirit, in reality absinthe is not known to cause visions. It does, however, contain a very high percentage of alcohol (60%).

Regardless, absinthe has been banned by many countries in the past. Switzerland (the country where absinthe was created) banned the libation in 1910 after a man named Jean Lanfray killed his wife and kids, allegedly the result of an absinthe-induced delusion. Of course, the fact that Lanfray (dude even got his own Wikipedia page) was an alcoholic who had also drank wine and brandy that night was overlooked. People just gotta hate. The U.S., Belgium, France, the Netherlands and even Brazil also banned absinthe.

The liquor even inspired a movement against it, known as the ‘Temperance Movement’. A critic of the drink stated: “Absinthe makes you crazy and criminal, provokes epilepsy and tuberculosis, and has killed thousands of French people. It makes a ferocious beast of man, a martyr of woman, and a degenerate of the infant, it disorganizes and ruins the family and menaces the future of the country.”

Pretty harsh words, but the Sip Advisor likes to read between the lines. I want to be a beast of a man, as well as a degenerate and quite frankly, tuberculosis has nothing on me! Plus, I don’t see anything wrong with a few less French people in the world… I kid, I kid!

The term Green Fairy can refer to the euphoric state the drink is supposed to put you in, as depicted by numerous artists and writers. It also figures into the movie EuroTrip, causing twin siblings, Jamie and Jenny, to make out with one another. Oh, the crazy things teenagers will do. Absinthe is also important in some vampire fiction… how do you mistake red and green-coloured liquids? I guess they’ll drink anything.

Writer Oscar Wilde was a fan of absinthe, lamenting, “What difference is there between a glass of absinthe and a sunset?” Wilde was far from the only famous artist to get into the drink. Pablo Picasso painted many works that had an absinthe theme to them, including The Absinthe Drinker, The Poet Cornutti, and The Glass of Absinthe. While other artists (Edgar Degas, Vincent van Gogh) portrayed the spirit in a more positive light, Picasso depicted the negativities of the liquor.

Ernest Hemingway was also an absinthian (thought I made that word up, but spell check is apparently cool with it, too). A word of caution though, as pointed out by others, Hemingway committed suicide and van Gogh cut his own ear off… might want to approach absinthe with caution.

The formation of the European Union helped bring absinthe out of the dark ages and gave the alcohol a renaissance of sorts, as approximately 200 brands now exist and manufacturers are no longer confined to laws that constrained the production and sale of the feared liquor.

Despite all the controversy, absinthe is actually good for you thanks to all the herbs that take on homeopathic qualities. A shot a day keeps the doctor away has always been my line of thinking. And guess what: it’s drinking time!

Drink #69: Absinthe

1.5 oz Absinthe
Sugar Cubes
Top with Ice Cold Water

Heh, drink #69… there is a special technique used for drinking the classic absinthe recipe. First pour the spirit into a glass, then place a special absinthe spoon (with sugar cubes) on top of the glass. Next, you pour the water over the sugar to dissolve it and the end result is creating the cloudy “green fairy” the drink is famous for. Stir it all up and enjoy.

You can even light the sugar cube on fire if you pour the absinthe over the sugar, as we did to our drink today. After lighting the cube, make sure the absinthe in the glass doesn’t catch fire, as it will destroy the alcohol and make the drink taste awful (so I am told… I don’t mess these sort of things up). When the flame burns out, add the cold water. Wash, rinse, repeat!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
Wow, what a process to make this drink. We even did the whole Bohemian method and lit the sucker on fire! As for taste, it wasn’t that bad. The Sugar Cube cuts into the bitterness of the Absinthe and the Water dilutes the spirit even more, making it an enjoyable cocktail.

March 7 – Loopy Lemonade

Posted on March 7, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Cereal Killer

Today is Cereal Day… which I guess really means that literally anything can have its own day of recognition. Therefore I am in discussions to make September 22nd, your Sip Advisor’s birthday, National Sip Appreciation Day. We’ll have carnival rides and balloons and all that other good shit. Will there be drinks, you ask? Oh, you better believe there will be drinks! We’re all going to get hooched and Cookie Monster crazy! Anyway, that’s months away. Today we look at my favourite cereals from past, present and future.

Cookie Crisp

Speaking of Cookie Monster, it has been well-documented that I too am a monster of cookies. So what better way to get one of my manly daily doses of cookies than as part of a not-so-balanced breakfast. This cereal was tits and although it could only be found across the border in the United States (no surprise there), Mama Sip grabbed it on a few shopping trips so us Canadian kids could enjoy the experience, too.

Reese Puffs

What could be better than a cookie-based cereal? Oh, I don’t know… how about a breakfast constructed from Reese Peanut Butter Cups!? Mmmm, Reese Witherspoon’s peanut butter cups… why does my mind always go there. Back to the cereal… great, now I’m drooling. Screw it, let’s move on to the next entry.

Trix

Trix are for kids… and me. Another cereal that was hard to find in Canada, but at hotels that offered continental breakfasts in the US, you could often find a mini box of this fruit-flavoured treat. Froot Loops were, of course, easier to find in these here parts, which while also being a solid cereal choice, just wasn’t exactly up to par with its rabbit-mascotted counterpart. Plus, I hate birds so much that Toucan Sam always pissed me off.

Golden Grahams/Cinnamon Toast Crunch

On their own: reliable, hardworking, heart on their sleeves, character cereals (okay, so I described them like you would a fourth line hockey player, what of it?). Together, a magical union of honey and cinnamon sugar, graham crackers and toast. I have often experimented with other crossbreeds, but this is by far one of the best. Give it a try sometime and let me know how awesome it was!

Raisin Bran

I know what you’re thinking… Sip Advisor and Raisin Bran don’t seem to be a good fit. I assure you, my little sippers, that the pairing shocks me, as well. I have to say though, I love getting my two scoops of raisins on and I can’t really complain about the internal scrub brush that is fibre either.

Now let’s wash down this cereal with today’s cereal flavoured vodka cocktail!

Drink #66: Loopy Lemonade

1.5 oz Three Olives Loopy Vodka
Muddle Blackberries and Mint Leaves
Top with Lemonade
Garnish with Blackberry and Froot Loops

You know, they just don’t make cereals like they used to. Back in the day, cereal was a major marketing item for kid’s shows and such. Everything from Star Wars (C-3PO’s) to Gremlins had its own brand of breakfast product. I guess all the crap about childhood obesity nowadays has limited these campaigns. Maybe if fatty got up off the couch and played outside a little, we could see the return of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles cereal, among many other childhood memories (like the one below).

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I liked the combination of muddled Blackberries and Mint. The Loopy Vodka is a great tasting libation that has many citrus notes and reminds me of Triple Secs and Curacaos.

March 4 – Red Apple

Posted on March 4, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Toxicity

Today’s drink may not be poisonous (my liver may disagree), but it has inspired me to look at the fictional folks who have suffered a toxic fate. In dissecting some of their tales, I will attempt to put myself in their shoes and provide a Sip Survivor’s Guide to lethal venoms!

Snow White – Poisoned Red Apple

Now it’s a bit beyond me as to why Snow White would ever accept a red apple from a strange old woman when she knows there’s a bounty out on her head. And doesn’t Snow know that Granny Smith’s are where it’s at and any intelligent person understands that Golden Delicious follows, in the absence of the good green stuff? I can suffer from insomnia at times, so if anyone knows where I can get my hands on one of these sleeping apples that would be pretty sweet. Of course, the chances of Mrs. Sip waking me up the next morning with a kiss are slim… She may choose to leave me in a perpetual dream world for all of time.

Dude from Crank – Beijing Cocktail

Only having one hour to live thanks to his poisoning, this guy makes the most of it, running around Los Angeles committing crimes, getting into random fights, and having exhibitionist sex with his girlfriend at the mall. I gotta say, if you wanted to kill the guy, why would you give him an hour to live and also explain this to him in a video when he awakens?… silly movies. If I was given the Beijing Cocktail, I’d use my last hour to do some hardcore parkour. If you’re going to go anyway, might as well do some stupid risky stuff first.

King Hamlet, Queen Gertrude, Laertes, King Claudius, Prince Hamlet – Hebenon

Wow, there’s a lot of bad shit going on here. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, indeed. Claudius poisons Hamlet’s father; Claudius accidentally poisons Gertrude’s wine; Laertes slashes Hamlet with a poison blade; Hamlet stabs Laertes with the same toxic blade as they scuffle; Hamlet not only stabs Claudius, but forces him to drink the poisoned wine; Horatio (where the hell did he come from?) almost willingly poisons himself, due to all the grief… okay, breathe… I can only conclude that if this was all going on around me, I’d be getting the f*ck outta Denmark!

Ron Weasley – Poisoned Mead

Mead – (def.) also called honey wine, is an alcoholic beverage that is produced by brewing a solution of honey and water…

What in the world was this underage boy doing drinking mead in the first place? What kind of supervision is taking place at Hogwart’s, a school where children are attacked on a regular basis? How does this place still have a license to teach? In the interest of full disclosure, I’m only upset because I was denied acceptance to the school, instead turning to the dark arts of blogging.

Batman – Fear Gas, Smilex

Used by the Scarecrow, fear gas causes victims to hallucinate their worse fears. While Batman, of course, is inflicted by nightmares of bats (seriously, who’s scared of friggin’ bats… just big tough guy Bruce Wayne), I would be haunted by vivid scenes of naked girls, pillow-fighting for the right to ravage Mrs. Sip. How does the old saying go: fear what you love!

And as if Batman didn’t have enough to worry about in the field of poisons, the Joker uses Smilex, a toxin which kills quickly and leaves the dead with a distorted smiling face. That wouldn’t bug me too much, given my face is permanently locked in an exaggerated grin. Remember when your mom told you not to roll your eyes because they’d get stuck in the back of your head? I never listened.

My Little Pony stable – Poison Joke

Wow, the weird paths research can take you down sometimes… this is why I never did any during my school days. So apparently, on a kids cartoon keep in mind, the ponies were once poisoned resulting in a unicorn’s horn going limp (erectile dysfunction, clearly), another’s voice becoming deep and manly (transgendered) and one suffering what seems to be the onset effects of an STD. And people thought the 1980’s excess was bad.

Cartoon Characters (Who Framed Roger Rabbit) – Dip

If I was animated, this substance would scare me more. Since I’m of the lifeless – no, wait, that doesn’t sound right… stupid thesaurus antonyms… what kind of a dinosaur is a thesaurus anyways? – I mean, since I’m of the living variety, the only Dip that scares me is Fun Dip. Poison in a pouch, if you ask me. Side note: If I was animated, I’d like to think that I’d be a cross between Wile E. Coyote and Sylvester the Cat. No lack of effort, but disappointing results all around!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Mutagen Ooze

So, one day these turtles were hanging out in the sewer when mysterious ooze was poured through a drain and splashed all over them. Almost instantaneously, they began to grow and develop a vocabulary that included words like “awesome,” “radical,” and “cowabunga.” Next came fighting skills and an obsessive love of pizza. If I was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, I’d be the slacker one. Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines, Raphael is cool but crude, Michaelanglo is a party dude, Sip Advisor (Sipario) is lazy as shit and will likely be evicted.

Drink #63: Red Apple

1.5 oz Vodka
1 oz Lemon Juice
Top with Apple Juice
Dash of Grenadine

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
This was a pretty good drink built on the back of the mixers, the Apple Juice and Lime Juice. The Grenadine finished the recipe and had the cocktail actually tasting like a red apple.

March 1 – Berrynade

Posted on March 1, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Making Words Up

Well, you learn something new every day. Do you know what a portmanteau is? Sounds kind of like a dirty bedroom move, but it’s actually when two words are combined to make one. Kind of like the celebrity trend with couple’s names: Brangelina, Bennifer, TomKat. While those are utterly stupid, here are some portmanteaus (really roles off the tongue nicely… adding to its filthy sex maneuver mystique) that, like me, are pretty awesome:

Yellular – Ever notice how people’s voices go up about a million decibels when they’re on their cell phone? Right, because everyone on the bus wants to hear about your STD test results. If you got the clap, we’ll give you a round of applause!

Bromance – There’s absolutely nothing wrong with having a fond appreciation of your fellow man and sometimes there’s nothing better in the world than hanging with your buds, downing drinks, shooting the shit, and being stupid. Sex may top this, but if you’re in a “true” bromance, you’re getting that as well.

The Flight of the Conchords guys know all about bromance…

Nonversation – Ever talked to someone about absolutely nothing, but it still wastes 20 minutes of your day? Welcome to my workplace world, home of excruciating exchanges with people you don’t care to know anything about.

Social Notworking – Why work when you can spend hours a day liking Facebook statuses, posting photos of what you had for lunch on Instagram and hashtagging on Twitter?…Or making your next blog post…

Turducken – I’ve never actually had the pleasure of enjoying this delicacy. Perhaps someone can whip up a turkey-duck-chicken sandwich for me and e-mail it on over.

Chillax – The problem with me is that I chillax too much, to the point of really doing nothing at all. It’s my gift and my curse, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.

Imagineering – Walt Disney coined the concept of combining imagination and engineering and in our own little ways, we can all live up to this title.

Kidult – Ask Mrs. Sip and she will exasperatedly confirm that I am a kidult. I won’t let age get in the way of enjoying anything from cartoons to playground equipment and everything in between. Just try and stop me.

Frenemy – I’m frenemies with too many people to list. Among them: Mrs. Sip, my publisher, and the network (all which may actually be the same person). But especially my kitty. When he won’t sit with me, we are SO friends off…

Edutainment/Infotainment – What I like to consider this blog (another portmanteau, in fact) to be.

Mathlete – One day we will look up to the great minds of our world, as we do to sports icons like Lance Armstrong, Tiger Woods and O.J. Simpson… okay, maybe those three are bad examples. I wonder if the intellectual world is rife with scandal as well, like mathematicians using protractors and compasses to do the dirty or something.

Mocktail – Won’t find any of those around here…

Sexercise – Is there a better way to drop a few pounds!?

Sexting – The thorough stretching that goes into a good round of sexercise.

Sexcapade – What happens when your sexting and sexercise get you in trouble… but I like trouble!

Emoticon – My favourite emoticon is the one as shown here: :-0 <==8
Translation: Time for some archery, bitches!

Hangry – I get a little cranky when I’m hungry… speaking of which, I’m feeling a little peckish right now. Let’s wrap things up and get to today’s drink.

Drink #60: Berrynade (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

1 oz Gin (I used Bombay Sapphire)
0.5 oz Raspberry Vodka
Top with Lemonade
Garnish with raspberries and a strawberry wedge

Much like a portmanteau, I took berries and lemonade and made Berrynade. Now it’s time to have some fricken (fried chicken) before procrasterbating (not going to break this one down for you!).

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
I liked this little recipe I put together on the fly. Bombay Sapphire is such a nice Gin to build on top of. The Raspberry Vodka and Lemonade just helped with some nice flavours and all the fruit garnishes were fun to eat along with the cocktail.

February 28 – Leap Year Cocktail

Posted on February 28, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Leap of Faith

Okay, I know 2013 is not a Leap Year and, in fact, we won’t see one again until 2016, but seeing as I don’t know how long this blog (aka my binge drinking) will keep going, I’m having the Leap Year cocktail now, just to make sure I get it onto the site.

Leap Day (1,096 drinks away, at my current pace) is very unique and we’re not even talking about the extra day in the year jazz. Here are some interesting Leap Day/Year facts:

Women can ask men to marry them on Leap Day – the premise to the crappy 2010 movie Leap Year. Does this mean that all the pressure is on women to pick out the right ring, plan the perfect proposal, and ask the husband to be’s parents for permission?

I wouldn’t mind me a little Sandy Bullock on her knees!

There are approximately 4 million people with birthdays on February 29. Among them, rapper Ja Rule, motivational speaker Tony Robbins and actor Anthony Sabato, Jr. The date also seems to be special for Canadian hockey players, as both Cam Ward and Simon Gagne share this birthday. Cam on Modern Family also enjoys Leap Day as his birthday, preferring to think of himself as 10 years old, when he’s hitting the big 4-0.

These people are called ‘Leaplings’ (is that anything like Lemmings?) and celebrate their birthday on either February 28th or March 1st in non-Leap Years. The chances of someone being born on this rare day are 1 in 1,461.

On the flip side, Davy Jones of The Monkees died on this day last year. Does that mean that he’s stuck in some sort of limbo – with a repeating loop of Daydream Believer constantly playing – because technically the day doesn’t exist?

February 29th also symbolizes Rare Disease Day… good job picking that out… Scientist: “So we’re agreed: we’ll only bring attention to our cause every four years, thus allowing us more time to worry about the stuff that really matters… like HD TV and faster streaming porn.”

Full disclosure: the boy in the picture is me.

Around the world, the Chinese believe that Leap Year babies are difficult to raise and are unlucky, while in Greece, you are advised not only to avoid marrying on February 29th, but throughout the entire Leap Year. And they thought they had trouble with their economic system!

Two separate women have given birth to children on three consecutive leap days. That would really suck. Not only does your birthday only come around once every four years, but when it does, you have to share it with two other siblings. Sir James Wilson, the Premier of Tasmania, Australia was born and died on February 29th. I hope he was a regular lottery player.

The Honor Society of Leap Year Babies exists for people born on February 29th. I tried joining once and when my membership was denied, I lodged a complaint with equal rights activists. The case is still pending.

Most importantly, in 2012 Disneyland and the Magic Kingdom in Disneyworld were open for a full 24 hours on Leap Day. Guess I know where I’m spending February 29th, 2016.

Drink #59: Leap Year Cocktail

2 oz Gin (I used Beefeater)
1 oz Grand Marnier
1 oz Sweet Vermouth
Dash of Lemon Juice
Garnish with lemon wedge

I pushed for having my wedding on Leap Day because then you would only have to celebrate once every four years. Just think of the savings. Although, I guess you would have a pretty big blowout whenever February 29th rolled around. Regardless, Mrs. Sip wanted a summer wedding and you know how it goes: happy wife, happy life… LAME!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I can see why this cocktail is meant to only be enjoyed once every four years. It’s not that special and didn’t blow my mind in any way. The Grand Marnier was the nicest touch among the drink and luckily still came through, despite the other ingredients.

February 27 – Cap’n Stormy

Posted on February 27, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Boozemarked

While most experts maintain that you can’t put a trademark or copyright on a drink recipe, here are some examples where companies have tried to do so:

Lynchburg Lemonade

When the Jack Daniel’s Distillery launched a national campaign to promote the Lynchburg Lemonade drink, of course suggesting people use their whiskey for the concoction, Alabama lounge and restaurant owner Tony Mason sued them. He had created the drink in 1980 and alleged that a JD representative had learned the secret recipe and was now stealing it for the company’s use. I’m sure it took a crack investigative team to discover the drink was made of whiskey, triple sec, sour mix and lemon-lime soda. We’re not talking about 11 herbs and spices here.

Mason sought $13 million in compensation and although he won the case, he was awarded no money. Instead, the judge offered to pay him $1 of his own money for the case to go away. Wow, Alabama really is full of crazy people! Mason rejected the judge’s “generous” offer and appealed the decision. A new trial was ordered in 2006 and the results of the case were not known… until today when Judge Sip of the 18th District Court sided in favour of Jack Daniel’s Distillery after an under-the-table deal was reached in which Sip Advisor Enterprises (patent pending) will be sent a lifetime supply of Jack Daniel’s products.

I guess the fine folks at Jack Daniel’s didn’t get the message (or don’t care) that the recipe is not theirs…

Dark N’ Stormy

This is a cocktail that has been trademarked by Gosling’s Export Limited, makers of Black Seal Rum. It’s a basic recipe that takes the rum, mixes it with ginger beer and adds an optional lime for garnish. So, if I use lemon, instead of lime, does that mean I’m now exempt from the trademark? Gosling’s even market their own ginger beer for use in the drink.

Malcolm Gosling, Jr., of the Gosling’s Rum family (I hope one day that I’m the member of a rum family), says that fighting this trademark is exhaustive and costly, but that they will “defend that trademark vigorously.”

Painkiller

A New York-based tiki bar (not sure how tiki-themed a place in New York can be… it’s not exactly a tropical paradise), aptly titled Painkiller, was sent cease and desist letters from the Pusser’s Rum company, after it opened in 2010. The company claimed a trademark on the Painkiller name and drink recipe – Pusser’s Rum, pineapple juice, cream of coconut, and orange juice – which Pusser’s accused the bar of trying to capitalize on.

The bar decided to settle out of court, changing its name, giving up the internet domain (something you think the Pusser’s people would already have if they treasure their creation so highly) and removing the drink from its menu. This outraged the mixology community, causing drinkers and drink makers alike to take to social media and voice their displeasure with Pusser’s bullying tactics and many called for a boycott on the rum.

A Facebook page was created called Bartenders Against Trademarking of Cocktails and gained numerous members in a brief amount of time. One bartender even went as far as to change his bar menu and specifically challenge Pusser’s on the trademark issue (photo below). Conclusion from researching this article: rum companies are full of dicks.

Flaming Homer/Moe

Finally, there is the contentious, Simpson v. Szyslak famous case to discuss, a true transcript summarizing the event is as follows:

Marge Simpson: So, Mr. Hutz, does my husband have a case?

Lionel Hutz: I’m sorry, Mrs. Simpson, but you can’t copyright a drink.

Homer Simpson: [whines] Oh!

Lionel Hutz: This all goes back to the Frank Wallbanger case of ’78. How about that! I looked something up! These books behind me don’t just make the office look good, they’re filled with useful legal tidbits just like that!

Drink #58: Cap’n Stormy (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

1.5 oz Dark Rum (I used Captain Morgan’s, take that Gosling’s and Pusser’s!)
Top with Ginger Ale
Garnish with lemon and lime wedges

I had originally intended to make a Dark N’ Stormy, but realized it is a recipe copyrighted by the Goslings folks… I also didn’t have any ginger beer (really the bigger issue as no rum runners are going to stop me from making any drink), so I made my own concoction and this was the delicious result. I call trademark!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I’d like to eventually make the Dark N’ Stormy (should the people at Gosling’s allow me). This was a decent replacement. I like how the Lemon and Lime Wedges looked together in the cocktail photo.

February 26 – Life’s A Peach

Posted on February 26, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Rough Starts

Sure it’s February and the weather may not be at its best in your neck of the woods. Maybe you’ve caught a winter flu or cold bug (like Mrs. Sip passed along to your friendly neighbourhood liquor slinger). But hey, things could be worse. You could be one of these people, having a not-so-peachy start to 2013:

Lance Armstrong

Lancelot finally revealed what made him so “Livestrong” en route to winning seven Tour de France titles. With his image tarnished, all the good he ever did for cancer research and being an inspiration to cancer victims and their families has been tossed out the window along with his legacy in cycling. At least he hooked up with Cheryl Crow… that you can never take away from the man.

Oscar Pistorius

The ‘Blade Runner’ went from hero to zero in South Africa (and around the world) when he killed his girlfriend, model Reeva Steenkamp. Pistorius shot Steenkamp four times, claiming he mistook her for a robber. Guess when you hear someone burgling your precious toiletries it’s better to shoot four times through the locked bathroom door first and let the jury ponder questions of self-defence later. The only person involved in the case with perhaps an even less peachy time of it than Pistorius is the chief investigating officer, Hilton Botha, who managed to botch most of the initial investigation. But hey, it’s really hard to get your investigation details right when your mind is probably on your own upcoming charge of attempted murder, right Mr. Botha?

National Rifle Association

Speaking of gun violence, with all the recent incidents in the United States, the NRA is really under fire. How the NRA continues to push their pro-weapon message, in spite of all the school shootings, mall massacres, and other tragedies is beyond this simple Canadian boy. It’s sad that it seems there needs to be even more unnecessary killings in order to finally get the message across. Then again, if the past is any indication, the NRA isn’t listening to any messages that don’t call for principals, babysitteres, and girl scouts to start carrying guns. Whoa, a completely serious Sip Advisor. I must apologize for that, readers. It won’t happen again.

Subway

The hoagie haven has been busted for serving 11-inch sandwiches instead of the advertised 12-inches. How many more 12-inch sandwiches could have been made with the inch that was missing from every sandwich Subway has sold over the years? That’s an extra bite or two of glorious sandwich goodness and I for one am outraged!!! Apparently, I’m not alone, as there are several pending lawsuits against the chain. It’s hard to believe people would actually file suit over this. Can they claim extreme mental anguish because of the missing inch? Does an extra inch really make the difference (Mrs. Sip says it does). I personally think all the litigants should get paid out in coupons for one-inch subs. There, problem solved!

Victims of Russian Meteorite

Videos of this event have been astonishing viewers for weeks now. The crappiest part, aside from the more than 1,000 injuries, was the sonic boom that shattered so many windows in the area. Daytime temperatures in this part of Russia were only as high as -12-degrees Celsius, so you can assume that a lot of Russkies were freezing their asses off waiting for their insolation from the harsh climate to be restored. At least they have vodka and while it’s been proven to not actually heat a body, it’ll get ya drunk and make it easy for you to fall asleep, regardless of temperature. (Warning: passing out in extreme temperatures may cause frost bite, death, or your buddy to draw fallic symbols on your face).

Woman with Deadly Vagina

An unidentified Brazilian (the place, not the wax job) has been caught trying to kill her husband by putting a poisonous substance on her hoo-ha and demanding her husband pleasure her orally. Given she had recently asked for a divorce, that should have been his first clue to get the fuck outta Dodge. Lucky for our lethario, he has some bloodhound in him and smelled something fishy… and then he smelled something poisonous (*rimshot*).

To top it all off, the woman is being sued by her estranged husband… that’s right, sued… not criminally prosecuted, although sources say that is still a possibility. And we all thought Brazilian fart porn would be the country’s worst export in the sex department. Now we could see a rash of poison vagina murder copycat plots…

Pope Benedict XVI

Shouldn’t the pope be saying that prayer and faith will heal him and help him continue to lead the church? His stepping down due to age and illness (the first pope to resign since Gregory XII in 1415) shows that his election was totally the wrong choice (although he was given 7-1 odds to take the job… do people gamble on the papacy nowadays?). Personally I think the Catholic Church should just select someone young and sexy in its next conclave. Is Justin Bieber available?

2012 Doomsdayers

The fact that we’re all (well, most of us are) still here in 2013 is enough to drive an apocalypse theorist nuts (if they’re not already there). It won’t be long before another theory emerges and these crackpots get back to building their bomb shelters and stocking supplies for the “end of days.” I happen to think that I’d thrive in a post-apocalyptic world. Liquor would be in high demand and if you search my home, that seems to be all I’ve hoarded for emergency purposes!

Drink #57: Life’s A Peach

1 oz Vodka (I used Pinnacle Strawberry-Kiwi)
1 oz Peach Schnapps
Top with Lemonade
Garnish with a real Peach Wedge and a Fuzzy Peach candy

Yes, 2013 has been rough so far for the folks listed above. And to think, we’re only two months deep into the calendar. People still have another 10 months to completely mess up their year and everyone else’s. Never fear, though, my little sippers, I’ll always be here to make things better!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I wasn’t entirely impressed with this cocktail. The Strawberry-Kiwi Vodka disappointed and didn’t blend well with the Peach Schnapps. With the drink done, I went to eat the Peach Wedge and realized, I don’t care much for peaches!

Sip Advisor

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