October 31 – Rigor Mortis

Costume Craziness

Halloween can be a fun time of year. It’s the one day where you can be something you’re not. Good girls can go bad and the living can pretend they’re dead. Even animals can get in on the act! Here are the various costumes I’ve worn over the years:

halloween-costumes-boys-girls

Little Bear

While I don’t recollect this Halloween experience at age 3, I’ve consulted Ma Sip for details of my first Trick or Treat outing. Dressed as a bear (a nice little image for you furry fans out there), the Sip Advisor cried at the first house he was taken to. Then, upon realizing that a simple knock on the door resulted in candy to be giveth, Ma and Pa Sip couldn’t stop this cuddly, maniac bear from hitting every house in the neighbourhood!

Transformer

When I was a wee little sipper, I was a massive fan of the original Transformers cartoon. Pa Sip created a costume for me, so I could be Optimus Prime. Using a large cardboard box painted red and blue, I looked like the leader of the Autobots. One problem: as I showed off my awesome look at pre-school, the box was too big to allow me to sit down and I had to stand most of the day. Even worse, when I first went to hop out of our old 1984 Suburban, I ended up falling, resulting in a turtle-like stranded situation!

Optimus PINT... it could have been so easy for Pa Sip. Hindsight is 20/20!

Optimus PINT… it could have been so easy for Pa Sip. Hindsight is 20/20!

Batman

Cue the Christian Bale voice… “I’m Batman!” Along with Michael Keaton, Val Kilmer, George Clooney, and soon-to-be Ben Affleck, I too played the role of Batman. But my Batman was more of the awesome Adam West variety. Broski Sip was my sidekick as Robin and together, we saved Gotham City from injustice, were rewarded with candy, and broke the hearts of those handing out treats at every door.

Dracula/Frankenstein

In following years, I experimented with the classic monster costumes. It was fun being all painted up to look undead. I’m not sure I ever looked very intimidating… probably more cute than anything else (no surprise there!). I think these are perfect costumes for kids, as it lets them dip their toe into the world of scary looks, without getting too spooky. I suppose nowadays zombies would be a huge hit for little ones and that just continues the legacy.

Zombie-Costume

Road Dogg

When professional wrestling was one of the biggest phenomena’s in the late 90’s, most of my friends went as one of the grapplers. I went as ‘Road Dogg’ Jesse James, with Grandma Sip even knitting me a hair piece, attached to a D-Generation X hat, to capture Road Dogg’s dreadlock look. It was a pretty simple costume because other than that, all I needed was to wear track pants and my D-X t-shirt. Some didn’t get it, but those who did absolutely loved the effort.

Clark Kent/Superman

After a number of years off from Halloween, I was dragged back into the costume hunting experience by Mrs. Sip. We were thinking of doing something related to one another and when Mrs. Sip decided upon going as Supergirl, I had no other choice, but to go as Superman, despite my abhorrence of the character. Trying to steer slightly away from being ‘The Man of Steel’ I grabbed a costume that was more Clark Kent, but you could pull open the shirt and jacket to reveal the iconic Superman logo.

couple-costumes

Couple’s costumes… what a bunch of boobs!

Dr. Howie Feltersnatch

Now going to adult Halloween parties, I was on the prowl for the perfect costume to stir up a little controversy. I settled on a gynecologist outfit and became Dr. Howie Feltersnatch. Go ahead; take a moment to appreciate the finely crafted moniker. With Sookie Stackhouse (aka Mrs. Sip) by my side – with vicious vampire bite and bottle of True Blood – we made a grand entrance… just like the focus of my medical career!

Lady Febreeze

My most recent Halloween misadventure was at Cousin Sip’s party, where guests were challenged to create their own superhero. Mrs. Sip and I came up with the characters The Boozelar (like the Hamburglar, but taking people’s drinks) and Lady Febreeze. Originally, we planned to take our normal gender roles, but decided to swap for effect. Therefore, I showed up wearing a blonde wig, glittered mask, pink bra, hula skirt, glow sticks, and chased people around all night (especially the sneaky Boozelar), squirting them with a water-filled atomizer!

Drink #304: Rigor Mortis

Rigor Mortis Drink Recipe

  • 1.5 oz Cherry Vodka (I used Grey Goose Cherry Noir)
  • 0.75 oz Amaretto
  • Top with half Orange Juice and half Pineapple Juice
  • Dash of Grenadine
  • Garnish with Maraschino Cherry

What are some of your memorable costumes? Happy Halloween everyone and stay safe out there!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
This drink was good, but not as great as I hoped it would be. I didn’t get a taste of the Grey Goose Cherry Noir like I usually do in other cocktails, as it was unfortunately buried under all the other ingredients. Still, it was a relatively tasty mix.

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February 26 – Life’s A Peach

Rough Starts

Sure it’s February and the weather may not be at its best in your neck of the woods. Maybe you’ve caught a winter flu or cold bug (like Mrs. Sip passed along to your friendly neighbourhood liquor slinger). But hey, things could be worse. You could be one of these people, having a not-so-peachy start to 2013:

Lance Armstrong

Lancelot finally revealed what made him so “Livestrong” en route to winning seven Tour de France titles. With his image tarnished, all the good he ever did for cancer research and being an inspiration to cancer victims and their families has been tossed out the window along with his legacy in cycling. At least he hooked up with Cheryl Crow… that you can never take away from the man.

Nike Slogan

Oscar Pistorius

The ‘Blade Runner’ went from hero to zero in South Africa (and around the world) when he killed his girlfriend, model Reeva Steenkamp. Pistorius shot Steenkamp four times, claiming he mistook her for a robber. Guess when you hear someone burgling your precious toiletries it’s better to shoot four times through the locked bathroom door first and let the jury ponder questions of self-defence later. The only person involved in the case with perhaps an even less peachy time of it than Pistorius is the chief investigating officer, Hilton Botha, who managed to botch most of the initial investigation. But hey, it’s really hard to get your investigation details right when your mind is probably on your own upcoming charge of attempted murder, right Mr. Botha?

National Rifle Association

Speaking of gun violence, with all the recent incidents in the United States, the NRA is really under fire. How the NRA continues to push their pro-weapon message, in spite of all the school shootings, mall massacres, and other tragedies is beyond this simple Canadian boy. It’s sad that it seems there needs to be even more unnecessary killings in order to finally get the message across. Then again, if the past is any indication, the NRA isn’t listening to any messages that don’t call for principals, babysitteres, and girl scouts to start carrying guns. Whoa, a completely serious Sip Advisor. I must apologize for that, readers. It won’t happen again.

Subway

The hoagie haven has been busted for serving 11-inch sandwiches instead of the advertised 12-inches. How many more 12-inch sandwiches could have been made with the inch that was missing from every sandwich Subway has sold over the years? That’s an extra bite or two of glorious sandwich goodness and I for one am outraged!!! Apparently, I’m not alone, as there are several pending lawsuits against the chain. It’s hard to believe people would actually file suit over this. Can they claim extreme mental anguish because of the missing inch? Does an extra inch really make the difference (Mrs. Sip says it does). I personally think all the litigants should get paid out in coupons for one-inch subs. There, problem solved!

Subway Sandwich

Victims of Russian Meteorite

Videos of this event have been astonishing viewers for weeks now. The crappiest part, aside from the more than 1,000 injuries, was the sonic boom that shattered so many windows in the area. Daytime temperatures in this part of Russia were only as high as -12-degrees Celsius, so you can assume that a lot of Russkies were freezing their asses off waiting for their insolation from the harsh climate to be restored. At least they have vodka and while it’s been proven to not actually heat a body, it’ll get ya drunk and make it easy for you to fall asleep, regardless of temperature. (Warning: passing out in extreme temperatures may cause frost bite, death, or your buddy to draw fallic symbols on your face).

Woman with Deadly Vagina

An unidentified Brazilian (the place, not the wax job) has been caught trying to kill her husband by putting a poisonous substance on her hoo-ha and demanding her husband pleasure her orally. Given she had recently asked for a divorce, that should have been his first clue to get the fuck outta Dodge. Lucky for our lethario, he has some bloodhound in him and smelled something fishy… and then he smelled something poisonous (*rimshot*).

To top it all off, the woman is being sued by her estranged husband… that’s right, sued… not criminally prosecuted, although sources say that is still a possibility. And we all thought Brazilian fart porn would be the country’s worst export in the sex department. Now we could see a rash of poison vagina murder copycat plots…

Poison Woman

Pope Benedict XVI

Shouldn’t the pope be saying that prayer and faith will heal him and help him continue to lead the church? His stepping down due to age and illness (the first pope to resign since Gregory XII in 1415) shows that his election was totally the wrong choice (although he was given 7-1 odds to take the job… do people gamble on the papacy nowadays?). Personally I think the Catholic Church should just select someone young and sexy in its next conclave. Is Justin Bieber available?

2012 Doomsdayers

The fact that we’re all (well, most of us are) still here in 2013 is enough to drive an apocalypse theorist nuts (if they’re not already there). It won’t be long before another theory emerges and these crackpots get back to building their bomb shelters and stocking supplies for the “end of days.” I happen to think that I’d thrive in a post-apocalyptic world. Liquor would be in high demand and if you search my home, that seems to be all I’ve hoarded for emergency purposes!

Drink #57: Life’s A Peach

Life's a Peach Drink

  • 1 oz Vodka (I used Pinnacle Strawberry-Kiwi)
  • 1 oz Peach Schnapps
  • Top with Lemonade
  • Garnish with a real Peach Wedge and a Fuzzy Peach candy

Yes, 2013 has been rough so far for the folks listed above. And to think, we’re only two months deep into the calendar. People still have another 10 months to completely mess up their year and everyone else’s. Never fear, though, my little sippers, I’ll always be here to make things better!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I wasn’t entirely impressed with this cocktail. The Strawberry-Kiwi Vodka disappointed and didn’t blend well with the Peach Schnapps. With the drink done, I went to eat the Peach Wedge and realized, I don’t care much for peaches!

February 5 – Tequila Fizz

Party People

The Tequila Fizz seems like a fun drink to have at a shindig. That said, do you want to play a game (in my best Jigsaw voice)? Okay, you’re planning an epic night of boozing. You can invite anyone in the universe… who would be on your guest list? Here’s who would be receiving a save-the-date from The Sip Advisor!

Andre the Giant

The drinking exploits of this 7’5″, 500-pound badass are legendary. The “8th Wonder of the World” could drink anyone under the table, so unless you are one part Irish, one part German, and two parts tree shrew, don’t even bother challenging him. He had been known to drink 156 beers in one sitting and 16 bottles of wine before wrestling three matches without showing signs of inebriation. With every group, it’s always good to have an intimidating force to back up the boys who may step out of line and cause some trouble. Andre would be that force and these next guys would be causing the mayhem…

Andre the Giant

That’s Andre’s hand wrapped around a beer can!

The Jackass Gang

You’d likely end up with some bumps and bruises, but you’d sure have a lot of fun in the process. Johnny Knoxville and company are the kings of getting into sticky situations. Thankfully, for their own wellbeing, a lot of these guys have taking the effort to sober up in recent years. That may mean a little less craziness, but these guys toned down are like normal people going on a bender.

John ‘Bluto’ Blutarsky

Bluto was like a one-man wrecking ball, destroying everything in his path. Of course, his best scene in Animal House is the cafeteria food fight, which begins with him loading up his plate with a mess of different items. This was all improv by Belushi and is a classic film moment. It is on my bucket list to be involved in a food fight and Bluto might be the man to facilitate that.

John-Bluto-Blutarsky

Slimer

He may not look like much, but Slimer is a good dude, with a heart of gold. Slimer would be junior vice-president of snacks and as long as he kept the unit’s supply of licorice, sour crème and onion chips, chocolate-covered peanuts and raisins and cookies well-stocked, he’d get top marks in my book. It’s been pointed out to me that Slimer might eat all our snacks, himself, but I trust the green glob.

Harry T. Stone

The jokester judge would be fun to have along for the ride and it might not be a bad idea to have a man of the court in our back pocket given the collection of rascals I’m assembling.

The Electric Mayhem

Who wouldn’t want to invite friends to a party who would jam to some awesome tunes, bring with them the rock n’ roll lifestyle, yet are soft as sock puppets? Anywhere we travelled, these guys could set their stuff up, play a few numbers and earn the crew some free drinks… maybe even some Muppet strange (they must have groupies, right!?). The best part is that we’d always have good music while we were partying to excess.

Electric Mayhem

Hamburglar

Anyone who has a penchant for stealing burgers is on my A-list. Although, he did get caught a lot and his communication skills don’t seem very adequate. Perhaps will leave him in the car with the next member of our soiree…

Lindsay Lohan

Lastly, Li-Lo gets an e-vite, but only as the groups designated driver, of course!

Drink #36: Tequila Fizz

Tequila Fizz Drink Recipe

  • 1.5 oz Tequila
  • Splash of Lemon Juice
  • Splash of Grenadine
  • Dash of Egg Whites
  • Top with Cranberry Ginger Ale

Mix all the ingredients, except the ginger ale, together in a shaker, pour into a Collins glass and then top with the pop. Who would you party with if you could choose anyone in the world? Let me know and maybe your clique can have a dance-off with me and the rest of The Revolution!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
It’s funny how much foam the Egg White created in this cocktail. Not a bad recipe here, but I’d love to try it without the Grenadine, which I feel can bog down some drinks.