April 30 – Income Tax Cocktail

We Hate Your Job

It’s tax season, which always brings to mind how much we hate the government getting its grubby hands into our pockets and taking what is rightfully ours for useless things such as healthcare and schools. Pssh, who needs those, right? Well, I for one, hope that everyone gets a decent tax return which they can invest in liquor libations! Here are some other professions we can hate all year round:

Tax Agents

Whether it’s the IRS in the United States, CRS in Canada, or whatever it is in your neck of the woods, everyone hates the taxman. The Beatles summed-up this venomous attitude very well in their 1966 hit Taxman, singing “Should five per cent appear too small, Be thankful I don’t take it all.” How much do we hate paying our taxes? World Wrestling Entertainment even featured an evil tax agent as a character from 1991 to 1995. His name: Irwin R. Schyster… get it? IRS! Oh, those creative writers!

IRS

If you don’t pay your taxes, you’re gonna get an ass whooping!

Telemarketers

The thing that pisses me off the most about telemarketers and door-to-door salesmen and the like, is that they have this innate ability to know when you will be most irritated with their interruption and that’s when they choose to contact you. This annoyance can also come in the form of unsolicited mail, which just wastes your time to open, process, and shred.

Lawyers

Liar, lawyer… what’s the difference? I have to tread carefully around this entry, as not only is Mrs. Sip a practicing family law lawyer, but by proxy, a lot of our friends are practitioners as well. One wrong word and I’ll receive a formal notice informing me that I’ll be sleeping on the couch for a week. Have it your way, baby!

(Used) Car Salesmen

No matter how nice they may seem, we must always be leery of the greedy, underhanded, (used) car salesman. So many things can go wrong in buying a new or used car from getting a lemon to being cheated on price and other details. The whole industry is a little dubious as far as I have seen and I will avoid it like a plague.

I want to buy a car off of this dude!

I want to buy a car off of this dude!

Politicians

I personally dislike all politicians. I have no allegiance to any party or denomination and I fully intend on keeping it that way. I don’t even like talking politics and feel it should be banned from all dinner settings. That said, I believe I have a number of great ideas on how to change this place for the better and I hereby announce my candidacy in the upcoming election.

Parking Enforcers

We’ve all been there before. You’re two minutes late getting back to your car after your meter has run out and yet there’s already a ticket freshly placed on your windshield with no soul in sight to indicate who wrote it. They are like ghosts that vanish the moment they have ruined your day. That said, I’ve never had to pay a single parking ticket (not that I’m building a collection) and have been able to talk my way out of the couple violations left on my vehicle.

Tow Truck Operators

In a similar vein to parking enforcers, tow truck operators seem to prey on their next targets, just waiting for someone to slip up, even innocently, so they can get their next pick-up and meet their quota. A few TV shows have tried to show us that tow operators aren’t so bad, but the perception is a very tough one to improve.

Drink #120: Income Tax Cocktail

Income Tax Martini

  • 1.5 oz Gin (I used Beefeater)
  • 0.75 oz Dry Vermouth
  • 0.75 oz Sweet Vermouth
  • Splash of Orange Juice
  • Dashes of Angostura Bitters
  • Garnish with an Orange Twist

I’m just happy that bartender has to be one of the highest-ranked jobs on the list of jobs people adore. After all, we are responsible for helping you all get your buzz on and forget your troubles!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (2.5 Sips out of 5):
There wasn’t much of a taste to this drink. I’m not sure if that’s because the Dry and Sweet Vermouth cancel each other out or because the other ingredients are so minimal that they don’t make much of a difference to the overall flavour. I’m a little flummoxed on this one, but at least it wasn’t bad.

March 14 – Monkey Gland

Monkeying Around

You may not have noticed by now, but I kind of love monkeys. Along with kittens and potato chips, monkeys have made frequent guest appearances in blog posts. Even after a group of monkeys assaulted me and viciously violated me while on vacation in Indonesia, I still have a massive respect for the creatures. After all, I was guilty of holding a bag of peanuts that they wanted (that’s right elephants, peanuts are not just for you!). Thank god I had a little Indonesian woman to protect me by shooing them away with her sandal. I beg forgiveness my simian friends. Without further ado, are some of my favourite primates:

George – Curious George

You’d think with all the trouble George gets into that the Man in the Yellow Hat would send the little guy packing. And what was up with that Man in the Yellow Hat anyways? Doesn’t he realize how ridiculous he looks? Looks like a freakin’ banana if you ask me (and I know you do). No wonder Curious George was so troublesome, it was probably the result of slow psychotic breakdown from having to live with a giant talking banana. Curious George should just try to eat him sometime.

Curious George

Abu – Aladdin

I often dress my kitty sidekick, Furious B, in Abu’s trademark fez hat and vest. It may result in numerous scratches and one pissed off pussy, but it’s worth it for the half second I can see him clothed before he runs and hides behind the couch and pees on my DVDs.

Mr. Teeny – The Simpsons

The roller-skating, cigar-smoking chimp and sidekick to Krusty the Clown, has lived a life few monkeys have the opportunity to. It is one of celebrity, which comes with good and bad. Hell, I’d be Krusty’s subordinate if it meant an increase in pay and getting to wear a bowtie… even if Krusty has plans to take one of Teeny’s lungs should he ever need a replacement.

Evil Monkey – Family Guy

We later learn that this monkey isn’t so evil after all. He’s actually a nice, mild-mannered being who was just down on his luck (his monkey wife had cheated on him) and found a home in Chris Griffin’s closet. If my wife cheated on me with a monkey, I’d just be crossing my fingers that it turned into a threesome.

Donkey Kong

Originally a villain, Donkey Kong worked his way into the hearts of gamers by barrel blasting and enemy bopping his way through King K. Rool’s gang of baddies. It turns out he just wants his god damn bananas back. Poor guy has to deal with a serious potassium deficiency!

Donkey Kong

King Louie – Jungle Book and Tale Spin

This orangutan sure knows how to party. His joint is always swinging with song and merriment, especially when he and best friend Baloo were given new life in the 90’s cartoon Tale Spin. In that series, he became the owner of Louie’s Place, a tropical bar, which this Sip Advisor aspires to one day track down and go to work there.

Monkey Talents

Whether it’s the air duct-invading monkey (Community), the cigarette-smoking, drug-dealing monkey (The Hangover 2), the skeleton monkey (Pirates of the Caribbean) or any other simian performer, they’re all good in my books.

Phonics Monkey – South Park

Oh my god, he killed Kenny… you bastard!

Drink #73: Monkey Gland

Monkey Gland Cocktail

  • 1.5 oz Gin (I used Beefeater)
  • 0.5 oz Absinthe
  • Top with Orange Juice
  • Dash of Grenadine
  • Garnish with Orange Zest

Monkeys and their distant relatives are awesome… there’s even a gorilla in San Francisco that has a thing for breasts. And yet some people still don’t believe in evolution! Let’s not forget the Ikea Monkey (now somehow available on Twitter), whose winter coat made us all melt.

Ikea Monkey

 

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
I’d love to know why this drink is called Monkey Gland. Regardless, the cocktail was decent and one in which I actually enjoyed Orange Juice. I like how the Orange Twist came across too, as it looks more like a Blood Orange, when it wasn’t.