April 9 – Toucan

Posted on April 9, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Angry Advisor

Let’s see: coffee drinkers… check; religious zealots… check; birds… hmmm, haven’t ranted on that yet!

I hate birds. Just downright don’t like them. All they do is poop on people… I should know, their bombs have struck me twice in my life and that’s something you just don’t forget.

Not to mention Mrs. Sip and I currently have a bird infestation on the balcony of our place. When we first moved in, a bird had made a nest on the ground of the balcony and we had a baby pigeon. Not realizing what a mess that would turn out to be, we named it Baby Buster and then ignored the problem for several months. Before we knew it, our balcony became a shelter for the stupid creatures who completely ignored the wooden owl that’s supposed to scare them away. And once again an owl has failed me.

Now, it looks like a war zone of bird crap out there. So much so, that we are afraid to open that sliding door, even on the hottest summer days, fearing that we could be breathing in toxins from these vermin. Stupid birds.

Even birds seem to hate other birds. They seem to fight more than warring homeless people.

And it’s not just real birds that piss me off. Animated ones draw my ire, too. Tweety: stupid and annoying. The Roadrunner: stupid and annoying. Woody Woodpecker: stupid and annoying. Sorry about that, the adjective generator in my brain was overloaded the other day and the repair guys are supposed to show up sometime between 9am and 5pm today.

To be fair, I respect the poke playing hawks in the new Old Spice deodorant commercial, but that’s only because I fear them as well. Ducks (Donald, Scrooge, Daffy) and penguins (Opus, Chilly Willy, Wheezy) get a pass because they entertain me. And surprisingly, I do love me some Angry Birds (there’s something so satisfying seeing birds get launched into objects and the resulting mass destruction!).

I cheer when Peter Griffin fights the giant angry chicken. I cry every time Tweety and The Roadrunner get the better of Sylvester J. Pussycat and Wile E. Coyote, respectively, and my blood pressure rises every time I’m woken up by the cooing of a filthy bird on my balcony.

In closing, I am taking steps forward in organizing the Anti-Bird Movement (apparently I’m not alone). Our offices will be located in the Swiss Alps, so high in altitude that birds cannot find us and therefore we need not worry about their poop, their weird birdy noises, or their ability to steal French fries. While this drink may have been enjoyable, I’m feel great shame and sadness every time I make a drink that is bird-related. On the plus side, once you slam this cocktail, that’s one less feathered fiend in existence.

Drink #99: Toucan

1 oz Malibu Rum
1 oz Peach Schnapps
Top with half Orange Juice and half Lemon-Lime Soda
Garnish with an Orange Slice covered in Coconut Shavings

Tomorrow marks our 100th post here at The Sip Advisor. I hope you’ll join us, as we look back at the first 100 days of this drinking challenge, through wild recipes, insane garnishes and wonderful time spent together.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I may be guilty of kind of screwing this one up. Despite using Orange Juice, I was surprised to see how clear the drink was. After photos and drinking, I realized that I forgot to shake the OJ and that was why it was so clear. It still tasted decent, so I guess the essence of Orange Juice is good for something.

March 26 – The Crush

Posted on March 26, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Sir Mix-A-Lot

I like to think of myself as an equal opportunity mixer and that is why I love playing with ingredients that don’t often get placed into cocktail recipes. Here are some of my favourites to work with and some I have yet to try, but am itching to crack open!:

Root Beer

My first favourite pop when I was a wee lad, I still enjoy root beer and now I can take that love to a whole ‘nutha level with my cocktail mixing. Root beer adds a different flavour to recipes, compared to other dark pops. The hint of vanilla can be a very nice touch and add a twist to any number of drinks. Barq’s, A&W, Mug… it don’t matter which one you’re using. They’re all good around these parts; just make sure to practice safe mixing.

Apple-Lime Juice

This has got to be one of my favourite grocery store finds in recent years. Every single drink I make with this juice turns out amazing. This all coming from a guy who used to be completely friends-off with apple juice after medicine I was once given to knock me out looked like apple juice, smelled like apple juice, but brother, it wasn’t apple juice. That reminds me, I need to grab another carton of this elixir!

Cream Soda

Imagine my surprise when I bought a can of Fanta cream soda recently and it came out clear. Thinking that my vision had finally quit on me after years of television and computer screens (plus the aforementioned drinking problem), I checked with Mrs. Sip to see if this was actually the case. I had expected the usual pink colour that accompanies cream soda, but this new clear look can be a good thing. It means that there is an option if you want the flavour, but not the colour. So, be careful if you want to make a pink-coloured drink to get cream soda that is actually dyed this hue.

My boys Ernie and Bert enjoy a cream soda… this could have been a telling sign, if you catch my drift…

Orange Crush

I’m shocked that orange-flavoured sodas don’t get used in more drinks. By comparison, one bartending website has 86 recipes for orange soda (and very few that actually interested this Sip Advisor), while there are a whopping 2,360 concoctions featuring orange juice. Today’s drink is an original recipe, which I hope you’ll all enjoy… I know I did.

Watermelon Juice

I have a can of Arizona watermelon juice that I’m just dying to experiment with. I love watermelon and cry on a daily basis when it’s out of season as I go through watermelon withdrawal. Sure you can still get your hands on the juicy fruit (not the gum), but you’ll probably pay an arm and a leg for it and good luck making drinks hopping around the bar with one hand to hold the shaker. What will I make with this juice… stay tuned to find out!

Drink #85: The Crush (An Original Sip Advisor Recipe)

1.5 oz Wiser’s Spiced Whiskey
0.5 oz Peach Schnapps
Top with Orange Crush (or other Orange Soda)
Garnish with Orange Slice

Perhaps we should hold a reader vote to find out which rare mixer I use next… I welcome your comments, although I’ll likely just go ahead and pick a winner on my own volition!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
Using Orange Crush for cocktails has rekindled my love for this type of soda. Here, it tasted well with the Peach Schnapps and Spiced Whiskey and I’m glad I thought of combining the three ingredients. Definitely one for fans of the hue.

March 22 – Southern Frost

Posted on March 22, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Meteoro-losers

Straight up: I hate weathermen, weather reports, weather gossip, weather channels, weather balloons, weather vanes (also hilariously known as weather cocks), and generally anything else having to do with weather reporting or prediction.

Mrs. Sip, on the other hand, is always updating me on what the weather will be like where we live and most frustratingly, what it will be like during our next vacation destination a month before we’re set to be there (I think this trait is hereditary, so hopefully it’s not passed down to our children… *shudder* children). Weather guys and gals can’t even get their forecasts right the day of, so how the hell can they accurately predict what the weather will be like a month ahead of time?

In any other industry, if you were wrong more than half the time, you would be fired and never work in that field again. For some reason, meteorologists get a pass and I’m not cool with that. But what’s more bizarre is that WE KEEP LISTENING TO THEM! (And I obviously do not include myself in that “we” because I’m clearly in the small percentage of the population who has leveled up and evolved beyond weather reporting).

I say the only way to check the weather is to look out your own window and examine what the sky is doing at that present time. If you live in a stable environment, then this should be all you need to do for weeks at a time. I live in a volatile, urban, rainforest (kind of wish I lived in the Rainforest Cafe), where you can have multiple weather patterns in a single day. Still, the check-out-your-window process works fine for me.

I think a fitting punishment for all weathermen would be for them to be sucked into their own green screens and be mauled by the various monsters that have come to life thanks to CGI special effects. The hotties that are put into the role of weatherwomen, regardless of education and training, can be spared, provided they perform their duties in the buff, going forward. Now there are some chances of precipitation I can get behind!

I can’t believe there’s a whole channel dedicated to weather. What do I care if it’s snowing in Eastern Canada or if there’s a heat wave in Dubai? The Weather Channel should be turned into another sports channel, giving airtime to games like Dodge Ball, Ultimate Frisbee, and Hackeysacking. It could be called ESPN Stoner and it would be a haven for advertisers like Doritos, Taco Bell, Pizza Hut and Red Bull (I may have said too much now. I call dibs on the sports channel idea).

Back to weather reports, I think we can all agree that it only provides entertainment to seniors and for that reason alone, I suppose we can allow it to continually exist. I have great respect for our elders and I want them to enjoy a happy retirement and twilight years… they’ve earned it. *Sniff* Now I’m getting all emotional. Let’s get on with today’s drink.

Drink #81: Southern Frost

1.5 oz Southern Comfort
Top with half Cranberry Juice and half Ginger Ale
Garnish with an Orange Slice and a Raspberry

Quite frankly, the only weather phenomena I want to hear about is one that I can drink. At least it will help me get through the daily weather report. God speed!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
While the drink tasted great, I was especially happy with the garnish job I put together. I’ve found Southern Comfort to be a really solid liquor contribution and the combo of Cranberry Juice and Ginger Ale works really well together.

February 1 – The Preacher

Posted on February 1, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Losing My Religion

The first month of the 365-day challenge here at The Sip Advisor is in the books and what a month it was. We had visitors from all around the world and had fun taking shots at everyone from the entire east coast of North America, to couples choosing terrible baby names, to fellas looking for love in all the wrong places.

Today, in theme with the featured cocktail, I will look at some of the craziest religions out there. I have various beliefs and my own code that I follow (not a Dexter-like serial killer code, of course), but I’m not religious in any way. If you believe in something, than you have every right to. I just find these factions to be a little too far out there for my own liking.

Pentecostal Snake Handlers

Like the great intellectual, daring, and handsome hero Indiana Jones, I have no weaknesses… except snakes… god I hate snakes. So, given that I also don’t like church, it seems like two strikes to combine the two to form a religion and the third strike comes when you learn that the founder of the modern movement (among other leaders and parishioners) died from a venomous bite. There’s even a court case from Alabama (big surprise there), in 1991, where a pastor was convicted of attempted murder and sentenced to 99 years in prison after he forced his wife to put her hand in a tank filled with rattlesnakes. Divorce (of snakes?) was forbidden by his church, so this was his bright idea as to how he could get out of the marriage. Snakes on a Plane would have been a drastically shorter movie if it had taken place in a church full of religious zealots and I can just see Samuel L. Jackson: “I have had it with these motherfuckin’ snakes in this motherfuckin’ church.” Famous Follower: Moe Szyslak (The Simpsons)

Mormonism

They don’t drink. Period. I am down with having multiple wives taking care of me, though, minus the multiple children I would have to take care of. Famous Follower: Mitt Romney (U.S. Presidential Candidate)

Scientology

Any religion that’s origin starts with the words “Galactic Confederacy”, “alien ruler”, and hell, “spacecraft” are hard to take seriously. If you want to see a good tearing apart of Scientology, watch any episode of South Park that deals with the religion. They even angered one of their own voice talents (Isaac Hayes, who voiced Chef), who ended up quitting the show, despite the fact the animated comedy rips on every single religion at one time or another. Famous follower: While many Hollywood stars are members of the Church of Scientology, perhaps to gain connections in the industry, Tom Cruise is far and above the most recognized face of the religion and has seen his own career (and possibly marriage, too) take major damage as a result of his devotion.

Raëlians

Another faith that has its origins in alien beliefs. These people use the swastika as a symbol of peace… oh yeah, that’s going to go over really well. Then they have the gull to ask for territory in Israel to put an embassy for extra-terrestrials (and we’re not talking about the bicycle flying, Reese’s Pieces eating type)… even I know that’s beyond stupid… and I wrote the book on stupid. It’s called The Idiot’s Guide to Being an Idiot by The Sip Advisor. However, I will give them credit for their belief that women should be able to go as topless as men can. Equality for all, right? Famous Follower: Rael’s Girls posed for an October 2004 spread in Playboy magazine.

Pastafarians

Hulk Hogan once ran a restaurant called Pastamania, but I don’t think even he showed such high praise and devotion to pasta, like these folks do. These peeps aren’t that bad, though, preferring to take a light-hearted view towards religion. Amongst their beliefs are that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe after drinking heavily (really sounds like my type of deity), that pirates are divine beings and that every Friday is a holy day. Wow, where do I sign up? Famous Follower: One site I was reading said Jesus Christ was a Pastafarian… I should really find more reliable sources!

Church of Euthanasia

My main issue with this group is how can the church exist when the followers advocate that people kill themselves? It seems a little oxymoronic that they hold events like any other church, but if they truly follow what they believe, then shouldn’t they all be dead? Their gripe is with the overpopulation of the earth and therefore they advocate suicide, abortion, cannibalism (only of already dead people, duh!) and sodomy (because it doesn’t result in procreation) . Now I’m listening! Famous Follower: If I listed someone here, would they have to kill themselves? In that case, I pick Elmo.

Jehovah’s Witnesses

You don’t believe in birthdays and Christmas??? Fuck it, I’m out! No further discussion… I’m out. Famous Follower: Toss up between Michael Jackson and Lark Voorhees (Saved by the Bell)… gotta give it to Lark!

I can’t even begin to delve into the cults and religions based on race that exist in the world. My head is spinning from all the information I’ve already had to research. Let’s just get on with the drink o’ the day!

Drink #32: The Preacher

1.5 oz Spiced Rum (I used Kraken Black Spiced Rum)
0.5 oz Amaretto
Top with Cranberry Gingerale
Garnish with Orange slice

For those who want to subscribe to The Church of Sip, we convene every single day here. We will exercise your demons and get you drunk while doing so. Amen!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (5 Sips out of 5):
Cranberry Ginger Ale has to be one of my favourite finds throughout this project. Then you add Kraken Black Spiced Rum and Amaretto and you have the makings of an amazing cocktail.

January 28 – Harvey Wallbanger

Posted on January 28, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

The Un-Authorized Biography of Harvard Wallbanger

When I was doing some research on this drink (fully expecting a number of pornographic sites to come up), I took note that the story of how the drink was created was a little open-ended. Some say it was invented purely by accident, at a party where the cocktail’s ingredients were all that was available. Other’s attribute it to various bartenders throughout the United States. Well, I’ve stumbled upon the E! True Mixology Story (National Treasure investigative style) and today, I will share that tale with you (note: the following is 100% completely and utterly possibly true or false).

Harvey Wallbanger grew up in the Midwest United States during the 1930’s. He came from a family of modest means, suffering through the depression. Despite one unfortunate incident involving a wagon, a pig, and the neighbour’s daughter, Harvey had a happy childhood and had what many would describe as an upbeat, glass-half-full personality. And by glass-half-full, I don’t mean that he was a booze hound or anything, he was just a decent dude is all.

When our young hero left home at the age of 18, he had a hard time finding full-time employment. He worked one odd job after another, until work seemingly dried up. Down on his luck, Harvey was living in a homeless shelter. All he had to his name was a cheap bottle of vodka he stole from a fellow vagrant (oh I’m sorry, were you not picturing our young Harvey as a thief? Because in truth he was a bit of a kleptomaniac) and a juice box of orange juice he was handed at his soup kitchen (yes, smart ass there were juice boxes in the 1950’s… it’s a little known fact that all good soup kitchens had time machines back in those days, before Communist spies stole but inadvertently destroyed the technology, some time during the 60’s). Harvey went into a back alley behind the shelter and poured a Styrofoam cup half full of the vodka, topping the drink with the juice. This was, he decided, to be his last drink before he would end it all.

Then, almost as if from the heavens, fell a small bottle of Galliano (a sweet, vanilla-flavoured liqueur). Where it came from will forever be a mystery, but the yellow liquid inside seamed to shine for him in the darkness of the poorly lit backstreet. “Why not?” Harvey thought, as he added a splash of the Galliano to his mix. He took a sip and was astonished at how good the cocktail tasted. Harvey picked himself up, dusted himself off, gulped down the rest of his new creation and declared to himself that his life truly began that day.

Harvey went on to sell his new drink recipe to as many local establishments as he could. Once he had exhausted that market, he went national. This explains why all these different bartenders are credited with inventing the cocktail.

With his life now back in order, Harvey finally found love and went on to enjoy a prosperous and soul-destroying urban existence, filled with a beautiful wife, kids, and a white-picket fence (rather like that depressing movie, Revolutionary Road) .

And it is with great pleasure that I reveal that I am one of Harvard Wallbanger’s great-great grandchildren, twice removed. So whoever is responsible for the massive Wallbanger fortune, you know where to find me to send my share!

Drink #28: Harvey Wallbanger

1.5 oz Vodka
Top with Orange Juice
Float 1 oz Galliano on top of the drink
Garnish with orange slice and Maraschino cherry

If you would like to send me money (someone has to, right?) for the rights to this inspiring tale or be my rich benefactor, helping me produce a blockbuster of epic proportions, just let me know. I can totally see it winning an Oscar one day for best adapted screenplay!

Sip Adviosr Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
For a legendary drink, I was kind of disappointed. I’ve found myself not really enjoying Orange Juice-based cocktails recently. Each sip just feels a little heavier than I would like. Perhaps I should look into a different OJ for future blends. The floated Galliano was very nice, however.

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