December 12 – Candy Cane

12 Days of Christmas

While the Sip Advisor is doubling the efforts of everyone out there and offering 25 days of Christmas rather than a paltry 12, one would have to admit that the damn 12 Days of Christmas song can really get stuck in your head. Upon reviewing the lyrics, I’ve decided to give each item listed in the tune a patron saint. So, let’s warm up our vocal chords and run the gauntlet!

12 Drummers Drumming – Animal from The Muppets

One of my favourite percussion artists of all-time and star of The Electric Mayhem (perhaps the greatest band name in the history of music!), Animal knows how to work the skins and cymbals. His trademark wild behaviour makes him a perfect addition to this menagerie of fascinating characters.

animal drums

11 Pipers Piping – ‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper

One of professional wrestling’s best bad guys, Roddy Piper knew how to ignite hatred within fans. He was the perfect mix of cocky, dastardly, and vicious, earning his way into the hearts of millions of fans worldwide.

10 Lords-a-Leaping – Michael Flatley

Whatever happened to this guy? He was the Lord of the Dance… and surely that included much leaping. Apaprently, Flatley is living the good life in Beverly Hills, probably creeping on all the 90210 teenagers and throwing around his millions of dollars.

9 Ladies Dancing – Jennifer Grey

You should never put Baby in a corner and I refuse to do so, as well. One would hope that if Jennifer Grey accepted this honourable position, that she’d bring the spirit of Patrick Swayze along with her and they could perform their hit numbers from Dirty Dancing.

dirty dancing

8 Maids-a-Milking – The Octomom

You’d have to assume that the poor woman went through sheer agony over having to breast feed all eight of her newborns. Let’s just hope her jugs didn’t end up looking as disgusting as her pregnant alien-like belly did.

7 Swans-a-Swimming – Michael Phelps

I briefly considered Natalie Portman for this position, based on her role in Black Swan, but there are other positions I’d rather have her fill! Instead, Michael Phelps gets the part thanks to being the greatest swimmer this world has ever seen. 22 Olympic medals don’t lie, folks.

6 Geese-a-Laying – Anthony Edwards

While I hope to never see Anthony Edwards actually lay an egg, he gets the nod in this category as a result of playing Nick “Goose” Bradshaw in the 1986 classic, Top Gun. He was Tom Cruise’s greatest inspiration before Scientology rolled around and brainwashed the star.

duck-duck-goose-topgun

5 Gold Rings – Mr. T

Thanks to all the jewelry Mr. T is usually rocking, he’d be perfect for this role. And why can Mr. T get away with wearing so many valuable? Because no one would ever mess with the guy. Even at the age of 61, I know for a fact that he would kick my ass… that’s not saying much, but you have to credit the guy for still being a BA badass.

4 Colly Birds – Paul McCartney

I didn’t even know what a colly bird was and apparently it’s nothing exciting. It’s a common blackbird (that’s what they’re actually called) and so I add sainthood to sir Paul McCartney’s long list of accolades. He wrote the Beatles classic Blackbird and seems to understand the fowl best.

3 French Hens – Brigitte Bardot

This broad was quite the looker in her younger days. At age 79, Bardot seems to have gone a little nutty, but it’s hard to tell as that seems to be a typical personality trait for the French. Still, anyone who posed for Playboy to celebrate their own 40th birthday is rockin’ it in my books.

brigitte_bardot

Where the hell is that phone hooked up???

2 Turtle Doves – Turtle from Entourage

Wait, a turtle dove is a bird… what the hell? Half of this song is about gifts of birds… I don’t want any damn birds. I’m trying to rid the world of these vermin. I still pick Turtle because he’ll at least bring a party atmosphere to the organization.

And a Partridge in a Pear Tree – Danny Bonaduce

Surely, with all the drugs and crazy antics Danny Bonaduce has gotten up to in his life, the former Partridge Family child star has awoken to find himself nestled in a pear tree on at least one occasion. Rock on, you crazy ginger!

Drink #346: Candy Cane

Candy Cane Drink Recipe

  • Rim glass with Crushed Peppermint
  • 0.75 Peppermint Schnapps
  • 0.75 Vodka
  • 0.75 Crème de Cacao
  • Dash of Grenadine
  • Top with Milk
  • Splash of Club Soda
  • Garnish with a Candy Cane

Do you have any issues with my patron saint selections? I’m willing to listen to ideas for other candidates and if you sway me with a sound argument, I just may give you some credit. Ready, set, go!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I liked this martini, despite how much of a pain it is to produce Crushed Candy Cane bits for the rim. I made quite the mess putting that element together. The drink completely tasted like a Candy Cane and was quite enjoyable.

February 1 – The Preacher

Losing My Religion

The first month of the 365-day challenge here at The Sip Advisor is in the books and what a month it was. We had visitors from all around the world and had fun taking shots at everyone from the entire east coast of North America, to couples choosing terrible baby names, to fellas looking for love in all the wrong places.

Today, in theme with the featured cocktail, I will look at some of the craziest religions out there. I have various beliefs and my own code that I follow (not a Dexter-like serial killer code, of course), but I’m not religious in any way. If you believe in something, than you have every right to. I just find these factions to be a little too far out there for my own liking.

Snake handler

Pentecostal Snake Handlers

Like the great intellectual, daring, and handsome hero Indiana Jones, I have no weaknesses… except snakes… god I hate snakes. So, given that I also don’t like church, it seems like two strikes to combine the two to form a religion and the third strike comes when you learn that the founder of the modern movement (among other leaders and parishioners) died from a venomous bite. There’s even a court case from Alabama (big surprise there), in 1991, where a pastor was convicted of attempted murder and sentenced to 99 years in prison after he forced his wife to put her hand in a tank filled with rattlesnakes. Divorce (of snakes?) was forbidden by his church, so this was his bright idea as to how he could get out of the marriage.  Snakes on a Plane would have been a drastically shorter movie if it had taken place in a church full of religious zealots and I can just see Samuel L. Jackson: “I have had it with these motherfuckin’ snakes in this motherfuckin’ church.” Famous Follower: Moe Szyslak (The Simpsons)

Mormonism

They don’t drink. Period. I am down with having multiple wives taking care of me, though, minus the multiple children I would have to take care of. Famous Follower: Mitt Romney (U.S. Presidential Candidate)

Scientology

Scientology

Any religion that’s origin starts with the words “Galactic Confederacy”, “alien ruler”, and hell, “spacecraft” are hard to take seriously. If you want to see a good tearing apart of Scientology, watch any episode of South Park that deals with the religion. They even angered one of their own voice talents (Isaac Hayes, who voiced Chef), who ended up quitting the show, despite the fact the animated comedy rips on every single religion at one time or another. Famous follower: While many Hollywood stars are members of the Church of Scientology, perhaps to gain connections in the industry, Tom Cruise is far and above the most recognized face of the religion and has seen his own career (and possibly marriage, too) take major damage as a result of his devotion.

Raëlians

Another faith that has its origins in alien beliefs. These people use the swastika as a symbol of peace… oh yeah, that’s going to go over really well. Then they have the gull to ask for territory in Israel to put an embassy for extra-terrestrials (and we’re not talking about the bicycle flying, Reese’s Pieces eating type)… even I know that’s beyond stupid… and I wrote the book on stupid. It’s called The Idiot’s Guide to Being an Idiot by The Sip Advisor. However, I will give them credit for their belief that women should be able to go as topless as men can. Equality for all, right? Famous Follower: Rael’s Girls posed for an October 2004 spread in Playboy magazine.

Pastafarians

Pastafarians

Hulk Hogan once ran a restaurant called Pastamania, but I don’t think even he showed such high praise and devotion to pasta, like these folks do. These peeps aren’t that bad, though, preferring to take a light-hearted view towards religion. Amongst their beliefs are that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe after drinking heavily (really sounds like my type of deity), that pirates are divine beings and that every Friday is a holy day. Wow, where do I sign up? Famous Follower: One site I was reading said Jesus Christ was a Pastafarian… I should really find more reliable sources!

Church of Euthanasia

My main issue with this group is how can the church exist when the followers advocate that people kill themselves? It seems a little oxymoronic that they hold events like any other church, but if they truly follow what they believe, then shouldn’t they all be dead? Their gripe is with the overpopulation of the earth and therefore they advocate suicide, abortion, cannibalism (only of already dead people, duh!) and sodomy (because it doesn’t result in procreation) . Now I’m listening! Famous Follower: If I listed someone here, would they have to kill themselves? In that case, I pick Elmo.

Jehovah's Witnesses

Jehovah’s Witnesses

You don’t believe in birthdays and Christmas??? Fuck it, I’m out! No further discussion… I’m out. Famous Follower: Toss up between Michael Jackson and Lark Voorhees (Saved by the Bell)… gotta give it to Lark!

I can’t even begin to delve into the cults and religions based on race that exist in the world. My head is spinning from all the information I’ve already had to research. Let’s just get on with the drink o’ the day!

Drink #32: The Preacher

The Preacher Cocktail

  • 1.5 oz Spiced Rum (I used Kraken Black Spiced Rum)
  • 0.5 oz Amaretto
  • Top with Cranberry Gingerale
  • Garnish with Orange slice

For those who want to subscribe to The Church of Sip, we convene every single day here. We will exercise your demons and get you drunk while doing so. Amen!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (5 Sips out of 5):
Cranberry Ginger Ale has to be one of my favourite finds throughout this project. Then you add Kraken Black Spiced Rum and Amaretto and you have the makings of an amazing cocktail.