12 Days of Christmas
While the Sip Advisor is doubling the efforts of everyone out there and offering 25 days of Christmas rather than a paltry 12, one would have to admit that the damn 12 Days of Christmas song can really get stuck in your head. Upon reviewing the lyrics, I’ve decided to give each item listed in the tune a patron saint. So, let’s warm up our vocal chords and run the gauntlet!
12 Drummers Drumming – Animal from The Muppets
One of my favourite percussion artists of all-time and star of The Electric Mayhem (perhaps the greatest band name in the history of music!), Animal knows how to work the skins and cymbals. His trademark wild behaviour makes him a perfect addition to this menagerie of fascinating characters.
11 Pipers Piping – ‘Rowdy’ Roddy Piper
One of professional wrestling’s best bad guys, Roddy Piper knew how to ignite hatred within fans. He was the perfect mix of cocky, dastardly, and vicious, earning his way into the hearts of millions of fans worldwide.
10 Lords-a-Leaping – Michael Flatley
Whatever happened to this guy? He was the Lord of the Dance… and surely that included much leaping. Apaprently, Flatley is living the good life in Beverly Hills, probably creeping on all the 90210 teenagers and throwing around his millions of dollars.
9 Ladies Dancing – Jennifer Grey
You should never put Baby in a corner and I refuse to do so, as well. One would hope that if Jennifer Grey accepted this honourable position, that she’d bring the spirit of Patrick Swayze along with her and they could perform their hit numbers from Dirty Dancing.
8 Maids-a-Milking – The Octomom
You’d have to assume that the poor woman went through sheer agony over having to breast feed all eight of her newborns. Let’s just hope her jugs didn’t end up looking as disgusting as her pregnant alien-like belly did.
7 Swans-a-Swimming – Michael Phelps
I briefly considered Natalie Portman for this position, based on her role in Black Swan, but there are other positions I’d rather have her fill! Instead, Michael Phelps gets the part thanks to being the greatest swimmer this world has ever seen. 22 Olympic medals don’t lie, folks.
6 Geese-a-Laying – Anthony Edwards
While I hope to never see Anthony Edwards actually lay an egg, he gets the nod in this category as a result of playing Nick “Goose” Bradshaw in the 1986 classic, Top Gun. He was Tom Cruise’s greatest inspiration before Scientology rolled around and brainwashed the star.
5 Gold Rings – Mr. T
Thanks to all the jewelry Mr. T is usually rocking, he’d be perfect for this role. And why can Mr. T get away with wearing so many valuable? Because no one would ever mess with the guy. Even at the age of 61, I know for a fact that he would kick my ass… that’s not saying much, but you have to credit the guy for still being a BA badass.
4 Colly Birds – Paul McCartney
I didn’t even know what a colly bird was and apparently it’s nothing exciting. It’s a common blackbird (that’s what they’re actually called) and so I add sainthood to sir Paul McCartney’s long list of accolades. He wrote the Beatles classic Blackbird and seems to understand the fowl best.
3 French Hens – Brigitte Bardot
This broad was quite the looker in her younger days. At age 79, Bardot seems to have gone a little nutty, but it’s hard to tell as that seems to be a typical personality trait for the French. Still, anyone who posed for Playboy to celebrate their own 40th birthday is rockin’ it in my books.
2 Turtle Doves – Turtle from Entourage
Wait, a turtle dove is a bird… what the hell? Half of this song is about gifts of birds… I don’t want any damn birds. I’m trying to rid the world of these vermin. I still pick Turtle because he’ll at least bring a party atmosphere to the organization.
And a Partridge in a Pear Tree – Danny Bonaduce
Surely, with all the drugs and crazy antics Danny Bonaduce has gotten up to in his life, the former Partridge Family child star has awoken to find himself nestled in a pear tree on at least one occasion. Rock on, you crazy ginger!
Drink #346: Candy Cane
- Rim glass with Crushed Peppermint
- 0.75 Peppermint Schnapps
- 0.75 Vodka
- 0.75 Crème de Cacao
- Dash of Grenadine
- Top with Milk
- Splash of Club Soda
- Garnish with a Candy Cane
Do you have any issues with my patron saint selections? I’m willing to listen to ideas for other candidates and if you sway me with a sound argument, I just may give you some credit. Ready, set, go!
Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I liked this martini, despite how much of a pain it is to produce Crushed Candy Cane bits for the rim. I made quite the mess putting that element together. The drink completely tasted like a Candy Cane and was quite enjoyable.