April 2 – Lady Luck

Posted on April 2, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Sex, Lies and Video Poker

I feel as if Lady Luck has always smiled down upon me. I can remember countless times that I’ve found money (and we’re not talking about nickels and dimes… the real shizzle) out and about: $5 outside a pub (after my drink had been bought for me, as well), or $20 as I waited in line to buy a wrestling action figure as a kid. You get the picture.

This brings me to my greatest night out gambling in Las Vegas. The action may seem tame and the winnings mild to many, but it was a wonderful rush for me.

We were in Sin City to celebrate Broski Sip’s 21st birthday. The trip had gone very well to that point, but Mrs. Sip had now departed the group since she had to get back home early for school stuff (I had so far failed to bring her up to my Fonzie-like cool status… which is probably why she earns so much more than me now). We grabbed some drinks and hit the Treasure Island casino floor to try our luck.

Growing up, I played a lot of video poker on a handheld device I was given one Christmas. I decided to try my hand at that, too intimidated to play Texas Hold’em, Blackjack or anything else with live people.

Might have had a chance taking some money from this friendly fella!

Putting in a whopping $5, I figured I’d play until I was wiped of my massive funds and then concentrate on something I do best: drinking!

Early on I fluctuated back and forth, never making any serious gains, but I wasn’t losing much either. Then I started hitting some big hands. Two four-of-a-kind draws materialized in the span of about 10 hands and before I knew it, I was up $40. Not bad for video poker and starting small. The winning continued and I was having a ball. Surely casino officials would soon be approaching me for enrollment in the High Rollers Club now that I’d surpassed $50 in winnings!

What I expected to last about 10 minutes (if I was lucky) was now entering a second hour of play. I decided to set a drop out limit and when I finally came back down to about $50, I cashed out and proudly coddled the strip of paper that announced my earnings. It would have been nice to be back in the old days of casinos and actually have a massive bucket of coins to embrace, but then video poker may not have existed (and Back to the Future tells us that I would not have been born, in that case).

At least I knew when to stop!

In need of a beverage top-up and not wanting to waste my precious windfall on grossly expensive casino cocktails, I made the trip back to my room, where we had a couple bottles of booze we needed to get through. En route, Lady Luck said, “Here’s one more little surprise… you’ve earned it!” and there, on the carpet in the hall was a crisp $20 bill, just lying there waiting for me. I looked around, and with the entire corridor empty, made the conclusion that nobody else deserved to claim this cash any more than me, so I snagged it and proclaimed, “This is the greatest night of my life!”

Drink #92: Lady Luck

1 oz Gin
1 oz Blue Curacao
Top with Orange Juice
Garnish with Orange Twist and Maraschino Cherry

This cocktail is sure to give you all the blessings you need to match my $50 record winnings. May Lady Luck look over you and all your loved ones as you join me in the High Roller Executive Club!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
My favourite detail about this cocktail is probably the garnish, with the Maraschino Cherry wrapped up by the Orange Twist. I wasn’t overwhelmed by the taste of the cocktail and it was a little thick thanks to the Orange Juice.

April 1 – Pretty Vegas

Posted on April 1, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Souvenir Sipping

Las Vegas is filled with special souvenir glasses. Each resort seems to have their own offering, thanks to the special theming that goes into each place. Here are some we’ve seen while out and about on the strip!

Eiffel Tower/Hot Air Balloon – Paris

Some of the most elaborate souvenir glasses are sold at The Paris hotel, where you can get your favourite iced drink inside either a replica of the Eiffel Tower (or as some jackass cabbie in France insisted, “Tour Eiffel”… seriously, we told the driver we wanted to go to the Eiffel Tower four times and he kept “misunderstanding” us until we said Tour Eiffel… and Parisians wonder why everyone hates them!) or a ceramic hot air balloon that mimics the outside of the resort.

Guitar – Rockhouse

If you ever wanted to play Guitar Hero and get blitzed without having to put your instrument down, here’s your chance. These bad boys hold a fair bit of liquor (80 oz), too, so be prepared to rock all night long!

Football – Fremont Experience

Fans and even non-fans of pigskin can’t turn down a beer-filled football. I know I couldn’t. When you’re done the drink, you now have something to play with back in your hotel room… or you can turn Fremont Street into your own personal playing field. Touchdowns are scored by getting to the Golden Nugget end zone.

Tambourine – Rio

You can get either a Sex on the Beach or a Margarita in one of these glasses that also doubles as an instrument. Mrs. Sip, myself and Broski Sip grabbed a pair of these before hopping into a limo and cruising up and down the strip getting wasted. When our limo tour was finally over, we all had to hit the washroom so bad that taking a photo outside the vehicle shows a three-person pee-pee dance. Add to that, Mrs. Sip suffering food poisoning later that night (not to do with the drink) and now she can’t enjoy Margaritas in the same way.

Bong – Numb at Caesar’s Palace

I haven’t had a chance to see this glass in person, but I’ve seen pictures. Quite frankly, it looks like something Tommy Chong was arrested for selling. The curious cat in me wonders if it can actually be used as a smoking device afterwards. After all, can’t stoners turn absolutely anything into a bong?

Toilet – Rock & Rita’s at Circus Circus

Have you ever wanted to experience the joys of a dog’s life? Here’s your chance to do it in a mostly hygienic manner by drinking out of this toilet souvenir glass. This doesn’t mean you’ll gain the ability to lick yourself in the naughty region (well, give it a shot anyway), but you will suddenly gain an appreciation for having your ear scratched.

Skull – Teasure Island

I used to have a skeleton mug that we’d leave out for Santa Claus every Christmas morning. It seems kind of morbid now, but when I was a kid, I insisted on it. Maybe jolly ol’ Saint Nick would prefer if that mug was filled with beer. I know I would and therefore I plan on tracking down this glass as a sacrifice for the ghost of Christmas future.

Big Kahuna Fish Bowl – Kahunaville at Treasure Island

Granted fish bowls aren’t really anything new to the drinking world, but combine the massive goblet you’re given here with the beakers of liquor that you can choose to add to the mix whenever you feel and you have quite the winning combo. You can even buy extra beakers and make the drink look like a test subject.

Boot – Coyote Ugly at New York, New York

We’ve all heard stories of the infamous German boot glass. Well, the Coyote Ugly Saloon has taken that success and created the cowboy boot glass. There’s actually a normal glass shape inside the boot, so drinkers won’t have to deal with the air pocket that sometimes accumulates when chugging from the German boot, although that’s all part of the fun. You know, I never understood the name of this bar… I think Wile E. Coyote is quite fetching!

Drink #91: Pretty Vegas

0.5 oz Blue Curacao
0.5 oz Melon Liqueur
0.5 oz Peach Schnapps
Top with Cranberry Juice
Splash of Lemon Juice
Garnish with a Cocktail Umbrella

Layer each of the ingredients in their order about on top of each other in an ice-filled glass. There are many other specialty glasses out there in Sin City (Pineapples at Cheeseburger in Paradise, Statue of Liberty at New York, New York, etc.)… if only you had the time, liver and the money to collect them all!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
Layering the ingredients of this drink actually worked out reasonably well. The only issue was the clear Peach Schnapps melding together with the light-coloured Lemon Juice. Other than that, all the ingredients behaved themselves and kept their distance. The overall taste was good, as well.

March 25 – Babbling Brook

Posted on March 25, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Sweet Serenity

Today’s drink had me turn my mind towards serenity. For me, total relaxation can be best achieved with a cocktail in hand, laying on a pool float, the sun beaming down upon me, and the sounds of rock n’ roll filling the air. If the pool was surrounded by naked ladies, well, that would be nirvana. I’ll settle for serenity, though.

Yeah, this is pretty close!

Sure there are other methods to achieving peace within oneself. For example, those CD’s (can you remember compact discs!? They’re only about $5 each in stores nowadays… at least they can double for cheap Frisbees) filled with relaxing, tranquil sounds: ocean waves, babbling brooks, gentle rain, sounds of nature, etc.

Then there’s meditation and yoga. I get that yoga can be a good stretching tool and can help with relaxation, but anyone who thinks yoga is exercise is probably a yoga instructor or form of yoga. I did yoga once and was pretty bored. Perhaps it’s because I hadn’t started drinking yet. I was also waiting for someone to let a fart slip out and when nobody did, the comedy element to the whole thing was missing. Don’t even get me started on hot yoga. If I wanted to sweat, I’d eat a pile of meat and go for a jog. Man that would smell gross.

Speaking of jogging, going for a nice long walk can often clear the mind. This is about half true in my neighbourhood, where you always have to be on a vigil lookout for dog poop, homeless people, idiot’s texting and walking, idiot’s texting and driving, and so many other pedestrian obstacles. Maybe if you live out in the burbs this will work better, but not so much for us city folk.

Mrs. Sip likes to read to relax. She says it allows her to escape into a fantasy world, to which I often reply (with very little success) that I have a few fantasies that we could venture into together. She just doesn’t understand that guys have needs like someone baking chocolate chip cookies for them while they watch Saturday morning cartoons and take frequent cat naps.

I wish this was part of Mrs. Sip’s fantasy collection…

Personally, I think we have to look to our pets for good relaxation techniques. Cats sleep like 30 hours each day. When they’re not passed out, taking up half the couch, despite their tiny frames, they’re usually snuggling up to someone and trying to get a good spot for their next snooze. And we think we’re their master…

In closing, use whatever you think works for you: a cup of hot tea, a trip to the spa, a quiet night in, a bubble bath (the Sip Advisor looks really good all sudsy)… you get the drift. Namaste!

Drink #84: Babbling Brook

1.5 oz Raspberry Vodka (I used Absolut)
0.5 oz Blue Curacao
Top with Sour Mix
Garnish with a Lemon Wedge

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I liked this cocktail with its sweet and sour taste. The colour of the drink was really neat and I enjoyed the foamy effect produced when shaking the mix.

March 23 – Windshield Wiper Fluid

Posted on March 23, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Gross Income

Having the opportunity to travel and live abroad has also brought opportunities to try new, weird, and different flavours. After you read this list, you will question the fact that I was a picky eater when I was younger. Over the years, my tastes have expanded and my willingness to try seemingly anything has skyrocketed. I blame the constant liquorization of my body, mind and spirit, but other theories do persist. Without further ado, here are the oddest things I’ve personally eaten.

Escargot

In France, our tour group was offered this French delicacy and this was at a time when my tastes were just evolving. It probably didn’t help that the snails were simply served on a bed of green leaves and looked like someone had just picked them out of the garden. As Mrs. Sip and I approached the serving tray, there was only one more shelled snail available. I was elected to try the hors d’oeuvre and while Mrs. Sip snapped pictures of my eating experience, I learned that escargot actually tastes pretty good… with a nice garlic butter sauce, of course, to mask the whole slimy snail bit.

Frog Legs

This was a menu item on one of the first cruises Mrs. Sip and I took and the server was kind enough to put in an order for us to share, on top of our other appetizer selections. These weren’t bad, although I can’t remember what kind of sauce they were done in and there wasn’t much meat to them. Sometimes the “tastes like chicken” expression actually holds true. The only problem is the legs looked like… well like long, dead frog legs. Still, it was fun to give them a whirl and cross it off the “foods you have to try” list.

Cheese

Okay so I hear you wondering, how is cheese classified as odd? Well I hate cheese. Just downright detest it. I don’t mind it in most melted situations like on pizza, nachos, and grilled cheese sandwiches, but even then, I prefer a mild form, like mozzarella. In recent years, I’ve tried to buck this childhood trend and try some more adventurous options. Some have been okay, while others not so much. Smoked Gouda on a sandwich went well, as did feta on Greek salads. Bleu cheese on a pizza however, while eaten, was not enjoyed.

GUILTY!!!

Fried Rattlesnake

I’m deathly afraid of snakes, but when I was younger, only seven years old, I mustered the courage to try fried rattlesnake when my family was travelling throughout the old west. This was another one of those “it tastes like chicken” cases and we were even given some dried rattlesnake bone, along with a certificate saying we tried the delicacy, as keepsakes.

Oysters

While I’ve had many of these in recent years and some have been tasty, I still don’t get the whole buzz around them. You swallow whole, a slimy lump of indeterminate origin, which you’ve packed various flavours onto to mask the actual taste, and this is supposed to be an aphrodisiac? Quite frankly it sounds very similar to the end result of most dirty movies to me. Why are most girls okay with oysters, but not the other thing… you know what I’m getting at.

Drink #82: Windshield Wiper Fluid

Rim glass with Sour Apple Pop Rocks
0.75 oz Blue Curacao
0.75 oz Sour Puss Apple

So, I bet you’re asking what The Sip Advisor still won’t eat. Well, I still largely avoid cheese in most situations and I think yogurt is disgusting. Sadly, Mrs. Sip’s diet largely consists of dairy and so we don’t see eye to eye on a number of these items. I’m more awesome than her though (as if it still needs to be written), so my say goes (or so I like to tell myself).

Would I ever actually drink windshield wiper fluid? My head says no, but my heart says give it a shot (poison warnings be damned)!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
A light and very tasty shooter. Blue Curacao and Sour Puss Apple have contrasting tastes that mix well. The Sour Apple Pop Rocks were a fun addition to the recipe.

March 20 – Blue Memphis

Posted on March 20, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

River City Rampage

While Mrs. Sip and I have travelled extensively, Memphis (in the great state of Tennessee) is a place neither of us has visited. While today’s drink can only do so much to take us there, here’s some attractions I’d like to see when I finally make my way to the Mid-South:

Graceland

Whether you’re a fan of Elvis or not (but come on, who doesn’t at least have some appreciation for The King?), any visit to Memphis would require at least a pit stop at his former home, Graceland. There, we can see Elvis’ collection of cars, his private planes, and a museum dedicated to the legend. A definite highlight would be viewing the toilet he apparently died on and the TV he shot at in a drug-induced rage. Ah, the memories. Perhaps we could even stay at the nearby Heartbreak Hotel to complete the experience!

National Civil Rights Museum

Oddly located inside the hotel where Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated, visitors can learn all about the American Civil Rights Movement and how it changed the world we live in today. I guess using the hotel isn’t the worst idea. After all, who would ever stay there again after it was the site of King’s murder? Although, perhaps, the owner’s missed the boat on an opportunity to rent rooms to ghost hunters and other creeps.

Beale Street

Home to the annual Beale Street Music Festival, this is likely where your honourable Sip Advisor would go for his daily dose of life’s elixir (known to the common folk as alcohol). There are few things that beat the mix of good music and good drinks… perhaps good sex and good drinks, but I’m still conducting thorough research on the subject.

The Pyramid

If you believe that you’ll never be able to travel to Egypt (especially if you don’t like to be molested by 12 year old peddlers, angry mobs, or camels) and the glitz and glamour of Las Vegas frightens you, than Memphis is your next best chance to see one of the world’s largest pyramids. This famous sports and entertainment venue is the sixth largest pyramid in the world behind four in Egypt and the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas. Now it’s been turned into a massive Bass Pro Shop fishing store, but that just means you can get in for free!

BBQ

I’m a huge fan of southern barbecue, so you can bet your sweet bippy that I’ll be chowing down on pulled pork, brisket, chicken and all the sides a man could ever want (cornbread, cob, slaw, tater salad) every chance I get. By the time I get back home, I hope to have a permanent barbecue sauce stain around my mouth. I’ll wear that like a badge of honour. No need for souvenirs, I already got mine!

Basketball

Whether it’s checking out some college hoops (University of Memphis Tigers) or the professional ranks (Memphis Grizzlies), a fan of the hard court can definitely get their fill here. I never attended a Vancouver Grizzlies game when the team played here (in fact I’ve never been to a NBA game ever… some sports journalist am I, right?), so I guess seeing them in Memphis would be kind of sacrilegious. Oh well, doing the wrong thing is what I do best.

Wrestling Scene

Home to one of the hottest territories during professional wrestling’s 1980’s heyday, Memphis is where grappler Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler (too bad he and Elvis never battled over the moniker), and legendary manager ‘Mouth of the South’ Jimmy Hart got their start. The group consistently sold out the Mid-South Coliseum with bloody clashes and suspenseful storytelling… old school style!

Mississippi River

Finally, why not end your vacation by floating down the mighty Mississippi (M-I-SS-I-SS-I-PP-I) aboard a riverboat. You can pretend you’re Tom Sawyer or Huck Finn, sneaking onto the ship and causing havoc. Hopefully this riverboat also offers gambling, where I can bet my plane ticket home and leave me and Mrs. Sip stranded.

Drink #79: Blue Memphis

1 oz Malibu Rum
0.5 oz Blue Curacao
Top with half Pineapple Juice and half Milk
Garnish with Maraschino Cherry on a Pineapple Toothpick

As you can see, the recipe didn’t turn out as blue as advertised… so I guess it’s more of an Aqua-Marine Memphis. It still tasted pretty good, regardless of hue. Nashville, you’re up next!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I don’t think Milk and Pineapple Juice should be combined… really any juice I can’t see working well with the calcium goodness of Milk. This drink was largely saved by the Malibu Rum and Blue Curacao. Much thanks to liquor!

February 22 – Blue Lagoon Margarita

Posted on February 22, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

National Margarita Day

Margarita, margarita, there ain’t nothin’ sweeter… that, my little sippers, is the little tune I sing whenever I’m having a margarita. And today is a holy day for those who love their tequila and triple sec (TNT) based drinks! To celebrate in my own way, I made a Blue Lagoon Margarita.

Blue Lagoon (no relation to the cocktail) is a 1980 movie that is largely remembered for featuring a young Brooke Shields parading naked around a deserted island – although a body double was used in most scenes and Shields’ hair was glued to her breasts in others, but I digress – and that got me thinking about (among other more titular things) what I would want to have with me if I was stranded alone on an island.

Reading Material:

Well, there’s one fork in the road this can go down… I mean, you are all alone with no human contact for the foreseeable future. Porn may be the best choice here, however, here at The Sip, I like to think we are of average intelligence and class and therefore I will actually bring books with me (Mrs. Sip would be so proud). I would probably pack a collection of the Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader entries as these books are massive and full of thousands of interesting tidbits. Once you read them all, you could go back to the start and scan them over again, filling your head with so much trivia (aka useless knowledge) and nobody to share it with. If you were ever rescued, you could then go on Jeopardy and place second… gotta be careful with those daily doubles.

Watchables:

Obviously you can’t pack up your entire DVD collection for this trip and while resorting to a laptop filled with illegally downloaded movies and TV shows (again my legal counsel has forced me to state that the Sip Advisor does not endorse the illegal downloading of copyright material) would be the super-geek thing to do, you also have to consider the fact that there would be no outlets to charge your battery. Therefore, with a portable DVD player and an eight-hour battery I’m going to narrow my choices down to three movies: Slap Shot, Dumb & Dumber and Anchorman. The jury has spoken.

Tunes:

We are accustomed to going everywhere we travel with the ability to listen to our own music, creating a playlist for your entire life. On the island, though, you’d be limited to your one charge of battery, just like the DVD player. Would you use it all up in one epic jam, or would you spread the songs out over an extended period of time? I’d probably try to make everything seem like a montage and kill the battery in a matter of hours. I’m not very good with the long-term planning.

Food & Drink:

My main concern here is how difficult it would be for me to create my own alcohol (and ice… warm drinks suck). Providing the island has lush amounts of fruits, I may be able to make my own flavoured concoctions. Maybe I would luck out and there would be a hidden stash of rum on the island like the one Captain Jack Sparrow was abandoned on.

As far as munchies go, a lifetime supply of potato chips would be great. Any flavor will do, except for any of those god-awful country-specific special flavours like Lamb & Mint (UK) or Vegemite (Australia). For the sweet tooth, any collection of chocolate should suffice. As for real food, who needs it? If no one is around to see how gross and out-of-shape you’re getting, does it really matter? And do you really want to max out your life expectancy on a deserted island?

Miscellaneous:

Oh, let’s see… the ability to harness electricity would surely help… you know, the usual stuff.

Comforts:

I think a pet is necessary when stranded. If I can’t have some sort of monkey sent to help me out, than a cat will do the trick. Anything to rid the island of all bird species, who provide nothing meaningful to my existence. Stupid poop machines.

Finally, if I could swing it, I’d have Mrs. Sip sent to the island to join me (kicking and screaming!). Then I’d impose the Brooke Shields rule into action and without a body double to do all the heavy lifting, you could finally call the place paradise!

Drink #53: Blue Lagoon Margarita

1 oz Tequila
1 oz Blue Curacao
Splash of Lime Juice
Top with Pineapple Juice/Soda
Garnish with Orange Slice

Everyone has their own idea of what they would bring to a deserted island. What would help you survive the lonely exile?

Make sure to have your daily does of vitamin-M (margarita) today and party like it’s 2013!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (2.5 Sips out of 5):
I was disappointed with this recipe. Perhaps it’s because I used Pineapple Soda, instead of juice, which drastically changed the drink’s taste to a more fizzy one.

February 4 – Lounge Lizard #2

Posted on February 4, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Bar Crawl

When I profiled the original Lounge Lizard cocktail, I discussed my favourite real-life bars. Today, I turn reality upside down and present to you, my little sippers, the best of fictional bars. Sometimes we all wish these places were real. Seriously, though, it seems like every single show in history has featured a watering hole as a recurring setting (thus making this list extremely difficult to narrow down):

Cheers – Cheers

Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name… I bet everyone who read that last line, sang it in their head! How great would it be to hang out with a regular Joe like Norm Peterson. Or shoot the shit with bartenders like Sam Malone and Woody Boyd. You could even get your daily dose of factually inaccurate trivia from Cliff Claven or some psychiatric treatment from Frasier Crane. Everyone in the place had something to offer – except maybe Paul, but we’ll let it slide.

Moe’s Tavern – The Simpsons

While Moe’s Tavern may not be the highlight of any visit to Springfield, it’s a decent joint that means a lot to its regulars. The bar has gone through a number of style changes with the times, usually to capitalize on some trend – gay bar, family restaurant, stylish martini bar (wouldn’t that be the same as the gay bar!?) – but it always returns to its former glory by episode’s end.

The Broken Stool – The Cleveland Show

After moving from Quahog, Rhode Island to Stoolbend, Virginia, Cleveland Brown promptly found himself a new group of friends – “there’s old friends, new friends and even a bear” – who regularly convene at The Broken Stool. There’s nothing like having a favourite haunt for you and your best buds and having a bear as a pal would absolutely rule. You could get him to catch fish for you and stuff.

Merlotte’s & Fangtasia – True Blood

In the True Blood universe, you have the best of both worlds. First, there’s Merlotte’s, where normal people can go to enjoy a drink or some southern cooking and crazy shit often happens. At Fangtasia, vampires, humans and werewolves alike can enjoy an evening of debauchery and crazy shit ALYWAS happens. How either owner can keep their places running with the high death rate (including to staff) and constant turmoil at each location, is beyond my comprehension.

Roger’s Place – American Dad

I dream of my own man-cave bar set-up one day… not that I don’t have that already, but it’s not in a man-cave. Neither is Roger’s Place, alien Roger Smith’s bar in the attic of the Smith family home. Here, Roger waxes philosophical for his visitors – usually suggesting a solution to their problem that gets them into even more trouble. Next time I’m bartending for the Sip Advisor friends and family, I’m going to give out bad advice… whether people want to hear it or not.

The Warsaw – The Drew Carey Show

One of the best features of this bar, was you could live above it, as Lewis and Oswald did, complete with their own fire pole into the place. Can you imagine how happy I, the Sip Advisor, would be if I could roll out of bed in the morning and ride a pole down to my favourite bar? Oh wait, I practically do that already, minus the pole and if you add a little more crawling to the trek.

Drink #35: Lounge Lizard #2

1 oz Coconut Rum
1 oz Blue Curacao
1 oz Melon Liqueur
Top with lemon-lime soda
Garnish with lemon and lime wheels

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
The Lounge Lizard family of cocktails may be one of my favourite. Here, you have Coconut Rum, Blue Curacao and Melon Liqueur all getting together to party as lemon-Lime Soda plays DJ and lays down some dope tracks. Not sure of what exactly I just wrote… let’s just say that the drink is spectacular.

January 31 – Disaronno Jazz

Posted on January 31, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Word Play

At dinner with friends recently, someone mentioned a story where a guy said he was ‘smitten’ with her. It got me thinking about how awesome the word smitten is and it saddens me that it has largely disappeared from the lexicon. Here are some other gems of the English language that should return to the vernacular world:

Balderdash!!! – It is my goal in life (what can I say: aim low, perform high) to shout this out at inappropriate times and cause a disturbance. I think ending a board game like Monopoly or checkers, by flipping the board into the air and shouting Balderdash!!! at my opponent(s) would be a great way to prove that my mental faculties are still sharp and that I’m fully competent to stand trial. Used in a sentence: Balderdash!!!! I should not have to pass go to collect $200.

Jazzed – In line with today’s drink, jazzed has disappeared from our vocabulary and been replaced by stoked (a word I’ve never been very comfortable with). Like jazzercise, jazz dance, and jazz-onomics (the term to describe the money, or generally more the lack thereof, associated with jazz musicians), there just seems to be no appreciation for the jasm (original derivation of jazz… which just sounds dirty… which is probably why I like it!) arts. Used in a sentence: I’m no longer stoked about this weekend’s sock hop, but once I get there I’m sure I’ll be jazzed.

Flummoxed – I go through most of my life with a look of perplexity splashed across my face. The things I see most people do makes me question the existence of life. In my five-minute walk (I’m a very lucky guy) to and from work, I note numerous acts of stupidity from walkers, drivers, homeless zombies, and even dogs. Used in a sentence: All these idiots have absolutely flummoxed me to the point of exhaustion.

My boy, Ron Swanson, shows us his best flummoxed face!

Strumpet, Harlot, Trollop, Guttersnipe – Basically anyway to describe a promiscuous lady (or even man, as I believe in equal opportunity), without having to resort to cruder words. Nowadays, people go for the easy fix and through around harsh terms that don’t need repeating. Let’s go back to a time of underhandedly saying someone is a slut or a whore. Woops, went ahead and wrote them bad words anyway. Used in a sentence: I always dreamed of finding a strumpet (could be replaced by harlot, trollop or guttersnipe) of my own.

Blotto – I use this term often, to describe someone’s level of inebriation, but I am one of the few – and by far the greatest – that does. I like that blotto contains the word lotto, because to me, when you get this drunk, you’re gambling with the contents of your stomach and sometimes more. Let’s start a new phrase: you can’t get blotto without playing the lotto. Used in a sentence: Man, I’m going to get so freakin’ blotto tonight it will be blotto-tacular.

Chortle – This is such a perfect word in describing that sarcastic scoff people can sometimes be guilty of doing. It was invented by Lewis Carroll (writer of the Alice in Wonderland stories) and it figures this mad genius would create a term like this. I often practice my chortle just for fun and in the case that it is ever needed on demand. In today’s world, this preparation comes in hand more often than even I would like. Used in a sentence: I chortle at you, good sir.

Loathe – When my wife and I are joking around, we’ll sometimes say “I loathe you, darling.” Well, she says it more often than I do… and with good reason. The first time she ever said it, with a little smile and a peck on the check, I barely noticed it. I’m slow like that, but I eventually caught on. Little did I know that our entire relationship had been built around her loathing me and me loving her. Loathe has such a strong vibe to it and I think it’s sorely missing from today’s jargon. We should all find someone to loathe and tell them so, making 2013 the year of loathing. Used in a sentence: I never thought I’d loathe someone like you.

Brouhaha – Sometimes used in sports references when a fight breaks out, but rarely used otherwise. I think all fights should be called brouhahas, from mixed martial arts to hockey to domestic disturbances portrayed on Cops and other reality shows. Can you imagine a cop showing up to a street fight and asking what all the brouhaha is about? Way to lose your street cred, Officer. Used in a sentence: Let’s go down to the bar, act like a couple dicks (er, I mean frat guys) and start a massive brouhaha.

Drink #31: Disaronno Jazz

1 oz Disaronno (amaretto)
0.5 oz Vodka
0.5 oz Blue Curacao
Top with Sweet & Sour Mix
Garnish with lime wedge

Are there any words you would like to see pulled from its sealed dictionary vault and brought back into the light of day? Now let’s have some fun using every word mentioned in today’s post in one sentence. I am loathe to be smitten with a trollop, who chortles at my advances and routinely gets blotto before a brouhaha, which flummoxes me into shouting words like balderdash and leaves me quantifiably less jazzed than I was to begin with. Your welcome!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
Amaretto is such a delicious liqueur and it really shines in this cocktail. It’s funny how green the drink turned out given that Sour Mix is more of a yellowish shade and none of the other ingredients would suggest the final product would look like that.

January 22 – Envy

Posted on January 22, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

The Green-Eyed Monster

Jealousy… I’m not too familiar with the feeling myself, but I assume it’s that feeling that other guys get when they see me free lifting my 200 pound weights in the gym, living my rock n’ roll gangsta lifestyle, or busting my sweet gangnam-style moves on the dance floor. 99% of the above may almost certainly be a lie, but since it’s Tequila Week here at The Sip Advisor headquarters, I know all you loyal readers are a bit jealous. To even it up, here’s a small selection of those who earn my envy:

Cookie Monster (speaking of monsters)

Imagine being able to eat whatever you want – cookies, plates, even the moon – and not gain a single pound. Seriously, Cookie Monster has been around since 1969 and despite eating whatever he wants, whenever he wants, he still looks the same, even though what he’s stuffed back would have other beings suffering the onset of diabetes or an incredibly gruesome and painful death or something. He may not lose any weight, but maintaining the body status quo would be classified a win for me. I love me some cookies (and chippies for that matter), so being able to eat so indiscernibly (and look cool in so much blue) definitely tops my list of enviable qualities.

Wolverine

Two words: adamantium skeleton. Sure the guy can’t remember who the hell he is or what his past life was, but he’s indestructible. Hell, I often can’t remember who I am or parts of my past life, thanks in large part to the subject matter of this blog. My mind is spinning with the stupid stuff I could get up to if I was immortal. Bungee jumping sans bungee cord, demolition derbies onboard a motorcycle, mixed martial arts fights with dinosaurs… the possibilities are endless, when your mind is as deteriorated as mine.

Garfield

The fat orange cat is allowed to be as surly as he wants and we love him for it. His enviable attitude is something that doesn’t work so well with my wife, however. While I’m not really down with the whole lasagna obsession thing, I can totally get behind the blankie, teddy bear (Pooky), fuzzy slippers and pajamas. And just like Garfield, I would only be nice twice a year, on my own Halloween and Christmas specials. I mean, how could you not be nice at Halloween and Christmas with all the candy, candy, candy and presents, presents, presents!?

Wile E. Coyote

One has to admire Mr. Coyote’s passion and drive in his dogged pursuit of the Roadrunner. If I possessed the same ambition, I’d be able to get this 365-day challenge done in a month (never mind the fact that I may implode like said Coyote in the attempt to do so). I would also love to have the resources Wile E. has at his disposal. His ACME account must be unlimited and if they had an alcohol department, I would be all over that. The one drawback is his constant injuries. One can only fall off a cliff so many times before it would probably get tiresome. My hat is off to you buddy, keep chasing that rainbow and get yourself some sweet, sweet Roadrunner meat!

Inspector Gadget

He may be a bumbling idiot (sounds a little too similar to MY personality profile!), but he’s a respected and accomplished detective. Plus, he gets to travel the world, chasing criminals and use an array of high-tech – well, mostly low-tech umbrellas and such – gadgets (wait!? Is that why he’s called Inspector Gadget? Another of life’s mysteries solved). Perhaps I’d be the one to finally catch Dr. Claw. After all, in my younger days, I was very successful in my hunt for Carmen Sandiego and her band of henchmen. Go-go-gadget 12 inches, am I right, ladies?

Richie Rich

Simply put, the kid had a fully-staffed McDonald’s right inside his own house. We don’t even need to get into the whole gazillionaire, set-for-life kid, B.S. Nope, just McDonald’s… in your house… they would probably even do room service. I would hold these off-the-chain shindigs with the guys from Epic Meal Time and we’d get completely destroyed on Chicken McNuggets and milkshakes. It would be, well, epic.

So, doing a final tally, if I put all my traits together, like a wonderfully-blended cocktail, I would be invincible; surly, but lovable; driven, with uncapped resources; with my own personal McDonald’s restaurant where I could eat at every day and never gain weight… and let’s not forget about the 12-incher!

Drink #22: Envy

1.5 oz Tequila (I used Sauza Gold)
1 oz Blue Curacao
Top with Pineapple Juice
Garnish with Pineapple Wedge and Maraschino Cherry

Who (aside from super me) are you jealous of? Drop me a line and let me know. Perhaps your list will be better… I doubt it though, because I’m pretty awesome! Maybe there will be a list on narcissism in the future!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
I like how this drink came together visually with the Blue Curacao half resting at the bottom of the martini glass and the rest combining with the Pineapple Juice to make a greenish hue, perfect for the Envy moniker. The taste wasn’t half bad either.

January 19 – On the Cusp

Posted on January 19, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Birthday Bumps

It’s my wife’s birthday and after everything she does for me (and you readers – she is, after all, responsible for most of the photos that grace this site, as well as being my muse, my editor and sometimes my censor), I owe her a great deal of gratitude. Therefore, I decided to invent a shot to celebrate her big day (as if the brand new Daniel Sedin, Vancouver Canucks jersey and other surprises weren’t enough!), mixing a couple of her favourites together in this week’s shot.

I started with a thin layer of chocolate syrup that will make for a nice chaser to go with the rest of the recipe. Remember rule #1: girls love chocolate. Also, chocolate can represent the “earth” element of Capricorn or how Capricorns are supposed to be all grounded and practical or other such nonsense. Next up, when I first met my wife nearly 11 years ago, she was a massive coconut fan and still is. I believe one of the first hard alcohols she ever got into – as is the case with many 18-year-old girls – was Malibu Rum, so that was definitely going to be part of the shot. I followed that with some Chocolate Whipped Vodka because, once again, rule #1: girls love chocolate. Seriously, I have never met a woman that doesn’t love the sweet stuff. Even if a girl is allergic to chocolate, they will eat it to the point of needing an EpiPen. Finally we finish the concoction with Blue Curacao for no other reason than I think of the colour blue when I hear the word ‘Aquarius’. Decorate it all up a little with coconut shavings and there you have it, a beautiful birthday shot that you can say is homemade and earn extra brownie points to be cashed in when you’ve bestowed a handful or so of these onto the pretty lady!

And to think, I was originally thinking of making her a macaroni self-portrait… her loss!

Drink #19: On the Cusp

Rim glass with coconut shavings
Pour a thin layer of chocolate syrup into the shot glass
0.5 oz Malibu Rum
0.5 oz Chocolate Whipped Vodka
0.5 oz Blue Curacao
Sprinkle some coconut shavings into the shot

If you would like me to create a shot for you or your partner, drop me a line, let me know what you or they like and I’ll do my best to come up with something.

P.S.: Tequila week starts tomorrow, so I better see everyone doing The Worm!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (5 Sips out of 5):
This shot, a completely original recipe, might I add, was absolutely amazing. From the Coconut Rim, all the way through the spirits to the thin layer of Chocolate Syrup, the whole shebang was wonderful. Of course, I save only my best for Mrs. Sip!

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