October 10 – Clown Corruption

Posted on October 10, 2015 by Daniel Wilson

Clowning Around

Clowns are downright creepy. Hell, serial killer John Wayne Gacey was one, performing for youngsters at parties in the same neighbourhoods where he stalked his prey. I’ve never been a fan of clowns, but at the same time, I can’t say I necessarily fear them. There are many who do, though. So many, that it even has its own term: coulrophobia. Here are some of the clowns that cause our anxiety:

#5: Doink the Clown

When Doink the Clown was first introduced into the then-WWF, he was sadistic and violent, with a nasty scowl that frightened audiences. The character lost its way when he was turned into a practical jokester good guy and paired with a midget doppelganger, dubbed Dink. Perhaps one of the reasons for the personality change was the departure from the company of original portrayer, Matt Osbourne, who seamlessly made Doink a figment of most kids’ nightmares, in the child friendly wrestling production.

#4: Twisty – American Horror Story

Mrs. Sip and I have only watched a couple episodes of American Horror Story: Freakshow, but it’s been enough to know that Twisty deserves a spot on this list. Some of the first images of the season show this deranged, psychopathic monster stalking a couple teenage lovers, before bludgeoning the boy. Although Twisty is a “retired” clown, he’s clearly not ready to abandon the makeup and he has a vendetta for the recently arrived freak show that is now inhabiting his town.

#3: Sweet Tooth

What do you get when you combine an insane, serial killer clown, with a missile-equipped ice cream truck? Twisted Metal, of course! Sweet Tooth’s backstory includes being cursed with a head that is perpetually on fire, helping him become an icon and mascot of not only the Twisted Metal franchise, but also the Sony Playstation console. Never again will the sounds of an ice cream truck conjure images of pleasure. Those have been replaced by mayhem, screams, and ‘Game Over’ captions.

#2: The Joker

There are many psychopaths among the Caped Crusader’s rogue gallery, but The Joker is chief among them. The ‘Clown Prince of Crime’ is not to be taken lightly, despite his festive appearance, as he has been responsible for the death of Jason Todd (the second Robin) and crippling Barbara Gordon (aka Batgirl), among other horrendous atrocities. No matter who portrays the character, The Joker continues to be a memorable and uber-creepy clown.

#1: Pennywise

From the mind of Stephen King, comes this disturbing tale of lost innocence and a murderous clown, who feeds on the fear of his victims. With spiked teeth, long claws, and an appetite for anxiety, it’s easy for Pennywise to create the panic that nourishes him. The made-for-TV movie still haunts many little sippers of my generation, even though the first half of the film – setting up the story – is so much better than the second half, where the now adults battle and defeat the maniacal clown.

Super Saturday Shot Day: Clown Corruption (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

Rim glass with Sprinkles
1 oz Karnival Vodka
0.5 oz Jagermeister Spice

The Cirque du Soleil clowns deserve some mention. While providing comedic relief, they’re super creepy and their gibberish language doesn’t help matters. Same goes for Ronald McDonald, who rumour has it, murdered all the McDonaldland characters we never see anymore!

August 30 – Smokestack

Posted on August 30, 2014 by Daniel Wilson

Mains & Sides

Well, this is the last long weekend of the summer, which means it’s primetime for all the barbecue masters out there to whip up the delicacies we crave all winter long. While I’m pretty open to anything someone is kind enough to put on my plate, here are the Top 5 barbecue foods, according to the Sip Advisor:

#5: Kangaroo

Although Mrs. Sip and I only enjoyed this barbecued delicacy once, it’s a meal I will never forget… which is a little surprising because we were on a winery tour in the Barossa Valley of Australia and well on route to a drunken bender. The meat was prepared in red wine and was so tender and juicy that we went at the offering with a piranha-like frenzy. While I would usually never commit the faux pas of eating the last remaining piece, in this case, I even stabbed some poor dude with a fork to get it!

#4: Corn on the Cob/Cornbread

Corn is an essential ingredient for a good barbecue and thanks to these two serving options, can be enjoyed in different forms with equally pleasurable results. While the Sip Advisor hates getting food stuck in his teeth (the main reason he loathes popcorn), corn on the cob is one situation where that fear is thrown out the window. As for cornbread, you better lay your hands off my slice or it’s dueling time. Slap some butter on either of these side dishes and you’ll be in sweet-salty heaven.

#3: Potato Chips

My affinity for the potato chip has been discussed at length, but here we go again! I love my chippies and am practically addicted to the snack treat. Like a junkie, I start itching for that sweet release that comes with the first bite and the burst of flavour that will soon fill the void in my soul. Chips are an easy side for any meal, but work best when you have a big ol’ bowl of them on display for the Sip Advisor to steal, hide in some dark, dank corner and inject straight to the veins.

#2: Pulled Pork

There’s nothing like smacking a glob of pulled pork down onto a fresh bun, topping it with some slaw and taking a mammoth bite out of the wicked sandwich. Preferably, you next move will be to wash down that food with an ice cold brewski, thus completing two-thirds of the holy trinity. All that’s left is to take a brief cat nap and repeat the process again. God bless the pig for all the awesomeness it provides.

#1: Hot Dogs

Is there anything that smells better in this world than a barbecue grilling up hot dogs? Other meats are all well and good, too, but for my money, nothing tops some smokies! Hot dogs are so amazing that they can become the icing on the cake or the cherry on the sundae, even when purchased on the street in the wee hours of the morning after getting blitzed all night long. Somebody better get the grill going because I’m ready for a feast fit for a Sip Advisor!

Super Saturday Shot Day: Smokestack (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

Rim glass with Barbecue Sauce
1 oz Absolut Texas Vodka
0.5 oz Chipotle Spirit
Garnish with Cucumber Slices

I have to throw a massive shout out and honourable mention to potato and noodle salads. Without these two brothers in mayonnaise, I don’t know how I would have survived barbecues as a little sipper picky eater!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (2 Sips out of 5):
This could be the world’s next great punishment shot, even though on their own, in various cocktails, the alcohols are quite nice. Speaking of the alcohol, Mrs. Sip and I recently stumbled upon this entry in the Absolut City Series, which combines Cucumber and Serrano Chili Peppers… a perfect summer blend. The Cucumber Slices were a nice touch visually, but were a choking hazard during the actual shooter.

August 9 – Secret of the Ooze

Posted on August 10, 2014 by Daniel Wilson

Reptile Rebellion

I’m a huge Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles fan and have been since the cool dudes with attitudes hit the airwaves in 1987. With the movie reboot that came out last night, it’s time to dedicate some space to turtle power and discuss the greatest reptiles ever. Let the debate begin!

#5: The Fraternity of Crocodiles – Pearls Before Swine

Some of the funniest Pearls Before Swine comics involve the Fraternity of Crocodiles (under their official name of Da Brudderhood of Zeeba Zeeba Eata) trying to get their chompers wrapped around the animals of Albany, California. These crocs really aren’t very bright, but they’re enthusiasm for eating zebras is unrivaled. Their failed attempts at procuring dinner is akin to Wile E. Coyote’s efforts and you find yourself routing for the bad guy to pick up a win.

#4: Geico Gecko

I love this little mascot, who despite his gentle nature, seems to have a bite to him, as well. He is, after all, the smartest man in the room at high-level Geico meetings and that might be saying something about the insurance industry in general. The Geico Gecko was born out of the 1999 Screen Actors Guild strike, which resulted in the company not being able to use live actors. Kelsey Grammar originally voiced the character, but he has evolved into more of an everyman gecko with a Cockney accent.

#3: Rango

Perfectly cast, with Johnny Depp providing the lizard’s voice, Rango is the tale of a fish-out-of-water chameleon, who becomes sheriff of the desert town of Dirt and uncovers a mystery involving the area’s drinking water. I also have to give Rango props for dealing with the dreaded Rattlesnake Jake, using his brains to defeat the brawny gunslinger. Anytime a slithering snake is defeated, the Sip Advisor is a happy man.

#2: Bowser – Nintendo

One of the greatest video game baddies of all-time, Bowser seems obsessed with Princess Peach to the point that he’s kidnapped her so many times she’s developed a severe case of Stockholm Syndrome and doesn’t mind playing board games and going go-kart racing with the evil lizard king. Bowser even has his family members getting in on the sinful acts and you may defeat them, but the princess will likely be in another castle!

#1: Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles

You had to know that these four heroes in a half shell would take the top spot. Of course, Michaelangelo is my favourite among the troupe, but each member of the team holds a special place in my heart and brings something different to the table. One of my favourite things about the TMNT franchise is all the different sidekicks and villains that were introduced, from Casey Jones to the Shredder, and all the Bebop’s and Rocksteady’s in between.

Super Saturday Shot Day: Secret of the Ooze (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

Rim glass with Candy Sugar
0.5 oz Melon Liqueur
0.5 oz Pisang Ambon
Splash of Sour Apple Mix
Dash of Lime Cordial

I have to throw some honourable mentions out to Dino (Flintstones), Godzilla, Tick-Tock (Peter Pan), Sir Hiss (Robin Hood), and Reptile (Mortal Kombat). One reptilian that is definitely on the hate list is Barney the Dinosaur… he gives all prehistoric beasts a bad name and should have been slaughtered by the Transformers Dinobots crew.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
I wasn’t really happy with the Mutagen and other Ninja Turtles-themed drinks that already existed (although Drunken Moogle has a neat cocktail that actually uses the toy mutagen canister for its glass), so I built my own shot version, using as many green-coloured products I had in my arsenal. The results were a fruit punch of sorts, including the Lime Cordial Mrs. Sip and I made ourselves. This shooter also provided my first chance to use my new tilted shot glass, which goes perfectly with the theme, in my honest opinion.

March 8 – Pop Quiz

Posted on March 8, 2014 by Daniel Wilson

Learning Curve

While I’m happy to be done with school (although it may one day pull me back, kicking and screaming), there are a number of fictional institutes of learning that I haven’t minded attending on a weekly basis. Here are the top five schools of fine learning:

#5: Bayside High School – Saved by the Bell

It seems like the inmates run the asylum at Bayside. Mr. Belding can easily be wrapped around anyone’s finger and the collection of oddball teachers seem to have more fun making friends with their pupils than actually teaching them. Need a break from the stresses of teenage life? Why not hit up The Max for a bite to eat and a respite from the classroom. Upon graduation, you’d could even follow the gang to California University for some post-secondary tutelage.

It truly was a perfect world!

#4: Acme Looniversity – Tiny Toon Adventures

I can only imagine the sheer joy (and pain) I’d experience while being taught by my idols; Wile E. Coyote, Sylvester J. Cat, and Yosemite Sam. The course catalogue would be interesting to scan through and might include classes like “Navigating Acme Products”, “Treating Exploding Cigar Injuries” and “Dressing in Drag to Confuse Enemies”. Remember, the teaching staff’s been getting laughs since 1933!

#3: Third Street School – Recess

This school will take you back to your earliest days of learning. To a time of first friends, crushes, and recesses. Recess depicted a time in life when kids don’t have many cares and can just be kids. The only thing to keep in mind is what you’re going to do at break time. Are you going to join an intense game of All the Balls? Perhaps you’ll hit Old Rusty, the jungle gym, for a few good slides. Just pray that you’re not stuck inside on a rain day or suffering through a dreaded detention sentence.

#2: Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters

Also known as Xavier Institute for Higher Learning, the only pre-requisite you’d have to figure out before attending would be finding your super power. I don’t think fending off hangovers is a talent suitable for a mutant academy, so I’m at a loss for what I could bring to the table. Still, a staff that includes a dude that shoots lasers from his eyes, a woman that can harness the power of weather, and a couple that can read your mind, would make classes very interesting.

#1: Greendale Community College – Community

This would be a truly epic school to attend, so long as every day featured one of the educational institute’s wacky competitions or other shenanigans. From paintball wars to the floor is lava games, each day would bring many unique opportunities. The faculty is a whole other level of insanity from Dean Craig Pelton to instructors such as Señor Ben Chang. Attending Greendale would certainly make your life more exciting, even if your degree wasn’t worth much in the real world.

Super Saturday Shot Day: Pop Quiz (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

Rim glass with Pop Rocks
0.5 oz Root Beer Schnapps
0.5 oz Bubble Gum Vodka
Splash of Lemonade

There are so many other institutions of learning that could have made this list, from Springfield Elementary (The Simpsons) to Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry (Harry Potter) and everything in between. Mrs. Sip would probably have loved to attend Breaker High, the school aboard a world-travelling cruise ship (not to mention Ryan Gosling would be a fellow student), while I could see myself excelling at Shiroiwa Junior High School, being shipped off to outlast my classmates Battle Royale style!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I had higher hopes for this original recipe (seven herbs and spices, of course!). It wasn’t bad, but it could have been better. When I think about it, Root Beer Schnapps and Bubble Gum Vodka have similar aftertastes and perhaps the two got lost in each other. Maybe a Bubble Gum Liqueur would have worked better than the Vodka version, but I don’t think that product exists yet.

December 7 – Winter is Coming

Posted on December 7, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Yuletide Legends

Urban legends can be so fascinating. Movies and websites have been made to cover all of the crazy (yet sometimes true) theories out there. And Christmas is not safe from urban legends. Here are some of the most intriguing:

Suicidal Dream

Christmas is supposed to be one of happiest times of the year. For some, though, that just makes it all the more miserable. But the theory that more people commit suicide during the holidays over any other time of the year is pure myth. So, while the holidays may drive you crazy, as you visit with relatives you don’t particularly care for and battle with fellow shoppers to find the perfect gifts… it at least won’t drive you to kill yourself!

Candied Cane

While we recognize peppermints and candy canes as often being coloured red and white, a rumour has persisted that there’s more to the iconic image than just flavour. Some have insinuated that the candy cane is a symbol for Jesus Christ; the red representing his blood, and the white his purity, as well as the shape being a ‘J’. It’s simply not true, however, so feel free to eat your Jesus canes at all hours of the day and with complete disregard towards religious persecution.

The Brotherhood of the Travelling Pants

Let’s get a true legend into this piece. Apparently, two brother-in-laws spent 25 years trading a pair of pants back-and-forth as a Christmas gift, each year finding a more inventive way of exchanging the slacks. The tradition began in the 1960’s and involved the pants being stuffed into a thin pipe, baled, and even added to a concrete mix. The pants were finally destroyed when they were to be encased in molten glass, but were burned to ashes, accidentally. Kind of makes me hope I never have a brother-in-law!

Won’t Someone Think of the Children

We’ve all seen those donation boxes at Wal-Mart and other outlets that say toys bought in the store can be donated to needy children… well, it seems this case went awry when the donated toys were returned to store shelves for resale. At the Sterling, Colorado location, managers wanted gifts to be wrapped in a Wal-Mart bag to prove the item had been purchased and not simply taken off the shelf and tossed in the box. Of course, staff made the mistake of putting the box in an unsupervised spot in the first place and should have just taken a loss on any possible donations through mischief.

Unlikely Allies

We’ve all heard the story that German and Allied troops took a break from their World War I fighting on Christmas Day in 1914 to exchanged gifts, sing carols, and even play some footie (soccer for you North American blokes). Well, all of that is, in fact, true! There’s nothing like partying with your enemy. This is why I’m always celebrating with Mrs. Sip! The 1914 truce eventually ended (as does many of my armistices with Mrs. Sip) and future attempts to come together on Christmas didn’t pan out. The war ended on Nov. 11, 1918.

Only in Canada

Sometimes I love this little country of ours. Okay, so it’s actually a massive country, but that’s not the point. If you’ve ever wondered how to reach ol’ Santy Claus, apparently us Canucks even gave the jolly fat man a postal code. It’s H0H 0H0… that’s right, it reads Ho Ho Ho! Pretty clever stuff, am I right!? Every letter sent to this address is answered, even if it comes in a foreign language or even Braille. The postal code was established in 1982 does not require postage and even return letters are free of charge!

City of Santa Hate

Philadelphia is known as the City of Brotherly Love, but clearly not so much in the sports world, where fans of the NFL’s Philadelphia Eagles actually booed Santa Claus when he appeared during a game in December 1968. The Eagles had experienced a dreadful season that year, finishing with a 2-12 record and conditions at the game were horrible, with cold temperatures, slushy seats, and falling snow. The half-time Christmas Pageant ended with Santa being pelted with snowballs from much of the Philadelphia faithful. I hope they all received coal for Christmas!

Drink #341: Winter is Coming (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

0.75 oz Yukon Jack Perma Frost Liqueur
0.75 oz Crowberry Frost Liqueur
Garnish with Cranberries

There are, of course, so many other urban legends to do with the Christmas season. So many that I can’t possibly fit them all in. If you’re interested in more, head over to Snopes and browse away to your heart’s content!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
Based off of the catchphrase Winter is Coming from Game of Thrones, I decided to combine my alcohols that had the word “frost” in their title. The Crowberry Frost Liqueur is quite ironic because crows play a large role in the Game of Thrones story and there’s even an entire pack that dresses like the filthy bird. As for taste, it was pretty good. The Perma Frost Liqueur is strong, but not unpleasant and the Crowberry Liqueur adds a touch of sweetness to the shooter.

November 6 – Dubble Bubble

Posted on November 6, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Chewing Good

I recently bought Mrs. Sip a bottle of Bubble Gum Vodka… okay, busted… it was for me, just as much as for her, but in my defense, I’ve never tasted it until making this drink, while Mrs. Sip is a fan of the fun spirit. Here are some other bubble gum facts to be enjoyed with this cocktail:

People who spell words like “gross” wrong make ME sick!

People have been chewing gum for over 5,000 years. The product was first made using natural latex (so, like chewing on a condom) and later a synthetic rubber (so, like chewing on a condom!).

Bubble gum was first invented by Walter E. Diemer, an accountant for the Fleer Chewing Gum Company, who was experimenting with new recipes. That’s a diehard accountant for you. This is the product that eventually became Dubble Bubble. The colour pink was chosen because it was the only dye available to Diemer, as well as being his favourite hue. This dude would have done quite well with the ladies, thanks to his dedication to his job and love to the rosy colour.

Sugar-free gum has been shown to reduce cavities and plaque and can actually help patients recovering from abdominal and gastrointestinal surgeries, as it helps with removing obstructions. Gum can also be beneficial with gastro-esophageal reflux disease because people chewing the candy swallow more, which neutralizes the acid on the esophagus. Plus, they’ll also have minty-fresh breath!

The Guinness World Record for biggest bubble blown is 23 inches, produced by Susan Williams of Fresno, California. Apparently the naughty girl used her hands to hold the massive bubble, as there is also a record for not using supports. Chad Fell produced this record with a 20-inch blow. And yes, I meant for that to sound dirty!

Gum isn’t all good, though, as there are many negative aspects to the products.

Swallowing gum may not reside in your stomach for seven years, as the old urban legend stated, but it can’t be digested and will pass through your system as is. I leave that to your own imagination.

Also, remember when you were a little sipper and gum was outlawed in elementary school? Well, it was also banned in Singapore in 1983 as the city-state grew tired of the cost of cleaning the sticky substance, as well as the possible dangers the discarded gum presented.

And doesn’t everybody hate getting gum stuck to the bottom of your shoes or reaching beneath a seat or table and touching someone’s discarded gum wad? One study found that 250,000 pieces of gum were stuck to the ground on Oxford Street, in London.

Other gum facts:

There are two famous bubble gum “art” areas in the United States, where tourists stick a piece of their gum among the millions of pieces fossilized in the region: Bubble Gum Alley in San Luis Obispo, California and the Gum Wall in Seattle, Washington (I’ve seen this one personally and it’s actually pretty gross… not even my bachelor party inebriation could mask my disgust). Somehow, the areas have become tourist attractions and popular stops for wedding photos!

In Africa, gum is sometimes used as a dowry payment for a wife, as opposed to sheep and oxen. It took me two tubs of Dubble Bubble for Mrs. Sip’s father to permit me to marry her… he wanted three, but I bartered him down!

Drink #310: Dubble Bubble

1.5 oz Bubble Gum Vodka
Top with Jones Bubble Gum Soda
Garnish with Pieces of Gum

What is your favourite bubble gum-related fact? I wish you all the best in your chewing endeavours!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
This martini was in fact a Triple Bubble, thanks to my garnishing of the drink with a spear of Dubble Bubble gum pieces. I offered it to Mrs. Sip and she liked it, being a fan of the Bubble Gum Vodka. She didn’t even know a product like Jones Bubble Gum Soda existed, but that’s part and parcel of my job… bring little known ingredients to the masses attention!

November 4 – Cajun Kiss

Posted on November 4, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Tender Loving Care

Everybody has their own way of expressing love towards family and friends. I’m prone to copying cats and bashing my head against people to let them know of my affection! Here are some other examples of how to share your adoration:

Hongi

When Maori people greet each other (or even non-Maori folk), they lovingly touch their noses and foreheads together in a momentary embrace. If exchanged with an outsider, that person is no longer considered a visitor to the tribe. This action means that individual could be required to assist with tribal needs and that can include anything from tending to crops to even helping the tribe during times of war. Mrs. Sip and I have received this rite of passage and I will come to the defense of the Maori, if I am ever summoned.

Butterfly Kiss

This is the act of fluttering your eyelashes together with your lover, much like a butterflies wings flap. I’ve been led to believe that this type of kiss can be quite romantic, as two lovers stare longingly into each other’s eyes. I’m not a fan of getting eyelashes into my own peepers, so I certainly don’t want to welcome other’s lashes in, either. That said, Mrs. Sip has some tempting, lovely eyes, so perhaps I’ll have to get over my own fears.

Eskimo Kiss

The Inuit are known to rub their nose against a loved one’s faces when greeting one another in an act known as a kunik. A kunik can be done against a family member or friend’s nose, cheek or forehead. It is a misconception to think the Inuit perform this act so they don’t freeze together while sharing a kiss. It is actually done because the people often only have their nose and eyes exposed when outdoors, where they may come across someone they have to greet.

French Kiss

Most people know about the French kiss (the act of locking tongues with your lover in an open mouth embrace), but they don’t know how the term came about. Look no further, as the Sip Advisor has all the answers. Apparently it comes from the French having a reputation for engaging in more sexually adventurous practices and that includes the act of “the lover’s kiss”. You have to imagine that someone would have discovered this kissing variance eventually, though.

Spiderman Kiss

The smooch made famous by Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst (or at least their stunt/body doubles). Every time I’ve put myself upside down (and trust me, it happens much more often than Mrs. Sip would ever like) I don’t receive any sugar in response. I thought women got all hot and bothered by that scene in Spiderman. Why do I get such disdain when I’m hanging upside down from ziplines, diving boards, and other inanimate objects?

Hickey/Vampire Kiss

Halloween just passed, but that doesn’t mean you can’t break someone’s skin every now and again with a perfectly planted artery attack! When Mrs. Sip and I were just young teenagers in love (or was it lust), we didn’t do the hickey thing much. Anytime it did happen, we were teased so much by our family and friends that we decided to abandon the neck kissing arts. Nowadays, I think Mrs. Sip sometimes tries to get me marked just to embarrass me… that no-good, sexy she-devil!

Drink #308: Cajun Kiss (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

1 oz Cajun Spiced Rum
0.5 oz Midori
0.5 oz Gin
Top with Apple-Lime Juice
Garnish with Lime Wheel

Have I missed your favourite style of kissing? Just remember to keep it clean. You never know how many fucking kids read this site!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
This was a very good drink, which we created while experimenting with our new Cajun Spiced Rum. I largely created the recipe, but Mrs. Sip suggested the addition of the Gin and it was the touch that completed the cocktail. The Apple-Lime Juice was its usual spectacular contributor and has really become a go-to mixer for me.

October 5 – Kinky Tease

Posted on October 5, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Fetish Frenzy

There’s some weird stuff going on out there in love land… but weird can be good. Everyone has their own thing that gets their motor running and who am I to judge. That said, here are some of the odd fetishes in this mad, mad world!

Nyotaimori – The Japanese tradition of eating sushi off a naked person platter. Thankfully it is usually done on a woman’s body, because I can just see so many close calls when someone is looking for that tuna or salmon nigiri and grabs the wrong piece.

Oh good, you can do it in couples… I hope Mrs. Sip is as interested in being a sushi tray as I am!

Plushophilia – More commonly known as Furries, these folks get their mojo rising when people dress up as animals, preferably of the stuffed variety. I have to ask, do they then strip out of the outfits to get to each other’s fun bits… or would that just ruin the illusion!?

Cosplay – Ever wanted to get with a superhero or your favourite TV or movie character (even if it’s an animated one)? Here’s your chance you crazy pervert (just kidding – remember, no judging)… and you don’t even have to attend Comic-Con!

Auto-Erotic Asphyxiation – Sadly, you hear more about this fetish when people die from it, than from enjoying it. Actor David Carradine and musician Michael Hutchence are the most notable to die from the act and the entire list is full of dudes, proving women aren’t stupid enough to mix sex and death.

Tentacle Erotica – We travel back to Japan for another crazy adult love aid. Apparently tentacle porn was largely born out of censorship of the penis. So, being the industrious folks they are, the Japanese simply had tentacles penetrate a character and that was okay with everyone.

Spectrophilia – I ain’t ‘fraid of no ghosts… but that doesn’t mean they turn me on either. And how would one go about making love to a ghost? Oh, it can also include arousal to images in mirrors… well, that seems a lot more feasible.

Phalloorchoalgolagnia – Say that three times fast! This is one that will make every dude out there squirm, wince, shudder, and perhaps even feel faint or vomitous. It is taking pleasure from the pain involved in male genital abuse. Pain does equal pleasure for some folks, but not the Sip Advisor. I’m a lover, not a fighter!

Drink #278: Kinky Tease (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

0.75 oz Kinky Liqueur
0.75 oz Pomegranate Liqueur
Garnish with an Orange Wedge

There are so many other perversions out there, but I just can’t tackle them all. I don’t want to get too personal, but what gets you in the mood? If it’s funny and makes me laugh, you’ll hit my trigger!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
This is a near-perfect shot. The Kinky and Pomegranate Liqueurs are so good by themselves, so when you put them together it can go one of two ways: it can absolutely suck or it can be amazingly awesome. Thankfully, this went in the latter direction, giving Mrs. Sip and I a perfect libation for getting down and dirty!

September 28 – Das Boot

Posted on September 28, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Festival Follies

Today marks the beginning of Oktoberfest, causing drinkers everywhere to rejoice in an orgy of beer bashing and mischievous good times. While Germany is home to this fiesta, the festival is celebrated the world over… well, maybe not in those loser countries where the people don’t drink… did I mention how loser that is? I would love to celebrate a true Oktoberfest sometime in my life. Here are some other festivals that top my list of must-dos:

La Tomatina – Spain

Throwing tomatoes at a bunch of strangers… count me in! I wonder how many people end up with seed-related injuries as a result of La Tomatina. Similarly, Spain also has the Grape Throwing Festival, while Italy is home to the Battle of the Oranges. What is with Europeans and wanting to throw food at each other… starving folks around the world must be pissed about this!

Holi Festival – India

While I really don’t want to ever go to India, the country’s Holi Festival looks really neat. On the plus side, many areas around the world have ripped off the event and I might not need to ever go to India. Basically anywhere you can find people throwing coloured dust at each other will get the job done. The Color Me Rad event takes place around the world, but includes a 5km run (which you have to pay for!), so eff that!

Calgary Stampede

There’s that Canadian content again! I would love to attend this cowboy and cowgirl dream sometime and it wouldn’t be too hard, given my proximity to Calgary and having a few friends based there. From what I’ve heard, the partying is crazy and there are free pancake breakfasts each morning to help you sober up and get ready for another day of tight jeans, plaid shirts, ten gallon hats and leather boots. Yeehaw!

That’s my type of gunslinger!

Dia de los Muertos – Mexico

Otherwise known as Day of the Dead, this Mexican event puts Halloween celebrations to shame. If you’ve never seen a graveyard in Mexico that is a sight everyone needs to behold at some point in their life. Mexicans honour their deceased family and friends with decorative grave sites, which they maintain with great regularity. All the candles and embellishments are quite impressive.

Carnival/Mardi Gras – Brazil/New Orleans

So long as you don’t get robbed, beaten, sexually assaulted, or murdered, then this would be a fun time. Regardless of where you celebrate it, you’re sure to see a horde of beautiful women, from Brazil’s butt shakin’ beauties to all the tourists who take their game to New Orleans and drunkenly expose their naughty bits in exchange for beads and other trinkets.

Pingxi Lantern Festival/Obon Festival – Taiwan/Japan

These two festivals involve lighting lanterns and releasing them with the Pingxi Lantern Festival finishing with lanterns being released into the sky, while the Obon Festival ends with lanterns being let loose to float away in the water. The whole concept was used in Disney’s Tangled and was one of the most beautiful scenes I’ve ever witnessed in 3-D.

Songkran Water Festival – Thailand

I’m a huge fan of getting wet (take that as you may!) and any event that supports the worship of water is fine in my books. The Thai celebrate by soaking each other with all available items from buckets to squirt guns to hoses. My weapon of choice would be water ballons because then you also get that wonderful splat sound when you hit your target!

San Fermin Festiva – Spain

Known worldwide thanks to its main event of the Running of the Bulls, I don’t really need to attend for much else. Just let those suckers loose, get out of my way so I can have a little run before finding safety and it’s on to the next thrill. Who doesn’t want to risk getting gored into oblivion by a 2,000-pound beast? Surprisingly, only 15 people have died since 1910, as a result of the running.

Pride Festival – Worldwide

Mrs. Sip and I have yet to attend a Pride Festival, despite living in a part of the world that has a thriving LGBT community. The issue is that we’re always away over the August long weekend (usually in remote areas) and not around to partake in celebrations. We will have to rectify this if we ever have a free long weekend in the future.

Monkey Buffet Festival – Thailand

Feeding monkeys and partying… that’s an easy sell for the Sip Advisor! Even after I was attacked by monkeys in Indonesia, I still love the little bastards. One can only hope that after feeding them, they will hang around long enough to share a drink with the ol’ Sip Advisor and then we can become true bros complete with swapping e-mail addresses and friendship bracelets.

Oktoberfest – Germany

The Sip Advisor has a decent amount of family living throughout Germany, so this is another festival that could be enjoyed legitimately with little trouble. Every time Mrs. Sip or I are in the country, it’s a boozefest, so why not combine the greatest beer festival known to man in our travels and visitations. At least we honour this tradition at home when we can’t make it to Munich, in person.

Drink #271: Das Boot (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

0.75 oz Jagermeister
0.75 oz Sand Berry Liqueur
Garnish with an Orange Slice

I’ve already experienced St. Patrick’s Day in Dublin, so I left that off the list and it’s a good thing too. If I want to hit all of these events, it looks like I’m going to have a pretty busy calendar!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I had originally wanted to use a Strawberry Liqueur Mrs. Sip and I picked up in Germany for this shot, but when I popped open the bottle, the liquid had solidified. I was able to get some out, but not knowing the status of it, I decided to err on the side of caution and toss the stuff in favour of Sand Berry Liqueur, also found in Germany. My boot shot glass really came in handy for this recipe!

August 31 – Brain Freeze

Posted on August 31, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Roasted

During Frozen Cocktail Week, I subbed Jell-O shots in as the Super Saturday Shot Day post, rather than create a frozen shot… for I believed a frozen shot to be an utterly insane and useless creation. Here we are two weeks later and I have in fact created a frozen shot, inside a frozen shot glass, no less. Mrs. Sip insisted it be done and here it is… now you all have her to blame for your ice cream headaches!

With that in mind, let’s take a few moments together to roast Mrs. Sip. She may be the best thing that ever happened to me, but that doesn’t mean she’s immune from a little Sip justice!

Stuck in Rome

Mrs. Sip and I love Rome, particularly the Trevi Fountain, which we have visited multiple times during the day and at night. On our last trip there in 2007, we had already stopped by during the day with our tour group, before we went off on our own for a romantic dinner. When our meal was complete, night had fallen and Mrs. Sip insisted on returning to the fountain for a twilight viewing. Off we went, snapped a couple photos, watched a drunk guy jump in, and tossed a penny into the attraction (usually a penny for a wish to return to Rome, but since the drunk guy may have been collecting them, let’s just call it charity). When we made our way back to the subway, we were met by a locked gate. Keep in mind it was only 9 pm on a Friday night… there was no way the line could be closed.

Frantically we searched for another entrance with no luck. The place our group was staying was 40 minutes outside the city by transport, so taking a cab was clearly not an option for us poor students. We tried figuring out a bus route that might get us to the train line we needed to take, but ultimately ended up stranded in the middle of nowhere in the middle of nowhere. Looking for a safe place to stay until the trains started running again at 5am, we ended up inside an American-themed hot dog and waffle joint that was open late. The Italian waitress, who spoke no English, and one beyond-drunk customer were our only company. As Mrs. Sip napped on our little table, the drunk dude tried in loud Italian, which I don’t speak, and violent hand gestures to communicate with me. When he noticed that I clearly didn’t understand he spoke even louder (because that does the trick, obviously) Finally I got across that he knew a guy who could rent us a room..by the hour…right.

Night turned into morning and we left our little slice of salvation en route back to the train station… with our still drunk, helpful, Italian associate in tow. Fear not, little sippers, he ended up coming in handy. When we reached the station we caught the first train of the day and were off. But our day pass transit tickets had now technically expired and we had spent the last of our cash on waffles on a stick. Enter our drunk Italian friend (yes, he was our friend now) who explained to the ticket collector our struggle and situation and the nice man allowed us to continue on our journey uninterrupted. We finally made it back to our campsite at 6:30am, with enough time for an hour-long nap, before we were back aboard the bus and onto our next destination.

Lost in Monaco

Here’s another tale from that same circuit tour of Europe… we had some sketchy luck during that vacation. Mrs. Sip and I had just spent an amazing evening in Monaco, walking to the city’s famous palace and enjoying the luxury casinos in the heart of the metropolis. As our tour group reconvened and headed back to the bus for the journey back to our humble (and I really mean that) abode. Along the way, Mrs. Sip stopped to take some photos and joined one of our fellow traveler in his. I kept with the group, theorizing that I could at least grab us some seats together on the bus.

When I boarded the bus, I quickly grabbed us a spot and watched the rest of the group pour one-by-one back onto the coach. With each passing person, I grew more anxious. Then, the once steady stream stopped and nobody else seemed to be coming. I looked around the entire bus, thinking perhaps she had boarded and didn’t see me and vice versa… no such luck. I began to panic a little as our tour guide asked if anyone was missing. Mrs. Sip and one other passenger were not with the group. The minutes seemed like hours as I waited. The bus couldn’t wait around all night, as the drivers have very strict rules as to how long they can be driving and how much time off they need before journeys.

It was time to go and I had to hurriedly hustle off the coach, so as not to leave Mrs. Sip behind (wherever she might be). For some reason, I had Mrs. Sip’s passport, wallet, and credit card on me and Mrs. Sip had just our camera…and the only map of Monaco we had. Fantastic. Thankfully, I went no further than a few steps when I spotted Mrs. Sip hauling ass towards the bus. She and the other missing passenger had taken a wrong turn trying to catch up to the group after their photo and had run back and forth through an underground tunnel vainly trying to find us. We flagged down our bus, quickly boarded and were off again with only 90% of the bus giving the future Mrs. Sip disapproving looks.

Karate Kid

Mrs. Sip can be a funny specimen when she’s inebriated, although I guess we all can. During her university days, Mrs. Sip lived with a bunch of roommates who were very tight, being in the same sorority and some of them having been friends even before living together. After the girls went out for their end-of-the-year dinner, a bunch of their respective guys came up to join the party. When I arrived, Mrs. Sip and I went into her room so I could drop off my things and get settled in and she can change from her cocktail dress to something more comfy. As I sat in her computer chair, she started doing a karate-like interpretive dance and said that she could perform a roundhouse kick over my head.

Amused and curious to see where this might lead, I allowed her to make her challenge. Then, without warning, she backed up and went to fire her leg over my head… only her leg never got anywhere near me and instead, all that I heard as I closed my eyes was a sickening thud of flesh against desk. She had slammed her poor little foot, full force, right into the side of her desk and was now hopping around, howling. I’ve rarely seen Mrs. Sip cry… she’s cold as ice… but she was mighty close this time. The moans she was making had everyone in the nearby kitchen and living room thinking that the Sip Advisor was getting his swerve on. The other guys were cheering me on and congratulated me when I popped out of the room until I told them that I think she had broken her foot. The next day when I took her for x-rays, doctor’s, and hospital we had to explain over and over again that she had “kicked a desk” while I endured sidelong dubious glances from medical professionals. Ah well, I guess even Mrs. Sip is allowed a drunk faux pas every once in a while! (yes french pun intended)

Marrying the Sip Advisor

Perhaps the biggest mistake she’ll ever make! *rimshot*

Drink #243: Brain Freeze (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

0.5 oz Kraken Black Spiced Rum
0.5 oz 1800 Reposado Tequila
0.5 oz Crowberry Frost Liqueur
Blend with Ice
Garnish with a Maraschino Cherry

Mrs. Sip knows the stress she often puts me through with her misadventures… at least we’ve earned some good stories out of our mistakes!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
This is the perfect dare shot. It is not the easiest to drink (brain freeze, sensitive teeth, stomach freeze, etc.), but it’s incredibly fun and unique. The Tequila taste came out the strongest with a lingering Spiced Rum finish. I liked adding some Maraschino Cherry Juice to make it look like the frozen brain was bleeding! Give it a try sometime!

Sip Advisor

The Good, The Bad & The Bubbly

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