June 29 – Seven Deadly Sins

Posted on June 29, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Sin-tillating

The Seven Deadly Sins have always fascinated me. I have one problem with them though. Looking back, I know I’ve broken each and every one of them and I’m still kicking ass. Here’s how I’ve broken all the rules (and lived to tell about it)!

Lust

Have you seen Mrs. Sip? How could you NOT lust over this gorgeous creature? Perhaps I haven’t been busted for this sin because my advances are often rebuffed. It kind of makes sense. She can’t just give it away for free… or so I’ve been told. Similarly, sometimes I pass by a mirror and catch a glimpse of myself. Unlike Narcissus, I’m able to pull myself away from this godly image for happy hours!

Greed

If I wasn’t so lazy, I’d have more time to be greedy. That said, I do find great pleasure in my possessions, notably my prized muddler, cocktail shaker and jigger. Some of my favoruite characters are the type who have everything and would be hard to buy gifts for, including Scrooge McDuck, Iron Man, and the Million Dollar Man, Ted DiBiase.

Envy

I get jealous every time I walk into a bar and see their liquor collection. While my cabinet is nothing short of amazing, I would love to have all the different flavours at my disposal that most lounges have. I’ll get there one day, but it seems every time I add a couple bottles, I run out of other spirits. It’s a constant vicious circle which I plan to eventually conquer.

Gluttony

I am prone to the occasional feast, usually centered on chips and cookies as main courses! Then, in reverse order, we follow up with starters of pulled pork, hot dogs, burgers, and a menagerie of side dishes. Dessert still finishes the meal and is comprised of a complete ice cream sundae bar, with a million toppings, like crushed chocolate bars, cookie bits, syrups and, of course, sprinkles!

Sloth

Let’s look at my daily schedule: wake up, watch TV, drink, take a nap, drink some more, order food to be delivered, watch more TV, go to bed. Yup, seems like I can check off this sin, as well. It gets a little sad when you end up making an indentation in your favourite couch spot. This is as close to marking your territory as a human should get though, so we should all let it slide.

Wrath

Hell hath no fury like the Sip Advisor scorned… in general, I’m like the Ned Flanders of the liquor world, letting folks walk all over me. But just like when ol’ Neddy finally hit his breaking point and snapped in epic proportions, I’ve been known to spontaneously combust and when that occurs, look out. Richter scale readings have been registered when I boil over and go boom.

Pride

I can be a very boastful person… you have to be when you’re a blog entrepreneur. I have no problem annoying Facebook, Twitter, and other social media outlets with my posts and advertising this wonderful site that has brought so much pleasure to me and perhaps even to one or two others. If you have a problem with this, I’d like to see you stop me!

Drink #180: Seven Deadly Sins

0.25 oz Southern Comfort
0.25 oz Bailey’s Irish Crème
0.25 oz Sambuca
0.25 oz Blue Curacao
0.25 oz Kahlua
0.25 oz Grenadine

As it says in my mixology app, the seventh sin is drinking the shot… well, consider that done!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
Layer the ingredients in order from the bottom to the top. I thought this shot tasted really good, with a slight burn, but nothing too extreme. The layering of spirits worked out reasonably well, although some of the colours blended together, like the Kahlua and Blue Curacao. You can’t win ’em all!

March 14 – Monkey Gland

Posted on March 14, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Monkeying Around

You may not have noticed by now, but I kind of love monkeys. Along with kittens and potato chips, monkeys have made frequent guest appearances in blog posts. Even after a group of monkeys assaulted me and viciously violated me while on vacation in Indonesia, I still have a massive respect for the creatures. After all, I was guilty of holding a bag of peanuts that they wanted (that’s right elephants, peanuts are not just for you!). Thank god I had a little Indonesian woman to protect me by shooing them away with her sandal. I beg forgiveness my simian friends. Without further ado, are some of my favourite primates:

George – Curious George

You’d think with all the trouble George gets into that the Man in the Yellow Hat would send the little guy packing. And what was up with that Man in the Yellow Hat anyways? Doesn’t he realize how ridiculous he looks? Looks like a freakin’ banana if you ask me (and I know you do). No wonder Curious George was so troublesome, it was probably the result of slow psychotic breakdown from having to live with a giant talking banana. Curious George should just try to eat him sometime.

Abu – Aladdin

I often dress my kitty sidekick, Furious B, in Abu’s trademark fez hat and vest. It may result in numerous scratches and one pissed off pussy, but it’s worth it for the half second I can see him clothed before he runs and hides behind the couch and pees on my DVDs.

Mr. Teeny – The Simpsons

The roller-skating, cigar-smoking chimp and sidekick to Krusty the Clown, has lived a life few monkeys have the opportunity to. It is one of celebrity, which comes with good and bad. Hell, I’d be Krusty’s subordinate if it meant an increase in pay and getting to wear a bowtie… even if Krusty has plans to take one of Teeny’s lungs should he ever need a replacement.

Evil Monkey – Family Guy

We later learn that this monkey isn’t so evil after all. He’s actually a nice, mild-mannered being who was just down on his luck (his monkey wife had cheated on him) and found a home in Chris Griffin’s closet. If my wife cheated on me with a monkey, I’d just be crossing my fingers that it turned into a threesome.

Donkey Kong

Originally a villain, Donkey Kong worked his way into the hearts of gamers by barrel blasting and enemy bopping his way through King K. Rool’s gang of baddies. It turns out he just wants his god damn bananas back. Poor guy has to deal with a serious potassium deficiency!

King Louie – Jungle Book and Tale Spin

This orangutan sure knows how to party. His joint is always swinging with song and merriment, especially when he and best friend Baloo were given new life in the 90’s cartoon Tale Spin. In that series, he became the owner of Louie’s Place, a tropical bar, which this Sip Advisor aspires to one day track down and go to work there.

Monkey Talents

Whether it’s the air duct-invading monkey (Community), the cigarette-smoking, drug-dealing monkey (The Hangover 2), the skeleton monkey (Pirates of the Caribbean) or any other simian performer, they’re all good in my books.

Phonics Monkey – South Park

Oh my god, he killed Kenny… you bastard!

Drink #73: Monkey Gland

1.5 oz Gin (I used Beefeater)
0.5 oz Absinthe
Top with Orange Juice
Dash of Grenadine
Garnish with Orange Zest

Monkeys and their distant relatives are awesome… there’s even a gorilla in San Francisco that has a thing for breasts. And yet some people still don’t believe in evolution! Let’s not forget the Ikea Monkey (now somehow available on Twitter), whose winter coat made us all melt.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
I’d love to know why this drink is called Monkey Gland. Regardless, the cocktail was decent and one in which I actually enjoyed Orange Juice. I like how the Orange Twist came across too, as it looks more like a Blood Orange, when it wasn’t.

March 6 – Skinny Miami (The Drink)

Posted on March 6, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

A-MUSE Me

Inspiration can come in many forms. After all, Walt Disney conceived the idea for Disneyland while watching his daughters play at a Southern California playground and realizing that there weren’t many places that offered entertainment both kids and adults could enjoy together.

For a pseudo-bartender (I only play one on TV), original drink ideas can come from a wide array of avenues.

While perusing Facebook recently, a friend’s status recollected her enjoying a “Skinny Miami” while eating waffles on a hot summer day on her balcony (yes, it actually gets warm in Canada… we’re not all igloos and polar bears). Instinctively, I concluded that this must be some sort of cocktail I hadn’t heard of. After all, the comment thread was started by her kindly promoting this site (which everyone out there should be doing daily!). Being the Sip Advisor that I am, I inquired about the recipe and showcased my enthusiasm to try this new treat, hoping to share it with all of Sip Nation.

The response I received wasn’t exactly what I expected. As other mutual friends made jokes about my comment (as they were in the know) and even Mrs. Sip took a shot at me, saying we’d talk when she got home, the friend in question private messaged me, explaining that her version of a Skinny Miami, was in fact code for the thin guy from Miami she had dated last summer (okay, maybe what they were doing wasn’t exactly dating per se).

Let me tell you, my little sippers, there isn’t much that embarrasses this old dog anymore, but here I was, basically inquiring about drinking… a dude. Boy was my face red… well, more of an auburn-magenta combo.

I guess, in the end, I wasn’t far off in my assumption that a Skinny Miami was a COCKtail. And the two can have similar effects: loss of inhibition, flushed appearance, short attention span, increased self-confidence, decreased anxiety, blurred vision and all that other good stuff.

On the plus side, this gaffe of mine provided the impetus to come up with a pretty cool drink recipe that was recently tried out and results have so far come back in the positive side of the ledger.

So, if you’re anything like me, don’t be afraid to make silly mistakes. Hell, most great inventions are stumbled upon accidentally. You never know when you’ll come up with your next great idea!

Drink #65: Skinny Miami – The Drink (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

Rim glass with Sugar
1 oz Malibu Rum
Top with Champagne
Dash of Grenadine
Add Coconut Shavings (optional)

As you can see, this drink is served in a long skinny glass (at least six inches tall is preferable or so I’m told), and has a nice warm peachy colour (or flesh-like tone). And as for the white sugar around the rim… a reference to cocaine, clearly. After all, it’s Miami and I’m a huge Don Johnson fan!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
This drink actually came together pretty well. I liked how the Grenadine sank to the bottom and gave the cocktail a distinct split mixture look. The Sugar rim was also a nice visual touch, as were the Coconut Shavings at the top of the liquid.

March 4 – Red Apple

Posted on March 4, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Toxicity

Today’s drink may not be poisonous (my liver may disagree), but it has inspired me to look at the fictional folks who have suffered a toxic fate. In dissecting some of their tales, I will attempt to put myself in their shoes and provide a Sip Survivor’s Guide to lethal venoms!

Snow White – Poisoned Red Apple

Now it’s a bit beyond me as to why Snow White would ever accept a red apple from a strange old woman when she knows there’s a bounty out on her head. And doesn’t Snow know that Granny Smith’s are where it’s at and any intelligent person understands that Golden Delicious follows, in the absence of the good green stuff? I can suffer from insomnia at times, so if anyone knows where I can get my hands on one of these sleeping apples that would be pretty sweet. Of course, the chances of Mrs. Sip waking me up the next morning with a kiss are slim… She may choose to leave me in a perpetual dream world for all of time.

Dude from Crank – Beijing Cocktail

Only having one hour to live thanks to his poisoning, this guy makes the most of it, running around Los Angeles committing crimes, getting into random fights, and having exhibitionist sex with his girlfriend at the mall. I gotta say, if you wanted to kill the guy, why would you give him an hour to live and also explain this to him in a video when he awakens?… silly movies. If I was given the Beijing Cocktail, I’d use my last hour to do some hardcore parkour. If you’re going to go anyway, might as well do some stupid risky stuff first.

King Hamlet, Queen Gertrude, Laertes, King Claudius, Prince Hamlet – Hebenon

Wow, there’s a lot of bad shit going on here. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, indeed. Claudius poisons Hamlet’s father; Claudius accidentally poisons Gertrude’s wine; Laertes slashes Hamlet with a poison blade; Hamlet stabs Laertes with the same toxic blade as they scuffle; Hamlet not only stabs Claudius, but forces him to drink the poisoned wine; Horatio (where the hell did he come from?) almost willingly poisons himself, due to all the grief… okay, breathe… I can only conclude that if this was all going on around me, I’d be getting the f*ck outta Denmark!

Ron Weasley – Poisoned Mead

Mead – (def.) also called honey wine, is an alcoholic beverage that is produced by brewing a solution of honey and water…

What in the world was this underage boy doing drinking mead in the first place? What kind of supervision is taking place at Hogwart’s, a school where children are attacked on a regular basis? How does this place still have a license to teach? In the interest of full disclosure, I’m only upset because I was denied acceptance to the school, instead turning to the dark arts of blogging.

Batman – Fear Gas, Smilex

Used by the Scarecrow, fear gas causes victims to hallucinate their worse fears. While Batman, of course, is inflicted by nightmares of bats (seriously, who’s scared of friggin’ bats… just big tough guy Bruce Wayne), I would be haunted by vivid scenes of naked girls, pillow-fighting for the right to ravage Mrs. Sip. How does the old saying go: fear what you love!

And as if Batman didn’t have enough to worry about in the field of poisons, the Joker uses Smilex, a toxin which kills quickly and leaves the dead with a distorted smiling face. That wouldn’t bug me too much, given my face is permanently locked in an exaggerated grin. Remember when your mom told you not to roll your eyes because they’d get stuck in the back of your head? I never listened.

My Little Pony stable – Poison Joke

Wow, the weird paths research can take you down sometimes… this is why I never did any during my school days. So apparently, on a kids cartoon keep in mind, the ponies were once poisoned resulting in a unicorn’s horn going limp (erectile dysfunction, clearly), another’s voice becoming deep and manly (transgendered) and one suffering what seems to be the onset effects of an STD. And people thought the 1980’s excess was bad.

Cartoon Characters (Who Framed Roger Rabbit) – Dip

If I was animated, this substance would scare me more. Since I’m of the lifeless – no, wait, that doesn’t sound right… stupid thesaurus antonyms… what kind of a dinosaur is a thesaurus anyways? – I mean, since I’m of the living variety, the only Dip that scares me is Fun Dip. Poison in a pouch, if you ask me. Side note: If I was animated, I’d like to think that I’d be a cross between Wile E. Coyote and Sylvester the Cat. No lack of effort, but disappointing results all around!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Mutagen Ooze

So, one day these turtles were hanging out in the sewer when mysterious ooze was poured through a drain and splashed all over them. Almost instantaneously, they began to grow and develop a vocabulary that included words like “awesome,” “radical,” and “cowabunga.” Next came fighting skills and an obsessive love of pizza. If I was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, I’d be the slacker one. Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines, Raphael is cool but crude, Michaelanglo is a party dude, Sip Advisor (Sipario) is lazy as shit and will likely be evicted.

Drink #63: Red Apple

1.5 oz Vodka
1 oz Lemon Juice
Top with Apple Juice
Dash of Grenadine

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
This was a pretty good drink built on the back of the mixers, the Apple Juice and Lime Juice. The Grenadine finished the recipe and had the cocktail actually tasting like a red apple.

February 5 – Tequila Fizz

Posted on February 5, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Party People

The Tequila Fizz seems like a fun drink to have at a shindig. That said, do you want to play a game (in my best Jigsaw voice)? Okay, you’re planning an epic night of boozing. You can invite anyone in the universe… who would be on your guest list? Here’s who would be receiving a save-the-date from The Sip Advisor!

Andre the Giant

The drinking exploits of this 7’5″, 500-pound badass are legendary. The “8th Wonder of the World” could drink anyone under the table, so unless you are one part Irish, one part German, and two parts tree shrew, don’t even bother challenging him. He had been known to drink 156 beers in one sitting and 16 bottles of wine before wrestling three matches without showing signs of inebriation. With every group, it’s always good to have an intimidating force to back up the boys who may step out of line and cause some trouble. Andre would be that force and these next guys would be causing the mayhem…

That’s Andre’s hand wrapped around a beer can!

The Jackass Gang

You’d likely end up with some bumps and bruises, but you’d sure have a lot of fun in the process. Johnny Knoxville and company are the kings of getting into sticky situations. Thankfully, for their own wellbeing, a lot of these guys have taking the effort to sober up in recent years. That may mean a little less craziness, but these guys toned down are like normal people going on a bender.

John ‘Bluto’ Blutarsky

Bluto was like a one-man wrecking ball, destroying everything in his path. Of course, his best scene in Animal House is the cafeteria food fight, which begins with him loading up his plate with a mess of different items. This was all improv by Belushi and is a classic film moment. It is on my bucket list to be involved in a food fight and Bluto might be the man to facilitate that.

Slimer

He may not look like much, but Slimer is a good dude, with a heart of gold. Slimer would be junior vice-president of snacks and as long as he kept the unit’s supply of licorice, sour crème and onion chips, chocolate-covered peanuts and raisins and cookies well-stocked, he’d get top marks in my book. It’s been pointed out to me that Slimer might eat all our snacks, himself, but I trust the green glob.

Harry T. Stone

The jokester judge would be fun to have along for the ride and it might not be a bad idea to have a man of the court in our back pocket given the collection of rascals I’m assembling.

The Electric Mayhem

Who wouldn’t want to invite friends to a party who would jam to some awesome tunes, bring with them the rock n’ roll lifestyle, yet are soft as sock puppets? Anywhere we travelled, these guys could set their stuff up, play a few numbers and earn the crew some free drinks… maybe even some Muppet strange (they must have groupies, right!?). The best part is that we’d always have good music while we were partying to excess.

Hamburglar

Anyone who has a penchant for stealing burgers is on my A-list. Although, he did get caught a lot and his communication skills don’t seem very adequate. Perhaps will leave him in the car with the next member of our soiree…

Lindsay Lohan

Lastly, Li-Lo gets an e-vite, but only as the groups designated driver, of course!

Drink #36: Tequila Fizz

1.5 oz Tequila
Splash of Lemon Juice
Splash of Grenadine
Dash of Egg Whites
Top with Cranberry Ginger Ale

Mix all the ingredients, except the ginger ale, together in a shaker, pour into a Collins glass and then top with the pop. Who would you party with if you could choose anyone in the world? Let me know and maybe your clique can have a dance-off with me and the rest of The Revolution!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
It’s funny how much foam the Egg White created in this cocktail. Not a bad recipe here, but I’d love to try it without the Grenadine, which I feel can bog down some drinks.

January 21 – Tequila Sunrise

Posted on January 21, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Re-Tequila-fication

Hola, amigos! It’s day two of Tequila Week and it’s probably time for a little education on the subject.

I know what you’re thinking, friends: as if you need another liquor lesson so soon after the last one. But fear not, for today is special. We are being joined by The Sip Advisor’s Mexican correspondent, Señor Juan Agave (pictured below). Judging by his photo, he really knows his tequila, or as I like to sometimes call it, to-kill-ya!

There are five different categories of tequila:

Blanco – un-aged white tequila; sometimes called Silver Tequila (this is generally the cheaper stuff that all us gringos like to slam back at Señor Frog’s during Spring Break)
Joven – a mixture of blanco and reposado tequilas; sometimes called Gold Tequila
Reposado – “rested” tequila, aged for a minimum of two months
Añejo – “aged” or “vintage” tequila, aged for a minimum of one year (your sipping Tequila… that’s right you’re actually supposed to SIP fine tequila… crazy, right?)
Extra Añejo – “extra aged” or “ultra aged” tequila, aged for a minimum of three years

The Extra Añejo category has only existed since 2006 and Joven is not very common, with Blanco, Reposado and Añejo being the most recognizable distinctions. The difference between all the categories, is in smoothness, with longer aging meaning a less harsh taste. If you’re not too picky, don’t worry about it. The booze all ends up in the same place, after all… with the same results.

On the other hand, awesome Añejo tequilas can be found for reasonable prices (in places other than Canada, that is) and these can really improve the taste of any mixed drink.

Now let’s tackle the worm myth… I’d put money on the fact that every person who reads this and has taken a trip to Mexico, had at least one person tell them: “Don’t drink the worm, man!” There is no worm. You will never find a reputable bottle of tequila with a worm in it. A worm in tequila is like some kind of moonshine-maker project. If you do find a bottle of tequila in some back alley in Mexico with a worm in it, drink it immediately… this is the true fountain of youth. Please report back to me on your results… after you’re released from the hospital, of course.

There are two municipalities in Mexico named Tequila and both are producers of the liquor. One is located in Veracruz and the other in Jalisco. In Jalisco, the people are known to chase their tequila shots with a drink called Sangrita, meaning “little blood”. It’s comprised of orange juice, lime juice, grenadine, chili powder or hot sauce and a slice or two of jalapenos… hey, why not add the jalapenos? Also, in Jalisco, there is a train called the Tequila Express. Imagine if Agatha Christie’s famous novel was actually titled Murder on the Tequila Express and featured all the characters getting liquored up and into fist fights while solving the crime.

And, very randomly, the song Tequila, originally performed by The Champs, reached #1 on the Billboard Charts on March 28, 1958. It was recorded in just three takes and was never intended to be more than a B-side jam session track. I’m totally going to blast that tune while doing this Saturday’s Super Shot!

As for the Tequila Sunrise and it’s trivial pursuit, well, it has been used for the title of a movie, a pair of songs (by The Eagles and Cypress Hill, respectively) and was the finishing move of pro wrestler Konnan.

Drink #21: Tequila Sunrise

1.5 oz Tequila (I used Hornitos Reposado)
Top with Orange Juice
Drizzle Grenadine into the drink and let it settle
Garnish with a Maraschino Cherry

If done properly, or as I usually work, above average, you will have the makings of a beautiful liquid sunrise, with the red atmosphere rising to greet the day and a little fireball in the sky. Mix it all up and the sunrise is complete. In the future, I will also be making the Tequila Sunset, which substitutes blackberry liqueur or brandy for the grenadine!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
For some reason, I often find Orange Juice-based drinks disappointing and this recipe was no different. Sure, it looks neat with the Grenadine floating through the juice, but I can’t completely get behind the taste of the mix.

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