June 11 – Lolita

Banned Cinema

Movie history is littered with films that, for one reason or another, governments have banned its constituents from viewing or possessing. I’m a staunch supporter of anti-censorship. In my opinion, the discretion falls on the person themselves to decide what they do or don’t want to see, or, in the case of children, it is the responsibility of their parents to make these choices. That said, here are some notable movies that have been deemed forbidden:

Lolita

The name of today’s cocktail comes from the classic novel by Vladimir Nabokov (those crazy Russkies) that was later adapted into two movies. The story centers on an older man’s lust for a young girl, which brings about obvious concerns over subject matter. Lolita is one of the most controversial works of all time, but it’s also one of the most highly regarded, most likely due to the poetic language of its writing. I just hope the drink is decent!

Lolita

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Leatherface is one badass dude, hacking his way through any unfortunate victim(s) who stumble upon his messed up backwoods family. One of the creepiest parts of this film is right at the start when the viewer is informed that what you’re about to see is based on a true story. Of course, it isn’t, but that thought sticks with you throughout. I don’t understand why this film was banned while other similar entries in the genre flew under the radar. Perhaps, it was just ahead of its time.

Monty Python Films

The movies, Life of Brian and Meaning of Life, from the comedy troupe were banned in a few countries, such as Ireland, because they were considered blasphemous. Of course, the clever team used the bans to their advantage, creating ads that said “So funny it was banned in Norway!”.

Barney’s Great Adventure

Personally I wonder why the entire world couldn’t ban the giant purple dino! Good on Malaysia for realizing that a figment of children’s imagination that tells kids to love and hug each other is sending bad messages to youth. The government found that the film was unacceptable for children and never provided any further details… and why should they?

Barney

Cannibal Holocaust

Where to begin with this film? Most countries banned it due to violence committed on animals, but there were also rumours that actors had legitimately died in the filming and the movie was therefore of the “snuff” variety. While the human deaths were disproven, the animal cruelty was in fact real, which is not cool. The Colombian natives were also treated poorly by director Ruggero Deodato. Credit does have to be given to the makers of this movie for being one of the first “found footage” stories, however.

Last Tango in Paris

Seriously!? A country like Italy banned a movie for strong sexual content??? Didn’t they invent the language of love and all that other junk? Sure there’s a scene that involves the use of butter as lubrication, but come on, who hasn’t reached for the dairy in a pinch?! Italy, I am so disappointed in you.

A Clockwork Orange

Let’s see, why would this movie ever be banned? Could it be the gratuitous violence perpetrated by Alex and company? Could it be the home invasion, crippling and rape of an innocent couple? Not bad enough for you yet? What about the murder of another woman with a giant penis statue? Yeah, that one did it for me, too. Regardless, this cult favourite is actually a intriguing watch. This is yet another adapted screenplay from a novel and perhaps we should just ban all books, so movies don’t have to suffer.

A-Clockwork-Orange

2012

Well, this has got to be one of the craziest bans of a movie I’ve ever seen. Apparently, in North Korea, it was made illegal to show the fictional Apocalypse tale because 2012 marks the 100th birthday of former leader, Kim Il Sung, and North Korean’s had dubbed the year “the year for opening the grand gates to becoming a rising superpower”. Thus, according to the country, a film that says the year 2012 will bring about the “end of days” was too negative a message. Citizens caught with a pirated copy of the film or even viewing the movie are arrested and charged with “grave provocation against the development of the state”.

Saw VI

Saw VI was banned for scenes of gory violence and torture… yeah, because it differs so drastically from movies I through V! I like the Saw series of movies, particularly the first two entries. While I can see why some would hesitate to watch this franchise (and the many that have followed in a similar fashion since), that is their decision to make and not the government’s.

saw

Goldfinger

The James Bond film was banned in Israel after a short run when it was revealed that Gert Fröbe, who played villain Auric Goldfinger, was once a member of Germany’s Nazi Party. The ban was lifted a few months later when a man came forward saying that he and his mother had been hidden and saved from the Nazi Gestapo by Fröbe. This was the planned sequel to Schindler’s List.

Hostel Movies

These horror flicks were banned for depicting the people of Eastern European countries as buyers of human slaves… which is incredibly accurate, but something the Ukrainian government took great offense to. It’s like if Canada took offense to a movie about hockey goons, who love their poutine.

Drink #162: Lolita

Lolita Cocktail

Of all these banned movies, I’ve only seen a handful of them. I’m intrigued to check out the one’s I have yet to view, with Barney’s Great Adventure topping my list. Perhaps I’ll even review it for all my little sippers!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
The simple recipe largely recreates a Sangria taste and that is totally welcome in my little world! I particularly like how this drink is garnished, especially when you think of the Lolita story.

June 10 – Funky Garlic

Let the Wine Flow

The internet is filled with wine memes; some good, some bad. This is a small collection of memes I think are worth checking out, giving folks a little chuckle with their daily dose of libation goodness:

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Why can’t it be both!? Sure, wine can lead a woman down the path of awesome, but what really takes the fairer sex over the edge is the dude who gives her confidence and makes her comfortable in her own skin. Admittedly, it works both ways, but we would never credit beer with making us feel sexy and strong… drunk and disorderly fit that bill a little better!

finewine

Well, the ladies had their fun in the first photo and us fellas get our revenge here. I must say, if women love their wine so much, why would they be angry to be locked in the wine cellar? I guess the wine would eventually run out and it might be a little boring, but for the first week or so, you could have your own little one-woman party!

i-love-wine-funny-pictures

I’m pretty sure the exact same thing has happened to me before with Mrs. Sip! I let it slide because when she hears me say “I love you” before bed at night, I’m either talking to my cocktail nightcap or my serving of cookies and milk. Can you feel the love, little sippers!?

Sink Fixed

Damn, if I could turn one of my sinks into a wine dispenser, or better yet, a whiskey or rum version of the picture above, I’d be the happiest man in the world… and I’m basically there already, so let’s push me over the edge. I’m asking all my handyman friends out there to make my dream come true… I’ll even consider it an early birthday present!

funny-wine-someecards

This is a great idea and we might be onto something for the wino/vagrant community. Personally, I think tequila bottles would benefit most from this sort of marketing because you can get a little loco when pursuing the worm!

Drink #161: Funky Garlic

Funky Garlic Wine Cocktail

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I really don’t get the name of this drink. That said, it tastes decent, but the Wine is largely buried. The Cola is quite prominent in the recipe, perhaps a little overwhelming. Combining Wine with conventional mixers like Cola and Lemon-Lime Soda makes for an interesting concoction, but it falls a little short in the taste department.

June 9 – Sangria

Wine Time

Well, Wine Cocktail Week is finally here. I’m far from a wine connoisseur, but I’m willing to try some new recipes and see what the results are, which I’m pretty sure is how wine was invented in the first place. If I mess anything up in today’s lesson, don’t go all wine snobby on me. I accept you for your many faults, and you should forgive me for the one or two mistakes I make on a yearly basis. Capiche! On with the lesson:

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There are thousands of different types of wine, made up of hundreds of different grape combos. Some of the most popular wine varieties include: Sauvignon Blanc, Chardonnay, Pinot Gris/Grigio, Riesling, Gewürztraminer, Zinfandel, Pinot Noir, Syrah, Shiraz, Merlot, and Cabernet Sauvignon. My personal favourite wine is Francis Coppola’s Diamond Collection, Emerald Label Pinot Grigio. Damn, son, that’s a mouthful!

The Top 10 wine producing countries are: France, Italy, Spain, the United States, Argentina, China, Australia, South Africa, Germany, and Portugal. I have to say that I’m a little surprised Canada has yet to crack this list given we have a number of wonderful wine regions. Oh well, something to aim for in the future.

Despite tradition, the screw cap method of opening a bottle of vino is quickly replacing corked tops, thanks to the ease and simplicity of which a bottle can be opened. I can’t count how many times Mrs. Sip and I have been stuck on vacation without our trusty bottle opener, leaving us in a lurch when trying to crack open some wine. Perhaps Ma and Pa Sip have the right idea with boxed wine? Easy to open and a lot more alcohol to share!

funny-wine1

Wine is one of the healthier libation options, as it contains fewer calories than beer and is fat- and cholesterol-free. A glass a day (or more) will keep the doctor away… or at least we all hope!

Contrary to popular belief, many wines should be enjoyed within a year of being bottled and not left to “age”. If you are looking for a good wine to age, ask an expert. In an interesting contrast, as white wines sit, they gain colour, while their red counterparts lose colour the longer they wait to be served.

A number of celebrities have invested their money into the wine industry, including aforementioned film producer Francis Coppola; musicians Bob Dylan, Madonna, and Sting; hockey superstar Wayne Gretzky; race car driver Jeff Gordon; screen stars Raymond Burr, Dan Aykroyd, Emilio Estevez, Drew Barrymore, and Antonio Banderas; theme park heir Diane Disney; and golfers Arnold Palmer, Ernie Els, and Mike Weir.

Perhaps Zach Galifianakis will be the next celeb to invest in a winery!?

Perhaps comedian Zach Galifianakis will be the next celeb to invest in a winery!?

Now to the mathematics portion of the post… here are important grape-to-wine measurement ratios to remember: one grape cluster (75 grapes) equals one glass of wine. Four clusters equal one bottle of wine. 40 clusters of grapes equals one vine, which makes up 10 bottles. 1,200 clusters (30 vines) equals one barrel, which equals 60 gallons, which equals 25 cases of wine. 400 vines equals one acre of land, which equals five tons of grapes, resulting in 332 cases of sweet lady liquor. And you didn’t even need a calculator! If you find that math too confusing, just remember $10 equals one bottle of decent California or Okanagan wine, and what numbers do we really otherwise need?

When describing the smell of a wine, you have to be careful with which words to use, otherwise you could look like a buffoon. Bouquet refers to the total scent of the wine, while aroma is meant for the grapes. If you wish to combine both the bouquet and aroma, you would call that the nose. This is starting to make my head spin and we haven’t even begun to drink yet. Let’s get on with it then.

Drink #160: Sangria

Sangria

  • Sliced Strawberries, Orange, Lemon, Lime, and Raspberries
  • 1.5 Litres Red Wine (I used Peller Estates Merlot)
  • ½ Cup Triple Sec
  • Top each drink with Lemon-Lime or Club Soda
  • Garnish with Fruit from Pitcher and Wine Charm

Now you’re ready to open up your own winery. All you need is a cool name. I’d call my own winery Siparellio, giving it a hint of Italian heritage, while having absolutely none at all. Salute!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
I really enjoy my and Mrs. Sip’s homemade Sangria (no dirty thoughts, fellas)! I’m not even a big wine fan, but with all the fruit we put in and when we top it all off with some Lemon-Lime Soda, you can’t go wrong with this very refreshing, perfect for summer treat!

June 8 – B-52

Numerically Yours

We discover our favourite numbers through a variety of sources. They can be religious in meaning, the numbers of your sports’ idols, a special date, or they could have absolutely no back story whatsoever… you just like the damn digits. Here are some of my favourite numerals:

7

Lucky #7 has always been my preferred jersey number. It dates back to my favourite hockey player when I was really young, Cliff Ronning. I was a small little guy growing up and Ronning was a bit of an inspiration for me giving his stature in the size-dominated sports world. I even attended Ronning’s hockey school a couple years in a row, which was an early highlight in this amazing life I lead.

Seven

13

I don’t fear this number at all, as I had my best young hockey season (point wise) wearing jersey #13. I’ve always found it interesting that hotels and cruise ships, among other enterprises, don’t have a “13th” floor. Doesn’t that just make floor 14 bad luck? Now you’re spreading the poison and before you know it, all numbers will be infected with evil.

21

When I joined a beer league hockey team one year, available numbers were scarce. I decided to take #21, hoping that eventually I’d earn an internationally recognized nickname: Blackjack. While that stardom never happened, I did put up decent numbers for the team and given it was a beer league, the ale and lager were regularly flowing, which is what the game is all about!

69

What red-blooded male doesn’t have a fondness when these digits come together in perfect harmony and symmetry? While not many athletes have sported the filthy little number on their jersey, it should be noted that minor league hockey enforcer Mel ‘The Mangler’ Angelstad donned the #69 while suiting up for the Washington Capitals in two career NHL outings. He recorded two penalty minutes in those games.

Lucky Numbers 69

666

The devil’s number… it might be a scary sign to some, but I think the darkside should be embraced. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not one of those Satanists or something, I just believe that without bad, we wouldn’t know what good was. Damn, I just had this weird flashback to the Philosophy of Religion course I took many moons ago. I need something to wash that taste out of my mouth.

2012

Not only was this supposed to be the year of the Mayan-predicted “end of time”, but it was also the year I got married to Mrs. Sip… which I thought would surely bring about the apocalypse. I was pretty sure as we exchanged our vows and said our “I dos” that I could hear the faint galloping of the four horsemen… that would have made for some pretty epic wedding photos, am I right!?

6679

The above number looks totally random and while it is, it does hold special meaning for both Mrs. Sip and me. While I can’t divulge why it’s an important number for us, I’m sure that some smart hacker type out there will probably figure it out and ruin our lives. I say bring it on and we will destroy you!

Drink #159: B-52

B-52 Shot

This post has been brought to you by the numbers 19, 22, 25, and 30… if anybody out there in Sip Nation can crack code as to what these numbers mean, drop me a line. We’re talking Da Vinci Code shizzle here!

Sip Advisor’s Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I thoroughly enjoyed this shot and am now inspired to try other members of the B-[insert number here] family. The Grand Marnier adds a nice orange taste to the Kahlua and Bailey’s, which often team up together for positive results. Layering these ingredients wasn’t nearly as difficult as other shots and cocktails that require the same technique.

June 7 – Blue Angel

Blue Me Away

If I was forced to choose, I’d have to say that blue is one of my favourite colours. And why not? It’s the colour of my eyes, I look good in clothes of that hue, and some of my preferred things in existence match that shade. Speaking of which, here are some awesome matter that come in blue.

Cookie Monster

Readers should be quite familiar with my affinity for cookies and their patron saint, the Cookie Monster. I wish the Cookie Monster was a real being, who would hang out with me as we debated the facts of life over a plate of cookies and side glass of milk. We’d be the best of buds: me baling him out of jail after a cookie bender; he driving me to the hospital after a bout of alcohol poisoning. Ah, the memories.

Cookie-monster-bedtime

Bluegrass Music

I love this music, but I can’t put a finger on exactly why. Perhaps it gets to the core of the southern boy in me, happy to sip moonshine out of a jug, while Earl and Emmitt twang the strings on their banjos. Then we go swimming in the ol’ cement pond, farmer tans proudly exposed to the world as we swing from tires hung from trees. A simple existence, but an amazing one!

Blueberries

While they aren’t my favourite berry, they’re my favourite blue berry! *rimshot* Seriously, though, blueberries are pretty good and they’re full of healthy crap. They are said to lower cholesterol and blood sugar levels, aiding in combating the symptoms of heart disease and even depression. For this, we salute the little blueberry, especially the vodkas and other liqueurs that have been created from its flavouring.

Josh Blue

This comedian burst onto the scene, winning the 2006 edition of reality show Last Comic Standing, and later made recurring appearances on Mind of Mencia, hosted by fellow comic Carlos Mencia. Not only is Blue a top joker, making light of his cerebral palsy, but Blue was also a member of the 2004 US Paralympic Soccer Team.

The Sky

We’ve all been mesmerized by the sky at one point or another in our lives. Looking up and watching white, fluffy clouds float across the blue atmosphere. If not for blue sky, we wouldn’t have picturesque beautiful days to truly appreciate. When we’ve angered that blue sky, it turns grey and drops venomous precipitation upon us. The sky cries and we cry with it.

Blue Man Group

While I’ve never seen their show yet, I wish to one day catch it. With the frequency that Mrs. Sip and I are in Las Vegas, we’re bound to catch a performance eventually. One of the best ongoing gags in Arrested Development was Tobias working as an understudy of the Blue Man Group and constantly getting his blue paint all over the family home.

"I'm afraid I just blue myself!"

“I’m afraid I just blue myself!” – Tobias Funke

Blue Jeans

Perhaps my favourite article of clothing ever, jeans, is awesome because everyone can look good in a pair of them. Just find the right size and style and you’ll have more swagger than a college football quarterback. It’s always a sad day when a pair of blue jeans has run its course in the Sip wardrobe. On the plus side, that means a new pair is on the horizon, set for an unfathomable volume of adventures.

Blue Curacao

Of course something from the world of alcohol had to make this list. I like Blue Curacao, perhaps even more so, knowing that Mrs. Sip doesn’t like the spirit. Sometimes I try to slip it into her drinks just to later throw it in her face that she just drank the substance! I could have also mentioned Blue Agave, crucial to the production of tequila, but Blue Curacao factors into today’s drink!

Drink #158: Blue Angel

Blue Angel Drink Recipe

  • 1 oz Blue Curacao
  • Top with Champagne
  • Garnish with Orange Wedge and Raspberry

While there is much to like about the colour blue, there are also some things to hate, that try to sneak into this awesome classification. Bleu cheese, for instance, is downright disgusting. Similarly, the Toronto Blue Jays are among my least favourite sports franchises thanks to the club being crammed down my throat as ‘Canada’s baseball team’. These true blues can burn in red hell, as far as I’m concerned!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (2.5 Sips out of 5):
The Blue Curacao does what it can, but I’m still not a fan of champagne-based drinks. If anyone out there has a never fail champagne cocktail recipe, please pass it along, so that I can finally enjoy the bubbly as it was meant to be appreciated.

June 6 – Flaming Larynx

Unreal Tournament

Reality TV dominates the airwaves. It’s a sad, but true fact. Even channels that were meant for a better purpose have given up on higher ideals and resorted to cheaper and far less educational programming. A&E (Arts and Entertainment) is crowded with shows about storage unit auctions and shipping wars. TLC (The Learning Channel) seems to think they’ll educate the country with series’ like Sister Wives, Jon and Kate Plus 8, and 19 Kids and Counting. Even my blessed Discovery Channel is now stocked full of reality fare. You have American Pickers, American Hoggers, American Chopper, American Hot Rod, American Restoration… is there anything American that we haven’t covered yet? How about American Transvestites? You know that some channel out there is now working on a pilot episode. Anyway, here are some reality shows I wish really didn’t exist:

What-if-this-planet-is-a-reality-show-for-other-planets

Then we’re all screwed, Keanu…

16 and Pregnant

I still can’t tell if the producers are trying to glorify teenage pregnancy or caution the youth of today to be safe and not have kids at such a young age. Sure, we see the young moms struggle through their nine-month term, often being ostracized by their friends and spurned by their baby daddy, but the style in which they present these stories, often trying to put a flowery and positive spin on things with animations seems to not be getting the proper message across. Plus, what you’re really saying is go ahead and get pregnant at 16 and you’ll be a one-off TV star. Way to peak before adulthood.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo

The reason I don’t watch Mad Men is because I feel none of the characters have any redeeming qualities and I can’t root for any of them. This pile of trash is largely the same. I suppose you can watch it (like most of reality TV) to see how much of a train wreck these people’s lives are and feel better about where you are in life, but surely you could get the same feeling watching the six o’clock news broadcast. Anyway, the Toddlers in Tiara’s spinoff star and her family run around the various pageants that make up this sick circuit and need subtitles for any dialogue they spew. Sickeningly, the family gets paid a reported $50,000 per episode and Honey Boo Boo’s net worth is estimated at $300,000. That will buy a lot of Go Go Juice – the title character’s mixture of Mountain Dew and Red Bull.

honey-boo-boo-demotivational-poster-da0c68d1-sz500x625-animate

Big Brother

Have you ever tried to sit down and watch an episode of this long-running series? Just flipping through the channels, I stopped briefly as a few contestants were perilously perched above dunk tanks, and continued watching as I like seeing people get soaked. But they were using acronyms incomprehensible to the average viewer (or an English dictionary) and it ran more like a show for “America’s Most Weird and Socially Awkward”. How anyone can watch this drivel of people constantly whispering and giggling to each other while scheming behind other house guest’s backs is beyond explanation.

Breaking Amish/Amish in the City

Why can’t we just let the Amish be? They don’t bug us… why are we so obsessed with ruining their culture and traditions? First it was Weird Al Yankovic and his hilarious Amish Paradise parody and then the producers at TLC and MTV (the former Music Television channel, which is largely devoid of music now) decided they wanted a slice of the anti-Amish pie. Both series follow Amish teens during their rite of passage, Rumspringa, where they are given the opportunity to explore the world outside their communities before choosing whether to return or not. Personally, I figured most of them would return just to get away from all this garbage television.

Non-Talented Celebrity Show

I know what you’re thinking… how’s he going to narrow this down because frankly, there aren’t many out there in reality TV land who have any discernible talent, whatsoever. Who I’m really singling out is your Paris Hilton’s, Nicole Richie’s, and Kardashian’s of the world, who have contributed absolutely nothing positive to this planet, yet have their own shows, clothing lines, and empires. If all you need to do in today’s world is have a sex tape, then Mrs. Sip and myself will get right on it… boy, won’t she be surprised!

funny-Kim-Kardashian-sunbathing

Splash

So, let me get this straight. We had to wait a decade for a fourth season of Arrested Development, but a show about “celebrities” performing high dives (or in Louie Anderson’s case, belly flopping) gets put on air and actually gains a viewership… I need some god damn aspirin.

So You Think You Can Dance

Short answer: you can’t… going into uncontrollable spasms is not dancing… ask anyone prone to seizures. I absolutely deplore these dance shows. The only people I want to see get down and dirty are Will da Thrill and Buggaloo Shrimp… Jump on it!

Drink #157: Flaming Larynx

June 6

  • 1.5 oz Whiskey (I used Wiser’s Spiced)
  • Top with Cranberry Juice
  • Splash of Clamato Juice
  • Garnish with Lime Wedges

This is a drink I wish upon all of the “singers” performing on American Idol, The Voice, America’s Got Talent, The X-Factor and any other talent search. And trust me, I use the term “talent” very loosely. If you’re wondering if there’s any “reality” programming the Sip Advisor actually likes, there are a few shows that I don’t mind. With so much reality TV, you have to pick up one or two shows or else you might as well throw your TV off your balcony, hoping to crush Kim Kardashian. I enjoyed Last Comic Standing when it use to air and really got into the tattoo-themed Ink Master. I also watch Bar Rescue from time to time because (shock!) I like the subject matter, and some of Gordon Ramsay’s programming has been viewed by myself and Mrs. Sip.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I found this recipe because I had a little leftover Clamato Juice. In certain recipes, I’m learning that the mixer can make an interesting addition. It’s certainly not only for Caesars. I wouldn’t say this drink is flaming in anyway, and by that I mean spicy, but it’s pretty decent.

June 5 – Asian Mist

Spit Roast

I’m not sure if this is where the drink gets its name, but it’s a common gimmick in wrestling for a Japanese grappler – Great Kabuki, Great Muta, Killer Khan, Yoshihiro Tajiri, Kwang, and the list of foreign baddies goes on and on – to spit “Asian Mist” in their opponent’s eyes. The act is so common that the different-coloured mists even have diverse “effects”. Green blinds temporarily, red burns, black blinds for prolonged periods, blue puts rival’s to sleep, yellow paralyzes, and purple causes memory loss… only in the crazy world of wrestling! Here are some other well-known spitters:

Acid Reflux

In the Mortal Kombat game franchise, the character of Reptile can spit poisonous venom at his opponent – “forward, forward, A”– was the move combo, I believe. Reptile was one of my favourite characters to use in the game because of his bad ass ways. Over the years, his fatalities (a hallmark of the MK series) have included biting off the head of an opponent and regurgitating deadly acid upon a prone foe.

Bloody Hell

In a somewhat similar vein to the Asian Mist, gothic wrestler Gangrel was known to drink “blood” from a goblet and then spit it into the air, or into the face of a foe, blinding them in the process. Those crazy vampires… what will they think of next? If only us humans could harness a way to spit daylight in their faces and eradicate your Edwards and Bellas from the world.

Dilophosaurus Venomous

In Jurassic Park, these little bastards are known to spit blinding venom at their human creators and captors… you think the little monsters would have some sense of gratitude! On the theme park attraction based off the movie franchise, the first sign of danger occurs when some Dilophosaurs pop up and promptly spit at the passing vehicles and passengers. They’ve caught me a time or two and I have to say that I must be immune to their toxins because I reacted to it similarly to everyday tap water.

Dis-Service Industry

There has always been a fear amongst restaurant complainers that their food will be returned to them with a loogie special sauce added to their meal, courtesy of a disgruntled cook or cashier. I’m not a natural complainer (don’t you hate those people!), but this fear provides an additional reason not to do so in fast food joints or any other eatery. I like my burger sans spit, thank you very much.

food spit

Sports Salivation

There have been a number of spitting incidents in the realm of professional sports, each more disgusting than the last. It doesn’t seem to matter which sport is being played, as even golfer Tiger Woods had to deal with an incident after spitting on a green during a tournament in Dubai. Possibly the most famous spit scandal belongs to Roberto Alomar, who loogied on an umpire. He still managed to gain entry into the Baseball Hall of Fame, despite the controversy.

I’m Hit: The Keith Hernandez Story

This may be one of my favourite Seinfeld moments, as Kramer and Newman tell the story of baseball star Keith Hernandez spitting on them following a game. The entire scene mimics the movie JFK, and the recounting of the story is filmed in a similar fashion to the Zapruder videos of John F. Kennedy’s assassination. Jerry takes the role of conspiracy theorist and proves that there had to be a second spitter to explain the outlandish tale.

Spit-Take

Comedian and actor Danny Thomas is often credited with inventing the spit-take. I wonder if he would have come up with the gag if he knew that many years later, wrestlers would be blinding their opponents and causing memory loss using the same tactic he used to get laughs!?

Drink #156: Asian Mist

Asian Mist Martini

  • 1.5 oz Malibu Rum
  • 0.75 oz Melon Liqueur
  • 0.25 oz White Rum
  • Top with half Lemon-Lime Soda and half Pineapple Juice
  • Garnish with a Lemon Wedge

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
This drink was a little on the sweet side, but it’s relatively strong and, like always, that’s a good thing. The coconut and lemon flavours work well together, but sometimes I just can’t get my head around pineapple juice. I mean, I love Hawaiian-style pizza, but drinking the stuff has been known to throw me off.

June 4 – Glitter and Trash

Auction Hunter

As a collector of fine liquor knick-knacks, I recently hit EBay to find my next diamond in the rough. Here are some goodies (and some not-so-goodies) I was able to unearth:

Empty Bottles

Let’s start with an easy one. You know, once the alcohol is all gone, these bottles are only worth the bottle return deposit. What, did someone famous drink from them? Are they a brand that is hard to find and therefore has some value in its rarity? No, they’re just empty bottles, worth a combined total of 20-cents? Alrighty, I’ll pass. Verdict: Trash (with a capital T)

empty bottles

Japanese Drunken Man Decanter

Maybe I’m missing something culturally, but I would never want to have this in my house. The colours are all weird and I don’t understand why anyone would dress in top hat, bow tie and dress jacket, while also wearing a Lone Ranger-esque mask and polka dot pants. Verdict: Trash

drunken man liquor decanter

Liquor Globe

I think this little item is kind of neat, especially with a world traveler like Mrs. Sip in my household. I do wish the map was a little more detailed, so you could better pinpoint where you’ve been and where you’d like to go, as you enjoy your spirits, but all in all, this is a pretty cool dispenser. Verdict: Glitter

liquor globe

Little Wizzer

I really don’t understand these type of products… yeah, because I want my liquor to come out through a little boy’s dong. I guess there’s a gag element to the whole thing, but it doesn’t really work for me. I’ve also seen the wizzer come in other styles, like golfer and geezer, so clearly there’s a market for urinated alcohol. Verdict: Trash

bonny boy liquor dispenser

Electronic Liquor Dispenser

Alright, let’s finish strong. I would love to have this item at the Sip Advisor headquarters. You simply tap a button and whatever liquor you have hooked up to that corresponding switch fills your glass. The dispenser is pricey, however, some running as high as $400… they do often come with free shipping, though! Verdict: Glitters like gold, diamonds and all the other good stuff!

Liquor Dispenser

Drink #155: Glitter and Trash

June 4

Okay, I’m not actually a booze-themed auction hunter… I only play one on the internet. Still, it was kind of fun to see what was available on the wild, wild web and I even found a few items I would love to own. Got something you want to sell me? Drop me a line and I’ll ask Mrs. Sip to increase my allowance!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I liked this recipe and was able to taste all the ingredients from within, from the Strawberry and Kiwi in the Vodka, to the Juniper flavouring in the Gin. The Lemon-Lime Soda just finished the drink perfectly. I’m not sure what the name is all about… luckily this cocktail is better than advertised in its name.

June 3 – Rob Roy

Reading Rainbow

Mrs. Sip will sadly tell you that I don’t read very much of anything. I suppose I’m a visual learner, but that may be a complete fabrication. I’ve often bragged that I’m the world’s first non-reading writer. That said, I have found great enjoyment from these drink recipe books and other gifts:

cat reading

Old Man Drinks

These are cocktails solely meant for hardened veterans of the booze wars. Spliced together with quotes from advanced drinkers are many wonderful recipes, mostly invoking strong alcohols like whiskey, scotch, rum and gin. I’ve used this brilliant little book for a bunch of drinks that have been featured on this site, including today’s libation.

The Ultimate Bar Book

This book is massive! Massive is a good thing, though, as that means it holds a copious amount of recipes, tips and other notes. You can really find almost anything in the manual’s 816 pages. For example, there are entries on selected brands for virtually every liquor I’ve ever heard of… and I’ve heard of a lot of spirits. There are also a ton of recipes which will make you thirst for a cocktail.

hate-reading

Pink Panther Cocktail Party Deck

Sure, this set contains a full-deck of cards, except they’re not of the playing variety, they’re of the drinking variety. I’ve played a fun little game before where I draw a random card and then make said drink. Best of all, you can play this game all by your lonesome. It’s like the best game of solitaire ever… until some ass hat says you’re an alcoholic for drinking alone!

Margarita Martini Mojito

I’ll give you three guesses as to what types of recipes are contained in this book. Need a couple hints? Well, you’re wrong, it covers champagne, beer and wine cocktails. Just kidding, you were totally right, as you used your ESP to tap into my train wreck of a brain. There are some wicked drinks in this book, covering the three M’s of cocktails, that I’ll surely have to consider going forward.

Drink #154: Rob Roy

Rob Roy Cocktail

  • 2 oz Scotch (I used Glenfiddich Millennium Vintage)
  • 1 oz Sweet Vermouth
  • Dash of Orange Bitters
  • Garnish with a Maraschino Cherry

This seems like the perfect drink to sit back with, open up one of my recipe books and take notes on the next great creations for all you little sippers. Just let me grab my ol’ reading goggles and notepad. Mrs. Sip better check up on me every few minutes to make sure I don’t doze off or flip on the TV!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
This is such a classic drink and it’s been well-documented that I like my Manhattan family cocktails. This was also the first time I got to play around with a new bottle of Orange Bitters (courtesy Ma and Pa Sip). There’s not too much to really complain about for this drink, so make one today and enjoy!

June 2 – Backyard Tea

No Need for Crumpets

One of my all-time favourite places to have a drink is on the back deck at Ma and Pa Sip’s place, after a day of tanning and swimming, while watching the sun set and enjoying a barbecue meal. Before the evening morphs into late night shenanigans and beer pong, this is a moment to relax, catch your breath, and enjoy all the little pleasure in life. Here are some of my other preferred drinking locations:

Disneyland/Disneyworld

There’s just something about grabbing a beer and enjoying the park that is so amazing. You can either use it to help you through a portion of a long attraction line-up or just sit back and relax, taking in the sights and sounds that make the lands come to life. I’ve also had two of my most crazy drinking experiences at these parks, one at Disneyland (see Hidden Mickey) and once at Disneyworld’s EPCOT (to be featured in a future post).

drunk-pooh

Balconies

While Mrs. Sip often calls it a night and hits the dream world, I’m just not ready to join her. In these cases, I can often be found on the many balconies I’ve had the pleasure of drinking on. Whether it’s Santorini, Greece, watching the waves roll onto the beach; the isolated wilderness of Wigwam, B.C.; or aboard our honeymoon cruise, enjoying tropical lightning storms; I always find good use of my balcony time.

Camping

Is there anything better than relaxing in the great outdoors, being one with nature, and getting your swerve on!? Providing you have copious amounts of booze, a ton of snacks, a roaring fire and a comfy chair, do you really need much more to the camping experience? Sure bug spray and a lamp or flashlight might help… hell, a tent could come in handy too, but as long as you have the essentials, everything will work out!

drunk camping

Bar Patio

With patio season rapidly approaching, I’ve spent a great many hours finding some of the best spots in my area to enjoy a frosty beverage in the open air. It’s so nice to have the sun shining down upon you with liquid relief close by; great friends and good conversation to pass the time… it almost brings a tear to my eye. In my little part of the world, given our short and mild summer, we use any excuse possible to get out onto the patios, even if it’s not really that warm.

My Couch

I’ve made it quite clear on this site that I’m a reasonably lazy fellow. I enjoy my down time and that usually comes in the form of libations in front of the tube, wasted away in Margaritaville and other locales. When I’m off in my own little world, it’s best not to disturb me or else you run the risk of having to reset my circuit. I’m just full of programming flaws!

Drink #153: Backyard Tea

June 2

After writing this post, I can’t wait for summer to be here. You know it’s just around the corner when the wonderful scent of barbecue wafts through the neighbourhood air. Makes sure to enjoy one of these drinky-poos this season!

Sip Advisor’s Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
This was a wonderful mix. I love my Sailor Jerry’s and the Iced Tea was fun to play with – an ingredient I’ve wanted to experiment with for a little while now. The Lemonade just heightened the lemon flavour in the recipe for a tangy taste.