June 6 – Flaming Larynx

Unreal Tournament

Reality TV dominates the airwaves. It’s a sad, but true fact. Even channels that were meant for a better purpose have given up on higher ideals and resorted to cheaper and far less educational programming. A&E (Arts and Entertainment) is crowded with shows about storage unit auctions and shipping wars. TLC (The Learning Channel) seems to think they’ll educate the country with series’ like Sister Wives, Jon and Kate Plus 8, and 19 Kids and Counting. Even my blessed Discovery Channel is now stocked full of reality fare. You have American Pickers, American Hoggers, American Chopper, American Hot Rod, American Restoration… is there anything American that we haven’t covered yet? How about American Transvestites? You know that some channel out there is now working on a pilot episode. Anyway, here are some reality shows I wish really didn’t exist:

What-if-this-planet-is-a-reality-show-for-other-planets

Then we’re all screwed, Keanu…

16 and Pregnant

I still can’t tell if the producers are trying to glorify teenage pregnancy or caution the youth of today to be safe and not have kids at such a young age. Sure, we see the young moms struggle through their nine-month term, often being ostracized by their friends and spurned by their baby daddy, but the style in which they present these stories, often trying to put a flowery and positive spin on things with animations seems to not be getting the proper message across. Plus, what you’re really saying is go ahead and get pregnant at 16 and you’ll be a one-off TV star. Way to peak before adulthood.

Here Comes Honey Boo Boo

The reason I don’t watch Mad Men is because I feel none of the characters have any redeeming qualities and I can’t root for any of them. This pile of trash is largely the same. I suppose you can watch it (like most of reality TV) to see how much of a train wreck these people’s lives are and feel better about where you are in life, but surely you could get the same feeling watching the six o’clock news broadcast. Anyway, the Toddlers in Tiara’s spinoff star and her family run around the various pageants that make up this sick circuit and need subtitles for any dialogue they spew. Sickeningly, the family gets paid a reported $50,000 per episode and Honey Boo Boo’s net worth is estimated at $300,000. That will buy a lot of Go Go Juice – the title character’s mixture of Mountain Dew and Red Bull.

honey-boo-boo-demotivational-poster-da0c68d1-sz500x625-animate

Big Brother

Have you ever tried to sit down and watch an episode of this long-running series? Just flipping through the channels, I stopped briefly as a few contestants were perilously perched above dunk tanks, and continued watching as I like seeing people get soaked. But they were using acronyms incomprehensible to the average viewer (or an English dictionary) and it ran more like a show for “America’s Most Weird and Socially Awkward”. How anyone can watch this drivel of people constantly whispering and giggling to each other while scheming behind other house guest’s backs is beyond explanation.

Breaking Amish/Amish in the City

Why can’t we just let the Amish be? They don’t bug us… why are we so obsessed with ruining their culture and traditions? First it was Weird Al Yankovic and his hilarious Amish Paradise parody and then the producers at TLC and MTV (the former Music Television channel, which is largely devoid of music now) decided they wanted a slice of the anti-Amish pie. Both series follow Amish teens during their rite of passage, Rumspringa, where they are given the opportunity to explore the world outside their communities before choosing whether to return or not. Personally, I figured most of them would return just to get away from all this garbage television.

Non-Talented Celebrity Show

I know what you’re thinking… how’s he going to narrow this down because frankly, there aren’t many out there in reality TV land who have any discernible talent, whatsoever. Who I’m really singling out is your Paris Hilton’s, Nicole Richie’s, and Kardashian’s of the world, who have contributed absolutely nothing positive to this planet, yet have their own shows, clothing lines, and empires. If all you need to do in today’s world is have a sex tape, then Mrs. Sip and myself will get right on it… boy, won’t she be surprised!

funny-Kim-Kardashian-sunbathing

Splash

So, let me get this straight. We had to wait a decade for a fourth season of Arrested Development, but a show about “celebrities” performing high dives (or in Louie Anderson’s case, belly flopping) gets put on air and actually gains a viewership… I need some god damn aspirin.

So You Think You Can Dance

Short answer: you can’t… going into uncontrollable spasms is not dancing… ask anyone prone to seizures. I absolutely deplore these dance shows. The only people I want to see get down and dirty are Will da Thrill and Buggaloo Shrimp… Jump on it!

Drink #157: Flaming Larynx

June 6

  • 1.5 oz Whiskey (I used Wiser’s Spiced)
  • Top with Cranberry Juice
  • Splash of Clamato Juice
  • Garnish with Lime Wedges

This is a drink I wish upon all of the “singers” performing on American Idol, The Voice, America’s Got Talent, The X-Factor and any other talent search. And trust me, I use the term “talent” very loosely. If you’re wondering if there’s any “reality” programming the Sip Advisor actually likes, there are a few shows that I don’t mind. With so much reality TV, you have to pick up one or two shows or else you might as well throw your TV off your balcony, hoping to crush Kim Kardashian. I enjoyed Last Comic Standing when it use to air and really got into the tattoo-themed Ink Master. I also watch Bar Rescue from time to time because (shock!) I like the subject matter, and some of Gordon Ramsay’s programming has been viewed by myself and Mrs. Sip.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I found this recipe because I had a little leftover Clamato Juice. In certain recipes, I’m learning that the mixer can make an interesting addition. It’s certainly not only for Caesars. I wouldn’t say this drink is flaming in anyway, and by that I mean spicy, but it’s pretty decent.

January 29 – West Coast Paralyzer

The Best Coast

West Coast

West coast born, west coast bred… and when the time comes, west coast dead.

I love being from the west coast. We’re more laid back, have milder weather (in both summer and winter), and in my very unbiased opinion, are just generally more awesome. Here are some other things we do better than our eastern contemporaries:

The alcohol is better on our side of the continent, with awesome microbreweries (Granville Island, 21st Amendment) all along the coast and some undeniably fantastic wine regions (Napa Valley, Okanagan, Hood River).

The east may kick our ass when it comes to storms, but we definitely thump them in the natural disaster category with our epic earthquakes and just wait for the inevitable big one we’re always being warned about. The tsunami alone will blow your freakin’ mind (thank god that us Vancouverites will have Vancouver Island acting as a natural buffer during that one!).

west-coast-fault-lines

We also have grown-up Disneyland (aka Las Vegas) near enough to the West Coast (two-hour flight from Vancouver), which Trumps Atlantic City, beyond a shadow of a doubt. See what I did there… Donald Trump has largely developed Atlantic City… another thing west-coasters are better at: being clever… and not associating with Donald Trump.

Speaking of Disneyland, we have the better Disney theme park… Disneyland is much more manageable than Disneyworld and has less motorized scooters and 6-10 year olds in double-wide strollers (seriously, do NOT get me started on all the elementary school children in strollers I saw at Disneyworld, it’s like America officially said “Fuck it, we give up!”).

Disneyworld Scooters

We’re at the forefront of legalizing marijuana, with Washington State having already passed referendums to make it legal and places like B.C. having largely decriminalized the drug. It’s not my drug of choice (it’s pretty easy to guess what is), but I’m all for my little sippers having easier access to a little bit of Mary Jane.

People go west to become stars (porn or otherwise)… they go east to die.

Retired Squirrel

I have it on good authority, as my sources tell me, that we’re better at sex here on the left side of the map. I have statistical data on this fact… I’m just having trouble finding it at the moment.

We’re just made tougher on the west coast: Not that I’m condoning violence of any type, but it did take two attempts for 2Pac to be killed and only one for Notorious B.I.G. Just saying… (I hope I don’t resurrect the west vs. east rap wars with this post, as I do hold that much power).

And finally, my greatest pieces of evidence: Jersey Shore, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and Real Housewives of New Jersey, among other television shows that I would rather stick a fork in my eye than watch, all come from the east. ‘Nuff said! Case closed!

Drink #29: West Coast Paralyzer

West Coast Paralyzer Drink

  • 1 oz Tequila
  • 1 oz Kahlua
  • Top with Milk and Root Beer
  • Garnish with a Maraschino Cherry

This recipe differs from the normal Paralyzer in that vodka is removed and cola is replaced by root beer, completely changing the flavour of the drink… for the better, might I add. The cocktail tastes like a Root Beer Float, by and large and is very enjoyable, perhaps best served as an after dinner dessert.

Now that I’ve locked the east coast into my deadly finishing maneuver, all I have to wait for is the tap-out. There it is, ring the bell!

Sip Adviosr Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
While I could have tried the original version of this cocktail, the West Coast theme (ie. Removing Vodka and swapping Cola with Root Beer) appealed to me more. It’s virtually unnoticeable, but I sprinkled some vanilla powdering onto the drink to give it an added dimension.