June 15 – Carpet Licker

Posted on June 15, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Regionals

The world is littered with wonderful wine regions, where fans of the grape can pilgrimage to and get blasted winery-hopping style. While wine is far from my favourite libation, I do like to get travel wasted and visiting a winery provides some of the greatest surroundings for doing so. Here are some of the best stops to hit if you’re a connoisseur of reds and whites (and pinks, I suppose!):

Barossa Valley – Australia

This was a fun little wine tour Mrs. Sip and I did while visiting Adelaide, Australia. As good as the wine and scenery was, what I will always remember most from the tour was our picnic-style lunch, where the main course was barbecued kangaroo, marinated in red wine. I never thought kangaroo meat could be so delicious. I gorged myself on the delicacy, as well as the rest of the lunch, probably facilitated by the copious wine samples we had already enjoyed up to that point.

Okanagan Valley – British Columbia

Mrs. Sip just got back from visiting the Okanagan wine region on a stagette and if the 13 new bottles taking up space in my liquor racks is any indication, she had a good time and found some wines she really enjoyed. Heck, rumour has it Cousin Sip brought back 30 bottles of grape goodness after this 2 day trip!

Champagne/Beaujolais – France

Champagne was another wine excursion enjoyed by Mrs. Sip, minus your faithful Sip Advisor. How do I let her get away with this desertion!? While there, she sampled the wines and champagnes the region is renowned for. We were together for a brief stop in Beaujolais, where we climbed to the “Top of the World” and had a wine and picnic lunch before staying the night at a Beaujolais winery property.

Hood River – Oregon

On a weekend away with family, we hit a number of stops criss-crossing the Washington-Oregon border. We had a convoy of vehicles stopping at each business and it was fun to roll through a tasting with such a large, increasingly boisterous group. Our favourite stop was probably the Maryhill Winery, home to a summer concert series, and where guest can even hop into a tub and stomp some grapes.

Columbia Cascade – Washington

On yet another wine tour (damn, we go on a lot of these!), Mrs. Sip and I, along with Cousin Sip and her husband braved the oncoming winter to sample a number of wines in the Cascade area. The last stop of our tour was the Bavarian-themed town of Leavenworth, where the main drag houses many underground wine tasting options. Getting Mrs. Sip and Cousin Sip back on the bus was far from easy for us guys.

Napa Valley & Sonoma Valley – California

Over the years, I’ve enjoyed many California wines, but never had the chance to visit any of the winery regions the state is home to. While Mrs. Sip and I enjoyed a wonderful and quite memorable wine tasting in San Francisco (see Bay Breeze), we have never had the time to do a tour of the Napa or Sonoma Valleys. It is on our Bucket List to do together, we just need to be in the area for longing than a cruise port stop.

Santorini – Greece

The last stop as part of a tour exploring the island was visiting the Wine Museum of Santorini and Koutsoyannopoulos Winery. How do I remember such a crazy long Grecian name, you ask? Well, you see, Mrs. Sip has (or at least had) this little habit of “collecting” souvenirs from her travels. On this occasion, she wanted a glass from the little winery and to make a long story short, she got it!

Monticello – Virginia

While visiting Washington, D.C., our hosts took us out of the American capital to Virginia, specifically Monticello, where we had access to numerous wines and enjoyed a nice picnic lunch on the storied grounds of the winery surrounded by 19th century plantation ruins. Later, we ventured to the home of Thomas Jefferson, where unfortunately, no wine was served, which would have been a great tribute to the former president.

Drink #166: Carpet Licker

1 oz White Wine
0.5 oz Melon Liqueur (I used Watermelon Pucker)
0.5 oz Southern Comfort
0.5 oz Dr. Pepper
Top with Whipped Cream
Garnish with Sprinkles

I’m sure I’m missing some of the best wine regions, but I wanted to focus on areas we’ve actually visited or plan to visit in the very near future. Have any suggestions for a future getaway? Feel free to give us your best Lonely Planet review.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
I thought this shot tasted fantastic, especially with my substitution of Watermelon Pucker for Melon Liqueur… I just had a feeling. The presentation is spectacular which certainly justifies the high score. The shooter ingredients and measurements are enough for two servings, so share the love!

June 14 – Countdown Cocktail

Posted on June 14, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

3…2…1…

Life is full of countdowns of varying importance. Whether you’re waiting for your next vacation or the end of the world is rapidly approaching, we’re all watching time tick away to something. Here are some of the most infamous countdowns:

Y2K

Heading into the new millennium, concerns were raised over computer clocks rolling over to the new date, thus causing internal malfunctions. Some people feared that this would cause computer systems across the world to fail, with results being as catastrophic as nuclear missiles being launched and the planet destroying itself. In fact, in Onagawa, Japan, an alarm at a nuclear power plant sounded two minutes after midnight, but luckily it was a false alarm. Worst yet, 150 slot machines in Delaware stopped working, causing hardcore gamblers to declare martial law.

Year 10,000 Problem

If we even make it there, there are already fears that an issue similar to Y2K will haunt us again in the year 10,000. I’m not too concerned, as clearly they haven’t taken the time to come up with a clever name for the event like they did for Y2K, which shows they’re not all that worried about something that may occur 8,000 years from now. Besides, I don’t even know if my lineage will continue past myself, let alone eight millennia from now.

Popular Culture

Lists are used by everyone nowadays. Hell, it’s largely what I do here at The Sip Advisor, on a daily basis… but I’m one of the few who does it with class and dignity! While some lists are awesome (again, like the ones featured on this site), others are utterly useless. Don’t even get me started on music video countdowns. Those are so horrible it makes me want to throw a record player through my TV screen and eliminate all possible audible nightmares.

New Year’s Eve

Every year, people are given the chance to reboot, start fresh, and kiss some random stranger in the name of celebration! As the Times Square ball and other imitators drop on the beginning of a new year, we are all given a chance to reflect on where we’ve come from and where we’re going. For some this can be a good experience and for others it can disappoint. Remember though, New Year’s brought about The Sip Advisor, so we should all be thankful!

Olympics

It has become tradition that the next city to host the Olympics constructs a big clock in one of its popular centres and then ticks away the days, hours, minutes and seconds until its time to shine and host the world arrives. Legend has it, that if these clocks pause at any time prior to the Games, the Olympics will be cancelled by the International Olympic Committee… that’s only a Sip Legend though.

2012 Apocalypse

According to Mayan predictions, the world was supposed to end on Dec. 21, 2012. Well, it didn’t. All it provided was a chance for zealous nutcases to form cults and for comedy shows to spoof the so-called “end of days”. The best part about living on the west coast (although there are many reasons) is that in all these time-based doomsday theories, we’ll be the last to be hit and can enjoy what’s left of our time while others kick the bucket.

Shuttle Launch

Space, the final frontier… The last thing astronauts hear before being launched into the wild abyss of space is the shuttle countdown that precipitates every launch. The rush that must go through these folk’s system would surely measure off the charts, as they experience something very few ever will. I hope affordable space travel eventually exists in my lifetime. I’d go searching for Alf, so we can chase cats together!

Final Countdown

The classic hit from the band Europe should definitely be mentioned in this post. Seriously, I challenge you to go have a listen and try not to get into it. This is a special favourite of all Arrested Development fans, thanks to the character J.O.B., who uses it as part of the magician routine.

Drink #165: Countdown Cocktail

Muddle Mint Leaves
2 oz Disaronno (or other Amaretto)
Splash of Red Wine
2 Tsp Sugar
Garnish with Sugar-coated Mint Leaf

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I like recipes that involve Mint, but I wasn’t sure about how that element would work with Red Wine. Mrs. Sip, not being a fan of Amaretto and preferring wine cocktails to heavily feature the Wine itself, was not a fan of this drink, but I thought it wasn’t half bad. It’s true that the Disaronno makes its presence felt in this recipe, but I thought the Wine played a role, as well. The cocktail was more sweet than I would like, hence the point deductions.

June 13 – Cactus Berry

Posted on June 13, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Please Bring Me My Wine

A little quote from The Eagles hit “Hotel California” to get us diving head first into the wine week’s themed playlist. I never knew there were so many songs about chardonnays, merlots and pinot grigios. I should have known better!

Red, Red Wine – UB40

Goes to my head… by far, the best wine song in existence. The lyrics read like a true story, as we’ve all experienced the red wine buzz that makes the brain feel like it’s floating and only remains encased in our head by the strong structure of the skull. What a wonderful sensation indeed!

Spill the Wine – War

This song is pretty sweet and anytime the flute comes out, you know you’re in for a hell of an aural experience… I said aural, not the other one! The song has also been performed by The Isley Brothers, but I prefer the War version. It’s just a little more psychedelic, in my opinion.

Wine Take Me Away – Merle Haggard

Ol’ Merle takes us down a country road and into wine country. This dude sang a bunch of songs about the grapes, but this has to be one of his better tunes. Like many people, Merle considers wine a friend of his and I can’t really blame him.

Strawberry Wine – Deana Carter

In the interest of full disclosure, I have to admit that I muted this song shortly after it started and just watched the beautiful Miss Carter. Hey, I don’t get paid for this, so I have to enjoy the perks when they come my way! The song isn’t that bad, though, hitting number one on the country billboard charts in 1996. You have to love the title of her debut CD, “Did I Shave My Legs for This”!

Hey, Brother, Pour the Wine – Dean Martin

This Deano song is a pretty good tune. No surprise there, the Rat Pack members are total legends in the singing, entertaining and drinking communities. Marge Simpson also sings the song in one of the earliest episodes of the show after getting drunk at Homer’s company picnic.

Drink #164: Cactus Berry

Rim glass with Salt
1.25 oz Tequila (I used El Jimador)
1.25 oz Red Wine
1 oz Triple Sec
Top with Sweet & Sour Mix
Splash of Lemon-Lime Soda
Dash of Lime Juice
Garnish with Lime Wheel

The one thing I don’t like about wine songs is that so many of them are slow and sad. I’m more of an upbeat and fast pace music fan, not wanting to get too moody or anything like that. Enjoy this selection of wine melodies the next time you crack a bottle or box open!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
This is like a Wine-based margarita and it’s a fun cocktail. The Red Wine cooperates very well with the Tequila and Triple Sec (among other ingredients) to make a solid drink. Mrs. Sip has asked for it again since. As for me, put a salt rim on most things and I’m a pretty happy fella.

June 12 – Sour Sex

Posted on June 12, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

It’s All in the Name

Some would say that today’s drink does not have a very appealing name. However, while a wine connoisseur I am not, I’ve noticed that wines and wineries in general have some very, let’s say “unique” trademarks. There can be some really clever names for wineries, and then there can be some god awful brands. Here are some of the best and worst out there:

Best:

Mischief and Mayhem (France)

This winery name perfectly describes what you’re likely to get up to after a bottle or two of its grapes. Throw in a brand like Naked Grape and hopefully that’s in your future as well! While I’m not a regular wine drinker, I have had a number of adventures start with a bottle of red or white (or even the occasional rosé when I’m feeling particularly crazy!) so thank you for that wine world!

Tex Zin (Texas)

I actually found this moniker on someone’s list of bad winery names and I don’t know what they were thinking. I think it’s pretty catchy in it’s relation to the term Tex Zin. I think Zinfandels are the asiest wine to play off of for a winery name. There’s also 7 Deadly Zins, Cardinal Zin, and Original Zin.

Moral Compass (California)

Every good drinker knows that the ‘moral compass’ theory is utter nonsense. With each drink, the compass gets more and more damaged and by the end of the first bottle you’ve either lost it or its readings are coming in completely jumbled. My moral compass has been missing for years, even after I tacked pictures of it to milk cartons around the world.

Mad Housewife (California)

The wine’s label reads: “Somewhere near the cool shadows of the laundry room. Past the litter box and between the plastic yard toys. This is your time. Time to enjoy the moment to yourself. A moment without the madness. The dishes can wait. Dinner be damned.” That about sums up the family experience and why I’m not necessarily looking forward to it. I won’t be reaching for wine in a situation like the one presented above. I’ll be slamming whiskey instead.

Screw Kappa Napa (California)

This is one fraternity or sorority that I would actually golf clap for. It is true that wine can make you sleepy, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with getting afternoon drunk and having a brief cat nap before evening fun.

Stu Pedasso (California)

Say the name slowly and you’ll get the joke. There is some dispute over whether Stu actually exists and even if he does, whether this is his real name. If he does, I’d like to induct him into The Sip Advisor Hall of Fame. So, will the real stupid asshole please stand up? Ha, I didn’t say Sip Advisor says…

Worst:

Cat’s Pee on a Gooseberry Bush (New Zealand)

Is this supposed to describe the taste of the wine? The aroma? That’s just what we need in today’s world… a wine that smells like ammonia and tastes even worse. I’m pretty sure cats don’t even pee on gooseberry bushes anyway. Perhaps if it were called Cat’s Pee in a Litter Box, it would make more sense… and be even harder to swallow.

Booger Swamp (North Carolina)

This winery name gives me the mental image of a backwoods family flicking their nose gold into a swamp and then using a giant paddle to stir the mixture up before bottling the substance. So. Not. Right.

Clos de Pise (Italy)

Roughly translated, this winery name means “field of piss”. Again, is this an idea we want to relate to something we are about to ingest? Imagine this was part of the wine making process, to flood the field of grapes, much like cranberries are with water, only this time the H2O is substituted with…well you get my point. Would wine be nearly as possible if this were the case?

Frog’s Piss (France)

Continuing what now appears to be the very original theme of comparing wine to urine, we now have this lovely French Winery. Nothing beats a nice refreshing glass of… Frog’s Piss??? Do frogs even pee? There’s so much I still need to learn. It figures a culture that indulges in frog’s legs would find uses for other parts of the amphibian, including its bodily fluids!

Hair of the Dingo (Australia)

I’m sure this is meant to be similar to “hair of the dog”, both of which would be equally disgusting to drink. I will, however, take my morning after booze in the form of hard alcohol and not fermented grapes. Did we ever learn whether or not that dingo ate her baby?

White Trash White/Redneck Red (California)

I’m assuming that this wine is produced in a large oil drum – and an unwashed oil drum at that – by a group of rednecks who have grown tired of the risky moonshine business and have pledged to go legit with a winery. Sadly, their dreams will come to a crashing halt when Cousin Cletus realizes that they’ve been making moonshine all along and never came up with a new recipe.

Drink #163: Sour Sex

1.5 oz Whiskey
1 oz White Wine
Top with Lemon-Lime Soda
Splash of Lemon Juice
Garnish with Warheads Sour Twist

I’d be interested to know how many people will buy a wine solely based on its name. Then, I’d like to know how many of those people end up having a good experience and how many regret their purchase. These are the kinds of statistics we should be looking into, not wasting our time with childhood obesity and global warming!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (2.5 Sips out of 5):
I could only assume that sour sex would be disappointing, and this drink is much the same. There’s just something a little off with concoction. Whether it’s Whiskey not mixing well with White Wine, or Lemon Juice wreaking havoc on the recipe, something is just not right. It’s a passable cocktail, but I can’t give it any more credit than that.

June 11 – Lolita

Posted on June 11, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Banned Cinema

Movie history is littered with films that, for one reason or another, governments have banned its constituents from viewing or possessing. I’m a staunch supporter of anti-censorship. In my opinion, the discretion falls on the person themselves to decide what they do or don’t want to see, or, in the case of children, it is the responsibility of their parents to make these choices. That said, here are some notable movies that have been deemed forbidden:

Lolita

The name of today’s cocktail comes from the classic novel by Vladimir Nabokov (those crazy Russkies) that was later adapted into two movies. The story centers on an older man’s lust for a young girl, which brings about obvious concerns over subject matter. Lolita is one of the most controversial works of all time, but it’s also one of the most highly regarded, most likely due to the poetic language of its writing. I just hope the drink is decent!

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Leatherface is one badass dude, hacking his way through any unfortunate victim(s) who stumble upon his messed up backwoods family. One of the creepiest parts of this film is right at the start when the viewer is informed that what you’re about to see is based on a true story. Of course, it isn’t, but that thought sticks with you throughout. I don’t understand why this film was banned while other similar entries in the genre flew under the radar. Perhaps, it was just ahead of its time.

Monty Python Films

The movies, Life of Brian and Meaning of Life, from the comedy troupe were banned in a few countries, such as Ireland, because they were considered blasphemous. Of course, the clever team used the bans to their advantage, creating ads that said “So funny it was banned in Norway!”.

Barney’s Great Adventure

Personally I wonder why the entire world couldn’t ban the giant purple dino! Good on Malaysia for realizing that a figment of children’s imagination that tells kids to love and hug each other is sending bad messages to youth. The government found that the film was unacceptable for children and never provided any further details… and why should they?

Cannibal Holocaust

Where to begin with this film? Most countries banned it due to violence committed on animals, but there were also rumours that actors had legitimately died in the filming and the movie was therefore of the “snuff” variety. While the human deaths were disproven, the animal cruelty was in fact real, which is not cool. The Colombian natives were also treated poorly by director Ruggero Deodato. Credit does have to be given to the makers of this movie for being one of the first “found footage” stories, however.

Last Tango in Paris

Seriously!? A country like Italy banned a movie for strong sexual content??? Didn’t they invent the language of love and all that other junk? Sure there’s a scene that involves the use of butter as lubrication, but come on, who hasn’t reached for the dairy in a pinch?! Italy, I am so disappointed in you.

A Clockwork Orange

Let’s see, why would this movie ever be banned? Could it be the gratuitous violence perpetrated by Alex and company? Could it be the home invasion, crippling and rape of an innocent couple? Not bad enough for you yet? What about the murder of another woman with a giant penis statue? Yeah, that one did it for me, too. Regardless, this cult favourite is actually a intriguing watch. This is yet another adapted screenplay from a novel and perhaps we should just ban all books, so movies don’t have to suffer.

2012

Well, this has got to be one of the craziest bans of a movie I’ve ever seen. Apparently, in North Korea, it was made illegal to show the fictional Apocalypse tale because 2012 marks the 100th birthday of former leader, Kim Il Sung, and North Korean’s had dubbed the year “the year for opening the grand gates to becoming a rising superpower”. Thus, according to the country, a film that says the year 2012 will bring about the “end of days” was too negative a message. Citizens caught with a pirated copy of the film or even viewing the movie are arrested and charged with “grave provocation against the development of the state”.

Saw VI

Saw VI was banned for scenes of gory violence and torture… yeah, because it differs so drastically from movies I through V! I like the Saw series of movies, particularly the first two entries. While I can see why some would hesitate to watch this franchise (and the many that have followed in a similar fashion since), that is their decision to make and not the government’s.

Goldfinger

The James Bond film was banned in Israel after a short run when it was revealed that Gert Fröbe, who played villain Auric Goldfinger, was once a member of Germany’s Nazi Party. The ban was lifted a few months later when a man came forward saying that he and his mother had been hidden and saved from the Nazi Gestapo by Fröbe. This was the planned sequel to Schindler’s List.

Hostel Movies

These horror flicks were banned for depicting the people of Eastern European countries as buyers of human slaves… which is incredibly accurate, but something the Ukrainian government took great offense to. It’s like if Canada took offense to a movie about hockey goons, who love their poutine.

Drink #162: Lolita

Half Red Wine (I used Dirty Laundry Kay-Syrah)
Half Sweet & Sour Mix
Garnish with a Lemon Slice and a Cherry

Of all these banned movies, I’ve only seen a handful of them. I’m intrigued to check out the one’s I have yet to view, with Barney’s Great Adventure topping my list. Perhaps I’ll even review it for all my little sippers!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
The simple recipe largely recreates a Sangria taste and that is totally welcome in my little world! I particularly like how this drink is garnished, especially when you think of the Lolita story.

June 10 – Funky Garlic

Posted on June 10, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Let the Wine Flow

The internet is filled with wine memes; some good, some bad. This is a small collection of memes I think are worth checking out, giving folks a little chuckle with their daily dose of libation goodness:

Why can’t it be both!? Sure, wine can lead a woman down the path of awesome, but what really takes the fairer sex over the edge is the dude who gives her confidence and makes her comfortable in her own skin. Admittedly, it works both ways, but we would never credit beer with making us feel sexy and strong… drunk and disorderly fit that bill a little better!

Well, the ladies had their fun in the first photo and us fellas get our revenge here. I must say, if women love their wine so much, why would they be angry to be locked in the wine cellar? I guess the wine would eventually run out and it might be a little boring, but for the first week or so, you could have your own little one-woman party!

I’m pretty sure the exact same thing has happened to me before with Mrs. Sip! I let it slide because when she hears me say “I love you” before bed at night, I’m either talking to my cocktail nightcap or my serving of cookies and milk. Can you feel the love, little sippers!?

Damn, if I could turn one of my sinks into a wine dispenser, or better yet, a whiskey or rum version of the picture above, I’d be the happiest man in the world… and I’m basically there already, so let’s push me over the edge. I’m asking all my handyman friends out there to make my dream come true… I’ll even consider it an early birthday present!

This is a great idea and we might be onto something for the wino/vagrant community. Personally, I think tequila bottles would benefit most from this sort of marketing because you can get a little loco when pursuing the worm!

Drink #161: Funky Garlic

4 oz White Wine (I used 8th Generation Sauvignon Blanc)
Top with half Cola and half Lemon-Lime Soda
Garnish with Lemon and Lime Wedges

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I really don’t get the name of this drink. That said, it tastes decent, but the Wine is largely buried. The Cola is quite prominent in the recipe, perhaps a little overwhelming. Combining Wine with conventional mixers like Cola and Lemon-Lime Soda makes for an interesting concoction, but it falls a little short in the taste department.

June 9 – Sangria

Posted on June 9, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Wine Time

Well, Wine Cocktail Week is finally here. I’m far from a wine connoisseur, but I’m willing to try some new recipes and see what the results are, which I’m pretty sure is how wine was invented in the first place. If I mess anything up in today’s lesson, don’t go all wine snobby on me. I accept you for your many faults, and you should forgive me for the one or two mistakes I make on a yearly basis. Capiche! On with the lesson:

There are thousands of different types of wine, made up of hundreds of different grape combos. Some of the most popular wine varieties include: Sauvignon Blanc, Chardonnay, Pinot Gris/Grigio, Riesling, Gewürztraminer, Zinfandel, Pinot Noir, Syrah, Shiraz, Merlot, and Cabernet Sauvignon. My personal favourite wine is Francis Coppola’s Diamond Collection, Emerald Label Pinot Grigio. Damn, son, that’s a mouthful!

The Top 10 wine producing countries are: France, Italy, Spain, the United States, Argentina, China, Australia, South Africa, Germany, and Portugal. I have to say that I’m a little surprised Canada has yet to crack this list given we have a number of wonderful wine regions. Oh well, something to aim for in the future.

Despite tradition, the screw cap method of opening a bottle of vino is quickly replacing corked tops, thanks to the ease and simplicity of which a bottle can be opened. I can’t count how many times Mrs. Sip and I have been stuck on vacation without our trusty bottle opener, leaving us in a lurch when trying to crack open some wine. Perhaps Ma and Pa Sip have the right idea with boxed wine? Easy to open and a lot more alcohol to share!

Wine is one of the healthier libation options, as it contains fewer calories than beer and is fat- and cholesterol-free. A glass a day (or more) will keep the doctor away… or at least we all hope!

Contrary to popular belief, many wines should be enjoyed within a year of being bottled and not left to “age”. If you are looking for a good wine to age, ask an expert. In an interesting contrast, as white wines sit, they gain colour, while their red counterparts lose colour the longer they wait to be served.

A number of celebrities have invested their money into the wine industry, including aforementioned film producer Francis Coppola; musicians Bob Dylan, Madonna, and Sting; hockey superstar Wayne Gretzky; race car driver Jeff Gordon; screen stars Raymond Burr, Dan Aykroyd, Emilio Estevez, Drew Barrymore, and Antonio Banderas; theme park heir Diane Disney; and golfers Arnold Palmer, Ernie Els, and Mike Weir.

Perhaps Zach Galifianakis will be the next celeb to invest in a winery!?

Perhaps comedian Zach Galifianakis will be the next celeb to invest in a winery!?

Now to the mathematics portion of the post… here are important grape-to-wine measurement ratios to remember: one grape cluster (75 grapes) equals one glass of wine. Four clusters equal one bottle of wine. 40 clusters of grapes equals one vine, which makes up 10 bottles. 1,200 clusters (30 vines) equals one barrel, which equals 60 gallons, which equals 25 cases of wine. 400 vines equals one acre of land, which equals five tons of grapes, resulting in 332 cases of sweet lady liquor. And you didn’t even need a calculator! If you find that math too confusing, just remember $10 equals one bottle of decent California or Okanagan wine, and what numbers do we really otherwise need?

When describing the smell of a wine, you have to be careful with which words to use, otherwise you could look like a buffoon. Bouquet refers to the total scent of the wine, while aroma is meant for the grapes. If you wish to combine both the bouquet and aroma, you would call that the nose. This is starting to make my head spin and we haven’t even begun to drink yet. Let’s get on with it then.

Drink #160: Sangria

Sliced Strawberries, Orange, Lemon, Lime, and Raspberries
1.5 Litres Red Wine (I used Peller Estates Merlot)
½ Cup Triple Sec
Top each drink with Lemon-Lime or Club Soda
Garnish with Fruit from Pitcher and Wine Charm

Now you’re ready to open up your own winery. All you need is a cool name. I’d call my own winery Siparellio, giving it a hint of Italian heritage, while having absolutely none at all. Salute!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
I really enjoy my and Mrs. Sip’s homemade Sangria (no dirty thoughts, fellas)! I’m not even a big wine fan, but with all the fruit we put in and when we top it all off with some Lemon-Lime Soda, you can’t go wrong with this very refreshing, perfect for summer treat!

May 24 – Flirtini

Posted on May 24, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Man Made, Woman Approved

Richard Christy, heavy metal drummer and writer for The Howard Stern Show enjoys the Flirtini, but calls it the Viking Testicle to man-up the drink a little more. With that in mind, here are my suggestions for turning a girly drink into a manly one.

First, we should define what exactly a girly drink is and what constitutes a man’s beverage. A girly drink has been defined as anything that comes in colours red, pink, and purple and may contain bubbly and copious amounts of fruit. A man’s beverage, on the other hand, should be made up of hues like clear, black, brown and grey and garnishes be damned! I guess yellow counts too, but only if in beer form. The rest of the colour wheel is kind of a neutral no-man’s land. Those who swing both ways have access to all the colours of the rainbow.

Now onto how to disguise your favourite bevvy… because nothing says man-made more than a little fabrication:

Manly vs. Girly… which is which?

Lie About Ingredients

Just because your friends can see what colour your drink is, doesn’t mean they know what’s in it. Instead of champagne, say it’s ginger ale. If they question why you’re pouring yourself some cranberry juice, kindly correct them that it’s actually plasma and you’re a new breed of vampire. Yeah, that should work well.

Change the Name

Instead of a Cosmo, order a Blood Bucket. Sure, the bartender might not know what the hell you’re talking about, but you’ll maintain your manly appearance. Also, try to remember to grunt while ordering and if at all possible, neglect to wear any deodorant or cologne, while working up a good sweat en route to the bar.

Mix it with Beer

For some reason, beer is viewed as one of the manliest drinks out there. I don’t get how a usually 5% alcoholic beverage compares with all these cocktails that use 40% alcohols and above, but I don’t write the rules… yet. When I AM elected to the World Liquor Council, there will be sweeping changes to the Drinker’s Code and alcoholism will never, ever be the same again.

Slam the Drink

It doesn’t matter what it is, just make sure it’s in your stomach preferably before it’s set down on the table or bar. Then, proceed to let out a wicked burp and order another round. When that drink comes, repeat the earlier process and continue doing so until everyone at the table is convinced you’re an asshole and you no longer receive invites to their gatherings. That’s when you know you’ve really made an impression.

Shoot it Out

When ordering a girly drink, also ask the barkeep for six shot glasses. If you’re quick to pour your Bellini in the six shot glasses, no one will have any clue what the contents are. Then, down all six in a matter of seconds! Women will flock to you like some sort of pheromone and some dude will probably want to fight you, but these are the ups and downs that come with being a stud.

Don’t Garnish Anything

I can get away with garnishing because I’m so wicked awesome, but most dudes walking around with a cornucopia of fruit hanging from their cocktail just can’t pull it off. Lemon and lime wedges are the only acceptable man garnish and even those border on the edge of femininity. Just makes sure you drop whatever garnish is attached to your drink into the glass as soon as humanly possible.

Smash the Empty Glass Over Your Head

While this is certainly taking things to extremes, no one will doubt how man-tastic you really are if you give yourself some permanent scarring and draw a little red for the ladies. If you’re too much of a pretty boy, you do have the option of throwing your glass to the floor, but the inherent risk here is starting a glass shard fight or a Jewish wedding.

Drink #144: Flirtini/Viking Testicle

1.5 oz Raspberry Vodka
Top with Champagne
Splash of Pineapple Juice
Garnish with Raspberries

I guess what I’m trying to point out with this post is that it’s okay to like “girly” drinks. Just make sure you mix in the odd MAN-tini to even yourself out!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes: (2.5 Sips out of 5):
I didn’t really enjoy this cocktail. First of all, I’m not the biggest bubbly fan and I never will be. I also think that something about my proportions were off and the mix could have been better. A teaspoon of sugar might have balanced the drink out more and given it some more points.

April 17 – Kinky Bubbles

Posted on April 17, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Hot and Bothered

Today I’m going to talk about the more, how do you say, “sensual” side of the Sip Adivsor (akin to what Zumanity is to a regular Cirque du Soleil show). Despite what critics may say, I am a normal, red-blooded, male and as such, I am prone to being turned on by women wearing sexy outfits. Here are some of the get-ups that get this Sip Advisor up!

Business Woman

Now this may have something to do with Mrs. Sip’s chosen profession, but I love me a powerful woman. One who can take charge and exemplify that air of swagger. Perhaps the best thing business wear offers is the idea of corruption… turning a hardworking, dedicated-to-her-profession lady into your possession. Sounds pretty good, huh!?

Why waste time with the stock market when you have other, more delicate matters, to attend to!?

Super Heroine

There are some sexy female super heroes (and villains) out there. Whether it’s Batgirl or Catwoman, Rogue or Mystique, DC or Marvel, it really doesn’t matter. Put them into a costume and tell them their greatest superpower is they can take care of all of your needs. Then let the fun commence!

Schoolgirl

This seems to work for almost all fellas out there and on any given Halloween, you’re bound to see a ton of girls out there dressed up like they’re en route to attending class. It’s gotta have something to do with the short plaid skirts and tight white tops. This is why I refuse to send my kids to private school in the future!

Christmas

Christmas is one of my favourite times of the year. Giving and getting presents is awesome. Spending quality time with loved ones is special. Seeing ladies in sexy Christmas-themed lingerie might as well be the icing on the eggnog. And don’t you dare forget the jingle bells!

Which one do you unwrap first!?

Sex Kitten

It’s simple, but effective: tights, ears, tail, whiskers… not much to the whole look aside from that. Other animal costumes work too. During Easter, you can go bunny style (cotton tail on the tush!… something that we saw the bikini version of around the pool in Vegas recently!) and show rabbits how it’s really done. Well, I guess not all animals work. I don’t even know how you’d pull off a giraffe.

Naked

Of course, if all else fails, I’ve never been opposed to a little skin… or a lot!

Drink #107: Kinky Bubbles

1.5 oz Kinky Liqueur
Top with Champagne
Garnish with Orange Twist

Well ladies? How about you? What looks do you like your guy to pull off? Let me know… all’s fair after all!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
This was my first opportunity to use our recently purchased Kinky Liqueur and while I see potential in the libation, I still can’t give top marks to any Bubbly cocktail. We shall march on!

April 10 – Milestone

Posted on April 10, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

A Toast to Us!

This is a big one; we’ve hit the 100^th drink in Sip Advisor history. To celebrate this momentous occasion, I hereby introduce to you the first ever Sip Advisor awards!

Everyone is decked out in his and her best attire, the bubbly is flowing (literally!) and the paparazzo is snapping a ton of pictures… I think they just caught one of my infamous crotch shots. I smell another tabloid settlement! Let’s get on with the award ceremony:

Best Site Searches

It’s so funny seeing the various avenues people take to find this epic site. Some of the most bizarre crossovers seem to bring visitors here and I’m not sure whether I should be flattered or fearful. Nope, I know the answer to that… definitely fearful!

Nominees: babs bunny buster bunny bugs bunny toon sex; how do i get a blow job at new york new york las vegas; sexy frauline lederhosen photo; can get blood clots from getting a purple nurple; babysitteres gone bad; all dogs go to heaven porn

Winner: how do I get a blow job at new york new york las vegas – I knew the Vegas Blowjob shot would get us in trouble! I only hope this lad found his answer… I’m personally still searching!

Best Garnish

In my opinion, garnishing a drink is what completes any recipe. It is only a good drink until you give it some companionship in the form of a wedge, chunk, slice, rim or other non-denominational comrade. As you will see by the nominees below, this award is rim dominated (how kinky!).

Nominees: Crushed Froot Loops, Raspberry Jam, Crème Egg/Sprinkles

Winner: Crème Egg/Sprinkles (used on Crème Egg) – this rim is so fun to lick off the glass afterwards… probably better than the drink itself!

Behind-the-Scenes Biggest Mistake

I’m not perfect (although the ladies beg to differ) and some things don’t go according to plan while I’m at the office trying to come up with wicked cocktails for you, my little sippers. Sure, the end product looks fantastic, but along the way, there has been a couple misses, en route to cocktail glory.

Nominees: Pineapple Juice gone bad, Key Lime Pie recipe missing Galliano, Flatliner foul-ups (I had to make and drink three!)

Winner: Key Lime Pie – Galliano isn’t an ingredient in any of the traditional recipes, but I chose to add it for a special flavour… then I forgot to add it entirely when I first made the drink!

Most Difficult Drink

Not every drink we’ve made for Sip Nation has been easy-peasy. Some have, in fact, been quite difficult and taken a couple attempts to master. Others have been a pain in the butt because of how messy the results were.

Nominees: Groundhog’s Shadow, Pretty Vegas, Flatliner

Winner: Groundhog’s Shadow – it took numerous versions to get one that looked even remotely like a groundhog and we suffered numerous defeats (layers that did not layer, groundhogs that did not stay in the ground or were too hard to see) before we found one that looked somewhat like what we were going for and tasted decent.

Best Photo

This award might as well be presented to Mrs. Sip, who has taken a majority of the pictures that have been nominated. Cheap plug: all you little sippers should check out our Gallery page to see all the good work done by our art department.

Nominees: Cosmopolitan, Breakfast of Champions, Crème Egg

Winner: Cosmopolitan – I’m still not sure how this photo came together, but it’s pretty wicked and my personal favourite!

Top Shot

One of my favourite features of the 365-day drink challenge has been Super Saturday Shot Day. It’s been fun switching things up every weekend and putting together a usually delicious shooter to throw back.

Nominees: On the Cusp, Tootsie Roll, Windshield Wiper Fluid

Winner: On the Cusp – like I could pick anything else when this was the shot I, THE Sip Advisor, created for Mrs. Sip’s birthday! (and after all, I don’t want to end up sleeping on the couch!)

Best Drink

This is the big one of the night. Another category that was very hard to narrow down, but using a complex algorithm (just spelling that word seems like it needs its own complex algorithm), I’ve whittled down the choices. In actuality, I went on the basis that these were drinks I quickly made doubles of because I enjoyed them so much.

Nominees: Limestone Breeze, PAMA-Jama, Blue Razz Buzz

Winner: Pama-Jama – all good candidates, but this is a drink I now crave often! Disagree? Let me know!

Drink #100: Milestone (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

0.5 oz PAMA Pomegranate Liqueur
0.5 oz Cointreau
Dash of Lemon Juice
Top with Champagne
Garnish with Berries on a Spear

So, there you have it, the first Sip Advisor awards. I’d like to thank the viewers who have visited the site from 72 countries around the world. We will do this again at drink #200, so join us for all the fun and mayhem the next 100 drinks will surely hold!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
This original recipe was pretty good. I enjoyed using PAMA Pomegranate Liqueur again even with the addition of champagne (not one of my favourite alcohols), the overall product was worthy of a milestone post.

Sip Advisor

The Good, The Bad & The Bubbly

Category Archives: Wine Cocktails