January 31 – Disaronno Jazz

Posted on January 31, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Word Play

At dinner with friends recently, someone mentioned a story where a guy said he was ‘smitten’ with her. It got me thinking about how awesome the word smitten is and it saddens me that it has largely disappeared from the lexicon. Here are some other gems of the English language that should return to the vernacular world:

Balderdash!!! – It is my goal in life (what can I say: aim low, perform high) to shout this out at inappropriate times and cause a disturbance. I think ending a board game like Monopoly or checkers, by flipping the board into the air and shouting Balderdash!!! at my opponent(s) would be a great way to prove that my mental faculties are still sharp and that I’m fully competent to stand trial. Used in a sentence: Balderdash!!!! I should not have to pass go to collect $200.

Jazzed – In line with today’s drink, jazzed has disappeared from our vocabulary and been replaced by stoked (a word I’ve never been very comfortable with). Like jazzercise, jazz dance, and jazz-onomics (the term to describe the money, or generally more the lack thereof, associated with jazz musicians), there just seems to be no appreciation for the jasm (original derivation of jazz… which just sounds dirty… which is probably why I like it!) arts. Used in a sentence: I’m no longer stoked about this weekend’s sock hop, but once I get there I’m sure I’ll be jazzed.

Flummoxed – I go through most of my life with a look of perplexity splashed across my face. The things I see most people do makes me question the existence of life. In my five-minute walk (I’m a very lucky guy) to and from work, I note numerous acts of stupidity from walkers, drivers, homeless zombies, and even dogs. Used in a sentence: All these idiots have absolutely flummoxed me to the point of exhaustion.

My boy, Ron Swanson, shows us his best flummoxed face!

Strumpet, Harlot, Trollop, Guttersnipe – Basically anyway to describe a promiscuous lady (or even man, as I believe in equal opportunity), without having to resort to cruder words. Nowadays, people go for the easy fix and through around harsh terms that don’t need repeating. Let’s go back to a time of underhandedly saying someone is a slut or a whore. Woops, went ahead and wrote them bad words anyway. Used in a sentence: I always dreamed of finding a strumpet (could be replaced by harlot, trollop or guttersnipe) of my own.

Blotto – I use this term often, to describe someone’s level of inebriation, but I am one of the few – and by far the greatest – that does. I like that blotto contains the word lotto, because to me, when you get this drunk, you’re gambling with the contents of your stomach and sometimes more. Let’s start a new phrase: you can’t get blotto without playing the lotto. Used in a sentence: Man, I’m going to get so freakin’ blotto tonight it will be blotto-tacular.

Chortle – This is such a perfect word in describing that sarcastic scoff people can sometimes be guilty of doing. It was invented by Lewis Carroll (writer of the Alice in Wonderland stories) and it figures this mad genius would create a term like this. I often practice my chortle just for fun and in the case that it is ever needed on demand. In today’s world, this preparation comes in hand more often than even I would like. Used in a sentence: I chortle at you, good sir.

Loathe – When my wife and I are joking around, we’ll sometimes say “I loathe you, darling.” Well, she says it more often than I do… and with good reason. The first time she ever said it, with a little smile and a peck on the check, I barely noticed it. I’m slow like that, but I eventually caught on. Little did I know that our entire relationship had been built around her loathing me and me loving her. Loathe has such a strong vibe to it and I think it’s sorely missing from today’s jargon. We should all find someone to loathe and tell them so, making 2013 the year of loathing. Used in a sentence: I never thought I’d loathe someone like you.

Brouhaha – Sometimes used in sports references when a fight breaks out, but rarely used otherwise. I think all fights should be called brouhahas, from mixed martial arts to hockey to domestic disturbances portrayed on Cops and other reality shows. Can you imagine a cop showing up to a street fight and asking what all the brouhaha is about? Way to lose your street cred, Officer. Used in a sentence: Let’s go down to the bar, act like a couple dicks (er, I mean frat guys) and start a massive brouhaha.

Drink #31: Disaronno Jazz

1 oz Disaronno (amaretto)
0.5 oz Vodka
0.5 oz Blue Curacao
Top with Sweet & Sour Mix
Garnish with lime wedge

Are there any words you would like to see pulled from its sealed dictionary vault and brought back into the light of day? Now let’s have some fun using every word mentioned in today’s post in one sentence. I am loathe to be smitten with a trollop, who chortles at my advances and routinely gets blotto before a brouhaha, which flummoxes me into shouting words like balderdash and leaves me quantifiably less jazzed than I was to begin with. Your welcome!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
Amaretto is such a delicious liqueur and it really shines in this cocktail. It’s funny how green the drink turned out given that Sour Mix is more of a yellowish shade and none of the other ingredients would suggest the final product would look like that.

January 30 – Firestone

Posted on January 30, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Yuck… I’m Not Drinking That

There are those out there who think that Fireball Whiskey (a cinnamon-flavoured liquor) is gross. To those people I scream, “What, are you crazy?” Fireball is delicious and my go-to flask filler. For those that aren’t down with the Fireball or, more accurately, aren’t balling with the fire, I suggest you reserve your criticisms for these libations:

Alaska Distillery Smoked Salmon Vodka

Salmon belongs on a plate – wonderfully cooked by Mrs. Sip Advisor – with a couple sides, not in a bottle. The makers of this vodka suggest using it in Caesar recipes and perhaps they are onto something. Unfortunately, I think most people would find it hard to get their head wrapped around the concept of drinking a fish-flavoured drink, regardless of how good it could possibly taste. Suggested recipe: Bloody Mary

Oddka Wasabi Vodka

I don’t even like wasabi on my sushi, let alone in my vodka. This spirit seems like something you would have on a dare. Maybe I’ll gather the Sip Advisor executive board for a game of spin the bottle and we’ll see if Wasabi Vodka makes an appearance on the path to enlightenment. One thing is for sure, this liquor might make a good chaser with some sashimi… providing you’re a fan of the green stuff to begin with. Suggested recipe: Japanese Garden

Oddka Electricity Vodka

Looking for an easy buzz? How about some electricity-flavoured vodka? Seriosuly, though, how do you bottle the taste of electricity? Did you lick a battery and then try to match the subtle notes of death? Perhaps ol’ Ben Franklin discovered this recipe when he conducted his famous kite during a lightning storm experiment all those years ago. He is known to have invented like a bazillion things. Suggested recipe: Electricity Shot

Three Olives Purple Vodka

Is purple even a flavour? Growing up, purple (better known as grape) was one of my least favourite candy tastes. I found it to be too hit and miss to invest my piggy bank money in and pushed more of my assets towards stocks and bonds in watermelon and strawberry essences. Although, I will admit that the attractive woman enjoying a purple popsicle in the ad for this bottle makes me want to give it a chance. Fingers crossed it doesn’t taste like children’s cough syrup. Suggested recipe: Purple Rain

360 Buttered Popcorn Vodka

I don’t like popcorn (the real thing) because I hate getting kernels stuck in my teeth. While the flavour of this vodka intrigues me, I’m currently at a complete loss as to what this liquor could possibly be paired with to make any drinkable cocktail. In the end, I think I’d rather buy rip-off movie theatre popcorn, choke on a couple kernels and call it a day, than sample some popcorn vodka blends. Suggested recipe (by 360): Caramel Corn Collins (actually want to try this!)

Three Olives Tomato Vodka

With “Bakon” and Tomato vodkas already existing, we are so close to making BLT or Clubhouse cocktails. I hope scientists out there are trying to come up with lettuce and chicken spirits (a much better use of their time than curing cancer or fixing global warming or anything like that). Like the Smoked Salmon Vodka, this spirit is probably best suited for the Caesar/Bloody Mary family of drinks, but I’m not sure it has any prospects outside of this realm. Suggested recipe: Bloodhound Variation

Drink #30: Firestone

1.5 oz Fireball Whiskey
Top with half sour mix half orange juice
Garnish with trio of wheels (lemon, lime, orange)

If any company out there wants to send me a sample of their spirits and prove me wrong, I would welcome them with open arms and if my mind is changed, I would happily retract any criticism I have made and advise my little sippers to give these alcohols a chance.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
What I liked best about this cocktail was the faint burn that comes through on the aftertaste, thanks to the Fireball. Using the trio of fruit wheels ended up looking pretty good, so I’m happy I went down that route.

January 29 – West Coast Paralyzer

Posted on January 29, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

The Best Coast

West coast born, west coast bred… and when the time comes, west coast dead.

I love being from the west coast. We’re more laid back, have milder weather (in both summer and winter), and in my very unbiased opinion, are just generally more awesome. Here are some other things we do better than our eastern contemporaries:

The alcohol is better on our side of the continent, with awesome microbreweries (Granville Island, 21st Amendment) all along the coast and some undeniably fantastic wine regions (Napa Valley, Okanagan, Hood River).

The east may kick our ass when it comes to storms, but we definitely thump them in the natural disaster category with our epic earthquakes and just wait for the inevitable big one we’re always being warned about. The tsunami alone will blow your freakin’ mind (thank god that us Vancouverites will have Vancouver Island acting as a natural buffer during that one!).

We also have grown-up Disneyland (aka Las Vegas) near enough to the West Coast (two-hour flight from Vancouver), which Trumps Atlantic City, beyond a shadow of a doubt. See what I did there… Donald Trump has largely developed Atlantic City… another thing west-coasters are better at: being clever… and not associating with Donald Trump.

Speaking of Disneyland, we have the better Disney theme park… Disneyland is much more manageable than Disneyworld and has less motorized scooters and 6-10 year olds in double-wide strollers (seriously, do NOT get me started on all the elementary school children in strollers I saw at Disneyworld, it’s like America officially said “Fuck it, we give up!”).

We’re at the forefront of legalizing marijuana, with Washington State having already passed referendums to make it legal and places like B.C. having largely decriminalized the drug. It’s not my drug of choice (it’s pretty easy to guess what is), but I’m all for my little sippers having easier access to a little bit of Mary Jane.

People go west to become stars (porn or otherwise)… they go east to die.

I have it on good authority, as my sources tell me, that we’re better at sex here on the left side of the map. I have statistical data on this fact… I’m just having trouble finding it at the moment.

We’re just made tougher on the west coast: Not that I’m condoning violence of any type, but it did take two attempts for 2Pac to be killed and only one for Notorious B.I.G. Just saying… (I hope I don’t resurrect the west vs. east rap wars with this post, as I do hold that much power).

And finally, my greatest pieces of evidence: Jersey Shore, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and Real Housewives of New Jersey, among other television shows that I would rather stick a fork in my eye than watch, all come from the east. ‘Nuff said! Case closed!

Drink #29: West Coast Paralyzer

1 oz Tequila
1 oz Kahlua
Top with Milk and Root Beer
Garnish with a Maraschino Cherry

This recipe differs from the normal Paralyzer in that vodka is removed and cola is replaced by root beer, completely changing the flavour of the drink… for the better, might I add. The cocktail tastes like a Root Beer Float, by and large and is very enjoyable, perhaps best served as an after dinner dessert.

Now that I’ve locked the east coast into my deadly finishing maneuver, all I have to wait for is the tap-out. There it is, ring the bell!

Sip Adviosr Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
While I could have tried the original version of this cocktail, the West Coast theme (ie. Removing Vodka and swapping Cola with Root Beer) appealed to me more. It’s virtually unnoticeable, but I sprinkled some vanilla powdering onto the drink to give it an added dimension.

January 28 – Harvey Wallbanger

Posted on January 28, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

The Un-Authorized Biography of Harvard Wallbanger

When I was doing some research on this drink (fully expecting a number of pornographic sites to come up), I took note that the story of how the drink was created was a little open-ended. Some say it was invented purely by accident, at a party where the cocktail’s ingredients were all that was available. Other’s attribute it to various bartenders throughout the United States. Well, I’ve stumbled upon the E! True Mixology Story (National Treasure investigative style) and today, I will share that tale with you (note: the following is 100% completely and utterly possibly true or false).

Harvey Wallbanger grew up in the Midwest United States during the 1930’s. He came from a family of modest means, suffering through the depression. Despite one unfortunate incident involving a wagon, a pig, and the neighbour’s daughter, Harvey had a happy childhood and had what many would describe as an upbeat, glass-half-full personality. And by glass-half-full, I don’t mean that he was a booze hound or anything, he was just a decent dude is all.

When our young hero left home at the age of 18, he had a hard time finding full-time employment. He worked one odd job after another, until work seemingly dried up. Down on his luck, Harvey was living in a homeless shelter. All he had to his name was a cheap bottle of vodka he stole from a fellow vagrant (oh I’m sorry, were you not picturing our young Harvey as a thief? Because in truth he was a bit of a kleptomaniac) and a juice box of orange juice he was handed at his soup kitchen (yes, smart ass there were juice boxes in the 1950’s… it’s a little known fact that all good soup kitchens had time machines back in those days, before Communist spies stole but inadvertently destroyed the technology, some time during the 60’s). Harvey went into a back alley behind the shelter and poured a Styrofoam cup half full of the vodka, topping the drink with the juice. This was, he decided, to be his last drink before he would end it all.

Then, almost as if from the heavens, fell a small bottle of Galliano (a sweet, vanilla-flavoured liqueur). Where it came from will forever be a mystery, but the yellow liquid inside seamed to shine for him in the darkness of the poorly lit backstreet. “Why not?” Harvey thought, as he added a splash of the Galliano to his mix. He took a sip and was astonished at how good the cocktail tasted. Harvey picked himself up, dusted himself off, gulped down the rest of his new creation and declared to himself that his life truly began that day.

Harvey went on to sell his new drink recipe to as many local establishments as he could. Once he had exhausted that market, he went national. This explains why all these different bartenders are credited with inventing the cocktail.

With his life now back in order, Harvey finally found love and went on to enjoy a prosperous and soul-destroying urban existence, filled with a beautiful wife, kids, and a white-picket fence (rather like that depressing movie, Revolutionary Road) .

And it is with great pleasure that I reveal that I am one of Harvard Wallbanger’s great-great grandchildren, twice removed. So whoever is responsible for the massive Wallbanger fortune, you know where to find me to send my share!

Drink #28: Harvey Wallbanger

1.5 oz Vodka
Top with Orange Juice
Float 1 oz Galliano on top of the drink
Garnish with orange slice and Maraschino cherry

If you would like to send me money (someone has to, right?) for the rights to this inspiring tale or be my rich benefactor, helping me produce a blockbuster of epic proportions, just let me know. I can totally see it winning an Oscar one day for best adapted screenplay!

Sip Adviosr Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
For a legendary drink, I was kind of disappointed. I’ve found myself not really enjoying Orange Juice-based cocktails recently. Each sip just feels a little heavier than I would like. Perhaps I should look into a different OJ for future blends. The floated Galliano was very nice, however.

January 27 – AC Maple Leaf

Posted on January 27, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Mixology on the Fly

Recently, my wife scored some tickets to the Air Canada Maple Leaf Lounge at YVR. On our recent holiday, we decided to stop there before our flight, and what a time we had. First, I was able to grab a free copy of The Hockey News magazine – it’s always good to have some reading material for the flight and whatever travel bugs you might have to suffer through (we were en route to Mexico, after all) and then we headed to the food station for some eats. That’s when I noticed it: there, illuminated by god’s light, as angels sang in my head, was the free-pour bar, stocked with nearly everything a mixologist needs.

My jaw dropped, eyes bulged… I might have even got a little aroused. I frisbeed my plate away, smashing it against a wall, and skipped (literally!) over to the bar. I couldn’t think straight. What did I want to make? WHAT DID I WANT TO MAKE?… and how many drinks could I throw back in the next hour?

I went to work, putting together a mix of Crown Royal Whiskey and Grand Marnier. Top with some Sprite, toss a wedge of lime on there and you have yourself a delicious cocktail invented in mere moments. I also did my best to make a Long Island Iced Tea, but had to sub Grand Marnier in for Triple Sec, which didn’t turn out too badly, as both spirits have an orange taste.

After double-fisting those cocktails, it was onto some heavy lifting. I quickly fired up a scotch on the rocks, courtesy of close friend Johnnie Walker and finished with a healthy dose of Courvoisier Cognac, to bring out the ladies’ man in me.

The key to mixing on the fly, is having an idea of what tastes good together, or at least, what different liquors taste like. I knew I could trust Grand Marnier as a flavor enhancer and that worked out quite well. If anyone else wants to give me tickets to a private airport lounge (or an open bar – anytime, anywhere), you know where to find me!

Drink #27: AC Maple Leaf (An on-the-fly Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

1 oz Crown Royal Whiskey
1 oz Grand Marnier
Top with lemon-lime soda
Garnish with a lemon wedge

Sip Adviosr Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
This was a fun little recipe to cook up on the fly. Using what I had at my disposal, I think I put together a pretty decent drink. The Crown Royal and Grand Marnier work well together and some Lemon-Lime soda just completes the concoction.

January 26 – Flatliner

Posted on January 26, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Tequila Playlist

It’s Saturday night and it’s time to get your drink on! But what will you listen to? You could listen to the sweet stylings of Jim Hughson on Hockey Night in Canada, as most Canadians do while getting plastered each Saturday night. Or, because I do love me some Zeppelin, you could listen to When The Levee Breaks while drinking quadruple vodkas (hmmm…on the other hand, maybe that’s just insensitive). Fear not, my little sippers. I’ve put together an all-tequila playlist for your exploits tonight, as we wrap up Tequila Week, here at The Sip Advisor.

First Shot: Tequila by The Champs

The party is just getting started, so drink up and be merry. Maybe even dance a little. Don’t enjoy that sax solo too much… it’s going to be a long night (or short, if you’re a lightweight!).

Second Shot: Tequila by A.L.T. and the Lost Civilization

Keeping things upbeat with this jam that samples the original. You gotta check out this tune as they try to include as many drink references as possible. Actually quite clever. It’s fun to listen to the song and keep track of how many drinks they mention that you’ve tried.

Fourth Shot: Tequila Makes Her Clothes Fall Off by Joe Nichols

Oh yeeeeaaaaah! Things are swinging and apparently the Kool-Aid Man and the spirit of ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage dropped by at the same time. It looks like things are about to get turned up a notch or two (even though we’re already at 11 on the dial) and the ladies are starting to get funky… if only I wasn’t drinking alone! According to this song, apparently the best place to find loose women is at the Holiday Inn (just a note to all the fellas wasting their time with the whole online dating game).

Eighth Shot: Margaritaville by Jimmy Buffett

You’re pretty smashed, but still feeling celebratory. It’s time to kick back and maybe even throw on a Hawaiian shirt. Groove to the tunes and enjoy your buzz, but be cautious… the liquor is planning a revolution.

Tenth Shot: On the Tequila by Alanis Morissette

How did an Alanis Morissette track slip by my mental censors… oh, that’s right, I drowned all those suckers a few drinks ago. It surely can’t get any better from this point on.

[I’ve lost count] Shot: Tequila Sunrise by The Eagles

Nice song to end the night, but things aren’t going so well internally. It might be time to put the bottle away? But it’s smiling at me and waving me over. Oh hell, what’s one more kiss?

Drink #26: Flatliner

0.75 oz Sambuca
0.75 oz Tequila (I used Olmeca Blanco)
Dash of Tabasco Sauce
Garnish with a jalapeno pepper slice

Because of the weights of the various alcohols, as well as the Tabasco Sauce, the two clear liquors should sit on top of each other, broken up by the red Tabasco flatline. It is important, of course, to use clear (blanco/silver) tequila for this to work. Special thanks to Mama and Papa Sip Advisor for lending me the tequila for today’s drink, as all I had available was gold, reposado and añejo varieties.

I should also advise that these bad boys burn on the way down. I made three, so we could photograph the Tabasco line at various levels and then had to down all of them when Mrs. Sip backed out of doing the one shot she had agreed to do. I refuse to let a single drop of liquor go to waste. Shame, Mrs. Sip… shame!

Sip Adviosr Bar Notes (2.5 Sips out of 5):
The Flatliner is an exhibition in punishment. And I had to drink three of these in a row. It may taste disgusting, but it gets a passing grade because that’s exactly how it’s supposed to taste. Nobody is trying to fool you with this shot. It’s supposed to burn going down and it does. Just hope that it stays down.

January 25 – Sarsaparilla Assassin

Posted on January 25, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

The Man with No Name

When I was a young warthog…

When he was a young warthooooooggggg!

As a younger lad, I loved sarsaparillas. I discovered it when my family was on a road trip through the southwestern United States, when I was only seven. In the same vein as ordering a root beer, a kid kind of felt like they were drinking with the big boys… all grown up. Especially on this road trip, it was fun to saddle up to a ghost town bar and ask the tender for a sarsaparilla. Take a big swig of it to show everyone in the joint that you’re a badass and then take your seat at a table for a round of poker.

In reality, my parents probably ordered me the sarsaparilla, in a family establishment, and I likely had chicken fingers for dinner, while colouring one of those kid’s menus. Clint Eastwood I was not, but the imagination can run wild when you’re a little one.

Now, I am that legendary cowboy… well, more of a cow-tender: A slinger of libations sure to knock out my opponents better than any gunshot could. I’m three parts Rango, two parts John Wayne, with a dash of Woody from Toy Story. Damn, that would be one weird looking hombre.

Speaking of root beer, though, I do have a funny story of a family member from Germany – the land of beer and chocolate – coming to visit Canada and when my dad and uncle took him to a local restaurant, he ordered a Root BEER, completely expecting to be on the receiving end of a brew. That must have been one dark looking beer. Still, the relative slammed back the pop and nearly choked on it. I’m pretty sure that’s the last time he ever came to holiday here!

Drink #25: Sarsaparilla Assassin

1 oz Tequila (I used 1800 Reposado)
1 oz Whiskey
1 oz Peppermint Schnapps
Top with Root Beer
Garnish with lemon wheel

I was very curious to see how this mix would come together. I have to admit that it did quite nicely. The peppermint schnapps and root beer tag-team together for a different, but enjoyable taste. I can’t wait for my next trip to the saloon!

Sip Adviosr Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
Root Beer offers such a great flavour and I like how it worked with the Peppermint Schnapps and both kind of have a similar aftertaste bite. It’s a strong drink (nothing wrong with that!), so it may have to be enjoyed in moderation.

January 24 – Paloma

Posted on January 24, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Lost in Translation

Today’s cocktail is the Paloma, which is Spanish, means “dove”. Now, that might not be bookmarked in most people’s Spanish-to-English dictionary, but after visiting Mexico three times in the last year, I feel I now have the highly trained professional expertise to share some terms you’ll want to have saved in your hard drive (your frontal lobe, ese). I assure you that they are all translated 100% correct:

Baño – Emergency Relief Unit

This is the most important word in the Spanish language. Given Mexico’s reputation for rumbly tummies and the ever-present threat of [in scary voice] Montezuma’s Revenge (which by the way, used to be an awesome ride at Knott’s Berry Farm… in retrospect, why would you name a rollercoaster after getting the runs, though!?), this is a term all travelers should keep close to their hearts, or at the very least stomachs when in need of some emergency relief. And I find that with the amount I usually drink on vacation, it’s always beneficial to know where you can get ready for the next round.

El Bar – Hydration Station

Much like the baño, I find it imperative to know where the nearest place to quench my thirst is. While this term shouldn’t trip up too many travelers, I thought it was worth sharing with Sip Nation.

Cerveza – Drinkable Mexican Drinking Water

Be Smart. Keep Hydrated. Drink lots of Cerveza. You can often find it at El Bar.

Cuánto cuesta? – How much does it cost?

This is the term you want to use once you have become a victim of a common and unavoidable threat in Mexico – the Mexican vendor. After you have fallen prey to the words “almost free” or “free tequila” and have realized your mistake (and let’s hope it’s not fatal), try pointing to something bright (which is most likely everything in the store) and throwing the term, “Cuánto cuesta” at the vendor to show how “in the know” you actually are in a desperate attempt to regain some of your lost pride.

Of course, if you are anything like me, as soon as the vendor answers in Spanish and you look at them blankly, then you come crashing down hard with your gringo status firmly re-established. Then there’s the whole bartering process, which I find about as much as having my chest waxed. Oh hell, just buy the flipping blanket and get out of there!

When I recently tried to pick up a Lucha Libre wrestling mask, the seller wouldn’t move off his price unless I bought two masks. But who needs two La Parka wrestling masks? Maybe Two-Bad from He-Man, I suppose.

Amigo – Person I want a favour (read: money) from

Pretty much every Mexican male I’ve ever encountered has called me their amigo. I must be special, but upon further thought I wonder if this actually true? Will my new found amigo send me birthday gifts, preferably in $100 denominations? Probably not. Maybe that’s what they’re expecting of me. Oh man, don’t tell my wife. Things are about to get loco with the Sip Advisor budget.

Pollo, carne asada, carnitas – food with wings, food with hooves, smaller food with hooves

Essential to any person’s understanding of Spanish is how to order food – or if you’re enjoying the buffet at an all-inclusive resort, what the hell you’re putting on your plate. Of course, if things are tasting bueno (good), you might want mucho (more)!

Pendejo – um, I’ll tell you when you’re a little older

Or you can click here.

Now that your linguistic lesson is complete, let’s get back to Tequila Week with this great drink!

Drink #24: Paloma

1.5 oz Tequila (I used El Jimador Reposado)
Grapefruit Soda or combo of grapefruit juice and lemon-lime soda
Rim glass with salt
Garnish with lime wheel

In closing, I should let you all know that el mono means monkey. This may not be important to most, but it’s a complete necessary for me and bookmarked in my Spanish-English dictionary. I don’t want to see any doves, I just want to drink them (see above), but if there’s a monkey to be seen, damnit, I want to see it!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I wish I had tried this drink with a Grapefruit Soda, such as Fresca, but I didn’t have that on hand and went with a combo of Graprefruit Juice and Lemon-Lime Soda. It tasted pretty good, but I’d love to try the legit recipe. The salted rim is a touch I enjoy on most drinks.

January 23 – Brave Bull

Posted on January 23, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Coffee Confessions

I know I’m going to catch a fair bit of flak for this, but I absolutely hate coffee. To me, it’s a vile substance. Here’s a quick list of items I would rather drink:

Laundry detergent
The blue dye they use in tampon commercials… after it’s been used in a tampon commercial
Major city puddle water
A turkey milkshake

You get the point, I have an anti-coffee agenda…

I like to note the different types of coffee drinkers and have taken time to observe them at the office in which I work. The first is the repeat offender. These are the coffee drinkers who I am unsure if they really love drinking the tasteless muck so much or if they have just made some higher sacrifice in order to enjoy the additional breaks that seem to come along with “quick” coffee runs… about 10 times per day. It’s like how people used to smoke just to get more break time. Repeat offenders are the coffee drinkers, who somehow can’t manage the 15 or so steps that it would take them to come to the front desk and pick up their faxes, but have no problem breezing by that same front desk multiple times a day in order to get their precious java. They will be the first to suggest going on a “Starbucks run” for fellow co-workers. You know who I’m talking about!

Then there is the junkie coffee drinker. The ones that might as well be intravenously connected to a coffee drip 24/7. These are the folks that CAN’T LIVE without a coffee by their side every moment of the day. The true addict. The other day, I overheard one co-worker remark that Starbucks should make deliveries. While she might make a valid point and it may be a concept the company has or will experiment with, you have to realize that the nearest Starbucks to my office is on the opposite corner of the block we’re located on. You’re telling me that you can’t walk less than a block for your hourly fix, just to get you through the day!? I realize this could potentially cause a brief delay between re-fills. Re-friggin’-diculous!

One of those ‘junkie’ coffee drinkers!

Finally, there is the only-on-a-date coffee drinker. The guy who hates the substance about as much as I do, but gets convinced that he has to take a new date out to coffee and ‘get to know her’ before she’ll finally get into bed with him. Where this poor sap really gets screwed over (and I don’t mean in the bed) is that he’ll likely have to buy BOTH drinks… and still not get laid!

Personally, I don’t even like being in Starbucks. I just feel uncomfortable, as if I don’t belong… and everyone there knows it. And I probably don’t. The most complicated thing I’ve ever ordered in the store is a hot chocolate. I can’t imagine having to memorize some bizarre order like a tall, non-fat, chai tea latte, easy on the chai (okay I’ve memorized that one because it’s Mrs. Sip Advisor’s order) or other bizarre orders: “I’ll have one permanent dump truck, tears from a newborn baby, easy on the gravel, with a sprinkle of cinnamon (okay, I might have made that one up… I’m pretty sure it would just translate into “one regular coffee, please”)!

I have only had one coffee drink in my life. It was on our honeymoon cruise and our waiter – who didn’t speak the best English – was so excited in describing the 2-for-1 Irish Coffee deal that before we could even decline, he had run off to put in an order. Our drinks arrived and while the presentation was cool, with a flaming sugar cube added to the mix, it still tasted like death in a cup to me. Not even alcohol could save this colossal failure. We still gulped down our bevvies, as we had paid for them, and for the rest of the night I couldn’t get the taste of yuck out of my mouth, no matter how hard I tried to drown it with other spirits.

So, I bet you’re asking what I do drink to get me through the day: water. Nothing but pure, delicious water. And then when I get home, it’s more water (that and booze and mixers for this project… and booze also not for this project). It’s just how I roll.

All that said, you may be shocked to know that I do give liqueurs like Kahlua a pass… and speak of the devil.

Drink #23: Brave Bull

1.5 oz Tequila (I used 1800 Añejo)
1 oz Kahlua
Garnish with a Lemon Twist

This is the fun of Tequila Week, as I get to try drinks I normally wouldn’t. Diamonds in the rough that perhaps most people haven’t heard about. I actually quite enjoyed this one, despite it’s coffee liqueur. I also want to point out that this was my first attempt at making a lemon twist (or any twist other than the Beatles “Twist and Shout”) and I think I did a pretty good job (not that you can see it from the photo, you’ll just have to take my word for it). If you make this drink for yourself, let me know what you thought. Non-coffee drinkers only!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
This was actually a pretty decent cocktail, despite my anti-coffee stance. It provided my first attempt at a “twist” garnish and while it looks okay, it’s a skill I will have to improve at. While I wouldn’t drink these on a regular basis, from time to time, they might hit the spot.

January 22 – Envy

Posted on January 22, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

The Green-Eyed Monster

Jealousy… I’m not too familiar with the feeling myself, but I assume it’s that feeling that other guys get when they see me free lifting my 200 pound weights in the gym, living my rock n’ roll gangsta lifestyle, or busting my sweet gangnam-style moves on the dance floor. 99% of the above may almost certainly be a lie, but since it’s Tequila Week here at The Sip Advisor headquarters, I know all you loyal readers are a bit jealous. To even it up, here’s a small selection of those who earn my envy:

Cookie Monster (speaking of monsters)

Imagine being able to eat whatever you want – cookies, plates, even the moon – and not gain a single pound. Seriously, Cookie Monster has been around since 1969 and despite eating whatever he wants, whenever he wants, he still looks the same, even though what he’s stuffed back would have other beings suffering the onset of diabetes or an incredibly gruesome and painful death or something. He may not lose any weight, but maintaining the body status quo would be classified a win for me. I love me some cookies (and chippies for that matter), so being able to eat so indiscernibly (and look cool in so much blue) definitely tops my list of enviable qualities.

Wolverine

Two words: adamantium skeleton. Sure the guy can’t remember who the hell he is or what his past life was, but he’s indestructible. Hell, I often can’t remember who I am or parts of my past life, thanks in large part to the subject matter of this blog. My mind is spinning with the stupid stuff I could get up to if I was immortal. Bungee jumping sans bungee cord, demolition derbies onboard a motorcycle, mixed martial arts fights with dinosaurs… the possibilities are endless, when your mind is as deteriorated as mine.

Garfield

The fat orange cat is allowed to be as surly as he wants and we love him for it. His enviable attitude is something that doesn’t work so well with my wife, however. While I’m not really down with the whole lasagna obsession thing, I can totally get behind the blankie, teddy bear (Pooky), fuzzy slippers and pajamas. And just like Garfield, I would only be nice twice a year, on my own Halloween and Christmas specials. I mean, how could you not be nice at Halloween and Christmas with all the candy, candy, candy and presents, presents, presents!?

Wile E. Coyote

One has to admire Mr. Coyote’s passion and drive in his dogged pursuit of the Roadrunner. If I possessed the same ambition, I’d be able to get this 365-day challenge done in a month (never mind the fact that I may implode like said Coyote in the attempt to do so). I would also love to have the resources Wile E. has at his disposal. His ACME account must be unlimited and if they had an alcohol department, I would be all over that. The one drawback is his constant injuries. One can only fall off a cliff so many times before it would probably get tiresome. My hat is off to you buddy, keep chasing that rainbow and get yourself some sweet, sweet Roadrunner meat!

Inspector Gadget

He may be a bumbling idiot (sounds a little too similar to MY personality profile!), but he’s a respected and accomplished detective. Plus, he gets to travel the world, chasing criminals and use an array of high-tech – well, mostly low-tech umbrellas and such – gadgets (wait!? Is that why he’s called Inspector Gadget? Another of life’s mysteries solved). Perhaps I’d be the one to finally catch Dr. Claw. After all, in my younger days, I was very successful in my hunt for Carmen Sandiego and her band of henchmen. Go-go-gadget 12 inches, am I right, ladies?

Richie Rich

Simply put, the kid had a fully-staffed McDonald’s right inside his own house. We don’t even need to get into the whole gazillionaire, set-for-life kid, B.S. Nope, just McDonald’s… in your house… they would probably even do room service. I would hold these off-the-chain shindigs with the guys from Epic Meal Time and we’d get completely destroyed on Chicken McNuggets and milkshakes. It would be, well, epic.

So, doing a final tally, if I put all my traits together, like a wonderfully-blended cocktail, I would be invincible; surly, but lovable; driven, with uncapped resources; with my own personal McDonald’s restaurant where I could eat at every day and never gain weight… and let’s not forget about the 12-incher!

Drink #22: Envy

1.5 oz Tequila (I used Sauza Gold)
1 oz Blue Curacao
Top with Pineapple Juice
Garnish with Pineapple Wedge and Maraschino Cherry

Who (aside from super me) are you jealous of? Drop me a line and let me know. Perhaps your list will be better… I doubt it though, because I’m pretty awesome! Maybe there will be a list on narcissism in the future!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
I like how this drink came together visually with the Blue Curacao half resting at the bottom of the martini glass and the rest combining with the Pineapple Juice to make a greenish hue, perfect for the Envy moniker. The taste wasn’t half bad either.

Sip Advisor

The Good, The Bad & The Bubbly

Monthly Archives: January 2013