September 25 – Mojo

Posted on September 25, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Aphrodisiastic

I’m the kind of guy that’s ready to go at all hours of the day. I don’t need any food, drink, or other item to ‘put me in the mood’. I’ve come to understand that not everyone is as awesome as the Sip Advisor and therefore, I’m here to help all you little sippers out there that need an extra boost to get your mojo fired up. Here is an examination of some of the many items purported to help with libido!:

Chocolate – Named an aphrodisiac by women just so they can stuff their faces with the stuff and have an excuse to do so. In the end, they just complain they’re too full and not in any mood for making whoopee.

Oysters – Well, I suppose the whole ‘slimy substance travelling down your throat’ could be practice for fun times later?

Spicy Peppers – These are sure to simulate some part of the body!

Snake Blood – Why not drink the snake’s venom, as well!? I think the only reason snake’s blood is an aphrodisiac is because once you kill one, your heart is pumping so fast you’d be ready to bed a rhino.

Dried Tiger Penis – Oh sure, this will be an easy find. Tiger’s are cuddly and approachable right!? Just like stuffed animals!

No, not that Tiger!

Bull Genitals – Why do all these cultures think that consumption of animal junk will make them more virile?

Spanish Fly – The European Blister Beetle can apparently provide a long-lasting erection that will later require medical attention. Is it worth it?

Fetal Duck Egg – Thanks for this haunting image, Asia. Apparently the fetal duck is most potent after 17 days, begging the question: who tests this stuff?

Stewed Crocodile – Sure crocs are cold-blooded killers, but I really don’t see that translating into sexual prowess, unless you plan on holding your lover underwater until they’re unconscious first.

Looks like kitty got the message!

Leaf-Cutter Ants – At least they’re supposed to taste like bacon when roasted.

Deep-Fried Tarantula – I’m pretty sure Mrs. Sip would kick me out of our place if I even suggested deep-fried tarantula for snack time. I bet it won’t be long before this delicacy is being served at fairs around the world, right next to those deep-fried Mars bars!

Ambergris – This solid, waxy substance is either regurgitated or defecated by sperm whales… you know what, you already lost me…

Pumpkin Pie – So I guess people are only going to get laid around Thanksgiving… at least they’ll have something to be thankful for!

Pineapple – I always told Mrs. Sip that she should get into Hawaiian pizza. It’s tough when you’re always right!

Drink #268: Mojo

1 oz Rum
1 oz Cherry Liqueur
Top with Beer
Splash of Cola
Splash of Sweet & Sour Mix
Splash of Orange Juice
Splash of Pineapple Juice
Garnish with Tiger Penis (kidding!)

Why can’t things like hamburgers and hot dogs be aphrodisiacs? Why does it always have to be the weird stuff!? I’m going to go find me some ambergris and pester Mrs. Sip for a little roll in the hay!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
Wow, this cocktail was good. I was weary of how it would turn out given how many ingredients it called for and which ingredients you were expected to be mixing together, but I really enjoyed the finished product. Cola and Beer mix together much better than I could have ever imagined!

August 11 – Dirty Colada

Posted on August 11, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Come With Me and Escape

When thinking about this drink, one thing is sure to pop into every person’s mind: the Piña Colada Song. The one hit wonder (actually titled Escape, but long since known as the Piña Colada Song), by Rupert Holmes, features an anonymous personal ad that asks a number of interesting questions that I have decided I should answer. Let’s see if I would make a good match! (If you need a refresher of the song, the video is posted below and lyrics can be found here).

If You Like Piña Coladas

Yeah, they’re okay, but to be honest, I’m not the biggest fan of frozen drinks, in general. This week dedicated to them is really only done on my charitable time (others might call it community service) to give ideas to all my little sippers who want sweet and icy drinks as they enjoy the rest of their summer. After you’ve had a couple giant frozen drinks in Las Vegas, you just don’t feel like dealing with the brain freeze anymore.

And Getting Caught in the Rain

Um, no. While visions of getting caught in a tropical rain storm, clothing plastered to hot bodies, shearing steamy kisses is all very nice for those of us lucky to live somewhere like Hawaii, as a resident of “Raincity”, let me tell you how rain works. It’s cold, it’s wet, and I usually end up getting caught with no umbrella en route to or from work and getting drenched in clothes I have to wear all day. Welcome to reality.

If You’re Not Into Yoga

Okay, we definitely have a match here. I am not into yoga in the slightest. Granted, I’ve only done it once before, but all I wanted to do was crack jokes about the various poses, especially their names. I like to think of myself as a reasonably flexible guy, so I do have to give credit to yoga fanatics as some of those stretches were difficult (particularly in the balance realm), but if I’m going to have a true workout, it’s not going to be through stretching.

If You Have Half a Brain

Sorry, Rupert, you lost me again. The most I can give myself credit for having brain wise is a quarter to a third. If having half a brain is a prerequisite, then you will wind up disappointed. Don’t cry for me though. I’ve done this on purpose, so that when the zombie apocalypse arrives, I won’t be an attractive target and will be able to live out my days in peace and harmony as the owner and proprietor of a bar that caters to the undead.

If You’d Like Making Love at Midnight…In the Dunes of the Cape

I’m ready and raring to go at all hours of the day. Mrs. Sip hates me for that, but it is soooooo good to be hated. Unfortunately I’m right on board until the next line, in the dunes of the cape? Seriously? Remember, I’ve already written about places not to be amorous and my distaste for sand and beaches would certainly preclude this added condition.

So, in the end, I don’t think I’d reply to this personal ad. We really only match up on the anti-yoga thing and if the only way I’m going to get laid is by going to the beach at midnight… I’m sorry, I’m just not that into you. I do wish you all the best in your future endeavours, however.

Drink #223: Dirty Colada (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

Rim glass with Pineapple Sugar
2 oz Rum (I used Krakan Black Spiced Rum)
Top with half Coconut Cream and half Pineapple Juice

The ironic thing about this song is that both the singer and ‘his lady’ are basically writing and responding to a personal ad, looking to cheat on and leave the other. Then when they get together and realize they had actually been writing and responding to each other, they laugh it off like nothing happened. No wonder this dude was a one hit wonder!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
In a pinch, you could use Piña Colada mix, instead of the juices or fresh fruit, but I like to bring my best to this site. Most Piña Coladas come out white in colour, but my use of Kraken Black Spiced Rum made this cocktail a little more dirty, hence the name. While I normally don’t like Pina Coladas, this was enjoyable. It must be said that the Pineapple Sugar Rim was a total pain in the ass to produce.

May 9 – Kryptonite

Posted on May 9, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Kryptonite Crunch

The definition of kryptonite (aside from being a very potent strain of marijuana) is something or someone that makes you weak, powerless, and can even kill you. The concept, of course, comes from the Superman franchise, as the Man of Steel is practically invincible, unless he comes into contact with kryptonite from his home planet of Krypton. Wow, I really nerded out there… and I don’t even like Superman in any way, shape, or form. Here is a shortlist of my kryptonites:

Non-Alcoholic Beer/Mocktails

This would probably kill me. I just don’t get the concept, especially in the case of beer. While some mocktails might still be palatable because of the drink’s ingredients, beer is an acquired taste, so why would you waste your time with the non-alcoholic variety? None of the really good tasting beer flavours are made in the 0.5% form, only plain, ordinary and non-delicious beer types.

Safety Drills

I’m pretty sure these will inevitably kill me. While I understand the logic behind these instructional processes, all they do for me is to encourage me to misbehave and to engage in risky actions. I’m a curious person (also naughty by nature) and when I’m told what will happen in the case of an emergency, I want to test these theories and hypotheses. It doesn’t matter whether it’s aboard an airplane or cruise ship, the term “this is not a drill” will likely be heard.

Streamers and Confetti

One of my biggest weaknesses. When streamers and confetti are shot through the air, I’m like a cat chasing a string. I’m completely mesmerized and fixated on the falling debris. I want to catch it all with my paws… er, hands… and put them in my mouth. Seriously, if I had my very own confetti gun, I’d be the happiest and laziest person in the known world. Either that, or like Eddie Murphy, I just want to party all the time!

Fresh-Baked Cookies

There’s just something about the scent of fresh-baked cookies that make me powerless. I don’t even need milk to become a ravenous zombie. I’m not picky, either. They can be chocolate chip, peanut butter, even oatmeal raisins… they all drive me crazy. Until I can get a couple dozen into my stomach I will not be able to think about anything else… not that there’s anything important going on upstairs, anyway.

Forced Reading

Another thing that would surely kill me. In my opinion, all reading is forced, but what I’m really talking about is when you have no other choice but to do some hardcore reviewing: contracts, textbooks, etc. When you’re the type of person who doesn’t read by choice, it’s even harder when the task arises and you’re rushed to do so. This is why I’m letting Mrs. Sip head up the education of any of our future little sippers.

Hyphenated Surnames

I’m pretty sure hyphenated surnames will eventually lead to the downfall of mankind (kryptonite of the masses). Before our wedding, Mrs. Sip and I had to discuss whether she was going to take my name or not. That’s when I discovered how much I don’t like hyphenated names, never giving it much thought before. Just imagine how long people’s last names will grow to be if two folks with hyphenated last names end up marrying and hyphenate their already hyphenated monikers. You’ll have a four-name long last name and it could snowball from there with later generations jumping to eight and 16 last names.

Drink #129: Kryptonite

Rim glass with Lime Powder
0.5 oz Rum
0.5 oz Tequila
0.5 oz Goldschlager
0.5 oz Jagermeister
Top with Lemon-Lime Kool-Aid

What is your kryptonite? What takes a member of Sip Nation and drives them to acts of stupidity, which they can’t even control. I’m very curious about this subject, partly because I don’t want to be the only person who has no willpower and partly because if I know everyone’s weakness, I can rule the world!

Sip Advisor’s Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
It was a bit of a flashback for me to be using Kool-Aid. One of the very first drinks I ever invented when I was younger and not boozing it up was mixing Kool-Aid and Cola, which I dubbed Kontaminated Kool-Aid. See, I always had mad mixology skills! I like today’s drink quite a bit. It’s probably my favourite Goldschlager cocktail to date and you get varying tastes of it and the Jagermeister. The green Kool-Aid is an interesting touch compared to other mixers with similar effects.

April 3 – Leaving Las Vegas

Posted on April 3, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Strip Cinema

The title of today’s post may be misleading… we’ll actually be discussing some of the many great movies filmed in Las Vegas. So, if you readers want a taste of what Mrs. Sip and I enjoyed last weekend, why not try one of these movies (or today’s cocktail!). Note: While some films can feature a quick jaunt to Vegas, I’ve chosen to concentrate on the ones that are largely based in Sin City.

The Hangover (2009)

The surprise hit (although anyone could have told you this movie was going to be gold, just by the premise) highlighted everything a trip to Vegas has to offer: wild nights out, poor marital choices, getting knocked the eff out by Mike Tyson… you know, all the usual stuff. I’m willing to bet that people go to Vegas now and try to recreate the experience of Alan, Stu, Phil and Doug (poor guy never gets to be part of the fun, though). While I’m all for tripping the light fantastic on the strip, I hope anybody who tries to recreate the debauchery gets eaten by the MGM lions.

Ocean’s 11 (Original (1960) and Remake (2001))

I’m quite fond of both versions of this movie. The first features the Rat Pack (Frankie, Dean-O, Sammy, and the rest of the crew), while the remake sees George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon and too many others to list light up the screen for a fun romp of a heist movie. The ending in each movie is different, which makes watching both totally worth it, and because of the gap between film releases (none of this 10 years later reboot crap), technology had changed so much that the movies have vastly different schemes.

Leaving Las Vegas (1995)

Nicholas Cage won an Oscar for his portrayal of Ben, a longtime alcoholic looking to end his life in one last epic binge. Along the way, he meets prostitute Sera and they form a relationship of sorts, as Ben drinks himself to death and Sera tries to make her life better. You gotta admire Ben’s drive and passion for the bottle. He shows all us boozehounds how to go out honourably.

Vegas Vacation (1997)

Clark Griswold and family are back at it, this time tackling Sin City. One of the highlights of the movie is underage Rusty, who ends up becoming a high roller thanks to a hilarious fake I.D. His lucky streak, as Nick Papagiorgio, saves the family from ruin, as only Chevy Chase can cause. Cousin Eddie is also back in this romp and I wish the casino he takes Clark to actually existed. Rock, Paper, Scissors… Pick-A-Number… I might actually have a chance at these games!

Showgirls (1995)

Let’s be honest… this cinematic gem is pretty awful, but you knew fans would flock to any movie that featured a Saved by the Bell actress in the buff. I personally would have preferred it to star Tiffany Amber Thiessen, but whatevs. Sometimes you just have to make peace with the breasts you are given.

Drink #93: Leaving Las Vegas

1 oz Vodka
1 oz Rum
1 oz Gin
1 oz Triple Sec
2 tbsp Sugar
Splash of Lemonade
Splash of Lemon-Lime Soda
Garnish with Lemon Wedge and Strawberry Slice

I used our coloured ice-cubes for a bit of extra something (since it is supposed to be a Vegas themed drink after all). This drink looks awfully familiar to a Long Island Iced Tea, just minus the cola and with lemonade and lemon-lime soda in its place. I personally love this family of drinks because they are so highly booze-fueled. The Beverly Hills Iced Tea will also be featured on this site in the future!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I love using the pink and white ice cubes. I think they add another layer to a clear cocktail like this. This is basically similar to a Long Island Iced Tea with a few altered ingredients. I love LIIT’s, so this one went down just as easy as all the others!

January 13 – Long Island Iced Tea

Posted on January 13, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Lightweights

Lightweights are lucky–they get drunk without having to spend much cash. I’m not saying I’m a heavyweight, but I probably fall somewhere in the middle thanks to years of experience and conditioning. The Long Island Iced Tea can be very deceptive for any lightweight. It tastes so good that you feel you’re not drinking much, but because of all the ingredients it takes to make the concoction (2.5 oz of liquor in each, plus limited mixer), you’re actually getting sloshed quite quickly. Both Marge Simpson and Sheldon Cooper have been victims of the Long Island Iced Tea’s venom. Here are some other classic lightweights:

Stan Smith (American Dad)

Wanting to live life 1960’s style after watching an episode of Bewitched, Stan proposes to his wife Francine that they make a habit of having evening martinis when he returns from work. Things go off the rails quickly though when Stan is being chased by Francine through their neighbourhood, Stan in his underwear and Francine trying to get him to stop running. How many drinks did Stan have to be behaving in this manner? He consumed one cocktail.

Intoxi-Quoted (my word invention for quotes delivered while on the sauce!): Yaaaaaaahhhhh [unintelligible noises]

Stewie Griffin (Family Guy)

I can’t really blame a baby for getting plastered so easily. He is literally the definition of a lightweight. Stewie starts drinking in order to be nicer and again it only takes one drink to get him tanked. When he refuses to stop boozing, Brian takes him to the Drunken Clam and gets him blitzed, in the hopes that he’ll quit. This, of course, doesn’t end well, with the pair crashing their car – driven by Stewie (naturally if a baby can drink, he can surely drive, as well) – into the bar. After experiencing a massive hangover the next morning, Stewie does give up the bottle… at least the one filled with liquor. QUITTER!

Intoxi-Quoted: [on top of a shelf, drunk] Everybody! Everybody! I’m gonna jump! Gonna jump from… Gonna jump… to my high chair! You ready? Can you… Can you see me… gonna jump… gonna ju… jump to my highchair. You watching? Are you? Are you? [jumps and misses highchair] Ow! You see me?

Marge Simpson (The Simpsons)

When the Simpson family attended a magic show-themed restaurant, Marge was given a Long Island Iced Tea by the magician and found the drink to be quite enjoyable (well, because, it IS quite enjoyable!) Before the show was over, she downed multiple cocktails and was totally soused. Her new found loss of inhibitions resulted in her taking to the stage as the magician’s volunteer. Once back at home, Marge continued to imbibe in frequent Long Island Iced Teas. My kind of lady!

Intoxi-Quoted: “I’d like to visit that Long Island place, if only it were real.”

Sheldon Cooper (Big Bang Theory)

Sheldon (Jim Parsons) can be difficult to deal with. Penny (Kaley Cuoco), one of his most frequent combatants is a bartender at The Cheesecake Factory. When Sheldon saddles up to the bar and asks for something more than Chamomile Tea, Penny serves him (she could serve me anytime!) a Long Island Iced Tea, which he believes is non-alcoholic (due to the words “ice tea”). Sheldon slams a couple quickly, resulting in him confronting on-again, off-again frenemy, Wil Wheaton. He also lost his pants in another booze-related incident.

Intoxi-Quoted: “Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I’m having a tea party!”

Tom Haverford (Parks and Recreation)

Looking to stir up some business, Tom (Aziz Ansari) takes former NBA star Detlef Schrempf to the club he has an ownership stake in, The Snakehole Lounge. While there, Tom seems to be very inebriated. It’s is later revealed by Schrempf, however, that Tom has only consumed two beers… and lite beers at that.

Intoxi-Quoted: “I’m DRUNK!” [at charity telethon]

Doc Brown (Back to the Future)

In the third edition of the time travel franchise, Doc (Christopher Lloyd) passes out following a single shot of whiskey, which is bad enough, but all it took for him to get a buzz going was to smell the drink. And really, how could you ever tell whether or not he’s hitting the bottle… he’s so erratic in his natural behaviour. That’s why we like him!

Intoxi-Quoted: No quote available… the good doctor passed out until morning.

And here’s the drink that brought down two characters on this list and countless others in the real world!:

Drink #13: Long Island Iced Tea

0.5 oz Vodka
0.5 oz Tequila
0.5 oz White Rum
0.5 oz Gin
0.5 oz Triple Sec
1 oz Sweet & Sour Mix
Top with Cola
Garnish with lemon and lime wedge

That sure is a lot of ingredients, but it’s worth it in the end, as you get a strong, but delicious drink. Alternatively, you could go out and buy a Long Island Iced Tea mixer and all you would have to do is add the Sweet & Sour and Cola. I’ve tried one product like this and enjoyed it, but I do have to say, there’s nothing like the real thing!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I really enjoy Long Island Iced Teas, but I feel that simply using the Long Island Iced Tea pre-mixed booze is simpler than having all four necessary liquors on hand and dropping half a shot of each into your drink. When I’ve used the pre-mixed, I don’t notice any difference in taste or effect, so why make things complicated on yourself. Regardless of that little issue, it’s still an awesome cocktail.

Sip Advisor

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