January 13 – Long Island Iced Tea

Lightweights

Lightweights are lucky–they get drunk without having to spend much cash. I’m not saying I’m a heavyweight, but I probably fall somewhere in the middle thanks to years of experience and conditioning. The Long Island Iced Tea can be very deceptive for any lightweight. It tastes so good that you feel you’re not drinking much, but because of all the ingredients it takes to make the concoction (2.5 oz of liquor in each, plus limited mixer), you’re actually getting sloshed quite quickly. Both Marge Simpson and Sheldon Cooper have been victims of the Long Island Iced Tea’s venom. Here are some other classic lightweights:

stan smith

Stan Smith (American Dad)

Wanting to live life 1960’s style after watching an episode of Bewitched, Stan proposes to his wife Francine that they make a habit of having evening martinis when he returns from work. Things go off the rails quickly though when Stan is being chased by Francine through their neighbourhood, Stan in his underwear and Francine trying to get him to stop running. How many drinks did Stan have to be behaving in this manner? He consumed one cocktail.

Intoxi-Quoted (my word invention for quotes delivered while on the sauce!): Yaaaaaaahhhhh [unintelligible noises]

Stewie Griffin

Stewie Griffin (Family Guy)

I can’t really blame a baby for getting plastered so easily. He is literally the definition of a lightweight. Stewie starts drinking in order to be nicer and again it only takes one drink to get him tanked. When he refuses to stop boozing, Brian takes him to the Drunken Clam and gets him blitzed, in the hopes that he’ll quit. This, of course, doesn’t end well, with the pair crashing their car – driven by Stewie (naturally if a baby can drink, he can surely drive, as well) – into the bar. After experiencing a massive hangover the next morning, Stewie does give up the bottle… at least the one filled with liquor. QUITTER!

Intoxi-Quoted: [on top of a shelf, drunk] Everybody! Everybody! I’m gonna jump! Gonna jump from… Gonna jump… to my high chair! You ready? Can you… Can you see me… gonna jump… gonna ju… jump to my highchair. You watching? Are you? Are you? [jumps and misses highchair] Ow! You see me?

Marge Simpson

Marge Simpson (The Simpsons)

When the Simpson family attended a magic show-themed restaurant, Marge was given a Long Island Iced Tea by the magician and found the drink to be quite enjoyable (well, because, it IS quite enjoyable!) Before the show was over, she downed multiple cocktails and was totally soused. Her new found loss of inhibitions resulted in her taking to the stage as the magician’s volunteer. Once back at home, Marge continued to imbibe in frequent Long Island Iced Teas. My kind of lady!

Intoxi-Quoted: “I’d like to visit that Long Island place, if only it were real.”

The Habitation Configuration

Sheldon Cooper (Big Bang Theory)

Sheldon (Jim Parsons) can be difficult to deal with. Penny (Kaley Cuoco), one of his most frequent combatants is a bartender at The Cheesecake Factory. When Sheldon saddles up to the bar and asks for something more than Chamomile Tea, Penny serves him (she could serve me anytime!) a Long Island Iced Tea, which he believes is non-alcoholic (due to the words “ice tea”). Sheldon slams a couple quickly, resulting in him confronting on-again, off-again frenemy, Wil Wheaton. He also lost his pants in another booze-related incident.

Intoxi-Quoted: “Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I’m having a tea party!”

Tom Haverford (Parks and Recreation)

Looking to stir up some business, Tom (Aziz Ansari) takes former NBA star Detlef Schrempf to the club he has an ownership stake in, The Snakehole Lounge. While there, Tom seems to be very inebriated. It’s is later revealed by Schrempf, however, that Tom has only consumed two beers… and lite beers at that.

Intoxi-Quoted: “I’m DRUNK!” [at charity telethon]

Doc Brown

Doc Brown (Back to the Future)

In the third edition of the time travel franchise, Doc (Christopher Lloyd) passes out following a single shot of whiskey, which is bad enough, but all it took for him to get a buzz going was to smell the drink. And really, how could you ever tell whether or not he’s hitting the bottle… he’s so erratic in his natural behaviour. That’s why we like him!

Intoxi-Quoted: No quote available… the good doctor passed out until morning.

And here’s the drink that brought down two characters on this list and countless others in the real world!:

Drink #13: Long Island Iced Tea

Long Island Iced Tea

  • 0.5 oz Vodka
  • 0.5 oz Tequila
  • 0.5 oz White Rum
  • 0.5 oz Gin
  • 0.5 oz Triple Sec
  • 1 oz Sweet & Sour Mix
  • Top with Cola
  • Garnish with lemon and lime wedge

That sure is a lot of ingredients, but it’s worth it in the end, as you get a strong, but delicious drink. Alternatively, you could go out and buy a Long Island Iced Tea mixer and all you would have to do is add the Sweet & Sour and Cola. I’ve tried one product like this and enjoyed it, but I do have to say, there’s nothing like the real thing!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I really enjoy Long Island Iced Teas, but I feel that simply using the Long Island Iced Tea pre-mixed booze is simpler than having all four necessary liquors on hand and dropping half a shot of each into your drink. When I’ve used the pre-mixed, I don’t notice any difference in taste or effect, so why make things complicated on yourself. Regardless of that little issue, it’s still an awesome cocktail.

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