July 2 – Journalist Cocktail

Posted on July 2, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Journalistically Yours

Did you know that the Sip Advisor is actually a trained journalist, specializing in the field of sports writing? Well, today just happens to be World Sports Journalists Day. With that in mind, let’s take a look at some of the best fictional anchors, correspondents, and news teams!

Ron Burgundy & Channel 4 News Team – Anchorman

Ron Burgundy and the gang are a ratings sensation, which doesn’t please their rivals at Channel 2, especially fellow anchor Wes Mantooth. Aside from competition, Burgundy and company also have trouble in the form of women entering the news game and wanting their fair share of screen time and top stories. I can’t wait for the Anchorman sequel to come out and for so many new catchphrases to become part of the pop culture lexicon.

Will McAvoy & News Night Staff – The Newsroom

Mrs. Sip and I have just started watching this series and while I find all the yelling at each other and “I love my job so much I’m going to cry” looks very tiring, it’s a great program with amazing writing and characters you can actually root for (unlike another show that shall not be named because I refuse to have it linked in any way to these awesome “journalists”). The second season begins in just a couple weeks and we find ourselves learning more about the world through fiction than we do through, well…the actual news!

Channel 5 News Team – Family Guy

Led by anchor Tom Tucker and his wonderful mustache, the newscast also featured co-anchor Diane Simmons (until she snapped and tried to kill half the town’s residents), angry weatherman Ollie Williams, and token Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa. Tucker is the heart and soul of this team, though, and it’s always fun seeing him report on the absurd news that occurs in Quahog.

Stephen Colbert – The Colbert Report

Yes, Stephen Colbert is a real person, but his persona while delivering the news is completely fabricated… or at least we all hope it is! The super conservative’s take on world events highlights how insane some people’s view of the world can actually be. While I don’t watch The Colbert Report or Daily Show much anymore, I respect both Colbert and Jon Stewart for their work in becoming more trusted than actual newsmen.

FYI Team – Murphy Brown

Featuring hard-hitting reporter Murphy Brown, the FYI program, based in Washington, D.C., does a top job on covering the American capital. Brown is joined by anchor Jim Dial, investigative journalist Frank Fontana, media darling Corky Sherwood, and executive produced Miles Silverberg. The show was known for taking many of their storylines straight from the real headlines. When not on the set, the FYI crew could often be found at their local watering hole, Phil’s, and that I can get down with!

Kent Brockman & Channel 6 News Team – The Simpsons

Springfield’s resident journalist, Kent Brockman, is a trusted source within the community, even if he does have a spotty news record. His feud with traffic reporter Arnie Pye has led to on-air arguments between the two, which is about as professional as you’d expect a person from Springfield to be. Brockman also hosts other programs, such as Eye on Springfield, Smartline, and even game show Springfield Squares. His segment ‘My Two Cents’ is a highlight of most broadcasts.

The Lone Gunmen – X-Files

This troupe of nerd conspiracy theorists and magazine publishers has investigated some of the world’s greatest mysteries. Because of the nature of their examinations, they choose to remain underground and out of the public eye. Sadly, their spinoff show lasted only 13 episodes. While I never really watched the X-Files, I was interested in The Lone Gunmen because conspiracy theories are interesting to consider, while aliens bore me. Stunningly, the show’s pilot episode featured an attack on the World Trade Centre by hijacked planes six months before the actual 9/11 tragedy.

Weekend Update – Saturday Night Live

Whether you think of the original host, Chevy Chase, or the current presenter, Seth Meyers, Saturday Night Live has had a long run of comedians riffing on the news in what is often the show’s best segment. It’s hard to pick my favourite anchor or team among all the candidates, but I enjoyed Jane Curtain’s pairing with Dan Aykroyd, as well as the all-female duo of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

Drink #183: Journalist Cocktail

1.5 oz Gin (I used Hendrick’s)
0.5 oz Sweet Vermouth
0.5 oz Dry Vermouth
Splash of Triple Sec
Splash of Lemon Juice
Dash of Orange Bitters
Garnish with Lemon Wheel and Pen

This was a hard list to narrow down, as it seems every show has a news element to help forward storyline and such. I even had to cut Sesame Street’s resident journalist, Kermit the Frog!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I like this cocktail, despite my sometimes negative feelings about Vermouths. All the ingredients went well together and none were overwhelming in the recipe. The Hendick’s Gin was a nice touch.

July 1 – Red Maple Sunset

Posted on July 1, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Welcome to Canada

To celebrate Canada Day (my home and native land) I decided to take a look at the pros and cons of this country’s make-up. Why bother looking at what needs improvement, you ask? Well, I feel we should all be always striving to better ourselves and I expect no less from my country. That, and I’m a massive jerk, who likes to rant about things that displease me. On with the ranting!

Pro: Hockey

If you are ever in need of defining what an athlete should be, look no further than a hockey player, preferably of the Canadian variety. There, you will see true glimpses of sportsmanship, humbleness, work ethic, ruggedness, and manliocity. Think of icons like Steve Yzerman, Joe Sakic, Gordie Howe, and ‘The Great One’ Wayne Gretzky.

Con: Expensive Alcohol

Do you know how much easier this 365-day liquor challenge would be if I lived in almost any other country, rather than Canada. Even Canadian manufactured products are ridiculously priced. Whenever Mrs. Sip and I travel south of the border, we make sure to grab a ton of booze because it is just so much more reasonably priced. Sadly, we have limits on what we can bring back and as a law-abiding citizen, I actually follow these allotments… for the most part!

Pro: Good People

Canada has a reputation for its citizens being overly nice and helpful population. This standing is well-earned and as a fictional leader of this great land, I must say that I’m proud of our people and the work we all do to not only make our home a better place, but to welcome strangers from foreign lands.

Con: No Dill Pickle Round Slices

There are a lot of products that I can’t find in Canada, that are available south of the border (in fact, I wrote an entire article about this phenomenon). But one that absolutely flummoxes me is the absence of dill pickles in round slices. If it can be done for sweet pickles, why not dill? Clearly dill pickles can be sliced, but all I ever see is the elongated variety. It has driven me to become an ex-pat of this great nation and must be rectified.

Pro: Beautiful Women

I can say with full conviction that Canada has to have the most beautiful women in the universe. A long walk on a glorious summer day – with dark shades fully ensconced on my noggin’ – is an absolute treat with all the eye candy available to every red-blooded male. Sadly, that beauty gets hidden away during the cold winter months, when everyone is bundling up in toques, scarfs, and jackets, but it’s all worth it again on that first patio-suitable day of spring.

Con: Inclement Weather

As mentioned above, it can get cold and nasty during the winter, up here in the Great White North. Even here in Vancouver, where we have much more mild temperatures, we live in an urban rainforest where we get drenched by buckets of cold rain every year. I know we’re not alone in the not-so-nice weather department, but that doesn’t mean I can’t bitch about it. On the bright side, if you like to ski (or just enjoy watching snow bunnies), we’ve got you covered!

Pro: Strip Clubs with Alcohol

Imagine my shock when my crew saddled up to a strip club in Seattle, Washington for my stag last year and were told that we had a choice: either see naked ladies or keep drinking. Before my friends could answer, I’d already left the lobby, en route to the next liquor establishment. Truth be told, I’m not a strip club regular, but if I do go, I want to be able to have an overpriced brew or cocktail while a young lady makes love to a pole!

Con: No Singles ($1 bills)

How are you supposed to get your money’s worth at the strip club!? The smallest denomination you can tuck into a dancer’s G-string is a fiver. That means you can go through a lot of money in very little time. And don’t even think about making it rain. A small wad of fives, tens, and twenties will pale in comparison to a massive wad of American ones. I guess you could take a jar full of loonies and toonies and toss it into the air and do some serious damage!

Drink #182: Red Maple Sunset

1 oz Campari
1 oz Maple Syrup
Top with Lemon Juice
Splash of Egg Whites
Garnish with Canadian Flag

So, happy birthday Canada! I hope you get all the gifts you’ve wanted and that your next year is as fabulous as the last!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
This was my first opportunity to play around with not only Campari, but also Maple Syrup. The drink was a nice mix of sweet and bitter, as the Campari has a fruity taste, with a bitter finish. The Maple Syrup actually worked well with the cocktail, which was a pleasant surprise given it’s a bit of an odd ingredient.

June 23 – Pink Mishe

Posted on June 23, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

And Away We Go…

Today we begin a two-day recap of my and Mrs. Sip’s recent vacation to Europe, highlighted by a Baltic Sea cruise. Join us for adventures on the high seas and the pillaging of ports. What, you didn’t even realize I was gone? Yeah, that’s how awesome I am, as I kept this site afloat from the other side of the world! Without further ado, here were a few of the places we hit to get our drink on:

Whiskyfest Tasting at Duty Free

The start of our holiday got off to a curious start, as we explored the duty free store in Vancouver International, we stumbled upon a whiskey tasting booth as part of the store’s Whiskyfest celebration. At the booth, I tried a number of scotch products, and decided I liked the Dalmore brand the most. Unfortunately, I had to suffer through my samples with a fellow traveler and scotch know-it-all, who kept telling me to how “peaty” the various libations would taste.

Be At One

Our first stop took us to London, England and between visiting with friends and attending a number of West End shows, we managed to hit this bar three times in just four days for its wonderful happy hour. They way these chaps do things, is drinks are two-for-one, but you have to buy two of the same, so it’s great in groups of even numbers. We must have tried at least a dozen different cocktails over our visits and I even pilfered one of the menus to bring home for my own use.

Wetherspoons

This is a chain of bars in London that offer reasonable prices on food and drink, particularly the food. Mrs. Sip and I enjoyed a couple of pints and pub food while resting between attraction stops. They also have pitchers of cocktail creations available, such as Sex on the Beach, Cosmopolitan and Mojito, among others. Some, like the one right across from the Tower of London, also have rather amazing views!

Carlsberg Brewery

From London, we were off to Copenhagen, Denmark in the wee hours of the morning. After checking into our cruise, we visited the Carlsberg Brewery, home to, as the brewery puts it, “Probably the best beer in the world!”. I enjoyed this tour of the brewery, highlighted by our end-of-tour samples and an interesting collection of beer bottles from around the world that fills the entire top floor of one of the landmark’s buildings. This is also the first breweries I’ve visited that house horses!

Ice Bar & Liquor Store Shopping

Our day in Oslo, Norway started with sightseeing and finished with drinks and liquor shopping, as any good travel day should. When we discovered that both art museums housing the famous ‘Scream’ painting were closed, we decided to hit the Ice Bar and enjoy some very expensive (and not very deserving of their price) cocktails in freezing cold temperatures. While the bar made of ice was unique, paying $14.50 per small cocktail of cranberry juice and vodka was maybe not the highlight of the day. Oh well, you have to do it once in your life!

This was our reaction when we found out both the Munch Museum and National Gallery were closed on our one day in Oslo, Norway!

The day took a swing back upwards when we were given directions to a nearby liquor store, where I hoped to find Cloudberry Liqueur, a supposedly rare and expensive spirit known to be found in Norway. While I didn’t find the hidden treasure, I was able to pick up some Crowberry Frost Liqueur (sounds close enough, right?), which I had never heard of before and a small bottle of Hot & Sweet, which I can only describe as a salty Black Sambuca that should be used as a punishment shot in drinking games.

Trotzenburg Brewery

In Germany, the land of beer and chocolate, we managed to enjoy both on this wet, miserable day. The first restaurant we hit to escape the inclement weather, featured a delicious wheat beer (my favourite type of brew, in case anyone was wondering), which I combined with a hot chocolate to help warm me up. Mrs. Sip followed suit, displaying all the qualities that made me fall in love with her!

Once the rain let up a little we made our way to the Trotzenburg Brewery in Rostock, Germany, where our group (we had been joined by some extended Sip family members from Berlin/Hamburg) shared a yard of beer, made up of 13 mugs of various brews. This was the perfect complement to our schnitzel and currywurst orders!

Drink #174: Pink Mishe

1 oz Crowberry Frost Liqueur
1 oz Absolut Citron Vodka
2 oz Lemon Juice
Garnish with Lemon Wedge

Join us tomorrow for even more escapades as we conquer seven countries in two weeks and most of the time while blitzed out of our minds!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (2 Sips out of 5):
This was my first cocktail using the Crowberry Frost Liqueur Mrs. Sip and I found in Denmark. I have to say the lemon measurement was too strong in this cocktail, overwhelming the Crowberry Liqueur and Citron Vodka. I wish I had used Sweet & Sour Mix over Lemon Juice. To sum up, I look forward to trying Crowberry Liqueur again, sans Lemon Juice.

June 12 – Sour Sex

Posted on June 12, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

It’s All in the Name

Some would say that today’s drink does not have a very appealing name. However, while a wine connoisseur I am not, I’ve noticed that wines and wineries in general have some very, let’s say “unique” trademarks. There can be some really clever names for wineries, and then there can be some god awful brands. Here are some of the best and worst out there:

Best:

Mischief and Mayhem (France)

This winery name perfectly describes what you’re likely to get up to after a bottle or two of its grapes. Throw in a brand like Naked Grape and hopefully that’s in your future as well! While I’m not a regular wine drinker, I have had a number of adventures start with a bottle of red or white (or even the occasional rosé when I’m feeling particularly crazy!) so thank you for that wine world!

Tex Zin (Texas)

I actually found this moniker on someone’s list of bad winery names and I don’t know what they were thinking. I think it’s pretty catchy in it’s relation to the term Tex Zin. I think Zinfandels are the asiest wine to play off of for a winery name. There’s also 7 Deadly Zins, Cardinal Zin, and Original Zin.

Moral Compass (California)

Every good drinker knows that the ‘moral compass’ theory is utter nonsense. With each drink, the compass gets more and more damaged and by the end of the first bottle you’ve either lost it or its readings are coming in completely jumbled. My moral compass has been missing for years, even after I tacked pictures of it to milk cartons around the world.

Mad Housewife (California)

The wine’s label reads: “Somewhere near the cool shadows of the laundry room. Past the litter box and between the plastic yard toys. This is your time. Time to enjoy the moment to yourself. A moment without the madness. The dishes can wait. Dinner be damned.” That about sums up the family experience and why I’m not necessarily looking forward to it. I won’t be reaching for wine in a situation like the one presented above. I’ll be slamming whiskey instead.

Screw Kappa Napa (California)

This is one fraternity or sorority that I would actually golf clap for. It is true that wine can make you sleepy, but there’s absolutely nothing wrong with getting afternoon drunk and having a brief cat nap before evening fun.

Stu Pedasso (California)

Say the name slowly and you’ll get the joke. There is some dispute over whether Stu actually exists and even if he does, whether this is his real name. If he does, I’d like to induct him into The Sip Advisor Hall of Fame. So, will the real stupid asshole please stand up? Ha, I didn’t say Sip Advisor says…

Worst:

Cat’s Pee on a Gooseberry Bush (New Zealand)

Is this supposed to describe the taste of the wine? The aroma? That’s just what we need in today’s world… a wine that smells like ammonia and tastes even worse. I’m pretty sure cats don’t even pee on gooseberry bushes anyway. Perhaps if it were called Cat’s Pee in a Litter Box, it would make more sense… and be even harder to swallow.

Booger Swamp (North Carolina)

This winery name gives me the mental image of a backwoods family flicking their nose gold into a swamp and then using a giant paddle to stir the mixture up before bottling the substance. So. Not. Right.

Clos de Pise (Italy)

Roughly translated, this winery name means “field of piss”. Again, is this an idea we want to relate to something we are about to ingest? Imagine this was part of the wine making process, to flood the field of grapes, much like cranberries are with water, only this time the H2O is substituted with…well you get my point. Would wine be nearly as possible if this were the case?

Frog’s Piss (France)

Continuing what now appears to be the very original theme of comparing wine to urine, we now have this lovely French Winery. Nothing beats a nice refreshing glass of… Frog’s Piss??? Do frogs even pee? There’s so much I still need to learn. It figures a culture that indulges in frog’s legs would find uses for other parts of the amphibian, including its bodily fluids!

Hair of the Dingo (Australia)

I’m sure this is meant to be similar to “hair of the dog”, both of which would be equally disgusting to drink. I will, however, take my morning after booze in the form of hard alcohol and not fermented grapes. Did we ever learn whether or not that dingo ate her baby?

White Trash White/Redneck Red (California)

I’m assuming that this wine is produced in a large oil drum – and an unwashed oil drum at that – by a group of rednecks who have grown tired of the risky moonshine business and have pledged to go legit with a winery. Sadly, their dreams will come to a crashing halt when Cousin Cletus realizes that they’ve been making moonshine all along and never came up with a new recipe.

Drink #163: Sour Sex

1.5 oz Whiskey
1 oz White Wine
Top with Lemon-Lime Soda
Splash of Lemon Juice
Garnish with Warheads Sour Twist

I’d be interested to know how many people will buy a wine solely based on its name. Then, I’d like to know how many of those people end up having a good experience and how many regret their purchase. These are the kinds of statistics we should be looking into, not wasting our time with childhood obesity and global warming!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (2.5 Sips out of 5):
I could only assume that sour sex would be disappointing, and this drink is much the same. There’s just something a little off with concoction. Whether it’s Whiskey not mixing well with White Wine, or Lemon Juice wreaking havoc on the recipe, something is just not right. It’s a passable cocktail, but I can’t give it any more credit than that.

May 30 – Root Beer Fizz

Posted on May 30, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Thanks for the Meme-ories

Today marks post #150 of this blog, which has now surpassed Wikipedia as the most reliable source on the Internet. To celebrate, I present to you, my loyal and faithful little sippers, a smattering of memes to enjoy!

I’m not too sure who this old dude is, but he looks pretty dapper and his message is bang on. On second glance, he looks a little shitfaced and maybe leaning on the bar to hold himself up. I think alcohol has a passing record when you add up the births minus the deaths and divide by awesomeness!

I can only half agree with this message. Partly because I believe alcohol AND milk can solve problems. How many times have you been hanging out with your posse and decisions have been made or fences mended thanks to a little liquid libation? And how many times has a serving of cookies and milk helped you solve all of life’s little problems? Both substances are invaluable, in my honest opinion.

This little trooper is a Sip Advisor in training. Like a Jedi, he must go through tremendous sacrifice in order to harness the power of the force. It’s pretty funny that the beer is bigger than the kid and I love the thought of putting a young one through a sobriety test.

That is one massive beer! And lucky for this young chap, it’s a Hoegaarden, one of the finest brews in the world. That guy doesn’t even look of legal age though. Not that I’m condemning him (I started my Sip Advisor conditioning at an unheard of age because I was a “chosen one”). Imagine if doctors could prescribe ginormous alcohol servings and then you’d go to your local pharmacy to get your prescription filled… only in a perfect world!

This chick seems a little scattered, but it’s probably because she’s out of that aforementioned vodka. It’s sad that future generations won’t even know what an etch-a-sketch was or many of the other amazing devices we grew up with. Nowadays a kid turns four and they get a tablet device or cell phone loaded with enough content to babysit them for years. So much for imagination, which will one day be the world’s most scarce commodity.

A cat wearing a bow tie with glasses… how many scratches do you think that owner received in order to snap this awesome photo!? I bet they lost half their blood volume, but it was totally worth it. A scary thought just crossed my mind, however, what if this feline dressed himself and actually possess the intelligence to be a scientific wizard? If cats ever rise up against their human suppressors, I guess we’re still safe given that they sleep 20 hours a day and we can counter attack them while they’re napping.

Drink #136: Root Beer Fizz

1.5 oz Gin (I used Tanqueray)
Top with Root Beer
Splash of Lemon Juice
Garnish with Lemon Slices

Sip Advisor Bar Notes: (5 Sips out of 5):
This drink was delicious. I don’t know if that comes from its relatively simple recipe or the fact that Root Beer rules, but either way, I thoroughly enjoyed this cocktail. It gets my full, 100% recommendation.

May 28 – Japanese Slipper

Posted on May 28, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Land of the Rising Sun

Near the top of Mrs. Sip’s and my “Countries We’d Like to Visit” list is Japan. When we go, we’d like to be there for about a month, so we can really soak in all the country has to offer. As a result, this will be the first ever Sip Advisor two-part epic, as we examine all the touristy things we’d like to hit. Of course, if I cut out all the entries where I’m just trying to be funny, we could probably get it down to a one-part epic, but that would be blasphemous, so just bear with me. And away, we go!

Meet Godzilla

I’m sure he’d be cool with signing a few autographs for me and Mrs. Sip. I heard Godzilla and Mothra were currently touring together, hitting all the sci-fi conventions. Good for them and a lesson for the entire world to put aside their differences and unite in the name of making mad money!

Watch Wrestling

Of course, there’s the cultural sumo wrestling, which would be on the list, but I also grew up watching the odd bootlegged tape of Japanese professional wrestling (known as Puroresu) and so I would also need to attend one of these shows, as well. The fans are very different in Japan than in North America (or anywhere else in the world, for that matter). They are very respectful and often sit quietly in their seats until something important happens, causing them to let out a roar of cheers or disapproval before returning to their hushed state.

Eat Sushi

Vancouver (the city made famous by The Sip Advisor) has really good sushi, thanks to being located so close to the ocean. That said, you would have to try this phenomena in its native land. I’ve heard it recommended that you try one of the conveyor belt sushi restaurants, so I’m down with that. I’ve also been warned that Japanese sushi and other fish may contain toxins that tourists can’t handle. Sounds like a good challenge!

Train as a Ninja

I’m very good at sneaking around, but my martial arts skills could use some work. I think the fun part would be weapons training, where I’m sure I’d bash myself in the groin with nun chucks and kendo sticks, alike. Hopefully by the time we move onto katanas (swords) and shurikens (throwing stars), this is no longer a reoccurring issue.

Stay in a Love Hotel

While Mrs. Sip and I frequent hourly rate accommodations, this would be a new experience. She can take her usual catnap, while I can peruse the erotic TV programs, try on some kinky costumes and try to chat with all the employees who are supposed to remain out of sight and anonymous. This way, we’ll both be refreshed for the next stop on our whirlwind tour!

Lose Money Playing Pachinko

A game similar to the famous Price is Right contest, Plinko, Pachinko Parlours can be found all throughout Japan. The cool thing about gambling at this game is that you would have something physical – the little balls you try to get to drop in the right slots – to show your winnings, like how Vegas and other gambler’s havens used to actually reward players with coins, not credits.

Buy Something Crazy in a Vending Machine

Apparently these dudes and dudettes have everything from panties to hot dogs to umbrellas in their vending machines. Perhaps I’ll grab one of each!

Drink #148: Japanese Slipper

1 oz Melon Liqueur
1 oz Cointreau
1 oz Lemon Juice
Garnish with Sour Watermelon

Tomorrow we continue with our tour of Japan. Join us as we offend nearly every citizen of Japanimation!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
In a perfect world, I would have been able to use Midori for this martini, but it is unfortunately not easily or economically available to me. Therefore, I resorted to my Melon Liqueur, which always comes through in clutch situations. I find that Lemon Juice can sometimes be too dominant in a recipe, but that doesn’t happen here. It works well with the Melon Liqueur and Cointreau and you taste different things with each sip, which is enjoyable.

May 16 – Greenback

Posted on May 16, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Drinking Bad

We recently faced a conundrum here at the Sip Advisor headquarters: do we feature a bad drink? I work diligently to select drinks that I hope at least one sect of my fan base will enjoy and I think to this point, I’ve done a good job of making decent cocktails for all you little sippers. Heck, we made it to May before we had to address this issue.

I’m not perfect, but I’m pretty close. Every drink I’ve made thus far has received a passing grade (although the Flatliner was close to having to attend summer school).

That is, until I tried making the Greenback. At first glance of the name, I figured I could write about money and how I don’t understand so much financial mumbo jumbo. After one sip of this vile substance, I learned two things: bad cocktails are my kryptonite and I’d be crafting a post about when recipes go bad.

Bacon is my kryptonite too… just in a good way!

I had never tried Crème de Menthe, but I’ve seen it featured in a ton of recipes, especially ones to do with Gin, so I figured this was a tried, tested and proven drink. If it is tried and tested, those brave souls are surely dumb, deaf, and blind from the experience.

This concoction is gross. I’m not sure I’ve had anything quite so disgusting and we’re talking about a guy who would make some Fear Factor winners blush with the list of things I’m willing to try.

Unfortunately, not every drink that has a published recipe means that it is good (or at the very least drinkable). A lot of human error went into this mix and I’d love to meet whoever first invented it so that I could shake his hand… [Wait, remember Sip Advisor, you hated this drink]… Let’s try that again, using comedian Christopher Titus’ proposed Control-Z machine, which takes us back exactly 12 seconds into the past: so that I could stomp on his foot, forever sullying his pristine white shoelaces and while he’s looking down stunned, I would deliver the world’s greatest flying knee lift, ala Brutus ‘The Barber’ Beefcake.

Would I be arrested on the spot, of course, but it would all be worth it to exact a small degree of revenge against this perpetrator. Plus, once I explained myself to the judge, she would surely let me off with a slap on the wrist and a “boys will be boys” chuckle. Plus, what she doesn’t know, is that I kind of enjoy a little light wrist slapping.

This cocktail made me question whether I deserved the title of Sip Advisor. In a moment of total anxiety I burned all the merchandise concepts we eventually plan on rolling out through the site. I took my entire bar collection and threw it off our balcony. I even took my precious muddler and tried to flush it down the toilet.

In the fetal position and with a flooding bathroom, Mrs. Sip tried to calm me down and restore my usual swagger. She reasoned that this is exactly what a Sip Advisor does. Tries the good and bad and lets the world know which is which (she may have even pointed out that the tagline of this site is in fact “The Good, The Bad, and The Bubbly”). She was right, I do look good naked (my mind always drifts off eventually).

So, I know with this cocktail, you readers no longer view me as a hero. I will settle for being a nearly flawless individual who is responsible for so much good on this earth that it’s hard to fathom I’m merely mortal.

Drink #136: Greenback

1 oz Green Crème de Menthe
1 oz Gin
Splash of Lemon Juice
Garnish with a Lemon Wedge

I don’t even know why I’ve included the recipe. It should be scorched from the earth. If you do decide to take your life into your own hands and attempt making and consuming this drink, the risk is all on you. The Sip Advisor cautions that this beverage contains scenes of violence and coarse language (usually known as the good stuff, but not in this case). Viewer’s digestion is advised. On second thought, don’t worry about the coarse language because this drink is worse than having soap in your mouth!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (1 Sips out of 5):
And that score is generous. This awful mess is basically a mouthwash – you spit and don’t swallow. And it does, in fact, taste exactly as if you are drinking mouthwash (I went and had some Listerine after to compare). I feel I’m being too generous with giving it any score at all. Yuck!

May 15 – Atone-Mint

Posted on May 15, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Making Amends

I’ve been a bad, bad boy and the TV court judges – your Judys, Joe Browns, and the like – have sentenced me to atone for my sundry misdeeds. And there are a lot of them:

I am the legendary D.B. Cooper

That’s right, my little sippers. At the ripe age of minus-12, I boarded Northwest Orient Airlines Flight 305 and made off with $200,000. I promptly blew the money on baby food and diapers for my impending birth more than a decade later. For me, it was all about the thrill. All the fame and notoriety that followed was icing on the cake, although like Batman, I could never soak up the adulation.

I am the cause of power outages

Because of the massive amounts of electricity that flows through my body, I am a surge protector’s worst nightmare. Take all the electricity-based super villians – Electro, Shocker, Livewire – put them together and they still have nothing on me. You can ask Mrs. Sip… every time I touch her she gets shocked. I laugh a boisterous bad guy laugh, she lets out a soft whimper, and that’s the end of our foreplay!

I failed to stop the vampire craze

When I was younger, I took it upon myself to patrol the online message boards of the vast and lawless internet. I was one part Steve McGarrett from Hawaii 5-0 and two parts Carl Winslow from Family Matters. My assignment, which I chose to accept, was to kibosh any positive talk about the return of any “monster” movies. Frankenstein – never stood a chance; Wolfman – pssh, please… I slipped up, though. I figured no one would ever get so obsessed with vampires again. So, yes, I am to blame for all the Twilights, the True Bloods, the Abe Lincoln Vampire Hunters. I cry myself to sleep every night thinking about where I went wrong. Frighteningly, my tears are those creepy vampire blood ones…

I am the reason sneezes sometimes don’t come out

Don’t you hate it when that happens? It’s worse than being stuck in a car after drinking a Big Gulp with no restroom in sight. Well, friends, I’m to blame for your lack of release (that’s what she said). You see, this all began when I was just a young’un. I took great delight in distracting people just as they were about to sneeze and as we all know, that precious moment can pass quickly. As I grew older, I had to be stealthier with these attacks. Not many people will hit a devious kid, but a punk teenager should be throttled if justified. This behavior has continued into my adult years and now I’m able to do it telepathically, having refined my skills to such an nth degree.

I am to blame for potato chip price inflation

This one is all about supply and demand. Prices go up because I destroy much of the supply and there’s still a huge demand for the salty, delicious snack. Thankfully, my sponsors (not the AA type, although if there were a Chipoholics anonymous, I might be their first patron) keep me well stocked and in the chippy-filled lifestyle to which I have become accustomed.

Global warming… you can pin that on me, too

My sincerest apologies to the polar ice caps… I’m just so damn hot that I’m warming up this little world of ours and causing melting of massive chunks of ice. The Game of Thrones Northerners would be so pissed with me. They keep saying that “winter is coming”, but not as long as I’m around. I’m trying to reduce my thermal excretions (wow, that sounds so unsexy), particularly for all the animals I’d be affecting. I love penguins, polar bears, and such and will do everything in my power to see that they are safe and comfortable.

Drink #135: Atone-Mint

Muddle Mint, Strawberries and Lemon Wedges
1.5 oz Blueberry Vodka (I used Smirnoff)
Splash of Lemon Juice
Top with Lemon-Lime Soda

What I really need to apologize for is for being so awesome. Not only can the club not handle me, but most of the world just can’t compete at my level. I leave it all on the floor, day-in, day-out.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
This drink was really enjoyable. The Blueberry Vodka was a nice twist in a Mojito-style cocktail and having so much muddled goodness floating around gave the beverage a wicked presentation. This will be a wonderful summer selection and I can’t wait for the sun to come back and party for a while!

May 14 – Time for a Change?

Posted on May 14, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Politically Declined

To sum up quickly, I hate elections, politicians and basically everything having to do with the political process.

I feel that government doesn’t do very much, what it does accomplish takes way too long to get done, and when it finally gets done, then we go and repeal it anyway. I would never trust a politician further than I could throw them… unless it was hilariously off a cliff Wile E. Coyote style!

Elections are the worst time of the year. Our news is inundated with one group of politicians going on about stupid things other politicians have done such as riding transit without a ticket or running a red light while taking their son to an early morning hockey practice, all presumably in an attempt to sway voters who won’t bother to actually look up the various parties’ platforms. With a multitude of rainbow signs going up everywhere you look and TV commercials interrupting my programming, I just want to take a three-month nap and avoid the whole scenario. And don’t even get me started on the annoying phone calls and pamphlets.

Perhaps if elections were solved with cage fights, I might be a little more interested. Think about it, you could have a stacked card of death matches and charge people to come and see who “wins” the battle. And all the proceeds would go to fund the “elected” government’s initiatives and programs.

If you look through the history of the world, every important issue has been settled at WrestleMania, so why not continue down this path in the political forum?

Sadly, this is not to be, but it’s something for future generations to keep in mind. Maybe when the polar ice caps eventually melt and we go into a state of martial law, we can revisit my proposal.

I took a political science course once and I couldn’t stand it. Every class, when the teacher looked like he was wrapping things up and was going to let us free a little earlier, there would always be one jackass who would keep asking questions – queries of a political nature, but having nothing to do with our current lesson – until before you knew it, we had actually run over the class time and would now be fighting each other to exit, Battle Royal style, in order to get to the parking lot.

All that said, today I have to go stand in line to execute my “right” as a free democratic being who enjoys the benefits of not living in a dictatorship, I guess.

Although, this guy looks like he knows how to party!

Mrs. Sip insists that I vote, even threatening to withhold potato chips and cookies from me. What she doesn’t know is that as soon as I enter the private voting booth, I promptly check off the candidate she dislikes the most, file my ballot, and call it a day!

Drink #134: Time for a Change?

Rim glass with Sugar
1.5 oz Black Cherry Bourbon
0.5 oz Cointreau
Splash of Lemon Juice
Splash of Wildberry Juice
Dash of Orange Bitters

Is it really time for a change? I say, who cares. It’s usually not too long before we hate the dude or dudette we all elected. People say if you don’t vote, you have no right to complain about what happens. And really, that’s the only reason the Sip Advisor goes to the polls every year!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
This is quite the cocktail to undertake. Sadly, I had to leave the lavender portion of the recipe out, but it wasn’t missed too much. I really enjoy any drink that contains Black Cherry Bourbon and this was no exception. I found it really hard to pick an election-themed cocktail, as most were American-related and well, that’s not where I live. I still love the drink name Obama Slammer, though.

May 3 – Sidecar

Posted on May 3, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Sidekicking

The Sip Advisor has gone through numerous sidekicks over the years. I don’t have a good safety track-record with my associates and therefore find it hard to reel in replacements. Perhaps these guys and gals are looking for work. If so, please submit your resumes and head shots (females only) to Sip Advisor Headquarters, PO Box 84148. Best of luck to those applying!

Robin – Batman

Batman can get a lot of crazy stuff done on his own, but add in Robin and you have quite the dynamic duo. The ‘Boy Wonder’ is the quintessential sidekick. He knows his role as the number two and doesn’t overstep the boundaries of his part… except for his constant “holy, [insert something to do with their current predicament], Batman” musings.

Dr. Watson – Sherlock Holmes

Without Dr. Watson around, surely Sherlock Holmes would go insane under the weight of his own superior intelligence. Watson is the calming force that helps Sherlock work his way through mysteries and there’s the odd time where the good doctor’s problem solving ability is crucial in cracking a case. Mmmm, cracking a case… right, we’re not talking about beer.

Barney Fife – Andy Taylor

While Sheriff Andy Taylor was the straight man and level-headed leader of the Mayberry Police Department, his counterpart, Deputy Barney Fife was his inept, hapless partner. Together, they made a good pairing that kept the town safe and orderly, although Fife usually needed Taylor’s help to keep him safe from himself.

Dale Gribble – Hank Hill

While Dale is the kind of sidekick that causes more issues than he solves, he certainly keeps things interesting for best friend Hank. Dale’s paranoia has frequently got the best of him and one has to wonder if his career as a pest removal specialist – and all those toxic chemicals – isn’t to blame for some of his delusions. Hank has to reel his friend in from time to time, which is easy for the serious leader.

Milhouse Van Houten – Bart Simpson

And everything’s coming up Milhouse! It’s hard to tell sometimes if Milhouse is friends with Bart because he likes Bart or if he just wants to remain closer to his crush and Bart’s sister, Lisa. If there isn’t some degree of friendship between the two boys, then Milhouse has gone through a lot just for his unrequited love. Bart has caused him to get into a great deal of trouble, and when pressed as to why he’s friends with Milhouse, Bart struggles to answer, saying it is largely due to “geographic convenience”.

Barney Rubble – Fred Flintstone

Fred’s little buddy Barney is always up for Fred’s shenanigans and despite warning him of what the end results could be, Barney often goes along with the scheme. The two pals are both members of the Loyal Order of Water Buffalos and even work together at the Slate Rock and Gravel Company quarry. That’s a lot of time to spend with one person, but if it works for them, who am I to judge?

Mini-Me – Dr. Evil

The pint-sized clone of Dr. Evil may be small in stature, but he’s just as wicked as his “daddy”. Mini-Me also has the advantage of being at a perfect level for biting adversaries in the shin or delivering a devastating low blow. You can never stay too mad at the little guy, though, because he has such a sweet grin… even if it is hiding his evil side.

Diddy Kong – Donkey Kong

These two primates play off of each other so well that they have been able to keep Donkey Kong Country safe from evil crocodiles and slithering snakes on multiple occasions. Donkey Kong played the role of mentor to his young protégé Diddy, as they bashed their way over all the baddies who meant them harm. Diddy (no relation to Puff Daddy) even branched out and took the lead in his own game, letting Donkey enjoy a comfortable retirement in his banana horde. He hasn’t been seen in years!

Dwight Schrute – Michael Scott

In his constant pursuit of a management position at the Dunder-Mifflin paper company, Dwight Schrute idolizes manager Michael Scott, even if his treatment at the hands of his boss isn’t always the kindest. Dwight is often placed into the role of Assistant to the Regional Manager, which he claims means Assistant Regional Manager. Meanwhile, he’s stuck doing Michael’s laundry and other menial tasks, while others are promoted ahead of him.

Drink #123: Sidecar

1.5 oz Brandy (I used Meagher’s Apricot Brandy)
1.5 oz Cointreau
Splash of Lemon Juice
Garnish with an Orange Slice

When I was younger, Broski Sip was my sidekick and partner in crime. He’s since moved onto other endeavors, while I continue to pursue worldwide awesomeness. Mrs. Sip was offered his spot, but she declined, wanting to live a long life. So, I ask, who has the intestinal fortitude to join me in this pursuit? You will never regret it!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I’m learning quickly that I really enjoy Apricot Brandy. It very nicely accentuates the already delicious Triple Sec. The cocktail, as a whole, was good and an optional sugar rim could have been added for those who want an even sweeter taste.

Sip Advisor

The Good, The Bad & The Bubbly

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