May 12 – Mother Love

Posted on May 12, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Momma’s Boys

We all love our moms, but perhaps these guys hung around a little too long for extra seasoning. It’s funny how many classic characters (and it always seems to be sons) lived at home for way too long and can’t really function in the outside world on their own. On that note: Happy Mother’s Day!

Buster Bluth – Arrested Development

Perhaps the definition of Mamma’s boy, Buster Bluth’s personality is the result of being smothered by his mother for most of his life. As a result when Lucille Bluth wants Baby Buster to get on with his life, he’s stuck in a childlike state of uncertainty and confusion. Still, the guy manages to be sent off to the military and other misadventures as he tries to prove himself to the entire Bluth family… but mostly his mom.

Norman Bates – Psycho

This boy’s obsession with his mother went waaaaayyyy too far! I don’t like spoiling things, but I think we all know that Bates is revealed to be killing people at his family’s motel, while being dressed like his deceased mother. Creepy stuff, dude.

Cliff Clavin – Cheers

Cliff Clavin and his ma are known to have the occasional row, as Cliff looks to spread his wings and become a man. Too bad he’s already a middle age, postal carrier who spends a majority of his free time at the local watering hole. Hopefully Cliffy didn’t get his factually inaccurate trivial knowledge from his ma as well.

Principal Skinner – The Simpsons

Much like Cliff Claven and his mom, Seymour Skinner and his mother seem to always be at odds. Whether it’s over the bath pillow, Seymour having friends and dates over, or his professional aspirations, Agnes Skinner seems to want to control every aspect of her son’s life. This often results in an exasperated principal and some of their rows have even required police intervention.

Robert Barone – Everybody Loves Raymond

While his brother lives next door, raising a family with his wife, Robert is still stuck in his parents’ home, under the strict rule and care of his mother. His brother Ray is about the same level of momma’s boy as Robert is, but because Ray is out on his own (one whole house over from his parents) he often slips under the radar.

Hoyt Fortenberry – True Blood

Poor, poor Hoyt. His mother tries to control every little aspect of his life, from who he dates, to where he lives, and even what he wears. That’s a horrible situation to be in when you’ve constantly running from any manner of vampires, werewolves, shifters, fairies and other otherworldly beings.

Walt, Larry, Igner – Futurama

Being the sons of the confectionary icon “Mom” would be tough on any son. While she shows a sickeningly sweet appearance to the outside world, Mom is in fact a harsh, domineering, woman, who has high expectations for her offspring, while not letting them move too far away from the nest.

Joffrey Baratheon – Game of Thrones

Joffrey is trying to break out of his mother’s tall and beautiful shadow, despite all her efforts (and there’s been numerous “efforts”) to see her son sit on the iron throne.. under her careful guidance. Thanks to his unconventional upbringing, Joffrey is a little psychopath in the making and that will surely make the rest of the series very intriguing to watch unfold!

Howard Wolowitz – Big Bang Theory

That Howard didn’t dispose of his mother and her infuriating voice before finding a girl and moving out of the house is a miracle of modern science. Maybe that’s why the genius went into engineering in the first place!

Drink #132: Mother Love

1.5 oz Whiskey (I used Crown Royal)
0.5 oz Peppermint Schnapps
Garnish with three Junior Mints

This post is dedicated to my own Mama Sip and to all the lovely mothers out there in Sip Nation. Without you, none of us would be here and we thank you all for taking care of us!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
Given the proportions, you’d expect to only get a hint of peppermint schnapps, but that’s just not how the liquor rolls. I wouldn’t say it overwhelms, but it’s prevalent. I definitely suggest using a good whiskey with this drink, like I did.

May 11 – Wedding Cake Shot

Posted on May 11, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

The Wedding March

TV show weddings are an event unto themselves. They usually feature the uniting of two characters we’ve watched fall in love together and their relationship blossom. Usually saved for season finales and in some cases series finales, the wedding episode is often an extremely important occasion. Here are some of my faves:

Andy & April/Ben & Leslie – Parks and Recreation

Parks and Rec has hosted two very memorable wedding ceremonies. First, Andy and April surprised their friends and family with their impromptu nuptials during a housewarming party. The pair had only been together a few months, but they were a very compatible match. Later on in the series, Ben and Leslie made their relationship official, in another spur of the moment ceremony, this time in the Parks and Rec Office with the help of all their friends.

Zack & Kelly – Saved by the Bell

As a huge fan of the show growing up, it broke my heart to see Kelly Kapowski finally tie the knot with Zack Morris. Why not me, I constantly asked the TV? Receiving no reply, I eventually made peace with their relationship (after years of intense psychotherapy, of course). We always wanted to see Zack and Kelly get together, even during the season where Kelly disappeared and was replaced by biker chick Tori. Some things are just meant to be!

Jim & Pam – The Office

While they were able to slip away to privately tie the knot on the Maid of the Mist boat near Niagara Falls – a ceremony that Michael Scott couldn’t ruin – both of their weddings were beautifully done. Based on the British version of The Office, you always knew that Jim and Pam would eventually fall in love… it just took three seasons and a few other twists and turns before all viewers could let out a sigh of relief and happiness.

Howard & Bernadette – Big Bang Theory

The first Big Bang Theory wedding – if you don’t think we’ll eventually see Leonard and Penny wed or even Sheldon and Amy, you’re out of your mind – went to Howard and Bernadette. The most touching moment of the entire episode was when the camera zoomed out to space (the couple wanted their nuptials to be captured by the Google Earth satellite) to show that the group had decorated the rooftop to look like a heart with an arrow through it from high above.

Niles & Daphne – Frasier

Niles lusted for Daphne for years on the show, but the two never seemed to be in the right situation to come together. First, Niles was married to the ice queen (and never seen) Maris. Then, as his marriage crumbled, Daphne was dating and later engaged to Donny, prompting Niles to move on and marry Mel. Things came to a head when Niles and Daphne ran away together just as Daphne was to be married. That’s some tale to tell the grandkids one day.

Ross & Emily – Friends

This wedding turned into quite the train wreck when Ross slipped up and said Rachel’s name during his vow exchange with bride-to-be Emily. Although they finished the ceremony, Ross and Emily split up soon afterwards, even though Ross and Rachel didn’t get back together immediately either. Sure there were other, more successful nuptials during the run of Friends, but this one may have been the most memorable.

Cory & Topanga – Boy Meets World

These two lovebirds were destined for each other and it was clear all along that someday they would walk down the aisle together. From jungle gyms to wedding bells, there were very few moments when the couple wasn’t romantically linked. This was another sad day for your faithful Sip Advisor. As much as I liked Cory, I always hoped Topanga and I would have a chance – it was not to be…

Homer & Marge – The Simpsons

In one of the series’ many flashback episodes, we become privy to the shotgun wedding of Homer and Marge. With Homer lacking a good job and not much money saved up, the couple had to do a quickie wedding at a small chapel and spent their first night as man and wife at Marge’s mother’s house. The series has enjoyed such longevity, that we’ve even witnessed multiple weddings for Homer and Marge, as well as the odd divorce mixed in there for good luck!

Jesse & Rebecca – Full House

If anyone else out in Sip Nation remembers Jesse and The Rippers big hit “Forever”, then your childhood was amazing. I’m willing to bet all you little sippers think I’ve lost my marbles again. Pretty hard to do that when I never had much of a collection (lost many a cat’s eye playing with the wicked Marbleworks set I had as a kid). Uncle Jesse finally settled down and quit his wild ways when he met and fell for Rebecca, Danny Tanner’s Wake Up San Francisco co-host. Jesse even had to jump out of a plane to make his ceremony on time… Oh, TGIF!

Drink #131: Wedding Cake Shot

1.5 oz Cupcake Vodka (Devil’s Food Flavour)
1.5 oz Frangelico
Garnish with Sugar-Coated Lemon Wedge

Certainly I’ve missed some great TV weddings. It seems nearly every single show to last a couple of seasons has featured a ceremony. Did I neglect your favourite nuptials? Give me hell for that egregious error!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes: (3 Sips out of 5):
I tried two different recipes for this shot. My second version consisted of Cupcake Vodka, Citrus Vodka, Limoncello, and Amaretto. In the end, I decided to present to you the more traditional recipe, rather than my own original idea. Either way, there ended up being quite a bit of liquor in each shot, so it turned into more of a sipper than a shooter and I’m not too sure whether I’m a fan of the Cupcake Vodka or not. Which recipe would you have preferred?

May 10 – Cherry Crepe

Posted on May 10, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Open Bar-athon

Tomorrow, the Sip Advisor will be attending a wedding ceremony aboard a cruise ship, which features a one-hour open bar reception. I know what you’re thinking… who in their right mind would invite this guy to an open bar function!? Talk about a doomed muster drill! Anyway, with only a small chunk of time to get your swerve on, here’s how to best spend your drinking:

Order high-end liquors only

Start by putting your blinders on so you can only see the top shelf liquors. Run of the mill spirits need not apply. Every cocktail you have made should include one of the following: Grey Goose or Ketel One (vodka), Don Julio or Patron (tequila), Hendrick’s or Bombay Sapphire (gin), Cruzan or Mount Gay (rum), Crown Royal (whiskey), Maker’s Mark or Wild Turkey (bourbon). You get the point. Don’t dabble in the Smirnoff’s and Bacardi’s of the world, despite their solid reputation.

Everything comes in doubles

You should never order a drink in this situation and not ask for a double shot of the alcohol. While you will be given strong drinks, that shouldn’t matter too much given the quality of the booze you’re asking for. Everything should go down easy and you won’t even notice how much you’re enjoying yourself.

Double fist your drinks

Line-ups to get your drinks may be long, so it’s best to act like you’re ordering for yourself and your lovely partner (as invisible as they may be) in order to save trips to the bar and wasted time without a drink in your hand. It should also be noted that you should time your lining up accordingly. If lines are stretching and you have half a drink left, it’s probably time to drag your butt back into the line.

Get a round of shots (or two or three)

Want to be the life of the party – and perhaps piss off the bar staff – order a round of shots for your group, no matter how big it may be. Fill that bar counter with baby glasses and then pass out the shooters to anyone within reaching distance. Then, make a little speech that no one will remember (preferably to a group of folks who don’t even know you) and slam that sweet sucker.

Drink straight hard stuff

If it’s available, order neat or on the rocks selections of high quality sipping alcohols. Scotch, Courvoisier, Remy Martin, Hennessey, etc. I like to make these drinks my last of a session, perhaps the one you grab right at the tail end of the hour so you have something you can go through at your own pace when the reception is over and the dreaded muster drill is fast approaching.

Get shit-faced and ride it through the night

A hardened veteran such as myself will need a little nip here and there to keep the buzz going, but if you’re not that experienced with liquor, you can probably have a small batch of drinks and be floating in the breeze most of the night. Just be careful of the inevitable crash. Check your levels frequently and top up if necessary.

Try a bunch of different stuff

If you’re into experiment (and who isn’t) go into the reception with a loose game plan of cocktails you’d like to try. Don’t waste other people’s time in the line-ups perusing the menu, but have an idea of two or three recipes you want to give a go. If you don’t like something, go and order another libation. Don’t drink a bad drink for the sake of finishing it. Note: If the open bar is being provided by a company or organization, this is an acceptable thing to do. If the bar is being provided by friends or family, you’re just running up their tab and that is not cool at all.

Get a bartender to fill up your flask

While this may be hard to achieve, my heart (and idea) is in the right place. If you strike up a good report with one of the booze jockeys, give this little tactic a shot. Most people probably wouldn’t feel too comfortable in doing so, so you can always resort to a strong last call drink to last you a little after the reception.

Drink #130: Cherry Crepe

1.5 oz Cherry Vodka (I used Grey Goose Cherry Noir)
1 oz Amaretto
Top with Cranberry Juice
Garnish with a Chocolate-Covered Cherry

So, if you follow my notes, you will likely be walking around the reception double fisting two doubled-up, top shelf alcohol drinks, with a chaser of shots on the way. What do you do about appetizers, you ask? Sorry, my little sippers, not my field of expertise!

And don’t ask me what you may be doing after the reception, because unless you don’t get hangovers like me, it may not be a pretty picture! For hangover advice, check out my recent post.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
I really like the Grey Goose Cherry Noir Vodka, one of my top shelf spirits. I thought the recipe worked really well together, of course highlighted by the Vodka, which has an almost sour note. Garnish that baby with a yummy Chocolate-Covered Cherry and all’s well that ends well!

May 9 – Kryptonite

Posted on May 9, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Kryptonite Crunch

The definition of kryptonite (aside from being a very potent strain of marijuana) is something or someone that makes you weak, powerless, and can even kill you. The concept, of course, comes from the Superman franchise, as the Man of Steel is practically invincible, unless he comes into contact with kryptonite from his home planet of Krypton. Wow, I really nerded out there… and I don’t even like Superman in any way, shape, or form. Here is a shortlist of my kryptonites:

Non-Alcoholic Beer/Mocktails

This would probably kill me. I just don’t get the concept, especially in the case of beer. While some mocktails might still be palatable because of the drink’s ingredients, beer is an acquired taste, so why would you waste your time with the non-alcoholic variety? None of the really good tasting beer flavours are made in the 0.5% form, only plain, ordinary and non-delicious beer types.

Safety Drills

I’m pretty sure these will inevitably kill me. While I understand the logic behind these instructional processes, all they do for me is to encourage me to misbehave and to engage in risky actions. I’m a curious person (also naughty by nature) and when I’m told what will happen in the case of an emergency, I want to test these theories and hypotheses. It doesn’t matter whether it’s aboard an airplane or cruise ship, the term “this is not a drill” will likely be heard.

Streamers and Confetti

One of my biggest weaknesses. When streamers and confetti are shot through the air, I’m like a cat chasing a string. I’m completely mesmerized and fixated on the falling debris. I want to catch it all with my paws… er, hands… and put them in my mouth. Seriously, if I had my very own confetti gun, I’d be the happiest and laziest person in the known world. Either that, or like Eddie Murphy, I just want to party all the time!

Fresh-Baked Cookies

There’s just something about the scent of fresh-baked cookies that make me powerless. I don’t even need milk to become a ravenous zombie. I’m not picky, either. They can be chocolate chip, peanut butter, even oatmeal raisins… they all drive me crazy. Until I can get a couple dozen into my stomach I will not be able to think about anything else… not that there’s anything important going on upstairs, anyway.

Forced Reading

Another thing that would surely kill me. In my opinion, all reading is forced, but what I’m really talking about is when you have no other choice but to do some hardcore reviewing: contracts, textbooks, etc. When you’re the type of person who doesn’t read by choice, it’s even harder when the task arises and you’re rushed to do so. This is why I’m letting Mrs. Sip head up the education of any of our future little sippers.

Hyphenated Surnames

I’m pretty sure hyphenated surnames will eventually lead to the downfall of mankind (kryptonite of the masses). Before our wedding, Mrs. Sip and I had to discuss whether she was going to take my name or not. That’s when I discovered how much I don’t like hyphenated names, never giving it much thought before. Just imagine how long people’s last names will grow to be if two folks with hyphenated last names end up marrying and hyphenate their already hyphenated monikers. You’ll have a four-name long last name and it could snowball from there with later generations jumping to eight and 16 last names.

Drink #129: Kryptonite

Rim glass with Lime Powder
0.5 oz Rum
0.5 oz Tequila
0.5 oz Goldschlager
0.5 oz Jagermeister
Top with Lemon-Lime Kool-Aid

What is your kryptonite? What takes a member of Sip Nation and drives them to acts of stupidity, which they can’t even control. I’m very curious about this subject, partly because I don’t want to be the only person who has no willpower and partly because if I know everyone’s weakness, I can rule the world!

Sip Advisor’s Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
It was a bit of a flashback for me to be using Kool-Aid. One of the very first drinks I ever invented when I was younger and not boozing it up was mixing Kool-Aid and Cola, which I dubbed Kontaminated Kool-Aid. See, I always had mad mixology skills! I like today’s drink quite a bit. It’s probably my favourite Goldschlager cocktail to date and you get varying tastes of it and the Jagermeister. The green Kool-Aid is an interesting touch compared to other mixers with similar effects.

May 8 – McNuggetini

Posted on May 8, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

McHappy Day

While I don’t go there nearly as often as I did in a previous life, I still have a fondness for the “golden arches”! One of my favourite McDonald’s menu items of all time is the Big Xtra (or Big N’ Tasty for the American audience). This sandwich has vastly disappeared from most McDonald’s restaurants, but for some reason is available at all Wal-Mart McDonald’s outlets.

When I once worked conveniently across the street from a McDonald’s, I would occasionally walk a couple extra blocks to the nearby Wal-Mart to get my true menu item of choice. On a recent Wal-Mart shopping expedition, complete with Big X-tra indulgence, I got to thinking about McDonald’s mains and sides I’d love to see back on the menu.

Shaker Fries

Back when Mickey-D’s featured a limited-time “Taste of the Month” menu item, the shaker fries were introduced. The flavour options included sour crème and onion and barbecue. The gimmick was simple. You’d pour your carton of fries into a shaker bag, along with your seasoning of choice, give it a quick whirl and voila, flavoured fries. When Mrs. Sip and I were visiting New Zealand, we came across a McDonald’s that had these very fries and best of all, you were able to eat your meal inside a replica small plane!

Arch Deluxe

A precursor of sorts to the company’s current crop of “luxury” burger offerings, the Arch Deluxe featured a larger than normal beef patty, along with lettuce, tomato, onion, cheese, and optional bacon. Today, the chain offers Angus burgers in its place (in Canada, at least) and we have this innovator to thank for the progressive burger movement.

McPizza

Another McDonalds oddity that was actually pretty decent. I remember Papa Sip – never a huge fan of McDonalds food, except breakfast – would always order this menu item. McPizza was taken off the menu because it took the restaurants too long to make each order, thus not falling in line with the concept of fast food.

McDonaldland Cookies

A very memorable childhood treat and featured in a little cardboard box, the McDonaldland chocolate chip cookies existed in a time where we didn’t force kids to have a side of apple slices with their cheeseburger because they don’t know what it’s like to go outside and exercise. Sadly, these cookies have been extinct for some time now. I wonder if anyone is selling a pack on EBay or something.

Orange Drink

This stuff was totally radical! It was like that Super Socco juice box, except watered down to extreme levels. If I could get my hands on this substance today, first I’d also ask to take a tour of the McDonalds facility (do you remember when they used to do that at birthday parties?) and play in the ball pit, before heading home and coming up with some drink ideas for the sweet nectar.

Deli Sandwiches

These subs were pretty good… not Subway good, but not too shabby, either. The sandwiches were released at a time when McDonalds was trying to improve its image as a healthy choice in the fast food market and compete with restaurants like Quiznos and the aforementioned Subway. My choice among the lot was the Turkey BLT, which came with all the ingredients you’d expect from its name.

Meal Days

Mondays were Big Mac day, Tuesdays featured the Big Xtra, Wednesdays brought the McChicken to the yard and so on. The only meal day I didn’t much care for was Filet O’ Fish on Fridays, but cheap burgers each day of the week was pretty epic. Why they ever got rid of this promotion, which surely had to be successful, I’ll never know. At least it existed during my high school days. Ah, so many classes skipped to hang out at McDonalds, playing cards, and scoring cheap eats!

Drink #128: McNuggetini

Rim glass with Barbecue Sauce
1.5 oz Vodka (I used Pinnacle Chocolate Whipped)
Top with McDonald’s Chocolate Milkshake
Garnish with a Chicken McNugget

Such an awe-inspiring concoction! There are many McDonalds’ items that I have yet to try, as I constantly add to my “To Eat” list. This includes the McRib and McLobster sandwiches as well as McPoutine. Help me on my quest by donating to the ‘Make a Sip Foundation’. Seriously, though, go out and grab a menu item that provides money for charity on this, the happiest of all days, McHappy Day!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
Most people probably can’t wrap their heads around the Barbecue Sauce rim working with a Chocolate Milkshake, but I have to say that the sweet sauce was a nice compliment to the chocolate shake. Chocolate Whipped Vodka was also an excellent call, on my behalf.

May 7 – Caesar

Posted on May 7, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Well Hung

I never get hung over. Don’t get me wrong, I can feel a little off the day after a heavy drinking effort, but I do not display the normal symptoms of a hangover. Mrs. Sip and friends marvel over my invincibility against hangovers… or more accurately they get green with jealousy. Haters say that the dreaded morning after monster will catch up to me, but how can it ever sneak up on you when you have a perpetual buzz going!?

The Caesar (a Canadian original and menu staple), today’s libation du jour, is thought to be a steadfast hangover cure. Although this isn’t a proven fact, most drinkers would swear by it. Here are some other solutions to your throbbing headache, nausea, dehydration, and weakness – at least I’ve heard that’s what a hangover feels like:

Coffee

I don’t drink the stuff at the best of times, so I’m pretty sure it would make me sicker than I was before, if I tried it as a cure. According to some studies, drinking coffee may increase your alertness the morning after drinking, but it will also increase your dehydration. So, to sum up, I have once again proven that coffee and all its subsidiaries suck and should be stricken from the earth.

Aspirin, Gravol & Other Meds

I have been advised before to take an Aspirin before going to bed after drinking heavy. I laughed obnoxiously at the time and I’m still laughing today. Meds can actually be helpful to cure what ails you, though. Aspirin will relieve your headache and Gravol will settle your stomach. If you don’t have any pills lying around, Ginger Ale can also work wonders on the system. It makes a great mixer, to boot!

Fast Food

A morning run to McDonalds, Burger King, or any other fast food joint may not actually cure a hangover, but it’s a perfectly good reason to start the day right with a greasy meal! Then when you’re sitting on the couch all day feeling lethargic, you can blame your breakfast, rather than your hangover.

More Alcohol

This would be my favourite solution to a hangover, but apparently the “hair of the dog” approach will eventually make you feel worse, as you build toxins on top of already consumed poisons. The Caesar would fall into this category, with drinkers arguing that the blend of ingredients, and in particular the clamato juice (tomato juice if you’re making a Bloody Mary), is enough to jump start their body the day after getting smashed.

Exercise

Don’t get me wrong, I like a good workout, but after a night out, even when I don’t get hangovers, the thought of an early morning bike or weight lifting session makes me shiver. I like to start the day slowly after getting blotto. I’ll eventually hit the gym, but I’m in no rush whatsoever to get there. The only exercise I want the morning after painting the town red is a little cuddling, if you smell what I’m cookin’.

Sleep

The complete opposite of exercise, staying in bed is a little more up my alley. Sleeping one off is as literal a hangover cure as you can find. A true warrior, though, doesn’t save his drinking for the weekends. Yes, us man-among-men types can hit the bottle with a fire so strong that it’s mesmerizing and still wake up early the next day, hop out of bed and be a stud at work. That’s when you know you’re a legend… or an alcoholic, whateves.

Bacon

My good friend and future best man (you should always be planning ahead), bacon, has actually been recently proven to help make people feel better after they’ve hit the bottle too hard. Specifically a bacon sandwich can do the trick, thanks to the carbs in bread and the protein in bacon. Both these substances provide the body with essential amino acids which will help with recovery. Is there anything bacon can’t do!?

Water/Sports Drinks

If I’m not having an alcoholic bevvy and you see the Sip Advisor with a drink in my hand, it’s likely going to be water. I drink so much water every day, I figure that’s why I never get a hangover. Oddly, I don’t drink much water during a hardcore boozing session, but I have friends who swear by doing a 1-1 or 2-1 ratio of alcohol to water or sports drink (Gatorade, Powerade) beverages. I’ve never been a mathematician, so that just seems like too much work to me.

Drink #127: Caesar

Rim glass with Celery Salt
1.5 oz Vodka (I used Bakon Vodka)
Top with Clamato Juice
Pinch of Salt
Pinch of Pepper
Dash of Hot Sauce
Dash of Worcestershire Sauce
Dash of Horseradish
Garnish with Celery Stalk, Pickled Skewer, Spicy Bean, and Lime Wedge

Apparently, there are actually hangover pills. Personally, I wouldn’t give them much stock. Why waste your money on something that probably doesn’t even work, when you all you apparently really need is bacon and water? If you hate me because I don’t get hangovers, let me know. The best insults you can hurl my way may appear in a future post!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
I’ve always been a fair-weather friend of the Caesar. I neither love it, nor hate it. However, now I’m a fan as apparently I just had to make one for myself. This eco-system of a drink was delicious. It was salty, spicy, savoury, and flavourful, all at the same time. A cocktail that was wonderfully enjoyed on a beautiful day!

May 6 – Spiritual Enlightenment

Posted on May 6, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Spiritually Speaking

Once you read through my list of spirit guides – those that I dub the Sinister Seven – you may notice some themes and common threads. This is what makes the Sip Advisor the man he is today: a Canadian icon and treasure!

Master Shake – Aqua Teen Hunger Force

The only thing Master Shake cares about is having fun. Sadly, the anthropomorphised drink container doesn’t have the necessary funds to accomplish most of his desires and thus has to settle for pleasures within his means, like swimming in neighbor Carl’s filthy pool. His lack of riches doesn’t stop him from arrogantly boasting about various skills he thinks he possesses, so you gotta give him props for believing in himself.
When to summon: When it’s party time, obviously!

Jeff Winger – Community

Mr. Winger was able to fake an entire law career for years, until he was busted by a competing colleague. As the husband of a lawyer, I know that this surely was no easy task and full credit has to be given to someone who exuded so much confidence and intelligence to pull the rouse off.
When to summon: In situations when massive amounts of swagger will put you over the edge.

Roger Smith – American Dad

Roger is a self-described “advanced drinker” and as all you little sippers have learned over our past few months together, no moniker has ever fit this Sip Advisor better than that. While I’ll leave the disguises and alter egos to my alien friend, I do like Roger’s penchant for stirring the pot and getting into (and out of) sticky situations. Might as well have some fun while we’re here on earth!
When to summon: Anytime liquor is being cracked open for mass consumption.

Sterling Archer – Archer

Your Sip Advisor may not be a secret agent, but he does share many traits with one of the best in the business. First and foremost, our complete and utter misunderstanding of “core concepts” has bonded us for eternity. Next comes our love, appreciation, and total devotion to sweet lady liquor. Archer is afraid to quit drinking cold turkey because of the massive hangover he feels has accumulated and is now pending should he ever quit. I’ve never been able to put those same thoughts into words before.
When to summon: When the skills and touch of a secret agent are necessary, like bedding numerous females in a single mission.

Zack Morris – Saved by the Bell

Zack had all the right moves to accomplish everything from ditching detention to winning the heart of Kelly Kapowski. Usually with the help of friend and resident nerd Screech, Zack got up to so much mischief during his formative years that the principal’s office was a second home to him.
When to summon: In any situation that harkens back to your days as a teenager and high school student… or at least any time your cell phone is as big as your forearm.

Daniel Tosh – Tosh.0

No topic is off limits for Daniel Tosh and he isn’t concerned whether or not he’s crossing a line and offending anyone. People nowadays can be way too cautious, afraid anything they say or do may set off a cluster bomb of hysteria and backlash against them. The safe and easier road more travelled is not for this comedian.
When to summon: In moments where freedom of speech is the only right you really have left anymore.

Bucky Katt – Get Fuzzy

Bucky is always scheming and thinking up his next big idea and opportunity to grift his roommates – human Rob Wilco and dog Satchel Pooch – out of some cash. He has tried everything from a line of clothing, to merging two popular products together into one, to even writing his own poetry. That’s a pretty good resume for someone that sleeps 20 hours each day.
When to summon: When the entrepreneurial spirit hits you and you feel like hitting back… or when you feel that you just need a good nap.

Drink #126: Spiritual Enlightenment

1 oz Crème de Cacao
1 oz Peppermint Schnapps
1 oz Grand Marnier
Garnish with Spearmint Life-Saver

Who do you, my little sippers, summon when you are in need of a spirit check? If anyone takes the time to summon me, just please know that I am not available between the hours of 12:01am-11:59pm… that’s my time. I am available on a per crisis basis right around midnight each night, so please feel free to hit me up if you are in need!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (2.5 Sips out of 5):
This cocktail restored my faith in Crème de Menthe, as this drink wasn’t half bad… it wasn’t half good either, so I settled at a 2.5. Mrs. Sip thought it tasted like an After Eight chocolate and would have rated it a bit higher but I felt that the Grand Marnier is completely wasted in this drink. Plus, if the cocktail’s creator had been a clever, it would have been called Spiritual EnlightenMINT instead!

May 5 – Laugh-A-Minute

Posted on May 5, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Laugh Your Ass Off

It’s World Laughter Day and Cinco de Mayo – two great reasons to celebrate! Today seems like a good time to discuss my favourite comedians. These guys have been making me laugh for years and deserve all the praise I can give them.

Christopher Titus

There is only one word to describe Christopher Titus: deranged… well, that or genius! Both really do fit and form the basis of his comedic style. Titus largely uses his own personal experiences in his act: growing up with a strict, alcoholic single father and split family; bad relationships throughout his adulthood; and the notion that in today’s society, to be dysfunctional is normal and the majority.

Lewis Black

The Daily Show correspondent and ranter extraordinaire, Lewis Black, is as funny as he is gruff. His wildness seems to go against the grain of being dressed in a suit and tie, but he makes it all work. There is a nervous energy to Black’s act that keep you totally invested in what he’s saying and trying to figure out which direction he’ll head in next.

Ron White

I love Ron White’s style. He spends most of his set chain smoking and drinking what appears to be scotch or whiskey. After that, ‘Tater Salad’s’ comedy is pretty damn good, too. He is my favourite member of the Blue Collar troupe and his dry, southern style will have you rolling with laughter. He has definitely had some wild times and the stories of his various arrests are a highlight of his act.

Carrot Top

As I’ve written before, Carrot Top’s energy during his performance is astonishing. I’m not sure how many energy drinks he has to down to get to that level, but I appreciate his efforts (and sacrifice). Prop comedy is sometimes frowned upon by purists, but Carrot Top deserves a ton of credit for constantly adapting his act and finding new materials to suit his needs.

Russell Peters

Throwing some Canadian content on the list (although I maintain that we are one of the funniest country’s in the world and have an amazing profile of talented comedians), Russell Peters has turned his “rip on my dad” act into a worldwide sensation. Somebody’s gonna get a hurt!

Emo Philips

The bizarre style of Emo Philips’ comedy isn’t for everyone. Just when you think his joke is going in one direction, Philips completely psyches you out and turns the entire joke upside down. With his odd sense of humor, he can seem quite loveable… just beware of his wild side.

Daniel Tosh

There is no subject that Daniel Tosh won’t rip on. He’s been accused of being racist, sexist, misogynistic, you name it. The only thing I’ve ever indicted him for is being hilarious. When not touring North America, performing his stand-up material, you can see Tosh hosting his Comedy Central smash hit Tosh.0, where he lampoons online videos and social media sites, such as Facebook and Twitter.

Drink #125: Laugh-A-Minute

1 oz Cherry Vodka (I used Grey Goose Cherry Noir)
1 oz Sweet Vermouth
0.5 oz Amaretto
Top with Lemonade
Garnish with Lemon Wedge and Maraschino Cherry

Amazingly (and feeling truly blessed), I’ve been able to see each of these performers live in various parts of North America. Some comics on my “must see” list include Steven Wright, Patton Oswalt, Dave Chappelle, and Louis C.K.

This blog post does not feature comedians who have gone to the great stage in the sky, like George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Rodney Dangerfield, Mitch Hedberg, and Greg Giraldo.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
You’re always doubtful about the varying quality of liquors until you have something as special as Grey Goose Vodka. The Cherry Noir variety was delicious, with almost a hint sour cherry flavour. Throw in Amaretto and you have one of my longtime preferred spirits being paired with one of my new loves.

May 4 – A.S.S.

Posted on May 4, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Face Pas

They all get on our nerves, but sometimes we don’t have the fortitude to call out our so-called friends of “The Book of Face” and say something about their online behaviour. That is, until your faithful Sip Advisor takes the ball and decides to blow the internet up. Let’s see how many Facebook friends I lose (probably for the better) after this post! Without further ado, the Top 10 Worst “Face Pas”:

1) Vague-Booking

We all have those Facebook friends who write cryptic statuses, just begging for people’s attention to ask for more details. You know the person who writes statuses such as: “Can’t believe this happened to me!” or “Just received the best, most awesomeness, news EVER!” The worst is when these mundane, vague-book statuses actually snag a fish and the person still doesn’t divulge the story behind the status. Be upfront; tell us what’s really going on in your life… or don’t. It’s probably pretty boring anyways. Don’t share, but not share… that’s such a waste of both of our time.

2) Excessive Countdowns

You want to tell us that you leave for vacation in a week, that’s cool. You want to tell us that it’s six months, five days, two hours, and three minutes until you get married and then remind us every single day from that point until your wedding… I hope your fiancé leaves you.

3) Weather Updates

Readers are well familiar with my contempt for weather analysts so I just love it when someone on Facebook wants to not only tell me about the conditions I can see by opening my own window, but also their personal feelings on it. You don’t even have the excuse that you get paid to provide this information, but please continue to feel the need to tell the world that it’s raining and that it makes you really, really sad.

4) Liking Everything

I know people out there want to show their support for family and friends, but if you like absolutely everything, it kind of weakens the power of your likes. People should have limits on their daily likes and then you’d really have to think about things before you clicked the thumbs up. Even if that were the case, I would still go around liking my own statuses before anyone else’s.

5) TMI

You got another yeast infection… um, yay? Here’s an idea: tell a doctor, instead of the entire online world.

6) I’m Sick 😦

In a similar vein, I’m tired of people who go onto Facebook just to let the world know that they have a serious case of the sniffles, unless you can do it in a way that is clever and will entertain me. If you’re not feeling that well, get some rest. Don’t waste your time facestalking the random people you haven’t seen since high school and fishing for sympathy.

7) Fake Relationship Updates

I’m really not a fan of the people out there that change their Facebook relationship status just to get a rise out of their friends and family or even their partner. I’ve had three relationship statuses throughout my six years as a member of the site. “In a relationship with,” “Engaged to,” and “Married to.” Granted, I’m one of the lucky ones, but if you’re not married, don’t act like you are, and if you are in a relationship, don’t act like you aren’t. If you’re still together, why change your status to “It’s complicated”? You only inspire other losers to follow suit.

8) RSVPs

This one is really quite simple. If someone is inviting you to something via Facebook, have the respect to say, one way or the other, whether you will be attending or not, especially when it’s a smaller event. If you can’t be bothered to take the 3 seconds to RSVP, then don’t expect your host to take the hours to shop, prep, and accommodate you when you later show up unannounced to said event. Also I can’t help but notice that the people who often do not state whether they are attending or not attending, are the type who never host events themselves.

9) Self-Taken Photos

This one is really simple: if there’s no one around to take the photo for you, it’s probably a photo that doesn’t need to be taken. Selfies in mirrors of baby bumps are the worst violators of this. Every time I see one, I always just assume that the person is either a single mom or her partner just doesn’t care enough about the growing alien inside her to take 5 seconds to snap a decent photo.

This brotha’s got some game! What’s with the shower cap and shades, though?

10) Odd Facebook Names

I can understand when people make small tweaks to their given name for privacy purposes, but if you completely invent a new name for yourself, how is anybody supposed to know who you are? I can’t count the number of times someone has popped up in my feed and I’ve had to question who that person is. It usually drives me to want to drop the person from my friend list.

And finally, the absolute worst Facebook infraction known to mankind is…

Constantly advertising your blog! Thank you and goodnight… I’m here all week!

Drink #124: A.S.S.

0.5 oz Amaretto
0.5 oz Southern Comfort
0.5 oz Sweet and Sour Mix

One last note, you should also be careful with who you delete from your Facebook account. Relative strangers? Sure, go ahead and axe them. Deleting your entire set of in-laws when you’ll be stuck with them for a cruise ship wedding (and the rest of your married life), one month before said ceremony… probably not the best idea, but this world run amuck with idiots!

Did I forget something? Let me know!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
This shot combines three of my favourite ingredients and goes down super easy. You could go through a lot of these in a night and you might not even get that trashed… perfect for entertaining!

May 3 – Sidecar

Posted on May 3, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Sidekicking

The Sip Advisor has gone through numerous sidekicks over the years. I don’t have a good safety track-record with my associates and therefore find it hard to reel in replacements. Perhaps these guys and gals are looking for work. If so, please submit your resumes and head shots (females only) to Sip Advisor Headquarters, PO Box 84148. Best of luck to those applying!

Robin – Batman

Batman can get a lot of crazy stuff done on his own, but add in Robin and you have quite the dynamic duo. The ‘Boy Wonder’ is the quintessential sidekick. He knows his role as the number two and doesn’t overstep the boundaries of his part… except for his constant “holy, [insert something to do with their current predicament], Batman” musings.

Dr. Watson – Sherlock Holmes

Without Dr. Watson around, surely Sherlock Holmes would go insane under the weight of his own superior intelligence. Watson is the calming force that helps Sherlock work his way through mysteries and there’s the odd time where the good doctor’s problem solving ability is crucial in cracking a case. Mmmm, cracking a case… right, we’re not talking about beer.

Barney Fife – Andy Taylor

While Sheriff Andy Taylor was the straight man and level-headed leader of the Mayberry Police Department, his counterpart, Deputy Barney Fife was his inept, hapless partner. Together, they made a good pairing that kept the town safe and orderly, although Fife usually needed Taylor’s help to keep him safe from himself.

Dale Gribble – Hank Hill

While Dale is the kind of sidekick that causes more issues than he solves, he certainly keeps things interesting for best friend Hank. Dale’s paranoia has frequently got the best of him and one has to wonder if his career as a pest removal specialist – and all those toxic chemicals – isn’t to blame for some of his delusions. Hank has to reel his friend in from time to time, which is easy for the serious leader.

Milhouse Van Houten – Bart Simpson

And everything’s coming up Milhouse! It’s hard to tell sometimes if Milhouse is friends with Bart because he likes Bart or if he just wants to remain closer to his crush and Bart’s sister, Lisa. If there isn’t some degree of friendship between the two boys, then Milhouse has gone through a lot just for his unrequited love. Bart has caused him to get into a great deal of trouble, and when pressed as to why he’s friends with Milhouse, Bart struggles to answer, saying it is largely due to “geographic convenience”.

Barney Rubble – Fred Flintstone

Fred’s little buddy Barney is always up for Fred’s shenanigans and despite warning him of what the end results could be, Barney often goes along with the scheme. The two pals are both members of the Loyal Order of Water Buffalos and even work together at the Slate Rock and Gravel Company quarry. That’s a lot of time to spend with one person, but if it works for them, who am I to judge?

Mini-Me – Dr. Evil

The pint-sized clone of Dr. Evil may be small in stature, but he’s just as wicked as his “daddy”. Mini-Me also has the advantage of being at a perfect level for biting adversaries in the shin or delivering a devastating low blow. You can never stay too mad at the little guy, though, because he has such a sweet grin… even if it is hiding his evil side.

Diddy Kong – Donkey Kong

These two primates play off of each other so well that they have been able to keep Donkey Kong Country safe from evil crocodiles and slithering snakes on multiple occasions. Donkey Kong played the role of mentor to his young protégé Diddy, as they bashed their way over all the baddies who meant them harm. Diddy (no relation to Puff Daddy) even branched out and took the lead in his own game, letting Donkey enjoy a comfortable retirement in his banana horde. He hasn’t been seen in years!

Dwight Schrute – Michael Scott

In his constant pursuit of a management position at the Dunder-Mifflin paper company, Dwight Schrute idolizes manager Michael Scott, even if his treatment at the hands of his boss isn’t always the kindest. Dwight is often placed into the role of Assistant to the Regional Manager, which he claims means Assistant Regional Manager. Meanwhile, he’s stuck doing Michael’s laundry and other menial tasks, while others are promoted ahead of him.

Drink #123: Sidecar

1.5 oz Brandy (I used Meagher’s Apricot Brandy)
1.5 oz Cointreau
Splash of Lemon Juice
Garnish with an Orange Slice

When I was younger, Broski Sip was my sidekick and partner in crime. He’s since moved onto other endeavors, while I continue to pursue worldwide awesomeness. Mrs. Sip was offered his spot, but she declined, wanting to live a long life. So, I ask, who has the intestinal fortitude to join me in this pursuit? You will never regret it!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I’m learning quickly that I really enjoy Apricot Brandy. It very nicely accentuates the already delicious Triple Sec. The cocktail, as a whole, was good and an optional sugar rim could have been added for those who want an even sweeter taste.