August 21 – Village Idiot

Dumb and Dumber

Yesterday we had a look at some of the stupid things I’ve done over my many awesome years. Did you really think that was it, though? There are so many other wild tales of great idiocy in my archives. Here are a few more select stories!

One More for the Road

Well before I became the seasoned drinker you see before you today, I was still learning the ropes of the liquor game and picking up experience points where I could. At a party very early in my drinkdom, shortly after high school graduation, I was having a great time catching up with folks I hadn’t seen since our days of set school schedules and also meeting some newbies to the Sip Advisor’s world.

Before I knew it, I was 10 beers deep. With the party still in full swing, I was sad to discover that my stock had been completely depleted. I was now regretting giving out the couple brews I had gifted to others for past offerings bestowed upon me. For shame, Sip Advisor… but it gets worse. In my bag of goodies was one Mike’s Hard Lemonade – the popular drink of my graduation summer. Why I brought it with me, I don’t know. Perhaps the devil slipped it in my bag for its own amusement.

Mikes Lemonade

Without much thought, I cracked the can open, took a big swig, and immediately felt it not sitting very well. Being young and dumb as I was, I finished the beverage and decided to make my way home. What was usually only a ten minute walk home took me nearly double, as I was forced to stop frequently to get sick on some poor stranger’s lawn. I eventually made it home to get sick once more in my room, before passing out. Lesson learned, my little sippers: beer before liquor, never been sicker… liquor before beer, you’re in the clear!

Wax-on, Wax-off

For years following Mrs. Sip and I becoming an item, I had complained about not liking my chest hair and wanting to have it removed. Mrs. Sip must have finally hit her breaking point because one night, she showed up at my place with a waxing kit and said the time had finally come to put up or shut up. So, there we stood, in the bathroom, Mrs. Sip warming and dripping hot wax over my body, as Broski Sip snickered and filmed the incident for prosperity purposes (or at least that’s what they told me!).

Finally, it was time. RIP! Mrs. Sip pulled away the first patch and left in its place was a bald patch of skin. I was surprised that the whole process didn’t really hurt that much. So, we continued and in no time we were finished and I had a nice smooth chest. End of story, right!? Not so fast. Within minutes my chest was covered in all these tiny red little bumps that never really went away until the hair started growing back. A man just can’t catch a break!

chest waxing

Cruise Ship Quarantine

Back in early May, I wrote an article about how to enjoy an open bar. Let’s just say I wrote that post a little too well. You see, my aunt was getting married aboard a cruise ship and the wedding package featured a one-hour open bar with little appies and such. With only an hour to drink like kings, a game plan was needed and I captained that ship straight into the rocky cliffs.

Video and photo evidence from the event shows me with two drinks in hand for nearly every appearance. We also lined up at least 10 rounds of shots to go with the double fisting of doubled drinks. I can throw down pretty good in the game we call alcohol, but my biggest mistake that day was building all that booze on top of nothing. I hadn’t eaten that morning (not a huge surprise, as I’m not really a breakfast guy) and still hadn’t touched anything edible by the time the wedding ceremony was over around 2pm.

I guess it could have been worse!

I guess it could have been worse!

Largely on my advice (and coercion) three of us ended up getting quarantined, while a couple others were incapacitated for much of the trip. Worst of all, we were banished to our rooms because those of us who got sick did so in front of ship staff and we were forced to miss much of the post-wedding celebration. Let’s just sum up by saying that it was far from my finest moment, but I can still provide a lesson of sort to all you little sippers to keep yourself on track and only lose your cookies in the privacy of your stateroom!

Drink #233: Village Idiot

Village Idiot Martini

  • 1 oz Gin (I used Bombay Sapphire)
  • 1 oz Vodka
  • Top with Lemonade
  • Dash of Lime Juice
  • Garnish with Lemon and Lime Slices

Again, I implore you to share your stories of stupidity. I’m starting to feel a little lonely here, sharing all my goof ups and not hearing any of yours. Let’s make this a give-take idiot relationship!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (5 Sips out of 5):
If you make one of these, you’ll be far from a village idiot, you’ll be a genius. It’s so refreshing and tasty, crisp and clean. The recipe is pretty simple, so I spiced it up a bit with top shelf liquors Grey Goose Cherry Noir Vodka and Bombay Sapphire Gin. Everything worked well together and left me thirsting for more!

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May 10 – Cherry Crepe

Open Bar-athon

Tomorrow, the Sip Advisor will be attending a wedding ceremony aboard a cruise ship, which features a one-hour open bar reception. I know what you’re thinking… who in their right mind would invite this guy to an open bar function!? Talk about a doomed muster drill! Anyway, with only a small chunk of time to get your swerve on, here’s how to best spend your drinking:

open-bar-wedding

Order high-end liquors only

Start by putting your blinders on so you can only see the top shelf liquors. Run of the mill spirits need not apply. Every cocktail you have made should include one of the following: Grey Goose or Ketel One (vodka), Don Julio or Patron (tequila), Hendrick’s or Bombay Sapphire (gin), Cruzan or Mount Gay (rum), Crown Royal (whiskey), Maker’s Mark or Wild Turkey (bourbon). You get the point. Don’t dabble in the Smirnoff’s and Bacardi’s of the world, despite their solid reputation.

Everything comes in doubles

You should never order a drink in this situation and not ask for a double shot of the alcohol. While you will be given strong drinks, that shouldn’t matter too much given the quality of the booze you’re asking for. Everything should go down easy and you won’t even notice how much you’re enjoying yourself.

Double fist your drinks

Line-ups to get your drinks may be long, so it’s best to act like you’re ordering for yourself and your lovely partner (as invisible as they may be) in order to save trips to the bar and wasted time without a drink in your hand. It should also be noted that you should time your lining up accordingly. If lines are stretching and you have half a drink left, it’s probably time to drag your butt back into the line.

open bar dangerous

Get a round of shots (or two or three)

Want to be the life of the party – and perhaps piss off the bar staff – order a round of shots for your group, no matter how big it may be. Fill that bar counter with baby glasses and then pass out the shooters to anyone within reaching distance. Then, make a little speech that no one will remember (preferably to a group of folks who don’t even know you) and slam that sweet sucker.

Drink straight hard stuff

If it’s available, order neat or on the rocks selections of high quality sipping alcohols. Scotch, Courvoisier, Remy Martin, Hennessey, etc. I like to make these drinks my last of a session, perhaps the one you grab right at the tail end of the hour so you have something you can go through at your own pace when the reception is over and the dreaded muster drill is fast approaching.

Get shit-faced and ride it through the night

A hardened veteran such as myself will need a little nip here and there to keep the buzz going, but if you’re not that experienced with liquor, you can probably have a small batch of drinks and be floating in the breeze most of the night. Just be careful of the inevitable crash. Check your levels frequently and top up if necessary.

open bar control

Try a bunch of different stuff

If you’re into experiment (and who isn’t) go into the reception with a loose game plan of cocktails you’d like to try. Don’t waste other people’s time in the line-ups perusing the menu, but have an idea of two or three recipes you want to give a go. If you don’t like something, go and order another libation. Don’t drink a bad drink for the sake of finishing it. Note: If the open bar is being provided by a company or organization, this is an acceptable thing to do. If the bar is being provided by friends or family, you’re just running up their tab and that is not cool at all.

Get a bartender to fill up your flask

While this may be hard to achieve, my heart (and idea) is in the right place. If you strike up a good report with one of the booze jockeys, give this little tactic a shot. Most people probably wouldn’t feel too comfortable in doing so, so you can always resort to a strong last call drink to last you a little after the reception.

Drink #130: Cherry Crepe

Cherry Crepe Cocktail

  • 1.5 oz Cherry Vodka (I used Grey Goose Cherry Noir)
  • 1 oz Amaretto
  • Top with Cranberry Juice
  • Garnish with a Chocolate-Covered Cherry

So, if you follow my notes, you will likely be walking around the reception double fisting two doubled-up, top shelf alcohol drinks, with a chaser of shots on the way. What do you do about appetizers, you ask? Sorry, my little sippers, not my field of expertise!

And don’t ask me what you may be doing after the reception, because unless you don’t get hangovers like me, it may not be a pretty picture! For hangover advice, check out my recent post.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
I really like the Grey Goose Cherry Noir Vodka, one of my top shelf spirits. I thought the recipe worked really well together, of course highlighted by the Vodka, which has an almost sour note. Garnish that baby with a yummy Chocolate-Covered Cherry and all’s well that ends well!