May 13 – Lazy Afternoon

Posted on May 13, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Late Adopters

I like to think that I’m pretty with it when it comes to good TV shows and I usually find series’ before the mass audience tunes in. Broski Sip and I watched Arrested Development from day one, years before most people realized it was the cleverest show on television. I was with Family Guy all the way through its cancellation and resurrection. Here are a few shows that slipped through the cracks of my amazing radar, but have since been picked up by Mrs. Sip and myself.

Archer

On a night staying over at Ma and Pa Sip’s place (they have more channels than I do), Mrs. Sip and I saw Archer for the first time and were immediately hooked. In only a few weeks we’ve gone through the first four seasons of the animated comedy and have loved every minute of it. The wacky ISIS spy agency and their adventures are full of so many goodies and I hope this show continues on for many years to come.

Firefly

Unfortunately, Mrs. Sip and I learned of this wonderful show well after it had already been cancelled. A western-space crossover initially just didn’t appeal in the slightest. We did get on board with it shortly after though, and well before its feature film Serenity was released. Ultimately, there’s just something about the sci-fi-western mix that works, the writing is fun, story lines witty, and all of the characters are likeable in their own special ways.

Community

We started watching Community when it had already finished its second season. I had seen brief commercials for the comedy, but for some reason never really felt the need to give it a chance. Finally, after hearing some buzz about it, Mrs. Sip and I checked it out and were far from disappointed. Sadly, the show seems to be coming to an end, as not enough viewers like me caught on to how original and creative it actually was until it was too late.

Parks and Recreation

I actually watched the premiere episode of this series and didn’t really enjoy it the first time around. Years later, I gave it another chance and after working through a decent first season, absolutely fell in love with the characters in its second campaign. You know you have a good show in front of you when you try to pick your favourite character and you keep wanting to change your selection

Rome

Rome was one of the first HBO series that Mrs. Sip and I ever watched and it hooked us to the channel and its programming for life. The show had already rushed its two season run to cram in as much Roman history as possible, but the epic was still masterfully done, with wonderful settings, and complex characters you could really appreciate.

Flight of the Conchords

Mrs. Sip and I started watching Flight of the Conchords after the show had already finished production and we quickly fell in love with the quirky New Zealanders. The songs the guys perform are actually pretty catchy – “Business Time” and “Too Many Dicks on the Dance Floor” being among my favourites – and while the humour is a little dry, it’s an acquired taste worth acquiring.

The jail house drama is quite the crazy series to undertake. I had watched the odd episode here and there many years before we finally started the show from the beginning. It’s funny to root for some real despicable characters, but you find yourself doing just that. I won’t spoil any plot points, but for the last couple years, Mrs. Sip and I have only had four episodes left to watch but can’t bring ourselves to finish the series, afraid of what might happen to one character in particular.

Drink #133: Lazy Afternoon

1 oz Whiskey
1 oz Peach Schnapps
0.5 oz Cherry Liqueur
Top with Pineapple Juice
Garnish with Cherry Blaster Candies

Finding these gems of shows is like coming across found money in a seldom worn jacket. You usually end up with an already built library of great episodes to now go through and enjoy and you don’t have to wait each week for the next adventure.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I changed the Cherry Brandy part of this recipe to Cherry Liqueur. The drink was decent, but not a grand slam hit. For such a great cocktail name, I was hoping for better results.

May 12 – Mother Love

Posted on May 12, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Momma’s Boys

We all love our moms, but perhaps these guys hung around a little too long for extra seasoning. It’s funny how many classic characters (and it always seems to be sons) lived at home for way too long and can’t really function in the outside world on their own. On that note: Happy Mother’s Day!

Buster Bluth – Arrested Development

Perhaps the definition of Mamma’s boy, Buster Bluth’s personality is the result of being smothered by his mother for most of his life. As a result when Lucille Bluth wants Baby Buster to get on with his life, he’s stuck in a childlike state of uncertainty and confusion. Still, the guy manages to be sent off to the military and other misadventures as he tries to prove himself to the entire Bluth family… but mostly his mom.

Norman Bates – Psycho

This boy’s obsession with his mother went waaaaayyyy too far! I don’t like spoiling things, but I think we all know that Bates is revealed to be killing people at his family’s motel, while being dressed like his deceased mother. Creepy stuff, dude.

Cliff Clavin – Cheers

Cliff Clavin and his ma are known to have the occasional row, as Cliff looks to spread his wings and become a man. Too bad he’s already a middle age, postal carrier who spends a majority of his free time at the local watering hole. Hopefully Cliffy didn’t get his factually inaccurate trivial knowledge from his ma as well.

Principal Skinner – The Simpsons

Much like Cliff Claven and his mom, Seymour Skinner and his mother seem to always be at odds. Whether it’s over the bath pillow, Seymour having friends and dates over, or his professional aspirations, Agnes Skinner seems to want to control every aspect of her son’s life. This often results in an exasperated principal and some of their rows have even required police intervention.

Robert Barone – Everybody Loves Raymond

While his brother lives next door, raising a family with his wife, Robert is still stuck in his parents’ home, under the strict rule and care of his mother. His brother Ray is about the same level of momma’s boy as Robert is, but because Ray is out on his own (one whole house over from his parents) he often slips under the radar.

Hoyt Fortenberry – True Blood

Poor, poor Hoyt. His mother tries to control every little aspect of his life, from who he dates, to where he lives, and even what he wears. That’s a horrible situation to be in when you’ve constantly running from any manner of vampires, werewolves, shifters, fairies and other otherworldly beings.

Walt, Larry, Igner – Futurama

Being the sons of the confectionary icon “Mom” would be tough on any son. While she shows a sickeningly sweet appearance to the outside world, Mom is in fact a harsh, domineering, woman, who has high expectations for her offspring, while not letting them move too far away from the nest.

Joffrey Baratheon – Game of Thrones

Joffrey is trying to break out of his mother’s tall and beautiful shadow, despite all her efforts (and there’s been numerous “efforts”) to see her son sit on the iron throne.. under her careful guidance. Thanks to his unconventional upbringing, Joffrey is a little psychopath in the making and that will surely make the rest of the series very intriguing to watch unfold!

Howard Wolowitz – Big Bang Theory

That Howard didn’t dispose of his mother and her infuriating voice before finding a girl and moving out of the house is a miracle of modern science. Maybe that’s why the genius went into engineering in the first place!

Drink #132: Mother Love

1.5 oz Whiskey (I used Crown Royal)
0.5 oz Peppermint Schnapps
Garnish with three Junior Mints

This post is dedicated to my own Mama Sip and to all the lovely mothers out there in Sip Nation. Without you, none of us would be here and we thank you all for taking care of us!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
Given the proportions, you’d expect to only get a hint of peppermint schnapps, but that’s just not how the liquor rolls. I wouldn’t say it overwhelms, but it’s prevalent. I definitely suggest using a good whiskey with this drink, like I did.

May 10 – Cherry Crepe

Posted on May 10, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Open Bar-athon

Tomorrow, the Sip Advisor will be attending a wedding ceremony aboard a cruise ship, which features a one-hour open bar reception. I know what you’re thinking… who in their right mind would invite this guy to an open bar function!? Talk about a doomed muster drill! Anyway, with only a small chunk of time to get your swerve on, here’s how to best spend your drinking:

Order high-end liquors only

Start by putting your blinders on so you can only see the top shelf liquors. Run of the mill spirits need not apply. Every cocktail you have made should include one of the following: Grey Goose or Ketel One (vodka), Don Julio or Patron (tequila), Hendrick’s or Bombay Sapphire (gin), Cruzan or Mount Gay (rum), Crown Royal (whiskey), Maker’s Mark or Wild Turkey (bourbon). You get the point. Don’t dabble in the Smirnoff’s and Bacardi’s of the world, despite their solid reputation.

Everything comes in doubles

You should never order a drink in this situation and not ask for a double shot of the alcohol. While you will be given strong drinks, that shouldn’t matter too much given the quality of the booze you’re asking for. Everything should go down easy and you won’t even notice how much you’re enjoying yourself.

Double fist your drinks

Line-ups to get your drinks may be long, so it’s best to act like you’re ordering for yourself and your lovely partner (as invisible as they may be) in order to save trips to the bar and wasted time without a drink in your hand. It should also be noted that you should time your lining up accordingly. If lines are stretching and you have half a drink left, it’s probably time to drag your butt back into the line.

Get a round of shots (or two or three)

Want to be the life of the party – and perhaps piss off the bar staff – order a round of shots for your group, no matter how big it may be. Fill that bar counter with baby glasses and then pass out the shooters to anyone within reaching distance. Then, make a little speech that no one will remember (preferably to a group of folks who don’t even know you) and slam that sweet sucker.

Drink straight hard stuff

If it’s available, order neat or on the rocks selections of high quality sipping alcohols. Scotch, Courvoisier, Remy Martin, Hennessey, etc. I like to make these drinks my last of a session, perhaps the one you grab right at the tail end of the hour so you have something you can go through at your own pace when the reception is over and the dreaded muster drill is fast approaching.

Get shit-faced and ride it through the night

A hardened veteran such as myself will need a little nip here and there to keep the buzz going, but if you’re not that experienced with liquor, you can probably have a small batch of drinks and be floating in the breeze most of the night. Just be careful of the inevitable crash. Check your levels frequently and top up if necessary.

Try a bunch of different stuff

If you’re into experiment (and who isn’t) go into the reception with a loose game plan of cocktails you’d like to try. Don’t waste other people’s time in the line-ups perusing the menu, but have an idea of two or three recipes you want to give a go. If you don’t like something, go and order another libation. Don’t drink a bad drink for the sake of finishing it. Note: If the open bar is being provided by a company or organization, this is an acceptable thing to do. If the bar is being provided by friends or family, you’re just running up their tab and that is not cool at all.

Get a bartender to fill up your flask

While this may be hard to achieve, my heart (and idea) is in the right place. If you strike up a good report with one of the booze jockeys, give this little tactic a shot. Most people probably wouldn’t feel too comfortable in doing so, so you can always resort to a strong last call drink to last you a little after the reception.

Drink #130: Cherry Crepe

1.5 oz Cherry Vodka (I used Grey Goose Cherry Noir)
1 oz Amaretto
Top with Cranberry Juice
Garnish with a Chocolate-Covered Cherry

So, if you follow my notes, you will likely be walking around the reception double fisting two doubled-up, top shelf alcohol drinks, with a chaser of shots on the way. What do you do about appetizers, you ask? Sorry, my little sippers, not my field of expertise!

And don’t ask me what you may be doing after the reception, because unless you don’t get hangovers like me, it may not be a pretty picture! For hangover advice, check out my recent post.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
I really like the Grey Goose Cherry Noir Vodka, one of my top shelf spirits. I thought the recipe worked really well together, of course highlighted by the Vodka, which has an almost sour note. Garnish that baby with a yummy Chocolate-Covered Cherry and all’s well that ends well!

May 9 – Kryptonite

Posted on May 9, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Kryptonite Crunch

The definition of kryptonite (aside from being a very potent strain of marijuana) is something or someone that makes you weak, powerless, and can even kill you. The concept, of course, comes from the Superman franchise, as the Man of Steel is practically invincible, unless he comes into contact with kryptonite from his home planet of Krypton. Wow, I really nerded out there… and I don’t even like Superman in any way, shape, or form. Here is a shortlist of my kryptonites:

Non-Alcoholic Beer/Mocktails

This would probably kill me. I just don’t get the concept, especially in the case of beer. While some mocktails might still be palatable because of the drink’s ingredients, beer is an acquired taste, so why would you waste your time with the non-alcoholic variety? None of the really good tasting beer flavours are made in the 0.5% form, only plain, ordinary and non-delicious beer types.

Safety Drills

I’m pretty sure these will inevitably kill me. While I understand the logic behind these instructional processes, all they do for me is to encourage me to misbehave and to engage in risky actions. I’m a curious person (also naughty by nature) and when I’m told what will happen in the case of an emergency, I want to test these theories and hypotheses. It doesn’t matter whether it’s aboard an airplane or cruise ship, the term “this is not a drill” will likely be heard.

Streamers and Confetti

One of my biggest weaknesses. When streamers and confetti are shot through the air, I’m like a cat chasing a string. I’m completely mesmerized and fixated on the falling debris. I want to catch it all with my paws… er, hands… and put them in my mouth. Seriously, if I had my very own confetti gun, I’d be the happiest and laziest person in the known world. Either that, or like Eddie Murphy, I just want to party all the time!

Fresh-Baked Cookies

There’s just something about the scent of fresh-baked cookies that make me powerless. I don’t even need milk to become a ravenous zombie. I’m not picky, either. They can be chocolate chip, peanut butter, even oatmeal raisins… they all drive me crazy. Until I can get a couple dozen into my stomach I will not be able to think about anything else… not that there’s anything important going on upstairs, anyway.

Forced Reading

Another thing that would surely kill me. In my opinion, all reading is forced, but what I’m really talking about is when you have no other choice but to do some hardcore reviewing: contracts, textbooks, etc. When you’re the type of person who doesn’t read by choice, it’s even harder when the task arises and you’re rushed to do so. This is why I’m letting Mrs. Sip head up the education of any of our future little sippers.

Hyphenated Surnames

I’m pretty sure hyphenated surnames will eventually lead to the downfall of mankind (kryptonite of the masses). Before our wedding, Mrs. Sip and I had to discuss whether she was going to take my name or not. That’s when I discovered how much I don’t like hyphenated names, never giving it much thought before. Just imagine how long people’s last names will grow to be if two folks with hyphenated last names end up marrying and hyphenate their already hyphenated monikers. You’ll have a four-name long last name and it could snowball from there with later generations jumping to eight and 16 last names.

Drink #129: Kryptonite

Rim glass with Lime Powder
0.5 oz Rum
0.5 oz Tequila
0.5 oz Goldschlager
0.5 oz Jagermeister
Top with Lemon-Lime Kool-Aid

What is your kryptonite? What takes a member of Sip Nation and drives them to acts of stupidity, which they can’t even control. I’m very curious about this subject, partly because I don’t want to be the only person who has no willpower and partly because if I know everyone’s weakness, I can rule the world!

Sip Advisor’s Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
It was a bit of a flashback for me to be using Kool-Aid. One of the very first drinks I ever invented when I was younger and not boozing it up was mixing Kool-Aid and Cola, which I dubbed Kontaminated Kool-Aid. See, I always had mad mixology skills! I like today’s drink quite a bit. It’s probably my favourite Goldschlager cocktail to date and you get varying tastes of it and the Jagermeister. The green Kool-Aid is an interesting touch compared to other mixers with similar effects.

May 7 – Caesar

Posted on May 7, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Well Hung

I never get hung over. Don’t get me wrong, I can feel a little off the day after a heavy drinking effort, but I do not display the normal symptoms of a hangover. Mrs. Sip and friends marvel over my invincibility against hangovers… or more accurately they get green with jealousy. Haters say that the dreaded morning after monster will catch up to me, but how can it ever sneak up on you when you have a perpetual buzz going!?

The Caesar (a Canadian original and menu staple), today’s libation du jour, is thought to be a steadfast hangover cure. Although this isn’t a proven fact, most drinkers would swear by it. Here are some other solutions to your throbbing headache, nausea, dehydration, and weakness – at least I’ve heard that’s what a hangover feels like:

Coffee

I don’t drink the stuff at the best of times, so I’m pretty sure it would make me sicker than I was before, if I tried it as a cure. According to some studies, drinking coffee may increase your alertness the morning after drinking, but it will also increase your dehydration. So, to sum up, I have once again proven that coffee and all its subsidiaries suck and should be stricken from the earth.

Aspirin, Gravol & Other Meds

I have been advised before to take an Aspirin before going to bed after drinking heavy. I laughed obnoxiously at the time and I’m still laughing today. Meds can actually be helpful to cure what ails you, though. Aspirin will relieve your headache and Gravol will settle your stomach. If you don’t have any pills lying around, Ginger Ale can also work wonders on the system. It makes a great mixer, to boot!

Fast Food

A morning run to McDonalds, Burger King, or any other fast food joint may not actually cure a hangover, but it’s a perfectly good reason to start the day right with a greasy meal! Then when you’re sitting on the couch all day feeling lethargic, you can blame your breakfast, rather than your hangover.

More Alcohol

This would be my favourite solution to a hangover, but apparently the “hair of the dog” approach will eventually make you feel worse, as you build toxins on top of already consumed poisons. The Caesar would fall into this category, with drinkers arguing that the blend of ingredients, and in particular the clamato juice (tomato juice if you’re making a Bloody Mary), is enough to jump start their body the day after getting smashed.

Exercise

Don’t get me wrong, I like a good workout, but after a night out, even when I don’t get hangovers, the thought of an early morning bike or weight lifting session makes me shiver. I like to start the day slowly after getting blotto. I’ll eventually hit the gym, but I’m in no rush whatsoever to get there. The only exercise I want the morning after painting the town red is a little cuddling, if you smell what I’m cookin’.

Sleep

The complete opposite of exercise, staying in bed is a little more up my alley. Sleeping one off is as literal a hangover cure as you can find. A true warrior, though, doesn’t save his drinking for the weekends. Yes, us man-among-men types can hit the bottle with a fire so strong that it’s mesmerizing and still wake up early the next day, hop out of bed and be a stud at work. That’s when you know you’re a legend… or an alcoholic, whateves.

Bacon

My good friend and future best man (you should always be planning ahead), bacon, has actually been recently proven to help make people feel better after they’ve hit the bottle too hard. Specifically a bacon sandwich can do the trick, thanks to the carbs in bread and the protein in bacon. Both these substances provide the body with essential amino acids which will help with recovery. Is there anything bacon can’t do!?

Water/Sports Drinks

If I’m not having an alcoholic bevvy and you see the Sip Advisor with a drink in my hand, it’s likely going to be water. I drink so much water every day, I figure that’s why I never get a hangover. Oddly, I don’t drink much water during a hardcore boozing session, but I have friends who swear by doing a 1-1 or 2-1 ratio of alcohol to water or sports drink (Gatorade, Powerade) beverages. I’ve never been a mathematician, so that just seems like too much work to me.

Drink #127: Caesar

Rim glass with Celery Salt
1.5 oz Vodka (I used Bakon Vodka)
Top with Clamato Juice
Pinch of Salt
Pinch of Pepper
Dash of Hot Sauce
Dash of Worcestershire Sauce
Dash of Horseradish
Garnish with Celery Stalk, Pickled Skewer, Spicy Bean, and Lime Wedge

Apparently, there are actually hangover pills. Personally, I wouldn’t give them much stock. Why waste your money on something that probably doesn’t even work, when you all you apparently really need is bacon and water? If you hate me because I don’t get hangovers, let me know. The best insults you can hurl my way may appear in a future post!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
I’ve always been a fair-weather friend of the Caesar. I neither love it, nor hate it. However, now I’m a fan as apparently I just had to make one for myself. This eco-system of a drink was delicious. It was salty, spicy, savoury, and flavourful, all at the same time. A cocktail that was wonderfully enjoyed on a beautiful day!

May 6 – Spiritual Enlightenment

Posted on May 6, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Spiritually Speaking

Once you read through my list of spirit guides – those that I dub the Sinister Seven – you may notice some themes and common threads. This is what makes the Sip Advisor the man he is today: a Canadian icon and treasure!

Master Shake – Aqua Teen Hunger Force

The only thing Master Shake cares about is having fun. Sadly, the anthropomorphised drink container doesn’t have the necessary funds to accomplish most of his desires and thus has to settle for pleasures within his means, like swimming in neighbor Carl’s filthy pool. His lack of riches doesn’t stop him from arrogantly boasting about various skills he thinks he possesses, so you gotta give him props for believing in himself.
When to summon: When it’s party time, obviously!

Jeff Winger – Community

Mr. Winger was able to fake an entire law career for years, until he was busted by a competing colleague. As the husband of a lawyer, I know that this surely was no easy task and full credit has to be given to someone who exuded so much confidence and intelligence to pull the rouse off.
When to summon: In situations when massive amounts of swagger will put you over the edge.

Roger Smith – American Dad

Roger is a self-described “advanced drinker” and as all you little sippers have learned over our past few months together, no moniker has ever fit this Sip Advisor better than that. While I’ll leave the disguises and alter egos to my alien friend, I do like Roger’s penchant for stirring the pot and getting into (and out of) sticky situations. Might as well have some fun while we’re here on earth!
When to summon: Anytime liquor is being cracked open for mass consumption.

Sterling Archer – Archer

Your Sip Advisor may not be a secret agent, but he does share many traits with one of the best in the business. First and foremost, our complete and utter misunderstanding of “core concepts” has bonded us for eternity. Next comes our love, appreciation, and total devotion to sweet lady liquor. Archer is afraid to quit drinking cold turkey because of the massive hangover he feels has accumulated and is now pending should he ever quit. I’ve never been able to put those same thoughts into words before.
When to summon: When the skills and touch of a secret agent are necessary, like bedding numerous females in a single mission.

Zack Morris – Saved by the Bell

Zack had all the right moves to accomplish everything from ditching detention to winning the heart of Kelly Kapowski. Usually with the help of friend and resident nerd Screech, Zack got up to so much mischief during his formative years that the principal’s office was a second home to him.
When to summon: In any situation that harkens back to your days as a teenager and high school student… or at least any time your cell phone is as big as your forearm.

Daniel Tosh – Tosh.0

No topic is off limits for Daniel Tosh and he isn’t concerned whether or not he’s crossing a line and offending anyone. People nowadays can be way too cautious, afraid anything they say or do may set off a cluster bomb of hysteria and backlash against them. The safe and easier road more travelled is not for this comedian.
When to summon: In moments where freedom of speech is the only right you really have left anymore.

Bucky Katt – Get Fuzzy

Bucky is always scheming and thinking up his next big idea and opportunity to grift his roommates – human Rob Wilco and dog Satchel Pooch – out of some cash. He has tried everything from a line of clothing, to merging two popular products together into one, to even writing his own poetry. That’s a pretty good resume for someone that sleeps 20 hours each day.
When to summon: When the entrepreneurial spirit hits you and you feel like hitting back… or when you feel that you just need a good nap.

Drink #126: Spiritual Enlightenment

1 oz Crème de Cacao
1 oz Peppermint Schnapps
1 oz Grand Marnier
Garnish with Spearmint Life-Saver

Who do you, my little sippers, summon when you are in need of a spirit check? If anyone takes the time to summon me, just please know that I am not available between the hours of 12:01am-11:59pm… that’s my time. I am available on a per crisis basis right around midnight each night, so please feel free to hit me up if you are in need!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (2.5 Sips out of 5):
This cocktail restored my faith in Crème de Menthe, as this drink wasn’t half bad… it wasn’t half good either, so I settled at a 2.5. Mrs. Sip thought it tasted like an After Eight chocolate and would have rated it a bit higher but I felt that the Grand Marnier is completely wasted in this drink. Plus, if the cocktail’s creator had been a clever, it would have been called Spiritual EnlightenMINT instead!

May 5 – Laugh-A-Minute

Posted on May 5, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Laugh Your Ass Off

It’s World Laughter Day and Cinco de Mayo – two great reasons to celebrate! Today seems like a good time to discuss my favourite comedians. These guys have been making me laugh for years and deserve all the praise I can give them.

Christopher Titus

There is only one word to describe Christopher Titus: deranged… well, that or genius! Both really do fit and form the basis of his comedic style. Titus largely uses his own personal experiences in his act: growing up with a strict, alcoholic single father and split family; bad relationships throughout his adulthood; and the notion that in today’s society, to be dysfunctional is normal and the majority.

Lewis Black

The Daily Show correspondent and ranter extraordinaire, Lewis Black, is as funny as he is gruff. His wildness seems to go against the grain of being dressed in a suit and tie, but he makes it all work. There is a nervous energy to Black’s act that keep you totally invested in what he’s saying and trying to figure out which direction he’ll head in next.

Ron White

I love Ron White’s style. He spends most of his set chain smoking and drinking what appears to be scotch or whiskey. After that, ‘Tater Salad’s’ comedy is pretty damn good, too. He is my favourite member of the Blue Collar troupe and his dry, southern style will have you rolling with laughter. He has definitely had some wild times and the stories of his various arrests are a highlight of his act.

Carrot Top

As I’ve written before, Carrot Top’s energy during his performance is astonishing. I’m not sure how many energy drinks he has to down to get to that level, but I appreciate his efforts (and sacrifice). Prop comedy is sometimes frowned upon by purists, but Carrot Top deserves a ton of credit for constantly adapting his act and finding new materials to suit his needs.

Russell Peters

Throwing some Canadian content on the list (although I maintain that we are one of the funniest country’s in the world and have an amazing profile of talented comedians), Russell Peters has turned his “rip on my dad” act into a worldwide sensation. Somebody’s gonna get a hurt!

Emo Philips

The bizarre style of Emo Philips’ comedy isn’t for everyone. Just when you think his joke is going in one direction, Philips completely psyches you out and turns the entire joke upside down. With his odd sense of humor, he can seem quite loveable… just beware of his wild side.

Daniel Tosh

There is no subject that Daniel Tosh won’t rip on. He’s been accused of being racist, sexist, misogynistic, you name it. The only thing I’ve ever indicted him for is being hilarious. When not touring North America, performing his stand-up material, you can see Tosh hosting his Comedy Central smash hit Tosh.0, where he lampoons online videos and social media sites, such as Facebook and Twitter.

Drink #125: Laugh-A-Minute

1 oz Cherry Vodka (I used Grey Goose Cherry Noir)
1 oz Sweet Vermouth
0.5 oz Amaretto
Top with Lemonade
Garnish with Lemon Wedge and Maraschino Cherry

Amazingly (and feeling truly blessed), I’ve been able to see each of these performers live in various parts of North America. Some comics on my “must see” list include Steven Wright, Patton Oswalt, Dave Chappelle, and Louis C.K.

This blog post does not feature comedians who have gone to the great stage in the sky, like George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Rodney Dangerfield, Mitch Hedberg, and Greg Giraldo.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
You’re always doubtful about the varying quality of liquors until you have something as special as Grey Goose Vodka. The Cherry Noir variety was delicious, with almost a hint sour cherry flavour. Throw in Amaretto and you have one of my longtime preferred spirits being paired with one of my new loves.

May 3 – Sidecar

Posted on May 3, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Sidekicking

The Sip Advisor has gone through numerous sidekicks over the years. I don’t have a good safety track-record with my associates and therefore find it hard to reel in replacements. Perhaps these guys and gals are looking for work. If so, please submit your resumes and head shots (females only) to Sip Advisor Headquarters, PO Box 84148. Best of luck to those applying!

Robin – Batman

Batman can get a lot of crazy stuff done on his own, but add in Robin and you have quite the dynamic duo. The ‘Boy Wonder’ is the quintessential sidekick. He knows his role as the number two and doesn’t overstep the boundaries of his part… except for his constant “holy, [insert something to do with their current predicament], Batman” musings.

Dr. Watson – Sherlock Holmes

Without Dr. Watson around, surely Sherlock Holmes would go insane under the weight of his own superior intelligence. Watson is the calming force that helps Sherlock work his way through mysteries and there’s the odd time where the good doctor’s problem solving ability is crucial in cracking a case. Mmmm, cracking a case… right, we’re not talking about beer.

Barney Fife – Andy Taylor

While Sheriff Andy Taylor was the straight man and level-headed leader of the Mayberry Police Department, his counterpart, Deputy Barney Fife was his inept, hapless partner. Together, they made a good pairing that kept the town safe and orderly, although Fife usually needed Taylor’s help to keep him safe from himself.

Dale Gribble – Hank Hill

While Dale is the kind of sidekick that causes more issues than he solves, he certainly keeps things interesting for best friend Hank. Dale’s paranoia has frequently got the best of him and one has to wonder if his career as a pest removal specialist – and all those toxic chemicals – isn’t to blame for some of his delusions. Hank has to reel his friend in from time to time, which is easy for the serious leader.

Milhouse Van Houten – Bart Simpson

And everything’s coming up Milhouse! It’s hard to tell sometimes if Milhouse is friends with Bart because he likes Bart or if he just wants to remain closer to his crush and Bart’s sister, Lisa. If there isn’t some degree of friendship between the two boys, then Milhouse has gone through a lot just for his unrequited love. Bart has caused him to get into a great deal of trouble, and when pressed as to why he’s friends with Milhouse, Bart struggles to answer, saying it is largely due to “geographic convenience”.

Barney Rubble – Fred Flintstone

Fred’s little buddy Barney is always up for Fred’s shenanigans and despite warning him of what the end results could be, Barney often goes along with the scheme. The two pals are both members of the Loyal Order of Water Buffalos and even work together at the Slate Rock and Gravel Company quarry. That’s a lot of time to spend with one person, but if it works for them, who am I to judge?

Mini-Me – Dr. Evil

The pint-sized clone of Dr. Evil may be small in stature, but he’s just as wicked as his “daddy”. Mini-Me also has the advantage of being at a perfect level for biting adversaries in the shin or delivering a devastating low blow. You can never stay too mad at the little guy, though, because he has such a sweet grin… even if it is hiding his evil side.

Diddy Kong – Donkey Kong

These two primates play off of each other so well that they have been able to keep Donkey Kong Country safe from evil crocodiles and slithering snakes on multiple occasions. Donkey Kong played the role of mentor to his young protégé Diddy, as they bashed their way over all the baddies who meant them harm. Diddy (no relation to Puff Daddy) even branched out and took the lead in his own game, letting Donkey enjoy a comfortable retirement in his banana horde. He hasn’t been seen in years!

Dwight Schrute – Michael Scott

In his constant pursuit of a management position at the Dunder-Mifflin paper company, Dwight Schrute idolizes manager Michael Scott, even if his treatment at the hands of his boss isn’t always the kindest. Dwight is often placed into the role of Assistant to the Regional Manager, which he claims means Assistant Regional Manager. Meanwhile, he’s stuck doing Michael’s laundry and other menial tasks, while others are promoted ahead of him.

Drink #123: Sidecar

1.5 oz Brandy (I used Meagher’s Apricot Brandy)
1.5 oz Cointreau
Splash of Lemon Juice
Garnish with an Orange Slice

When I was younger, Broski Sip was my sidekick and partner in crime. He’s since moved onto other endeavors, while I continue to pursue worldwide awesomeness. Mrs. Sip was offered his spot, but she declined, wanting to live a long life. So, I ask, who has the intestinal fortitude to join me in this pursuit? You will never regret it!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I’m learning quickly that I really enjoy Apricot Brandy. It very nicely accentuates the already delicious Triple Sec. The cocktail, as a whole, was good and an optional sugar rim could have been added for those who want an even sweeter taste.

May 2 – Sex on the Sidewalk

Posted on May 2, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Walk-Blocking

I fancy myself as an expert walker… professional, even. Hell, I’ve been doing it for nearly 30 years and I feel that I’m at the top of my field. Sadly, on a daily basis, I see so many examples of people who don’t know how to walk properly on the streets and therefore I feel the need to depart my knowledge on the most dastardly members of our society, the walk-blockers.

This is an Idiot’s Guide to walking in urban areas. The first lesson is pretty simple: think of walking like you would driving. Walk in straight lines, stay to the right side of the “road”, allow for passing, and pull off to the side of the road if you want to stop. Seems pretty easy, right? Well, here are the most egregious fouls encountered out there on the foot highways and how to deal with them.

Cell Phone Talkers & Texters

Why is it that some people get so absorbed into their phones that they don’t realize the world going on around them? They don’t realize that they’ve slowed to a crawl, with a line of people trying to pass them because they’re staring at their phone, trying to figure out the meaning of life through the interpretation of text acronyms (2G2BT, HMU, ATST, B4N). And the people who walk around talking on blue tooth or other devices should be committed to mental institutions.

Zig-Zaggers

How hard is it to walk in a straight line? Well, from the evidence I’ve collected, this is a much more difficult task than I ever thought. I constantly see people bounce through a sidewalk block like they’re a ball from the Brick Breaker video game. Passing these guys and gals is tough because just as you try to go around them one way, they may switch their direction. They’re like game baddies with good artificial intelligence.

Four Wide

This one aggravates me to no end because not only do they walk four-people wide, taking up the entire sidewalk width, but they’re usually of the slow walker variety and you can find yourself stuck behind them for entire blocks. I don’t want to call out any race in particular, but it seems that Asian girls like to roll at a minimum of four wide… WHILE HOLDING FREAKIN’ HANDS! This should be punishable by tentacle erotica.

Stoppers & Gawkers

I love it when you’re walking behind someone and they suddenly stop without warning. Listen douche bag, I don’t care what text came through or which restaurant marquee you want to check out, if you want to stop in the middle of traffic, try this crazy new thing called stepping to the side first, then do what you need to do (radical, I know). This offence is most often occurs in malls and at theme parks.

The Homeless (aka The Walking Dead)

These “people” sure know how to get attention… the negative kind, of course. There is nothing I love better than racing to work, sleepy and cranky that it’s Monday (or Tuesday, or Wednesday or… well really any day that you have to go to work) and then suddenly a homeless person decides that it is the perfect time to solicit me for a portion of the minimal wages I’m dragging my butt out of bed to go make. Their best tactic seems to be completely blocking my route and forcing me to acknowledge their existence. That’s when I start busting out the flying forearms and lariat clotheslines and the dreaded, last resort, roaring elbow!

Gatherings

For some reason, these gatherings (usually outside restaurants, bars and clubs) just seem to mushroom and grow, as one smoker becomes 10 in no time and you’re forced to walk on the road briefly to circumvent the congregation. Sometimes, I like to be a dick and walk right through the crowd, interrupting the flow of their surely groundbreaking conversation.

Children & Animals

Not that they are the same (their parents may beg to differ), but I lump kids and pets together because both get a pass from me. They just don’t know any better. However, their parents/owners should be making sure they don’t severely disrupt the flow of walking traffic and they’re often too busy with their faces in their phones to monitor their little ones. However, parents with buggies are a whole other story! (especially in theme parks!)

Drivers and Their Vehicles

Every single day, I encounter at least three incidents where I’m almost hit by a car… and I’m constantly paying attention and looking out for this. I fear for the people that are too distracted by their phones and iPods to realize that a pick-up truck is about to squash them like Mario crushes Goombas. I especially hate people that block my walking lane and are then stuck waiting for traffic to clear anyway.

Scooters, Wheelchairs and Strollers, oh my

These sidewalk vehicles are a necessary evil, but they sure take up a lot of space and I find most people using these items of assistance are often crabby and unfriendly to deal with. If you’re going to take up half the sidewalk, you might as well do it with a smile on your face.

Bikes on the Sidewalk

Unless it’s a young kid, bikes belong on the road. These are the kind of people I would love to just knock over as they pass me. Give them a stiff shoulder check and watch them hilariously fall to the ground and suffer severe concussions. After all, us taxpayers have paid for a trillion and one designated bike lanes, might as well use them!

Vehicles in Crossing Lanes

I’ve always wanted to just walk on top of the hood of a vehicle that has chosen to sit in an intersection, cutting off my route from corner to corner. While I haven’t performed this maneuver yet, I am known to bash cars with my umbrella, if they cut me off in an intersection when I have the right of way and I once (almost) spat at a guy in a convertible after he nearly ran me over. Hey, it’s the little victories that count, right?!

Smokers

Finally, you have your smokers, who aren’t much fun to walk behind, resulting in a face full of second-hand smoke. Try to pass these individuals as soon as possible, so you can enjoy some fresh air with your walkabout.

Drink #122: Sex on the Sidewalk

1 oz Vodka
0.5 oz Melon Liqueur
0.5 oz Chambord
Top with Cranberry Juice
Garnish with Linked Sour Soothers

This drink’s namesake is definitely a walking no-no. While it would make a decent sideshow attraction, all those wayward limbs would certainly slow down your walking progress and the spectacle of the entire obscenity would cause a crowd that would be hard to circumvent. Stay safe out there, my little sippers!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
This is a tasty drink that goes down easy, but seems to be missing something. Some fizz may have made it a little more fun and also cut into some of the sweetness, although it’s not overly sweet, either. P.S. Sour Soothers rule!

May 1 – Black Mojito

Posted on May 1, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Death Do Us Part

Some would say that the name Black Mojito conjures up images of the lively mojito (also known as the alcoholic rainforest) drying up and dying. In that vein, let’s take a look at some of the most bizarre deaths to occur in human history!

Uroko Onoja – Cause of Death: Sex machine blows a circuit

I think it’s every guy’s dream (or hope) to have endless sex. Unfortunately, that didn’t work out too well for this Nigerian polygamist. When five of his six wives demanded sex from him after catching him with the youngest wife (why this was a problem, I don’t know – surely the women knew the commandments of polygamy charter), he was able to go through four of them, in succession, before he stopped breathing. You have to give the guy some props for making it that far, but the last wife must have been pretty choked that she still got the short end of the stick (or rather, no stick at all to be exact).

Phillip Quinn – Cause of Death: And boom goes the lava lamp

We’ve all been mesmerized by the luminescent lava lamp before, but this dude tried to take the device to a whole new level. He put the lamp inside a microwave, and when it exploded (because that’s obviously what was going to happen) a shard of glass pierced his heart. How stoned was this guy that the thought of putting a lava lamp into a microwave even entered his mind? Was he going to eat the lava lamp’s gooey insides? That’s the only reason something should ever be put in a microwave, my little sippers, unless you’re warming up a rain-soaked pair of undies.

Garry Hoy – Cause of Death: Lawyer negligence

While trying to prove to a group of prospective articling law students that the glass throughout his office was unbreakable, this genius of a lawyer (from Toronto, no surprise there) slammed himself against the pane, which of course popped out and led to him taking a 24-floor dive. Ultimately not the best way to convince young lawyers that they had a bright future with that firm. Well, at least now they’ll never forget him.

Dick Wertheim – Cause of Death: Serve’s up

This one is really tragic, in my opinion. Mr. Wertheim was a tennis linesman working a 1983 US Open match. Player Stefan Edberg connected with a serve that hit the poor linesman right in the groin. While this pain would instantly kill most men, what got Werthheim in the end was blunt cranial trauma after he fell to the ground, hitting his head.

Lee Seung Seop – Cause of Death: Epic video game session

The most I’ve ever played a video game in one sitting is about two hours… and that’s a very rare chunk of time where I didn’t become disinterested, hungry, frustrated, or tired enough to shut off the console. My attention span just isn’t of that high a tolerance. Mr. Seop, on the other hand, played the online video game StarCraft for 50 consecutive hours before collapsing of fatigue. He must have been on one hell of a quest!

20 Crew and Passengers – Cause of Death: Crocodile strikes again

This incident all started when a passenger smuggled aboard a crocodile in a sports bag and the animal escaped. Panicked passengers – probably thinking they were extras in the long overdue Snakes on a Plane sequel – caused the plane to crash after they made the tiny aircraft unbalanced by all running to one side of the vessel. So many unanswered questions remain, like how the passenger got the crocodile past the crack airport security in Africa and what prompted this dude to smuggle a freakin’ dinosaur in the first place. Of course, the crocodile survived along with one passenger. Now I know why TV character Archer fears the lizards so much!

Drink #121: Black Mojito

Muddle 8 Mint Leaves and 4 Lime Wedges
1.5 oz Kraken Black Spice Rum
Top with Ginger Ale
Garnish with Lime Wedge

There are so many fascinating unusual deaths that have occurred throughout human history. Hence the existence of a show like Spike TV’s 1000 Ways to Die, which is always good for a few laughs. Ah, laughing at dead people… stay classy Sip Nation!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
Mojitos and their cousins rule. This recipe was different in that it required Ginger Ale, as opposed to either Club Soda or Lemon-Lime Soda, but that’s cool because I enjoy Ginger Ale. The drink also gave me a chance to use my new Kraken Black Spiced Rum, which I have absolutely nothing bad to say about.

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