March 14 – Monkey Gland

Posted on March 14, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Monkeying Around

You may not have noticed by now, but I kind of love monkeys. Along with kittens and potato chips, monkeys have made frequent guest appearances in blog posts. Even after a group of monkeys assaulted me and viciously violated me while on vacation in Indonesia, I still have a massive respect for the creatures. After all, I was guilty of holding a bag of peanuts that they wanted (that’s right elephants, peanuts are not just for you!). Thank god I had a little Indonesian woman to protect me by shooing them away with her sandal. I beg forgiveness my simian friends. Without further ado, are some of my favourite primates:

George – Curious George

You’d think with all the trouble George gets into that the Man in the Yellow Hat would send the little guy packing. And what was up with that Man in the Yellow Hat anyways? Doesn’t he realize how ridiculous he looks? Looks like a freakin’ banana if you ask me (and I know you do). No wonder Curious George was so troublesome, it was probably the result of slow psychotic breakdown from having to live with a giant talking banana. Curious George should just try to eat him sometime.

Abu – Aladdin

I often dress my kitty sidekick, Furious B, in Abu’s trademark fez hat and vest. It may result in numerous scratches and one pissed off pussy, but it’s worth it for the half second I can see him clothed before he runs and hides behind the couch and pees on my DVDs.

Mr. Teeny – The Simpsons

The roller-skating, cigar-smoking chimp and sidekick to Krusty the Clown, has lived a life few monkeys have the opportunity to. It is one of celebrity, which comes with good and bad. Hell, I’d be Krusty’s subordinate if it meant an increase in pay and getting to wear a bowtie… even if Krusty has plans to take one of Teeny’s lungs should he ever need a replacement.

Evil Monkey – Family Guy

We later learn that this monkey isn’t so evil after all. He’s actually a nice, mild-mannered being who was just down on his luck (his monkey wife had cheated on him) and found a home in Chris Griffin’s closet. If my wife cheated on me with a monkey, I’d just be crossing my fingers that it turned into a threesome.

Donkey Kong

Originally a villain, Donkey Kong worked his way into the hearts of gamers by barrel blasting and enemy bopping his way through King K. Rool’s gang of baddies. It turns out he just wants his god damn bananas back. Poor guy has to deal with a serious potassium deficiency!

King Louie – Jungle Book and Tale Spin

This orangutan sure knows how to party. His joint is always swinging with song and merriment, especially when he and best friend Baloo were given new life in the 90’s cartoon Tale Spin. In that series, he became the owner of Louie’s Place, a tropical bar, which this Sip Advisor aspires to one day track down and go to work there.

Monkey Talents

Whether it’s the air duct-invading monkey (Community), the cigarette-smoking, drug-dealing monkey (The Hangover 2), the skeleton monkey (Pirates of the Caribbean) or any other simian performer, they’re all good in my books.

Phonics Monkey – South Park

Oh my god, he killed Kenny… you bastard!

Drink #73: Monkey Gland

1.5 oz Gin (I used Beefeater)
0.5 oz Absinthe
Top with Orange Juice
Dash of Grenadine
Garnish with Orange Zest

Monkeys and their distant relatives are awesome… there’s even a gorilla in San Francisco that has a thing for breasts. And yet some people still don’t believe in evolution! Let’s not forget the Ikea Monkey (now somehow available on Twitter), whose winter coat made us all melt.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
I’d love to know why this drink is called Monkey Gland. Regardless, the cocktail was decent and one in which I actually enjoyed Orange Juice. I like how the Orange Twist came across too, as it looks more like a Blood Orange, when it wasn’t.

February 4 – Lounge Lizard #2

Posted on February 4, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Bar Crawl

When I profiled the original Lounge Lizard cocktail, I discussed my favourite real-life bars. Today, I turn reality upside down and present to you, my little sippers, the best of fictional bars. Sometimes we all wish these places were real. Seriously, though, it seems like every single show in history has featured a watering hole as a recurring setting (thus making this list extremely difficult to narrow down):

Cheers – Cheers

Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name… I bet everyone who read that last line, sang it in their head! How great would it be to hang out with a regular Joe like Norm Peterson. Or shoot the shit with bartenders like Sam Malone and Woody Boyd. You could even get your daily dose of factually inaccurate trivia from Cliff Claven or some psychiatric treatment from Frasier Crane. Everyone in the place had something to offer – except maybe Paul, but we’ll let it slide.

Moe’s Tavern – The Simpsons

While Moe’s Tavern may not be the highlight of any visit to Springfield, it’s a decent joint that means a lot to its regulars. The bar has gone through a number of style changes with the times, usually to capitalize on some trend – gay bar, family restaurant, stylish martini bar (wouldn’t that be the same as the gay bar!?) – but it always returns to its former glory by episode’s end.

The Broken Stool – The Cleveland Show

After moving from Quahog, Rhode Island to Stoolbend, Virginia, Cleveland Brown promptly found himself a new group of friends – “there’s old friends, new friends and even a bear” – who regularly convene at The Broken Stool. There’s nothing like having a favourite haunt for you and your best buds and having a bear as a pal would absolutely rule. You could get him to catch fish for you and stuff.

Merlotte’s & Fangtasia – True Blood

In the True Blood universe, you have the best of both worlds. First, there’s Merlotte’s, where normal people can go to enjoy a drink or some southern cooking and crazy shit often happens. At Fangtasia, vampires, humans and werewolves alike can enjoy an evening of debauchery and crazy shit ALYWAS happens. How either owner can keep their places running with the high death rate (including to staff) and constant turmoil at each location, is beyond my comprehension.

Roger’s Place – American Dad

I dream of my own man-cave bar set-up one day… not that I don’t have that already, but it’s not in a man-cave. Neither is Roger’s Place, alien Roger Smith’s bar in the attic of the Smith family home. Here, Roger waxes philosophical for his visitors – usually suggesting a solution to their problem that gets them into even more trouble. Next time I’m bartending for the Sip Advisor friends and family, I’m going to give out bad advice… whether people want to hear it or not.

The Warsaw – The Drew Carey Show

One of the best features of this bar, was you could live above it, as Lewis and Oswald did, complete with their own fire pole into the place. Can you imagine how happy I, the Sip Advisor, would be if I could roll out of bed in the morning and ride a pole down to my favourite bar? Oh wait, I practically do that already, minus the pole and if you add a little more crawling to the trek.

Drink #35: Lounge Lizard #2

1 oz Coconut Rum
1 oz Blue Curacao
1 oz Melon Liqueur
Top with lemon-lime soda
Garnish with lemon and lime wheels

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
The Lounge Lizard family of cocktails may be one of my favourite. Here, you have Coconut Rum, Blue Curacao and Melon Liqueur all getting together to party as lemon-Lime Soda plays DJ and lays down some dope tracks. Not sure of what exactly I just wrote… let’s just say that the drink is spectacular.

January 13 – Long Island Iced Tea

Posted on January 13, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Lightweights

Lightweights are lucky–they get drunk without having to spend much cash. I’m not saying I’m a heavyweight, but I probably fall somewhere in the middle thanks to years of experience and conditioning. The Long Island Iced Tea can be very deceptive for any lightweight. It tastes so good that you feel you’re not drinking much, but because of all the ingredients it takes to make the concoction (2.5 oz of liquor in each, plus limited mixer), you’re actually getting sloshed quite quickly. Both Marge Simpson and Sheldon Cooper have been victims of the Long Island Iced Tea’s venom. Here are some other classic lightweights:

Stan Smith (American Dad)

Wanting to live life 1960’s style after watching an episode of Bewitched, Stan proposes to his wife Francine that they make a habit of having evening martinis when he returns from work. Things go off the rails quickly though when Stan is being chased by Francine through their neighbourhood, Stan in his underwear and Francine trying to get him to stop running. How many drinks did Stan have to be behaving in this manner? He consumed one cocktail.

Intoxi-Quoted (my word invention for quotes delivered while on the sauce!): Yaaaaaaahhhhh [unintelligible noises]

Stewie Griffin (Family Guy)

I can’t really blame a baby for getting plastered so easily. He is literally the definition of a lightweight. Stewie starts drinking in order to be nicer and again it only takes one drink to get him tanked. When he refuses to stop boozing, Brian takes him to the Drunken Clam and gets him blitzed, in the hopes that he’ll quit. This, of course, doesn’t end well, with the pair crashing their car – driven by Stewie (naturally if a baby can drink, he can surely drive, as well) – into the bar. After experiencing a massive hangover the next morning, Stewie does give up the bottle… at least the one filled with liquor. QUITTER!

Intoxi-Quoted: [on top of a shelf, drunk] Everybody! Everybody! I’m gonna jump! Gonna jump from… Gonna jump… to my high chair! You ready? Can you… Can you see me… gonna jump… gonna ju… jump to my highchair. You watching? Are you? Are you? [jumps and misses highchair] Ow! You see me?

Marge Simpson (The Simpsons)

When the Simpson family attended a magic show-themed restaurant, Marge was given a Long Island Iced Tea by the magician and found the drink to be quite enjoyable (well, because, it IS quite enjoyable!) Before the show was over, she downed multiple cocktails and was totally soused. Her new found loss of inhibitions resulted in her taking to the stage as the magician’s volunteer. Once back at home, Marge continued to imbibe in frequent Long Island Iced Teas. My kind of lady!

Intoxi-Quoted: “I’d like to visit that Long Island place, if only it were real.”

Sheldon Cooper (Big Bang Theory)

Sheldon (Jim Parsons) can be difficult to deal with. Penny (Kaley Cuoco), one of his most frequent combatants is a bartender at The Cheesecake Factory. When Sheldon saddles up to the bar and asks for something more than Chamomile Tea, Penny serves him (she could serve me anytime!) a Long Island Iced Tea, which he believes is non-alcoholic (due to the words “ice tea”). Sheldon slams a couple quickly, resulting in him confronting on-again, off-again frenemy, Wil Wheaton. He also lost his pants in another booze-related incident.

Intoxi-Quoted: “Get the Mad Hatter on the horn, I’m having a tea party!”

Tom Haverford (Parks and Recreation)

Looking to stir up some business, Tom (Aziz Ansari) takes former NBA star Detlef Schrempf to the club he has an ownership stake in, The Snakehole Lounge. While there, Tom seems to be very inebriated. It’s is later revealed by Schrempf, however, that Tom has only consumed two beers… and lite beers at that.

Intoxi-Quoted: “I’m DRUNK!” [at charity telethon]

Doc Brown (Back to the Future)

In the third edition of the time travel franchise, Doc (Christopher Lloyd) passes out following a single shot of whiskey, which is bad enough, but all it took for him to get a buzz going was to smell the drink. And really, how could you ever tell whether or not he’s hitting the bottle… he’s so erratic in his natural behaviour. That’s why we like him!

Intoxi-Quoted: No quote available… the good doctor passed out until morning.

And here’s the drink that brought down two characters on this list and countless others in the real world!:

Drink #13: Long Island Iced Tea

0.5 oz Vodka
0.5 oz Tequila
0.5 oz White Rum
0.5 oz Gin
0.5 oz Triple Sec
1 oz Sweet & Sour Mix
Top with Cola
Garnish with lemon and lime wedge

That sure is a lot of ingredients, but it’s worth it in the end, as you get a strong, but delicious drink. Alternatively, you could go out and buy a Long Island Iced Tea mixer and all you would have to do is add the Sweet & Sour and Cola. I’ve tried one product like this and enjoyed it, but I do have to say, there’s nothing like the real thing!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I really enjoy Long Island Iced Teas, but I feel that simply using the Long Island Iced Tea pre-mixed booze is simpler than having all four necessary liquors on hand and dropping half a shot of each into your drink. When I’ve used the pre-mixed, I don’t notice any difference in taste or effect, so why make things complicated on yourself. Regardless of that little issue, it’s still an awesome cocktail.

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