June 22 – Four Horsemen

Posted on June 22, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Day/Dawn/Night of the Walking Resident Evil Dead

At some point in time, everyone likes to think about what they would do in the case of an apocalyptic world. Especially with all the media out today involving these situations and the huge obsession with zombie culture. Here’s how your faithful Sip Advisor would fare in a world without order…

First, let’s set the stage:

Pauly Shore has risen to President of the United States (can you imagine!), backed by all the burnouts of Generation X. He is, in fact, the Anti-Christ that Nostradamus warned us all about and he means business. After nuking half the planet, only the Western Hemisphere exists and we’re too busy partying to realize what’s going on until it’s too late.

Here’s where the Sip Man comes into the picture!

While everyone is out getting their hands on any last food and supplies they can find, I’m out looting bars and liquor stores. This tactic has two-fold potential and benefits. First, if the world really has gone to shit, might as well be drunk and disorderly along with it. Second, when people are looking to get their fix, who do you think will wield all the power? That’s right, the boozers. I could charge ridiculously inflated prices (we’re talking stadium numbers) for my stock.

After I’ve begun to build my empire, people take notice and I gain a following. Too bad, I’m a lone wolf. I can barely take care of myself, let alone a mass of worshippers. I appreciate the sentiment, but it’s time to get outta dodge. President Shore wants Canada next.

Decked out in the best post-apocalyptic Road Warrior-style leather and spikes, I hit the road. There’s nothing left for me at home anymore. I work my way south – after all, we’ve always been led to believe that the south will rise again – and form an alliance with some of the best barbecue masters still remaining. Our strategy: bring the people in with barbecue and charge a king’s ransom for my booze. Plus we get all the pulled pork and beef brisket we could ever want to stuff our faces with.

I look so bad ass, I bet they’d take the time to make action figures of me!

We party for weeks on end, seemingly forgetting all our troubles, but eventually they catch up with us. Now it’s turned into one of those zombie apocalypse dealies. I’ve watched my fair share of undead horror movies and TV shows and here are my tips for staying safe:

Zombies love cuddles… this has never been explored in zombie fiction, but in reality, if you hug a zombie, they will never kill you. If you’re willing to do even more with a zombie, then you might be able to lead an entire army of walkers.
Don’t go outside. Why would you ever leave the safety of your home? You need food? Eat a couch cushion. You want some entertainment? I’m sure AMC will eventually put out an all-zombie network for us to enjoy. Then HBO will counter with their own zombie-demographic programming. We’ll be fine.
If I’ve learned anything the past few years, it’s that zombies already exist. All we have to do is distract them with the same devices they are currently obsessed with. Put either a smart phone or Facebook in front of them, and they will be content for hours, just drooling all over the place, their faces aglow from high screen resolution.
Really, your best advice in a zombie apocalypse is to never listen to me. I don’t have a grasp on reality, so how am I going to be any help with fictional worlds!?

Somehow, I’m able to survive and get to Mexico, where copious amounts of tequila convince people that I should be their leader and at the same time, I accept the position. Once again, we party like there’s no tomorrow… because there might not be one. I don’t treat my subjects very well, however, thanks to the summoning of my many spirit gods.

Then, in one of the saddest scenes you will ever witness, the ol’ Sip Advisor finally runs out of his nine lives. While reaching for a bottle of whiskey, I expose myself just a little too much and the coup trying to overthrow me is finally successful. Fade to black…

I bet you’re wondering where Mrs. Sip has been during this entire adventure. Well, she dumped my ass, got hitched to Pauly Shore and enjoyed the rest of her days in power and luxury. Buuuuuuddddyyyy!

Drink #173: Four Horsemen

0.5 oz Whiskey
0.5 oz Bourbon (I used Black Cherry Bourbon)
0.5 oz Scotch
0.5 oz Tequila

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
On paper this looks like a pretty scary shot, but it went down very smooth and didn’t feel like I was being punished. Perhaps my choice of spirits helped, as I used Anejo Tequila, Honey Whiskey, Black Cherry Bourbon, and a nice Scotch. This shooter also provided me a perfect opportunity to bust out my new cowboy boot shot glasses, courtesy Ma and Pa Sip!

May 26 – Rusty Nail

Posted on May 26, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Scar Tissue

I think scars are kind of neat. They’re not always the most appealing feature to look at, but they are a landmark of sorts for life events and are almost always accompanied by a story – sometimes funny, sometimes tragic. I’ve often thought that compiling a book about scar stories would be an interesting idea for profiling human interest accounts. That said, here are the tales behind the scars that line my body and have dotted my journey.

Thigh

When I was just a little sipper, I was always trying to help around the house. That’s just how awesome I was. Whether it was licking cookie batter off spoons or providing my parents with a daily exercise regimen, chasing me around the park, I was always willing to lend a helping hand. At Christmas, when I was about three or four, I was trying to help Papa Sip gather some wood for a roaring fire (we didn’t have those fancy gas fireplaces in my young days).

Not being as careful as I am with things nowadays (Mrs. Sip would disagree after witnessing my balcony and bungee jumping ways) I picked up a slab of wood and when I went to boost it up with my leg going up our back porch stairs, a nail dug into my left thigh, slicing it open. It wasn’t a deep wound or anything, but it still left a wide scar. It is a constant reminder to be vigilant when helping others. The lazy guy in me just begging to get out (except that he’s so darn lazy) has told me before that this is what I get for assisting friends and family and that it’s just safer to not do so.

Middle Finger

Well, if this isn’t a slam dunk case of boys will be boys (or kids will be stupid), I don’t know what is. When I was 7 or 8, my parents were getting together with friends of theirs. They had a son about my age, so him, myself and Broski Sip were playing in their backyard. We decided we wanted to build a haunted house – stupid, I know… it was probably May, too – and were using tools like hammers, saws and yes, even an axe. I suppose I put myself in charge of keeping things clean, wiping the stump we were chopping away at every few minutes. The OCD in me must have flared up and as I went to swipe one more bit of stray sawdust out of the way, the axe came down on the middle finger of my right hand. I almost literally gave someone the finger.

Thankfully, the weaponry was being swung by a fellow child, but the finger was sliced pretty deep. We were also in luck that one of my parent’s friends was a nurse and she was able to clean and bandage the wound sufficiently. The last bit of good news was it was a Saturday and Hockey Night in Canada was on, so once I calmed down from the shock of the whole incident, I was able to lay back and watch some stick and puck.

Kidney

When I was 11, Mama Sip got really sick while we were visiting Disneyland. As much as that sucked, when we returned from our holiday, she was told that she needed to have one of her kidneys removed. She was also told her condition might be hereditary. Sure enough, it was, as I was also in need of a kidney removal (or a right nephrectomy if we want to get all scientifical). Shortly after I turned 12, I had my operation. Lucky for me, the ailment was caught so early that it has not continued to affect me.

Losing my kidney came with positives and negatives. I got a month off from school, was pampered during that time, and had a wicked scar that the ladies were surprisingly into when I returned to classes. I also went through a growth spurt once the nonfunctioning organ was eliminated. On the flip side, I had to quit playing hockey as it was hard to get insured to play once body contact started. All in all, it largely made me who I am today and I think Sip Nation would agree, in the end, that’s a good thing.

Drink #146: Rusty Nail

1.5 oz Drambuie
1.5 oz Scotch
Garnish with a Lemon Twist

I consider myself lucky that I only have three scars and really only the kidney one is noticeable. Tell me your scar story or stories. Perhaps I’ll one day get around to publishing that work and we’ll all be famous!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
The first sip of this drink didn’t go over as well as I had hoped. Once I let it sit for a moment, the Scotch diluted a little thanks to the ice, which allowed the Drambuie to come through better. This resulted in the cocktail’s score jumping from 3 to 3.5.

March 16 – Dead Man Walking

Posted on March 16, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Last Rites

If you were on your death bed (sweet lady liquor forbid), what would you say? Here are some of the best last words I’ve been able to find, as inspiration for my own prepared statement:

“One last drink, please?” – Jack Daniel, famous whiskeyteer

The living legend just wanted one last taste of his own whiskey. Unfortunately the wonderful JD Honey Whiskey hadn’t been made yet, as that would certainly have sent him off on the right note. Daniel died from blood poisoning after a toe infection from kicking his safe when he couldn’t remember the combination. Ironically, as told on tours of his distillery, had he dipped his toe in his patented whiskey, he likely would have survived.

“Tomorrow, I shall no longer be here.” – Nostradamus, prediction master

Talk about calling your shot. A pretty ballsy move to say the least. If he had lived even two more days, he would have gone down in history as a sketchy heretic, only correct with a percentage of his forecasts. As it stands, Nostradamus is revered because he was even able to foretell his own demise.

“Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow’s paper? ‘French Fries’!” – James French, insane murderer

Mr. French shouted this to press members and other witnesses to his execution. I gotta admit, it’s a pretty funny line, but it really shows just how psychotic the dude was. I guess you have to give him some style points, but his landing was a little botched.

“Hurry up, you Hoosier bastard, I could kill ten men while you’re fooling around!” – Carl Panzram, serial killer

Death row inmates are lucky in that their final words will always be recorded. Once again, though, this guy proved his head really belonged in the noose. What did he have against Hoosiers anyway… that’s a good movie.

“No, you certainly can’t.” – John F. Kennedy, El Presidente

This was President Kennedy’s reply to Nellie Connally, the wife of Texas Governor John Connally, when she stated, “You certainly can’t say that the people of Dallas haven’t given you a nice welcome, Mr. President.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more ironic outcome.

“I should have asked for a stunt double!” – Vic Morrow, unlucky actor

Morrow was killed while filming an elaborate stunt scene for Twilight Zone: The Movie, when a helicopter crashed and tragically decapitated himself and a child actor, while also crushing another child. Sadly, Morrow thought his statement was just a joke, but instead it came true.

“I should never have switched from scotch to martinis.” – Humphey Bogart, actor extraordinaire

It is scientifically proven that scotch keeps you alive longer than martinis… ol’ Bogie here might have been onto something. I think the key is to continue drinking both and then you have all options covered!

Drink #75: Dead Man Walking

0.75 oz Absinthe
0.75 oz Goldschlager

I’ve decided that my final words – I’ve always been a planner – will be: “This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on, my friends…” and then I’ll just keep singing and living forever, only taking breaks to down another cocktail. Not a bad plan, eh!?

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
The Absinthe Week shot was supposed to be something different, but on the fly I switched to this recipe and it was pretty good. The name is perfect to match the taste and Mrs. Sip caught a perfect photo of the gold flakes within the shooter.

February 18 – Candy Rider

Posted on February 18, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Ride Wit Me

In a recent post, I mentioned rock band Van Halen’s odd tour rider request to have all the brown M&M’s removed from candy dishes backstage at their appearances. Today I look at some other celebrity demands; some humourous, some reasonable and some downright bizarre.

Taylor Swift – Kraft Mac N’ Cheese, chocolate milk, ice cream, Twizzlers

I know Taylor is young – only 23 – but her rider makes it seem like she should still be eating at the kiddy table. Granted it looks like an ideal meal for Mrs. Sip as well. If this is a consistent part of Swift’s diet however, I wouldn’t be surprised if she often hits the stage with an upset tummy.

Eminem – peanut butter, strawberry jelly, Lunchables… oh, and a koi pond

Again, Slim Shady’s rider reminds me of something a young child going on a field trip would ask for. PB&Js and Lunchables sounds like a nice simple meal if you’re a picky kid. However, not really what I envisioned for someone rapping about drugs and sex, but then again I do love me a good PB&J. Both are favourites of Mrs. Sip (the PB&J and Lunchables that is, not the drugs and sex unfortunately)… she’s starting to look like a bit of a diva. The koi pond is completely out of left field, but given his other easy-to-achieve asks, we’ll give him a pass on the pond.

Adele – Marlboro lights, fans who get free tickets must make a donation to charity

Ever wonder how Adele gets that smoky voice of hers. The Marlboro lights she requests on her rider may play a role. I’m not sure how she keeps tabs on who gets free tickets to her concerts though… perhaps she has ESP (enhanced suspicions of people).

Kanye West – shampoo, lip balm, soft-bristle toothbrush

Wouldn’t want to hurt those voice-of-a-generation gums, hey Kanye? These are all items any normal person would travel with and supply themselves with, but hey, why not make someone else buy them for you and save $10 from your millions?

John Kerry – no tomato-based products or sandwiches

This is a very ironic request given his wife’s fortune – which likely helped fund Kerry’s bid for the American presidency – comes from her first marriage to the heir of the Heinz ketchup legacy. Perhaps that fact still bothers him. After all, what guy likes being constantly reminded of the other people who have seen his wife’s naughty bits?

Foo Fighters – colouring and activity books

Sounds like Dave Grohl and the guys have found a sure-fire way to kick-start their creativity prior to a performance. I can totally see Grohl lying on the floor and doing his best to keep within the lines. Then again, he is a drummer and maybe the exercise is all about breaking the rules. The group also provides this great drawing as an example of acceptable catering.

Michael Buble – local hockey team puck, bottle of scotch, wine, veggies and dip

A good Canadian kid, all Buble wants is a bottle of scotch, some reasonably-priced wine, veggies and dip, and a hockey puck from the local team. It’s a well-known fact that Buble is a massive hockey fan and perhaps he’s just trying to build a one-of-a-kind collection. Fans of Bubbles have even posted in forums, trying to send him pucks from their area teams.

Mariah Carey – 20 white kittens, 100 doves

I only hope the 20 kittens are allowed to feast on the 100 doves and that is the only reason the two are ordered in unison (reminder: The Sip Advisor does not like birds in any form… except tuxedoed and flightless). Man, what a glorious massacre that would be. I know The Sip Advisor’s little sidekick, Furious B, would have an absolute feast if allowed to join this party.

Marilyn Manson – bald-headed, toothless hooker

We hope that this is a joke request, but with Mr. Manson (who sometimes prefers to go by Mrs.), you can never be too sure. Maybe he’s just using the woman as an example of how to do his own make-up!

Drink #49: Candy Rider

Rim glass with Cherry Fun Dip
2 oz Gin (I used Beefeater)
Top with Cherry Dr. Pepper
Garnish with Twizzler Straw

My demands for today’s drink included a cherry Fun Dip rim and a Twizzler straw. If you were a touring celebrity, what would be on your rider? Write me your own requests and I’ll decide whether or not you’re worth booking. The best replies may be posted in a future Sip Advisor blog!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I would have never thought that Gin and Dr. Pepper went together very well… boy, was I wrong. I’m particularly proud of the Twizzler stir stick/straw I added to go along with the post above.

February 3 – Bill Murray

Posted on February 3, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

On the Rocks

As a bit of a carryover from yesterday’s post, in the movie Groundhog Day, Phil Connors (Bill Murray) orders “sweet vermouth on the rocks, with a twist,” his producer Rita’s (Andie MacDowell) favourite drink, in a bid to get closer to her. He learns this on the first day of his Groundhog Day loop and tries to exploit it on subsequent repeated days. Apparently this is the actual favourite drink of director Harold Ramis’ wife. So, given that I’m doing this challenge and I’m always open to new recipes, I thought I’d give it a shot. First though, here are some other drinks that are enjoyed on the rocks:

Scotch

I’ve only got into Scotch over the last few years, but I really enjoy it. In that time, I’ve been lucky to sample some really good stuff (thanks to some very generous friends and family) and most recently I met the pinnacle of drinking when I was able to have a glass of Ron Swanson’s (Parks and Recreation) favourite libation Lagavulin 16 Year Old. Imagine me, a mild-mannered drink jockey getting to enjoy this fine substance… let the good times roll! (See January 8 – Scotch on the Rocks for further reading)

Disaronno (Amaretto)

This is one of my favourite end-of-night, unwinding drinks. A couple cubes and a splash of Disaronno is all I need before bedtime. Call it nappy time juice! It used to be that cookies and milk were all I needed but then I entered my 30’s! Okay, I’m not there yet, but cookies and milk have been pushed aside for liqueurs and whatever is lying around the house that resembles food. It doesn’t really matter, I’ll eat anything.

Southern Comfort

I first tried Southern Comfort on the rocks on my honeymoon cruise and enjoyed it enough to buy a bottle. I’m curious to try some of the other Southern Comfort flavours out there, such as Fiery Pepper, Bold Black Cherry, plus one mama Sip Advisor told me about (this drinking is a family thing, after all), Lime. So, I have the perfect evening planned: southern BBQ, washed down by SoCo!

Courvoisier (Cognac)

Now, I’ve only had this once before, but I enjoyed it thoroughly. Perhaps it holds a place in my heart because it helped me fall asleep on a flight, which I’m rarely able to do. I also love how it was regularly featured in the Ladies Man skits on Saturday Night Live. Great choice, Leon!

Bailey’s Irish Crème

This last one is geared a little more towards the ladies, I suppose. I personally like drinks that have a little bit more of an edge, but I know there are a lot of folks out there that love their Irish Crèmes and anything that’s easier to down. It’s a smooth ride for these alcohols and there’s also an array of intriguing flavours (mint chocolate, crème caramel, hazelnut, biscotti) coming out from the Bailey’s people and other similar companies.

Drink #34: Bill Murray

2 oz Sweet Vermouth (I used Martini brand)
Splash of Lemon Juice
Garnish with lemon twist

In honour of the legendary Bill Murray, I’ve gone ahead and named this concoction after him. I mean, Andie MacDowell is okay, but Bill Murray is Dr. Peter Venkman… groundskeeper Carl Spackler… hell, he’s even Garfield! This was the first time I ever had sweet vermouth on the rocks, as I usually only use it when making Manhattans. This is the type of experimenting I enjoy best and I thought the drink was great, especially with the addition of lemon.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
Shockingly, no one has ever given this drink a name before, which is a shame because I believe that we should salute Bill Murray whenever the opportunity arises. I thought Sweet Vermouth on the rocks was actually a tasty drink and something you might have when unwinding after dinner, as a dessert aperitif.

January 9 – Appletini

Posted on January 9, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Signature Drinks

One of my favourite wrestlers – yeah, that’s right, I watch wrestling, so what of it? I like to watch a good slobber-knocker every now and again, while sipping back the booze… mmm, booze… wait, where was I? As I was saying, one of my favourite wrestlers of all time, the ‘Fallen Angel’ Christopher Daniels, started a gimmick recently in which he’s always seen with an Appletini during interviews and even while coming down to the ring. This got me thinking (and drinking) about the Appletini, of course, and also about the characters out there that are associated with a particular drink, frequently having it in their possession.

Julian – Trailer Park Boys (Rum & Coke)

It is a rare sight to see Julian without a rum and coke in his hands and there were many times throughout the run of Trailer Park Boys when viewers marveled over the tasks he was able to complete while not spilling his coveted beverage. Among them, playing street hockey and running from the cops in a high-speed chase.

Ron Swanson – Parks & Recreation (Scotch)

Tough as nails, Ron Swanson refuses to drink anything but Lagavulin Scotch. Only once has he departed from his nectar-of-choice, after co-worker Tom Haverford designed snake juice (described as a high-end Kahlua style liquor by its creator, but as basically rat poison by others – to be discussed in a future post on invented drinks) and bet Ron he would love it. Ron did and the result was the video posted below.

The Dude – The Big Lebowski (White Russian)

Throughout the movie, The Big Lebowski, The Dude enjoys nine White Russian cocktails. There’s even a drinking game out there, where players are supposed to have a White Russian every time The Dude has one. That’s an impressive feat and could be a future Liquor Challenge for myself (coming soon to The Sip Advisor)!

Don Draper – Mad Men (Old Fashioned)

Sorry, Don… no photo for you!

Mad Men sucks… sorry, it had to be said. I love how my site can be a platform for me to hate things! I’d start writing about Mr. Draper, his drink of choice and his show, but too many words have been wasted on—

(see what I did there?)

Carrie Bradshaw – Sex and the City (Cosmopolitan)

The ladies of Sex and the City revitalized this cocktail after making it their favourite libation. As I recently wrote in my Cosmo post, I do enjoy this drink and for that, I guess I have to thank Carrie and company for making it so popular in restaurants. In return for my gesture of gratefulness, I only ask that there be no more Sex and the City movies. Deal?

Ron Burgundy – Anchorman (Scotch)

“I love scotch. Scotchy, scotch, scotch. Here it goes down, down into my belly.” That is one of many amazingly funny quotes about scotch in Anchorman. I can’t wait for the Anchorman sequel, where I’m sure Ron will get back to his womanizing, scotch-loving ways. Stay classy, San Diego!

Burton Mercer – The Blues Brothers (Orange Whip)

The ‘Orange Whip’ isn’t pictured, but you can tell that this guy is a booze hound!

Mercer’s drinking of this beverage even inspired a renaissance of sorts for it. I definitely need to steal his way of asking who wants a drink. He basically makes a drink for each time he asks if anyone wants one and then likely enjoys them all, himself. “Who wants an orange whip? Orange whip? Orange whip? Three orange whips.” Ha, classic!

James Bond – James Bond Series (Vodka Martini/Vesper: shaken, not stirred)

Everybody has done the “shaken, not stirred” joke at some point in their life. We get it, you watch movies and can quote one of the shortest and most misinformed lines featured on the silver screen. The funny thing is that the way Mr. Bond has his drink constructed, is actually incorrect. Anytime you are only using alcohols, with no mixers involved, it’s recommended that you stir your ingredients, rather than shake, so as not to bruise the alcohol too much and diminish its taste. Tisk, tisk, James…

And finally…

J.D. – Scrubs (Appletini, easy on the tini)

And now we come full circle! Like wrestler, Christopher Daniels, J.D. on Scrubs loved his Appletinis. Despite the fact most bartenders mistook him for being female, as a result of his drink order, J.D. would not be deterred and that takes some balls. J.D. even paid $105 for an Appletini once, but found it a little too light on the ‘tini’. Let’s salute J.D. and make him a proper one.

Drink #9: Appletini

Muddle 8-10 of chunks of green apple
2 oz vodka
1 oz Rose’s Green Apple Mixer
Garnish with green apple slices

The best part about putting this piece together is that it has inspired me to make some cocktails I had previously never tried. I’ve always wanted to try the Bond-styled martini – although I’ll be stirring my ingredients, thank you very much – and the Orange Whip intrigues me, as well. I also have never had a true old fashioned yet, but I will certainly not be thinking about ‘the show that shall not be named’ when I enjoy the classic concoction.

Have I missed anything? Did I neglect your favourite character and their drink of choice? Drop me a line and chew me out, just make sure to have fun with your insults. Until next time…

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
I like the Appletini… there, I said it. That sour apple flavour, while not my favourite, is quite tasty. One must always be sure to use sour green apples for this recipe. I guess you could use red or golden delicious, but what would be the point.

Sip Advisor

The Good, The Bad & The Bubbly

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