Locked Up

I’ve never been to jail… but I’m willing to bet that it would be fun. If TV and movies have taught me anything (they haven’t), it’s that I’d be able to keep quite active by joining football, basketball, and baseball teams to compete against the guards. When you factor in running from scary inmates – a form of dodge ball – and all the weight lifting I could do, I’m pretty sure that I would be in the best shape of my life! There’s also the lifelong (til death penalty do us part) friendships I would make. So based on my vast television watching experience and the one time I had a run in with “the fuzz”, which almost resulted in a speeding ticket, here are my tips for surviving the slammer:

1) Getting acquainted with your bunk mate

You’re new to the place and really have no right to claim top bunk. If the dude you’re stuck with has already claimed that spot, guess what… you’re bottoms, boieeeee! Better get comfortable, brotha, you might be there a while.

2) Picking a gang

While you could try to fly solo in the clink, it’s probably best that you align yourself with similar-minded people. If the Mighty Ducks movies have taught us anything, it’s prudent of you to go into a flying-V formation, while shouting “quack, quack, quack”. Not only will that show other gangs that you are a united front, but also that your clique has some serious mental instability and is not to be messed with.

3) Making a shiv/shank

No matter how protected you might be thanks to the crew that has adopted you, having a readymade weapon in case of any brouhaha would be quite beneficial. My suggestion is to try and fashion some sort of makeshift gun. Your fellow prisoners will never know what hit them!

4) Earning a reputation

You don’t have to be the tough guy in your cell block, but if you bring something unique to the table, you might be able to slip under the radar for your extended stay. Morgan Freeman (The Shawshank Redemption) was known as the guy who could procure things… Clint Eastwood (Escape from Alcatraz) had only one passion: to escape from prison… Burt Reynolds (The Longest Yard) liked playing football… and Sean Penn (Dead Man Walking) had a thing for lethal injections.

5) Getting drunk

You will miss things you once knew and loved in the outside world. But just because you’re locked up doesn’t mean you can’t have some of those things, even if it is at a lower-graded experience. I have a wonderful recipe for toilet wine. If you’d like the details, please send your credit information to me. See, this is how I got into trouble in the first place.

6) Finding God

I heard that this often happens in jails, which could be good if, like me, you haven’t managed (or gotten around to) finding him, her, or it “on the outside”. And who knows, you may even manage to turn your whole spiritual discovery into a profit, just like George Bluth did with his infomercial promoting his video series “Caged Wisdom”.

If all else fails, the consumption of toilet wine often leads to self-discovery of prayer to the porcelain god as you return your elixir to where it once came from…

Now let’s enjoy something much better than toilet wine!

Drink #106: Alabama Slammer

• 0.5 oz Vodka
• 0.5 oz Southern Comfort
• 0.5 oz Amaretto
• Top with Orange Juice
• Splash of Grenadine
• Splash of Sweet & Sour Mix
• Garnish with an Orange Slice and a Maraschino Cherry

Really, if I was sent to prison, I’d probably just do a ton of napping. I’d probably be known as the ‘cat guy’… that is until someone tried to chase my tail and got scratched for doing so!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
It had been a couple years since my last Alabama Slammer and I was quickly reminded of how enjoyable this drink is. I’ve seen other versions of this recipe, but this is the one I was able to pull off with the ingredients I had. Sloe Gin would have been a nice touch, but it just can’t be found in Canada.