February 17 – Voodoo

Posted on February 17, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Randomness

Today is Random Acts of Kindness Day, one of the most underappreciated days of the year. I’ve already won a lifetime achievement award from the Centre of Kindness, although my distinction was not in the area of Random Acts. Here, though, are some of my noteworthy achievements in the field of randomocity:

I once held a door open for people coming in and out of a building for a world record (yet not Canadian record) time.

I educate kids about the magic of the 1980’s – and I’m not just talking about the excess – from a Transformers franchise that Michael Bay had yet to ruin to professional wrestling still being sold as a legitimate competition. I even do a special lecture detailing the wonders of Sir Teddy Ruxpin.

I’ve frequently eaten at McDonalds restaurants over the years. Someone has to keep these struggling enterprises afloat.

Selflessly, I’ve given cats a lap to nap on for many, many years. To their benefit, I’m just about as lazy as they are.

I’ve donated thousands of Mrs. Sip’s books to local bookmobiles (and all without bothering her about it or telling her). It’s not like I had any intention of reading them and I’m tired of her keeping me up at night when she’s really into a series. Plus, clearing them out leaves more shelf space for liquor. Problem is, those books are promptly returned to me when youngsters realize they can’t get these paperbacks transferred onto their E-readers, cell phones or portable gaming devices.

I’ve watched countless hours of pornography as crucial research to help women feel good about their bodies.

Finally, here’s my most recent (and last ever) act of kindness: I made this drink for all of you to enjoy… seriously, if you hold a straw up to whatever device you’re viewing this on, you can have a taste. It’s the greatest advancement since the scratch-and-sniff.

Drink #48: Voodoo

1 oz Malibu Rum
1 oz Kahlua
1 oz Butterscotch schnapps
Top with Milk
Garnish with Coconut Shavings or Chocolate

Since it’s Random Act of Kindness Day, I got this recipe from webtender.com, through their random drink generator. There are other sites out there that include the random recipe feature, including one that gets bonus points for having cats as mixologist mascots. Give them a shot sometime and let me know what they came up with for you!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (5 Sips out of 5):
One word can quickly sum up this drink: delicious! The Butterscotch Schnapps, Kahlua, and Malibu Rum offer three very different flavours that all just seem to meld together well. Any drink with Coconut Shavings is going to get high marks from me!

February 12 – Skor Bar

Posted on February 12, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

He Shoots, He Skors

There are a number of drinks named after popular chocolate bars. Today we enjoy the Skor Bar cocktail and we learn what some of The Sip Advisor’s favourite chocolate treats are:

Chocolate PayDay

The Chocolate PayDay bar has become a unicorn of sorts for myself and Mrs. Sip. We found it once, in a hotel vending machine. It was the last bar of its type in the machine and we’ve never seen it again. It took the classicly awesome PayDay bar – salted peanuts held together by chewy caramel – and covered it with chocolate. Had I not seen the bar with a witness, I’d begin to wonder if my years of drinking were taking a toll on the ol’ noggin.

Wunderbar

The Wunderbar is a favourite shareable for me and the little lady. Hell, she thinks every chocolate bar is a shareable… and don’t even get me started on our long standing McDonalds’ fries dispute (if I knew you were going to eat half of my fries, I would have ordered the larger size!!!). But I digress. I like to accuse her of eating more than her fair share of the chocolate bar and then she leaves me more the next time. It’s the ol’ bait and switch, executed to perfection!

Twix

Twix is another perfect “sharing” bar that brings out the Cookie Monster in me. I hate when chocolate bars are hard to share, like what do you do with the third peanut butter cup (note: in the United States, packages come with two cups, but in Canada, there’s three… yup, we’re better! …never mind the fact that you can probably buy two U.S. 2-packs for the price of one Canadian 3-pack). Obviously, you can break the third cup in half, but then your fingers get all chocolatey and delicious and such. Perfect for wiping on your loved one’s finest clothing.

Snickers

I like the new line of Snickers “you’re not you when you’re hungry” commercials, as it’s always nice to see Joe Pesci in front of the camera again. Mrs. Sip isn’t a fan of Snickers bars, so I get this one all to myself! She doesn’t like Oh Henry!, either, so I bet you can guess which treats are well-stocked at the Sip Advisor offices… that’s right, not these ones. These are the delicacies I hide around the house – toilet tank, recycle bin, among the DVD collection – for when I’m not acting myself.

Toblerone

They were 3-D first and we have to thank them for that. While travelling through Switzerland a handful of years ago, it seemed we were buying Toblerone bars like they were going out of style. When we took the trip up Jungfrau Mountain, we made sure to have this wonderful chocolate on hand, as eating some can actually help you adjust to the altitude. Either that or you need to down some serious wobbly-pops.

Drink #43: Skor Bar Cocktail

Rim glass with Skor bits
1 oz Irish Crème (I used Bailey’s)
1 oz Kahlua (or Frangelico for a twist)
1 oz Butterscotch Schnapps
1 oz Crème de Cacao

Everybody has their favourite chocolate bar… what’s yours? I know it’s a hard choice to narrow down. Maybe it’s easier to pick one you hate. It is Fat Tuesday today, so make sure to enjoy as many bars (chocolate or otherwise), guilt-free, as possible!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
This actually tasted like a Skor Bar. I know that’s how it’s advertised, but sometimes the results don’t match the name. Butterscotch Schnapps and Crème de Cacao make an amazing pair and the Skor Bit rim was a lot of fun, too.

February 6 – After Five

Posted on February 6, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Sloganization

We don’t need any encouragement to crack a bottle of our favourite libation, but these saying can sometimes really get you in the mood:

“It’s five o’clock somewhere”

A favourite saying among the Sip Advisor staff, as we just can’t stand to wait for 5:00pm to hit in our own neck of the woods. Imagine you actually had to wait until 5:00pm in your part of the world to be able to touch alcohol. I can see people with corkscrews and bottle openers at the ready, glasses already filled with ice, as the final seconds tick away from 4:59pm. It would be like New Year’s Eve every single day of the year!

“Sip happens”

You’re damn right it does… every day here at The Sip Advisor! This is the happy version of “shit happens,” which when you’re living downtown and people don’t care where their little pocket dogs poop and walking around is like going through a minefield… shit happens can often lead to sip happens, to restore order to yourself and the world.

“Wine a bit… you’ll feel better”

While I’m not the biggest connoisseur of wine, I can definitely get behind this message. Many of Mr. Sips friends and family sure do wine a lot, but I can’t really blame them with all the liquoring I do. Liquoring, by the way, is a crossbreed between ranting, raging and spitting. They all come together to form this beautiful medley of sound and light.

“Home is where the bar is”

A play off of the phrase, “home is where the heart is,” there’s nothing that warms my heart more than spending time with my home bar. Everything from stocking it, to making drinks for all my little sippers, is a complete joy. It’s the one piece of furniture in our apartment that I have absolutely no qualms about dusting and keeping clean and organized… despite Mrs. Sip’s role as primary dust neutralizer.

“Save water, drink beer” (or replace beer with your bevvy of choice)

An especially important message in places like Mexico, where water should be avoided in almost all situations. I prefer to sub the term ‘anything’ into this slogan: “Save water, drink anything.” On rare occasions, when I’m really feeling it, the motto can even be adapted to read: “Save water, drink EVERYTHING!”

“Have you had your sip today?”

Never heard this one before? That’s cause I just made it up. And soon enough, it will become part of the global lexicon. Together, we can make a difference.

Drink #37: After Five

Rim glass with chocolate sprinkles
1 oz Kahlua
1 oz Irish Crème (I used Carolans)
1 oz Peppermint Schnapps

Do you have your own drinking slogan? Share it with Sip Nation by leaving a comment. The best slogans may appear in a future Sip Advisor post!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
This is your prototypical dessert drink. I’m not sure I can get down that often with Irish Crème. It’s just not among my favourite liqueurs. This cocktail is definitely for the after dinner fans of libations.

February 2 – Groundhog’s Shadow

Posted on February 2, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

My Nightmare

In the 1993 movie Groundhog Day, Bill Murray is forced to repeat the same day over and over again until he gets it right. Here’s a version of that same premise starring everybody’s favourite superhero, The Sip Advisor.

I’m awoken abruptly, voices coming through the thin walls of our resort hotel (I know, a resort hotel isn’t the best setting for a nightmare, but just wait, all will be explained). The clock reads 7:30am and I can never understand why people feel the need to have loud conversations that early in the morning. Seriously, when my wife and I wake up that early on the very rare occasion that we have to, it’s like we communicate in sign language. I motion that I’d like a little morning action, she shoots me down swiftly with a wave of her hand and I’m off to the bathroom to get ready for the day!

Next part of the nightmare: We get to the 24-hour buffet and every food item is out and the staff has no plans to replace them. There are rumours of a revolt, guests storming the kitchens to take whatever they can find. One basket of tortilla chips is brought out and the server is ambushed. I try to get my hands on at least one chip, but my efforts are fruitless. I walk away with multiple chips cuts and the salt stings my wounds. I suffer a black eye as well, as Mrs. Sip Advisor takes the opportunity to get a shot in, probably for all the attempts at morning fun over the years. She doesn’t understand that I would have shared the chip I was fighting for with her.

A news brief comes on the TV informing us that all kittens in the world have been eliminated, thanks to a new worldwide law passed by the pro-dog lobby (actually made up of famous dogs, including Lassie, the ghost of Old Yeller and Eddie from Frasier). I shed a tear, but the worst is yet to come. Yeah, I know what you’re thinking: there could be something worse than no more kitties!?!?

So, no sleeping in, no food, and no kitties, but I’m still not panicking yet. I head over to the bar and, you guessed it, they are all out of liquor!!! There’s not a drop in the house. My pupils dilate, blood pressure rises and I go into fight or flight mode. I’m throwing bartenders into the nearby pool, smashing bottles over my head and squirting lemon and lime juice into guest’s eyes. It’s complete chaos as I go on my rampage.

Finally, I am subdued, thanks to a clubbing blow to the back of the head. When I wake up, it’s 7:30am again and the neighbours are yelling… or are they just having a normal conversation. It’s so hard to tell when you can’t understand what they’re saying.

I am released from the Groundhog Day cycle when I learn to embrace a world with no liquor, early wake-ups, a lack of buffet food and a kitten-less existence. That’s the real nightmare!

Drink #33: Groundhog’s Shadow Shot (a Sip Advisor original creation)

Pour a dollop of chocolate syrup at the bottom of the glass
Stick gummy bear (acting as gummy groundhog) in syrup
1.5 oz Galliano to fill glass

I tried finding a Groundhog Day-themed drink that already existed, but when none satisfied me, I made my own. Sounds like a euphemism for most people’s sex lives. The chocolate syrup is the earth, the groundhog’s home and the Galliano is the sun greeting the little critter, encouraging him to rise to the surface. The gummy bear is the tiny fella sticking his nose above ground to meet the brand new day.

Did he see his shadow, causing him to retreat to his underground dwelling and making humans believe they will have to suffer through six more weeks of winter? Or did he stay above the surface, signaling an early spring to come. With this shot, we’ll never really find out, so that means eternal winter… kind of like Game of Thrones! Awesome, drinking with Tyrion Lannister!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (2.5 Sips out of 5):
Where to begin with breaking down this drink? I tried a couple different mixes and ways to get that damn gummy bear to look decent and kept on getting tripped up by various issues. The Galliano make-up of the shooter might have completely saved it.

January 29 – West Coast Paralyzer

Posted on January 29, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

The Best Coast

West coast born, west coast bred… and when the time comes, west coast dead.

I love being from the west coast. We’re more laid back, have milder weather (in both summer and winter), and in my very unbiased opinion, are just generally more awesome. Here are some other things we do better than our eastern contemporaries:

The alcohol is better on our side of the continent, with awesome microbreweries (Granville Island, 21st Amendment) all along the coast and some undeniably fantastic wine regions (Napa Valley, Okanagan, Hood River).

The east may kick our ass when it comes to storms, but we definitely thump them in the natural disaster category with our epic earthquakes and just wait for the inevitable big one we’re always being warned about. The tsunami alone will blow your freakin’ mind (thank god that us Vancouverites will have Vancouver Island acting as a natural buffer during that one!).

We also have grown-up Disneyland (aka Las Vegas) near enough to the West Coast (two-hour flight from Vancouver), which Trumps Atlantic City, beyond a shadow of a doubt. See what I did there… Donald Trump has largely developed Atlantic City… another thing west-coasters are better at: being clever… and not associating with Donald Trump.

Speaking of Disneyland, we have the better Disney theme park… Disneyland is much more manageable than Disneyworld and has less motorized scooters and 6-10 year olds in double-wide strollers (seriously, do NOT get me started on all the elementary school children in strollers I saw at Disneyworld, it’s like America officially said “Fuck it, we give up!”).

We’re at the forefront of legalizing marijuana, with Washington State having already passed referendums to make it legal and places like B.C. having largely decriminalized the drug. It’s not my drug of choice (it’s pretty easy to guess what is), but I’m all for my little sippers having easier access to a little bit of Mary Jane.

People go west to become stars (porn or otherwise)… they go east to die.

I have it on good authority, as my sources tell me, that we’re better at sex here on the left side of the map. I have statistical data on this fact… I’m just having trouble finding it at the moment.

We’re just made tougher on the west coast: Not that I’m condoning violence of any type, but it did take two attempts for 2Pac to be killed and only one for Notorious B.I.G. Just saying… (I hope I don’t resurrect the west vs. east rap wars with this post, as I do hold that much power).

And finally, my greatest pieces of evidence: Jersey Shore, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and Real Housewives of New Jersey, among other television shows that I would rather stick a fork in my eye than watch, all come from the east. ‘Nuff said! Case closed!

Drink #29: West Coast Paralyzer

1 oz Tequila
1 oz Kahlua
Top with Milk and Root Beer
Garnish with a Maraschino Cherry

This recipe differs from the normal Paralyzer in that vodka is removed and cola is replaced by root beer, completely changing the flavour of the drink… for the better, might I add. The cocktail tastes like a Root Beer Float, by and large and is very enjoyable, perhaps best served as an after dinner dessert.

Now that I’ve locked the east coast into my deadly finishing maneuver, all I have to wait for is the tap-out. There it is, ring the bell!

Sip Adviosr Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
While I could have tried the original version of this cocktail, the West Coast theme (ie. Removing Vodka and swapping Cola with Root Beer) appealed to me more. It’s virtually unnoticeable, but I sprinkled some vanilla powdering onto the drink to give it an added dimension.

January 23 – Brave Bull

Posted on January 23, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Coffee Confessions

I know I’m going to catch a fair bit of flak for this, but I absolutely hate coffee. To me, it’s a vile substance. Here’s a quick list of items I would rather drink:

Laundry detergent
The blue dye they use in tampon commercials… after it’s been used in a tampon commercial
Major city puddle water
A turkey milkshake

You get the point, I have an anti-coffee agenda…

I like to note the different types of coffee drinkers and have taken time to observe them at the office in which I work. The first is the repeat offender. These are the coffee drinkers who I am unsure if they really love drinking the tasteless muck so much or if they have just made some higher sacrifice in order to enjoy the additional breaks that seem to come along with “quick” coffee runs… about 10 times per day. It’s like how people used to smoke just to get more break time. Repeat offenders are the coffee drinkers, who somehow can’t manage the 15 or so steps that it would take them to come to the front desk and pick up their faxes, but have no problem breezing by that same front desk multiple times a day in order to get their precious java. They will be the first to suggest going on a “Starbucks run” for fellow co-workers. You know who I’m talking about!

Then there is the junkie coffee drinker. The ones that might as well be intravenously connected to a coffee drip 24/7. These are the folks that CAN’T LIVE without a coffee by their side every moment of the day. The true addict. The other day, I overheard one co-worker remark that Starbucks should make deliveries. While she might make a valid point and it may be a concept the company has or will experiment with, you have to realize that the nearest Starbucks to my office is on the opposite corner of the block we’re located on. You’re telling me that you can’t walk less than a block for your hourly fix, just to get you through the day!? I realize this could potentially cause a brief delay between re-fills. Re-friggin’-diculous!

One of those ‘junkie’ coffee drinkers!

Finally, there is the only-on-a-date coffee drinker. The guy who hates the substance about as much as I do, but gets convinced that he has to take a new date out to coffee and ‘get to know her’ before she’ll finally get into bed with him. Where this poor sap really gets screwed over (and I don’t mean in the bed) is that he’ll likely have to buy BOTH drinks… and still not get laid!

Personally, I don’t even like being in Starbucks. I just feel uncomfortable, as if I don’t belong… and everyone there knows it. And I probably don’t. The most complicated thing I’ve ever ordered in the store is a hot chocolate. I can’t imagine having to memorize some bizarre order like a tall, non-fat, chai tea latte, easy on the chai (okay I’ve memorized that one because it’s Mrs. Sip Advisor’s order) or other bizarre orders: “I’ll have one permanent dump truck, tears from a newborn baby, easy on the gravel, with a sprinkle of cinnamon (okay, I might have made that one up… I’m pretty sure it would just translate into “one regular coffee, please”)!

I have only had one coffee drink in my life. It was on our honeymoon cruise and our waiter – who didn’t speak the best English – was so excited in describing the 2-for-1 Irish Coffee deal that before we could even decline, he had run off to put in an order. Our drinks arrived and while the presentation was cool, with a flaming sugar cube added to the mix, it still tasted like death in a cup to me. Not even alcohol could save this colossal failure. We still gulped down our bevvies, as we had paid for them, and for the rest of the night I couldn’t get the taste of yuck out of my mouth, no matter how hard I tried to drown it with other spirits.

So, I bet you’re asking what I do drink to get me through the day: water. Nothing but pure, delicious water. And then when I get home, it’s more water (that and booze and mixers for this project… and booze also not for this project). It’s just how I roll.

All that said, you may be shocked to know that I do give liqueurs like Kahlua a pass… and speak of the devil.

Drink #23: Brave Bull

1.5 oz Tequila (I used 1800 Añejo)
1 oz Kahlua
Garnish with a Lemon Twist

This is the fun of Tequila Week, as I get to try drinks I normally wouldn’t. Diamonds in the rough that perhaps most people haven’t heard about. I actually quite enjoyed this one, despite it’s coffee liqueur. I also want to point out that this was my first attempt at making a lemon twist (or any twist other than the Beatles “Twist and Shout”) and I think I did a pretty good job (not that you can see it from the photo, you’ll just have to take my word for it). If you make this drink for yourself, let me know what you thought. Non-coffee drinkers only!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
This was actually a pretty decent cocktail, despite my anti-coffee stance. It provided my first attempt at a “twist” garnish and while it looks okay, it’s a skill I will have to improve at. While I wouldn’t drink these on a regular basis, from time to time, they might hit the spot.

January 7 – Whipped White Russian

Posted on January 7, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Just Pucking Around

I hear ya, boys!

With the NHL lockout coming to an end early yesterday, hockey has been on my mind. Coincidentally, I had the Whipped White Russian on my schedule for today, although given Russia’s recent victory over Canada at the World Junior Hockey Tournament – stopping Canada’s streak of bringing home a medal at the competition at 14 years in a row – perhaps it should be called a Whipped White Canadian! Wouldn’t that be Howie Mandel, though?

I’m pumped to have hockey coming back, even if I didn’t necessarily miss it while it was gone. There have been many nights where the inclusion of a hockey game (be it Hockey Night in Canada or another broadcast) would have been a stellar addition to my drinking exploits. Best of all, this saves me from having to find another sport to really get into, although I had hopes that roller derby would return to TV. No, really, the best thing about the lockout ending is that all the pundits will have to talk about something else and we can all finally move on from terms like HRR, decertification, disclaimers of interest and Gary Bettman.

I’m just happy to hear it will be returning to a rink near me very soon and now it’s onto the celebration. Cue up Kool and the Gang!

Drink #7: Whipped White Russian

Rim glass with chocolate sprinkles
1 oz Chocolate Whipped Vodka or other vodka
1 oz Kahlua
Top with milk

So, to all my friends out there that have a passion for puck – I said puck… and it wasn’t a typo – enjoy the season ahead and make sure to get cozy on the couch with one of these bad boys! GO CANUCKS GO!!!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I like White Russians, but this is the first time I ever used Chocolate Whipped Vodka in one and that made the experience that much better. A Chocolate Sprinkle rim and this dessert drink just got that much better!

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