July 18 – Rasputin Cocktail

Posted on July 18, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Idol Worship

Throughout my life, I have found myself fascinated by certain individuals. People whose life stories intrigue me and make me want to actually “learn” more about them and their history. I wouldn’t say that these people are idols of mine, but they are extremely interesting folks, with tales that tend to captivate the masses.

Steve Jobs

While I’m not the biggest fan of Apple and its products (seriously, how annoying is the iTunes interface and non-compatibility?), I find Steve Jobs, the company’s founder and later saviour, to be a captivating case study. He lived a short life, but made the most of his time on earth. We can credit Jobs with so many innovations, from home computers, virtually every device with an ‘i’ in front of it, and even Pixar movies, the company he grew between his Apple stints.

Walt Disney

As a massive fan of Disneyland, I pay much homage to the man who first imagined the concept and then put his dream into work, jeopardizing everything he had built to that point, from reputation to life savings to his studio to his physical well-being. Every time I’m privileged to be in one of his parks (and particularly one that serves alcohol), I’m sure to say a little thanks to the legend and have a drink in his honour.

Ric Flair

For those who read my blog regularly, by now you should know that no Sip Adivsor list would be complete without a wrestling reference. This man styled and profiled his way to wrestling greatness and in the process lived the extravagant lifestyle of his on-screen character. Flair has been married (and divorced) four times and suffered great financial losses from bad investments, legal issues, and a lifetime of partying. Still, the ‘Nature Boy’ keeps ticking, making occasional appearances in the ring and still delighting fans with his over-the-top charisma and energy.

Rasputin

The amazing story of the assassination of Grigori Rasputin is one that first caught my attention in my high school history class. Now that I’ve actually visited Russia and been inside the room where his murder took place, I’m even more enthralled with the legend. For those who don’t know the details, Rasputin was poisoned, shot, stabbed and beaten, before being thrown into the frozen Neva River. Evidence later showed that water was in his lungs when his body was discovered, meaning he was still alive when thrown into his watery grave and likely succumbed to drowning.

Jimmy Stewart

Did you know that the It’s a Wonderful Life star was also a highly-decorated United States military pilot (the only actor to receive a higher ranking was Ronald Reagan, when he became president of the United States and commander-in-chief)? So, not only is Stewart one of my favourite actors, but you have to respect a guy that went to war throughout an acclaimed acting career.

Drink #199: Rasputin Cocktail

2 oz Russian Vodka (I used Beluga)
1 oz Frangelico
Garnish with Lemon Twist

One more person who fascinates me, is myself. I often ponder my own existence and I’m blown away with what I’ve accomplished and continue to achieve. I’m a wrecking ball of awesomeness, steamrolling the lame, and making this world a better place, one cocktail at a time!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
I didn’t think I’d like this cocktail as much as I did. The Frangelico was nice and not overwhelming. I split half of the Vodka portion of the recipe between Plain Vodka and Raspberry Vodka and that accentuated the entire cocktail.

July 17 – Gambon’s Corner

Posted on July 17, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Are You Being Served?

Perhaps it’s my old age, but I’ve found myself increasingly becoming a bit of a stickler for high standards… providing I’m not expected to deliver them! With that in mind, here are the most annoying things about bars:

Troubles Waiting to be Served

It absolutely sucks when you feel that you’re constantly being passed over by the bar staff, in favour of girls who are falling out of their tops and douche bags that are pushy and demanding to be helped. I understand that the bar can get busy, but that’s why queues of any sort should be established. I like the bars where servers work one general area, allowing orders to be processed in a logistical fashion.

Nowhere for Coats

Obviously, this isn’t a big deal during the summer, but I don’t discriminate over seasonal drinking, so it sucks to walk into a bar that only features stools so that you have to throw your coat over your lap or sit on it. I’ve noticed that some joints actually have hooks underneath tables and ledges, allowing you to discard your jacket or other layered paraphernalia.

Lineup outside, Empty Inside

This is a dirty little trick businesses use to drum up business, making it appear like their place is so rocking that people are lining up around the block for the privilege of getting inside. Then, when you do get in, you find the bar, dance floor, etc. to be deserted and you wonder why you ever had to wait to get in at all. Luckily I refuse to wait in line to drink. Why overpay for cocktails I can make myself and waste my time in line when my personal bar is so much better?

Bars that Don’t Announce Last Call

Ever go up to purchase what you think will be your last drink of the evening (at least at the bar… night caps at home are always on the agenda!) and the barkeep informs you that last call has already passed? Well, excuse me… oh no he didn’t… you see, the announcement of last call must be audible to all in attendance and if your establishment is too loud for that (more on that subject later), you should have some sort of bell to impart that wisdom. Otherwise, serve me my god damn drink!

Sticky Floors

When you walk around a bar and you constantly have to pry your feet from the floor, it makes you start to wonder if the hygiene behind the bar matches. How clean is the glassware, the garnishes, the taps, everything? I’m not complaining about a small patch where some jackass just spilled his entire Jager Bomb, but the kind of pub where every step is like Velcro being pulled apart.

People Taking Large Tables for Small Groups

As much as it sucks to walk into a bar and not be able to find a seat, I can live with that (after all, first come, first served), providing people are at tables fit for their party. I understand that grabbing any table that opens up is a huge score, especially if you’ve been waiting a while, but to see two people occupying a table meant for six or eight customers can really be heartbreaking.

Loud/Bad Music

I hate going to places where I can’t converse with Mrs. Sip or any of the friends we may be out with. What’s the point! If we wanted to sit there and listen to music we have no control over, yelling at each other to be heard, and paying for expensive drinks, we should just go to my house. You can donate to the Sip Foundation, while I blast a random iPod, and yell at people about my grievances!

Gross Bathrooms

Given most bars are trying to encourage your appetite for either food, booze, or both, it’s amazing how many places have disgusting bathrooms. Granted, the people drinking in the establishment are really to blame for the mess, but a little regular upkeep will have customers returning to their tables still in the mood for beer and poutine. Mmmm, beer and poutine!

Unisex Bathrooms

Sticking with washroom issues (no, not that kind of issue), whoever dreamt up this idea was a total fool. Guys go the bathroom to get away from the ladies. Otherwise we’d be as rude as we wanted in their presence. And no girl wants to share a bathroom with a dude. They want to keep all their secrets to themselves. Plus, guys love that they never have to wait in line and laugh at the winding queue that usually builds outside the ladies room.

Obnoxious Drunks

We’ve all been there and it’s not a bar’s fault, unless they haven’t done their job to stop serving some twerp, but an obnoxious drunk can be the last straw on whether you stay at a pub or move on to another place. It’s bad when that obnoxious drunk is in your group and they follow you around to every joint you try to hit. Worst yet, if that obnoxious drunk is you, you’ll never be able to escape…

Drink #198: Gambon’s Corner

1.5 oz Tequila (I used 1800 Reposado)
Top with Watermelon Juice
Splash of Lemon Juice
Dashes of Orange Bitters

This drink comes from the Be At One menu I liberated, while on vacation in London recently. It was in this wonderful bar where I first concocted the idea for this post, noting that many other pubs I had visited just couldn’t compare. What draws you ire when you’re out and about town looking for the love of your life, sweet lady liquor!?

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I wasn’t sure where to rank this drink. Then I added a little Simple Syrup to the mix to combat how strong the Tequila and Lemon Juice were and we had a hit. For those wondering where the name for this cocktail comes from, that mystery has now been solved thanks to a little research. It is named after Sir Michael Gambon, who completed a Top Gear test track corner (now named in his honour) on only two wheels!

July 10 – Snickertini

Posted on July 10, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Chocolate on My Mind

Chocolate bars are enticing enough on their own, but a good slogan can really grab your attention and steer you towards that product in particular. Here are some of the best chocolate bar catchphrases:

M&M’s – “Melts in your mouth, not in your hands!”

A great slogan that has also been lampooned in many sexual contexts, as civilization becomes filthier with each passing day. While I’m a Smarties man myself, when it comes to the milk chocolate varieties between the two companies I like that M&M’s has gone on to experiment and make a number of different flavour options. M&M Peanuts and M&M Pretzels have to be among my preferred chocolate adaptations.

Butterfinger – “Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger!”

This catchphrase dates back to when Bart Simpson was the spokesperson for the treat. Commercials usually featured Homer trying to enjoy the chocolate bar, only for things to go tragically wrong for the poor lug. When the contract between the show and Butterfinger was terminated, The Simpsons writers took a few shots at the chocolate bar, including it not being flammable, with Chief Wiggum stating, “Even the fire doesn’t want them.”

Twix – “Two for me, none for you!”

Somehow, Mrs. Sip never got the memo Twix was sending out, as she always thinks the two bars are perfect to split. To that, I say “Only on date nights!” The other 364 days of the year, both bars better be going down my gullet. There’s just something about chocolate, caramel and cookie that work together so perfectly and keep me coming back for more.

Snickers – “Hungry? Why wait?” / “You’re not you when you’re hungry…”

Snickers is one of my favourite chocolate bars (hence the push for today’s martini) and the company has also put out some solid ads. I particularly like the “You’re not you when you’re hungry …” campaign, which has featured Joe Pesci, Bobcat Goldthwait and Robin Williams, among others. I’ve even eaten a Snickers bar with a fork and knife, first shown on Seinfeld… it’s the only way to truly enjoy it!

Kit Kat – “Have a break, have a Kit Kat.” / “Gimme a break!”

According to Mrs. Sip, this is another treat that’s perfect for sharing… just like McDonalds fries, beer, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, etc. She’s a freakin’ mooch is what she is. I get my revenge, though, when I inform her that she is in fact perfect for sharing and if she wants anymore of my god damn Kit Kat, she better be willing to even things up on her end!

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups – “There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s!”

I’m pretty sure I could find a couple ways, actually! Did they consider things like eating while upside down, which would certainly a choking risk? How about while swimming, getting chocolate and peanut butter contamination in the pool? On the toilet doesn’t seem very hygienic, either. And I won’t even delve into the dirty part of my mind, which sadly takes up over 80% of me noggin’.

Mars – “A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play.”

It also helps diabetes come visit a little sooner than originally expected! I guess if you’re actually following the work, rest, and play mantra you might be okay with a chocolate bar each day, but wouldn’t you want some variety mixed in there? Granted, Mars is a pretty decent treat, but I wouldn’t want to commit all my resources to one basket. I’m a man of simple, but varied pleasures!

Oh Henry! – “Oh hungry? Oh Henry!”

Nobody knows exactly where the chocolate bar’s name came from, but it has featured in everything from the All in the Family TV series, to being thrown on the field every time slugger Henry Rodriguez hit a homerun. When I am hungry and craving a snack, Oh Henry is one of my desired chocolate bars, thanks to its blend of peanuts, caramel and nougat.

Drink #191: Snickertini

Decorate glass with Caramel Syrup
1.5 oz Vodka
0.5 oz Bailey’s Irish Crème
0.5 oz Chocolate Liqueur
0.5 oz Amaretto
Splash of Milk
Garnish with Snickers Stir Stick

As much as I enjoy chocolate bars, I have to say that drinking them also satisfies my sweet tooth. Give it a shot next time you’re craving a bar and see if it works in quelling the uprising in your stomach!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
This martini is decent, but some sips can be strong. The full Snickers bar bumps it up the extra .5 point, even if Mrs. Sip didn’t want me to plunk it into the cocktail. If you’re going to try the Caramel Syrup spiral, make sure you have a bottle of the stuff that can actually get into the glass! Thanks to some improvisation we got something that looked photogenic enough, despite our bottle issue.

July 9 – Woo Woo

Posted on July 9, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Things That Make You Go Woo

While I’m not one to show my emotions easily, there are many things in my life that bring out an emotional charge in me that few ever knew existed. Here are the things that make me (and I’m sure many others) go woo!

Shots & Shooters

You had to figure that the Sip Advisor gets his motor running with alcohol. And nothing beats slamming back something hard like whiskey or tequila and shouting out a resounding woo as your face goes fuzzy and you ride the burn of the liquid shredding past your throat and down your esophagus. Might as well load up another round… the party is just getting started!

Beautiful Women

When I see Mrs. Sip dressed up in anything from her sexy business attire to nothing at all, I may have to mutter it under my breath, so as not to cause a public disturbance, but you can bet her sweet ass that I’m going woo-woo-woo, as my mind spins and the salivary glands completely disregard the information my brain has passed on to them.

Ric Flair

The venerable wrestler has long had the catchphrase of simply shouting “Woooooooooo” and having the crowd echo it back to him. Every time he would chop an opponent across the chest, the fans would shout in unison along with the sick sound of slapping skin, all the while watching the victim’s chest turn red with welts. Flair’s catchphrase has even been adopted by a number of sports teams, being played following a goal or other scored point.

Rollercoasters

One of the greatest thrills for me is going over the apex of the first drop on a rollercoaster and falling at blazing speeds, screaming at the top of your lungs and preparing to do it again on the next descent. Everything from my first coaster, Montezuma’s Revenge at Knott’s Berry Farm to my all-time favourite, Space Mountain at the Disney parks is good reason to damage your voice box.

I hope they saved me a seat!

Bungee Jumping

When you step up to the edge of the platform and you feel the chord that’s supposed to support you drop into the open air below, you get a sense of what your body is about to do. There’s no turning back, though. Just jump, spread your wings and fly, all the while screaming as you plummet towards the earth below! That free-fall feeling is almost euphoric… providing you’re not afraid of heights! Whoo hoo!

Sports Triumphs

Being from Vancouver, Canada, we haven’t had many of these (40-plus years of hockey futility, mixed with losing our NBA and NLL franchises), but even if you’re live at the stadium, a big goal can lift you to your feet and have you high-fiving complete strangers in an instant. We did have the 2011 run to the Stanley Cup Finals and although it ended with disappointment (and a riot), the ride was absolutely fantastic!

Drink #190: Woo Woo

1 oz Vodka
0.5 oz Peach Schnapps
Top with Cranberry Juice
Garnish with a Lime Wheel

What makes you go “woo”? It’s okay if it’s something weird like bird watching or gardening. To each their own, I always say.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
For some reason, Peach Schnapps and Cranberry Juice go so well together. It’s a nice mix of sweet and tart and the top shelf Vodka certainly helps. It also comes Mrs. Sip approved!

July 2 – Journalist Cocktail

Posted on July 2, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Journalistically Yours

Did you know that the Sip Advisor is actually a trained journalist, specializing in the field of sports writing? Well, today just happens to be World Sports Journalists Day. With that in mind, let’s take a look at some of the best fictional anchors, correspondents, and news teams!

Ron Burgundy & Channel 4 News Team – Anchorman

Ron Burgundy and the gang are a ratings sensation, which doesn’t please their rivals at Channel 2, especially fellow anchor Wes Mantooth. Aside from competition, Burgundy and company also have trouble in the form of women entering the news game and wanting their fair share of screen time and top stories. I can’t wait for the Anchorman sequel to come out and for so many new catchphrases to become part of the pop culture lexicon.

Will McAvoy & News Night Staff – The Newsroom

Mrs. Sip and I have just started watching this series and while I find all the yelling at each other and “I love my job so much I’m going to cry” looks very tiring, it’s a great program with amazing writing and characters you can actually root for (unlike another show that shall not be named because I refuse to have it linked in any way to these awesome “journalists”). The second season begins in just a couple weeks and we find ourselves learning more about the world through fiction than we do through, well…the actual news!

Channel 5 News Team – Family Guy

Led by anchor Tom Tucker and his wonderful mustache, the newscast also featured co-anchor Diane Simmons (until she snapped and tried to kill half the town’s residents), angry weatherman Ollie Williams, and token Asian reporter Tricia Takanawa. Tucker is the heart and soul of this team, though, and it’s always fun seeing him report on the absurd news that occurs in Quahog.

Stephen Colbert – The Colbert Report

Yes, Stephen Colbert is a real person, but his persona while delivering the news is completely fabricated… or at least we all hope it is! The super conservative’s take on world events highlights how insane some people’s view of the world can actually be. While I don’t watch The Colbert Report or Daily Show much anymore, I respect both Colbert and Jon Stewart for their work in becoming more trusted than actual newsmen.

FYI Team – Murphy Brown

Featuring hard-hitting reporter Murphy Brown, the FYI program, based in Washington, D.C., does a top job on covering the American capital. Brown is joined by anchor Jim Dial, investigative journalist Frank Fontana, media darling Corky Sherwood, and executive produced Miles Silverberg. The show was known for taking many of their storylines straight from the real headlines. When not on the set, the FYI crew could often be found at their local watering hole, Phil’s, and that I can get down with!

Kent Brockman & Channel 6 News Team – The Simpsons

Springfield’s resident journalist, Kent Brockman, is a trusted source within the community, even if he does have a spotty news record. His feud with traffic reporter Arnie Pye has led to on-air arguments between the two, which is about as professional as you’d expect a person from Springfield to be. Brockman also hosts other programs, such as Eye on Springfield, Smartline, and even game show Springfield Squares. His segment ‘My Two Cents’ is a highlight of most broadcasts.

The Lone Gunmen – X-Files

This troupe of nerd conspiracy theorists and magazine publishers has investigated some of the world’s greatest mysteries. Because of the nature of their examinations, they choose to remain underground and out of the public eye. Sadly, their spinoff show lasted only 13 episodes. While I never really watched the X-Files, I was interested in The Lone Gunmen because conspiracy theories are interesting to consider, while aliens bore me. Stunningly, the show’s pilot episode featured an attack on the World Trade Centre by hijacked planes six months before the actual 9/11 tragedy.

Weekend Update – Saturday Night Live

Whether you think of the original host, Chevy Chase, or the current presenter, Seth Meyers, Saturday Night Live has had a long run of comedians riffing on the news in what is often the show’s best segment. It’s hard to pick my favourite anchor or team among all the candidates, but I enjoyed Jane Curtain’s pairing with Dan Aykroyd, as well as the all-female duo of Tina Fey and Amy Poehler.

Drink #183: Journalist Cocktail

1.5 oz Gin (I used Hendrick’s)
0.5 oz Sweet Vermouth
0.5 oz Dry Vermouth
Splash of Triple Sec
Splash of Lemon Juice
Dash of Orange Bitters
Garnish with Lemon Wheel and Pen

This was a hard list to narrow down, as it seems every show has a news element to help forward storyline and such. I even had to cut Sesame Street’s resident journalist, Kermit the Frog!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I like this cocktail, despite my sometimes negative feelings about Vermouths. All the ingredients went well together and none were overwhelming in the recipe. The Hendick’s Gin was a nice touch.

July 1 – Red Maple Sunset

Posted on July 1, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Welcome to Canada

To celebrate Canada Day (my home and native land) I decided to take a look at the pros and cons of this country’s make-up. Why bother looking at what needs improvement, you ask? Well, I feel we should all be always striving to better ourselves and I expect no less from my country. That, and I’m a massive jerk, who likes to rant about things that displease me. On with the ranting!

Pro: Hockey

If you are ever in need of defining what an athlete should be, look no further than a hockey player, preferably of the Canadian variety. There, you will see true glimpses of sportsmanship, humbleness, work ethic, ruggedness, and manliocity. Think of icons like Steve Yzerman, Joe Sakic, Gordie Howe, and ‘The Great One’ Wayne Gretzky.

Con: Expensive Alcohol

Do you know how much easier this 365-day liquor challenge would be if I lived in almost any other country, rather than Canada. Even Canadian manufactured products are ridiculously priced. Whenever Mrs. Sip and I travel south of the border, we make sure to grab a ton of booze because it is just so much more reasonably priced. Sadly, we have limits on what we can bring back and as a law-abiding citizen, I actually follow these allotments… for the most part!

Pro: Good People

Canada has a reputation for its citizens being overly nice and helpful population. This standing is well-earned and as a fictional leader of this great land, I must say that I’m proud of our people and the work we all do to not only make our home a better place, but to welcome strangers from foreign lands.

Con: No Dill Pickle Round Slices

There are a lot of products that I can’t find in Canada, that are available south of the border (in fact, I wrote an entire article about this phenomenon). But one that absolutely flummoxes me is the absence of dill pickles in round slices. If it can be done for sweet pickles, why not dill? Clearly dill pickles can be sliced, but all I ever see is the elongated variety. It has driven me to become an ex-pat of this great nation and must be rectified.

Pro: Beautiful Women

I can say with full conviction that Canada has to have the most beautiful women in the universe. A long walk on a glorious summer day – with dark shades fully ensconced on my noggin’ – is an absolute treat with all the eye candy available to every red-blooded male. Sadly, that beauty gets hidden away during the cold winter months, when everyone is bundling up in toques, scarfs, and jackets, but it’s all worth it again on that first patio-suitable day of spring.

Con: Inclement Weather

As mentioned above, it can get cold and nasty during the winter, up here in the Great White North. Even here in Vancouver, where we have much more mild temperatures, we live in an urban rainforest where we get drenched by buckets of cold rain every year. I know we’re not alone in the not-so-nice weather department, but that doesn’t mean I can’t bitch about it. On the bright side, if you like to ski (or just enjoy watching snow bunnies), we’ve got you covered!

Pro: Strip Clubs with Alcohol

Imagine my shock when my crew saddled up to a strip club in Seattle, Washington for my stag last year and were told that we had a choice: either see naked ladies or keep drinking. Before my friends could answer, I’d already left the lobby, en route to the next liquor establishment. Truth be told, I’m not a strip club regular, but if I do go, I want to be able to have an overpriced brew or cocktail while a young lady makes love to a pole!

Con: No Singles ($1 bills)

How are you supposed to get your money’s worth at the strip club!? The smallest denomination you can tuck into a dancer’s G-string is a fiver. That means you can go through a lot of money in very little time. And don’t even think about making it rain. A small wad of fives, tens, and twenties will pale in comparison to a massive wad of American ones. I guess you could take a jar full of loonies and toonies and toss it into the air and do some serious damage!

Drink #182: Red Maple Sunset

1 oz Campari
1 oz Maple Syrup
Top with Lemon Juice
Splash of Egg Whites
Garnish with Canadian Flag

So, happy birthday Canada! I hope you get all the gifts you’ve wanted and that your next year is as fabulous as the last!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
This was my first opportunity to play around with not only Campari, but also Maple Syrup. The drink was a nice mix of sweet and bitter, as the Campari has a fruity taste, with a bitter finish. The Maple Syrup actually worked well with the cocktail, which was a pleasant surprise given it’s a bit of an odd ingredient.

June 30 – Flamingo

Posted on June 30, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Only a Mother Could Love

I’m not a big fan of flamingoes. I think they look weird and smell ever worse. I do like the hotel in Las Vegas, however, home to many Mr. and Mrs. Sip adventures, but I digress. Here is a quick look at some of earth’s other weird, odd, and not-so-attractive wildlife:

Vulture

The vulture is so ugly that they make the perfect villain. Add that to the fact that they scavenge prey that is hurt or sick and eat dead flesh (even letting other animals go first to make their job easier) and you really have one nasty bird. If their eating habits weren’t bad enough, vultures are known to vomit when approached or threatened. Can it get any worse? Of course it can. Vultures urinate down their own legs to kill bacteria from all the carcasses they wade through and also to cool themselves.

Camel

They spit at people because they know they’re ugly and won’t ever be able to repair their image. Camels aren’t even easy to ride on thanks to their humps, their humps, their lovely lady lumps. I would know. Sure they can survive forever in the desert without water and other amenities, but so can sand and I hate that, too. Apparently eating a camel’s hump is considered a delicacy in some parts of the world (you know, the crazy ones) and I’m not sure I could stomach it.

Turkey

These creatures are lucky they’re delicious, or else we would have made sure they went extinct years ago. What’s with the whole bug-eyed giblet look? It’s like they’re not even trying and have made peace with the fact that they look best cooked and served at Thanksgiving or Christmas. At least they have some self-worth, I suppose. I hope the one that is saved every year by the American president enjoys its temporary safety… for now!

Aye-Aye

These bat-rodent crossbreeds are apparently killed on the spot by natives in Madagascar, as they’re viewed as bad omens. Take one look and you can kind of understand why someone may think the little oddity brings bad luck. While I’m completely against animal cruelty, I have to admit that the Aye-Aye is one creepy looking being. As a general nuisance, myself, I kind of have a soft spot for these little freaks, who villagers believe can puncture a victim’s aorta with their little fingers.

Star-Nosed Mole

While regular moles don’t look half bad, the star-nosed mole just looks odd thanks to its tentacle-like nose, which helps the blind as a bat animal do everything it needs to, like see, taste, touch, etc. Thankfully, this isn’t the type of mole depicted in my beloved Wind and the Willows, as I don’t think Ratty would want to live with a star-nosed mole and it certainly wouldn’t be welcome at the prestigious Toad Hall.

Soft-Shell Turtle

I’d rather be viewing soft-serve ice cream than a soft-shell turtle and here’s a little TMI: these turtles pee through their mouth! While your normal everyday turtle can also have its critics, at least we’ve turned them into the loveable Teenage Mutant variety, causing a generation of kids to ask their parents for a turtle, only to find out it doesn’t eat pizza and whip out catch phrases like “radical”, “gnarly”, and “cowabunga”!

Blobfish

What a nightmare this creature is. It looks like a slug with a bitter beer face. If Jabba the Hut was ever to be a real living being, this would be it. All it does is float around and eat whatever is right in front of it and happens to get swallowed. I can respect an animal that works hard and catches its own food. One that doesn’t do much of anything will have to work harder for my endorsement.

Proboscis Monkey

While I hate to put any monkey on this list, I just can’t let this species slide under the radar. It demeans all other primates if I don’t out them. The schnoz on these beasts is pretty epic. It looks like a giant yam, except you wouldn’t be able to get yummy fries out of it. The proboscis monkey does have a wild sex life, but unfortunately isn’t very long-lasting, another mark against it.

Naked Mole Rat

And the mole makes the list twice… well done genus… or is it phylum? Ah, who cares! I normally love hearing the word ‘naked’, but in this case, all I can do is close my eyes and shed a tear. Why didn’t anybody ever tell this creature to put its clothes back on? Perhaps if it ran around wearing a miniature Hawaiian shirt and khakis it wouldn’t be so bad to look at. Add some shades and you might even have a loveable creature.

Monkfish

I can’t believe these things are actually edible and their tail meat has been compared to that of the uber-delicious lobster. It has even been dubbed “the poor man’s lobster”, but can sometimes command market prices equal or even higher than lobster. All this talk about lobster has got me all hungry. Then I take another look at the monkfish photo and adios appetite.

Drink #181: Flamingo

1.5 oz Gin (I used Tanqueray)
0.5 oz Apricot Brandy
Dash of Lime Juice
Splash of Grenadine
Garnish with a Flamingo Stir Stick & Lime Wedge

After viewing all that ugly, I have to flip through cute kitten memes before bed, just to make sure I don’t have any nightmares. Here’s a site I suggest for some happy viewing. Thanks for reading!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
There is also a Flamingo recipe that consists of Vodka, Triple Sec, Peach Schnapps, and Cranberry Juice, as well as a blend that involves Apple Schnapps, Melon Liqueur and Cranberry Juice. Why there are so many different Flamingo drinks, we may never know. This drink has a little of everything. It’s sweet with the Apricot Brandy and Grenadine, sour with the Lime Juice and bitter with the Tanqueray Gin. The taste is complex, but it works and you can’t say anything bad about the colour that results from the ingredients mixing.

June 5 – Asian Mist

Posted on June 5, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Spit Roast

I’m not sure if this is where the drink gets its name, but it’s a common gimmick in wrestling for a Japanese grappler – Great Kabuki, Great Muta, Killer Khan, Yoshihiro Tajiri, Kwang, and the list of foreign baddies goes on and on – to spit “Asian Mist” in their opponent’s eyes. The act is so common that the different-coloured mists even have diverse “effects”. Green blinds temporarily, red burns, black blinds for prolonged periods, blue puts rival’s to sleep, yellow paralyzes, and purple causes memory loss… only in the crazy world of wrestling! Here are some other well-known spitters:

Acid Reflux

In the Mortal Kombat game franchise, the character of Reptile can spit poisonous venom at his opponent – “forward, forward, A”– was the move combo, I believe. Reptile was one of my favourite characters to use in the game because of his bad ass ways. Over the years, his fatalities (a hallmark of the MK series) have included biting off the head of an opponent and regurgitating deadly acid upon a prone foe.

Bloody Hell

In a somewhat similar vein to the Asian Mist, gothic wrestler Gangrel was known to drink “blood” from a goblet and then spit it into the air, or into the face of a foe, blinding them in the process. Those crazy vampires… what will they think of next? If only us humans could harness a way to spit daylight in their faces and eradicate your Edwards and Bellas from the world.

Dilophosaurus Venomous

In Jurassic Park, these little bastards are known to spit blinding venom at their human creators and captors… you think the little monsters would have some sense of gratitude! On the theme park attraction based off the movie franchise, the first sign of danger occurs when some Dilophosaurs pop up and promptly spit at the passing vehicles and passengers. They’ve caught me a time or two and I have to say that I must be immune to their toxins because I reacted to it similarly to everyday tap water.

Dis-Service Industry

There has always been a fear amongst restaurant complainers that their food will be returned to them with a loogie special sauce added to their meal, courtesy of a disgruntled cook or cashier. I’m not a natural complainer (don’t you hate those people!), but this fear provides an additional reason not to do so in fast food joints or any other eatery. I like my burger sans spit, thank you very much.

Sports Salivation

There have been a number of spitting incidents in the realm of professional sports, each more disgusting than the last. It doesn’t seem to matter which sport is being played, as even golfer Tiger Woods had to deal with an incident after spitting on a green during a tournament in Dubai. Possibly the most famous spit scandal belongs to Roberto Alomar, who loogied on an umpire. He still managed to gain entry into the Baseball Hall of Fame, despite the controversy.

I’m Hit: The Keith Hernandez Story

This may be one of my favourite Seinfeld moments, as Kramer and Newman tell the story of baseball star Keith Hernandez spitting on them following a game. The entire scene mimics the movie JFK, and the recounting of the story is filmed in a similar fashion to the Zapruder videos of John F. Kennedy’s assassination. Jerry takes the role of conspiracy theorist and proves that there had to be a second spitter to explain the outlandish tale.

Spit-Take

Comedian and actor Danny Thomas is often credited with inventing the spit-take. I wonder if he would have come up with the gag if he knew that many years later, wrestlers would be blinding their opponents and causing memory loss using the same tactic he used to get laughs!?

Drink #156: Asian Mist

1.5 oz Malibu Rum
0.75 oz Melon Liqueur
0.25 oz White Rum
Top with half Lemon-Lime Soda and half Pineapple Juice
Garnish with a Lemon Wedge

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
This drink was a little on the sweet side, but it’s relatively strong and, like always, that’s a good thing. The coconut and lemon flavours work well together, but sometimes I just can’t get my head around pineapple juice. I mean, I love Hawaiian-style pizza, but drinking the stuff has been known to throw me off.

June 3 – Rob Roy

Posted on June 3, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Reading Rainbow

Mrs. Sip will sadly tell you that I don’t read very much of anything. I suppose I’m a visual learner, but that may be a complete fabrication. I’ve often bragged that I’m the world’s first non-reading writer. That said, I have found great enjoyment from these drink recipe books and other gifts:

Old Man Drinks

These are cocktails solely meant for hardened veterans of the booze wars. Spliced together with quotes from advanced drinkers are many wonderful recipes, mostly invoking strong alcohols like whiskey, scotch, rum and gin. I’ve used this brilliant little book for a bunch of drinks that have been featured on this site, including today’s libation.

The Ultimate Bar Book

This book is massive! Massive is a good thing, though, as that means it holds a copious amount of recipes, tips and other notes. You can really find almost anything in the manual’s 816 pages. For example, there are entries on selected brands for virtually every liquor I’ve ever heard of… and I’ve heard of a lot of spirits. There are also a ton of recipes which will make you thirst for a cocktail.

Pink Panther Cocktail Party Deck

Sure, this set contains a full-deck of cards, except they’re not of the playing variety, they’re of the drinking variety. I’ve played a fun little game before where I draw a random card and then make said drink. Best of all, you can play this game all by your lonesome. It’s like the best game of solitaire ever… until some ass hat says you’re an alcoholic for drinking alone!

Margarita Martini Mojito

I’ll give you three guesses as to what types of recipes are contained in this book. Need a couple hints? Well, you’re wrong, it covers champagne, beer and wine cocktails. Just kidding, you were totally right, as you used your ESP to tap into my train wreck of a brain. There are some wicked drinks in this book, covering the three M’s of cocktails, that I’ll surely have to consider going forward.

Drink #154: Rob Roy

2 oz Scotch (I used Glenfiddich Millennium Vintage)
1 oz Sweet Vermouth
Dash of Orange Bitters
Garnish with a Maraschino Cherry

This seems like the perfect drink to sit back with, open up one of my recipe books and take notes on the next great creations for all you little sippers. Just let me grab my ol’ reading goggles and notepad. Mrs. Sip better check up on me every few minutes to make sure I don’t doze off or flip on the TV!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
This is such a classic drink and it’s been well-documented that I like my Manhattan family cocktails. This was also the first time I got to play around with a new bottle of Orange Bitters (courtesy Ma and Pa Sip). There’s not too much to really complain about for this drink, so make one today and enjoy!

May 22 – Greyhound

Posted on May 22, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

The Great Debate

Gin and vodka have long waged a war over liquor supremacy. For example, many arguments have taken place over whether a true martini should be made with gin or vodka. Years ago, vodka surpassed gin and when it did so, a number of cocktails that used to feature the juniper tasting alcohol began a metamorphosis, which included a new name. Today we look at gin names vs. vodka names and I play god and decide which one is better.

The battle often wages within the same company…

Salty Dog (Gin) vs. Greyhound (Vodka) – Winner: Greyhound

For some reason I’m perturbed by the name Salty Dog. I have no clue where this aversion lies within me, but I just don’t like the name. It’s a drink I was planning to make for Gin Week last month, but when I discovered that there was a vodka version with a more palatable name (to me at least… and I’m calling the shots), I made some edits to my calendar. And that brings us to today!

Martini (Gin) vs. Kangaroo (Vodka) – Winner: Martini

I do love me some barbecued kangaroo, but I’m afraid that’s not enough to sway this judge. I gotta go with the original Martini in this case. Many alcohol lovers will tell you that if it’s not made of gin and vermouth, it’s just not a Martini, no matter what kind of glass you serve it in. While I don’t completely agree with this line of logic, I do respect their opinion. After all, I already have enough enemies as it is.

The Gin Army

Ruddy Mary (Gin) vs. Bloody Mary (Vodka) – Winner: Bloody Mary

This one isn’t even close, as you have a classic cocktail matched up against a relatively unknown drink. That said, I would like to try the gin version of the libation and see how it compares to the vodka option. I wonder how it might have changed my perception of the Bakon Bloody Mary I made last month, although we would have tragically lost the bacon essence with the removal of Bakon Vodka.

Negroni (Gin) vs. Negroski (Vodka) – Winner: Draw

This one was tough to judge. On one hand, you have the famous drink, Negroni, but on the other hand, when vodka is substituted, you have a pretty cool name in Negroski. In a rare Sip Advisor move, I decided to call it a draw. I know, having no outcome is like kissing your sister – or at least that’s how the sports pundits always put it. Tell ya what, I’ll flip a coin… if only I could find one.

The Vodka Troops

Tom Collins (Gin) vs. Vodka Collins (Vodka) – Winner: Tom Collins

Much like the Bloody vs. Ruddy Mary, this one took little time to make a decision. The Tom Collins is one of my favourite drinks and I can’t even fathom changing up the way I make them (see Cool Collins). Looking back, I guess I changed the name and recipe, too. Well, now my entire world is upside down. Thankfully, I’ve always been skilled at standing on my head. And we just keep on rolling.

Gin & Tonic (Gin) vs. Vodka Tonic (Vodka) – Winner: Neither

I’ve said it once and I’ll say it again: I don’t much care for Tonic Water. Therefore, both competitors have been disqualified and given lifetime bans from the sport.

Gin & Juice (Gin) vs. Screwdriver (Vodka) – Winner: Gin & Juice

While I’ve always been a fan of good drink names and the Screwdriver is among my favourites, I feel if I didn’t pick Gin & Juice, that Snoop Dogg would put a hit out on your national hero, the Sip Advisor. While I maintain that I ain’t ‘fraid of no ghosts, I am deathly scared of gats and I therefore settle the case in favour of Mr. Dogg. His drink also comes with a sweet song, so there’s that little caveat.

Drink #142: Greyhound

Rim glass with Salt
1.5 oz Vodka (I used Pinnacle Citrus)
Top with Grapefruit Juice
Garnish with Lemon and Lime Wedges

It’s incredible that gin and vodka can be so interchangeable, despite their very different tastes. Perhaps we should all just call a truce between the two alcohols, drink a Vesper (which combines both gin and vodka) and declare this the best summer of love EVER! Then again, the Vesper features three parts gin to one part vodka… this feud will never be over…

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I was looking forward to trying this drink, despite not being a fan of Grapefruit Juice. I’ve always liked salted rims, so that probably helped in my enjoyment of the cocktail and as I figured, all the ingredients came together to make a nice mix.

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The Good, The Bad & The Bubbly

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