August 18 – Sunday Snuggie

Posted on August 18, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Putrid Products

I love commercials for “As Seen on TV” products. The acting is hokey and the products range from ridiculous to utterly useless. Here are some of the craziest items, past and present, which will require shipping and handling:

Snuggies

I think what bugs me the most about Snuggies is that the commercial makes everyone look like a giant blanket-wrapped dork. While I’m not opposed to blankets, I would never be caught wearing one at tailgating parties, the theatre, sporting events, or anywhere inhabited by people or penguins. What’s next, the pillow hat? You can wear it when you want to take that quick cat nap on the train, at a park, or during those endless office meetings! Hmmm…maybe I’m on to something!?

Zoomies

These binoculars-on-the-go are both practical and the height of modern fashion… said no one ever (throw on a bright blue Snuggie while you’re at it and then you’ll look real bad ass… or like The Tick, whateves). The thing the makers don’t really point out is that Zoomies only let you focus on one particular spot in the distance. The commercial acts as if your entire vision will be enhanced.

Tush Turner

This swivel seat allows you to spin in a chair, thus eliminating even the most simple of torso movements. I’ve seen this product hilariously described as a Lazy Susan for your ass. You know eventually there will be a Guinness World Record for fastest Tush Turner or most Tush Turns in an hour.

Cami Secret

These commercials are classic for the awesome portrayals of they dying art of sexual harassment. I deplore this product, however, because it covers up women’s breasts. Don’t listen ladies, be loud, be proud, and flaunt your assets!

Kush Support

Speaking of sexual harassment, this allows women to maintain their cleavage while sleeping on their side. Brilliant, I say! I have often turned to Mrs. Sip while she is deep in dreamland and thought, ‘Man, I wish she had more cleavage right now.’ For those keeping score, that was a joke!

Booty Pop

While most women are trying to eliminate the junk in their trunk, the Booty Pop will provide all the vroom-vroom anyone could ever want. These butt-enhancers fill a back pocket in a similar vein to stuffing a bra, except it’s your backside. I say put a couple Pizza Pops in there and you have a quick lunch, too!

Better Marriage Blanket

So, the gimmick behind this little gem is that it absorbs the odor of farts so your wife (or maybe it’s the other way around) will never know you’ve been cooking under a Dutch oven all these years. I think the name is totally classic. If flatulence is a major concern for your relationship, then you’re in for a rough ride once kids come along!

Fanny Bank

In complete contrast to the Better Marriage Blanket, this piggy bank rewards you with a ripping fart upon making a deposit. I wonder if the fart gets louder with the more cash you shove into the butt crack opening… scratch that, I don’t ever want to know. Who makes this crap!?

The Backup

I know I’ve always wanted to have a gun rack located not directly beside my bed, not directly behind my bed but actually IN my bed. Luckily now I have been afforded that opportunity with The Backup, a gun rack that slides between your bed’s box spring and mattress. Now I just need a gun for my rack. The fact that a product like this even made it to air, tells us something quite disturbing about society. Even scarier, it’s probably a best seller.

UroClub

This ingenious device allows dudes to hold their real putter whenever they want on a golf course. It comes complete with retractable curtains, so you can relieve yourself in privacy, while your buddies merciless chirp you. There are other portable urinal products, begging the question, when will someone step up and seize the women’s potty-on-the-go market!?

SlobStopper

This giant bib for eating and drinking while driving surely has to be some kind of joke. How many stories are there of people spilling scalding hot coffee on themselves? However, this product won’t stop you from receiving third degree burns. Here’s a suggestion, maybe just don’t eat and drink while on the road.

Pajama Jeans

These pajamas are designed to make it appears as if you’re wearing jeans. Can you imagine actually wearing these out to a lounge or nightclub and impressing ANYONE!? These PJs give a whole new meaning to casual Friday at the office. Now all they need to do is design pajamas that look like dress pants and the corporate world will fall to the slackers!

Drink #230: Sunday Snuggie

2 oz Jagermeister
2 oz Bourbon
Top with Sweet & Sour Mix
Dash of Grenadine
Splash of Cranberry Juice
Garnish with a Lime Wheel and a Maraschino Cherry

I’d love to order some of these items, just to see how well they actually work. I bet some of them would just be too ludicrous to own, but at least they might make great gag gifts.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
The drink was pretty potent thanks to the Jagermeister and Bourbon. I used Black Cherry Bourbon to add an interesting twist to the cocktail and the results were as awesome as expected. This was quite the recipe to put together, but totally worth it.

June 3 – Rob Roy

Posted on June 3, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Reading Rainbow

Mrs. Sip will sadly tell you that I don’t read very much of anything. I suppose I’m a visual learner, but that may be a complete fabrication. I’ve often bragged that I’m the world’s first non-reading writer. That said, I have found great enjoyment from these drink recipe books and other gifts:

Old Man Drinks

These are cocktails solely meant for hardened veterans of the booze wars. Spliced together with quotes from advanced drinkers are many wonderful recipes, mostly invoking strong alcohols like whiskey, scotch, rum and gin. I’ve used this brilliant little book for a bunch of drinks that have been featured on this site, including today’s libation.

The Ultimate Bar Book

This book is massive! Massive is a good thing, though, as that means it holds a copious amount of recipes, tips and other notes. You can really find almost anything in the manual’s 816 pages. For example, there are entries on selected brands for virtually every liquor I’ve ever heard of… and I’ve heard of a lot of spirits. There are also a ton of recipes which will make you thirst for a cocktail.

Pink Panther Cocktail Party Deck

Sure, this set contains a full-deck of cards, except they’re not of the playing variety, they’re of the drinking variety. I’ve played a fun little game before where I draw a random card and then make said drink. Best of all, you can play this game all by your lonesome. It’s like the best game of solitaire ever… until some ass hat says you’re an alcoholic for drinking alone!

Margarita Martini Mojito

I’ll give you three guesses as to what types of recipes are contained in this book. Need a couple hints? Well, you’re wrong, it covers champagne, beer and wine cocktails. Just kidding, you were totally right, as you used your ESP to tap into my train wreck of a brain. There are some wicked drinks in this book, covering the three M’s of cocktails, that I’ll surely have to consider going forward.

Drink #154: Rob Roy

2 oz Scotch (I used Glenfiddich Millennium Vintage)
1 oz Sweet Vermouth
Dash of Orange Bitters
Garnish with a Maraschino Cherry

This seems like the perfect drink to sit back with, open up one of my recipe books and take notes on the next great creations for all you little sippers. Just let me grab my ol’ reading goggles and notepad. Mrs. Sip better check up on me every few minutes to make sure I don’t doze off or flip on the TV!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
This is such a classic drink and it’s been well-documented that I like my Manhattan family cocktails. This was also the first time I got to play around with a new bottle of Orange Bitters (courtesy Ma and Pa Sip). There’s not too much to really complain about for this drink, so make one today and enjoy!

May 5 – Laugh-A-Minute

Posted on May 5, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Laugh Your Ass Off

It’s World Laughter Day and Cinco de Mayo – two great reasons to celebrate! Today seems like a good time to discuss my favourite comedians. These guys have been making me laugh for years and deserve all the praise I can give them.

Christopher Titus

There is only one word to describe Christopher Titus: deranged… well, that or genius! Both really do fit and form the basis of his comedic style. Titus largely uses his own personal experiences in his act: growing up with a strict, alcoholic single father and split family; bad relationships throughout his adulthood; and the notion that in today’s society, to be dysfunctional is normal and the majority.

Lewis Black

The Daily Show correspondent and ranter extraordinaire, Lewis Black, is as funny as he is gruff. His wildness seems to go against the grain of being dressed in a suit and tie, but he makes it all work. There is a nervous energy to Black’s act that keep you totally invested in what he’s saying and trying to figure out which direction he’ll head in next.

Ron White

I love Ron White’s style. He spends most of his set chain smoking and drinking what appears to be scotch or whiskey. After that, ‘Tater Salad’s’ comedy is pretty damn good, too. He is my favourite member of the Blue Collar troupe and his dry, southern style will have you rolling with laughter. He has definitely had some wild times and the stories of his various arrests are a highlight of his act.

Carrot Top

As I’ve written before, Carrot Top’s energy during his performance is astonishing. I’m not sure how many energy drinks he has to down to get to that level, but I appreciate his efforts (and sacrifice). Prop comedy is sometimes frowned upon by purists, but Carrot Top deserves a ton of credit for constantly adapting his act and finding new materials to suit his needs.

Russell Peters

Throwing some Canadian content on the list (although I maintain that we are one of the funniest country’s in the world and have an amazing profile of talented comedians), Russell Peters has turned his “rip on my dad” act into a worldwide sensation. Somebody’s gonna get a hurt!

Emo Philips

The bizarre style of Emo Philips’ comedy isn’t for everyone. Just when you think his joke is going in one direction, Philips completely psyches you out and turns the entire joke upside down. With his odd sense of humor, he can seem quite loveable… just beware of his wild side.

Daniel Tosh

There is no subject that Daniel Tosh won’t rip on. He’s been accused of being racist, sexist, misogynistic, you name it. The only thing I’ve ever indicted him for is being hilarious. When not touring North America, performing his stand-up material, you can see Tosh hosting his Comedy Central smash hit Tosh.0, where he lampoons online videos and social media sites, such as Facebook and Twitter.

Drink #125: Laugh-A-Minute

1 oz Cherry Vodka (I used Grey Goose Cherry Noir)
1 oz Sweet Vermouth
0.5 oz Amaretto
Top with Lemonade
Garnish with Lemon Wedge and Maraschino Cherry

Amazingly (and feeling truly blessed), I’ve been able to see each of these performers live in various parts of North America. Some comics on my “must see” list include Steven Wright, Patton Oswalt, Dave Chappelle, and Louis C.K.

This blog post does not feature comedians who have gone to the great stage in the sky, like George Carlin, Richard Pryor, Rodney Dangerfield, Mitch Hedberg, and Greg Giraldo.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
You’re always doubtful about the varying quality of liquors until you have something as special as Grey Goose Vodka. The Cherry Noir variety was delicious, with almost a hint sour cherry flavour. Throw in Amaretto and you have one of my longtime preferred spirits being paired with one of my new loves.

April 29 – Sin City

Posted on April 29, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Sin-sational

Over the Easter weekend, Mrs. Sip and I visited one of our favourite places in the world, Las Vegas. Along with many of our usual haunts (not one, but two trips to the Hyde Lounge!), here are a few new places we tried on our recent long weekend extravaganza, with wonderful cocktail options at almost every turn.

Max Brenner’s

This place specializes in chocolate, mixing it into every recipe on the menu (food, drink, dessert). Mrs. Sip and I went during its bar happy hour, sampling three of their dessert cocktails ($6 down from their normal $12), while also sharing some appies – waffle fries with chili-chocolate powder… um, yes please! Mrs. Sip enjoyed the classic chocolate martinii (garnished with a huge chocolate dipped strawberry) while my favourite drink was the wonderfully delicious Satisfaction Guaranteed, made with peanut and caramel liqueurs. When I think of a drink that is 5 sips out of 5, this is it!

Wynn Buffet

We like to get to at least one buffet on each trip to Las Vegas and over time, we’ve been able to try nearly every hotel’s offering on the strip. On this excursion, I gorged myself on a selection of Asian delicacies, from sushi to noodles and vegetables and followed that up with a plate of crab legs. Dessert was great too, with a make your own gelato sundae bar. Althoght a bit more pricey than your regular buffet ($38 for dinner), the Wynn Buffet is well worth the price and everything you would expect from the 5 star hotel and casino!

Parasol Down

While I can’t fully recommend the little shows that run every half an hour on the Lake of Dreams (two balls birthing a baby ball???) the place does provide a lovely setting for an evening cocktail, with it’s lake and forest atmosphere. Here, I tried the Sinatra Smash, made with Crème de Cassis, whiskey, sweet and sour mix, vanilla syrup, and blackberries.

Guns & Ammo Garage

It has long been on my bucket list to shoot a gun. Not at anything in particular (might I suggest the birds infesting my patio), but just to merely shoot a gun. When the opportunity arose to go to one of the many gun ranges in Las Vegas, I was happy to tag along. There, I shot a M9 and an Uzi (relatively well) and gained a whole new respect for the fine folks that have to carry a piece as part of their daily living.

Rock & Rita’s

A little off the main strip, but worth the trip, this restaurant features a southern barbecue menu, complete with massive drinks you can get in a souvenir toilet glass. I tried the 2000 Flushes recipe, while splitting an appie platter. This is a fun place for adults and kids alike, as while flair bartenders did their thing just outside the joint, one of the greatest balloon artists I’ve ever seen visited each table, making amazing creations for the little ones.

Go Pool Cabana

Mrs. Sip and I have done the hotel pool thing a few times before, but when Mama Sip (also in Vegas at the time) wanted to reserve one of the poolside cabanas for the day, it brought a whole new meaning to swim luxury. Myself and Papa Sip were able to watch a hockey game, while the ladies soaked in the sun. We also had around the clock service, which resulted in me ordering the Alligator Bite drink, made with a host of liquors and pineapple juice.

The ladies and me at the cabana!

Carlos & Charlie’s

This wild restaurant inside the Flamingo was just being built the last time we were in Vegas and we stopped here for lunch one day before hitting the pool. While splitting a scrumptious quesadilla stuffed with the works, I enjoyed a Lazarillo cocktail, made with tequila, cranberry juice, and lime. It was basically a Mexican Cosmo, but it really hit the spot as a good starter drink to another wild day.

New Cocktails

As previously mentioned, we enjoyed the Bellagio fountains at the Hyde Lounge twice on this trip and while there sampled a number of fantastic concoctions. Mrs. Sip finally gave the nitrogen drink, Bees Knees, a go, while I ordered a host of luxury cocktails, including the sweet and spicy Burning Mango, bell pepper-infused Love Unit, and subtle yet delicious Cucumber Watermelon Margarita.

Drink #119: Sin City

1.5 oz Vodka (I used Absolut Raspberri)
Top with Cranberry Juice
Splash of Club Soda
Garnish with a Maraschino Cherry and Cinnamon Stick

We will be back to Sin City again soon. It doesn’t take long before that itch returns and we’re booking our flights and hotel, salivating over the copious options available and prepping for a weekend filled with booze, sun, food, lack of sleep and hard partying!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (2.5 Sips out of 5):
This cocktail was your typical Vodka-Cran-Soda. I was hoping the addition of the Cinnamon Stick would change things up – even using it as a straw for a couple sips – but unfortunately, any difference was so subtle that the flavour wasn’t modified at all.

April 22 – Moon River

Posted on April 22, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Making the World a Better Place

Today is Earth Day, so I thought we could brainstorm some ways to make this world a better place. You can follow my awesome example of mass recycling. The more you drink, the more you’re able to recycle and the wheel (or that silly little triangle logo they use: reduce, reuse, recycle) goes round and round. Remember, Earth: It’s the only one we got!

I am a staunch supporter of the cities that have assembled their homeless force (I would have called them workforce, but that seems a little oxymoronic) to wheel their carts around, plucking stray bottles and cans from garbage receptacles. This must continue, but we should groom them and give them rad uniforms and shopping buggies, so that people respect them and don’t just fear the deranged man chasing them down for their freshly purchased pop.

Countries should continue to phase out their monetary denominations, thus saving on raw materials like copper, alloy, nickel and paper for bills. Yes, plastic resource use would go up with the increase of debit and credit cards, but there’s tons of that stuff around, so who cares.

Acid rain should be encouraged as a device to cleanse the world of harmful deposits. Cleanliness is godliness and god is empty, just like me and The Smashing Pumpkins.

Not to mention, if Indiana Jones has taught us anything, it works pretty well on Nazis too!

Perhaps there is some way to harness the power of farts and turn them into energy. I remember hearing once that cow dung was being looked into for this, as on its own it is quite harmful to the atmosphere. I personally know a few blokes that would make a killing if this technology was ever developed and people could earn a living from their gas.

One thing that must change is that it’s more expensive to buy many recycled products compared to their brand-spanking-new counterparts. If I can get something new, for half the price as the recycled option, I think we all know which one the Sip Advisor is going to choose. Heck, it leaves me with more money for liquor.

Here’s a toast in honour of Earth, a gal who takes so much crap from us humans and only sends floods, earthquakes, tsunamis, hurricanes, and tornados our way as an even up. You’re a sweet lady and we love you!

Drink #112: Moon River

1 oz Gin
1 oz Apricot Brandy
1 oz Cointreau (or other Triple Sec)
0.5 oz Galliano
Splash of Lemon Juice
Garnish with a Maraschino Cherry and Orange Wedge

Sip Advisor’s Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
This drink smells just like a creamsicle… and guess what? It tastes a lot like one too! The Apricot Brandy and Cointreau make it a sweeter drink, but it’s nicely balanced by the gin. Drinkers beware, with the amount of alcohol in it this cocktail goes down a bit too easy. Some recipes may differ, but I fully trust the accuracy of Wikipedia.

April 16 – Alabama Slammer

Posted on April 16, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Locked Up

I’ve never been to jail… but I’m willing to bet that it would be fun. If TV and movies have taught me anything (they haven’t), it’s that I’d be able to keep quite active by joining football, basketball, and baseball teams to compete against the guards. When you factor in running from scary inmates – a form of dodge ball – and all the weight lifting I could do, I’m pretty sure that I would be in the best shape of my life! There’s also the lifelong (til death penalty do us part) friendships I would make. So based on my vast television watching experience and the one time I had a run in with “the fuzz”, which almost resulted in a speeding ticket, here are my tips for surviving the slammer:

1) Getting acquainted with your bunk mate

You’re new to the place and really have no right to claim top bunk. If the dude you’re stuck with has already claimed that spot, guess what… you’re bottoms, boieeeee! Better get comfortable, brotha, you might be there a while.

2) Picking a gang

While you could try to fly solo in the clink, it’s probably best that you align yourself with similar-minded people. If the Mighty Ducks movies have taught us anything, it’s prudent of you to go into a flying-V formation, while shouting “quack, quack, quack”. Not only will that show other gangs that you are a united front, but also that your clique has some serious mental instability and is not to be messed with.

3) Making a shiv/shank

No matter how protected you might be thanks to the crew that has adopted you, having a readymade weapon in case of any brouhaha would be quite beneficial. My suggestion is to try and fashion some sort of makeshift gun. Your fellow prisoners will never know what hit them!

4) Earning a reputation

You don’t have to be the tough guy in your cell block, but if you bring something unique to the table, you might be able to slip under the radar for your extended stay. Morgan Freeman (The Shawshank Redemption) was known as the guy who could procure things… Clint Eastwood (Escape from Alcatraz) had only one passion: to escape from prison… Burt Reynolds (The Longest Yard) liked playing football… and Sean Penn (Dead Man Walking) had a thing for lethal injections.

5) Getting drunk

You will miss things you once knew and loved in the outside world. But just because you’re locked up doesn’t mean you can’t have some of those things, even if it is at a lower-graded experience. I have a wonderful recipe for toilet wine. If you’d like the details, please send your credit information to me. See, this is how I got into trouble in the first place.

6) Finding God

I heard that this often happens in jails, which could be good if, like me, you haven’t managed (or gotten around to) finding him, her, or it “on the outside”. And who knows, you may even manage to turn your whole spiritual discovery into a profit, just like George Bluth did with his infomercial promoting his video series “Caged Wisdom”.

If all else fails, the consumption of toilet wine often leads to self-discovery of prayer to the porcelain god as you return your elixir to where it once came from…

Now let’s enjoy something much better than toilet wine!

Drink #106: Alabama Slammer

0.5 oz Vodka
0.5 oz Southern Comfort
0.5 oz Amaretto
Top with Orange Juice
Splash of Grenadine
Splash of Sweet & Sour Mix
Garnish with an Orange Slice and a Maraschino Cherry

Really, if I was sent to prison, I’d probably just do a ton of napping. I’d probably be known as the ‘cat guy’… that is until someone tried to chase my tail and got scratched for doing so!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
It had been a couple years since my last Alabama Slammer and I was quickly reminded of how enjoyable this drink is. I’ve seen other versions of this recipe, but this is the one I was able to pull off with the ingredients I had. Sloe Gin would have been a nice touch, but it just can’t be found in Canada.

March 29 – Poker Face

Posted on March 29, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

A Day in the Life

I wouldn’t call myself a Sin City expert, but I know a number of good places that are must-hits when visiting. If you follow my layout for a day out and about along the Las Vegas strip, it will be very difficult for you to keep your poker face (P-p-p-poker face, p-p-poker face). I dare you to try and keep up with the ol’ Sip Advisor.

Pool Time

I have very little need for breakfast… unless it is of the liquid variety. After sleeping in, Mrs. Sip and I usually meander our way to the hotel pool, where the first order of business is to order a bucket of beers, before relaxing in the sun for a couple hours. No need to rush around yet, we have tons of time left on the clock.

I guess my invite got lost in the mail…

PBR Rock Bar – Planet Hollywood/Miracle Mile

It’s time to show off that tan you’ve been working on all morning, as you hit the street in search of strippers and blow… or in our case, pulled pork and Dorito-crusted mac n’ cheese! The servings here are massive, so it might be beneficial to split a meal or a couple appies. That way you can pig out throughout the day and not gorge yourself on one entrée. The best part of this location is you can sit on the patio and you can even sit on their patio area where you can people watch the zoo known as Las Vegas Boulevard!

Hyde Lounge – The Bellagio

With your tummy nice and full we venture across the street for some libations. The beauty of this joint (aside from the servers’ skimpy outfits) is that you can watch the wondrous Bellagio fountains against the back-drop of the Paris, while sucking back your bevvy! Like much of the strip, drinks can be a little pricey here, but it’s worth the splurging for the total experience.

Mon Ami Gabi – The Paris

While there are practically hundreds of dinner possibilities on and off the strip, it’s okay every once in a while to treat yourself to something on the fancy end of the spectrum. Get dressed up, enjoy some wine and lobster, and appreciate good company at this fine establishment. It also has killer sea scallops gratinées dish I fully recommend trying. If you’re lucky (or wait long enough) this restaurant also has a great patio for another round of people watching with the Bellagion fountains in the background.

Entertainment of Your Choice – Anywhere

It’s showtime! There are way too many options to choose from in Las Vegas. Whether you’re looking for comedy, magic, singing and dancing, or awe inspiring circus acts, the city has all the bases covered. Regardless of your budget, you can find a show that fits. There’s even a ton of stuff you can see all around the place that is free to all visitors, such as the Mirage Volcano, Fall of Atlantis (Caesar’s Palace), Show in the Sky (Rio), The Sirens (Treasure Island), Fremont Street Experience, and the previously mentioned Bellagio Fountains.

The Pub – Monte Carlo

Dueling pianos, plus $2 beers and shots of Jameson… you had me at hello. You never greeted me? Don’t really care, I’ll have two beers and two shots and for the missus, a stirring round of ‘Summer of 69’ by Bryan Adams (I like to enlist sexually suggestive songs to help me in wooing Mrs. Sip!). This place is always jamming and finding seating is not very difficult.

Sugar Factory – The Paris

It’s 2am and you have liquor to blame for your chocolate craving. So, you head over to the Sugar Factory, where the art of dessert has never been so exquisite. Share a gourmet fondue or sweet pizza with your loved one. They have regular food, too, in case you’re looking to satisfy your “fourth-meal” requirement. And if you want to keep your buzz up, why not try one of their signature goblets, martinis or cocktails… that will do the trick.

Well, it might be time for bed now… if not, you’re welcome to hit any one of the 24-hour buffets, food courts or a late night lounge. But guess what! Providing that you’re not going home that day, you get to do the whole nine yards (literally, if you buy nine yard-long drinks) again tomorrow!

Drink #88: Poker Face

1.5 oz Captain Morgan Spiced Rum
Top with half Pineapple Juice and half Cranberry Juice
0.5 oz Grand Marnier floated on top
Garnish with a Pineapple Wedge

This is basically – with a tweak or two – the outline of my and Mrs. Sip’s 10-year dating anniversary in 2012. What adventure will we get up to this time around? Surely it will be the subject of a future blog post, so look out for that!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
This drink turned an interesting colour when all the ingredients came together. I’m so dedicated to garnishing drinks nicely that I took an expired can of Pineapple Wedges, just to use one for the photo. The taste was good, especially with the Grand Marnier floated at the surface.

March 20 – Blue Memphis

Posted on March 20, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

River City Rampage

While Mrs. Sip and I have travelled extensively, Memphis (in the great state of Tennessee) is a place neither of us has visited. While today’s drink can only do so much to take us there, here’s some attractions I’d like to see when I finally make my way to the Mid-South:

Graceland

Whether you’re a fan of Elvis or not (but come on, who doesn’t at least have some appreciation for The King?), any visit to Memphis would require at least a pit stop at his former home, Graceland. There, we can see Elvis’ collection of cars, his private planes, and a museum dedicated to the legend. A definite highlight would be viewing the toilet he apparently died on and the TV he shot at in a drug-induced rage. Ah, the memories. Perhaps we could even stay at the nearby Heartbreak Hotel to complete the experience!

National Civil Rights Museum

Oddly located inside the hotel where Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated, visitors can learn all about the American Civil Rights Movement and how it changed the world we live in today. I guess using the hotel isn’t the worst idea. After all, who would ever stay there again after it was the site of King’s murder? Although, perhaps, the owner’s missed the boat on an opportunity to rent rooms to ghost hunters and other creeps.

Beale Street

Home to the annual Beale Street Music Festival, this is likely where your honourable Sip Advisor would go for his daily dose of life’s elixir (known to the common folk as alcohol). There are few things that beat the mix of good music and good drinks… perhaps good sex and good drinks, but I’m still conducting thorough research on the subject.

The Pyramid

If you believe that you’ll never be able to travel to Egypt (especially if you don’t like to be molested by 12 year old peddlers, angry mobs, or camels) and the glitz and glamour of Las Vegas frightens you, than Memphis is your next best chance to see one of the world’s largest pyramids. This famous sports and entertainment venue is the sixth largest pyramid in the world behind four in Egypt and the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas. Now it’s been turned into a massive Bass Pro Shop fishing store, but that just means you can get in for free!

BBQ

I’m a huge fan of southern barbecue, so you can bet your sweet bippy that I’ll be chowing down on pulled pork, brisket, chicken and all the sides a man could ever want (cornbread, cob, slaw, tater salad) every chance I get. By the time I get back home, I hope to have a permanent barbecue sauce stain around my mouth. I’ll wear that like a badge of honour. No need for souvenirs, I already got mine!

Basketball

Whether it’s checking out some college hoops (University of Memphis Tigers) or the professional ranks (Memphis Grizzlies), a fan of the hard court can definitely get their fill here. I never attended a Vancouver Grizzlies game when the team played here (in fact I’ve never been to a NBA game ever… some sports journalist am I, right?), so I guess seeing them in Memphis would be kind of sacrilegious. Oh well, doing the wrong thing is what I do best.

Wrestling Scene

Home to one of the hottest territories during professional wrestling’s 1980’s heyday, Memphis is where grappler Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler (too bad he and Elvis never battled over the moniker), and legendary manager ‘Mouth of the South’ Jimmy Hart got their start. The group consistently sold out the Mid-South Coliseum with bloody clashes and suspenseful storytelling… old school style!

Mississippi River

Finally, why not end your vacation by floating down the mighty Mississippi (M-I-SS-I-SS-I-PP-I) aboard a riverboat. You can pretend you’re Tom Sawyer or Huck Finn, sneaking onto the ship and causing havoc. Hopefully this riverboat also offers gambling, where I can bet my plane ticket home and leave me and Mrs. Sip stranded.

Drink #79: Blue Memphis

1 oz Malibu Rum
0.5 oz Blue Curacao
Top with half Pineapple Juice and half Milk
Garnish with Maraschino Cherry on a Pineapple Toothpick

As you can see, the recipe didn’t turn out as blue as advertised… so I guess it’s more of an Aqua-Marine Memphis. It still tasted pretty good, regardless of hue. Nashville, you’re up next!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I don’t think Milk and Pineapple Juice should be combined… really any juice I can’t see working well with the calcium goodness of Milk. This drink was largely saved by the Malibu Rum and Blue Curacao. Much thanks to liquor!

January 29 – West Coast Paralyzer

Posted on January 29, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

The Best Coast

West coast born, west coast bred… and when the time comes, west coast dead.

I love being from the west coast. We’re more laid back, have milder weather (in both summer and winter), and in my very unbiased opinion, are just generally more awesome. Here are some other things we do better than our eastern contemporaries:

The alcohol is better on our side of the continent, with awesome microbreweries (Granville Island, 21st Amendment) all along the coast and some undeniably fantastic wine regions (Napa Valley, Okanagan, Hood River).

The east may kick our ass when it comes to storms, but we definitely thump them in the natural disaster category with our epic earthquakes and just wait for the inevitable big one we’re always being warned about. The tsunami alone will blow your freakin’ mind (thank god that us Vancouverites will have Vancouver Island acting as a natural buffer during that one!).

We also have grown-up Disneyland (aka Las Vegas) near enough to the West Coast (two-hour flight from Vancouver), which Trumps Atlantic City, beyond a shadow of a doubt. See what I did there… Donald Trump has largely developed Atlantic City… another thing west-coasters are better at: being clever… and not associating with Donald Trump.

Speaking of Disneyland, we have the better Disney theme park… Disneyland is much more manageable than Disneyworld and has less motorized scooters and 6-10 year olds in double-wide strollers (seriously, do NOT get me started on all the elementary school children in strollers I saw at Disneyworld, it’s like America officially said “Fuck it, we give up!”).

We’re at the forefront of legalizing marijuana, with Washington State having already passed referendums to make it legal and places like B.C. having largely decriminalized the drug. It’s not my drug of choice (it’s pretty easy to guess what is), but I’m all for my little sippers having easier access to a little bit of Mary Jane.

People go west to become stars (porn or otherwise)… they go east to die.

I have it on good authority, as my sources tell me, that we’re better at sex here on the left side of the map. I have statistical data on this fact… I’m just having trouble finding it at the moment.

We’re just made tougher on the west coast: Not that I’m condoning violence of any type, but it did take two attempts for 2Pac to be killed and only one for Notorious B.I.G. Just saying… (I hope I don’t resurrect the west vs. east rap wars with this post, as I do hold that much power).

And finally, my greatest pieces of evidence: Jersey Shore, Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and Real Housewives of New Jersey, among other television shows that I would rather stick a fork in my eye than watch, all come from the east. ‘Nuff said! Case closed!

Drink #29: West Coast Paralyzer

1 oz Tequila
1 oz Kahlua
Top with Milk and Root Beer
Garnish with a Maraschino Cherry

This recipe differs from the normal Paralyzer in that vodka is removed and cola is replaced by root beer, completely changing the flavour of the drink… for the better, might I add. The cocktail tastes like a Root Beer Float, by and large and is very enjoyable, perhaps best served as an after dinner dessert.

Now that I’ve locked the east coast into my deadly finishing maneuver, all I have to wait for is the tap-out. There it is, ring the bell!

Sip Adviosr Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
While I could have tried the original version of this cocktail, the West Coast theme (ie. Removing Vodka and swapping Cola with Root Beer) appealed to me more. It’s virtually unnoticeable, but I sprinkled some vanilla powdering onto the drink to give it an added dimension.

January 28 – Harvey Wallbanger

Posted on January 28, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

The Un-Authorized Biography of Harvard Wallbanger

When I was doing some research on this drink (fully expecting a number of pornographic sites to come up), I took note that the story of how the drink was created was a little open-ended. Some say it was invented purely by accident, at a party where the cocktail’s ingredients were all that was available. Other’s attribute it to various bartenders throughout the United States. Well, I’ve stumbled upon the E! True Mixology Story (National Treasure investigative style) and today, I will share that tale with you (note: the following is 100% completely and utterly possibly true or false).

Harvey Wallbanger grew up in the Midwest United States during the 1930’s. He came from a family of modest means, suffering through the depression. Despite one unfortunate incident involving a wagon, a pig, and the neighbour’s daughter, Harvey had a happy childhood and had what many would describe as an upbeat, glass-half-full personality. And by glass-half-full, I don’t mean that he was a booze hound or anything, he was just a decent dude is all.

When our young hero left home at the age of 18, he had a hard time finding full-time employment. He worked one odd job after another, until work seemingly dried up. Down on his luck, Harvey was living in a homeless shelter. All he had to his name was a cheap bottle of vodka he stole from a fellow vagrant (oh I’m sorry, were you not picturing our young Harvey as a thief? Because in truth he was a bit of a kleptomaniac) and a juice box of orange juice he was handed at his soup kitchen (yes, smart ass there were juice boxes in the 1950’s… it’s a little known fact that all good soup kitchens had time machines back in those days, before Communist spies stole but inadvertently destroyed the technology, some time during the 60’s). Harvey went into a back alley behind the shelter and poured a Styrofoam cup half full of the vodka, topping the drink with the juice. This was, he decided, to be his last drink before he would end it all.

Then, almost as if from the heavens, fell a small bottle of Galliano (a sweet, vanilla-flavoured liqueur). Where it came from will forever be a mystery, but the yellow liquid inside seamed to shine for him in the darkness of the poorly lit backstreet. “Why not?” Harvey thought, as he added a splash of the Galliano to his mix. He took a sip and was astonished at how good the cocktail tasted. Harvey picked himself up, dusted himself off, gulped down the rest of his new creation and declared to himself that his life truly began that day.

Harvey went on to sell his new drink recipe to as many local establishments as he could. Once he had exhausted that market, he went national. This explains why all these different bartenders are credited with inventing the cocktail.

With his life now back in order, Harvey finally found love and went on to enjoy a prosperous and soul-destroying urban existence, filled with a beautiful wife, kids, and a white-picket fence (rather like that depressing movie, Revolutionary Road) .

And it is with great pleasure that I reveal that I am one of Harvard Wallbanger’s great-great grandchildren, twice removed. So whoever is responsible for the massive Wallbanger fortune, you know where to find me to send my share!

Drink #28: Harvey Wallbanger

1.5 oz Vodka
Top with Orange Juice
Float 1 oz Galliano on top of the drink
Garnish with orange slice and Maraschino cherry

If you would like to send me money (someone has to, right?) for the rights to this inspiring tale or be my rich benefactor, helping me produce a blockbuster of epic proportions, just let me know. I can totally see it winning an Oscar one day for best adapted screenplay!

Sip Adviosr Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
For a legendary drink, I was kind of disappointed. I’ve found myself not really enjoying Orange Juice-based cocktails recently. Each sip just feels a little heavier than I would like. Perhaps I should look into a different OJ for future blends. The floated Galliano was very nice, however.

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