March 16 – Dead Man Walking

Last Rites

If you were on your death bed (sweet lady liquor forbid), what would you say? Here are some of the best last words I’ve been able to find, as inspiration for my own prepared statement:

famous-last-words

“One last drink, please?” – Jack Daniel, famous whiskeyteer

The living legend just wanted one last taste of his own whiskey. Unfortunately the wonderful JD Honey Whiskey hadn’t been made yet, as that would certainly have sent him off on the right note. Daniel died from blood poisoning after a toe infection from kicking his safe when he couldn’t remember the combination. Ironically, as told on tours of his distillery, had he dipped his toe in his patented whiskey, he likely would have survived.

“Tomorrow, I shall no longer be here.” – Nostradamus, prediction master

Talk about calling your shot. A pretty ballsy move to say the least. If he had lived even two more days, he would have gone down in history as a sketchy heretic, only correct with a percentage of his forecasts. As it stands, Nostradamus is revered because he was even able to foretell his own demise.

“Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow’s paper? ‘French Fries’!” – James French, insane murderer

Mr. French shouted this to press members and other witnesses to his execution. I gotta admit, it’s a pretty funny line, but it really shows just how psychotic the dude was. I guess you have to give him some style points, but his landing was a little botched.

“Hurry up, you Hoosier bastard, I could kill ten men while you’re fooling around!” – Carl Panzram, serial killer

Death row inmates are lucky in that their final words will always be recorded. Once again, though, this guy proved his head really belonged in the noose. What did he have against Hoosiers anyway… that’s a good movie.

When I die I want my last words to be...

“No, you certainly can’t.” – John F. Kennedy, El Presidente

This was President Kennedy’s reply to Nellie Connally, the wife of Texas Governor John Connally, when she stated, “You certainly can’t say that the people of Dallas haven’t given you a nice welcome, Mr. President.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more ironic outcome.

“I should have asked for a stunt double!” – Vic Morrow, unlucky actor

Morrow was killed while filming an elaborate stunt scene for Twilight Zone: The Movie, when a helicopter crashed and tragically decapitated himself and a child actor, while also crushing another child. Sadly, Morrow thought his statement was just a joke, but instead it came true.

“I should never have switched from scotch to martinis.” – Humphey Bogart, actor extraordinaire

It is scientifically proven that scotch keeps you alive longer than martinis… ol’ Bogie here might have been onto something. I think the key is to continue drinking both and then you have all options covered!

Drink #75: Dead Man Walking

Dead Man Walking Absinthe Shooter

I’ve decided that my final words – I’ve always been a planner – will be: “This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on, my friends…” and then I’ll just keep singing and living forever, only taking breaks to down another cocktail. Not a bad plan, eh!?

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
The Absinthe Week shot was supposed to be something different, but on the fly I switched to this recipe and it was pretty good. The name is perfect to match the taste and Mrs. Sip caught a perfect photo of the gold flakes within the shooter.

March 15 – Bloodsucker

Parasitic Activity

By nature, we are all parasites. The following entries are groups, people and products that I have chosen to leech onto. I’m not proud of it (just kidding, I actually am), but it’s time to clear my sins and admit what I am.

The Lovely Mrs.Sip

This little lady does a lot for me and, by extension, for Sip Nation. While I won’t go into details, pumping her tires any more than necessary, let me tell you that this wonderful site wouldn’t exist if not for her help. If I wasn’t already in love with Sweet Lady Liquor (more on her below), Mrs. Sip would have 100% of my heart!

Global Potato Chip Cartel

This one is more of a symbiotic relationship. The Cartel provides me with wicked delicious snack treats and in return, I give them money to procure more potatoes and make more chippies and the wheel goes round and round. If it was legal to do so, I would bathe in potato chips. On second thought, that could be dangerous with all the rippled edges against my silky smooth skin. Maybe I’ll just continue to eat them en masse.

That’s right, distract her with chips and bubbly and get that dress off!

Public Broadcasting

You know when you hear the slogan: “This program has been made possible by viewers like you!”… they’re not talking about me. All I do is mooch off of public TV and never give them a dime in return. I’ll happily sit through their half-hour long ads and telethon drives without flinching. I have this innate ability to shut my brain off when people are in need. It’s my gift. Mrs. Sip says I live most my life with my brain shut off, but I’m only faking it around her!

Peanut Butter & Jelly Conspiracy

The Mayans predicted that the mixing of peanut butter and jelly would eventually lead to the end of days. I have taken this train of thought and turned it into a marketing opportunity, dubbing my sandwiches “The Most Dangerous Lunch in the World!” Daredevil foodies will eat anything if they think the risk-reward is worth it and I’ve made a nice profit on the scheme.

peanut-butter-jelly-time-kitten

Major League Baseball

Oh, such an easy comedic target. I take and I take and I take all I can from this organization. How about the guys who can’t play because they have a blister? Really!?!? You can’t take the field to play a kid’s game where you’re dressed in pajamas and stand around for most of the outing? How about the guys who fall asleep in their team’s dugout in the middle of the game? Yeah, I think we all find it pretty boring, but good job selling the sport.

Sweet Lady Liquor

Oh, my beautiful muse… I have suckled your sweet nectar too many times to count… and I have no plans to stop (after all, we still have about 300 drinks to go in the drink-per-day challenge)!

Drink #74: Bloodsucker

Bloodsucker Martini

The raspberry jam gives the rim a blood look, which is kind of neat, and was my own personal idea for the cocktail. It befuddles me that I am THAT awesome!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (2.5 Sips out of 5):
While the Raspberry Jam rim turned out pretty good, the drink itself was disappointing, in my opinion. I’m not sure if that was because I was using Wildberry Juice for the very first time, or if that’s a result of the ever-bitter Absinthe.

March 14 – Monkey Gland

Monkeying Around

You may not have noticed by now, but I kind of love monkeys. Along with kittens and potato chips, monkeys have made frequent guest appearances in blog posts. Even after a group of monkeys assaulted me and viciously violated me while on vacation in Indonesia, I still have a massive respect for the creatures. After all, I was guilty of holding a bag of peanuts that they wanted (that’s right elephants, peanuts are not just for you!). Thank god I had a little Indonesian woman to protect me by shooing them away with her sandal. I beg forgiveness my simian friends. Without further ado, are some of my favourite primates:

George – Curious George

You’d think with all the trouble George gets into that the Man in the Yellow Hat would send the little guy packing. And what was up with that Man in the Yellow Hat anyways? Doesn’t he realize how ridiculous he looks? Looks like a freakin’ banana if you ask me (and I know you do). No wonder Curious George was so troublesome, it was probably the result of slow psychotic breakdown from having to live with a giant talking banana. Curious George should just try to eat him sometime.

Curious George

Abu – Aladdin

I often dress my kitty sidekick, Furious B, in Abu’s trademark fez hat and vest. It may result in numerous scratches and one pissed off pussy, but it’s worth it for the half second I can see him clothed before he runs and hides behind the couch and pees on my DVDs.

Mr. Teeny – The Simpsons

The roller-skating, cigar-smoking chimp and sidekick to Krusty the Clown, has lived a life few monkeys have the opportunity to. It is one of celebrity, which comes with good and bad. Hell, I’d be Krusty’s subordinate if it meant an increase in pay and getting to wear a bowtie… even if Krusty has plans to take one of Teeny’s lungs should he ever need a replacement.

Evil Monkey – Family Guy

We later learn that this monkey isn’t so evil after all. He’s actually a nice, mild-mannered being who was just down on his luck (his monkey wife had cheated on him) and found a home in Chris Griffin’s closet. If my wife cheated on me with a monkey, I’d just be crossing my fingers that it turned into a threesome.

Donkey Kong

Originally a villain, Donkey Kong worked his way into the hearts of gamers by barrel blasting and enemy bopping his way through King K. Rool’s gang of baddies. It turns out he just wants his god damn bananas back. Poor guy has to deal with a serious potassium deficiency!

Donkey Kong

King Louie – Jungle Book and Tale Spin

This orangutan sure knows how to party. His joint is always swinging with song and merriment, especially when he and best friend Baloo were given new life in the 90’s cartoon Tale Spin. In that series, he became the owner of Louie’s Place, a tropical bar, which this Sip Advisor aspires to one day track down and go to work there.

Monkey Talents

Whether it’s the air duct-invading monkey (Community), the cigarette-smoking, drug-dealing monkey (The Hangover 2), the skeleton monkey (Pirates of the Caribbean) or any other simian performer, they’re all good in my books.

Phonics Monkey – South Park

Oh my god, he killed Kenny… you bastard!

Drink #73: Monkey Gland

Monkey Gland Cocktail

  • 1.5 oz Gin (I used Beefeater)
  • 0.5 oz Absinthe
  • Top with Orange Juice
  • Dash of Grenadine
  • Garnish with Orange Zest

Monkeys and their distant relatives are awesome… there’s even a gorilla in San Francisco that has a thing for breasts. And yet some people still don’t believe in evolution! Let’s not forget the Ikea Monkey (now somehow available on Twitter), whose winter coat made us all melt.

Ikea Monkey

 

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
I’d love to know why this drink is called Monkey Gland. Regardless, the cocktail was decent and one in which I actually enjoyed Orange Juice. I like how the Orange Twist came across too, as it looks more like a Blood Orange, when it wasn’t.

March 13 – Sazerac

Macaroni Workshop

Today, we unveil the first ever Sip Advisor art gala… the results of an absinthe-induced buzz. I worked long and hard on this piece and I hope the results are worth my efforts!

Drum roll, please…

Macaroni Stick-man throws up

I tried to live up to the standards of the Macaroni Masters. I hope I have not let them down.

My inspiration for this piece included Tyrannosaurus Rex (note the short arms on Mr. Stick – a distant relative of Mr. Sip) and Johnny Depp (notice the resemblance!?).

Mrs. Sip said that my stickman was very well done and gave me a gold star, which I promptly put into my sticker book. If I earn five gold stars, apparently she’ll take me to Chuck E. Cheese’s, or at least that’s the rumour on the playground!

Oh and this is Mrs. Sip’s absinthe-induced art gala entry, which I guess warrants an honourable mention… clearly mine’s better!

Trippy Tree

Now let’s enjoy a drink that helped me get through this exhausting process.

Drink #72: Sazerac

Sazerac Cocktail

  • 1 oz Absinthe
  • 1 oz Whiskey (I used Crown Royal)
  • Splash of Lemon Juice
  • Dash of Simple Syrup
  • Garnish with a Blackberry

What do you think? Should I take my piece on a worldwide tour? As crazy as it sounds, I feel there might actually be an audience for my “special” talents.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
My favourite cocktail of Absinthe Week. I think I have to give a nod to Crown Royal Whiskey as the ingredient that made this drink so enjoyable. The Lemon Juice and Simple Syrup also played important roles in making the Absinthe more agreeable.

March 12 – Sepultura

Grave Diggin’

In Portuguese, Sepultura means grave. And while this drink may eventually send you there, you still have time to figure out what will be written on your headstone. Here’s some things to consider:

Do you want to be remembered for your legacy?

“That’s All Folks!”
The Man of a Thousand Voices

Mel Blanc (voice of numerous Looney Tunes characters)

mel-blanc-tombstone

“The Entertainer”
He Did It All

Sammy Davis, Jr. (triple threat: actor, singer, comedian)

Do you want to tell your story?

Truth and History.
21 Men.
The Boy Bandit King–
He Died As He Lived

William H. Bonney “Billy the Kid” (legendary outlaw)

Are you hoping to deliver a lasting message?

…that nothing’s so sacred as honor and nothing’s so loyal as love

Wyatt Earp (old west lawman)

Workers of all lands unite.
The philosophers have only
interpreted the world in various ways;
the point is to change it.

Karl Marx (Communist manifestonian)

“Tomorrow is the most important thing in life.
Comes into us at midnight very clean.
It’s perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands
It hopes we’ve learned something from yesterday”

John Wayne (cowboy)

Why not crack a joke on your way out?

There goes the neighborhood

 Rodney Dangerfield (comedian)

Rodney-Dangerfield-Headstone

Jack Lemmon
in

Jack Lemmon (actor)

“I will not be right back after this message.”

Merv Griffin (talk show host/game show creator)

“I’m a writer, but then nobody’s perfect.”

Billy Wilder (movie icon)

Or, do you just want to get in the last word?

Quoth the Raven,
“Nevermore”

Edgar Allan Poe (writer)

After careful consideration, I’ve decided that my tombstone should read:

The Sip Advisor
He provided the world with endless joy
So we drink to him, eating Chips Ahoy
He was a legend, a stud, never rude
To sum up: he was one good dude!

Of course, if you have to pay per letter, I’m cool with it simply saying “C U”. Ah hell, I want to be cremated anyway, with my ashes to be sprinkled in a distillery, so I can be with my loved ones forever. Or at least until they sweep up around the place.

Drink #71: Sepultura

Sepultura Cocktail

  • 0.75 oz Absinthe
  • 0.75 oz Fireball Whiskey (or Cinnamon Schnapps)
  • 1 Beer (I used Rickard’s Red)

Take the two liquors and put them into a shot glass, drop the shooter into the beer and voila, you have a liquid grave to drown your sorrows in. Only happiness is allowed around here!

Sepultura Absinthe Beer Drink Recipe

 

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
I used a frozen shot glass for this dropped shot cocktail, which eliminated much of the mess and clean up when the drink was done. I would like to try this recipe with other beers and see which one works best.

March 11 – Death in the Afternoon

The Green Fairy

Legend has it that Death in the Afternoon was Ernest Hemingway’s preferred absinthe cocktail. So, I decided to give the recipe a try and sure enough, I was transported into a hazy world of absinthe-induced imagery. The infamous Green Fairy was my guide and like Dorothy Gale, I was no longer in Kansas.

It all started with the harsh ringing of an alarm. Was I in danger? My eyes slowly popped open and I realized for the first time that I was in bed… with Adam West (TV’s Batman) standing over me. He explained that the time had come for me to begin my hero life… that dark forces were gathering and that my help would soon be needed to save the world. My first instinct was to go back to bed, but West picked me up by the scruff of my neck (apparently I’m a puppy in this hallucination) and tossed me from the comfort of my blankies.

I could wake up to this, any day!

I could wake up to this, any day!

I followed him into a large boardroom where a buffet breakfast of all my favourites was being served. There was a make-your-own potato chip platter station, prime rib burgers on a nearby barbecue, and a full service bar. I ordered a Death in the Afternoon for some reason… as if I needed delusional Sip Advisor to go into a delirious state, thus enacting some form of inception.

In the boardroom were all my heroes from childhood: Cookie Monster, 1960’s Batman (Adam West had changed during the opening credits – yes, my fantasy had credits, all set to Queen’s ‘We Will Rock You’, naturally) and Robin, Vancouver Canucks legend Trevor Linden, Willy Wonka, Optimus Prime, the professor and Mary Ann, all here on Sip Advisor’s Isle.

Morgan Freeman narrated the entire meeting, where it was revealed that all the baddies in fictional history had pooled their resources in a last ditch attempt to take over the world. I was summoned to defend the planet Inebriatopia, as I had the most experience there.

Upon being teleported to the land, I was immediately attacked by Ben Stiller and his Globo-Gym thugs. As they hurled dodge balls at my precious face, I dodged, ducked, dipped, dived and dodged, but the onslaught kept coming. That is, until Dikembe Mutombo came to my rescue, smacking down every ball thrown our way.

Sure, Mutombo should have been ruled out, according to Rule 9(a) of the Dodgeball Handbook, but this was life or death and I was happy to have the giant on my side. When we were ready, Mutombo and I returned fire of all the balls, one by one eliminating Stiller and his goons. As we celebrated, Mutombo was hit in the face by a ball meant for me. He crumpled to the ground and I tearfully said goodbye to my new friend. The question remained: who had thrown the ball.

After an 18-month investigation headed up by Lt. Columbo, Perry Mason, Matlock and myself, we were informed that the good guys had won and our services were no longer needed. Before snapping out of my delirious state, Mutombo’s assassin was revealed to me by an informant. I bet you’re wondering who it was. Well, I’ll never tell. Or you could scroll down after today’s drink and find the answer…

Drink #70: Death in the Afternoon

Death in the Afternoon

  • 1 oz Absinthe
  • Top with Champagne
  • Garnish with a lemon wedge

The man who balled (sounds kind of dirty) my good friend Dikembe Mutombo was none other than (spoiler alert)… New World Order Hulk Hogan, complete with air guitar, leather weightlifting belt, and black spray paint. Damn you Hogan, damn you!

Hollywood Hogan

 

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
Ernest Hemingway’s favourite drink was a decent treat. It’s a pretty simple recipe and my favourite element of it was probably the Lemon Juice, as it added a sweetness to the bitter Absinthe and Champagne.

March 10 – Absinthe

Absinthe-Minded

Well, my little sippers, we’re kicking Absinthe Week off in style by rocking the classic serving of absinthe, tripping balls and seeing a few green fairies. While I’m in my state of delirium, here’s some information about the alcohol to mull over.

Absinthe is an anise-flavoured – that always makes me laugh and I often bug Mrs. Sip about the word ‘anise’ – spirit… apparently there’s even a green anise… might want to get that checked out. While often being depicted as an addictive, psychedelic, hallucination-inducing spirit, in reality absinthe is not known to cause visions. It does, however, contain a very high percentage of alcohol (60%).

Regardless, absinthe has been banned by many countries in the past. Switzerland (the country where absinthe was created) banned the libation in 1910 after a man named Jean Lanfray killed his wife and kids, allegedly the result of an absinthe-induced delusion. Of course, the fact that Lanfray (dude even got his own Wikipedia page) was an alcoholic who had also drank wine and brandy that night was overlooked. People just gotta hate. The U.S., Belgium, France, the Netherlands and even Brazil also banned absinthe.

Absinthe Banned

The liquor even inspired a movement against it, known as the ‘Temperance Movement’. A critic of the drink stated: “Absinthe makes you crazy and criminal, provokes epilepsy and tuberculosis, and has killed thousands of French people. It makes a ferocious beast of man, a martyr of woman, and a degenerate of the infant, it disorganizes and ruins the family and menaces the future of the country.”

Pretty harsh words, but the Sip Advisor likes to read between the lines. I want to be a beast of a man, as well as a degenerate and quite frankly, tuberculosis has nothing on me! Plus, I don’t see anything wrong with a few less French people in the world… I kid, I kid!

The term Green Fairy can refer to the euphoric state the drink is supposed to put you in, as depicted by numerous artists and writers. It also figures into the movie EuroTrip, causing twin siblings, Jamie and Jenny, to make out with one another. Oh, the crazy things teenagers will do. Absinthe is also important in some vampire fiction… how do you mistake red and green-coloured liquids? I guess they’ll drink anything.

Writer Oscar Wilde was a fan of absinthe, lamenting, “What difference is there between a glass of absinthe and a sunset?” Wilde was far from the only famous artist to get into the drink. Pablo Picasso painted many works that had an absinthe theme to them, including The Absinthe Drinker, The Poet Cornutti, and The Glass of Absinthe. While other artists (Edgar Degas, Vincent van Gogh) portrayed the spirit in a more positive light, Picasso depicted the negativities of the liquor.

The Absinthe Drinker

Ernest Hemingway was also an absinthian (thought I made that word up, but spell check is apparently cool with it, too). A word of caution though, as pointed out by others, Hemingway committed suicide and van Gogh cut his own ear off… might want to approach absinthe with caution.

The formation of the European Union helped bring absinthe out of the dark ages and gave the alcohol a renaissance of sorts, as approximately 200 brands now exist and manufacturers are no longer confined to laws that constrained the production and sale of the feared liquor.

Despite all the controversy, absinthe is actually good for you thanks to all the herbs that take on homeopathic qualities. A shot a day keeps the doctor away has always been my line of thinking. And guess what: it’s drinking time!

Drink #69: Absinthe

Absinthe Green Fairy

  • 1.5 oz Absinthe
  • Sugar Cubes
  • Top with Ice Cold Water

Absinthe PreparationAbsinthe Fire

Heh, drink #69… there is a special technique used for drinking the classic absinthe recipe. First pour the spirit into a glass, then place a special absinthe spoon (with sugar cubes) on top of the glass. Next, you pour the water over the sugar to dissolve it and the end result is creating the cloudy “green fairy” the drink is famous for. Stir it all up and enjoy.

You can even light the sugar cube on fire if you pour the absinthe over the sugar, as we did to our drink today. After lighting the cube, make sure the absinthe in the glass doesn’t catch fire, as it will destroy the alcohol and make the drink taste awful (so I am told… I don’t mess these sort of things up). When the flame burns out, add the cold water. Wash, rinse, repeat!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
Wow, what a process to make this drink. We even did the whole Bohemian method and lit the sucker on fire! As for taste, it wasn’t that bad. The Sugar Cube cuts into the bitterness of the Absinthe and the Water dilutes the spirit even more, making it an enjoyable cocktail.