July 18 – Rasputin Cocktail

Posted on July 18, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Idol Worship

Throughout my life, I have found myself fascinated by certain individuals. People whose life stories intrigue me and make me want to actually “learn” more about them and their history. I wouldn’t say that these people are idols of mine, but they are extremely interesting folks, with tales that tend to captivate the masses.

Steve Jobs

While I’m not the biggest fan of Apple and its products (seriously, how annoying is the iTunes interface and non-compatibility?), I find Steve Jobs, the company’s founder and later saviour, to be a captivating case study. He lived a short life, but made the most of his time on earth. We can credit Jobs with so many innovations, from home computers, virtually every device with an ‘i’ in front of it, and even Pixar movies, the company he grew between his Apple stints.

Walt Disney

As a massive fan of Disneyland, I pay much homage to the man who first imagined the concept and then put his dream into work, jeopardizing everything he had built to that point, from reputation to life savings to his studio to his physical well-being. Every time I’m privileged to be in one of his parks (and particularly one that serves alcohol), I’m sure to say a little thanks to the legend and have a drink in his honour.

Ric Flair

For those who read my blog regularly, by now you should know that no Sip Adivsor list would be complete without a wrestling reference. This man styled and profiled his way to wrestling greatness and in the process lived the extravagant lifestyle of his on-screen character. Flair has been married (and divorced) four times and suffered great financial losses from bad investments, legal issues, and a lifetime of partying. Still, the ‘Nature Boy’ keeps ticking, making occasional appearances in the ring and still delighting fans with his over-the-top charisma and energy.

Rasputin

The amazing story of the assassination of Grigori Rasputin is one that first caught my attention in my high school history class. Now that I’ve actually visited Russia and been inside the room where his murder took place, I’m even more enthralled with the legend. For those who don’t know the details, Rasputin was poisoned, shot, stabbed and beaten, before being thrown into the frozen Neva River. Evidence later showed that water was in his lungs when his body was discovered, meaning he was still alive when thrown into his watery grave and likely succumbed to drowning.

Jimmy Stewart

Did you know that the It’s a Wonderful Life star was also a highly-decorated United States military pilot (the only actor to receive a higher ranking was Ronald Reagan, when he became president of the United States and commander-in-chief)? So, not only is Stewart one of my favourite actors, but you have to respect a guy that went to war throughout an acclaimed acting career.

Drink #199: Rasputin Cocktail

2 oz Russian Vodka (I used Beluga)
1 oz Frangelico
Garnish with Lemon Twist

One more person who fascinates me, is myself. I often ponder my own existence and I’m blown away with what I’ve accomplished and continue to achieve. I’m a wrecking ball of awesomeness, steamrolling the lame, and making this world a better place, one cocktail at a time!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
I didn’t think I’d like this cocktail as much as I did. The Frangelico was nice and not overwhelming. I split half of the Vodka portion of the recipe between Plain Vodka and Raspberry Vodka and that accentuated the entire cocktail.

July 17 – Gambon’s Corner

Posted on July 17, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Are You Being Served?

Perhaps it’s my old age, but I’ve found myself increasingly becoming a bit of a stickler for high standards… providing I’m not expected to deliver them! With that in mind, here are the most annoying things about bars:

Troubles Waiting to be Served

It absolutely sucks when you feel that you’re constantly being passed over by the bar staff, in favour of girls who are falling out of their tops and douche bags that are pushy and demanding to be helped. I understand that the bar can get busy, but that’s why queues of any sort should be established. I like the bars where servers work one general area, allowing orders to be processed in a logistical fashion.

Nowhere for Coats

Obviously, this isn’t a big deal during the summer, but I don’t discriminate over seasonal drinking, so it sucks to walk into a bar that only features stools so that you have to throw your coat over your lap or sit on it. I’ve noticed that some joints actually have hooks underneath tables and ledges, allowing you to discard your jacket or other layered paraphernalia.

Lineup outside, Empty Inside

This is a dirty little trick businesses use to drum up business, making it appear like their place is so rocking that people are lining up around the block for the privilege of getting inside. Then, when you do get in, you find the bar, dance floor, etc. to be deserted and you wonder why you ever had to wait to get in at all. Luckily I refuse to wait in line to drink. Why overpay for cocktails I can make myself and waste my time in line when my personal bar is so much better?

Bars that Don’t Announce Last Call

Ever go up to purchase what you think will be your last drink of the evening (at least at the bar… night caps at home are always on the agenda!) and the barkeep informs you that last call has already passed? Well, excuse me… oh no he didn’t… you see, the announcement of last call must be audible to all in attendance and if your establishment is too loud for that (more on that subject later), you should have some sort of bell to impart that wisdom. Otherwise, serve me my god damn drink!

Sticky Floors

When you walk around a bar and you constantly have to pry your feet from the floor, it makes you start to wonder if the hygiene behind the bar matches. How clean is the glassware, the garnishes, the taps, everything? I’m not complaining about a small patch where some jackass just spilled his entire Jager Bomb, but the kind of pub where every step is like Velcro being pulled apart.

People Taking Large Tables for Small Groups

As much as it sucks to walk into a bar and not be able to find a seat, I can live with that (after all, first come, first served), providing people are at tables fit for their party. I understand that grabbing any table that opens up is a huge score, especially if you’ve been waiting a while, but to see two people occupying a table meant for six or eight customers can really be heartbreaking.

Loud/Bad Music

I hate going to places where I can’t converse with Mrs. Sip or any of the friends we may be out with. What’s the point! If we wanted to sit there and listen to music we have no control over, yelling at each other to be heard, and paying for expensive drinks, we should just go to my house. You can donate to the Sip Foundation, while I blast a random iPod, and yell at people about my grievances!

Gross Bathrooms

Given most bars are trying to encourage your appetite for either food, booze, or both, it’s amazing how many places have disgusting bathrooms. Granted, the people drinking in the establishment are really to blame for the mess, but a little regular upkeep will have customers returning to their tables still in the mood for beer and poutine. Mmmm, beer and poutine!

Unisex Bathrooms

Sticking with washroom issues (no, not that kind of issue), whoever dreamt up this idea was a total fool. Guys go the bathroom to get away from the ladies. Otherwise we’d be as rude as we wanted in their presence. And no girl wants to share a bathroom with a dude. They want to keep all their secrets to themselves. Plus, guys love that they never have to wait in line and laugh at the winding queue that usually builds outside the ladies room.

Obnoxious Drunks

We’ve all been there and it’s not a bar’s fault, unless they haven’t done their job to stop serving some twerp, but an obnoxious drunk can be the last straw on whether you stay at a pub or move on to another place. It’s bad when that obnoxious drunk is in your group and they follow you around to every joint you try to hit. Worst yet, if that obnoxious drunk is you, you’ll never be able to escape…

Drink #198: Gambon’s Corner

1.5 oz Tequila (I used 1800 Reposado)
Top with Watermelon Juice
Splash of Lemon Juice
Dashes of Orange Bitters

This drink comes from the Be At One menu I liberated, while on vacation in London recently. It was in this wonderful bar where I first concocted the idea for this post, noting that many other pubs I had visited just couldn’t compare. What draws you ire when you’re out and about town looking for the love of your life, sweet lady liquor!?

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I wasn’t sure where to rank this drink. Then I added a little Simple Syrup to the mix to combat how strong the Tequila and Lemon Juice were and we had a hit. For those wondering where the name for this cocktail comes from, that mystery has now been solved thanks to a little research. It is named after Sir Michael Gambon, who completed a Top Gear test track corner (now named in his honour) on only two wheels!

July 16 – Godfather

Posted on July 16, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Classic Concentration

With today’s classic movie named drink, it’s turned my mind to all the landmark movies I’ve never seen, but really should get around to viewing. I’ve spent way too much time watching repeats of Dumb and Dumber and other movies I could see over and over again, instead of trying some new fare. Here’s my list of flicks I hope to check out at a couch near me soon!

Citizen Kane

Noted by many in the industry (and outside it) as the greatest film ever made, the closest I can say I’ve come to seeing it is the spoof The Simpsons did of the classic, with Mr. Burns searching for his long lost teddy bear. To be honest, I’m not ever really sure what Citizen Kane is about other than a sled called Rosebud… I hope I didn’t give away the ending or anything. Retroactive SPOILER ALERT!

My Fair Lady

Another classic film where my understanding of it comes from parodies. Family Guy did an episode once where Stewie Griffin discovers a young, unpolished English girl and works to civilize her, eventually falling in love with her. Musicals are more Mrs. Sips thing, but I’ll play along providing I’ve had enough to drink and I’m given a little treat at the end of the film… mmmm, chocolate ice cream…

Gone With the Wind

“Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn!” If that iconic line wasn’t enough, you also have the performances of Clark Gable and Vivien Leigh. Legend has it that the studio had to campaign hard to use that ending line in the film, despite the fact it comes verbatim from the book. Think about the stuff Hollywood gets away with nowadays and it’s very hard to believe those words were ever an issue.

Schindler’s List

Mrs. Sip picked up a special edition set of this film a number of years back and we have still yet to pop it into the DVD player. After touring a concentration camp in Austria a few years back, it would have been the perfect time to accentuate what we had learned with this movie, but when we got back, life picked up at a hurried pace and we never got around to watching the Oscar winner.

Fritz the Cat

As a lover of adult animated comedy, I should really go back and watch one of the trailblazers in the genre. Fritz the Cat follows the adventures of Fritz, who’s no ordinary kitty. The movie is full of adult situations including drugs, sex and violence. It was the first animated movie to receive an X-rating. A sequel also followed, titled The Nine Lives of Fritz the Cat, which has the feline die at the end of each chapter.

The 10 Commandments

Perhaps I would care and understand more about religion if I watched this film… perhaps I still wouldn’t give a damn. Scratch that, I still won’t give a damn. Hell, I don’t even know what each of the 10 Commandments are. Something about adultery and stealing and neighbours… I don’t know. The movie still seems like a worthwhile watch, though, thanks to Charleston Heston’s iconic portrayal of Moses and a host of other classic actors.

Taxi Driver

The flick that launched the careers of Robert De Niro, Jodie Foster and director Martin Scorcese (and also indirectly resulted in an assassination attempt on US president Ronald Reagan). De Niro’s portrayal of Travis Bickle, a former U.S. marine who suffers a breakdown of sorts, has been cited as one of the greatest performances of all time, leading to John Hinckley, Jr. copying the character’s image and trying to kill the commander-in-chief, with the hopes of impressing Foster.

The Godfather, Part II

While I’ve seen the first Godfather, I have yet to watch the follow-up, which many regard to be the greatest sequel of all time. What will Michael Corleone do next, now that he’s running the show, following the passing of his father? With so many years passing between my viewing of the original film, I feel I’d have to go back and start from square one, but it was a good movie, so I don’t really mind.

Drink #197: Godfather

1.5 oz Scotch (I used Glenfiddich Millenium Vintage)
0.75 oz Amaretto
Garnish with Orange Twist

Well, that’s the list. Which one do you think I’ll get around to watching first? Have I missed anything that should be viewed ahead of all these classics?

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
I really liked this night cap and it gave me a perfect chance to bust out our crystal short glasses for the first time with this project. The Amaretto takes the edge off of the Scotch, making for an easy to drink and delicious cocktail. I added an Orange Twist as the garnish because of Marlon Brando’s death scene in the first Godfather.

July 15 – Lay Back and Relax

Posted on July 15, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Panic Attack

We’ve all been there… these incidents come up in our lives and although they are relatively routine, our anxiety level rises, we begin to perspire, and all the crazy worst-case scenarios we can ponder rush through our mind. Then, when it’s all over we let out a light chuckle and wonder why we got so worried in the first place…

Gas Light Comes On

You’ve been watching your gas meter for most of the drive, noticing it incrementally drop as you make your trek. You get your first moment of panic as it drops under the 1/8th notch and continues to fall sharply. Then, the little orange light flashes on and you’re a mess, thinking your car will break down right then and there. Until you find a gas station, especially if you’re in unfamiliar territory, you’re a nervous wreck. When you find a station you race into it, nearly hitting a pedestrian or two (don’t worry, they don’t matter) and you fill your car up like breathing oxygen into a breathless human. All’s well that ends well!

Meeting a Celebrity

Not that I’ve met many in my life, but the few I have (in a non-working, journalistic capacity) have caused me to get super shy and tongue-tied. Broski Sip and I once went to a nearby Walmart to meet wrestler Bret Hart and have him sign his autobiography, which was to be my Christmas gift that year from Broski. As we approached his table, all I could utter was a quick thank you, before we shuffled off. A few months later, I conducted a 15-minute interview over the phone with the grappling legend, without a single star-struck moment.

Splitting the Bill/Calculating Tips

You’re out with friends for dinner or drinks and the bill comes. How should it be split? Who ordered what? How’s everyone paying? I think it’s just all the questions that come up after a bill has been presented that can raise anxiety. I don’t know why tipping gets me a little nervous. I’m a good tipper and many places now give you suggested percentages to tip. If you’re paying electronically, you can let science do all the calculations. We all just need to relax a little.

Getting ID’d

I’ve been legal age in Canada for more than a decade and even in the U.S., for quite some time. I don’t get as apprehensive about it anymore, but when I was in my mid-20’s I got worried every time I was ID’d. Would they accuse me of having fake identification? Not likely. I still get worried sometimes across the border, because they don’t necessarily know what our IDs look like and we have had some incidents where they insist on a passport over our normally adequate driver’s licenses.

Parallel Parking

I absolutely hate parallel parking to the point where I refuse to do it. This can be an issue sometimes, given I live in a downtown core and am often forced to run errands for Mrs. Sip (hmmm, maybe my problem is Mrs. Sip!?) I’m actually a decent parallel parker if I have to do it, but I’ve rarely been forced into the situation, so why risk it when you can usually find a better and more accessible spot with a little patience?

Border Crossing

This one is very similar to getting ID’d. I think it’s just because you don’t know what to expect from a border guard. Will they be friendly, or a total jerk? What questions will they ask you? Even if you haven’t done anything wrong in your entire life, you feel like a border patrol agent will somehow sniff out your one minor transgression. Then, all they ask you is where you’re going and wave you through without incident!

Getting a Haircut

Every time I get a haircut, there’s always a few moments at the start of the job, when you look in the mirror and look so totally ridiculous that thoughts start running through your head about how your luck has finally run out and this will be an awful haircut. I always think, if all else fails I could shave my head (a little ace in the hole for the male sex). Of course, the haircut always turns out well in the end, but for those few moments when you can’t see that the end result will be fine, you’re sweating bullets.

Drink #196: Lay Back and Relax

1 oz Kahlua
1 oz Amaretto
0.5 oz Chambord
Splash of Grand Marnier
Top with Milk
Garnish with Strawberry and Palm Tree Stir Stick

I know I’m not the only one that has a small panic during these moments. Join me in exercising your demons and perhaps you won’t feel so bad about these tasks in the future. Have I missed anything that really makes you anxious? Like Frasier Crane, I’m listening!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I figured this drink would be good and I wasn’t disappointed. It might be a little sweet for some, but that can be solved by dropping the increments of some of the spirits and upping the milk content. A perfect cocktail for dessert.

July 14 – Guillotine

Posted on July 14, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Devices of Death

Implements of execution and their history are cruel but fascinating from many perspectives. Whether you look at the technology that has gone into the design or the history behind it, there is much to learn. Here are some of the contraptions that caught my attention after making today’s drink:

Guillotine

People are always looking to make things more efficient and the French nailed it when they took the age old act of beheading someone and mechanized it. Out were the days of needing multiple hacks of an often worn blade to sever a victim’s head, and in were the new days of “humanitarian” beheading. The guillotine became a popular image of the French Revolution, particularly the “Reign of Terror” period, which caused much upheaval in the country and saw the executions of King Louie XVI and Queen Marie Antoinette, among others. The best nickname for the Guillotine had to be ‘The National Razor’. The Sanson family of France was a six-generation dynasty (is that the right word for this!?) of executioners and Charles-Henri Sanson was largely responsible for making the guillotine the country’s next great killing machine.

Electric Chair

With the modernization of many death machines, designers were bound to harness the power of electricity for executions. As Thomas Edison worked to launch his direct current (DC) electricity, he publicly electrocuted an elephant and other animals using George Westinghouse’s competing alternating current (AC). The campaign to discourage the use of AC worked in at least one way: it was used for electric chairs beginning in 1890. The chair lost favour with many quickly (including Westinghouse) due to its high degree of cruelty and its failure to execute a criminal quickly. A photo of Ruth Snyder’s execution in 1928 was snapped by photojournalist Tom Howard, who was wearing a camera strapped to his ankle. It has become one of the most famous newspaper photos of all-time. While ‘the chair’ is rarely used today, it is still an option for many death row inmates, depending on the state they are incarcerated in.

Hangman’s Noose

The legendary device depicted in so many western movies and used around the world to end the lives of the guilty and sometimes innocent. Victims were more likely to have their necks snapped, rather than asphyxiation through being strangled by the rope. After a series of failed hangings (one dude survived three separate trips to the gallows, earning the nickname ‘The Man They Couldn’t Hang’) in the late 1800’s, a committee was formed to solve the issue and developed the ‘Official Table of Drops’ which examined just how much rope was needed, depending on weight, to terminate a criminal by breaking their neck in the process. Ah, science at its best. If the hangman’s noose had never been invented, we may never have discovered auto-erotic asphyxiation, so I guess you have to thank the device for that!

Euthanasia Coaster

When I used to play Rollercoaster Tycoon, sometimes for fun you’d build a ride that would launch passengers flying through the air and into a deadly crash landing. While, that’s not exactly what would happen with the Euthanasia Coaster (still a hypothetical invention), the ride has been designed to kill people who wish to end their lives. Using G-force to cause an insufficient supply of oxygen to the brain, most people would be brain dead after two of the seven vertical loops. Most interesting about the ride’s design is that they’ll have a body unloading zone… how many people do they expect to go through this? Although, admittedly, it would be my preferred way to go.

Drink #195: Guillotine

1 oz Butterscotch Schnapps
1 oz Irish Crème
1 oz Fireball Whiskey
Garnish with Strawberry (preferably headless)
Add some Strawberry Syrup for blood effect!

I picked this drink partly because it fits with celebrating Bastille Day (France’s National Holiday), but also because I find these execution devices to be quite intriguing… providing I never end up in or on one.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
Poor little Strawberry all decapitated and all… this was a Sip Advisor art project, and I think it went reasonably well. I wish I had put half the effort I did into this posed photo into my schooling days… maybe I`d be more than a blog jockey then. The drink itself was quite enjoyable with notes of Cinnamon and an underlying Butterscotch flavour.

July 12 – Chocolate Milk Mojito

Posted on July 12, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Back In My Day…

As it is with every generational gap, there are a number of things my children will never get to experience and when I sit them down and tell them about my numerous adventures and quests, they will be forced to ask (as they are gripped by the power of my tales), “Daddy, what’s that?” I will shed a brief tear as I detail a treasure we’ve all lost and an experience point they will never gain (or even need). Love it or hate it, this is the way of our world.

Going to the Video Store

I wasn’t a big video store patron growing up, but we always joke that Mrs. Sip’s dad largely funded his local store with his renting activities, in all likelihood, keeping them in business a couple months more than they had any right to be. I do have to say that there was always a thrill when you’d be taken out to rent a flick. What would you grab for your evening entertainment? What would be available? Would your favourite flick be waiting on the shelf or would it be heartbreakingly gone? And just think of the snacks that flowed as you snuggle up and enjoy your movie. It’s a party…until you have to rush the Video/DVD back by noon the next day or risk the late fines!

Tapes, CDs, DVDs

Every generation loses an item that was previously used to record music or pictures. Growing up, I saw the phasing out of records, tapes, and video cassettes. My kids will likely come into a world where there are absolutely no products to be purchased in order to enjoy entertainment. Everything is becoming downloadable and streamable. Services like iTunes and Netflix are rendering stores like Best Buy, HMV, and Future Shop useless and the evolution continues.

Chalkboards and Overhead Projectors

This one may all be for the better. White boards are infinitely superior to gross, dusty chalkboards, while PowerPoint presentations surely top annoying, impractical overhead projectors. I dreaded being picked in school to either write on the chalkboard or projector, knowing my writing style would result in smudged chalk or pen. Things are just so much more sterilized these days and I bet even if chalkboards were still the norm, half the kids in the school wouldn’t be able to use them due to the discovery of chalk allergy. Might as well wrap them up in bubbles…

Trans-Fats

With this overwhelming move to healthier lifestyles in recent years (which I am in favour of), we’re losing a lot of wonderful junk food items. We must remember that snacks are okay in moderation. It’s a person’s own choice how much restraint they actually enact. Just because some fatty wants to stuff a few more Oreos in their gullet shouldn’t affect my ability to have a Tollhouse Ice Cream Cookie Sandwich with all its glorious trans-fats still in place. Sadly, my children won’t get to experience such an occasional treat as this.

Walking to School

It seems kids get driven everywhere nowadays. Or if, in the rare case, they actually walk to school, they are accompanied by a parent from door-to-door. Gone are the days when your group of children would gather in a cul-de-sac and traverse the mean streets together. I believe that eventually legs will become redundant and humans will turn into a race of non-walkers. It’s already happening at the world’s biggest theme parks and will be coming to a town near you soon!

Pennies and Paper Money

Penny for your thoughts? Ha, not anymore. Pennies are being eradicated from the earth and finding lose change on the street (a childhood thrill) will soon be a figment of the past with more and more folks from my generation refusing to carry anything but plastic. My kids will also never have to worry about washing their clothes with money in their pocket, thanks to Canada’s new polymer bills. While this is good in that I won’t have to worry about their allowance being destroyed, it won’t teach them to keep track of their belongings and value their gifts.

Drink #193: Chocolate Milk Mojito (A Sip Advisor Original Recipe)

Muddled Mint Leaves and Limes
1.5 oz White Rum (I used Bacardi)
0.5 oz Peppermint Schnapps
Top with Chocolate Milk
Garnish with Chocolate Straw and Lime Wedge

I think for one week every year, we should force our children to live the way we did, giving them a chance to reflect on how good they have it – and also how awesome our lives have been. We could call it: A Blast from the Past, and while our kids beg us to return to normalcy, we shall refuse, for we are having too much fun!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (2 Sips out of 5):
This had potential, but I might have misfired in some areas. I would remove the Lime and Peppermint Schnapps from future servings, as the Mint Liqueur is unnecessary and the Lime doesn’t play nice with the Chocolate Milk. Failure is not having the courage to try!

July 11 – Cracked Chandelier

Posted on July 11, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Smash and Grab

I think we all enjoy to see a little chaos and destruction… it’s just human nature. With that in mind, I started thinking of the best things to see broken or smashed, preferably tossed off of skyscrapers like David Letterman used to do on his talk show. Perhaps he still does. I don’t know, I’m usually passed out by then, dreaming up these wonderful articles!

Chandelier

One of the greatest scenes in media history is to see a chandelier fall from great heights, splintering into thousands of pieces when it comes to hit the floor below. When it falls on top of a person, the stakes are raised even higher. Of course, the most famous crashing chandelier has to be from Phantom of the Opera, when the ghastly Phantom sabotages the opera’s chandelier, wreaking havoc as only he can.

Champagne Waterfall

On my most recent cruise vacation, I was mere minutes away from actually getting to see this remarkable moment. When our group showed up for the traditional formal dinner and champagne waterfall, all we were treated with was cruise staff cleaning up the wreckage of shattered glass. Apparently the ship had titled just a little too much and down came the pyramid.

Watermelon

While people starve to death around the world, prop comic Gallagher started a revolution, smashing perfectly good to eat fruit in the name of entertainment. His ‘Sledge-O-Matic’ mallet became legendary and with every swing, audiences ate up (sometimes literally) the results of his destruction. I’m salivating over the watermelon and the thoughts of the things I could do with my own Sledge-O-Matic. Do you think it would work for muddling!?

Tank

These beastly vehicles are supposed to be practically indestructible. That doesn’t mean we can’t have some fun trying to wreck them to the nth degree! I think the dude (known as Tank Man… what a wicked name!) from the infamous Tiananmen Square Massacre, who stood defiant in front of the tanks going to break up the student protest, should be our leader, gaining further vengeance on the machine he seems to have some sort of ominous power over.

Slurpee Machine

I can only imagine the rainbow that would be painted if a fully stocked (we’re talking all eight flavours) Slurpee machine was dropped from extraordinary heights onto the hard cold ground below. Would you be willing to drink whatever concoction was formed by the carnage? I would certainly give it a shot, providing I could dump a little liquid sunshine into the mix, in the form of a high-alcohol spirit!

Entire Turkey Dinner

Most people say that their family dinners turn into complete nightmares when people start drinking and yapping and stirring up old issues. I say to hell with the dinner, let’s just take the whole shebang and toss it off a rooftop. Imagine the delight of passersby having to dodge gravy, stuffing, mashed potatoes, and the big bird itself. Sounds like a ton of fun to me and a wonderful way to give back to society!

Christmas Tree/Pumpkin

In a similar vein to the turkey dinner above, a tradition at Ma and Pa Sip’s place is to get rid of the ol’ Christmas tree and Halloween pumpkins by launching them off the front balcony. One year, Mrs. Sip took part in the pumpkin ritual and when she asked if she was supposed to get it in the garbage can below, I wise-assedly said “uh, no”. The result was a pumpkin hurled directly at Pa Sip, who had to react quickly not to be victimized by his future daughter-in-law.

Drink #192: Cracked Chandelier

1.5 oz Sambuca
1.5 oz White Rum
Top with Lemon-Lime Soda
Garnish with Licorice Candies

Surely, there are items I’ve neglected and you should let me know of my egregious errors. Take me to task. Make me atone for my transgressions. I dare you… no, I double dog dare you. Yeah, it’s that serious!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I remember serving this drink at one of the first family functions I bartended and it didn’t go over great with most people… even those who have a fondness for Sambuca. Still, I was willing to try it again. The sour from the Soda and Lime Wedges compliment the sweet and licorice taste of the Sambuca. I don’t think this cocktail will work for everyone, but for my acquired palate, it was enjoyable.

July 10 – Snickertini

Posted on July 10, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Chocolate on My Mind

Chocolate bars are enticing enough on their own, but a good slogan can really grab your attention and steer you towards that product in particular. Here are some of the best chocolate bar catchphrases:

M&M’s – “Melts in your mouth, not in your hands!”

A great slogan that has also been lampooned in many sexual contexts, as civilization becomes filthier with each passing day. While I’m a Smarties man myself, when it comes to the milk chocolate varieties between the two companies I like that M&M’s has gone on to experiment and make a number of different flavour options. M&M Peanuts and M&M Pretzels have to be among my preferred chocolate adaptations.

Butterfinger – “Nobody better lay a finger on my Butterfinger!”

This catchphrase dates back to when Bart Simpson was the spokesperson for the treat. Commercials usually featured Homer trying to enjoy the chocolate bar, only for things to go tragically wrong for the poor lug. When the contract between the show and Butterfinger was terminated, The Simpsons writers took a few shots at the chocolate bar, including it not being flammable, with Chief Wiggum stating, “Even the fire doesn’t want them.”

Twix – “Two for me, none for you!”

Somehow, Mrs. Sip never got the memo Twix was sending out, as she always thinks the two bars are perfect to split. To that, I say “Only on date nights!” The other 364 days of the year, both bars better be going down my gullet. There’s just something about chocolate, caramel and cookie that work together so perfectly and keep me coming back for more.

Snickers – “Hungry? Why wait?” / “You’re not you when you’re hungry…”

Snickers is one of my favourite chocolate bars (hence the push for today’s martini) and the company has also put out some solid ads. I particularly like the “You’re not you when you’re hungry …” campaign, which has featured Joe Pesci, Bobcat Goldthwait and Robin Williams, among others. I’ve even eaten a Snickers bar with a fork and knife, first shown on Seinfeld… it’s the only way to truly enjoy it!

Kit Kat – “Have a break, have a Kit Kat.” / “Gimme a break!”

According to Mrs. Sip, this is another treat that’s perfect for sharing… just like McDonalds fries, beer, peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, etc. She’s a freakin’ mooch is what she is. I get my revenge, though, when I inform her that she is in fact perfect for sharing and if she wants anymore of my god damn Kit Kat, she better be willing to even things up on her end!

Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups – “There’s no wrong way to eat a Reese’s!”

I’m pretty sure I could find a couple ways, actually! Did they consider things like eating while upside down, which would certainly a choking risk? How about while swimming, getting chocolate and peanut butter contamination in the pool? On the toilet doesn’t seem very hygienic, either. And I won’t even delve into the dirty part of my mind, which sadly takes up over 80% of me noggin’.

Mars – “A Mars a day helps you work, rest and play.”

It also helps diabetes come visit a little sooner than originally expected! I guess if you’re actually following the work, rest, and play mantra you might be okay with a chocolate bar each day, but wouldn’t you want some variety mixed in there? Granted, Mars is a pretty decent treat, but I wouldn’t want to commit all my resources to one basket. I’m a man of simple, but varied pleasures!

Oh Henry! – “Oh hungry? Oh Henry!”

Nobody knows exactly where the chocolate bar’s name came from, but it has featured in everything from the All in the Family TV series, to being thrown on the field every time slugger Henry Rodriguez hit a homerun. When I am hungry and craving a snack, Oh Henry is one of my desired chocolate bars, thanks to its blend of peanuts, caramel and nougat.

Drink #191: Snickertini

Decorate glass with Caramel Syrup
1.5 oz Vodka
0.5 oz Bailey’s Irish Crème
0.5 oz Chocolate Liqueur
0.5 oz Amaretto
Splash of Milk
Garnish with Snickers Stir Stick

As much as I enjoy chocolate bars, I have to say that drinking them also satisfies my sweet tooth. Give it a shot next time you’re craving a bar and see if it works in quelling the uprising in your stomach!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
This martini is decent, but some sips can be strong. The full Snickers bar bumps it up the extra .5 point, even if Mrs. Sip didn’t want me to plunk it into the cocktail. If you’re going to try the Caramel Syrup spiral, make sure you have a bottle of the stuff that can actually get into the glass! Thanks to some improvisation we got something that looked photogenic enough, despite our bottle issue.

July 9 – Woo Woo

Posted on July 9, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Things That Make You Go Woo

While I’m not one to show my emotions easily, there are many things in my life that bring out an emotional charge in me that few ever knew existed. Here are the things that make me (and I’m sure many others) go woo!

Shots & Shooters

You had to figure that the Sip Advisor gets his motor running with alcohol. And nothing beats slamming back something hard like whiskey or tequila and shouting out a resounding woo as your face goes fuzzy and you ride the burn of the liquid shredding past your throat and down your esophagus. Might as well load up another round… the party is just getting started!

Beautiful Women

When I see Mrs. Sip dressed up in anything from her sexy business attire to nothing at all, I may have to mutter it under my breath, so as not to cause a public disturbance, but you can bet her sweet ass that I’m going woo-woo-woo, as my mind spins and the salivary glands completely disregard the information my brain has passed on to them.

Ric Flair

The venerable wrestler has long had the catchphrase of simply shouting “Woooooooooo” and having the crowd echo it back to him. Every time he would chop an opponent across the chest, the fans would shout in unison along with the sick sound of slapping skin, all the while watching the victim’s chest turn red with welts. Flair’s catchphrase has even been adopted by a number of sports teams, being played following a goal or other scored point.

Rollercoasters

One of the greatest thrills for me is going over the apex of the first drop on a rollercoaster and falling at blazing speeds, screaming at the top of your lungs and preparing to do it again on the next descent. Everything from my first coaster, Montezuma’s Revenge at Knott’s Berry Farm to my all-time favourite, Space Mountain at the Disney parks is good reason to damage your voice box.

I hope they saved me a seat!

Bungee Jumping

When you step up to the edge of the platform and you feel the chord that’s supposed to support you drop into the open air below, you get a sense of what your body is about to do. There’s no turning back, though. Just jump, spread your wings and fly, all the while screaming as you plummet towards the earth below! That free-fall feeling is almost euphoric… providing you’re not afraid of heights! Whoo hoo!

Sports Triumphs

Being from Vancouver, Canada, we haven’t had many of these (40-plus years of hockey futility, mixed with losing our NBA and NLL franchises), but even if you’re live at the stadium, a big goal can lift you to your feet and have you high-fiving complete strangers in an instant. We did have the 2011 run to the Stanley Cup Finals and although it ended with disappointment (and a riot), the ride was absolutely fantastic!

Drink #190: Woo Woo

1 oz Vodka
0.5 oz Peach Schnapps
Top with Cranberry Juice
Garnish with a Lime Wheel

What makes you go “woo”? It’s okay if it’s something weird like bird watching or gardening. To each their own, I always say.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
For some reason, Peach Schnapps and Cranberry Juice go so well together. It’s a nice mix of sweet and tart and the top shelf Vodka certainly helps. It also comes Mrs. Sip approved!

July 8 – Bend Me Over Slammer

Posted on July 8, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Drinking Class

Over my years of experience, I’ve noticed that there are many different classes of drinkers. Like a Lord of the Rings quest, you have your wizards, elves, dwarves, and hobbits and together, you all make up a party of sorts. Let’s take a look at who might be travelling with your troupe:

Sippers

The Sipper slowly consume their drinks. They may only have a couple at a gathering, taking their time to work their way through a drink… a drink that is largely ice-diluted by the time they finish. I’m not saying Mama Sip belongs in this category, but Broski Sip and I once humourously watched her gingerly sip at a drink for nearly an hour when we were at a family function in Germany and wanted to get back to our hotel (it was 3am and we had been outside all night with people who mostly only spoke the native language, as fabulous as they all were… we assume). The heartbreaking moment came at the point where she went in for a sip, got distracted by a relative and pulled the drink away from her mouth.

Slammers

The Slammer arrives at a party and goes to work like liquor is a commodity on the brink of extinction. They down a few drinks in quick succession, taking little time to actually enjoy the concoction, be it beer, wine, well drink or anything else. Before you know it, the Slammer is drunk off their ass and looking for a place to nap (in best case scenarios). Don’t get me wrong, the Slammer is fun for those few hours they’re able to join the party, but when they come crashing down, it’s best to send them on their way, find them a bed or at the very least, make sure they know where the vomitorium is.

Guzzlers

The Guzzler seems to always have a drink in his hand. Once one is finished, another is being poured. This is likely the category where your friendly neighbourhood Sip Advisor falls into. It is the alcohol version of a chain smoker… minus the emphysema and cancer.

Complainers

I’m often working hard in The Sip Advisor lab making creations for our friends. Most people enjoy getting to try unique drinks for free that anywhere around where we live would cost $8-$10 minimum. But you get the odd guest who doesn’t necessarily complain about the taste of the drink, but the alcohol content. You make them a single and they say they can’t taste the alcohol. Well, in a perfectly made cocktail, you shouldn’t be overwhelmed by the alcohol. So, I do what any spurned bartender would: double up the alcohol in their next drink. Of course, now they’re complaining that it’s too strong. What do I care, it’s not like I get tipped anyway!

Shooter

A Shooter enjoys their drinks in a similar fashion to the Slammer, but has greater longevity. They drink quickly and often, having a high survival rate. These are the people you want in charge of a function because they can keep their stuff together no matter how many libations they have imbibed in.

Unfinishers

This is the group I like the least. A cardinal rule in the Sip Advisor offices is that no drop of liquor goes wasted. The Unfinisher routinely leaves drinks half consumed… a total waste of precious alcohol and mixer. In my opinion, this should be a punishable offence. And that punishment shall be death by intoxication. Okay, maybe that’s a little harsh. How about they have to go around and finish every single half-downed drink at the party?

The Jekyll & Hyde

This one is quite obvious; it’s the drinker whose personality drastically changes with only a couple drinks: The quiet people who become loud and obnoxious. The tame people who become bold and daring. The people whose language of choice seems to change with each libation. You’ll notice that drinking never really has an opposite effect on Type-A personalities, only Type-B. If a person is already an asshole, drinking will only enhance their assholeness.

Like looking in a mirror!

The Yo-Yo

One drink, one water… slow and steady wins the race. These are the folks who fear hangovers so much that they spend a great deal of time prepping against one. Hey, whatever works for ya. Thankfully, I’m impervious to being hung. Not that I’m opposed to water… I love that shizzle!

One More Drink People

Another section that you could lump the Sip Advisor into. I’m always down with the concept of one for the road. The problem is, myself and my kin never really know when “one for the road” should ever really stop. Does it really matter, though? We’re pretty awesome people… just enjoy our company while it lasts!

Drink #189: Bend Me Over Slammer

1.5 oz Crown Royal Whiskey
1 oz Amaretto
Dash of Sweet & Sour Mix
Top with Club Soda
Garnish with Lime Wedge

Slam that sucker on the table and down it with vim and vigor. So, what kind of drinker are you? No complainers please!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
This is the first “slammer” we’ve featured at The Sip Advisor and it’s a fun little drink, despite the mess… and there was quite a bit of mess from the shaking and slamming in an attempt to get some bubbles going. I think the slammer concept is better performed in shot glasses, but I did as the recipe suggested. As far as taste goes, it was nice, but nothing amazing.

Sip Advisor

The Good, The Bad & The Bubbly

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