May 3 – Sidecar

Posted on May 3, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Sidekicking

The Sip Advisor has gone through numerous sidekicks over the years. I don’t have a good safety track-record with my associates and therefore find it hard to reel in replacements. Perhaps these guys and gals are looking for work. If so, please submit your resumes and head shots (females only) to Sip Advisor Headquarters, PO Box 84148. Best of luck to those applying!

Robin – Batman

Batman can get a lot of crazy stuff done on his own, but add in Robin and you have quite the dynamic duo. The ‘Boy Wonder’ is the quintessential sidekick. He knows his role as the number two and doesn’t overstep the boundaries of his part… except for his constant “holy, [insert something to do with their current predicament], Batman” musings.

Dr. Watson – Sherlock Holmes

Without Dr. Watson around, surely Sherlock Holmes would go insane under the weight of his own superior intelligence. Watson is the calming force that helps Sherlock work his way through mysteries and there’s the odd time where the good doctor’s problem solving ability is crucial in cracking a case. Mmmm, cracking a case… right, we’re not talking about beer.

Barney Fife – Andy Taylor

While Sheriff Andy Taylor was the straight man and level-headed leader of the Mayberry Police Department, his counterpart, Deputy Barney Fife was his inept, hapless partner. Together, they made a good pairing that kept the town safe and orderly, although Fife usually needed Taylor’s help to keep him safe from himself.

Dale Gribble – Hank Hill

While Dale is the kind of sidekick that causes more issues than he solves, he certainly keeps things interesting for best friend Hank. Dale’s paranoia has frequently got the best of him and one has to wonder if his career as a pest removal specialist – and all those toxic chemicals – isn’t to blame for some of his delusions. Hank has to reel his friend in from time to time, which is easy for the serious leader.

Milhouse Van Houten – Bart Simpson

And everything’s coming up Milhouse! It’s hard to tell sometimes if Milhouse is friends with Bart because he likes Bart or if he just wants to remain closer to his crush and Bart’s sister, Lisa. If there isn’t some degree of friendship between the two boys, then Milhouse has gone through a lot just for his unrequited love. Bart has caused him to get into a great deal of trouble, and when pressed as to why he’s friends with Milhouse, Bart struggles to answer, saying it is largely due to “geographic convenience”.

Barney Rubble – Fred Flintstone

Fred’s little buddy Barney is always up for Fred’s shenanigans and despite warning him of what the end results could be, Barney often goes along with the scheme. The two pals are both members of the Loyal Order of Water Buffalos and even work together at the Slate Rock and Gravel Company quarry. That’s a lot of time to spend with one person, but if it works for them, who am I to judge?

Mini-Me – Dr. Evil

The pint-sized clone of Dr. Evil may be small in stature, but he’s just as wicked as his “daddy”. Mini-Me also has the advantage of being at a perfect level for biting adversaries in the shin or delivering a devastating low blow. You can never stay too mad at the little guy, though, because he has such a sweet grin… even if it is hiding his evil side.

Diddy Kong – Donkey Kong

These two primates play off of each other so well that they have been able to keep Donkey Kong Country safe from evil crocodiles and slithering snakes on multiple occasions. Donkey Kong played the role of mentor to his young protégé Diddy, as they bashed their way over all the baddies who meant them harm. Diddy (no relation to Puff Daddy) even branched out and took the lead in his own game, letting Donkey enjoy a comfortable retirement in his banana horde. He hasn’t been seen in years!

Dwight Schrute – Michael Scott

In his constant pursuit of a management position at the Dunder-Mifflin paper company, Dwight Schrute idolizes manager Michael Scott, even if his treatment at the hands of his boss isn’t always the kindest. Dwight is often placed into the role of Assistant to the Regional Manager, which he claims means Assistant Regional Manager. Meanwhile, he’s stuck doing Michael’s laundry and other menial tasks, while others are promoted ahead of him.

Drink #123: Sidecar

1.5 oz Brandy (I used Meagher’s Apricot Brandy)
1.5 oz Cointreau
Splash of Lemon Juice
Garnish with an Orange Slice

When I was younger, Broski Sip was my sidekick and partner in crime. He’s since moved onto other endeavors, while I continue to pursue worldwide awesomeness. Mrs. Sip was offered his spot, but she declined, wanting to live a long life. So, I ask, who has the intestinal fortitude to join me in this pursuit? You will never regret it!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I’m learning quickly that I really enjoy Apricot Brandy. It very nicely accentuates the already delicious Triple Sec. The cocktail, as a whole, was good and an optional sugar rim could have been added for those who want an even sweeter taste.

April 18 – Golden Cadillac

Posted on April 18, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Carmageddon

I’ve never been a big car nut. Hell, the instant someone starts talking to me about engines, makes and models, or brake pads in need of replacement… well, that’s when the ol’ mind drifts more than a suped-up Tokyo racer. That said, there are a number of vehicles I wouldn’t mind taking a spin in. Drivers, start your engines!

Mystery Machine – Scooby-Doo

Granted, today it looks more like a van where either smokeouts or rapes would occur, but the Mystery Machine is a pretty fine vehicle. I could join the entire gang as we traipse across the world and solve mysteries, getting paid with food and lodging. I would certainly rival Freddy for best ascot and perhaps Shaggy and Scooby could teach me how to stuff an entire 40-layer sandwich into my mouth in one gulp.

Pope-mobile

My only wish for riding in the Pope-mobile is that someone would make an assassination attempt on my life and then I could laugh at them through the bulletproof glass. Why someone would have a beef with The Sip Advisor will forever be an unsolved mystery. Perhaps they are a time traveler from the Prohibition Era and they realize I am the reason the whole concept never worked out. Bring it on, you anti-alcoholite.

Batmobile – Batman

I don’t know what would be more exciting: riding in the Batmobile with Bruce Wayne and Dick Grayson, or getting access to the super-secret Batcave. If those bastards blindfold me before taking me there (and it’s not for anything kinky), I will be super pissed. The second we spot that bat signal, we roll and I only pray that the villain for our selected adventure is one of the hotties, like Catwoman, Poison Ivy or Harley Quinn!

General Lee – Dukes of Hazzard

Really the only thing anyone wants to do in the General Lee is slide through the open window into a seat and go off some crazy dirt road jump. Aside from that, who would ever want to live in Hazzard County with the nefarious Boss Hogg and his lackey Rosco P. Coltrane? Unless you’re looking to settle down with Daisy Duke and get her out of those cutoffs, then it’s just not worth the hassle.

DeLorean – Back to the Future

Doc Brown, Marty McFly, and I would have made an amazing trio, revving up to 88 miles per hour and seeing where the DeLorean takes us for our next adventure. It would be a foregone conclusion that I would somehow find a way to make myself never born. I feel that would make me invisible and that way I could go around and spy on Mrs. Sip undetected. I could then perform hilarious antics like hide her contact solution and eat her freshly-baked cookies.

K.I.T.T. – Knight Rider

I’ve been on too many late night, lonely drives to count and it would have been nice on these journeys to have someone – or more aptly something – to converse with. A talking car is just the beginning of what K.I.T.T. (Knight Industries Three Thousand) has to offer drivers. All those fun buttons to push would keep me entertained four hours, like a never-ending sheet of bubble wrap. Plus you get to hang out with David Hasselhoff… not too shabby!

Ecto-1 – Ghostbusters

Imagine hauling ass, in the Ecto-1, to the site of a ghostly disturbance with your proton packs charged at the ready and the thrill of being a member of the Ghostbusters team. Yeah, The Sip Advisor, Egon, Ray, Peter and Winston… has a nice ring to it, don’t you think!? I wonder if Slimer is as cool behind the scenes as he seems in front of the camera. I ain’t fraid of no ghost!

A-Team Van – The A-Team

Riding shotgun with B.A. Barracus and the gang, in the A-Team van, would be pretty sweet. I don’t think I’d bring much to the A-Team, but perhaps I could be their manager or something – setting up an A-Team website and organizing their bookings – letting Hannibal concentrate on strategy for taking down the bad guys.

Ferrari – Magnum P.I.

I’m an associate of Robin Masters, much like my boy Thomas Magnum. As an acquaintance, I have been given access to all of Mr. Masters’ toys, including the Ferrari. Together, Magnum and I would work the Hawaiian Islands, helping those who have found themselves in trouble and landing countless babes with our wild moustaches and overgrown chest hair.

Drink #108: Golden Cadillac

2 oz Galliano
1 oz Crème de Cacao
Top with Milk
Garnish with a Kit Kat Stick

My only requirement with all of these vehicles is that their respective theme songs be pumping on a continuous loop whenever we go for an outing. What track would be blasted in the Pope-mobile? Well, Hell’s Bells by AC/DC, of course!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
A very tasty drink indeed! Perfect for dessert, the Milk-based cocktail is delicious and the Kit Kat Stir Stick was the much-needed final touch to take the cocktail up a few notches.

March 4 – Red Apple

Posted on March 4, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Toxicity

Today’s drink may not be poisonous (my liver may disagree), but it has inspired me to look at the fictional folks who have suffered a toxic fate. In dissecting some of their tales, I will attempt to put myself in their shoes and provide a Sip Survivor’s Guide to lethal venoms!

Snow White – Poisoned Red Apple

Now it’s a bit beyond me as to why Snow White would ever accept a red apple from a strange old woman when she knows there’s a bounty out on her head. And doesn’t Snow know that Granny Smith’s are where it’s at and any intelligent person understands that Golden Delicious follows, in the absence of the good green stuff? I can suffer from insomnia at times, so if anyone knows where I can get my hands on one of these sleeping apples that would be pretty sweet. Of course, the chances of Mrs. Sip waking me up the next morning with a kiss are slim… She may choose to leave me in a perpetual dream world for all of time.

Dude from Crank – Beijing Cocktail

Only having one hour to live thanks to his poisoning, this guy makes the most of it, running around Los Angeles committing crimes, getting into random fights, and having exhibitionist sex with his girlfriend at the mall. I gotta say, if you wanted to kill the guy, why would you give him an hour to live and also explain this to him in a video when he awakens?… silly movies. If I was given the Beijing Cocktail, I’d use my last hour to do some hardcore parkour. If you’re going to go anyway, might as well do some stupid risky stuff first.

King Hamlet, Queen Gertrude, Laertes, King Claudius, Prince Hamlet – Hebenon

Wow, there’s a lot of bad shit going on here. Something is rotten in the state of Denmark, indeed. Claudius poisons Hamlet’s father; Claudius accidentally poisons Gertrude’s wine; Laertes slashes Hamlet with a poison blade; Hamlet stabs Laertes with the same toxic blade as they scuffle; Hamlet not only stabs Claudius, but forces him to drink the poisoned wine; Horatio (where the hell did he come from?) almost willingly poisons himself, due to all the grief… okay, breathe… I can only conclude that if this was all going on around me, I’d be getting the f*ck outta Denmark!

Ron Weasley – Poisoned Mead

Mead – (def.) also called honey wine, is an alcoholic beverage that is produced by brewing a solution of honey and water…

What in the world was this underage boy doing drinking mead in the first place? What kind of supervision is taking place at Hogwart’s, a school where children are attacked on a regular basis? How does this place still have a license to teach? In the interest of full disclosure, I’m only upset because I was denied acceptance to the school, instead turning to the dark arts of blogging.

Batman – Fear Gas, Smilex

Used by the Scarecrow, fear gas causes victims to hallucinate their worse fears. While Batman, of course, is inflicted by nightmares of bats (seriously, who’s scared of friggin’ bats… just big tough guy Bruce Wayne), I would be haunted by vivid scenes of naked girls, pillow-fighting for the right to ravage Mrs. Sip. How does the old saying go: fear what you love!

And as if Batman didn’t have enough to worry about in the field of poisons, the Joker uses Smilex, a toxin which kills quickly and leaves the dead with a distorted smiling face. That wouldn’t bug me too much, given my face is permanently locked in an exaggerated grin. Remember when your mom told you not to roll your eyes because they’d get stuck in the back of your head? I never listened.

My Little Pony stable – Poison Joke

Wow, the weird paths research can take you down sometimes… this is why I never did any during my school days. So apparently, on a kids cartoon keep in mind, the ponies were once poisoned resulting in a unicorn’s horn going limp (erectile dysfunction, clearly), another’s voice becoming deep and manly (transgendered) and one suffering what seems to be the onset effects of an STD. And people thought the 1980’s excess was bad.

Cartoon Characters (Who Framed Roger Rabbit) – Dip

If I was animated, this substance would scare me more. Since I’m of the lifeless – no, wait, that doesn’t sound right… stupid thesaurus antonyms… what kind of a dinosaur is a thesaurus anyways? – I mean, since I’m of the living variety, the only Dip that scares me is Fun Dip. Poison in a pouch, if you ask me. Side note: If I was animated, I’d like to think that I’d be a cross between Wile E. Coyote and Sylvester the Cat. No lack of effort, but disappointing results all around!

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – Mutagen Ooze

So, one day these turtles were hanging out in the sewer when mysterious ooze was poured through a drain and splashed all over them. Almost instantaneously, they began to grow and develop a vocabulary that included words like “awesome,” “radical,” and “cowabunga.” Next came fighting skills and an obsessive love of pizza. If I was a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, I’d be the slacker one. Leonardo leads, Donatello does machines, Raphael is cool but crude, Michaelanglo is a party dude, Sip Advisor (Sipario) is lazy as shit and will likely be evicted.

Drink #63: Red Apple

1.5 oz Vodka
1 oz Lemon Juice
Top with Apple Juice
Dash of Grenadine

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
This was a pretty good drink built on the back of the mixers, the Apple Juice and Lime Juice. The Grenadine finished the recipe and had the cocktail actually tasting like a red apple.

March 3 – Goldfinger

Posted on March 3, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Trivia Time

This cocktail could be honouring anything from the legendary King Midas, a sexual euphemism or anything in between. I’m going to assume (making an ass out of you and me… it’s what I do best) it’s a tribute to the James Bond book and film of the same name. So, let’s look at some trivia on the subject.

In nearly every scene that he appears in, villain Auric Goldfinger wears yellow or gold items of clothing. In one scene he is seen donning a US Army uniform, but is carrying the famous golden gun.

Advisor’s Take: So, Goldfinger basically dresses like a Richard Simmons/Rod Roddy cross… oh man, that’s a scary sight… but scary as in one of those car wreck type deals, where you can’t look away and want to see the carnage. Although that golden gun in the video games kills with only one bullet. No need for headshots here, just shoot them in the foot and the game gives the victim instant gangrene, which results in a quick death.

The Goldfinger movie marked the first time an Aston Martin vehicle was used by James Bond. The car and character are now synonymous with one another. The company was originally reluctant to provide the production with two of their vehicles, but after the success of the movie, which translated into great business for the vehicle manufacturer, the company was more than willing for future sequels to provide anything the producers were looking for.

Advisor’s Take: I’ve never really been a car guy, so I don’t bust a nut over the vehicles in this movie or any other film. The only driving experience I’d like to enjoy in my life is being in a convertible, while driving along a winding beach, with dark shades on and feeling the wind run through my hair… that or rocking a monster truck through the streets of a bustling downtown core, running over everything from smart cars, to people who walk while texting, to the little designer dogs that cover the streets with poop.

The name Pussy Galore was almost changed to Kitty Galore, in order to appease censors, but producers were allowed to continue with the original name, as long as it did not appear on promotional material for the film. Actress Honor Blackman, who played the titular (literally) character enjoyed embarrassing her interviewers during press junkets by repeatedly saying the name.

Advisor’s Take: Sounds like my kind of girl, talking all dirty. Such outlandish names like Pussy Galore in the Bond franchise has led to some great monikers in spy spoofs. Of course, there was the Austin Powers trilogy, which featured names like Alotta Fagina, Ivana Humpalot, Fook Mi and Fook Yu, and Dixie Normous. My favourite occurred in an American Dad episode lampooning the spy genre, as Francine became Sexpun Tocome. I kind of wish Pussy Galore had remained Kitty Galore, and instead of her team of Flying Circus pilots she had a menagerie of cats whose offensive array included napping on people to subdue them and killing birds and mice that could later be used as projectiles.

This was the first movie appearance for a laser beam, as seen when Goldfinger has Bond strapped to a table, on the verge of being snuffed out. In the book, a spinning buzzsaw is inching closer to Bond, rather than a laser beam, but producers felt this gag was no longer original.

Adviser’s Take: If a buzzsaw worked for Dudley Do-Right cartoons and 1960’s live action Batman episodes, it could have also worked here. Funnily enough, now the whole laser beam thing seems unoriginal. The times they are a changing. If I ever have a hero at my mercy, I would finish them off with the dreaded purple nurple. If left untreated, the purple nurple can turn into a deadly blood clot, causing nausea, seizures, and eventual organ failure. I’m not a doctor, but I play one on the internet.

The role of Goldfinger’s minion, Odd Job was given to former Olympic medalist and professional wrestler Toshiyuki “Harold” Sakata. Another wrestler, Milton Reid, who had played a henchman in Dr. No, wanted the Odd Job role and challenged Sakata to a match with the winner getting the part. Producers decided that wasn’t necessary, since Reid’s character had been killed off in Dr. No and the match never took place. Reid later appeared as baddie Sandor in The Spy Who Loved Me over a decade later.

Advisor’s Take: I think all movie roles should be decided in the wrestling ring. Can you imagine Keanu Reeves battling Will Smith (turned the part down) for the role of Neo in The Matrix series? Or the catfights that would occur when any of Hollywood’s leading ladies battled over a character? The Oscars could become Tinsletown’s version of WrestleMania, complete with a stacked card of bouts. Put it on pay-per-view and I bet the viewers would tune in. If you build it, they will come.

Okay, that’s enough trivia for today. Alex Trebek I am not. Unless he’s a boozehound too!

Drink #62: Goldfinger

1 oz Goldschlager
1 oz Grand Marnier
Top with Ginger Ale

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
Sadly, this drink disappointed in presentation, as it was hard to see any of the Goldschlager in the martini. The cocktail tasted great and even looked awesome, but the gold flakes disappeared and that was sad.

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