Mixer Mania #39 – The Immortals

Aloe Vera Juice is a curious beverage. Prior to this project, I’d never tried the concoction and of course, I would only ever drink it as part of a cocktail… I may have to reconsider that, though. In Ancient Egypt, Aloe Vera was known as the “Plant of Immortality” and was even used by Cleopatra, as part of her beauty regimen. With that in mind, here’s the Sip Advisor’s guide to becoming immortal:

Have a Genetic Mutation

We have seen countless examples from the world of comics that all it takes to be immortal is a slight alteration to your genetic makeup. From Apocalypse to Wolverine, good or bad, many of the major players of the genre have existed for hundreds or thousands of years and cannot be destroyed.

Mutation

Be Bitten by a Vampire

Sure you’re still at risk of dying from sunlight, holy water, stakes, etc., but if you can avoid these potential dangers, you will live forever. You may tire of this world, however, so keeping a garlic-soaked stake nearby is a good idea.

Remove Death from the Picture

Both The Simpsons and Family Guy have spoofed what would happen if Death didn’t exist or was otherwise preoccupied. It’s an interesting concept, but the results seem to always be the same: Death is needed for there to be order in this crazy world.

Be a Horror Movie Bad Guy

Seriously, it seems like nothing can stop these guys – your Freddy Kruegers, Michael Myers’ and Jason Voorhees’ of the world – and even when you think you’ve vanquished the baddy and all is well with the universe, it’s likely only a matter of time before a sequel is released and we’re back to square one.

Straight Outta

Be a God or Goddess

This seems pretty unobtainable to us regular folk, but you never know. Some have thought of themselves as a higher power, only to learn the harsh reality of those claims eventually. The Sip Advisor is a proven deity, however, so beware of my omnipotence.

Take a Dip in the Fountain of Youth

Numerous forms of media have examined the existence of a Fountain of Youth. If it existed, would you dive in? What if you couldn’t be joined by all your loved ones and had to start anew. This is getting a little too deep for this site… let’s get to the drink!

Mixer Mania #39: Paradiso

Paradiso

  • Muddle Cucumber and Mint Leaves
  • 2 oz Tequila
  • Top with Aloe Vera Juice
  • Splash of Lime Juice
  • Dash of Agave Nectar
  • Pinch of Salt
  • Garnish with a Mint Sprig and Cucumber Slice

Aside from the Ancient Egyptians, Native Americans were also enamoured with the Aloe Vera plant, referring to it as “The Wand of Heaven”. The more you know!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
Sadly, finding cocktail recipes for Aloe Vera Juice was not as easy as I’d hoped. This drink is decent, but too sweet. I would suggest not adding the Agave Nectar for a better balance.

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August 22 – Shark’s Tooth

Bite Me

There are some serious teethers out there… sets of mouths that I hope I never have to come across. While most entries on this list are animal-related, sadly, some humans (living and undead) have also made a name for themselves, thanks to their chompers. Here are some entities I don’t want to be bit by:

Killer Shark

It’s not like the idea behind the Jaws movies (and numerous other films about the creature’s thirst for human blood) came from nowhere. Sharks are vicious animals and have been known to attack humans with bites so bad that they lose limbs, or worse, lives. In its defense, a shark has even been known to aid in a murder investigation, when a Tiger Shark vomited up a human forearm in Sydney, Australia.

shark bite

Venomous Snake

I’ve made it quite clear that I have a fear of snakes. Knowing just how deadly they can be doesn’t really help. Some of the most deadly snakes in the world include the King Cobra, Puff Adder, and Taipan… all of which I hope to never encounter. Shockingly, a Honey Badger (perhaps the coolest animal in the world behind cats) is resistant to some of the most deadly venoms in the world and can eat a snake in short order!

Bullet Ant

This little fella has been ranked as having the most painful bite in the world, with people comparing it to being shot (likely people who have never actually been shot, but I digress). The Bullet Ant is found in South America and is actually used by the Satere-Mawe tribe as a rite of passage for boys, who have to wear a glove of the ants for ten minutes, suffering numerous bites and painful symptoms that can last for days.

Vampire

Turning to our fictional biters, in much of vampire mythology, biting is a source of fear, dominance, sexuality, and necessity. Just watch an episode of True Blood (not that lame-ass Twilight garbage) and you’re bound to see numerous scenes of fangdom. Some real life vampires actually exist, usually of the crazy serial killer variety. This list includes Countess Elizabeth Báthory and Fritz Haarmann, who was beheaded for his crimes.

Vampire Kitties

Gila Monster

What do you get when you combine sharp teeth, thorough chewing and toxic venom… the Gila Monster, of course. Luckily for us humans, the Gila Monster’s laziness means we probably won’t have to deal with the animal, but they should not be approached or provoked. The killer lizard has even been used as a school mascot, as Eastern Arizona College has Gila Hank, complete with cowboy hat and gun!

Mosquito

Along with my constant attention and devotion, Mrs. Sip is live bait for Mosquitos, who will bite her throughout and evening, while other people in the same setting escape unscathed. She is my own personal Citronella Candle! Not only can the Mosquito leave you with a tremendous itch and splotchy skin, but they also spread the deadly malaria virus, which has killed unfathomable numbers throughout history.

Mosquito Legend

Brazilian Wandering Spider

This spider has the highest human kill rate among arachnids and its venom can cause a long-lasting erection (is that really so bad!?). Look out Viagra, your days may be numbered as the most prolific boner pill… you know, once they figure out the whole toxic venom side effect. So much for the Black Widow Spider being so bad. Perhaps Mrs. Sip won’t be so eager to travel to Brazil anymore after reading this!

Mike Tyson

The bite heard ‘round the world’ occurred June 28, 1997, when the ‘Baddest Man on the Planet’ proved his reputation and sunk his pearly whites into the ear of opponent Evander Holyfield. It was the final straw in Tyson’s rollercoaster boxing career, which saw the heavyweight fighter rise to championship glory at the age of 20 and fall hard from grace, following a rape conviction, substance abuse problems, financial woes, and failed comebacks.

Drink #234: Shark’s Tooth

Shark's Tooth

  • 1.5 oz Dark Rum (I used Captain Morgan)
  • Splash of Lime Juice
  • Splash of Lemon Juice
  • Dash of Grenadine
  • Dash of Soda Water
  • Garnish with Lemon Wedge

When you really think about it, is there such a thing as a “good bite”? I guess if you’re into a little pain with your pleasure you might want to go down this road, but otherwise, I’ll take my loving sans teeth!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
There is also a Shark Bite cocktail, which is quite clever in that it includes a couple drops of grenadine to simulate the look of blood within the rest of the mix. As for this recipe, you think the drink will be too sweet, but the soda really takes the edge off… for some reason I tasted chocolate despite the ingredients having nothing to do with the stuff.