There are some serious teethers out there… sets of mouths that I hope I never have to come across. While most entries on this list are animal-related, sadly, some humans (living and undead) have also made a name for themselves, thanks to their chompers. Here are some entities I don’t want to be bit by:
It’s not like the idea behind the Jaws movies (and numerous other films about the creature’s thirst for human blood) came from nowhere. Sharks are vicious animals and have been known to attack humans with bites so bad that they lose limbs, or worse, lives. In its defense, a shark has even been known to aid in a murder investigation, when a Tiger Shark vomited up a human forearm in Sydney, Australia.
I’ve made it quite clear that I have a fear of snakes. Knowing just how deadly they can be doesn’t really help. Some of the most deadly snakes in the world include the King Cobra, Puff Adder, and Taipan… all of which I hope to never encounter. Shockingly, a Honey Badger (perhaps the coolest animal in the world behind cats) is resistant to some of the most deadly venoms in the world and can eat a snake in short order!
This little fella has been ranked as having the most painful bite in the world, with people comparing it to being shot (likely people who have never actually been shot, but I digress). The Bullet Ant is found in South America and is actually used by the Satere-Mawe tribe as a rite of passage for boys, who have to wear a glove of the ants for ten minutes, suffering numerous bites and painful symptoms that can last for days.
Turning to our fictional biters, in much of vampire mythology, biting is a source of fear, dominance, sexuality, and necessity. Just watch an episode of True Blood (not that lame-ass Twilight garbage) and you’re bound to see numerous scenes of fangdom. Some real life vampires actually exist, usually of the crazy serial killer variety. This list includes Countess Elizabeth Báthory and Fritz Haarmann, who was beheaded for his crimes.
What do you get when you combine sharp teeth, thorough chewing and toxic venom… the Gila Monster, of course. Luckily for us humans, the Gila Monster’s laziness means we probably won’t have to deal with the animal, but they should not be approached or provoked. The killer lizard has even been used as a school mascot, as Eastern Arizona College has Gila Hank, complete with cowboy hat and gun!
Along with my constant attention and devotion, Mrs. Sip is live bait for Mosquitos, who will bite her throughout and evening, while other people in the same setting escape unscathed. She is my own personal Citronella Candle! Not only can the Mosquito leave you with a tremendous itch and splotchy skin, but they also spread the deadly malaria virus, which has killed unfathomable numbers throughout history.
Brazilian Wandering Spider
This spider has the highest human kill rate among arachnids and its venom can cause a long-lasting erection (is that really so bad!?). Look out Viagra, your days may be numbered as the most prolific boner pill… you know, once they figure out the whole toxic venom side effect. So much for the Black Widow Spider being so bad. Perhaps Mrs. Sip won’t be so eager to travel to Brazil anymore after reading this!
The bite heard ‘round the world’ occurred June 28, 1997, when the ‘Baddest Man on the Planet’ proved his reputation and sunk his pearly whites into the ear of opponent Evander Holyfield. It was the final straw in Tyson’s rollercoaster boxing career, which saw the heavyweight fighter rise to championship glory at the age of 20 and fall hard from grace, following a rape conviction, substance abuse problems, financial woes, and failed comebacks.
Drink #234: Shark’s Tooth
- 1.5 oz Dark Rum (I used Captain Morgan)
- Splash of Lime Juice
- Splash of Lemon Juice
- Dash of Grenadine
- Dash of Soda Water
- Garnish with Lemon Wedge
When you really think about it, is there such a thing as a “good bite”? I guess if you’re into a little pain with your pleasure you might want to go down this road, but otherwise, I’ll take my loving sans teeth!
Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
There is also a Shark Bite cocktail, which is quite clever in that it includes a couple drops of grenadine to simulate the look of blood within the rest of the mix. As for this recipe, you think the drink will be too sweet, but the soda really takes the edge off… for some reason I tasted chocolate despite the ingredients having nothing to do with the stuff.