Animal Crackers

Mrs. Sip and I hope to one day travel to South Africa and its neighbouring countries to enjoy a safari tour. I’ve always enjoyed the animatronic versions of the Jungle Cruise at the Disney Parks (even the corny jokes), so why not experience the real thing. I think my only issue with the entire trip would be encountering any snakes. The Black Mamba can kill 12 men within an hour it’s so venomous. While I hope to avoid the slithering folk as much as possible, here’s what I wouldn’t mind doing with some of the other inhabitants of the pride land!

Nap with Lions

Lions sleep about 20 hours each day, which sounds pretty awesome. Think about it, the ‘King of the Jungle’ sits atop the animal food chain, usually has a harem of lady kitties to choose from, and doesn’t really have to do anything to earn that power… that’s a pretty sweet existence. The lions could even keep you warm with the fur and playful mauling… um, I mean cuddling!

Stretch Out with Giraffes

I thoroughly enjoy a good stretch every now and again. When you’re as lazy as I claim to be (and I’m damn proud of it) you’ll find that stretching can be extremely rewarding and may even be the most exercise you experience is a week’s time. My favourite body part to stretch is my tongue. Keeping that organ limber has helped me be able to tie a cherry stem into a knot… yes, Mrs. Sip is a lucky lady!

Don’t Give a Shit with Honey Badgers

I have so much respect for these weasels. They are so bad ass that they can be bitten by a deadly snake, turn around and thrash that same serpent before eating it.  They’re incredibly aggressive and persistent, often winning a fight by simply tiring their opposition. And then they walk around like they just don’t care. Teach me, oh wise honey badger.

Play Hungry Hungry Hippos with… well, Hippopotami!

Hippos are vegetarians, which means we better be competing for two different food supplies. I don’t want any damn vegetables on the game board unless they’re side dishes for a main course of some kind of animal. I guess veggies are still better than those little balls they’re trying to chomp in the classic board game. I don’t think plastic is easily digested by either human or hippo.

Stampede with Elephants

I certainly couldn’t retain water like elephants or go without drinking for long periods of time, but we could go for a run together and cause a little mayhem. I feel I’m far too mild-mannered in my life and perhaps there is much to learn from the elephants. They seem pretty docile until riled up and then watch out tree, you’re coming down.

Watch Stand-up Comedy with Hyenas

If you’re up for a good chuckle, why not enjoy some humour with a pack of hyenas. My only worry is that they won’t really get the jokes and will only cackle to not appear out of place. Don’t you hate those people? The ones who clearly don’t get it, but then over exaggerate their reaction just to be part of the moment. Typical hyenas…

Chew the Fat with Crocodiles

Sterling Archer’s second greatest fear is okay by me. That’s not to say I want to go for an underwater roll with it… I like my fresh air, thank you very much (although I can drink a beer underwater, so maybe I am part amphibious!?). I wish I had a set of chompers like a croc. That would make devouring everything from meat to caramels that much easier.

Gore Things with Rhinos

I think I’d be great at smashing into things with my head. I have been known to be stubborn and hard-headed and also have eradicated much of my brain cells, thereby making any concussion issues non-existent. I often get Mrs. Sip’s attention by butting my head into her shoulder. She doesn’t appreciate this very much, but it is a sincere sign of love on my part.

Evolve with Gorillas

I think it’s pretty amazing that us humans come from primates. Perhaps, and keep in mind I only play a scientist on TV, it’s the other way around and gorillas evolved from humans. If the Planet of the Apes franchise has taught me anything, it’s that gorillas probably wouldn’t take too kindly to me infiltrating their ranks and would outwit me with their vast intelligence and moxie.

Blend in with Zebras

These masters of disguises sure know how to disappear within their environment. As an introvert personality type, I sure could learn a lot by mimicking their blending techniques. That way, I could go to an unlimited number of parties and never be bugged by people trying to engage in small talk. I think people have grown tired of my shifty eyes and one word answers. I’m really only there to drink, anyway!

South Africa: Brown Elephant

• 2 oz Amarula
• Top with Milk and Cola
• Garnish with a Chocolate Stick

What would you like to do with the animals of the safari? One thing you probably want to avoid is spreading diseases with mosquitos… like a drug, it can be a hard world to extricate yourself from and you’ll probably have to go through a rehabilitation regime to get yourself back to normal.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
I decided to use Chocolate Milk with this recipe, harkening back to my early days as a wee little sipper when the first cocktail I ever created was called Zap and mixed Chocolate Milk with Cola. Add in that wonderful Amarula cream liqueur and you had one very happy Sip Advisor!