For Mother’s Day, Mrs. Sip treated herself to a luxury item. I joked that maybe I should get to do the same for Father’s Day. While I won’t, I thought it would be a fun exercise to come up with some ideas if I did. So, in the vein of ‘If I Had a Million Dollars’ by the Barenaked Ladies, here’s the Sip Advisor’s ‘If I Had $500’:

Get Something for the Sipplings

Mrs. Sip and I are always looking to give the kids the best childhood possible. Therefore, an item like the new Nintendo Switch 2 does pique my curiosity. That said, this list is about treating myself and not others. Sure, I would likely play various games with the Sipplings, but I doubt I’d be able to dedicate much time to any video game system to justify buying one primarily for myself.

Do Something Practical

Our vehicle needs new tires, we are still making some upgrades and settling into our new place, investing/saving is always a good idea, etc. None of these are very much fun and I’m disappointed in myself that I even brought them up.

Cocktail Maker/Soda Machine

While one of these machines would be neat to have, I actually prefer building a cocktail from scratch myself and I’m not sure how much use I’d get out of a soda system.

Beer Fridge

Among the items on my long list of future acquisitions for our home is a second, smaller fridge, set up either outside or in our rec room, saving us time from having to go inside/upstairs to get beverages and snacks. Right now, though, a second fridge is lower on the totem pole than other necessities, so there it shall remain.

Air Hockey/Pinball Machine/Arcade Unit/Pool Table

I like these ideas, but space is limited in our place, at least until the kids grow up and share a similar interest in such items. One day, we will have a movie/games room, but today is not that day. Also, it would be hard to settle on just one of these games and an entire games collection would likely be necessary.

Driving Lessons for Mrs. Sip

Do you know what Mrs. Sip and I fight about more than any other element of our relationship? That’s right, her lack of driving ability. I’m basically Morgan Freeman in Driving Miss Sip – minus any racism. It is my dream to one day attend a friend’s party and be the one who doesn’t have to limit myself to one or two beverages. It is my dream to one day not have to pack up the whole household to run errands Mrs. Sip needs done. It is my dream… I think you get the point.

Sauce Shopping Spree

In the Barenaked Ladies song I referenced above, they joke about getting fancy sauces for all the Kraft Dinner (macaroni and cheese) the band would buy. Whenever I go down a condiments aisle at grocery stores, I marvel at all the different options. Some can be a little pricey, so picking a few options – or at least what I can fit in our fridge – is actually a legit contender for how I’d spend my money.

Fancy Potato Chips

Similarly, I could see myself wasting a small fortune on obscure potato chips. We’re talking unique flavours from around the world, as well as expensive releases found domestically. Then I’d throw them all into a small pool and pull off a sweet Scrooge McDuckian dive into the snacks below.

Expensive Cocktails

An epic night could be spent trying some of the best mixology I can access. I already have a few locations in mind, should I do such a crafty crawl. Let’s put this idea in the maybe pile.

Exercise Equipment

Lol, nope!

A Pet

Part of my reasoning to get a pet would be to prank Mrs. Sip. That said, there’s only one pet I would ever consider bringing into our home and that’s a honey badger. Seriously, it would be a cat and given I’d probably end up doing most of the work, a pet doesn’t seem like much of a treat at all.

A Kayak

The one weekend I went kayaking, I really enjoyed it. More than a decade later, I have yet to sit my ass down in one of those weird looking watercrafts again. Let’s be honest, the device would simply be a garage filler and rarely used, so why bother.

Second Air Fryer

My theory is one air fryer is a godsend, so two air fryers would be… two godsends!? Sometimes, particularly when guests are over, I curse the fact I only have one of these amazing machines. Given they can be found for reasonable prices, I could have a whole army of air fryers at my disposal!

Clothing Essentials

The Sip Advisor hates shopping, so I often put off buying even the most basic of clothing items. Sure, I have a list of items I need/desire, but that doesn’t mean I’m actually going to go out and achieve said shopping.

Meal Kit Subscription

We’ve all seen the memes about not realizing adulthood meant figuring out what to eat for the rest of your life. I’m chief cook at the Sip Advisor headquarters and it can be exhausting planning and preparing dinner in perpetuity. A meal kit helps, but you still have to pick your dishes and then make them.

Tickets to an Event

Despite the logistical headaches (travel, finding babysitters, etc.) that going to events nowadays holds, I still enjoy the occasional night out. Sporting events, concerts, evening on the town all sound like a great way to blow this windfall, but it would have to be just the right event to do so.

Tattoo

The Sip Advisor has long had a tattoo in mind, but I’ve just never got around to actually getting the ink done. Cost is definitely a bit of a deterrent for me, but now I have five hundy in hand!

Charity

The only charitable organization I’m willing to donate to is the Church of Sip. Then I’ll embezzle those funds for my own enjoyment!

The Maestro

• 1.5 oz Patron Tequila
• 1 oz Lillet Blanc
• Dash of Angostura Bitters
• Garnish with Edible Glitter

The most expensive cocktail in the world today is The Maestro, created by iconic mixologist Salvatore Calabrese at the Dubai cocktail bar Nahaté. Using rare bottles and even rarer glassware, the drink comes in at whopping $41,160 US. My version uses similar, but more common ingredients, so I’d probably sell it for 0.0001% of the price.

So, what should the Sip Advisor spend his theoretical fun money on? In all likelihood, I’ll probably just treat myself to some bottles of booze that fall well below what Mrs. Sip spent. Happy Father’s Day, y’all!