Star Stunted

For the month of October, we will be looking at all things scary and perhaps nothing is more chilling than having to watch a movie starring one of these “actors”. Without further ado, here are some of the worst movie stars in the history of cinema:

#5: Madonna

I have never been much of a Madonna fan, so I’m even more perplexed when she’s been able to venture outside of music (what brought her to the dance) and into other artistic realms. The ‘Queen of Pop’ has done some good with films such as Evita and I did like Madge in A League of Their Own, but a collection of poor performances in movies like Shanghai Surprise, The Next Best Thing, and Swept Away reminds us of where she truly belongs. When you can’t even successfully act alongside your husbands (Sean Penn and later Guy Ritchie), then who can you work with.

#4: Pauly Shore

How Pauly Shore’s brand of comedy was ever popular is one of life’s greatest unsolved mysteries. Granted, I would consider his movies Encino Man and, to a lesser degree, Son in Law, classics of my childhood. Shore eventually wore out his welcome though, with dismal films like In the Army Now, Jury Duty, and Bio-Dome. I guess there’s only so many times you can hear “Hey, buuuuuuddddyyyy,” before it loses all meaning. Shore’s fall from fame was quick, leading to a 2003 mockumentary called Pauly Shore is Dead, which sees the comedian fake his own death to make his movies more popular.

#3: Hulk Hogan

Most professional wrestlers, despite the nature of their business, are horrible actors. And yet somehow, the mustachioed Hulk Hogan has a laundry list of filmography credits, including some of the worst movies of all-time in Suburban Commando, Mr. Nanny, and Santa with Muscles. The popularity of Hulkamania (prior to racist rants) allowed Hogan to branch into the movie industry, but he should have stuck with the squared circle. Sure, things all got started off okay with Hogan’s small role as Thunderlips in Rocky III, but they quickly went off the rails following that appearance.

#2: Tom Green

While the Canadian comedian has been good in a couple movies (Road Trip, for example), as more of an ensemble character, than a lead, some of his work has been absolutely atrocious. Particularly films such as Freddy Got Fingered (one of the worst movie titles ever, for starters) and Stealing Harvard. Like Pauly Shore, Green was launched into orbit by MTV, prior to crash landing, but his fame was so high at one point that he was picked for Saturday Night Live hosting duties. This may have been largely due to his marriage to Drew Barrymore, but who can really tell.

#1: Shaquille O’Neal

When you receive a Razzie Award for basically depicting yourself, are other acting opportunities necessary? Shaquille O’Neal couldn’t even pass mustard in the basketball flick Blue Chips and yet still received starring roles in Kazaam and Steel, both of which were universally panned by critics and audiences, alike. Shaq has recently made minor appearances in a number of Adam Sandler films, and that’s where he’s best suited if wants to continue acting. It’s not often that one person can lay claim to being in some of the worst movies of all-time, as well as a video game (Shaq Fu) and musical releases (a number of rap CDs).

Super Saturday Shot Day: Falling Star

• 1 oz Sambuca
• Float Whiskey on Top

Honourable mentions go to artists like Britney Spears, Mariah Carey, and Kelly Clarkson, who only avoid making the main list because they knew well enough to get out of the movie industry after one horrible outing. Sadly, we can’t say the same for action hero Steven Seagal…