Drunken Party Fouls
They happen… but that doesn’t mean we have to like them. I’ve instituted a three strikes and you’re out rule at my shindigs. If you break any three party foul rules, you’re out on the street. I don’t care if you’re Mrs. Sip or Mama Sip… hell, even future Baby Sip will be held to these stringent laws of the land. Don’t mess with The Advisor.
Spilling a Drink
A crushing moment at any soiree occurs when sweet, precious liquor is spilt. Small spills are bad enough, but when a nearly full drink hits the ground, it is perfectly reasonable for mob justice to occur. Punishment: Death… but I will settle for the offender having to drink the contents of their spill with a straw, no matter where it has landed (litter box, public bathroom floor, etc. are all fair game)!
Unless it is done in the name of sweet mazel tov, the breaking of anything should never occur at a function. If the break is the result of drunkery, that’s even worse. (If it’s somehow the result of the cat you brought along on a leash, we’ll let it slide). Punishment: Replacing said item at equal or double the cost as a tax for your indiscretion.
Depressing or Complaining Conversation
We are here to party… not talk about how much your life sucks in comparison to mine (because let’s face it, it probably does), that children are starving in cities near you, or how you lost your fifth cousin, twice removed in a tragic microwave/hair drying incident. Even at a wake, things should be upbeat as we happily remember all the good times we had with that person. You want to be all depressed or moody? Don’t even bother coming out. This also likely goes for any talk about politics, unless we’re talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger. Punishment: Immediate banishment to the badlands. Forgiveness can be granted in exchange for a liquor run.
Whether you grab someone else’s beers from the fridge or help yourself to a shot from their bottle, if you don’t have the expressed written permission of the NFL to rebroadcast booze that is not yours, you should not do so. Some people carefully allot themselves what they plan on drinking in an evening and when someone else cuts into their stash, this can deny them of achieving the perfect level of zen. Punishment: Having your hand cut off… an extreme measure to be sure, but they won’t steal booze ever again. With only one hand, they won’t have the capability to do so!
Passing Out/Getting Sick
There are few examples where a guest passing out is a good thing. If they pass out in your own bed, then the only course of action is to send the two heaviest guests into the room to have a wrestling match, regardless of drunky’s (the eighth dwarf) wishes. A guest going nappy-nap is a better alternative to them getting sick, though. Nothing turns a party down a bad path quicker than someone praying to the porcelain gods or worse, letting loose in front of the entire gathering. Punishment: Do not pass go, do not collect $200 and no more Monopoly for you.
Not Paying Your Tab
Oh, this one makes Mr. Sip angry. You can spill a drink on my floors, break my glassware, talk about your dead uncle Artie, steal the last beer out of my fridge and puke all over my couch after half a sip and I may one day come to forgive you. But if you ever… and I mean EVER skip out on your tab and leave the rest of the group in a lurch, you are DEAD to me. Punishment: Well, you’re already dead to me, but I could also send the Ghostbusters after you and send you to ghostly purgatory.
Drink #56: The Party General
- 1.5 oz Whiskey
- 1.5 oz Amaretto
- Top with Ginger Ale
- Garnish with Maraschino Cherry
Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
I’ve always maintained that Ginger Ale is one of the most underappreciated mixers out there. Through it in with Whiskey and Amaretto, two of my favourite alcohols and we must surely be on the right track. Top with a Maraschino Cherry and all is well in the Land of Sip.