March 21 – Bottle Cap

Posted on March 21, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Penny Candy Perfection

I’m sure everyone can remember back to his or her childhood – liquor-decimated brain cells be damned – to the days when a trip to the local convenience store with your allowance money was special. Well, maybe this doesn’t apply to kids nowadays who seem to be ushered around everywhere and are never let out of sight of their helicopter parents. Do they even know the rush and reward of walking to get candy, blowing your allowance all in one place and finding that perfect treat for the walk home? Probably not, but that doesn’t mean us kidults can’t reminisce. Here were some of my favourites:

Double Bubble

I remember the odd time when the Sip Household would have one of those big tubs of Double Bubble chewing gum. Once, I had so many back-to-back pieces of the gum – hell, we were making gum sandwiches and burritos with the stuff – that I got a massive headache from all the chewing. This was the first of many brain injuries (as I’m sure you can tell) and led to a placement on the injured reserve list for months. Yeah, that last joke was about as funny as the comics they packaged with the gum!

Shockers

God bless the Wonka candy company (makers of Nerds, Runts, Gobstoppers, etc.), which capitalized on the popularity of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (book and movie). Shockers can certainly be credited for every cavity that has ever been filled in my mouth. These extremely sour, but fun to chew candies never lasted long around The Sip Advisor headquarters. Each of the five Shockers flavours – sour green apple, blue raspberry, grape, orange and cherry – tasted great, which often can’t be said for candy packs. There’s usually one slacker flavour that doesn’t pull its own weight, but not with this treat.

Pixy Stix

Man, kids are stupid. I remember acting like Pixy Stix were some kind of drug. Myself and friends would shoot a bunch of sticks before a hockey game and we were probably sugar buzzing so high that we’d come out, have a couple good shifts, and then crash hard. If the small “snack size” sugar packets weren’t enough, you had to upgrade your dose to those massive two-foot long tubes and before you knew it, you were a junkie.

Jelly Tots

When I decided to put together a candy table for my wedding last summer, I started to gather some favourite treats from past and present. When I found a package of Jelly Tots, I was instantly reminded of how much I enjoyed them in my youth. It had been a while since I’d had any, my need for candy replaced by liquor desires in my teens. The candy table was a hit, a highlight of the wedding, I dare say. Well, it was largely demolished by the time I and the rest of the wedding party returned from our photo excursion. I still managed to get some Jelly Tots, though!

Bottle Caps

What today’s drink is all about! The only thing that sucks about Bottle Caps candy are the grape-flavoured ones, which taste worse than most cough medicines. And it always seems like there are a disproportionate amount of those terrible death-tasting grape candies in each box. Give me more of the Cherry, Root Beer, Orange Crush and Cola pieces and sub out the grape candies for a lemon-lime soda tablet. Hell, throw in a Red Bull flavor… anything but yucky grape.

Drink #80: Bottle Cap

1 oz Root Beer Schnapps
1 oz Raspberry Liqueur
Splash of Sweet & Sour Mix
Top with Cola
Garnish with Sour Soother

Thankfully, I still get a weekly stipend from Mrs. Sip, specifically for penny candy. It was part of our prenuptial agreement and I’m thankful every day that I had that written in. You can’t see me!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
This drink tastes exactly like a Bottle Cap candy. It’s not very heavy on liquor, which can sometimes be a nice change of pace. I wish I could have garnished the drink with an actual Bottle Cap, but it was made impromptu, so I settled for a yummy Sour Soother. C’est la vie!

March 20 – Blue Memphis

Posted on March 20, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

River City Rampage

While Mrs. Sip and I have travelled extensively, Memphis (in the great state of Tennessee) is a place neither of us has visited. While today’s drink can only do so much to take us there, here’s some attractions I’d like to see when I finally make my way to the Mid-South:

Graceland

Whether you’re a fan of Elvis or not (but come on, who doesn’t at least have some appreciation for The King?), any visit to Memphis would require at least a pit stop at his former home, Graceland. There, we can see Elvis’ collection of cars, his private planes, and a museum dedicated to the legend. A definite highlight would be viewing the toilet he apparently died on and the TV he shot at in a drug-induced rage. Ah, the memories. Perhaps we could even stay at the nearby Heartbreak Hotel to complete the experience!

National Civil Rights Museum

Oddly located inside the hotel where Martin Luther King, Jr. was assassinated, visitors can learn all about the American Civil Rights Movement and how it changed the world we live in today. I guess using the hotel isn’t the worst idea. After all, who would ever stay there again after it was the site of King’s murder? Although, perhaps, the owner’s missed the boat on an opportunity to rent rooms to ghost hunters and other creeps.

Beale Street

Home to the annual Beale Street Music Festival, this is likely where your honourable Sip Advisor would go for his daily dose of life’s elixir (known to the common folk as alcohol). There are few things that beat the mix of good music and good drinks… perhaps good sex and good drinks, but I’m still conducting thorough research on the subject.

The Pyramid

If you believe that you’ll never be able to travel to Egypt (especially if you don’t like to be molested by 12 year old peddlers, angry mobs, or camels) and the glitz and glamour of Las Vegas frightens you, than Memphis is your next best chance to see one of the world’s largest pyramids. This famous sports and entertainment venue is the sixth largest pyramid in the world behind four in Egypt and the Luxor Hotel in Las Vegas. Now it’s been turned into a massive Bass Pro Shop fishing store, but that just means you can get in for free!

BBQ

I’m a huge fan of southern barbecue, so you can bet your sweet bippy that I’ll be chowing down on pulled pork, brisket, chicken and all the sides a man could ever want (cornbread, cob, slaw, tater salad) every chance I get. By the time I get back home, I hope to have a permanent barbecue sauce stain around my mouth. I’ll wear that like a badge of honour. No need for souvenirs, I already got mine!

Basketball

Whether it’s checking out some college hoops (University of Memphis Tigers) or the professional ranks (Memphis Grizzlies), a fan of the hard court can definitely get their fill here. I never attended a Vancouver Grizzlies game when the team played here (in fact I’ve never been to a NBA game ever… some sports journalist am I, right?), so I guess seeing them in Memphis would be kind of sacrilegious. Oh well, doing the wrong thing is what I do best.

Wrestling Scene

Home to one of the hottest territories during professional wrestling’s 1980’s heyday, Memphis is where grappler Jerry ‘The King’ Lawler (too bad he and Elvis never battled over the moniker), and legendary manager ‘Mouth of the South’ Jimmy Hart got their start. The group consistently sold out the Mid-South Coliseum with bloody clashes and suspenseful storytelling… old school style!

Mississippi River

Finally, why not end your vacation by floating down the mighty Mississippi (M-I-SS-I-SS-I-PP-I) aboard a riverboat. You can pretend you’re Tom Sawyer or Huck Finn, sneaking onto the ship and causing havoc. Hopefully this riverboat also offers gambling, where I can bet my plane ticket home and leave me and Mrs. Sip stranded.

Drink #79: Blue Memphis

1 oz Malibu Rum
0.5 oz Blue Curacao
Top with half Pineapple Juice and half Milk
Garnish with Maraschino Cherry on a Pineapple Toothpick

As you can see, the recipe didn’t turn out as blue as advertised… so I guess it’s more of an Aqua-Marine Memphis. It still tasted pretty good, regardless of hue. Nashville, you’re up next!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3 Sips out of 5):
I don’t think Milk and Pineapple Juice should be combined… really any juice I can’t see working well with the calcium goodness of Milk. This drink was largely saved by the Malibu Rum and Blue Curacao. Much thanks to liquor!

March 19 – PAMA-Jama

Posted on March 19, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Thunder Shower

We ain’t talking about a weather system… when Mama and Papa Sip were getting hitched, their friends threw them a party where each guest brought a bottle of alcohol for the happy couple to set them up with a nice bar for the start of a new life together (marriage drives a person to alcoholism joke inserted here). Wanting to pass that tradition on, the Parents Sip planned the same party for Mrs. Sip and me, about a month prior to our wedding. This was our Thunder Shower!

Frankly, it was a wonderful break from the daily wedding planning and a chance to gauge where we were at with the guests who would soon be sharing our special day with us.

With the party being Mexican Fiesta-themed (the food included a make your own nachos, tacos and burritos bar – what can I say, Mama and Papa Sip know how to throw a good bash) we were given four bottles of tequila, as well as a couple bottles of margarita mix. Some favourites I’m known for knocking back like Fireball Whiskey, Bacardi Rum, and Smirnoff Vodka were also bequeathed to us.

There were also some new tastes to try, which I’m always happy to oblige. Cousin Sip contributed a bottle of cucumber-infused Hendricks Gin, which I have taken a particular liking to. One set of friends passed along a bottle of Jim Beam Black Cherry Bourbon, as well as a bottle of Cointreau. Mama and Papa Sip gifted us a bottle of Chocolate Whipped Vodka, which quickly became a favourite of Mrs. Sip, whose wine and champagne collection was topped up, too.

All in all, it was a wonderful evening with great food and drinks, good fun with friends and family, and the beginning of our wedding celebration summer.

Why do I bring this event up? Well, for a number of reasons. My forum provides me with another chance to thank all of our guests for their generosity and truly show them how much we appreciated and enjoyed their gifts. Next, because I think every couple should get to enjoy a similar event and finally, because today’s drink features PAMA Pomegranate Liqueur, a bottle we received at our Thunder Shower and although we only recently opened it, the results have been thoroughly enjoyable thus far.

Drink #78: PAMA-Jama

8 Muddled Mint Leaves
1.5 oz PAMA Pomegranate Liqueur
Top with Ginger Ale
Dash of Lemon Juice
Garnish with Lemon Wedge

This has to be one of my favourite drinks of the project to date. I wasn’t sure how much I’d like the liqueur, as I don’t have any recollection of having actually ever eaten a real pomegranate, but once again life proves that as long as alcohol is inside something, it will be enjoyed (or at least consumed). How much did I like the drink? Well, given I’m making at least 365 drinks over the next calendar year, I try not to double up too often. I ended up making three of these for myself and just had to share the recipe with Mrs. Sip. Track it down and give it a shot (literally!). You won’t be disappointed.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (5 Sips out of 5):
A fantastic drink… I can’t say enough good things about this cocktail. It was the first time I busted out my PAMA Pomegranate Liqueur and what a wonderful mix I was treated with to begin my relationship with the spirit!

March 18 – Lush

Posted on March 18, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Drunk-a-lunks

A couple months ago, we shared a few laughs looking at some alcohol lightweights. Today, we look at their opposites, the folks who can really throw the drink back and give a new meaning to the term booze hound. Ah, my idols!

Roger Smith – American Dad

There are very few scenes of American Dad where Roger isn’t drunk, drinking or talking about getting soused. He’s been known to spend a majority of the Christmas season out of his gourd on eggnog and has even gone into the moonshine business, showing his passion for sweet lady liqour and all that she can provide mankind.

Intoxi-quoted: “Pardon me, sir. I’m what you might call an advanced drinker, and I’ve been having a Dickens of a time concocting an eggnog that provides the certain… heady tingle that I require.”

Homer Simpson & Barney Gumble – The Simpsons

While both men have struggled with their alcohol needs over the series’ many years, Barney seems to have finally strapped himself onto the sober wagon but I don’t think Homer ever will… he’s just too funny when he’s blitzed. Ironically, Homer is the one who gave Barney his first beer… the night before Barney’s SAT exam that he was set to ace.

Intoxi-quoted: Homer: “Wow, Barney. You brought a whole beer keg.” Barney: “Yeah… where do I fill it up?”

Cheers Gang – Cheers

While you don’t often see the guys from Cheers getting drunk per se, given the number of hours they spend at the bar each day, you’d have to assume that they’re often going home substantially liquored up. Heck, it’s the only way Norm Peterson will go home to his never-seen wife, Vera.

Intoxi-quoted: Woody Boyd: “Hey Mr. Peterson. Jack Frost nipping at your nose?” Norm Peterson: “Yeah. Now let’s get Joe Beer nipping at my liver.”

Willie – Bad Santa

Willie is a stinking drunk and he knows it. He has no interest in turning his life around and wants nothing more than his next big score (usually from robbing whichever department store he’s worked at during the Christmas season) before moving onto the next target. If I was ever a mall Santa, you can bet I’d show up to work looking as disheveled as this naughty Claus.

Intoxi-quoted: Sue: “I’ve always had a thing for Santa Claus. In case you didn’t notice. It’s like some deep-seeded childhood thing.” Willie: “So is my thing for tits.”

Bender Rodriguez – Futurama

Bender is not really an alcoholic, but he needs to drink alcohol to keep his mechanics running… so, he drinks a LOT! He even fermented his own brew inside of himself, treating the mix as if it were his own unborn child. Now that’s true love and devotion.

Intoxi-quoted: “I’m gonna drink ’til I reboot!”

Lucille Bluth – Arrested Development

The matriarch of the Bluth clan, Lucille lives a life of luxury (despite the fact she can no longer afford it) and what better to do than get drunk off your ass on a daily basis. Her kids have grown up – although Buster, in his late 30’s, has yet to leave home – and she doesn’t have to (or want to) work, so the only way to pass the time is with a delicious cocktail.

Intoxi-quoted: Lucille Bluth: “Get me a vodka rocks.” Michael: “Mom, it’s breakfast.” Lucille: “And a piece of toast.”

Peter Griffin – Family Guy

When Peter and the guys hit the Drunken Clam, someone, if not all of them, are bound to go home plastered. Peter’s drinking has got him into a lot of trouble over time, including multiple arrests, issues with his wife, near-death experiences and the killing of nearly every brain cell he ever had… and he didn’t start off with many to begin with.

Intoxi-quoted: “C’mon, let’s go drink ’til we can’t feel feelings anymore.”

Drink #77: Lush

1 oz Vodka
0.5 oz Melon Liqueur
0.5 oz Peach Schnapps
Top with Apple-Lime Juice
Garnish with Lime Wedge and Apple Wedge

Mrs. Sip often calls me a drunk-a-lunk when I’m hitting the bottle with awesome passion and force. So, here are some departing words from yours truly: “When you wake up after a hard night of drinking and you’re worried about your liquor supply, just remember that even potatoes can be turned into vodka!”

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4.5 Sips out of 5):
I thoroughly enjoyed this cocktail. From the usually solid Melon Liqueur to the delicious Apple-Lime Juice, I was very happy that a recipe I thought would be awesome actually turned out that way. It also looked great, completing the package.

March 17 – Irish Car Bomb

Posted on March 17, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Luck of the Irish

Today we celebrate St. Patrick’s Day here at Sip Advisor headquarters. What better way to do so than follow a little bit of Irish wisdom (aside from drinking a lot of Irish beer of course)?

The Irish are full of great sayings and that’s one of the many endearing qualities we love about them. Being drunken fighters is another high value trait for the Leprechaun people, as well. In fact, what I just said will probably get me into one of those drunken fights… BRING IT ON!

“Who gossips with you will gossip of you.”

What a great piece of advice! I talk behind people’s backs all the time… but it’s only because I like to whisper in their ears and surprise them!

“Beware of people who dislike cats.”

Regular readers know that The Sip Advisor is a huge backer of felines. I’m also a staunch supporter of the Irish, so I’m very happy to see that they feel the same way I do about kitties. If only we could all share some drinks together without it being labeled animal abuse… and I’m talking about drinking with the Irish!

“A good laugh and a long sleep are the two best cures.”

And the third best cure is a thorough round of boozing…

“Better fifty enemies outside the house than one within.”

I’m not sure about this one. Simple arithmetic shows that one is much less than 50. Plus, if they’re already inside, then you know their whereabouts when you want to bash them with a shillelagh!

“Here’s to our wives and girlfriends. May they never meet.”

I don’t think I could ever lead a double life. I’m already such a burden in my original existence, two of me would just be torture.

“Don’t give cherries to pigs or advice to fools.”

I hate giving advice. I find, more often than not, that when someone solicits your guidance on a subject, they don’t even do what you tell them. I now charge for my counsel (much like a lawyer would) and that will hopefully result in good returns for me, regardless of how errant my advice turns out to be.

“God invented whiskey to keep the Irish from ruling the world.”

While this may be true, it assumes that the Irish have any interest in ruling the world.

“It is often that a person’s mouth broke his nose.”

It is so nice to see mouthpieces get their comeuppance every now and again. You know, those loudmouths (blog writers!) who spout off to anyone in his proximity until finally someone takes issue with what he is saying and makes him eat some teeth. It’s especially memorable when it’s a little guy taking down a big dude.

“Dance as if no one’s watching, sing as if no one’s listening, and live everyday as if it were your last.”

Aside from the fact that this quote is most commonly quoted by high school girls, dancing and singing are two or The Sip Advisor’s worst performing arts. How about we play sports like there’s no one in the audience (my regular beer league hockey experience) and we drink like bottles are infinite. I know the Irish are down with that.

“A best friend is like a four leaf clover: hard to find and lucky to have.”

Amen to this statement. You only have so many good friends throughout your life. Now let’s all share a drink to commemorate how lucky we are that we found each other!

Drink #76: Irish Car Bomb

0.75 oz Bailey’s Irish Crème
0.75 oz Jameson Irish Whiskey
1 Guinness Beer

I’d like to close today’s post with my own Irish blessing: May your beers of green be wonderful on this holiest of days and may you wake up tomorrow ready to go again!

Happy St. Paddy’s Day!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
While slamming drinks down might not be for everyone, I do like the Irish Car Bomb. And really, you have to drink this one fast or else the Irish Crème will curdle and you won’t be having very much fun at all.

March 16 – Dead Man Walking

Posted on March 16, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Last Rites

If you were on your death bed (sweet lady liquor forbid), what would you say? Here are some of the best last words I’ve been able to find, as inspiration for my own prepared statement:

“One last drink, please?” – Jack Daniel, famous whiskeyteer

The living legend just wanted one last taste of his own whiskey. Unfortunately the wonderful JD Honey Whiskey hadn’t been made yet, as that would certainly have sent him off on the right note. Daniel died from blood poisoning after a toe infection from kicking his safe when he couldn’t remember the combination. Ironically, as told on tours of his distillery, had he dipped his toe in his patented whiskey, he likely would have survived.

“Tomorrow, I shall no longer be here.” – Nostradamus, prediction master

Talk about calling your shot. A pretty ballsy move to say the least. If he had lived even two more days, he would have gone down in history as a sketchy heretic, only correct with a percentage of his forecasts. As it stands, Nostradamus is revered because he was even able to foretell his own demise.

“Hey, fellas! How about this for a headline for tomorrow’s paper? ‘French Fries’!” – James French, insane murderer

Mr. French shouted this to press members and other witnesses to his execution. I gotta admit, it’s a pretty funny line, but it really shows just how psychotic the dude was. I guess you have to give him some style points, but his landing was a little botched.

“Hurry up, you Hoosier bastard, I could kill ten men while you’re fooling around!” – Carl Panzram, serial killer

Death row inmates are lucky in that their final words will always be recorded. Once again, though, this guy proved his head really belonged in the noose. What did he have against Hoosiers anyway… that’s a good movie.

“No, you certainly can’t.” – John F. Kennedy, El Presidente

This was President Kennedy’s reply to Nellie Connally, the wife of Texas Governor John Connally, when she stated, “You certainly can’t say that the people of Dallas haven’t given you a nice welcome, Mr. President.” I don’t think I’ve ever seen a more ironic outcome.

“I should have asked for a stunt double!” – Vic Morrow, unlucky actor

Morrow was killed while filming an elaborate stunt scene for Twilight Zone: The Movie, when a helicopter crashed and tragically decapitated himself and a child actor, while also crushing another child. Sadly, Morrow thought his statement was just a joke, but instead it came true.

“I should never have switched from scotch to martinis.” – Humphey Bogart, actor extraordinaire

It is scientifically proven that scotch keeps you alive longer than martinis… ol’ Bogie here might have been onto something. I think the key is to continue drinking both and then you have all options covered!

Drink #75: Dead Man Walking

0.75 oz Absinthe
0.75 oz Goldschlager

I’ve decided that my final words – I’ve always been a planner – will be: “This is the song that never ends, yes it goes on and on, my friends…” and then I’ll just keep singing and living forever, only taking breaks to down another cocktail. Not a bad plan, eh!?

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
The Absinthe Week shot was supposed to be something different, but on the fly I switched to this recipe and it was pretty good. The name is perfect to match the taste and Mrs. Sip caught a perfect photo of the gold flakes within the shooter.

March 15 – Bloodsucker

Posted on March 15, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Parasitic Activity

By nature, we are all parasites. The following entries are groups, people and products that I have chosen to leech onto. I’m not proud of it (just kidding, I actually am), but it’s time to clear my sins and admit what I am.

The Lovely Mrs.Sip

This little lady does a lot for me and, by extension, for Sip Nation. While I won’t go into details, pumping her tires any more than necessary, let me tell you that this wonderful site wouldn’t exist if not for her help. If I wasn’t already in love with Sweet Lady Liquor (more on her below), Mrs. Sip would have 100% of my heart!

Global Potato Chip Cartel

This one is more of a symbiotic relationship. The Cartel provides me with wicked delicious snack treats and in return, I give them money to procure more potatoes and make more chippies and the wheel goes round and round. If it was legal to do so, I would bathe in potato chips. On second thought, that could be dangerous with all the rippled edges against my silky smooth skin. Maybe I’ll just continue to eat them en masse.

That’s right, distract her with chips and bubbly and get that dress off!

Public Broadcasting

You know when you hear the slogan: “This program has been made possible by viewers like you!”… they’re not talking about me. All I do is mooch off of public TV and never give them a dime in return. I’ll happily sit through their half-hour long ads and telethon drives without flinching. I have this innate ability to shut my brain off when people are in need. It’s my gift. Mrs. Sip says I live most my life with my brain shut off, but I’m only faking it around her!

Peanut Butter & Jelly Conspiracy

The Mayans predicted that the mixing of peanut butter and jelly would eventually lead to the end of days. I have taken this train of thought and turned it into a marketing opportunity, dubbing my sandwiches “The Most Dangerous Lunch in the World!” Daredevil foodies will eat anything if they think the risk-reward is worth it and I’ve made a nice profit on the scheme.

Major League Baseball

Oh, such an easy comedic target. I take and I take and I take all I can from this organization. How about the guys who can’t play because they have a blister? Really!?!? You can’t take the field to play a kid’s game where you’re dressed in pajamas and stand around for most of the outing? How about the guys who fall asleep in their team’s dugout in the middle of the game? Yeah, I think we all find it pretty boring, but good job selling the sport.

Sweet Lady Liquor

Oh, my beautiful muse… I have suckled your sweet nectar too many times to count… and I have no plans to stop (after all, we still have about 300 drinks to go in the drink-per-day challenge)!

Drink #74: Bloodsucker

Rim glass with Raspberry Jam
1.5 oz Absinthe
Top with Wildberry Juice

The raspberry jam gives the rim a blood look, which is kind of neat, and was my own personal idea for the cocktail. It befuddles me that I am THAT awesome!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (2.5 Sips out of 5):
While the Raspberry Jam rim turned out pretty good, the drink itself was disappointing, in my opinion. I’m not sure if that was because I was using Wildberry Juice for the very first time, or if that’s a result of the ever-bitter Absinthe.

March 14 – Monkey Gland

Posted on March 14, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Monkeying Around

You may not have noticed by now, but I kind of love monkeys. Along with kittens and potato chips, monkeys have made frequent guest appearances in blog posts. Even after a group of monkeys assaulted me and viciously violated me while on vacation in Indonesia, I still have a massive respect for the creatures. After all, I was guilty of holding a bag of peanuts that they wanted (that’s right elephants, peanuts are not just for you!). Thank god I had a little Indonesian woman to protect me by shooing them away with her sandal. I beg forgiveness my simian friends. Without further ado, are some of my favourite primates:

George – Curious George

You’d think with all the trouble George gets into that the Man in the Yellow Hat would send the little guy packing. And what was up with that Man in the Yellow Hat anyways? Doesn’t he realize how ridiculous he looks? Looks like a freakin’ banana if you ask me (and I know you do). No wonder Curious George was so troublesome, it was probably the result of slow psychotic breakdown from having to live with a giant talking banana. Curious George should just try to eat him sometime.

Abu – Aladdin

I often dress my kitty sidekick, Furious B, in Abu’s trademark fez hat and vest. It may result in numerous scratches and one pissed off pussy, but it’s worth it for the half second I can see him clothed before he runs and hides behind the couch and pees on my DVDs.

Mr. Teeny – The Simpsons

The roller-skating, cigar-smoking chimp and sidekick to Krusty the Clown, has lived a life few monkeys have the opportunity to. It is one of celebrity, which comes with good and bad. Hell, I’d be Krusty’s subordinate if it meant an increase in pay and getting to wear a bowtie… even if Krusty has plans to take one of Teeny’s lungs should he ever need a replacement.

Evil Monkey – Family Guy

We later learn that this monkey isn’t so evil after all. He’s actually a nice, mild-mannered being who was just down on his luck (his monkey wife had cheated on him) and found a home in Chris Griffin’s closet. If my wife cheated on me with a monkey, I’d just be crossing my fingers that it turned into a threesome.

Donkey Kong

Originally a villain, Donkey Kong worked his way into the hearts of gamers by barrel blasting and enemy bopping his way through King K. Rool’s gang of baddies. It turns out he just wants his god damn bananas back. Poor guy has to deal with a serious potassium deficiency!

King Louie – Jungle Book and Tale Spin

This orangutan sure knows how to party. His joint is always swinging with song and merriment, especially when he and best friend Baloo were given new life in the 90’s cartoon Tale Spin. In that series, he became the owner of Louie’s Place, a tropical bar, which this Sip Advisor aspires to one day track down and go to work there.

Monkey Talents

Whether it’s the air duct-invading monkey (Community), the cigarette-smoking, drug-dealing monkey (The Hangover 2), the skeleton monkey (Pirates of the Caribbean) or any other simian performer, they’re all good in my books.

Phonics Monkey – South Park

Oh my god, he killed Kenny… you bastard!

Drink #73: Monkey Gland

1.5 oz Gin (I used Beefeater)
0.5 oz Absinthe
Top with Orange Juice
Dash of Grenadine
Garnish with Orange Zest

Monkeys and their distant relatives are awesome… there’s even a gorilla in San Francisco that has a thing for breasts. And yet some people still don’t believe in evolution! Let’s not forget the Ikea Monkey (now somehow available on Twitter), whose winter coat made us all melt.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
I’d love to know why this drink is called Monkey Gland. Regardless, the cocktail was decent and one in which I actually enjoyed Orange Juice. I like how the Orange Twist came across too, as it looks more like a Blood Orange, when it wasn’t.

March 13 – Sazerac

Posted on March 13, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Macaroni Workshop

Today, we unveil the first ever Sip Advisor art gala… the results of an absinthe-induced buzz. I worked long and hard on this piece and I hope the results are worth my efforts!

Drum roll, please…

I tried to live up to the standards of the Macaroni Masters. I hope I have not let them down.

My inspiration for this piece included Tyrannosaurus Rex (note the short arms on Mr. Stick – a distant relative of Mr. Sip) and Johnny Depp (notice the resemblance!?).

Mrs. Sip said that my stickman was very well done and gave me a gold star, which I promptly put into my sticker book. If I earn five gold stars, apparently she’ll take me to Chuck E. Cheese’s, or at least that’s the rumour on the playground!

Oh and this is Mrs. Sip’s absinthe-induced art gala entry, which I guess warrants an honourable mention… clearly mine’s better!

Now let’s enjoy a drink that helped me get through this exhausting process.

Drink #72: Sazerac

1 oz Absinthe
1 oz Whiskey (I used Crown Royal)
Splash of Lemon Juice
Dash of Simple Syrup
Garnish with a Blackberry

What do you think? Should I take my piece on a worldwide tour? As crazy as it sounds, I feel there might actually be an audience for my “special” talents.

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (4 Sips out of 5):
My favourite cocktail of Absinthe Week. I think I have to give a nod to Crown Royal Whiskey as the ingredient that made this drink so enjoyable. The Lemon Juice and Simple Syrup also played important roles in making the Absinthe more agreeable.

March 12 – Sepultura

Posted on March 12, 2013 by Daniel Wilson

Grave Diggin’

In Portuguese, Sepultura means grave. And while this drink may eventually send you there, you still have time to figure out what will be written on your headstone. Here’s some things to consider:

Do you want to be remembered for your legacy?

“That’s All Folks!”
The Man of a Thousand Voices

Mel Blanc (voice of numerous Looney Tunes characters)

“The Entertainer”
He Did It All

Sammy Davis, Jr. (triple threat: actor, singer, comedian)

Do you want to tell your story?

Truth and History.
21 Men.
The Boy Bandit King–
He Died As He Lived

William H. Bonney “Billy the Kid” (legendary outlaw)

Are you hoping to deliver a lasting message?

…that nothing’s so sacred as honor and nothing’s so loyal as love

Wyatt Earp (old west lawman)

Workers of all lands unite.
The philosophers have only
interpreted the world in various ways;
the point is to change it.

Karl Marx (Communist manifestonian)

“Tomorrow is the most important thing in life.
Comes into us at midnight very clean.
It’s perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands
It hopes we’ve learned something from yesterday”

John Wayne (cowboy)

Why not crack a joke on your way out?

There goes the neighborhood

Rodney Dangerfield (comedian)

Jack Lemmon
in

Jack Lemmon (actor)

“I will not be right back after this message.”

Merv Griffin (talk show host/game show creator)

“I’m a writer, but then nobody’s perfect.”

Billy Wilder (movie icon)

Or, do you just want to get in the last word?

Quoth the Raven,
“Nevermore”

Edgar Allan Poe (writer)

After careful consideration, I’ve decided that my tombstone should read:

The Sip Advisor
He provided the world with endless joy
So we drink to him, eating Chips Ahoy
He was a legend, a stud, never rude
To sum up: he was one good dude!

Of course, if you have to pay per letter, I’m cool with it simply saying “C U”. Ah hell, I want to be cremated anyway, with my ashes to be sprinkled in a distillery, so I can be with my loved ones forever. Or at least until they sweep up around the place.

Drink #71: Sepultura

0.75 oz Absinthe
0.75 oz Fireball Whiskey (or Cinnamon Schnapps)
1 Beer (I used Rickard’s Red)

Take the two liquors and put them into a shot glass, drop the shooter into the beer and voila, you have a liquid grave to drown your sorrows in. Only happiness is allowed around here!

Sip Advisor Bar Notes (3.5 Sips out of 5):
I used a frozen shot glass for this dropped shot cocktail, which eliminated much of the mess and clean up when the drink was done. I would like to try this recipe with other beers and see which one works best.

Sip Advisor

The Good, The Bad & The Bubbly

Monthly Archives: March 2013